Was she just being nice or...

[TheLambOfDeth]

4 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

Lyle Lovett and Julia Roberts.  Kate Beckinsale and Pete Davidson.  Rick Okasik and Paulina Porizkova.

I am sure you know couples where one is more attractive than the other or is more successful.

It happens all the time.  Heck I have dated way way out of my league several times and I still have no idea why they dated me but they did.

  Give her a chance to like you for who you are before you throw a wrench in the whole thing.

Lost

Things are different with famous, rich people. Talent and notoriety in your field can compensate for looks. It's just different. I'll keep an open mind overall, but I'm not going to get my hopes up just bc someone is being nice.

 

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

Actually, the rumor is that guy just has a huge dong. There is simply no way he is pulling women who are not only way prettier but also way more successful then him otherwise. He literally looks like a rat lol

I've heard that too, but I can't imagine he's the first man in Hollywood to have a large penis. He was on SNL had a film and now a show about his life and he consistent gets work. He's def very confident, charisma and has that bad boy image and an appeal women like. I mean some women go crazy for Post Malone and he legit looks like a drug addled homeless man.

[Batya33]

Forget about wanting some woman to "go crazy" over you especially your features- even if you were "hot" I'd say this -that kind of crazy often has zero staying power especially because people change/age.  Please accept that people get attracted to people for all sorts of reasons and certain people -separately -value having arm candy/trophy objectively hot looks because it reassures them that they have value -that's how they define value. (I did not after my teens/early 20s).  

I hope you meet her for coffee!

[TheLambOfDeth]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Forget about wanting some woman to "go crazy" over you especially your features- even if you were "hot" I'd say this -that kind of crazy often has zero staying power especially because people change/age.  Please accept that people get attracted to people for all sorts of reasons and certain people -separately -value having arm candy/trophy objectively hot looks because it reassures them that they have value -that's how they define value. (I did not after my teens/early 20s).  

I hope you meet her for coffee!

I'm not asking for some woman to "go crazy over my appearance". I've never asked for anything like that. And I'm well aware that some people are shallow and just seek hot people to validate them...that has nothing to do with this instance, but I'm aware it happens very often with attractive.

Welp she asked what day next week works for me and I told her two days ago and she hasn't replied so....again, I might've gotten my hopes up...again. It might not even happen.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

I'm not asking for some woman to "go crazy over my appearance". I've never asked for anything like that. And I'm well aware that some people are shallow and just seek hot people to validate them...that has nothing to do with this instance, but I'm aware it happens very often with attractive.

Welp she asked what day next week works for me and I told her two days ago and she hasn't replied so....again, I might've gotten my hopes up...again. It might not even happen.

You referenced it above.  I responded. It's a holiday weekend.  Give her time.

[Andrina]

I hope you continue to volunteer there, even if she doesn't respond or just wants to be friends. 

[TheLambOfDeth]

23 minutes ago, Andrina said:

I hope you continue to volunteer there, even if she doesn't respond or just wants to be friends. 

Dude, if she doesn't respond I'm never going back to that place. Are you serious? It would be extremely disrespectful to tell someone you accept an invite, then not contact them again. And then I'm going to go back there and work for her for free again? loooolsno

[lostandhurt]

I simply do not know what to say.  You are negative, doom and gloom and look for any reason for failure.

It is like you do not want to succeed.

  I wish you the best

I am out

 Lost

[TheLambOfDeth]

1 hour ago, lostandhurt said:

I simply do not know what to say.  You are negative, doom and gloom and look for any reason for failure.

It is like you do not want to succeed.

  I wish you the best

I am out

 Lost

No, you don't understand, but is like I'll not allowed to succeed. I'm demonstated this over and over. You people are so quick to judge...but if you couldn't even get dates or someone to show any intetest, or not be intetested time after time after time, you wouldn't have some optimistic, bubbly mentality either.

[Whirling D]

8 hours ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

No, you don't understand, but is like I'll not allowed to succeed. I'm demonstated this over and over. You people are so quick to judge...but if you couldn't even get dates or someone to show any intetest, or not be intetested time after time after time, you wouldn't have some optimistic, bubbly mentality either.

