Is this common in dating?

[kehratha]

I guess I'm going against the general opinion on here.

Probably many cultural differences. I am from Europe and we don't have so many dating rules, or maybe I don't have :)). Same with exclusivity talk...we are suppose to be exclusive...til we are not :)).

For ME, having sex with a guy at first/second/20 date made no difference at all, in terms of having a LTR or not. 

I basically never really thought of this, I just went on with my feelings. Some were compatible, some were not, no biggie.

But you have to OWN it. If you know that you catch feelings after sex, maybe is better to wait for whatever intellectual/emotional bond you need.

In my opinion,  is not necessary all about having sex too soon, it's just dating scene those days, especially online. It's really about finding the right guy, at the right time. As someone said on one of the threads here, you really need just one.

 

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, kehratha said:

basically never really thought of this, I just went on with my feelings. Some were compatible, some were not, no biggie.

But you have to OWN it. If you know that you catch feelings after sex, maybe is better to wait for whatever intellectual emotional bond you need.

Yes totally with you on own it. I never caught feelings after sex.  That's not how it happened for me - feelings aren't something I catch like the cold I'm getting over. And I hate the whole use of words about feelings like that because it makes it sound like a fantasy cupid arrow and the person can then avoid "owning it" "I can't help it I ..... caught feelings!!"

  I knew I would feel emotional about being intimate through intercourse -including because I was pro-choice but not for myself! - I knew I wouldn't enjoy the act of intercourse outside of a loving, committed relationship, and it would be a biggie to me.  I used a combo of head and heart in all situations where going with my feelings had considerable risks -sort of like my heartstrings get tugged when I see all these kittens up for adoption and I sooooo want one for our family and my head says - can't go with that feeling -right now.  That sort of analysis comes up in our lives regularly, including with sex.  

My friend's daughter is a 30 something married mom of 3.  In her teens/early 20s she was promiscuous -she would have said so -she slept around, she had a blast doing so although also had some mental health issues so who knows.  She went for hot guys/bad boys, total rebel.  She got an STD -nothing terrible.  She then decided to return to her traditional upbringing - think religious Christian, etc.  She met a lovely gentleman through family friends.  Her age.  Had not slept around -the opposite.  She asked me for help (she was too embarrassed to ask her mother -my good friend -the mother knew she and I talked in this way).  How should she tell this man who clearly had serious intentions -about her STD and why she had it?? I advised her to tell him the truth and to explain she now wanted to live a committed, traditional lifestyle.  He was fine with it apparently - he loves her and wanted to marry her. 

But I know for sure she wishes so badly she hadn't slept around and faced potentially losing this man who easily could have said -look our values don't match up, I'm worried about this STD, and I have other women who I'm supposed to be introduced to."  He would be "judging" her but in terms of marital compatibility not as a person. 

So the woman who chooses to go with her feelings and OWN it should consider whether she's cool with not being desirable to more "traditional" men - that might be totally fine - she wants someone who shares her values that sex is for pleasure, fun and going with your feelings when you feel like getting naked and having sex.  

[Kwothe28]

44 minutes ago, kehratha said:

Probably many cultural differences. I am from Europe and we don't have so many dating rules, or maybe I don't have :)). Same with exclusivity talk...we are suppose to be exclusive...til we are not :)).

 

This is true for some European cultures. I was also perplexed when I heard here "exclusivity talk" and how "OMG are you exclusive" is so important. Here you either "fool around"(meaning ONS and such) or you are dating and having a relationship. If you have multiple dates, kissing, sex, its implied that you are in a relationship. I never had to have "exclusivity talk". Most I had to have is "where are we going" talk, in a sense of if we are going to continue the relationship or not. Its implied that you cant fool around because you are in a relationship and would be cheating. 

But different cultures have different rules. In places like USA its "normalized" that you date multiple people at once and even have sex with them. Guys OP is dating are doing it as well as OP probably. Which is fine, they all dont think they are doing something wrong and by their cultural standard, they dont. But it doesnt bring her closer to LTR. Hence why she maybe feels "convenient". She is dating all those men and has sex but at the end she is "one of many" for them, not "the one". That is why she maybe getting to know them better first would do a better trick then just sleeping with them after a shortwhile. 

[kehratha]

5 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

In places like USA its "normalized" that you date multiple people at once and even have sex with them. 

Which I also never did. It's like loosing your focus. But some call it "leaving your options open", therefore the "exclusivity talk" is needed, I guess...

