I don't know what to do

[Sindy_0311]

1 minute ago, H o p e said:

Or should I just call him?
I am afraid that further texts will only add to miscommuniaction and confusion? Its'much easier to avoid it when talking. Well, frankly, I don't know if I have the courage to do that ... Cause if he is not interested, he might just not pick up the phone, be it a call or a text. OR this is the problem the whole time, maybe he is really just being polite, not doing anything.

I wouldn’t call him… 

But if you haven’t the courage to be bold over text, can’t you find a pretext to reach out to him? Like a work related thing. Or can’t you just bump into him somewhere?  

[H o p e]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

It seems like the coffee was a part of networking to thank you for the project. You've tried to follow up but, unfortunately he hadn't contacted you.

There's no need to give up or not, because he has your contact info so could easily follow up.

That sound very logical, yes. He has my number and is not reaching out.

Could it be he thought I should confirm the date and get back to him prior to that, which would mean we are both waiting for the other one to make a move?

Could it be him pulling away and testing me, some guys do that?

[H o p e]

2 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I wouldn’t call him… 

But if you haven’t the courage to be bold over text, can’t you find a pretext to reach out to him? Like a work related thing. Or can’t you just bump into him somewhere?  

I only know we live in different areas, so bumping into him would mean I'd have to explore where he lives. I don't want to do that. Altough I am guilty of some internet stalking through mutual friends, I don't know his whereabouts. 🙈 The project we did is finished, so I have no pretext.
 

[Cherylyn]

Readjust.  Follow his cue.  Back off.  Go back to remaining professional and well mannered without getting chummy and close.  Refrain from overly friendly texts.  When you see him in person,  be kind but don't be over zealous.  Have a good working relationship and leave it at that.  Be nice but not too nice. 

[H o p e]

Just now, Cherylyn said:

Readjust.  Follow his cue.  Back off.  Go back to remaining professional and well mannered without getting chummy and close.  Refrain from overly friendly texts.  When you see him in person,  be kind but don't be over zealous.  Have a good working relationship and leave it at that.  Be nice but not too nice. 

I don't think we will meet again that soon through work, we have a lot of clients and it's not only up to me to hire someone. It could be a year from now. And there is a possibility of not seeing him again. This is why I feel I really have to fix this quickly, without being pathethic or overzealous. I

[Cherylyn]

2 minutes ago, H o p e said:

I don't think we will meet again that soon through work, we have a lot of clients and it's not only up to me to hire someone. It could be a year from now. And there is a possibility of not seeing him again. This is why I feel I really have to fix this quickly, without being pathethic or overzealous. I

There is nothing to fix.  Don't do anything because it's unnecessary.  Follow his lead.  Since he's not doing anything and most likely has since moved on,  do likewise.  Err on the side of caution with him and same with social media.  Play it safe.  Keep it professional should your paths cross and carry on. 

[H o p e]

1 minute ago, Cherylyn said:

There is nothing to fix.  Don't do anything because it's unnecessary.  Follow his lead.  Since he's not doing anything and most likely has since moved on,  do likewise.  Err on the side of caution with him and same with social media.  Play it safe.  Keep it professional should your paths cross and carry on. 

Do you think there is a chance he was just playing me?
Cause I didn't get that impression. What I did sense in person is that he is reading people very well.

[Cherylyn]

18 minutes ago, H o p e said:

Do you think there is a chance he was just playing me?
Cause I didn't get that impression. What I did sense in person is that he is reading people very well.

He doesn't care so don't care back.  I doubt he's putting forth as much thought and energy into it as you are.  Move on and should your paths cross,  remain professional and professionally cordial.  No more,  no less. 

[Sindy_0311]

Just now, H o p e said:

Do you think there is a chance he was just playing me?
Cause I didn't get that impression. What I did sense in person is that he is reading people very well.

if you are not sure about his interest towards you, then keep it professional. 

Do you sometimes hang out with your coworkers for after hours or drinks? If so, why not asking him to join someday. It’s also part of networking to invite collaborators… 

[catfeeder]

I agree that timing was of the essence. We don't know whether the guy wanted to capitalize on the success by sharing more work proposal ideas or whether it was a more personal invite, but letting it slide for weeks told him that a quick coffee was not a priority for you--so other priorities replaced you for him.

[H o p e]

23 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

I agree that timing was of the essence. We don't know whether the guy wanted to capitalize on the success by sharing more work proposal ideas or whether it was a more personal invite, but letting it slide for weeks told him that a quick coffee was not a priority for you--so other priorities replaced you for him.

So you're suggesting his reply in the end, saying "We will find time", followed by a smile, was not sincere? That he said it just like that? Cause it made me believe he will let me know about suggested day. That's why it's been three weeks now - me, waiting for him to find time! But sure, if he lost interest because of my late reply, he might have lost the motivation to follow through. It makes me so sad. Cause I really did intent to go for that coffee! I wasn't stringing him along, not for a moment.

[H o p e]

32 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

if you are not sure about his interest towards you, then keep it professional. 

