Was she just being nice or...

[Big Stan]

1 minute ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

Welp, I just asked her to coffee..simple. She read the message almost instantly, and no reply. It's been almost an hour. I knew...this is why I have the mindset I do lol.

Were you even listening?  No one told you to ask her out. We said try more next time in social situations. No wonder you’re having trouble. You don’t listen. 

[TheLambOfDeth]

I didnt ask her out, I just asked to get coffee...and didn't  even get a response. Even someone who was nice to me won't even accept a basic request for a beverage. This is why I don't ever see any point in talking to people or trying, bc I'll ever only get ghosted at best.

[tattoobunnie]

1 hour ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

I just asked her to coffee..simple. 

How'd you do it? Just like, "wanna grab coffee?" Or like, "you'd be so awesome. I'd love to grab a coffee together sometime soon? Do you have some time this weekend"

[TheLambOfDeth]

8 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

How'd you do it? Just like, "wanna grab coffee?" Or like, "you'd be so awesome. I'd love to grab a coffee together sometime soon? Do you have some time this weekend"

I said "hey, and asked if she wanted to grab coffee if she was free sometime soon, as there were still some places I needed to check out on the list of places she gave me a while back". I sent it just over two hours ago...she read it, and didn't say a word...

[tattoobunnie]

Just now, TheLambOfDeth said:

I said "hey, and asked if she wanted to grab coffee if she was free sometime soon, as there were still some places I needed to check out on the list of places she gave me a while back". I sent it just over two hours ago...she read it, and didn't say a word...

Hmmm...that sounds like wanna grab coffee now, not like let's plan something, but she's at work.  I would quite honestly, follow up tomorrow.  Because unless you know her texting style, she may just be in a meeting or driving, or anything really.  

It's Memorial Day Weekend this weekend by me (not sure where you are), so I am currently busting my butt (nevermind eating lunch will on here), so I don't have to work at all this weekend.

Follow up with hey, "what are you up to this weekend?"

[TheLambOfDeth]

Just now, tattoobunnie said:

Hmmm...that sounds like wanna grab coffee now, not like let's plan something, but she's at work.  I would quite honestly, follow up tomorrow.  Because unless you know her texting style, she may just be in a meeting or driving, or anything really.  

It's Memorial Day Weekend this weekend by me (not sure where you are), so I am currently busting my butt (nevermind eating lunch will on here), so I don't have to work at all this weekend.

Follow up with hey, "what are you up to this weekend?"

I said "are you free sometime soon", not sometime today. The text was as non plussed as possible. And lolno I'm not texting her tomorrow or ever again if she doesn't respond. I'd look beyond desperate. She wasn't too busy to read my text, she can't be too busy to respond. If she was marginally interested, she would've said something by now.

[tattoobunnie]

2 minutes ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

I said "are you free sometime soon", not sometime today. The text was as non plussed as possible. And lolno I'm not texting her tomorrow or ever again if she doesn't respond. I'd look beyond desperate. She wasn't too busy to read my text, she can't be too busy to respond. If she was marginally interested, she would've said something by now.

BUUTTTT...this is how I read it, and I doubt I'm the only one.  Your text sounded businessy...that's fine.  It happens when you are trying to keep your stuff together.  Trust me.  Take a deep breath.  Follow up tomorrow with, "so, you doing anything fun for the holiday?"  YOU WILL NOT LOOK DESPERATE (that's in your head).  Your text was DRYYYY.  Don't text about the coffee tomorrow.  Just text like you want to get to know her personally.

You know when my hubs calls that I love so much...when he calls me at work, I sound like a robot, and barely say goodbye.  Work mode.  Can't chat him up at work in front of my staff.  Same goes for texting.

[TheLambOfDeth]

Just now, tattoobunnie said:

BUUTTTT...this is how I read it, and I doubt I'm the only one.  Your text sounded businessy...that's fine.  It happens when you are trying to keep your stuff together.  Trust me.  Take a deep breath.  Follow up tomorrow with, "so, you doing anything fun for the holiday?"

I texted her Friday, the day after I left the event early to explain why I bailed: no response from her.

I texted today (Wednesday) inviting her to grab coffee at her leisure: no response from her. not even a "im busy". No one is that busy 

There is no way I'm texting again, let alone the next day. I'd look pathetic. Again, no one is that busy. If someone she was interested in texted her, she'd reply, bc when someone you want to see contacts you, you reply. 

 

[TheLambOfDeth]

5 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

YOU WILL NOT LOOK DESPERATE (that's in your head).  Your text was DRYYYY.  Don't text about the coffee tomorrow.  Just text like you want to get to know her personally.