[Jaunty]

1 hour ago, kehratha said:

 

But you have to OWN it. If you know that you catch feelings after sex, maybe is better to wait for whatever intellectual/emotional bond you need

Yes, that's the key.   Knowing yourself and your "risk tolerance" for various situations.

Certainly there are guys who are mainly looking for sex, and there are guys who are going to be ready to move on after having sex with a particular woman for any number of reasons.   It's not always because they're "just after one thing," sometimes they just lose interest at that point; they are looking for a serious relationship but you're not the one they're looking for, so they move on.  That's normal and it feels bad to be on the receiving  end - but there's nothing "wrong" with it.  It's what dating is all about. 

 

If this is going to hurt you, then simply do not have sex until you have a good reason to believe the guy is happy to stick around with you even if it takes a long time to get to that point.  Still there are no guarantees at all but that's how you take care of yourself if that's what you need.  

[rainbowsandroses]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Yes totally with you on own it. I never caught feelings after sex.  That's not how it happened for me - feelings aren't something I catch like the cold I'm getting over. And I hate the whole use of words about feelings like that because it makes it sound like a fantasy cupid arrow and the person can then avoid "owning it" "I can't help it I ..... caught feelings!!"

The phrase "catch feelings" or "I caught feelings" is a very common phrase in American culture and perhaps other cultures.  All it means is "developed" feelings, and many women and some men do develop feelings after sex for various reasons.  Sexual intimacy releases the hormone oxytocin in some people, mostly women, which is a bonding hormone. 

For me personally, I don't have sex unless and until I have already developed feelings which when it's right and the chemistry is there (beyond just physical) can happen early in.  It's typically been mutual, happening between the both of  us. The sex simply "enhances" those feelings. 

No wrong or right, to each their own.  But no need imho to place too much meaning into the phrase 'caught feelings', it's simply a figure of speech, another way of saying 'developed feelings,' but less formal. 

 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

In places like USA its "normalized" that you date multiple people at once and even have sex with them. Guys OP is dating are doing it as well as OP probably. Which is fine, they all dont think they are doing something wrong and by their cultural standard, they dont.

I never had casual sex.  I did date multiple people as my goal was marriage and in my 30s I never put all my eggs in one basket until I knew the person a few months (like 6-8 weeks was usually when we decided to be exclusive) - in my 30s it was getting to be slimmer pickings so I didn't want to forego opportunities to meet potentially good matches.  

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

he phrase "catch feelings" or "I caught feelings" is a very common phrase in American culture and perhaps other cultures.  All it means is "developed" feelings, and many women and some men do develop feelings after sex for various reasons.  Sexual intimacy releases the hormone oxytocin in some people, mostly women, which is a bonding hormone. 

I'm entitled to.  I don't like the connotation of that phrase.  I am a person who values owning my choices and owning my reactions to my feelings as much as possible.  Action not passivity like going through a car wash and catching water on the windows.  To me it's not semantics particularly because typically a woman will use it as part of playing the used victim.  After consenting to casual sex.  I live in the USA and did not grow up with that phrase.  And it doesn't resonate with me at all.  

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, kehratha said:

Which I also never did. It's like loosing your focus. But some call it "leaving your options open", therefore the "exclusivity talk" is needed, I guess...

We always had the talk because we both wanted to know if the other wanted to commit, to explore something potentially serious and stop looking at other options. If we were on the same page.  Some do so also to make sure that if there is sex it's monogamous and exclusive sex.

[TacticalLinguine]

On 6/5/2023 at 4:04 PM, Whirling D said:

It would be helpful, at least to me, for you to describe what you mean by “lack of effort“ or pulling back. Could you give some examples?  Be specific?

 

Hey Whirling, thanks for chiming in. It's one of those things that you more so feel. When the communication was full of excitement and enthusiasm at first, something dropped. It was like suddenly he expected me to hang around for his confirmation of the next date, instead of planning with me, trying to be with me, etc. Very lame.

By the way, sincerely wishing you luck with the doctor lady 🙂

On 6/5/2023 at 10:57 PM, catfeeder said:

Keep reminding yourself that you don’t want ANY guy, you want the RIGHT guy. So anyone who screens himself out has done you a favor.

Thank you for this, I'm not sure what's wrong in my head but I keep trying to "fix" situations when it wasn't actually me who caused the issue. It's easier to blame yourself, then it CAN be fixed.

