Started to date again

[Alex39]

I have a renewed sense of confidence. I've been working out. Making social plans. Meeting new friends. Hanging with current friends. I finally decided to get back into online dating. I can't meet anyone hiding in my house. 

I joined three dating sites. Hinge, Bumble, and Match.com

 It's been up and down. I have a ton of matches. I feel super great, because I'm a bit self conscious, but guys think I'm cute. 

Unfortunately,  I feel a bit overwhelmed. Lots of matches isn't adding up to lots of conversations. I am trying. I feel like these guys aren't putting in a lot of effort to get to know me. I have tons of messages I sent just sitting unanswered. I had a great conversation going with this one guy. It lasted days. I looked forward to chatting with him. But if I don't keep pestering him, he stops trying to talk to me. Its such a let down. 

I'm getting all these matches, but it's leading no where. Not even basic conversations. I feel like dating shouldn't be so hard. Two guys did ask me out, but friends of friends- mutual friends know these guys and warned me not to go out with them, because they had tons of baggage. 

I'm 31. I want to get out there. I'm trying. I want to eventually get married and have kids. But at this rate, I can barely get past a simple hi!

 

Any advice?? Help! 

[Batya33]

Meet in person ASAP.  One or two messages, schedule a phone call for a safety screening and see if you can get along pleasantly for a quick coffee meet or walk in the park and then meet within a week or so.  Stop all the chatting with strangers unless you want to date online rather than in person. If he doesn't suggest to meet you suggest so you don't waste time with someone looking for an online penpal or chat buddy.  Let him ask you out for the real first date after a first meet.

Good for you for making all these changes!

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

. I had a great conversation going with this one guy. It lasted days. I looked forward to chatting with him. Two guys did ask me out, but friends of friends- mutual friends know these guys and warned me not 

Arrange to meet asap. Please don't waste time chatting too much on line. Meet for a breif coffee/drink. Please don't use third party hearsay to talk yourself out of meeting in person. Make sure you are ready willing and able to meet in person and date. You're getting matches and messages so what's the problem?

[boltnrun]

Don't waste your time with nonsensical, meaningless messages.  Anyone can type letters onto a tiny screen.  Messaging gives you a false, inaccurate sense of connection and attachment.  Don't.

After exchanging mutual interest in one another's profiles, do a phone call during which you determine if the guy is worth meeting in person.  Then suggest meeting.  Don't be timid and wait for him to.  YOU do it.  Meet in person at a coffee shop or a yogurt shop.  No bars.  Then see how it goes.

Good for you for getting back out there.  Now, let's see you make something happen!

[Kwothe28]

Not to be a "Debbie Downer", but, you are getting a certain "kick" from likes from all those men. And that is fine, you feel "wanted". However I need to point out that all women get likes and matches on dating sites. But the quality of those matches is questionable. Lots of them just swipes on everything and see what sticks. Lots of them just wont reply or lose interest fast. But that is OK, maybe you would find some good matches soon. Its a process. You shouldnt get discouraged and push forward.

Also, 2 weeks of talk is way too much. If they dont suggest the date, or you need to "pull words out of their mouth", they are just not interested in dating you for real.

Also, also, not to point out the obvious, but you come with a lot of "baggage" as well. Its probably why you or they were interested in each other. Keep that in mind when you date.

Also, also, also(promise this is the last) this is not a good mindset for dating

53 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I'm 31. I want to get out there. I'm trying. I want to eventually get married and have kids.

Yes, its OK to want those things eventually. But you are desperate for those things. If men sense that most would either ran or take advantage of that. Instead why dont you start small. Dont mind likes and matches at all, they dont matter. And start with actual conversations. If they reply see where it leads and if you can go on date. See how date goes and build from there. Go step-by-step without putting a pressure on yourself how you absolutely need to meet somebody and get married and have kids. It only puts an added pressure on you and adds to dissapointment if it doesnt work. Dont have that much expectations at least at start. For starters just meet new people, get dates and see how it goes. Good luck.

[Alex39]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Meet in person ASAP.  One or two messages, schedule a phone call for a safety screening and see if you can get along pleasantly for a quick coffee meet or walk in the park and then meet within a week or so.  Stop all the chatting with strangers unless you want to date online rather than in person. If he doesn't suggest to meet you suggest so you don't waste time with someone looking for an online penpal or chat buddy.  Let him ask you out for the real first date after a first meet.

Good for you for making all these changes!

That's my thing, I'm barely even getting any conversation in. Not enough to even plan a date. 

