I don't know what to do

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, H o p e said:

That I so much liked the fact that he did not anxiously ask about the coffee all that time when I was busy and overworked. He was not pushy. He was waiting. And I think I wasn't pushy neither, I mean, almost a month of silence was in between, I think I did fine, and I hope he won't resent me trying one more time, I had to do it.

Of course no one you meet through work especially should be pushy like that! I wouldn't ascribe any big emotions to him or assume big emotions -assume you're one of many he asks for coffee or a one on one meeting outside of work on a regular basis - you have no idea if he was "waiting" or simply got busy /forgot he even asked you. 

I wouldnt assume any emotion about you following up other than the casual "oh -hmm - I remember her - I'll respond when I have a sec to let her know coffee is not gonna happen.  Oh I think - maybe pizza for lunch or ooooohhhh that taco food truck is around today -I can buy extra and have for dinner tomorrow oh right let me text that woman back - oh they also have that sauce but you have to ask for it."  Like that.  

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I think mixed signals are very subjective. It depends on how much you like someone, you start to read everything like a signal, that’s what OP is confused about. The hand, the compliments, and the coffee suggestion can easily be interpreted as signals from his part. That is what I was referring to. 

 

 

Yes very subjective. My suggestion to anyone looking for an LTR and out there dating is to refuse to indulge in "signals" -if someone wants to date you they will ask you out on a date they plan in advance or enthusiastically respond to you asking the person out.  Nothing else matters.

[Tinydance]

14 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I think mixed signals are very subjective. It depends on how much you like someone, you start to read everything like a signal, that’s what OP is confused about. The hand, the compliments, and the coffee suggestion can easily be interpreted as signals from his part. That is what I was referring to. 

 

I agree that if you like someone, you can read into "signals". But it's actually not the person's fault that someone is seeing signals when there aren't necessarily many/any.

[H o p e]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

 

Yes very subjective. My suggestion to anyone looking for an LTR and out there dating is to refuse to indulge in "signals" -if someone wants to date you they will ask you out on a date they plan in advance or enthusiastically respond to you asking the person out.  Nothing else matters.

If I can make another joke, this thread is quite musical. We've travelled all the way from Rammstein to Guns'n'Roses and Metallica. 

Thank you all for participating. I think I asked all I wanted to ask.
I am definitely not as full of hope as I was, but that's life, sometimes people disappoint us/sometimes we have a crush on wrong people.

[Batya33]

Just now, Tinydance said:

I agree that if you like someone, you can read into "signals". But it's actually not the person's fault that someone is seeing signals when there aren't necessarily many/any.

You can. I think it's often harmful and sabotaging if the goal is a long term relationship. If the goal is a hook up where there typically aren't dates asked for then you go with signals -sexually-based signals.  Often physical.  

[Tinydance]

14 minutes ago, H o p e said:

The mistake message was only few hours after our meeting took place.
Next day, I wrote him message I need some additional info about the project. He called me, I missed the call, I called back and we talked.

So all these events occured prior to the launch of our project 5-6 days later and prior to him thanking me for the work done and just after thanking me, proposing a coffee.

I understand what you're saying. He had my number all the time.

But you know what's the strangest thing?
That I so much liked the fact that he did not anxiously ask about the coffee all that time when I was busy and overworked. He was not pushy. He was waiting. And I think I wasn't pushy neither, I mean, almost a month of silence was in between, I think I did fine, and I hope he won't resent me trying one more time, I had to do it to move on.

But how do you know "he was waiting"? You thought he was waiting but maybe he actually wasn't going to ask you for a coffee. So he wasn't actually waiting but he was just doing nothing because he wanted to do nothing lol

[H o p e]

7 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

I agree that if you like someone, you can read into "signals". But it's actually not the person's fault that someone is seeing signals when there aren't necessarily many/any.

They might not be aware of it. But I think this guy knew exactly what he was doing. He was flirting and that's a fact, you can say what you want, but I was actually there. 😉 If I wasn't sure of chemistry, I wouldn't look for any signs at all, especially where there were none.

[H o p e]

1 minute ago, Tinydance said:

But how do you know "he was waiting"? You thought he was waiting but maybe he actually wasn't going to ask you for a coffee. So he wasn't actually waiting but he was just doing nothing because he wanted to do nothing lol

Yes, as I said, that would mean he was not sincere in the first place. I just believed him. He can't resent that, either. He could have just said what he meant, not what he didn't, so let's not defend him too much, shall we.

