Is this common in dating?

[TacticalLinguine]

Hey all, 


Hope you're having a lovely start to the week. 

I've noticed a trend in my dating experiences. For context, I'm 24F and the guys I date have either been the same age or a couple years older. 

Now, I mostly do online dating. The guys I match and start a conversation with are always very-very enthusiastic about meeting me. The banter is always great, we set a date, and the first dates have always been nice. The excitement lasts, but there's always a shift eventually. The guys, they don't ghost me, they don't dump me, but they pull back significantly without actually backing off completely. I've made it a point to notice these things and stop with the effort on my end when it's not reciprocated. Whenever I pull back myself, it's like a switch goes off and the guys start approaching me more again. Clearly they're not as interested as I wish they were, but how come I always end up as some kind of a "convenient" girl, or something like that? That's what it feels like. Whenever I break it off, they act surprised and are upset. I don't get it? I then start questioning myself; maybe I'm being dramatic, maybe I'm overthinking this, etc etc. I try to remind myself that I broke it off because I wasn't satisfied with their effort, I wasn't comfortable, and it's okay. But as it keeps happening, my logical side also tells me it's a 'me' issue?

It's exhausting. I wish I could just be myself, act how I'm feeling and be genuine. I don't want to play games. Is this just a string of bad luck, is my picker off, is something off with me, why is it like this?!

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, TacticalLinguine said:

, they don't ghost me, they don't dump me, but they pull back significantly without actually backing off completely. 

At which point are they doing this? After a few dates? Or after seeing each other a while?

[TacticalLinguine]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

At which point are they doing this? After a few dates? Or after seeing each other a while?

It keeps happening around the 1 / 1.5 month mark. I'm at a loss. They seem to enjoy my company a lot when we're together, they want to text, but the effort just drops. 

I simply ignored the latest guy after another low-effort reply from him regards to meeting up. I've ignored him a couple times since then, suddenly he's double-triple texting me, trying to nail down a date, trying to be funny and sweet and what not. 

What is this..
 

[Sindy_0311]

My first reaction would be to say that it’s common. As I’m going through a lot of dating lately… may I ask when or if you sleep with these guys? Because often it has to do with this.. 

[Kwothe28]

You are getting "average woman dating apps" experience. Meaning that you probably get a lot of likes. And from those likes you take some "perspective matches". That most of the times are players and just aftering hookup. Meaning they are not really excited of meeting you, they are excited about the prospect of hookup. Going through your threads, that is an overall theme. All your "matches" that you are talking about are practically the same. Guys who get cold very fast. And yes, the common demonitor is you. Pick your matches better and weed out those who just want a hookup.

[TacticalLinguine]

4 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

My first reaction would be to say that it’s common. As I’m going through a lot of dating lately… may I ask when or if you sleep with these guys? Because often it has to do with this.. 

Around the third date is when it tends to happen. Should I prolong it in the future? It's all so silly. 

[TacticalLinguine]

2 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

You are getting "average woman dating apps" experience. Meaning that you probably get a lot of likes. And from those likes you take some "perspective matches". That most of the times are players and just aftering hookup. Meaning they are not really excited of meeting you, they are excited about the prospect of hookup. Going through your threads, that is an overall theme. All your "matches" that you are talking about are practically the same. Guys who get cold very fast. And yes, the common demonitor is you. Pick your matches better and weed out those who just want a hookup.

All my matches I have picked carefully in hopes of avoiding said players - no suggestive pics, no zero effort profiles, no off-putting bios or lack there of. I really have been trying. I also ask these guys what it is that they are after, they outright tell me it's LTR they're looking for. 

What else can I do? 

[Sindy_0311]

26 minutes ago, TacticalLinguine said:

Around the third date is when it tends to happen. Should I prolong it in the future? It's all so silly. 