You know when my hubs calls that I love so much...when he calls me at work, I sound like a robot, and barely say goodbye.  Work mode.  Can't chat him up at work in front of my staff.  Same goes for texting.

You looking at this from the wrong angle. This isn't analogous to how you interact with your husband. The dynamic is similar to someone you met from work. If they text your three times in a week in a span when you didn't respond once, it's going to look desperate to most women. Even if they kinda like the guy. It's pushy and seems insecure to keep texting someone not responding. I can take a hint, let alone 2...

[tattoobunnie]

9 minutes ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

You looking at this from the wrong angle. This isn't analogous to how you interact with your husband. The dynamic is similar to someone you met from work. If they text your three times in a week in a span when you didn't respond once, it's going to look desperate to most women. Even if they kinda like the guy. It's pushy and seems insecure to keep texting someone not responding. I can take a hint, let alone 2...

Honey, did you text her 3x?  Or did you assume because you texted once, she should just drop everything to respond to your proposal to get coffee while you run errands?

You need to chill out.  Go for a run, walk, get a haircut, hit the gym, do some drawing.  CHILL.  

Learning to manage expectations is a tool you need to practice.  I know that sounds so dismissive, but it's what my son works on with his therapist to work on his anxiety.

[TheLambOfDeth]

7 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

Honey, did you text her 3x?  Or did you assume because you texted once, she should just drop everything to respond to your proposal to get coffee while you run errands?

You need to chill out.  Go for a run, walk, get a haircut, hit the gym, do some drawing.  CHILL.

I texted her twice...the one friday was basically an apology and the other was an invite. It's just polite to say...something. Again, especially if you read them. It's not about expecting anyone to drop anything, I understand people have lives, I'm just saying, from my perspective, it can only be interpreted as disinterest and pretty rude from someone who seemed so nice at first.

[tattoobunnie]

Oh...I didn't realize you texted her an apology text...Why did you though? You didn't do anything wrong.  She was working an event.  And you didn't chat her up that day.  Oh...yeah, I think you need to learn to not apologize for that. You got overwhelmed and didn't talk. It does not mean you did something wrong.

But it's odd to apologize in one text. Then follow up with let's get coffee.  Lesson learned.  Just chill back from her on out with this one, and see what happens.  In the meantime, get back to mingling.

[TheLambOfDeth]

10 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

Oh...I didn't realize you texted her an apology text...Why did you though? You didn't do anything wrong.

I didn't really apologize, I just explained why I left early again. That was the text I sent Friday. But....no response. But I sent that text bc I specially said I wouldn't bail this time and I would stay for the after party, and I went back on my word so I wanted to say something.

And that's the point, I don't "mingle". The only place I really tried to be social was events at her venue, now I can't go there so...back to nothing lol.

[TheLambOfDeth]

Ok she replied and said she'd love to....so.....maybe I overeacted a bit I guess

[Kwothe28]

22 minutes ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

Ok she replied and said she'd love to....so.....maybe I overeacted a bit I guess

Oh noes, what would your doomer mentality do now? See how it pays out to put yourself out there a bit?

Even if she said "No" was it the worst thing that ever happened? You put yourself out there instead of "dooming and glooming". That is what you are suppose to do. And at the end it did produced some results.

[TheLambOfDeth]

19 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Oh noes, what would your doomer mentality do now? See how it pays out to put yourself out there a bit?

Even if she said "No" was it the worst thing that ever happened? You put yourself out there instead of "dooming and glooming". That is what you are suppose to do. And at the end it did produced some results.

I mean...it's still just coffee or a drink. Its not like she accepted a invite to dinner.She's still just being really nice. Clearly this will lead to her just being my friend, and at least that might to a bigger social circle.

But it's just coffee, people go out for coffee with people they don't even like all the time. And it's totally different asking some stranger you just met who has no reason o be nice to you.

[Kwothe28]

21 minutes ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

I mean...it's still just coffee or a drink. Its not like she accepted a invite to dinner.She's still just being really nice. Clearly this will lead to her just being my friend, and at least that might to a bigger social circle.

But it's just coffee, people go out for coffee with people they don't even like all the time. And it's totally different asking some stranger you just met who has no reason o be nice to you.

I can assure you that most people dont really go out 1on1 with people they dont like. Especially if they are of opposite gender. Nobody is that nice. If she didnt want to go out with you she would either said "No" or just invented some reason she cant right now. That woman does like you.

