I don't know what to do

[H o p e]

3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Now you're assigning him personality traits and preferences without even knowing about him personally, his dating style or even if he's single!

You seem to be doing a LOT of ruminating and overthinking. You're taking all the fun out of it, frankly. You're going to be an anxious mess by the time coffee even happens. 

Hilarious answer, thank you, you got me laughing loud!
 

[Sindy_0311]

Hope, please, stop overthinking and just text him. You won’t loose anything. Just do it. You don’t whether he likes you, if he’s single, you don’t know anything about him outside of work. So stop assuming and reach out to him like a the big adult that you are! Please. 

[H o p e]

16 minutes ago, spinstermanquee said:

Hey Hope, please stop worrying about how it "looks, sounds, smells, feels" to HIM and start thinking about being in the moment, fully present, sincere, honest, with an open heart for YOU.  You are an awesome woman, you met a man you sparked with, keep your humor by your side and why not try Sindy's suggestion with a funny, flirty text?  At least then you can either open or close the story from there and stop wondering if you did too much, too little, too late.  Everyone deserves a second chance (and if you live in the US), the country was built on second chances!!!  Very few get it right the first time, but if you get it right the second time, the first time can't be called a failure 😉

 

Thanks for encouraging me, I might just do that, I think I can keep my humor 😉 and send him one last text, this time not serious, but witty. Tomorrow, I'm not in the US and here it's kind of late already. I think I will know what I have to know after that message. The reason I am afraid to send it is ... what if I will take away his need to pull way and then come back on his own terms and time, so basically I am afraid of losing a potential to get closer not only to this super attractive guy, but mainly to a great person I know he is, as I said, from mutual friends who have known him for years. I did the mistake of coming too strong several times in my life. And lately, I was the one iniciating the contact.

And you're so right about me totally focusing on him right now. It feels like running in circles. 😛
 

 

[boltnrun]

What if, what if, what if!!!!

What if you walk outside and an anvil or a piano falls on your head? What if the sky falls down?

Your anxiety is screaming. Tell it to shut up lol.

If this isn't fun then just forget it and go on with your life. 

[Sindy_0311]

Asking someone out is not coming off to strong…  if you are a woman of great value, you have your boundaries, you move in slow pace into relationships and dont give too much too soon, there’s no reason the guy would be turned off if not by lack of genuine interest from the start… so just shoot your damn shot haha 

[Batya33]

You’re not asking him out. He didn’t ask you out. He suggested meeting for coffee. I suggested how to send a simple direct text. Save your flirty funny stuff for when you see him. As appropriate. 

[catfeeder]

Can you come up with another opportunity to work with him again?

[H o p e]

11 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Can you come up with another opportunity to work with him again?

Frankly, not for a while, in fact, it could be a year from now. I don't want to get into details, but it was a special project. Seeking another opportunity would be suspicious. 1. He could understand it as me transfering from one-on-one-coffee-idea back to businees situation and team dynamic I don't want, I want to know who he is out of work. He also suggested coffeee with me only and not the whole team. So If I was him, I would understand this kind of transfer as going back to formal ways of communicating, not evolving on the personal side. 2. Since this was kind of 'limited edition' project, it would appear very strange in m team, I think some people, at least those who politely left the venue of our meeting in order for us to talk more, would figure it out. But then I would be putting personal interest above business, making an excuse, and I would find it wrong on so many levels. I also feel as if I would send him a message: okay, I wasn't going for that 1:1 coffee anyway and if he thought I was lacking inteerst, he would only confirm it: yeah, she wants us to get back to group setting. But in fact I do want to sit with him alone.
 

So the only way I can solve this is on personal level.

[H o p e]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

What if, what if, what if!!!!

What if you walk outside and an anvil or a piano falls on your head? What if the sky falls down?

Your anxiety is screaming. Tell it to shut up lol.

If this isn't fun then just forget it and go on with your life. 