[Sindy_0311]

1 minute ago, H o p e said:

If I can make another joke, this thread is quite musical. We've travelled all the way from Rammstein to Guns'n'Roses and Metallica. 

Thank you all for participating. I think I asked all I wanted to ask.
I am definitely not as full of hope as I was, but that's life, sometimes people disappoint us/sometimes we have a crush on wrong people.

Sometimes it’s just no meant to be… 

You are a smart woman and someday your mister right will come into your life and you will never doubt about his intentions! I wish you the best! 

[Batya33]

Yes just avoid disappointing yourself with unrealistic expectations.  My friend when in her 30s nursed a 4 year crush on a guy she volunteered with in a theater company.  She read into signal after signal . They were good buddies and flirtatious too.  Harmless flirting. Most of that time he was dating- secretly-another woman in the group.  Then he broke it off and invited her to spend a day with him in a beautiful park.  Where he told her about the woman, about the breakup.  They spent the whole day together.  He never asked her out.  Why? Because he never wanted to date her.  He did enjoy the ego stroking -she had that huge crush and he was kinda arrogant - and never was interested in dating her.

[Tinydance]

5 minutes ago, H o p e said:

They might not be aware of it. But I think this guy knew what he was doing. He was flirting and that's a fact, you can say what you want, butI was there. 😉 If I wasnpt sure of chemistry, I wouldnpt look for any signs at all, especially where there were none.

Well maybe he was actually flirting but for some reason he decided not to pursue it. The reasons really could be anything at all. He was married/in a relationship, seeing someone, met someone else. He was attracted to you but didn't actually want to date you because you're from the work sphere. He's a natural flirty person who likes attention and flirts a lot. 

Just a question though, have you not been in situations before where things didn't eventuate? Maybe I'm just used to it because I've done a lot of online dating and dating in general. This situation seems quite common to me.

[H o p e]

1 minute ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Sometimes it’s just no meant to be… 

You are a smart woman and someday your mister right will come into your life and you will never doubt about his intentions! I wish you the best! 

Thank you!

[Sindy_0311]

3 minutes ago, H o p e said:

They might not be aware of it. But I think this guy knew what he was doing. He was flirting and that's a fact, you can say what you want, butI was there. 😉 If I wasnpt sure of chemistry, I wouldnpt look for any signs at all, especially where there were none.

I kinda agree with you. In my opinion he showed you some “signals”, maybe he had some kind of interest, but that’s it. It never went further, so just forget about it for now. 

[H o p e]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes just avoid disappointing yourself with unrealistic expectations.  My friend when in her 30s nursed a 4 year crush on a guy she volunteered with in a theater company.  She read into signal after signal . They were good buddies and flirtatious too.  Harmless flirting. Most of that time he was dating- secretly-another woman in the group.  Then he broke it off and invited her to spend a day with him in a beautiful park.  Where he told her about the woman, about the breakup.  They spent the whole day together.  He never asked her out.  Why? Because he never wanted to date her.  He did enjoy the ego stroking -she had that huge crush and he was kinda arrogant - and never was interested in dating her.

In my case, ego stroking crossed my mind, too, to be honest. But briefly, I quickly forgot about it - because I wanted to forget about it. Nah, he wouldnpt need that, I said to myself. Well, we never know, do we ...

[Tinydance]

8 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I kinda agree with you. In my opinion he showed you some “signals”, maybe he had some kind of interest, but that’s it. It never went further, so just forget about it for now. 

 

11 minutes ago, H o p e said:

Yes, as I said, that would mean he was not sincere in the first place. I just believed him. He can't resent that, either. He could have just said what he meant, not what he didn't, so let's not defend him too much, shall we.

But thing is, people are actually allowed to change their mind even if they did go out on a date with you. I've had guys ask me out and we went on the date and they realised there was no spark. So they didn't want to see me again. Or I went on a date with someone and decided not to see them again. The reason why I was defending him is because he didn't do anything so horrible that warrants this amount of posts and annoyance and feeling wrong done by you.