I completely get what you are saying, and I am going through something similar with an awesome lady that I never in my life would have thought would like to me…

I was on here, almost just like you are, looking for thoughts and advice and validation, and got a lot of the same varied responses that you are, with many of them being negative.

despite all of my own doom and gloom, and there is a lot, I was able to connect the dots with the lady I wanted to go out with, and I just took the steps to move forward… Not imagining that this kind of lady could ever like someone like me, similar to what you are saying.

i’ve gone out with this lady three times now, and I’m getting to know her… And it is showing some real promise. I am scared as crap, truthfully, but I’m still taking one step in front of the other… And doing the best that I can to just be myself when I’m around her. Thankfully, she’s making it easy for me to do that.

so, do what you need to do… Hold your head high and do your best to go out and meet her. If she doesn’t get back to you, text her again another time to check in and see when she’s available.

I think there’s no way that she would have accepted a coffee date from you and she didn’t like you in some form. Whether it turns into a friend zone kind of thing may depend on how things go when you actually get together.  

let us know how things go and when you have stuff set up, OK?

[Batya33]

I think it's a shame if you stop contributing as a volunteer for those self-serving reasons that oh well your ego was bruised.  Obviously you're working for free -you signed up for that. 

There was one guy who was interested in dating me at the homeless shelter where I volunteered once a week for 7 years -reading to kids who resided there.  This fellow volunteer was friendly and then one evening we walked together to the bus stop to go back to our part of the city. 

He never asked me out.  I mentioned my boyfriend regularly.  I didn't flirt and I was friendly. Nice person! Had I not been involved I likely would have gone on a date with him. 

It was obvious he knew I wasn't interested beyond being friendly.  Point is he kept volunteering and in fact randomly I ran into him at another event later -he was there with his future wife and they were both nice to me.

Put your bruised ego aside -life isn't fair sometimes - it's just coffee and she's allowed to change her mind etc.  She's one person who is there (yes I know she's the organizer but quitting is just unfair to the people who need all of your work).  

[TheLambOfDeth]

12 hours ago, Whirling D said:

so, do what you need to do… Hold your head high and do your best to go out and meet her. If she doesn’t get back to you, text her again another time to check in and see when she’s available.

I think there’s no way that she would have accepted a coffee date from you and she didn’t like you in some form. Whether it turns into a friend zone kind of thing may depend on how things go when you actually get together.  

let us know how things go and when you have stuff set up, OK?

It's just weird. Why agree to meet, mention next week works best and ask what day I'm available, I give a day, then she reads it and doesn't respond to confirm. Just say no or don't agree if you're not interested...

[TheLambOfDeth]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Put your bruised ego aside -life isn't fair sometimes - it's just coffee and she's allowed to change her mind etc.  She's one person who is there (yes I know she's the organizer but quitting is just unfair to the people who need all of your work).  

You can't be serious. If someone cant extend the consideration to not lie about wanting to meet, I'm not going to extend the consideration to work at this venue for free. That's really unrealistic.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

You can't be serious. If someone cant extend the consideration to not lie about wanting to meet, I'm not going to extend the consideration to work at this venue for free. That's really unrealistic.

You're not working for free -you're a volunteer.  No one is getting paid. I'm serious. How awful to stop helping people because of this situation.  I quit a volunteer job once  because I was pregnant, not revealing my condition yet and the school building maintenance person cleaned during my tutoring time - with harsh chemicals that made me feel sick. 

Edited to add yes I have quit/stopped for personal reasons.  I can think of two.  First was when it was "mandatory" volunteering at my son's religious school and I showed up at great inconvenience to me to perform a 2 hour task where I was promised instructions that were completely deficient.  The organizer responded tersely and unhelpfully to my text. Luckily someone else showed me so I was able to partially complete.  I decided I wouldn't sign up again for that volunteer work as in all my years I'd never been treated so rudely by an organizer.  Another time I traveled all the way to my son's school to volunteer- by public transportation - only to find out I was not needed and no one bothered to call me to tell me. 

So yes if the organizer is a "bad boss" just as in a work situation that's fine.  But if she simply is flaky as to coffee IMO it's not fair to take it out on those who need you.  And don't volunteer if you see it as "working for free."  Don't work for free at a paid job for sure but if you're not into helping that particular population don't bother.

I've been volunteering on and off for many decades and I only quit etc in a situation like that. 