Do you sometimes hang out with your coworkers for after hours or drinks? If so, why not asking him to join someday. It’s also part of networking to invite collaborators… 

I haven't doubted his interest, not for a second, in fact, I was hoping for him to text me and he did. I was sincere and the next thing was his coffee proposal. I was hoping for that, too. So we were very much in sync, that's why the communiaction felt it had natural pace, led by mutual interest, mutual attraction.

I DO have doubts about his interest since communication stopped, its been 20 days of silence now. Suddenly, I feel very insecure, I second guess event the part I was so sure of. I feel as if I betrayed his trust, as funny as it sounds. I hope he doesnpt think I played with his emotions.
 

[H o p e]

39 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

if you are not sure about his interest towards you, then keep it professional. 

Do you sometimes hang out with your coworkers for after hours or drinks? If so, why not asking him to join someday. It’s also part of networking to invite collaborators… 

Thanks for your suggestion. But ... No, I don't want to wait for that opportunity, I don0t know when it would come, and I don't want to hang out with coworkers. I want time alone with him, just like he wanted some time alone with me.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

That is exactly my point. As far as I understand, she didn't ask him that. She left him hanging. 

Eh, not necessarily. If she doesn't bother getting back to him for 2 or 3 weeks, many men with self-worth aren't going to be as eager when she finally deigns to respond to the invitation. 

I've had very busy men -including my future husband -make a plan two weeks in advance (meaning exact day plus day or evening -very specific)  to show me they were intent on seeing me even though they were busy round the clock on a work project and/or leaving for a business trip.  

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, H o p e said:

I haven't doubted his interest, not for a second, in fact, I was hoping for him to text me and he did. I was sincere and the next thing was his coffee proposal. I was hoping for that, too. So we were very much in sync, that's why the communiaction felt it had natural pace, led by mutual interest, mutual attraction.

I DO have doubts about his interest since communication stopped, its been 20 days of silence now. Suddenly, I feel very insecure, I second guess event the part I was so sure of. I feel as if I betrayed his trust, as funny as it sounds. I hope he doesnpt think I played with his emotions.
 

Assume there are no emotions here other than on your end.  Just assume that.  You don't know him even though your head is in the clouds.  Keep your feet on the ground.  Assume he asks attractive women out for coffee regularly.  It's just coffee -maybe a real date/pre-date and maybe just for networking.  You're assuming all sorts of things here.  I agree with Miss Canuck.

[H o p e]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

I've had very busy men -including my future husband -make a plan two weeks in advance (meaning exact day plus day or evening -very specific)  to show me they were intent on seeing me even though they were busy round the clock on a work project and/or leaving for a business trip.  

Thanks for this insight, it's so comforting to read that. I thought he would appreciate 'booking' a coffee in advance, because a) I acknowledged the fact he is busy, too, and yes, I had that in mind, not only myself, b) I let him know what's going on in my life - it's not that I don't want to see you, I am busy. But I would love to go then and the when I'll be free. Even if it took time, it was the truth and I thought: okay, if he doesn't see me as a fling, he will appreciate this truth and will get back to tell me if he is available. That's how I understood his last text. Maybe I was wrong.

[H o p e]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

He asked her to meet. She didn't say yes, but I'm busy now, so let's meet in a couple weeks. She didn't bother following up on the invitation at all for 2 weeks. 

Most would interpret that as a sign of disinterest. I sure would. And I wouldn't be that keen if a guy finally got back to me more than 2 weeks later. It would tell me he's only lukewarm and I should save my energy for someone who shows a little more enthusiasm. 

I did tell him right away I would love to go for a coffe. And when he asked me to tell him when I want it, I said I would.
 

To reassure him I still want it, 10 days later I texted him I want it but am busy - and suggested a specific date on calndar. So I was not as aloof as you described it.

[boltnrun]

7 minutes ago, H o p e said:

okay, if he doesn't see me as a fling,

Wow, that kind of came out of nowhere.

Are you in the habit of doing this much overthinking? It seems like you're not even having any fun with this. 

[H o p e]

1 minute ago, H o p e said:

I did tell him right away I would love to go for a coffe. And when he asked me to tell him when I want it, I said I would.
 

To reassure him I still want it, 10 days later I texted him I want it but am busy - and suggested a specific date on calndar. So I was not as aloof as you described it.

Correcting myself: 10 days after birtday wish to him and two weeks after his original text for coffee.

[Batya33]

12 hours ago, H o p e said:

So (it was now two weeks after his birthday and our last texts), I wrote to him that I would very much like to go and get that coffee already, unfortunately I am stuck at work all the time (he is very busy too), but I will be free next week (I suggested a specific day) and asked him 'how about you'? To which he replied he'd happily go, that in general he's free on that day, but he only gets his schedule completed a couple of days before. But that we will find a time. I replied, 'OK, we'll hear each other.' And he texted me a smile back. To which I didn't reply with a smiley, don't know why.

