my crush is being hot and cold

[ginny1999rien]

i've been working with this guy for months now and i developed a crush on him very quickly. he confessed his feelings to me a few weeks ago and told me that the moment he saw me he thought i was the love of his life, and he even told his friends about me. he says that i'm his exact type and he hasn't felt this way about a girl in a long time, and says that he wants a relationship with me and isn't willing to just hook up because he sees a future with me. that week we hung out and face-timed often, and he'd call me and tell me how much he missed me.

just two weeks pass by and he starts pulling away, isn't affectionate, flakes on our plans and takes ages to text back. when i ask him what's wrong, he tells me that his ex (who is taken) reached out to him after a long period of no contact. she cheated on him and he never wants to date her again, but the situation still hurt him badly and he told me that he's still recovering from it. apparently hearing from her resurfaced some feelings in him and he tells me that he doesn't see a relationship with me anymore, and i assume that he's lost feelings for me, so i tell him that i don't want to see him or talk to him anymore outside of work.

this past week we ran into each other at a bar and had a drunk kiss, but later he tells me he shouldn't have done that and that he's sorry. despite that he's been flirty at work again and says he wants to be friends w benefits again. it all happened so quickly, and when i asked him how his feelings could change so abruptly he says that it's because he's had a lot on his mind and being with me has made those past relationship traumas bubble up to the surface.

do i keep trying with him or am i being stupid? should i just cut him off and forget pursuing anything romantic? i still have serious feelings for him, and i want to keep seeing him but i'm scared that trying will hurt me more.

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, ginny1999rien said:

  he wants to be friends w benefits again. 

Is that what you want? He seems like a player. Please don't fall for sweettalk and nonsense such as after he gets sex, he's suddenly too wounded to have a relationship.

If you would like a BF/relationship, save yourself a lot of headaches and heartaches and cut your losses. Be polite and professional at work and don't hang out. Delete and block him  from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

[ginny1999rien]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is that what you want? He seems like a player. If you would like a BF/relationship, save yourself a lot of headaches and heartaches and cut your losses. Be polite and professional at work and don't hang out. Delete and block him  from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

at the start of all of this i told him i didn't want to jump into a relationship because i just got out of another one, and offered to just be friends with benefits. at first he was reluctant but now he seems open to it. 

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, ginny1999rien said:

, isn't affectionate, flakes on our plans and takes ages to text back. 

From what you wrote, it seems like you want a BF, but he's not interested. If you want to be treated badly and just hookup, then you could pursue him. Perhaps it's time to consider dating more serious men outside of work?  

[Batya33]

Basically you told him how to treat you. You told him as a first impression that you are not interested in a relationship and you’re interested in having a sexual arrangement - I mean you weren’t good friends with him right?  
He said a lot of sweet words and he barely knew you. Two people who barely know each other and one is saying all these words about being over the moon and the other is saying I’m not interested in over the moon but am interested in under the sheets.

His actions are he chooses to get drunk and chooses the consequences - a regretful drunken kiss.  All of this means you two might be on the same page for a sexual arrangement while he also likely sleeps with his ex but I don’t see you two having a real friendship let alone a potentially serious relationship. 
if you are interested in a man and see potential for dating I’d avoid proclaiming you’ll settle for a sexual arrangement. Typically not a good look. Live and learn. 

[Jaunty]

I'm sorry but this is hard to take seriously.  Did you ever actually date the guy, or just a "crush" that you had casual sex with?  You agreed to be a booty call ... so you and he both set off on a path that doesn't lead to a relationship.  If this isn't what you wanted, why did you choose to do it?

[Jaunty]

Just now, Jaunty said:

I'm sorry but this is hard to take seriously.  Did you ever actually date the guy, or just a "crush" that you had casual sex with?  You agreed to be a booty call ... so you and he both set off on a path that doesn't lead to a relationship.  If this isn't what you wanted, why did you choose to do it?

If you haven't had sex yet, and just the one "drunk kiss," cut your losses and move on.  This is going nowhere and you have set yourself up for pain.

 

[Andrina]

If you wanted casual and a FWB, you wouldn't need to write a wall of text about this guy. You'd be okay with no strings attached, and you two could boink whomever you wanted besides each other. Get real with yourself about what you really want in the dating world, and then set standards for yourself. Cut bait when the guy wants different than you. Longterm guys who see potential will be patient about being intimate. Maybe try that next time to possibly vette a guy better before giving him the gift of your body.

[lostandhurt]

He is not being hot and cold.  He is keeping you off balance so you don't see what is really going on.