OK, he touched your arm and said I'll take you for coffee, then he changed his mind. He's allowed to change his mind, as are you or any other person. He actually didn't really lead you on because you never even went on a date, never kissed, he never even sent you any messages. He made a passing comment which made you get extremely fixated on him. That fixation is all from your end and has nothing to do with him.

[H o p e]

12 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

 

But thing is, people are actually also allowed to change their mind even if they did go out on a date with you. I've had guys ask me out and we went on the date and they realised there was no spark. So they didn't want to see me again. Or I went on a date with someone and decided not to see them again. The reason why I was defending him is because he didn't do anything so horrible that warrants thus amount of posts and annoyance and feeling wrong dome by you.

OK, he touched your arm and said I'll take you for coffee, then he changed his mind. He's allowed to change his mind, as are you or any other person. He actually didn't really lead you on because you never even went on a date, never kissed, he never even sent you any messages. He made a passing comment which made you get extremely fixated on him. That fixation is all from your end and has nothing to do with him.

He took the time to participate in a project he could decline because he is busy.
The sparks were all over the place.
We enjoyed talking alone after the meeting, he tried to impress me, when one on one he realised the time is running out and we'll have to leave, he was more relaxed, he was flirting, he touched me.
Suggesting we go for a coffee was only natural after the chemistry that was present.
It was only a matter of time.
I knew he would reach out with a thank you and he did just that.
He could have said it in a mail to the whole group.
But no, he did not do that. He chose to write me a message on the phone.
And after I said yes, I would like to get some coffe, he said Great, let me know when you feel the wish for it.

Why we never had that coffee, I don't know, yes, many reasons cross my mind, I've listed many here ... I'm out of ideas.

[Tinydance]

4 minutes ago, H o p e said:

He took the time to participate in a project he could decline because he is busy.
The sparks were all over the place.
We enjoyed talking alone after the meeting, he tried to impress me, when one on one he realised the time is running out and we'll have to leave, he was more relaxed, he was flirting, he touched me.
Suggesting we go for a coffee was only natural after the chemistry that was present.
It was only a matter of time.
I knew he would reach out with a thank you and he did just that.
He could have said it in a mail to the whole group.
But no, he did not do that. He chose to write me a message on the phone.
And after I said yes, I would like to get some coffe, he said Great, let me know when you feel the wish for it.

Why we never had that coffee, I don't know, yes, many reasons cross my mind, I've listed many here ... I'm out of ideas.

Do you actually over analyse to this extent every time nothing happens with a guy? That must be very tiring.

[H o p e]

3 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Do you actually over analyse to this extent every time nothing happens with a guy? That must be very tiring.

No, my intuition is usually spot on, it's usually the other way round, people come to me for advice.

And I'm just emphasizing the difference between situation such as:

Quote

But thing is, people are actually allowed to change their mind even if they did go out on a date with you. I've had guys ask me out and we went on the date and they realised there was no spark. So they didn't want to see me again.

And mine, which was full of sparks. If he changed his mind, it was definitely not based on our live interaction. The meeting we had started it all.



 

[MissCanuck]

When was your last relationship, OP? 

[Jaunty]

10 hours ago, H o p e said:

No, I am not obsessed but I maybe sound obsessed because I'm trying to find logic in everything

I'm sorry but you really ARE obsessed.  Generally obsessed people don't perceive that they are obsessed.

Looking for the hidden meanings in emoji choices?  Not "logical" in any world.  The main "tell" though is that you felt you were in love with him because of a touch of hand, a few texts and your analysis of emoticons.

10 hours ago, H o p e said:

My assumption was: this guy is sincere. He says things and means them.
I would never assume he would be using phrases he didn't have to.
Maybe he was just just curious, you know, playing a little bit just to test the waters.
I don't know

It was totally unnecessary for him to propose a coffee

??? Are you even processing anything that people are writing here?

Even YOU acknowledged that you've "proposed a coffee" in your life that had no heavily weighted secret hidden meanings.  People do it ALL THE TIME.  I will venture to say that the majority of "let's get a coffee sometime" statements never end up leading to getting a coffee.  It's a social convention.

 

 

10 hours ago, H o p e said:

I would rather see no messages about the coffee from him, you know!
Just a 'thank you so much, beautiful, perfectly done' and 'until next time, have a nice time'.
I would be much more at peace.