You are making my anxiety sound like a Rammstein concert early in the morning, when in fact it's only a small mosquito, buzzing loudly where it can, for example right here. 🙂 As I already mentioned it, we all have some bad experiences, some cause a fear of rejection/fear of being hurt again. I am not denying that.

[Batya33]

31 minutes ago, H o p e said:

You are making my anxiety sound like a Rammstein concert early in the morning, when in fact it's only a small mosquito, buzzing loudly where it can, for example right here. 🙂 As I already mentioned it, we all have some bad experiences, some cause a fear of rejection/fear of being hurt again. I am not denying that.

But all he'd be doing is rejecting having coffee with you and nothing personal -he barely knows you and perhaps he has certain standards about when he expects a response to a suggestion to have coffee.  It's not about being triggered and feeling fear but what you choose to do about it.  

[H o p e]

20 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

But all he'd be doing is rejecting having coffee with you and nothing personal -he barely knows you and perhaps he has certain standards about when he expects a response to a suggestion to have coffee.  It's not about being triggered and feeling fear but what you choose to do about it.  

It's true, a need to decide and do something.

There is still a chance of him taking the time and eventually coming up with a plan, his statement We will find a time and 🙂 didn't come across as resentful, on the contrary, but of course many things can happen in 3 weeks. It could be he's texting someone else these day,it could be he's in a relationship with that woman (she is online these days, her profile is public, while he dissapeared a few days ago).

The more I think about it, the more I feel I shouldn't do anything since he has my number and nothing happens. He was patiently waiting for me to write to him, for example, not pressuring me, maybe I should just mirror that with no expectations. If he would have been asking what's up with that coffee, he would appear needy to me. So maybe there lies my anser.

Funny text is easy for me, I can come up with anything anytime. He might even confirm the coffee after that. Rejecting after suggesting we should go for a coffee would actually be weird. And yes, it would hurt. He is an exception to the rule, I haven't met a guy like him for quite some time ... Hence all the emotions, thoughts about what would it be like ... Sometimes knowing more about someone, even through projects or past business events or mutual friends is worse than not knowing anything. 🙂

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, H o p e said:

 a fear of rejection/fear of being hurt again. I am not denying that.

That's ok. Since you have a crush, why not contact him for a drink or coffee?  By not following up you may be trying to keep hopes and dreams alive, but without trying, you'll never know.

Sure he may ignore it or say no thanks, but at least you'll have your answers.

It's ok to be disappointed. It's better than climbing the walls with what could have been. 

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, H o p e said:

Rejecting after suggesting we should go for a coffee would actually be weird. And yes, it would hurt. He is an exception to the rule, I haven't met a guy like him for quite some time ... Hence all the emotions, thoughts about what would it be like ... Sometimes knowing more about someone, even through projects or past business events or mutual friends is worse than not knowing anything. 🙂

But again it wouldn't be weird if in the interim he met someone else.

[H o p e]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

But again it wouldn't be weird if in the interim he met someone else.

That's true. Maybe he is just on vacation.

An interesting detail, though. I already admitted I did some internet search and on social media, I found one of his old profile photos and under that photo, the usual: funny remarks by male friends, laughing about some inside jokes, overly ouvert compliments from some agressive ladies (with all due respect to all types of personalities, we know that can be pretty amusing) ... And among those comments was a funny one from a pretty woman who sort of asked him at the time ... something like: So, I thought you were around, where are you? It's an old picture, and old comment, but his reply was laughter. He is used to getting a lot of admiration from community, especially women. 🙂

[Batya33]

Just now, H o p e said:

That's true. Maybe he is just on vacation.