On 6/5/2023 at 11:12 PM, boltnrun said:

What discussions have you had with these men regarding exclusivity prior to having sex with them?

It's always been understood that after we get intimate, it's us. Sleeping with multiple people is off limits, it's a risk to everyone's health. When it comes to keeping options open, that's a different topic and requires an agreement. 

On 6/6/2023 at 7:25 PM, rainbowsandroses said:

I think if a guy is going to freak out or become turned off after sex and bolt OR his only goal was having sex, it won't matter if you have sex on the third date or 20th date.

Many women have been "pumped and dumped" after waiting weeks or sometimes months.  Other women like myself have had LTRs after having early sex.

There is no way to know for certain, it's all a risk no matter how you slice and dice.

But if you learn to become resilient and have trust in yourself that you will be OK no matter what the outcome, your partner will feel that energy and chances are everything will be fine. 

On the other hand, if you become anxious and act on that anxiety, seeking reassurance and validation and become too attached to the outcome, your partner will feel that negative energy and become turned off. 

The reality is it's all a risk that you must be willing to take imo.  There are no guarantees.

I think this is a great point. I don't want to believe becoming intimate is a game to be played. I feel like if he bolts after you have sex with him after the 3rd date, he'd bolt after the 10th date as well? In my case, not only am I a physical person in a sense that I want to be intimate with the person I'm into, but physical touch is 100% my love language. It's how a lot of communication happens for me. I'm terrible at expressing myself through words. This guy, I nearly slept with him after the 2nd date but like many have said here, you can be intimate without it leading to sex. This is an anonymous forum, I can be tmi here, I saw this tip in a movie once - I made it a point not to shave my legs so I wouldn't break and cave (':

On 6/6/2023 at 11:13 PM, Sindy_0311 said:

I’ve been thinking about this today. Because i also struggle a bit in dating. And finally, I came to the conclusion that you just have to do you. No matter if you have sex on the 3rd date or wait for exclusivity, when the right person appears, it will make no difference. We all have different lives, experiences, personalities. We all go on our own path. If guys withdraw after having sex, they just weren’t the one. You can do no wrong when you meet mr right. So my advice would be to just continue dating those men, being yourself, sleeping with them if you want to, and someday you will meet the one who will appreciate your authenticity and be aligned to your pace. Stop thinking that there is something wrong with you, or that you should change anything in your behavior. The only thing that’s wrong is that your man didn’t crossed your path yet. Be patient… 

I like this mindset, too. If I like someone, I know very quickly what I want with them. The number of dates or planet alignments could never disrupt that. You see so much of these "dating rules" online that fuel a lot of this anxiety and fear. 

On 6/6/2023 at 11:45 PM, Jaunty said:

 I agree 100%.  My point was that if the sex with the woman wasn't great, it can inspire a guy to lose interest and leave.  I mean, he was "test driving"  too.

 

I'm not sure if I should put this out there, I don't want to sound like a douchebag, but I feel like this is relevant. I am confident this was not the case with us, in fact I feel like a lot of our connection is physical. In a sense it is nice, re: my love language, but it also concerns me because I am looking for something more meaningful. 

20 hours ago, kehratha said:

I guess I'm going against the general opinion on here.

Probably many cultural differences. I am from Europe and we don't have so many dating rules, or maybe I don't have :)). Same with exclusivity talk...we are suppose to be exclusive...til we are not :)).

For ME, having sex with a guy at first/second/20 date made no difference at all, in terms of having a LTR or not. 

I basically never really thought of this, I just went on with my feelings. Some were compatible, some were not, no biggie.

But you have to OWN it. If you know that you catch feelings after sex, maybe is better to wait for whatever intellectual/emotional bond you need.

In my opinion,  is not necessary all about having sex too soon, it's just dating scene those days, especially online. It's really about finding the right guy, at the right time. As someone said on one of the threads here, you really need just one.

 

Yes, the exclusivity topic is a bit confusing here, I'm European as well. Personally I don't necessarily catch feelings through sex either, but a lot of what I see is "If you have sex too soon, he'll lose interest". I don't know. If he does, maybe he should then. Would I really want to salvage something with a guy who would lose interest because of having sex too soon? Maybe I'm being naive and selfish with my mindset, but to me it is just sex. It's so natural. 