Its true, you would never know where it would went. Maybe its just friendship, maybe its romantic and it will go somewhere or nowhere. But you got your chance with that woman. So, try to make something there.

[lostandhurt]

1 hour ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

But it's just coffee, people go out for coffee with people they don't even like all the time. And it's totally different asking some stranger you just met who has no reason o be nice to you.

This is exactly the mindset you need so you don't make it into some do or die situation which seems to be your ongoing theme.  Keep it simple, keep it light and have fun.  It is just coffee.

  Now you need to nail down a day and time. Clearly you are not good at this stuff so are you open to suggestions on how to get the deal done with this woman?  I mean will you listen to people that are successful with these things and not argue?

  Please stop deciding what her interest level in you is, that is totally up to her. Could it just turn into a friendship?  Yes but it could turn into more but none of us know what that will be until you actually live it.  Frankly the way she made a point to talk to you and continue to talk to you after you bailed twice I am leaning towards she likes likes you. 

Are you willing to take and use the advice you are given.  Remember what you usually do does not work so well so why not listen to some well meaning people that really want you to succeed.

 Lost

[TheLambOfDeth]

17 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

This is exactly the mindset you need so you don't make it into some do or die situation which seems to be your ongoing theme.  Keep it simple, keep it light and have fun.  It is just coffee.

  Now you need to nail down a day and time. Clearly you are not good at this stuff so are you open to suggestions on how to get the deal done with this woman?  I mean will you listen to people that are successful with these things and not argue?

  Please stop deciding what her interest level in you is, that is totally up to her. Could it just turn into a friendship?  Yes but it could turn into more but none of us know what that will be until you actually live it.  Frankly the way she made a point to talk to you and continue to talk to you after you bailed twice I am leaning towards she likes likes you. 

Are you willing to take and use the advice you are given.  Remember what you usually do does not work so well so why not listen to some well meaning people that really want you to succeed.

 Lost

She said sometime next week would be great, and that to let her know what works for me. I asked her to coffee or a drink l so I haven't decided on that either, yes...I sux at making decisions, so I'm open to suggestions...

 

The reason I think she's being nice is bc she really has no reason to like me. I'm just a weird anxious guy that volunteers at her venue. I'm just looking at it logically.

[lostandhurt]

Like I said you need to stop deciding for her, let her choose. I know a guy that is in pretty darn good shape that is attracted to big women and I also know some rather odd couples but it works for them and that is all that matters.

 I will let some of the women on her chime in but if they were asked to coffee or a drink from a new acquaintance they would probably think it was for more than friendship.

 Okay how to handle this. Wait till Friday some time in the afternoon and text her that you have time in the eyeing for a drink on these two days next week (pick 2 days you will not be rushed and are not super busy) then offer one day to meet for coffee right after work.  If she chooses the drink that is telling but if she chooses the coffee you still have a really nice woman sitting with you getting to know you.  The most important thing is to know where you want to meet her.  Make it convenient for her and somewhere that isn't noisy.  For the drink if you choose a restaurant that has a bar and things are going well and the conversation is thriving you could suggest moving over to a table and ordering.

 Keep it simple and don't use words like "I hope" "I was wondering" "Maybe"  Set the tone by knowing where and when so when she says "Tuesday works for me, where do you want to meet?"  Please do not answer "I don't know, what do you think?"

  I am sure others will have ideas for you as well.  Check your schedule and start thinking of places you can meet her.

 Lost

[TheLambOfDeth]

9 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

Like I said you need to stop deciding for her, let her choose. I know a guy that is in pretty darn good shape that is attracted to big women and I also know some rather odd couples but it works for them and that is all that matters.

 I will let some of the women on her chime in but if they were asked to coffee or a drink from a new acquaintance they would probably think it was for more than friendship.

 

It's not that I'm grotesquely ugly or anything. I'm tall, and in shape and I dress really well and I'm pretty metro with grooming and fragrances and stuff. It's just that she has her own exhibits and stuff and basically runs her venue...there's just no reason to be interested an in anxious guy who she already knows doesn't have tons of friends...

I think you're the only person chiming in on this point lol, but I didn't ask for a drink/coffee in a date way...it was very nonplussed. Like there's a way you ask someone "out"...with proper implication. This is clearly just a friendly thing.