[Alex39]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Arrange to meet asap. Please don't waste time chatting too much on line. Meet for a breif coffee/drink. Please don't use third party hearsay to talk yourself out of meeting in person. Make sure you are ready willing and able to meet in person and date. You're getting matches and messages so what's the problem?

Scenarios I'm in:

 

Me- hey, glad we connected. Want to get to know you. 

Them: hey, how was your day?

Me- great day, did xyz,you?

Them- (nothing)

OTHER SCENARIOS

Me- hi, how are you?

Them- (nothing)

 

 

Like I can't even get to saying want to Meet. It doesn't get that far. 

 

 

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

. Two guys did ask me out, but friends of friends- mutual friends know these guys and warned me not to go out with them, because they had tons of baggage. 

You are getting dates but you're getting your friends too involved and finding excuses to turn them down. You seem ready to browse and chat online but are you ready to meet anyone in person?

[boltnrun]

"Hi, how are you?"

Really?

Come on, Alex, you gotta up your first contact game. 

No lame, generic messages that show zero imagination. It looks like you just used preset messages and put zero thought into it. How are you supposed to stand out from the crowd with a lame "hi, how are you"?

"Hi, I'm Alex. I love the outdoorsy pics on your profile. I've been wanting to get into hiking and maybe even camping. Are you into hiking or camping? I'd love to hear about your outdoor adventures. Feel free to write back. Have a great day!"

Make some effort! Otherwise you'll end up discouraged and will just give up.

And yeah, it's gonna take some time. Anything worth doing does. 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I joined three dating sites. Hinge, Bumble, and Match.com

How long have you been on these sites? It seems like you're trying to bombard yourself with quantity over quality by casting such a huge net. Keep in mind there may be a lot of dead profiles on these sites.  

If you are interested in a serious relationship, have you considered a relationship focused paid app? Especially since your goal is finding a husband, you may want to invest in  paid faith (whatever your faith is) based apps and apps such as eHarmony. 

Make sure your profile is new and fresh. Especially with a few recent new pics. Make sure you set your screening criteria such as age distance etc . Also review your matching criteria. 

Are you sending messages to these people randomly or waiting until there is a "like" or something from them? 

Please also invest some time in actual meetings. Be available to meet in person. While dating apps are a good place to start, you're not dating unless you are meeting.

[poorlittlefish]

6 hours ago, Alex39 said:

Me- hi, how are you?

Them- (nothing)

 

 

 

 

 

When I get messages like that, it tells me they're making zero effort and I don't bother to reply.  I look for something within their profile to ask an open-ended question about, eg "Hi, I enjoyed reading your profile and noticed that we have XXX in common.  How often do you go?" or, "Hi, I've a real interest in XX but haven't had a go yet.  How did you first get into it?"  It shows an interest in who they are and means they can't just give you a one-word answer.

If they respond without asking anything back to keep the conversation going, that gives me a vibe that they're just being polite and aren't really interested.

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, Alex39 said:

That's my thing, I'm barely even getting any conversation in. Not enough to even plan a date. 

No need to plan a date.  If you send a message and get a response or receive a message and think he looks interesting suggest a phone call I used to write "I much prefer typing to talking - when is a good time to speak?"  I wrote above what to do at the end of the call.  You don't need to get conversation in through typing, you don't need to plan more than meeting for a walk or coffee during the day at a convenient location.

When I reached out I'd write something like "Hi - I found your profile intriguing and if you find mine interesting it would be great to be in touch" I never wrote "how are you" to a stranger -because if I say that to my neighbor who I don't know for example I don't really expect more than a response of "good how are you?" as we keep walking in different directions.  If there was something specific I'd write "I see that we both love the 80s brat pack movies" or whatever.

[Tinydance]

11 hours ago, Alex39 said:

Scenarios I'm in:

 

Me- hey, glad we connected. Want to get to know you. 

Them: hey, how was your day?

Me- great day, did xyz,you?

Them- (nothing)

OTHER SCENARIOS

Me- hi, how are you?

Them- (nothing)

 

 

Like I can't even get to saying want to Meet. It doesn't get that far. 

 

 

 

 

 

To be honest this just sounds like very normal online dating lol I don't think that you can actually do anything about it unfortunately. Not all people just stop replying so I think you just need to forget about the guys who don't reply and just start talking to others.