18 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

This is true for some European cultures. I was also perplexed when I heard here "exclusivity talk" and how "OMG are you exclusive" is so important. Here you either "fool around"(meaning ONS and such) or you are dating and having a relationship. If you have multiple dates, kissing, sex, its implied that you are in a relationship. I never had to have "exclusivity talk". Most I had to have is "where are we going" talk, in a sense of if we are going to continue the relationship or not. Its implied that you cant fool around because you are in a relationship and would be cheating. 

But different cultures have different rules. In places like USA its "normalized" that you date multiple people at once and even have sex with them. Guys OP is dating are doing it as well as OP probably. Which is fine, they all dont think they are doing something wrong and by their cultural standard, they dont. But it doesnt bring her closer to LTR. Hence why she maybe feels "convenient". She is dating all those men and has sex but at the end she is "one of many" for them, not "the one". That is why she maybe getting to know them better first would do a better trick then just sleeping with them after a shortwhile. 

I'm glad you posted this comment as it runs straight into my update. 

UPDATE

Technically I have a running thread on this guy but I decided to post the update here as it feels more relevant.. 

We met up yesterday. He had tried nailing down a meeting with me after I'd ran pretty cold with him, in the end I just kind of thought what the hell. I kind of expected things to end, and for closure for everything. 

He showed up with a big bouquet of flowers again like he did when we first met. Said he noticed I'd backed off, didn't know what was going on, hoped I was okay and that the flowers would cheer me up. I was quite flabbergasted as it was so unexpected. We sat down and I told him my issue; no effort, no enthusiasm, I'm unhappy, thinking of moving on. We talked for a long time, I'm still not sure though. I'm so vary of pretty words, they don't mean much. I don't want to believe something he says simply because it sounds nice, I want to see him act on it. Then again I'm tired of being patient. 

I'm not sure how I mentioned this through our conversation but I stated I had my options mostly open and was sure that was the case for him as well. His eyes went wide and he said he thought we were exclusive. That he's not looking, doesn't have time to look, barely has time for me as I could tell. He let me in more on what goes on in his life - he is an aspiring athlete, works full time, has friends, family, all of that I am aware of. But he showed me his timetable and where he has squeezed me into. My heart pretty much broke. He barely sleeps some days and still meets me, other days he has cancelled his training sessions which mean everything to him. He said he wants this to work, but his busy schedule worries him and that he's always scared it might bite him in the a**. 

It was kind of him to let me in. But that doesn't mean I'll be happy with the communication, I know that. He also said he is "on the spectrum" which, I am not exactly sure what that means, as in how much it affects someone. Could that be a reason for poor communication? He did seem truly clueless as to why I am upset. He thought something else was going on in my life. 

I'm still very unsure, and my mind is a bit of a mess. I'm still processing, I am sorry if I'm not making much sense.

[TacticalLinguine]

Sorry for the length of the last post. There were a lot of insightful messages, different ideas and discussions, all of which I appreciate a lot, thank you for taking the time! I hope I addressed the points that are relevant.. A bit confused right now. 

I do have to say this, @Kwothe28, I am not sure if I am reading you wrong, but you make a lot of assumptions about my dating life, sex life, standards, female experience, and so on. Kindly asking you to be more respectful. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, TacticalLinguine said:

t's always been understood that after we get intimate, it's us. Sleeping with multiple people is off limits, it's a risk to everyone's health. When it comes to keeping options open, that's a different topic and requires an agreement. 

So -sexual monogamy -but not necessarily exclusivity/commitment? Just wanted to make sure I understood, thanks.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, TacticalLinguine said:

In my case, not only am I a physical person in a sense that I want to be intimate with the person I'm into, but physical touch is 100% my love language. It's how a lot of communication happens for me. I'm terrible at expressing myself through words. This guy, I nearly slept with him after the 2nd date but like many have said here, you can be intimate without it leading to sex. This is an anonymous forum, I can be tmi here, I saw this tip in a movie once - I made it a point not to shave my legs so I wouldn't break and cave (':

So yes for sure if your choice is to focus on physical and sexual touch -as opposed to let's say working on how you show love in other ways (your choice what you choose to do with how  you interact with humans as long as you're not hurting anyone!), and if intercourse is your priority in communication then find men who feel the same

- I say that because your level of focus is unusual and your limitations in showing love other ways is a bit unusual -so a person who is more typical -not as uber-focused on communicating through physical touch to show love -likely would feel uncomfortable including because that person likely would feel you were being cold/distant if not in physical or sexual contact (I'd feel that way for sure and have even more negative and uncomfortable feelings about a person with your approach so it wouldn't work at all).  