Yeah well, I think that’s the answer. might be to soon. You should wait a bit more, around 6 or 8 dates at least. Try to build connection with the guys before intercourse. guys usually lose  interest fast after sex if there was no real connection build before that… 

[TacticalLinguine]

3 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Yeah well, I think that’s the answer. might be to soon. You should wait a bit more, around 6 or 8 dates at least. Try to build connection with the guys before intercourse. guys usually lose  interest fast after sex if there was no real connection build before that… 

My stubbornness is always trying to fight me on this as I am a very physical person, but if I want a LTR with none of this drama then I should start waiting with the intimacy, indeed.

A little while ago here I ended up confronting the current guy about his lack of effort, after he asked me why I pulled back. He kept insisting he is interested because of xyz, he shows it by zyx, and so on. I know it's impossible to read someone's mind, but is this just hogwash? Words vs actions, right? 

I'm sorry if I come across a bit daft, this is new territory for me and I'm pretty lost. 

[Sindy_0311]

30 minutes ago, TacticalLinguine said:

My stubbornness is always trying to fight me on this as I am a very physical person

Same for me. I have a hard time waiting for intimacy. But people in this forum made me understand it was a mistake sleeping with guys after 2 or 3 dates. 

i guess you can only read a man’s interest in his willingness to see you and arrange dates. I don’t mean by that Netflix and chill, I mean going out, restaurant, movies, activities. 

What he says to you doesn’t matter at all. OMG I have heard so much of crap in the last two years by guys that weren’t really into me. Even guys coming back after two months, double/triple texting to see me, and when they got what they want, silence again. 

yesterday a young Italian I was dating last sommer for some month texted me out of the blue for the second time. Fist time I told him I was not interested, he reached out again yesterday and asked for a drink together. I told him no thanks and blocked him. He is 25, I’m 40, i imagine he just wanted a hock up, so he scrolled through his contact list and texted me… In the last 5 months, 8 guys I met last year did the same. They just reappeared without any plan or consistency…. They just do that. 

This usually happens with guys you meet online. They have dozens of female contact and plenty of options. That’s why it’s so hard to achieve in online dating. Maybe time to meet guys in real life after all… 🤷‍♀️

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, TacticalLinguine said:

It keeps happening around the 1 / 1.5 month mark. I'm at a loss. They seem to enjoy my company a lot when we're together, they want to text, but the effort just drops. 

I simply ignored the latest guy after another low-effort reply from him regards to meeting up. I've ignored him a couple times since then, suddenly he's double-triple texting me, trying to nail down a date, trying to be funny and sweet and what not. 

What is this..
 

I think it's because that's around the time people figure out whether there is future potential/desire for exclusivity.  Are you having sex by this point?

Also what is fueling the excitement -is it mostly sexual chemistry?

I think it's irrelevant how you first make contact unless you "date online" first. I did 15-20 years of dating before there were dating sites -although I did personal ads- and I went on many blind dates -no photos, either -and the only difference to me online was increased concern for my safety and more short first meets (which to me were not dates) as opposed to "first dates". 

People who like the thrill of the chase simply found it easier to do so with online connections -online dating didn't make people who are serious minded switch to thrill of the chase/casual flings - it certainly felt like a candy store to me at first -just like going to bars /clubs used to at first but serious minded people like me tired of that very very quickly.  Are you meeting only men who say they are looking for something potentially serious?

And yes back in the day I didn't make myself overly available -if a man wanted a weekend date with me at night especially he had to call me (landline lol) by Wednesday night.  Never had any missed opportunities with that approach for years -that way I showed them how I expected to be treated and almost always I was busy for the weekend by Wednesday night. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, TacticalLinguine said:

Around the third date is when it tends to happen. Should I prolong it in the future? It's all so silly. 

I waited months (I was 24 for my first time and we waited over a year).  Until we were exclusive in love with real potential for marriage. I made two exceptions -two months for one guy (who I was set up with) and same for another where sex and exclusivity happened at the same time (typically we were exclusive for a few months before having sex).  The second example was a mistake on my part, the first wasn't a mistake as far as we weren't a good match but not because we had sex too soon.  

With my friends who had casual sex as you are I heard of the issues you are having much, much more.

[Batya33]

42 minutes ago, TacticalLinguine said:

this as I am a very physical person, but if I want a LTR with none of this drama then I should start waiting with the intimacy, indeed.