 

Quote

Okay how to handle this. Wait till Friday some time in the afternoon and text her that you have time in the eyeing for a drink on these two days next week (pick 2 days you will not be rushed and are not super busy) then offer one day to meet for coffee right after work.  If she chooses the drink that is telling but if she chooses the coffee you still have a really nice woman sitting with you getting to know you.  The most important thing is to know where you want to meet her.  Make it convenient for her and somewhere that isn't noisy.  For the drink if you choose a restaurant that has a bar and things are going well and the conversation is thriving you could suggest moving over to a table and ordering.

 Keep it simple and don't use words like "I hope" "I was wondering" "Maybe"  Set the tone by knowing where and when so when she says "Tuesday works for me, where do you want to meet?"  Please do not answer "I don't know, what do you think?"

  I am sure others will have ideas for you as well.  Check your schedule and start thinking of places you can meet her.

 Lost

I'll probably just assume she just wants coffee and go from there, but the rest seems like good advice and I'll try to keep it in mind. Ill reply on Friday with a couple of days I'm available, and I'll choose the venue. I think not using non-committal, assumptive terms like "maybe", "I hope", "I was wondering" etc, is more important in an actual date, and relationship instances, though,

[lostandhurt]

Would you like to date this woman romantically?  If yes then STOP discounting and dismissing the chance that she could be interested in a guy like you.

 If you want to date her then go into it with that in mind or you could be friendzoned because you took it off the table without even trying.

 This vibe you have is unattractive and is probably your biggest problem.  So what if she has her own venues, so what if she is well liked and has friends, so what that she seems to have it all together.  She is just a woman who eats and poops just like you,  makes mistakes just like you, is insecure about how she looks sometimes and has her own share of ups and downs in life.  Don't put her on a pedestal and don't put yourself under that pedestal like you are not worthy of her attention and possibly affection.  You don't know until you try.

 I noticed your username on here.  Very telling don't you think?  Do you see a therapist?  Do you have exercises to pump yourself up before you attempt something?  If not I highly recommend looking into it.

  Remember you offered coffee or a drink so make that as one of the options when you text her.

DON'T DECIDE FOR HER!!!

 Lost

[TheLambOfDeth]

9 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

Would you like to date this woman romantically?  If yes then STOP discounting and dismissing the chance that she could be interested in a guy like you.

 If you want to date her then go into it with that in mind or you could be friendzoned because you took it off the table without even trying.

It's just being realistic and not setting myself up to be disappointed. People usually know what their lane or league is, and I'm not going to just get delusional bc I have a crush on a woman. I'm the one that suffers in that instance once reality hits.

Quote

This vibe you have is unattractive and is probably your biggest problem.  So what if she has her own venues, so what if she is well liked and has friends, so what that she seems to have it all together.  She is just a woman who eats and poops just like you,  makes mistakes just like you, is insecure about how she looks sometimes and has her own share of ups and downs in life.  Don't put her on a pedestal and don't put yourself under that pedestal like you are not worthy of her attention and possibly affection.  You don't know until you try.

You don't understand. I'm not saying she or women are some magical, mystical perfect beings. Women are just human. Of course. BUT people with more going for them have higher stands, expectations, and looks threshold. That's just logic...that just how humans are. it has nothing to do with pedestals...people with more options go after and are interested in other high-value people. That's just life.

You hear all the type of people thinking someone is into them just someone is being nice to them, then they ultimately get upset and hurt bc they allowed themselves to think things they knew deep down weren't possible. This is why people are so hesitant to be nice to others, bc so many people just assume being kind is anything more than just that. In a case like this, if a woman like this was interested in me, she'd have to make it painstakingly obvious.

Quote

 I noticed your username on here.  Very telling don't you think?  Do you see a therapist?  Do you have exercises to pump yourself up before you attempt something?  If not I highly recommend looking into it.

  Remember you offered coffee or a drink so make that as one of the options when you text her.

DON'T DECIDE FOR HER!!!

 Lost

My username is just the combination of two of my favorite metal bands. That's all. No therapist and...I haven't thought of motivational exercises.

Dude I'm just going to assume she wants coffee, if she prefers a drink, she can say so lol.

[lostandhurt]

Lyle Lovett and Julia Roberts.  Kate Beckinsale and Pete Davidson.  Rick Okasik and Paulina Porizkova.

I am sure you know couples where one is more attractive than the other or is more successful.

It happens all the time.  Heck I have dated way way out of my league several times and I still have no idea why they dated me but they did.

  Give her a chance to like you for who you are before you throw a wrench in the whole thing.

Lost

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

Kate Beckinsale and Pete Davidson. 

Actually, the rumor is that guy just has a huge dong. There is simply no way he is pulling women who are not only way prettier but also way more successful then him otherwise. He literally looks like a rat lol