Yes you can be intimate in many ways without intercourse or even oral.  Both people have to be comfortable with that.  I don't think of it as "leading" -to me being intimate is its own thing whether it's kissing, holding hands intimately or intercourse.  Doesn't need to be a step towards intercourse.

But yes-limit your dating pool to those who also believe in "love languages" in the intense way you do and who share your love language -you''ll know pretty soon if that is the case I would think. Good luck!

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, TacticalLinguine said:

He also said he is "on the spectrum" which, I am not exactly sure what that means, as in how much it affects someone. Could that be a reason for poor communication? He did seem truly clueless as to why I am upset. He thought something else was going on in my life. 

I'm still very unsure, and my mind is a bit of a mess. I'm still processing, I am sorry if I'm not making much sense.

Yes -and just like you say you have poor communication skills when it comes to showing you care verbally or in other ways except physical/sexually his being on the spectrum -if that is  a diagnosis -may affect -may -his ability to communicate or understand social cues.  I wouldn't date someone who was "exclusive" with me because "I don't have time to look" as opposed to "I have no desire to look" - so I'd clarify if he means - he only wants to be with you/he's really busy so he doesn't know how often he can be with you and even if he did have some free time he wouldn't desire to look for other women.  

All else equal I preferred not to date men who were on the spectrum.  I would be friends or associate with them of course.  I also believe there are people who are undiagnosed but are on the spectrum. But if a man told me he was AND it was because I'd brought up how I was unhappy with the lack of communication I would think long and hard before continuing since the communication issues would be likely to continue to an extent where I wouldn't be happy.

[Andrina]

3 hours ago, TacticalLinguine said:

I'm terrible at expressing myself through words.

Have you ever thought some guys might lose interest because of this? Something you could work on, as I know if the tables were turned and a guy only expressed affection toward me with sex only without ever expressing his feelings toward me in words, I wouldn't be very happy.

Anyone can improve with practice.

[Jaunty]

It sounds like things are back on track with this guy. Good. 

I'd suggest that, if you are having a similar, unsatisfactory (to you)  pattern emerge with various guys, you might need to look at changing some of your own patterns.

There's not anything wrong with having sex early on in a relationship, but many people are looking for a lot more than a sexual connection.  I'm not saying that's all you have to offer, but you do seem very comfortable with this being your main way of expressing feelings.   

Many people, men and women alike, are looking for a broader range of experiencing romantic love.

Also, the sexual intensity of relationships usually fades somewhat.  There needs to be a lot behind that to make a lasting connection.

[boltnrun]

Something to keep in mind: some men might presume that since you are willing to have sex with them early on, you're doing the same thing or have done the same thing with multiple other men. I've met men who thought I had sexual involvements with several other men and told me they weren't interested in a woman who "gets around". 

Now, I am not sl*t shaming you because that would be wrong. There is nothing wrong with two consenting adults having sex. I'm just talking about how it could be perceived. "If she's willing to do it with me so soon, how many others has she done it with?" Maybe not particularly fair. But possibly what they're thinking.

One guy I had a four year relationship with waited a couple of months before bringing up having sex. He said he didn't want to rush it. 

Anyway, just a possibility to consider.

[rainbowsandroses]

22 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Something to keep in mind: some men might presume that since you are willing to have sex with them early on, you're doing the same thing or have done the same thing with multiple other men. I've met men who thought I had sexual involvements with several other men and told me they weren't interested in a woman who "gets around". 

Talking to men, this is true, many men do feel this way.  Course they are doing the same, but in their minds, it's different because well, they're men.  So there is definitely a double standard about it. 

Not all men though. Take one of my ex's, it was a LTR, many years.  The attraction was intense straight away and we had sex on our first date. 

We were pretty much inseparable after that.  A couple of years later, I asked him what he thought about us having sex so quickly, what he thought about ME.  

He sort of chuckled and replied that no he never thought of me as "loose" or "sl*tty," he chalked it up to me being wildly attracted to HIM (which I was!) and since he knew how many men had wanted to date me and I turned them down (we worked together and in the same social circle), he felt incredibly flattered!  

Course he felt the same about me (wildly attracted) and in truth early sex enhanced our connection and as I said we became inseparable after that night and dated many many years. 