I am a very sexual and physical person too.  I'm also  foodie who loves chocolate. I made choices with sex with my long term goals, my emotional health and my physical health in mind.  I make choices in when I indulge in less healthy/unhealthy foods in much the same way. You don't have to let your desires override what is in your best interests, right?  Certainly if the risks of casual sex are worth it go for it -but not because "I can't help it I'm a physical and sexual person"

I was sexual and physical before intercourse. I waited to be sexual after several dates typically, we had sleepovers and no sex -and no there was no game or teasing -in all cases we both wanted to sleep in the same bed, spend the weekend together, we both wanted to wait for sex.  Except for that exception I mentioned and again that was a mistake.  A couple of guys dumped me when I didn't put out by the 3rd or 4th date lol and ---- good riddance!

[Sindy_0311]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I am a very sexual and physical person too.  I'm also  foodie who loves chocolate. I made choices with sex with my long term goals, my emotional health and my physical health in mind.  I make choices in when I indulge in less healthy/unhealthy foods in much the same way. You don't have to let your desires override what is in your best interests, right?

I think if OP has such desires she could get herself some regulars/casual relationships to fulfill her needs and still go on dates with serious prospects… 

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I think if OP has such desires she could get herself some regulars/casual relationships to fulfill her needs and still go on dates with serious prospects… 

She can.  I didn't date men who had that sort of approach/lifestyle -at least I avoided it - so she should keep in mind that certain serious minded men might not like it if they learned of it (either because she shared and/or increased risk of STDs/need for testing). Certainly if she wouldn't want to be with a man who wasn't cool with casual sex then it won't matter a bit.

She should figure out if her "needs" are more important than the icky feeling she is getting by these men backing off soon after having casual sex. 

I know very few people for whom casual sex/having intercourse is a need as opposed to a want just like with many desires so people choose based on a simple risk/benefit assessment. 

My future husband and I strongly desired to have  sex shortly after we got back together.  We both decided to wait so we could make sure we both felt comfortable with that decision -even though we'd had sex in the past when we first had a relationship.  I'm glad we waited!

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, TacticalLinguine said:

Around the third date is when it tends to happen. Should I prolong it in the future? It's all so silly. 

You are sleeping with them around 3rd date and then they lose interest because all they after is hookup. That is when it usually happens.

2 hours ago, TacticalLinguine said:

All my matches I have picked carefully in hopes of avoiding said players - no suggestive pics, no zero effort profiles, no off-putting bios or lack there of. I really have been trying. I also ask these guys what it is that they are after, they outright tell me it's LTR they're looking for. 

What else can I do? 

You are "weeding out" the obvious ones. AKA creeps who would send you D picks after first few messages. You are doing exactly nothing on "weeding out" the players. AKA people who would wine and dine you for 3 dates until they get what they want. Tell you stuff like "I cant commit right now but lets be FWB and maybe something develops later" until they get bored with you and find somebody new. Its not enough for them to tell you they want LTR, they would tell you whatever you want to hear to sleep with you, its their MO. You need to know that they are commited on being with you, aka spend some time with you and being exclusive with you. So maybe refraining from sex before that isnt such a bad idea. It would at least weed out the ones who would just want to sleep with you fast and then leave.

[Batya33]

Favorite sex and the city episode. Carrie meets a guy in her therapist’s waiting room. They go on a few dates and she has sex with him even though it’s really soon. Next morning she says to him during pillow talk “so why are you in therapy ?”  He says not looking at her “because I meet a woman am really into her and then right after we have sex I want to run away ….”

[Whirling D]

It would be helpful, at least to me, for you to describe what you mean by “lack of effort“ or pulling back. Could you give some examples?  Be specific?

 

[smackie9]

I am getting the impression too that they are "excited" because of the prospect of sex, and not romantically interested. After the 3rd date and they waver, punt them to the curb. Don't worry about their reaction...it's just their ego being butt hurt and that's on them. 

[catfeeder]

What you don’t mention is whether you’re getting sexual with these guys.