An interesting detail, though. I already admitted I did some internet search and on social media, I found one of his old profile photos and under that photo, the usual: funny remarks by male friends, laughing about some inside jokes, overly ouvert compliments from some agressive ladies (with all due respect to all types of personalities, we know that can be pretty amusing) ... And among those comments was a funny one from a pretty woman who sort of asked him at the time ... something like: So, I thought you were around, where are you? It's an old picture, and old comment, but his reply was laughter. He is used to getting a lot of admiration from community, especially women. 🙂

Yes you're analyzing his social media -remind yourself not to draw conclusions like that.  You don't know him.  That's the truth.  Do you want him to assume from your actions that you're not interested in having coffee with him?

[H o p e]

12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's ok. Since you have a crush, why not contact him for a drink or coffee?  By not following up you may be trying to keep hopes and dreams alive, but without trying, you'll never know.

Sure he may ignore it or say no thanks, but at least you'll have your answers.

It's ok to be disappointed. It's better than climbing the walls with what could have been. 

You're right. Maybe I am just not ready to face I messed things up and would rather prolong the hopes and dreams.

[H o p e]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Yes you're analyzing his social media -remind yourself not to draw conclusions like that.  You don't know him.  That's the truth.  Do you want him to assume from your actions that you're not interested in having coffee with him?

Great reflection I needed, thank you. Of course I wouldn't want that.

[Sindy_0311]

38 minutes ago, H o p e said:

That's true. Maybe he is just on vacation.

An interesting detail, though. I already admitted I did some internet search and on social media, I found one of his old profile photos and under that photo, the usual: funny remarks by male friends, laughing about some inside jokes, overly ouvert compliments from some agressive ladies (with all due respect to all types of personalities, we know that can be pretty amusing) ... And among those comments was a funny one from a pretty woman who sort of asked him at the time ... something like: So, I thought you were around, where are you? It's an old picture, and old comment, but his reply was laughter. He is used to getting a lot of admiration from community, especially women. 🙂

The more i read yours feeds, the more it reminds of my bestie. She’s overweight and has lack of self confidence because of it. Every day she asks me whether she should text her crush, what to say, what he thinks, she stalks his social media trying to find some evidence of anything… She is as anxious as you are… maybe the best approach to your situation is trying to heal from your past traumas and rejections… you already put this guy on a pedestal without knowing him and maybe even think he is to good for you. How will you handle a first face to face meet or even a relationship if you aren’t able to just make another move? Relationships in the beginning are difficult to handle these days… guys don’t commit easily. Maybe you will have to face some days of silence from his part, maybe he won’t be able to reassure you or tell you what you need to hear… are you ready to handle this? I think you might be to afraid to be hurt or rejected for the moment…

You are to controlling, which is also a symptom of unhealthy anxiety. I guess your guy is just living his life, without even thinking about that coffee anymore. If you reach out to him, he will be flattered and agree, or not… no big deal. 

[Tinydance]

Look, I'm not saying that it's not possible to like this guy, think he's attractive and have a crush on him. I know you're just writing on an anonymous forum so you're being very honest. But you actually sound a bit too full-on.

There's nothing wrong with being attracted to someone but you said you fell in love with this guy. I'm sorry if I sound jaded... I think as a 40 + years old person it seems a bit teenagey to say you actually fell in love with someone you met only briefly and spoke only a little bit. And you've never actually caught up alone at all, for a date or otherwise. So you don't really know him much and to love someone you at least need to know them for a longer time so that you know who they are.

I didn't really see a lot in his messages that showed specific romantic interest. Some of the messages were actually initiated by you and afterwards he actually didn't continue the conversation. You said: "Happy Birthday" and he just said something like: "Oh thanks 🤩". If he was into you, surely he'd continue a longer conversation and say: "So how are you? How was XYZ, etc."

He actually didn't try to keep the conversation going at all. He just said thank you for wishing him a Happy Birthday. And it wasn't like: "Oh thank you ❤" or 😍😘 The star struck emoji isn't actually considered a romantic or flirtatious emoji.

Then after two weeks you said you should go for a coffee but he actually never followed up at all after that day arrived. If he was interested he would follow up and actually go for the coffee. I'm not sure if he was actually romantically interested when he suggested the coffee or maybe he just made an offhand comment. Sometimes for some reason people say something but they don't really mean it.