All of this probably showed him lack of interest.  I think you're getting way ahead of yourself as far as wanting a fling or otherwise.  Assume he is or may be attracted to you and assume he is attracted to ladies regularly.  Assume you are not some special connection because you have nothing to go on with that other than your projections and how you feel on your side.  You only after weeks suggested a specific plan.  He might have moved on by then to ladies who were enthusiastic and showed it by replying within a day or so -even if really busy -and planning two weeks in advance if needed.

When my future husband and I reconnected and he asked if I wanted to meet for a friendly catch up lunch or dinner he told me he'd be in town in a few weeks and would call me then to set something up.  He was out of the country and I had no cell phone and given the context -similar to yours we basically didn't know each other anymore -had been 7 years - there was no point trying to plan 3 weeks in advance.  

But -he followed up reliably when he said he would.  And when he did he said -politely -look, it turns out I am free tonight.  It's really short notice but if you're available want to meet tonight? I said yes. Why? I had no romantic interest in him and didn't think he did in me but just like you we were both super busy professionals and I knew that if we didn't meet trying to reschedule would be a pain and he was going to leave town again in a month.  Sometimes you have to strike when the iron is hot even with bad timing/inconvenient timing.  Yes, we likely would have rescheduled but since neither of us assumed we'd have any spark who knows if we'd have dragged our feet.  Imagine.  We've been married since 2008.

[H o p e]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

Wow, that kind of came out of nowhere.

Are you in the habit of doing this much overthinking? It seems like you're not even having any fun with this. 

When it comes to men, I tend to overthink, yes.
But I never did that to such extent before.
It is because of these lasting silence. Now when I'm off work, I overanalyse.
The idea of having coffee with him still is exciting, in fun ways, too, yes.
The fling kind of came out of being quite obvious I like him when we first met, and to him touching my hand ... It was obvious flirting on his side. How he treats women, I do not know (yet).

You got me thinking. 🙂 Maybe he saw my planning in advance as incompatible, maybe he likes spontaneity and planning that much in advance DID sound too serious.

[spinstermanquee]

1 hour ago, H o p e said:

it might look as if I was calculating, having too many options

Hey Hope, please stop worrying about how it "looks, sounds, smells, feels" to HIM and start thinking about being in the moment, fully present, sincere, honest, with an open heart for YOU.  You are an awesome woman, you met a man you sparked with, keep your humor by your side and why not try Sindy's suggestion with a funny, flirty text?  At least then you can either open or close the story from there and stop wondering if you did too much, too little, too late.  Everyone deserves a second chance (and if you live in the US), the country was built on second chances!!!  Very few get it right the first time, but if you get it right the second time, the first time can't be called a failure 😉

 

[Cherylyn]

You you need to move on.  Over analyzing and over thinking is mentally draining.  He's obviously not investing in the same time,  energy and effort into you so why bother?  He has since moved on as should you. 

[boltnrun]

2 minutes ago, H o p e said:

You got me thinking. 🙂 Maybe he saw my planning in advance as incompatible, maybe he likes spontaneity and planning that much in advance DID sound too serious.

Now you're assigning him personality traits and preferences without even knowing about him personally, his dating style or even if he's single!

You seem to be doing a LOT of ruminating and overthinking. You're taking all the fun out of it, frankly. You're going to be an anxious mess by the time coffee even happens. 

[H o p e]

10 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

All of this probably showed him lack of interest.  I think you're getting way ahead of yourself as far as wanting a fling or otherwise.  Assume he is or may be attracted to you and assume he is attracted to ladies regularly.  Assume you are not some special connection because you have nothing to go on with that other than your projections and how you feel on your side.  You only after weeks suggested a specific plan.  He might have moved on by then to ladies who were enthusiastic and showed it by replying within a day or so -even if really busy -and planning two weeks in advance if needed.

When my future husband and I reconnected and he asked if I wanted to meet for a friendly catch up lunch or dinner he told me he'd be in town in a few weeks and would call me then to set something up.  He was out of the country and I had no cell phone and given the context -similar to yours we basically didn't know each other anymore -had been 7 years - there was no point trying to plan 3 weeks in advance.  

But -he followed up reliably when he said he would.  And when he did he said -politely -look, it turns out I am free tonight.  It's really short notice but if you're available want to meet tonight? I said yes. Why? I had no romantic interest in him and didn't think he did in me but just like you we were both super busy professionals and I knew that if we didn't meet trying to reschedule would be a pain and he was going to leave town again in a month.  Sometimes you have to strike when the iron is hot even with bad timing/inconvenient timing.  Yes, we likely would have rescheduled but since neither of us assumed we'd have any spark who knows if we'd have dragged our feet.  Imagine.  We've been married since 2008.

Wow, so happy for you. 🙂 Thank you for sharing.
Strike when the iron is hot - can I do anything?
Maybe I should text something about coffee. Although I have less and less curage. And when I think of the fact he has my number, well ... I dontp know. I donpt want to turn into a pushy woman who didnpt get it and ruin a nice memory, you know. Just in case he might still come around. At the same, I have troubles just waiting.