 

 

[Kwothe28]

9 hours ago, TacticalLinguine said:

I do have to say this, @Kwothe28, I am not sure if I am reading you wrong, but you make a lot of assumptions about my dating life, sex life, standards, female experience, and so on. Kindly asking you to be more respectful. 

I dont think Ive been particularly harsh to you. Maybe I wasnt very clear. I really dont care how many men you date if you do. I really dont care if you sleep with those men on third or first date. Heck, I really dont care if you gather all those men in one room and make an orgy. Its your life. What I do care is you asking a question about your dating life and me(and everybody else here) answering to that. If the question is if you do something wrong because there is a pattern where a lot of men particularly lose interest after 3rd date or sex, it is a legitimate thing to assume that you are

a) dating a lot of wrong men who are only aftering one thing

b) that your pattern where you sleep with those men because "that is your love language", is not something you should be relying and should change it if you want LTR

Maybe its not something you want to hear. We get a lot of posters here who only want to hear something that would exonorate them of accountability. To say "Aha, its not me who is at fault, Ive only been bumping into wrong men, when the right man comes along everything would be OK". Sorry, but I think you should hear that, if the pattern exists, its you who is responsible for the pattern. And that if you want different outcomes, pattern needs to change. For example if you want LTR maybe "banter" and sexual compatibility shouldnt be your priority. But how he has been treating you(which he does good for now). And even stuff like availabity. Which he is sorely lacking. If he had time for you at start but now pulling away, that means he is pulling away from some reason. If he is busy and doesnt have time for you, then he shouldnt date. And you should be regarding that as a red flag. Instead of feeling guilty because you kept your options open and he(at least on paper) has only times for you. Heck, on a different thread you told he already told you that he has a baggage from the last relationship and only wants to spend a quality time for now. Being exclusive to you doesnt exonorate him from that huge red flag. Nore to you for accepting somebody like that in hopes he maybe develops feeling later down the line. 

Then again, I comb through your threads. You have plenty red flags on your own. How is your alcohol issue for example? Are you working on that?

Again, if you want LTR you are going to have to change your patterns. Sure, maybe one day some good man bumps into your life and everything goes smoothly. You go on dates, have sex, develop feelings for each other etc. Thing is, there are a lot more chances of that to happen if you are careful with your dates, focus on things that actually matter for LTR and dont ignore red flags. You going "with the flow" might land you a good man sometimes, but the chances of that are minimal. Change your MO and then maybe you would have a better chances on landing that LTR you want. Because if you dont you need to know that this pattern that you are experiencing wont change that much or at all. 

[Batya33]

I think sometimes people believe to go with the flow is inconsistent with traditional dating and exclusivity etc. it’s not. Within a committed relationship you can be spontaneous and go with the flow of getting to know each other. Typically when a person asks for sex but also wants to “go with the flow “ it means go with the flow as far as committing to that person. Because obviously they don’t want to just go with the flow if of it means delaying sex until it feels right for both people - they want sex at that particular time but not making plans for future dates or a relationship 

[Kwothe28]

8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think sometimes people believe to go with the flow is inconsistent with traditional dating and exclusivity etc. it’s not.

I am not saying it is. I have a friend that as far as I know has never gone on dates. All his girfriends he usually landed by hooking up as soon as he met them that same night. But he is extremely commited to his relationships. Maintains contact, takes them all out when we as friends are gathering and introduces them to all, even introduces them to parents, if its long distance he visits as often as possible etc. Maybe OP meets somebody like my friend and they get each other, who knows. Things is, there are very little chances of that actually happening. I like my friend, but some of his girlfriends were literal nutcases. One ran naked through town. I am not joking. And that is precisely because he has "gone with the flow" and then tried relationships with those women. At the end he did met a nice woman and they live together now. So again, it could happen to OP too. But chances of that are very unlikely if she accepts people who tell her that tell her how they have baggage and only want to spend quality time now. Literal code for "I just want sex".

[Jaunty]

Okay.  I just looked at your recent thread about this guy.

In that thread, you told us exactly what was going to happen between you - because he TOLD you himself.

So rather than starting a new thread asking whether this "is common in dating," you might want to explore why you are expecting something different from a guy who told you outright that he was just up for some fooling around and definitely was not "relationship material."   

What do you think about that?

[developandearn]

I think that the problem is not with you, but with people who want to get to know you because Ukraine scams forum appear and even more scammers appear. therefore, always be careful and check whether people are scammers or not. I hope that such sites and people will decrease and it will be possible to communicate with good people.