[TheLambOfDeth]

Welp I sent a follow-up to confirm the time and place yesterday, and either she blocked me or is just ignoring me bc the message is still on delivered...not even read and it's been more than 24 hours. I give up. I cant even get a woman to accept coffee with me...a woman I've already met before...lol. I don't even get friend zoned, I just get ignored and dismissed...

[Batya33]

It’s Memorial Day. If you’re in the US so she might be away 

[Kwothe28]

3 hours ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

I cant even get a woman to accept coffee with me...a woman I've already met before...lol. I don't even get friend zoned, I just get ignored and dismissed...

Eh, cheer up, at least you are not dude from this meme lol

Maybe she answers maybe she dont. Anyway, you did get out of your comfort zone and actually ask her out. If she doesnt answer some other woman will. Its just a cycle of life, not even people who are generally successful with women get all the dates. Dont get dissapointed about it. Yeah, yeah, you are all doom and gloom I know. Just saying its really not that catastrophic as it appears to be.

[TheLambOfDeth]

41 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

It’s Memorial Day. If you’re in the US so she might be away 

Memorial day or not, no woman is away from her phone for over 24 hours. Yeah she's probably busy with teaching and the gallery...but I've been volunteering there for a while...it's just courtesy 

[TheLambOfDeth]

She did finally reply...

[MrMan1983]

2 hours ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

She did finally reply...

What was the outcome?

Also pft the number of times I've been ghosted in the past, in fact very recently with someone I had two great dates with (or so I thought), got to the point of organising the third date which she had been enthusiastic about prior, then full on ghosted me instead of just saying she had met someone else or was no longer feeling it. Dismissed just like that without even a reply. People are weird sometimes, have to try and brush it off and move forward as let's face it what are the other options (if she had of ghosted)?

Plus fair play to you for going for it, that in itself is progress putting yourself out there and well done on the volunteering too. 

[TheLambOfDeth]

28 minutes ago, MrMan1983 said:

What was the outcome?

Also pft the number of times I've been ghosted in the past, in fact very recently with someone I had two great dates with (or so I thought), got to the point of organising the third date which she had been enthusiastic about prior, then full on ghosted me instead of just saying she had met someone else or was no longer feeling it. Dismissed just like that without even a reply. People are weird sometimes, have to try and brush it off and move forward as let's face it what are the other options (if she had of ghosted)?

Plus fair play to you for going for it, that in itself is progress putting yourself out there and well done on the volunteering too. 

She confirmed to meet on Wednesday. 

The thing is, I wasn't even asking for a date. It was just casual drinks. That's my point...if she full on ghosted me, after meeting me several times, after just asking to catch up basically...that would just be rude af. But at least for now, the meet is set to happen.

And that sucks. Getting ghosted is always the worse bc it often leads to you wondering what you did wrong and you get no closure, but it feels like that's the culture we live in, so I know how hard it must be to keep at it. But at least you can get dates and opportunities. I cant remember the last date I had that did resort to be friend zoned before the date even ended.

My issue is, bc I'm too ugly to use OLD, and too anxious to approach women IRL and I don't have a ton of friends, I basically cannot even get dates. That's why I can't just brush it off, bc I know every instance I don't get, I'll have to wait like six months just to find a woman who will talk to me. In almost every case I can't even get past texting and I never even get to meet them. Hence the best I can hope for is for my volunteer manager to feel sorry for me and possibly accept casual drinks lols. Ghosting sucks, but it's even worse when you never have any options. That's why I always expect the worse and don't see the point in even trying in most cases.

And thanks.

[Whirling D]

OK… I likely have a lot of nerve even responding to your plight, given that I have said almost the exact same things that you have on here, and although I have had some lovely respondents, many of the same ones as you have, I have also faced a huge amount of critics, some of them even on the mean side, as have you.

OK, I got that out of the way.

you have an opportunity in front of you. It doesn’t matter whether she accepted the invite as a “friend“, or she is checking you out. It would be my guess that she’s checking you out, because if she wasn’t, there’s a good chance she would say, “thank you but no thank you“. 

Bring your “A“ game to the party. Take deep breaths on the way there… Say reaffirming things… “I am a nice fellow, and I will go and try to have a good time with somebody that might like me… I will try to be positive, and fun, and not put pressure on her to be or do anything…“

approach this lady with a smile on your face and a warm heart. You have that within you. It’s written in your words. If you can accomplish these things, your goal would be, yes, to become friends with this lady, but also to move things along to a second get together. Whether it’s a date or not, who knows.