I suggest after you talk for a few days that you should invite them to meet for a coffee. I always did that and most guys agrees to meet pretty quickly. I did that because I hate talking online for like one or two weeks and then the person just ghosts. I'd rather meet them for an hour or two in person and get a good idea about them in real life. And even if I never see them again, at least I only wasted two hours and nor two weeks or months lol

[Sindy_0311]

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

I suggest after you talk for a few days that you should invite them to meet for a coffee. I always did that and most guys agrees to meet pretty quickly. I did that because I hate talking online for like one or two weeks and then the person just ghosts. I'd rather meet them for an hour or two in person and get a good idea about them in real life. And even if I never see them again, at least I only wasted two hours and nor two weeks or months lol

Well, I have an other opinion there. I don't invite them for coffee. I wait until they do it. I mean, I'm already interacting with the guy, why should I invite him. The firs time I did it, it turned out I had to go to his part. which I never did BTW. It's the man's job to invite the girl and stick out from the others. 

Also have to mention that Online dating is a long process. You probably won't find your guy in weeks. I have been trying apps for two years now, and I can easily say I met many poor quality guys. But with time I'm getting better at deciphering a good to a bad profile/person. For instance: I don't get players anymore, because now I recognize them very well. 

Also would suggest you stick to only one app. because if guys see you have profiles everywhere, it looks kinda desperate. also don't mention you want marriage kids etc early on. because IMO guys don't necessarly look for serious relationships, they get into one once they have feelings for the woman. Try to privilege connection, be fun, kind and try to enjoy yourself. Don't put any pressure on it.  

Also agree, try to set a meet after 2/3 days of texting, no longer, and instead of simple calls, I suggest video calls. easier to now whether you are really attracted to the guy and vice versa.

But hey, I have to say that online dating sucks... I don't really see high value men there... you better don't loose your time, just go out and find them in RL. 

 

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Well, I have an other opinion there. I don't invite them for coffee. I wait until they do it. I mean, I'm already interacting with the guy, why should I invite him. The firs time I did it, it turned out I had to go to his part. which I never did BTW. It's the man's job to invite the girl and stick out from the others. 

Also have to mention that Online dating is a long process. You probably won't find your guy in weeks. I have been trying apps for two years now, and I can easily say I met many poor quality guys. But with time I'm getting better at deciphering a good to a bad profile/person. For instance: I don't get players anymore, because now I recognize them very well. 

Also would suggest you stick to only one app. because if guys see you have profiles everywhere, it looks kinda desperate. also don't mention you want marriage kids etc early on. because IMO guys don't necessarly look for serious relationships, they get into one once they have feelings for the woman. Try to privilege connection, be fun, kind and try to enjoy yourself. Don't put any pressure on it.  

Also agree, try to set a meet after 2/3 days of texting, no longer, and instead of simple calls, I suggest video calls. easier to now whether you are really attracted to the guy and vice versa.

But hey, I have to say that online dating sucks... I don't really see high value men there... you better don't loose your time, just go out and find them in RL. 

 

I always let the man ask me out on a date.  I never wasted my time chatting so I wanted to know right away if they wanted to meet in person.  I didn't invite him or ask him out -I assumed it was a casual go dutch meet up for coffee or a quick workday lunch or a walk.  Then I let him ask me out on an official first date.  I didn't date online ever so to me the preliminaries had nothing to do with traditional dating. If he asked me to meet I assumed he wasn't asking me out on a date because we were strangers and a man who asks me out presumably is doing so because of in person attraction which we couldn't have yet. 

I didn't see it as anyone's "dating" role because at that point it had nothing to do with dating.  It would have if I dated online.  But I didn't.  I wanted marriage and family not a fantasy online dating/sexting arrangement.

I wouldn't have done a video call as I would have felt self conscious and I needed to see how the person interacted in real life as far as overall attraction. I met men who had tremors (which they could have hidden on a video call), men who didn't respect personal space of me or others (same -that won't show up on a video call), men with bad table manners, bad manners with wait staff or other service people, men who had poor eye contact in person (meaning the distractions of being in public is fine but a person should be able to deal with that and have appropriate eye contact - can't tell that on a video call either).  

With the phone calls I learned a lot more than by typing -lies were revealed (like the man who randomly bragged about his wealthy ex wife -well with a little google search given the info he gaved me it revealed he'd lied about his age)/the person would call me but actually be reading my profile to me and interrupting me to do so, the person called me while talking to his animals incessantly, to someone else with him, to the person preparing his food, the person "forgot" he gave me his cell and screamed at me how did you get this number, etc.  Also if we had a pleasant phone rapport at least there was a better chance of having a good in person rapport.

[boltnrun]

So during the phone call, presuming it was going well, you would never say "I'd like to continue this conversation in person over coffee.  How does that sound?"  You would always wait for the man to suggest it? 

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

So during the phone call, presuming it was going well, you would never say "I'd like to continue this conversation in person over coffee.  How does that sound?"  You would always wait for the man to suggest it? 