He love bombs you, you have sex with him then suddenly he cannot be in a relationship with you BUT he is willing to be a FWB despite telling you right off he doesn't just want a hook up, he wants a relationship.

 He has you all off balance so you wont see what he is really up to which is doing what ever he wants and you will go along with it. Right now you are confused but drawn to the guy you cannot have so you are willing to hang in there and keep trying. Basically you are chasing him and that is what he wants.

 If you just want sex then keep banging this guy all you want but don't expect or even contemplate anything more with him. Now if you want a relationship and think banging him will keep him around long enough until he falls for you then you need to cut him off today and steer clear of him.

Lost  

 

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, ginny1999rien said:

do i keep trying with him or am i being stupid?

You are going to get very, very hurt if you keep trying. 

 

[Kwothe28]

11 hours ago, ginny1999rien said:

do i keep trying with him or am i being stupid?

Not stupid, just naive. He can promise to "take stars of the sky" for you. Tell you all kinds of things. But at the end of the day his actions suggest that all he wanted is "friends with benefits". When you see each other and when he wants "benefits" part, he makes contact. When he doesnt, you dont exist to him at all. There is nothing to pursue when you are playing right into his game. He got you where he wanted you to be. Promising you just enough for you to cling on there but doing exactly what he wants. You clearly want more froom this so dont agree to his games and cut contact if it isnt something work related.

[rainbowsandroses]

14 hours ago, ginny1999rien said:

i've been working with this guy for months now and i developed a crush on him very quickly. he confessed his feelings to me a few weeks ago and told me that the moment he saw me he thought i was the love of his life, and he even told his friends about me. he says that i'm his exact type and he hasn't felt this way about a girl in a long time, and says that he wants a relationship.

The moment he saw you?  Had you even gone on a date yet?  You have to know this isn't normal behavior, and he's either living in fantasy land or it was a clear manipulation so you'd have sex with him.

I once had a man propose marriage very early into our first date, and I politely excused myself, walked home and blocked him. 

Your mistake was taking his words seriously, I mean again from what you've posted when he declared his "love" you had not even gone on one date.  

Please learn when men come on super strong like this, they're living in a fantasy which fantasy can end at any time as it did here when his ex reached out. 

Continue no contact, and learn from the experience is all you can do. 

[smackie9]

You don't want a relationship but it seem you are getting too attached if your feeling are getting hurt. He is emotionally unavailable, is that what you want? No so write him off. He will never be on the emotional level you want him to be at with you. 

[Superstickyone]

He's hot and cold because you're ultra casual to him.  Love bombing is what players do to reel you in.  You fell for all the ego boosting compliments.  He's not interested in anything but FWB. This is how you'll be treated.  Like garbage.

Please move on, go on a dating site and stay away from men at work.  

Accept that you were played, recognize the signs for future interactions.  And MOVE on  please 🙏. 

[catfeeder]

This is not what you ‘should’ do, only what I would do. I’d back off and allow the mess to unravel while I focus on my work and possibly dating other guys.

That includes avoiding contact, flirting or encouraging the guy in any way.

From this I’d gain a clearer perspective, and if the guy pursues private contact AFTER I’ve gained that, I’d tell him that I’ve learned that I’m strictly relationship material, and I thank him for teaching me that about myself.

Then I would shut up and learn how he responds to that. If it’s flirty and sexual in nature, I’d just avoid a response and let him keep that. If it’s anything but a clear and respectful alignment with that sentiment, I’d stay backed off without responding and I’d behave as a professional whenever our paths cross.

If he responds with a clear suggestion that he’d like to go there with me, then nothing less than public dating to actually get to know one another beyond sex is all I’d accept from him.

Otherwise, it’s all just word salad ‘around’ the fact that his early love-bombing worked to sexualize the relationship early, and he’s not really interested in more than that.

So that’s just me, and it’s all about undoing the damage I’ve done to myself by sexualizing a potential relationship prematurely. He either wants to back up with me to restart this in a slow and consistent way, or he was just blowing smoke to get me into bed and the rest is irrelevant beyond that.

I’d adopt the courage to learn which it is without using sex to hide the answer from myself.

[greendots]

Sage advice I learnt here on ENA:

Hot & cold behaviour = not interested.

[Cherylyn]

Cut it off with him.  Maintain a polite and professional relationship with him at best.  No more,  no less. 

Don't do anything stupid.  He'll just use you for sex and discard you like yesterday's trash.  🗑️

[redswim30]

GIRL,

RUN!  RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION OF THIS MAN. 

Sorry, I meant- little boy.