 If you’ve been strictly dating without sex, then consider the meh guys as screening themselves out FOR you. They’ve claimed to seek a LTR because they know that’s great subterfuge to gain a short term sexual thing early, and in your case, it didn’t work. Keep meeting guys, and you’ll strike simpatico eventually.

On the other hand, if you’ve been sexual, then that’s all they really wanted and the double standard applies, unfortunately.

 I realize there are exceptions, but those are anecdotal. If you seek a man who is capable of bonding on an intellectual and emotional level first and a sexual level only secondarily to that, then invest in the long term by allowing wrong matches to pass early.

Keep reminding yourself that you don’t want ANY guy, you want the RIGHT guy. So anyone who screens himself out has done you a favor.

[Cherylyn]

You might also want to try real person dating and meet regularly at public places to get to know a man better.  Sometimes something gets lost in translation doing everything electronically (online dating / excessive texting / emails,  etc.) 

Or,  local online dating and then meet regularly at public places to get better acquainted so you can observe personality and character with scrutiny. 

[boltnrun]

10 hours ago, TacticalLinguine said:

Around the third date is when it tends to happen. Should I prolong it in the future? It's all so silly. 

@catfeeder She says around the third date per the quote above.

@TacticalLinguine, what discussions have you had with these men regarding exclusivity prior to having sex with them?

[Andrina]

11 hours ago, TacticalLinguine said:

I simply ignored the latest guy after another low-effort reply from him regards to meeting up.

So you were the one who twice initiated the ask for a date with vague replies? Sounds like you're used to putting in more of the effort and it takes you too long to cut a guy loose who isn't worthy of your attention.

10 hours ago, TacticalLinguine said:

A little while ago here I ended up confronting the current guy about his lack of effort,

No need to confront a guy about this. You simply say: This relationship isn't working for me. Goodbye.

Because actions speak for themselves. Why cajole a guy into spending time with you? How is that enjoyable if you have to prod someone into being in your presence?

I know from experience because I made similar mistakes years ago when I did OLD. Many women regret knocking boots too soon, but rarely do they regret having waited. Because yeah, a guy who is into you and seeking a LTR will have the patience to wait, and he will enjoy getting to know all about you until then.

It takes dating a boatload of people before finding a good catch, so cut the losers loose a lot faster than you've been doing. At the beginning, put in equal effort and not a drop more. No double-asking. It's the best way to gauge true interest. Take care.

[catfeeder]

43 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

@catfeeder She says around the third date per the quote above.

@TacticalLinguine, what discussions have you had with these men regarding exclusivity prior to having sex with them?

Thanks, Bolt. I missed the sexual part and just caught that that’s when the guys bail.

So if the two coincide, what might that say?

This isn’t some moral finger wag against being sexual if that’s what you want, and possibly all you want, from a given date. But then recognize it as a key factor when nothing progresses beyond that point.

[rainbowsandroses]

12 hours ago, TacticalLinguine said:

The excitement lasts, but there's always a shift eventually. The guys, they don't ghost me, they don't dump me, but they pull back significantly without actually backing off completely. I've made it a point to notice these things and stop with the effort on my end when it's not reciprocated. Whenever I pull back myself, it's like a switch goes off and the guys start approaching me more again.

I personally believe this is very very normal during the early stages at least in my experience.  There is always going to some push/pull and uncertainty until both people find their groove together and decide to be exclusive.  Try to not take it personally is my advice, it's not about you.  

It's important to be flexible and allow a man the space and time to grow closer to you at his own pace.  Thers is a lot written about consistency but imo consistency during early stages is an unrealistic expectation, again it's not unusual for a man to "pull back" as he grows emotionally closer to you especially after first time sex.  If you leave him be like you're doing, he will usually return.  

Again, my experience and I've had several serious long term relationships and a marriage.  

When it happens, do your own thing. Live your life. Try to not take it personally, lower expectations and you'll be fine, I always was. 

Learn about men and how they fall in love.  Best to not fight or compete with their masculine nature, learn to understand it.