I remember my best friend telling me she went on a date with a guy she liked and he said: "Next time we should go indoor rock climbing" and my best friend was like, yeah, sounds great! Then she texted him after the date and the guy never replied and she never heard from him again. And I remember a guy I went on a date with was like: "Nice to meet you, I'll give you a call." But he never contacted me ever again. 

[Tinydance]

4 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Asking someone out is not coming off to strong…  if you are a woman of great value, you have your boundaries, you move in slow pace into relationships and dont give too much too soon, there’s no reason the guy would be turned off if not by lack of genuine interest from the start… so just shoot your damn shot haha 

But thing is she actually already did ask him out. She messaged him and said: "Let's have a coffee next week on X day". She actually asked him for coffee on a specific day and time and she said: "We will hear from each other". The day passed and she heard nothing from him at all. So even though he didn't say: "No I'm not interested" but he's showing certain actions which actually don't portray interest. They actually basically planned the coffee but he seemed to have just forgotten. How do you forget if you like that person and want to see them?

[LootieTootie]

Well, at this point you really have nothing to lose. Send a flirty text and see what happens. 

However, if he's a really good-looking, successful self-made bachelor who doesn't have a problem touching a woman's hand in their first meeting, I expect this guy to be one of those guys who are just charming, flirty and yes, be attracted to you but not that in to you. 

And that could hinge on him not wanting to mix business with pleasure, nothing with you personally. 

 

 

[MissCanuck]

10 hours ago, H o p e said:

I did tell him right away I would love to go for a coffe. And when he asked me to tell him when I want it, I said I would.

Yes., I know. And then you waited more than 2 weeks to tell him when. 

Too late. 

[H o p e]

8 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

The more i read yours feeds, the more it reminds of my bestie. She’s overweight and has lack of self confidence because of it. Every day she asks me whether she should text her crush, what to say, what he thinks, she stalks his social media trying to find some evidence of anything… She is as anxious as you are… maybe the best approach to your situation is trying to heal from your past traumas and rejections… you already put this guy on a pedestal without knowing him and maybe even think he is to good for you. How will you handle a first face to face meet or even a relationship if you aren’t able to just make another move? Relationships in the beginning are difficult to handle these days… guys don’t commit easily. Maybe you will have to face some days of silence from his part, maybe he won’t be able to reassure you or tell you what you need to hear… are you ready to handle this? I think you might be to afraid to be hurt or rejected for the moment…

You are to controlling, which is also a symptom of unhealthy anxiety. I guess your guy is just living his life, without even thinking about that coffee anymore. If you reach out to him, he will be flattered and agree, or not… no big deal. 

I might have put him on a pedestal, but only based on what I know of him through mutual acquaintances. Before contacting him, i received a recommendation: He's great! Other than stories I've heard, I don't know much about him and am very well aware of that.

I am pretty controlling, yes, in my youth I was a sportswoman which defined part of who I am and how I think and react, and even nowadays control is a very necessary trait in my position - field of work. Where sometimes, in the midst of all creative chaos, pressure coming from clients etc., we need almost armylike discipline! Since I am very much involved in my work, it defines me, I guess. I walk and think fast. But in private life, I am a warm, very relaxed, down-to-earth person. Who sometimes makes slow moves. 🙂

The reason behind my overthinking is I had a similar situaition once in the past, but I was lead on. There was this person that was coming on very strong in the beginning, but eventually ghosted, appeared and reappeared, and he was a coworker, not a business partner from outside the firm. He was a part of the firm I was in. I wasted too much time on him that he never deserved. Sometimes I still see him, work-related, and it's never pleasant, but not beacause of the quality of his work, it's purely because of my loss of respect for him!