I know of many women who do this as they assume it’s like asking a man out for a date. I think it works great for women who are in no hurry to meet people or who want to meet only a few people in this manner. Also some women may enjoy flirting and bantering on line and it makes them feel good about themselves and like they are out there “dating” - it’s not wrong just for me I didn’t have the time and wanted to screen out men who wanted to flirt or date online. 

[dias]

13 hours ago, Alex39 said:

Scenarios I'm in:

 

Me- hey, glad we connected. Want to get to know you. 

Them: hey, how was your day?

Me- great day, did xyz,you?

Them- (nothing)

OTHER SCENARIOS

Me- hi, how are you?

Them- (nothing)

Ts ts ts you are not doing it right. You need a cover letter tailored to every match. How are you supposed to get his attention? There is fierce competition, multiple applicants target the same match. The selection process is tough, you need to up your game.  

[Sindy_0311]

42 minutes ago, dias said:

Ts ts ts you are not doing it right. You need a cover letter tailored to every match. How are you supposed to get his attention? There is fierce competition, multiple applicants target the same match. The selection process is tough, you need to up your game.  

I thought only physical attraction is what men look for… 😁

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I thought only physical attraction is what men look for… 😁

LOL - I've never been able to tell physical attraction from a photo. I have been able to screen out from photos.  I just can't find it funny given all the male-bashing that goes on.  I know of many individual women who are heavily focused on physical attraction as well as arm candy. 

[Andrina]

I'd supplement the OLD with Meetup.com groups. As for OLD, I imagine the experience can be different for some. When I did it for several years, I didn't have problems with guys sending messages. But I do recall that I was usually the first to have to say: I think we've learned enough about each other through messaging, so if you want to speak on the phone, let me know if you want my number. (Blocking is a great feature now on phones, so if you have to later use that function, it's no big deal to give a guy your number). And then a conversation usually, but not always, led to a date. If not, it's because I had red flags waving from the guy, or he flaked about a first meet).

But if a meet did happen, the gamut ran between neither of us sparking, or only one of us sparking, or of both of sparking. With the sparking, sometimes it petered out after 2 or more dates. One lasted a year. But I did meet my husband on OLD, so I felt it was a lot of digging through sand before finding the treasure.

Perhaps what you put on your profile plays a factor. Make sure it's full of positive things concerning your own life, your interests and activities, versus what you do or don't want in a man.

As far as you "pestering" a man to respond, DON'T. Don't put more effort into what you're getting as far as that is concerned.

Good luck.

[smackie9]

dating apps are crap-o-la. It's the sunny summer season, get outdoors and meet people. 

[kehratha]

Wait a little bit, you just got there  

It takes more than 1 month to match with some interesting guys.

I was kinda blunt when I did OLD. Let's say we had some text exchanges for couple of days. If I felt that it will be a never ending chit chat, I would say to the guy: " look, John Doe, I don't want to chat with you endlessly, I don't need a textbuddy , so either you want to meet me IRL, either we stop here". 

It's such a waste of time to text for weeks/months and then when you two meet, chemistry isn't there and you realize it was just a fantasy. 

Good luck and be patient.

[Coily]

As a man having been on the other end of the OLD circus (and still am), I know women get loads of matches (good and awful). I used to write very attentive messages in my opening salvo, over time it dwindled down to boiler plate, as responses were at best "hi" on average.

So expect massive disappointment in most communications, the sad truth is both sexes suck at OLD. If you want to have a good conversation, women have to bring their half to the table.  Far too often if feels like we men are carrying everything, and taking all the risk.

I will also buck the trend of the meet ASAP, as people have lives and can't just jump at a random match. Now don't let things drag out too long, but if someone can't meet for a date in 72 hours doesn't mean they are shady. You need to build a rapport quickly to see how they want to go with the communication, but it should be mutual.

While you may be the hottest thing on two legs, that doesn't result in a good match in OLD.

[Batya33]

12 minutes ago, kehratha said:

Wait a little bit, you just got there  

It takes more than 1 month to match with some interesting guys.

I was kinda blunt when I did OLD. Let's say we had some text exchanges for couple of days. If I felt that it will be a never ending chit chat, I would say to the guy: " look, John Doe, I don't want to chat with you endlessly, I don't need a textbuddy , so either you want to meet me IRL, either we stop here". 

It's such a waste of time to text for weeks/months and then when you two meet, chemistry isn't there and you realize it was just a fantasy. 

Good luck and be patient.

Same. I used to say I much prefer talking to typing so I’m happy to do a phone call to see if we should meet. I also sometimes wrote I’m not looking for a chat buddy etc. the men who were serious minded or didn’t date online didn’t find it blunt.  They felt exactly the same.