One step at a time. Baby steps. 

[rainbowsandroses]

@TheLambOfDeth just wanted to say good for you for taking the risk.  It's not easy, for anyone!  Even the so-called 'players' and those with tons of options.  I speak from experience.  We all or most of us if we're honest with ourselves feel anxious when we're crushing on someone and they're not as forthcoming as we would like and leave us hanging for a bit.  This is a very normal human reaction and ten times worse for people like you (and me at certain points in my life) who suffer from social anxiety, feelings of worthlessness, low self-esteem.

It's important to feel validated, no matter how dysfunctional one's behavior, responses and reactions are perceived by others. 

So that's what I'm doing, first and foremost, validating you.  These are your feelings and your  emotions and you're entitled to them and to feel however you feel.  Please don't allow anyone to tell you otherwise

What's important is how you choose to react to your own feelings of worthlessness and low self esteem. 

What has always worked for me and others I know is the "act as if" approach.  

Meaning, you feel low and unworthy but act "as if" you're on top of the world!  Act confident even when not feeling it.  Soon you will begin to feel as confident as you're pretending to be, it will no longer be an act when you experience the positive responses you receive because of it.  

I hear people say to not take things so personally but heck how can you not?  Again, this is a normal human reaction, you're not being "too sensitive" when you feel badly for being ignored or worse ghosted.

With this girl, I hope the coffee meet works out and she shows.  If not, again good for you for taking the risk. You should feel proud for that because believe me, many people wouldn't bother, they're too scared to take the risk. .

Fear is running rampant in today's dating environment with all these apps, grass is greener syndrome and the like.  

You're not alone my friend,  everyone experiences these types of negative feelings from time to time, or again most who are socially aware and in touch with human emotions and the real world.

Let us know what happens, fingers crossed she shows and yall have an enjoyable meet. 

Good luck! 🙂

 

 

 

 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

Getting ghosted is always the worse bc it often leads to you wondering what you did wrong and you get no closure,

My closure was -if he didn't ask me for another date when we were on the date or respond enthusiastically to my suggestion for a date there was no next date.  He was then off my radar -full stop, closure.  If in the future he asked me out and I was still interested and available I'd go. I didn't need "reasons" after just a few dates nor did I need "you're SO amazing but I'm not ready for a relationship right now."

This is how it worked for me from 1980-2005. I don't see it as cultural.   I feel ghosted if a good friend suddenly stops being in touch with me for no reason.  

[tattoobunnie]

3 hours ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

She confirmed to meet on Wednesday. 

See!!!!!  Be Chill!!!!

 

3 hours ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

That's why I always expect the worse and don't see the point in even trying in most cases.

Stay positive even if you have to fake it.  Always treat it like getting to know a person, and not this is your last ever chance for happiness.

What are you gonna wear?  Where you going?

[TheLambOfDeth]

3 hours ago, Whirling D said:

OK… I likely have a lot of nerve even responding to your plight, given that I have said almost the exact same things that you have on here, and although I have had some lovely respondents, many of the same ones as you have, I have also faced a huge amount of critics, some of them even on the mean side, as have you.

I appreciate the disclaimer, as it means you likely understand where I'm coming from more than most.

Quote

you have an opportunity in front of you. It doesn’t matter whether she accepted the invite as a “friend“, or she is checking you out. It would be my guess that she’s checking you out, because if she wasn’t, there’s a good chance she would say, “thank you but no thank you“. 

Bring your “A“ game to the party. Take deep breaths on the way there… Say reaffirming things… “I am a nice fellow, and I will go and try to have a good time with somebody that might like me… I will try to be positive, and fun, and not put pressure on her to be or do anything…“

approach this lady with a smile on your face and a warm heart. You have that within you. It’s written in your words. If you can accomplish these things, your goal would be, yes, to become friends with this lady, but also to move things along to a second get together. Whether it’s a date or not, who knows.

One step at a time. Baby steps. 

I mean...I'm not going to put any pressure on the interaction. (if it happens) I'll treat it as a nice, friendly gesture and try to be social and somewhat interesting. Honestly, my intention for this was just to make amends for leaving the last event early. Anything beyond that is house money. 

But no, I won't sabotage it by going in with some terribly negative, defeatist attitude, or expecting her to validate my existence with adoration, either...it's just drinks.