And now, with this guy who invited me for coffee, as if I'm trying to protect myself from the disappointment - high expectations other people created and I am trapped in them, like in a myth. People telling me how great he is created big part of those expectations, not myself, and that's a huge difference. And yes, I created them too, I am an optimist, I want to find out he really is a pleasant person and at the same time man of integrity. So basically, as if I'm avoidant not to spoil the image I have, waiting for him to follow through. In the end, it's the simple things that define communication. Such as showing up or not ...

[H o p e]

8 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Look, I'm not saying that it's not possible to like this guy, think he's attractive and have a crush on him. I know you're just writing on an anonymous forum so you're being very honest. But you actually sound a bit too full-on.

There's nothing wrong with being attracted to someone but you said you fell in love with this guy. I'm sorry if I sound jaded... I think as a 40 + years old person it seems a bit teenagey to say you actually fell in love with someone you met only briefly and spoke only a little bit. And you've never actually caught up alone at all, for a date or otherwise. So you don't really know him much and to love someone you at least need to know them for a longer time so that you know who they are.

I didn't really see a lot in his messages that showed specific romantic interest. Some of the messages were actually initiated by you and afterwards he actually didn't continue the conversation. You said: "Happy Birthday" and he just said something like: "Oh thanks 🤩". If he was into you, surely he'd continue a longer conversation and say: "So how are you? How was XYZ, etc."

He actually didn't try to keep the conversation going at all. He just said thank you for wishing him a Happy Birthday. And it wasn't like: "Oh thank you ❤" or 😍😘 The star struck emoji isn't actually considered a romantic or flirtatious emoji.

Then after two weeks you said you should go for a coffee but he actually never followed up at all after that day arrived. If he was interested he would follow up and actually go for the coffee. I'm not sure if he was actually romantically interested when he suggested the coffee or maybe he just made an offhand comment. Sometimes for some reason people say something but they don't really mean it.

I remember my best friend telling me she went on a date with a guy she liked and he said: "Next time we should go indoor rock climbing" and my best friend was like, yeah, sounds great! Then she texted him after the date and the guy never replied and she never heard from him again. And I remember a guy I went on a date with was like: "Nice to meet you, I'll give you a call." But he never contacted me ever again. 

The phrase falling in love ... I sometimes use it even when I see a great purse and simply have to buy it. My friend makes fun of me and says: Oh, darling, you bought another one! You are a collector! 🙂 And I laugh back to her and say to hear: I had to, I completely fell in love with it, you know!
 

What I'm trying to say is that I am not actually in love with with a guy, maybe the choice of words wasn't the best, but given any other situation (such as buying purse) we don't see those words as too heavy and. I believe I also used the term crush in my original post, because that's what it actually is and feels like, it is a crush. To be honest, I love the thrill of expectation, and it actually feels good, to have a crush on someone, those buttefrlies are quite youthening. Maybe it shows in my choice of words. 

The type of emoticon doesn't define anything for me. I'm glad he didnpt use romantic ones, it would feel like fasttracking. 🙂 My point is he was spontaneous and I liked it.

Considering how much time has passed since his last text, I totally agree with your saying:

Then after two weeks you said you should go for a coffee but he actually never followed up at all after that day arrived. If he was interested he would follow up and actually go for the coffee. I'm not sure if he was actually romantically interested when he suggested the coffee or maybe he just made an offhand comment. Sometimes for some reason people say something but they don't really mean it.

[H o p e]

8 hours ago, Tinydance said:

But thing is she actually already did ask him out. She messaged him and said: "Let's have a coffee next week on X day". She actually asked him for coffee on a specific day and time and she said: "We will hear from each other". The day passed and she heard nothing from him at all. So even though he didn't say: "No I'm not interested" but he's showing certain actions which actually don't portray interest. They actually basically planned the coffee but he seemed to have just forgotten. How do you forget if you like that person and want to see them?

Maybe he just sensed I was more interested than he is and intentionally 'forgot' about it to cool me down, so easily and without any action (she'll figure it out).