 

Well - you have no control over what he chooses to type or what is going on inside of his head regarding coffee or anything else, so you would be doing yourself a favor to stop going down these rabbit holes.  It's not healthy.

Good luck.

[Batya33]

I've flirted with men I didn't want to date and vice versa.  Many times.  I've felt strong sparks on both ends on first meets, first dates second dates and never heard from the guy again.  

 

[Jaunty]

15 hours ago, H o p e said:

He took the time to participate in a project he could decline because he is busy.
 

I found it unsettling that you think this has something to do with you. One would naturally assume that this was a professional decision on his part.   Now it occurs  to me that you probably had complicated personal designs on him when you initially contacted him - and it was NOT a professional decision on your own part. 

In your OP you wrote:

Quote

A month and a half ago, I contacted this guy and invited him to work with our creative team (we are a big firm, and he is the CEO of a small company, besides that he has another job) and he said yes.

Then:

Quote

After the actual meeting which only lasted half an hour, he and I talked alone some 5 to 10 minutes more at the venue where the meeting took place, my colleagues politely left us alone. The connection was there from the first moment, during conversation he slightly touched my hand, it felt natural 

And ... you were off to the races - bringing us to where we all are today.

Now it is making more sense to me how and why you would be projecting so wildly because of some minimal interaction over the course of a few days - if I'm correct in my thought that you contacted this guy in order to try to start something personal with him. 

Perhaps you were very invested in this "love story" before he came into your workplace for that short meeting?  Have you ever gone out with or hooked up with him in the past?  Or was this actually the first time you'd met each other?

If I am onto something here, I will venture to suggest that you may be treading on dangerous ground by using your role at your job as a platform to generate dates or a relationship.  That is not professional.  It isn't anything you should do again.

Regardless, nothing happened except for in your head (flirting and sparks don't really mean anything unless they actually develop)  and it doesn't look like anything is going to be happening in the future.   It's hard to imagine that your intensity would not be obvious to this fellow, and more than likely off-putting.   And all the projecting, emoji deconstruction, analysis of "sparks," conjectures about his thoughts and possible motivations, are all very bad for YOU.  I know you will laugh and say it's all great but it simply is not and you will NOT end up in a good romantic relationship by following this practice.

Why?

Because you are not letting anything unfold, you are not learning about the guy or his intentions by being present for them.  Instead, you are experiencing all the nuances of your own imagination.  Really, no room for an actual person with a life and personality of their own is present.  

 

 

[H o p e]

On 5/2/2023 at 5:40 PM, Jaunty said:

I found it unsettling that you think this has something to do with you. One would naturally assume that this was a professional decision on his part.   Now it occurs  to me that you probably had complicated personal designs on him when you initially contacted him - and it was NOT a professional decision on your own part. 

In your OP you wrote:

Then:

And ... you were off to the races - bringing us to where we all are today.

Now it is making more sense to me how and why you would be projecting so wildly because of some minimal interaction over the course of a few days - if I'm correct in my thought that you contacted this guy in order to try to start something personal with him. 

Perhaps you were very invested in this "love story" before he came into your workplace for that short meeting?  Have you ever gone out with or hooked up with him in the past?  Or was this actually the first time you'd met each other?

If I am onto something here, I will venture to suggest that you may be treading on dangerous ground by using your role at your job as a platform to generate dates or a relationship.  That is not professional.  It isn't anything you should do again.

Regardless, nothing happened except for in your head (flirting and sparks don't really mean anything unless they actually develop)  and it doesn't look like anything is going to be happening in the future.   It's hard to imagine that your intensity would not be obvious to this fellow, and more than likely off-putting.   And all the projecting, emoji deconstruction, analysis of "sparks," conjectures about his thoughts and possible motivations, are all very bad for YOU.  I know you will laugh and say it's all great but it simply is not and you will NOT end up in a good romantic relationship by following this practice.

Why?

Because you are not letting anything unfold, you are not learning about the guy or his intentions by being present for them.  Instead, you are experiencing all the nuances of your own imagination.  Really, no room for an actual person with a life and personality of their own is present.  

 

 

I lead the project.
But I do have a boss.
And it was my boss who decided we should contact him.
He did cross my mind as business partner but before I even verbalized it, my boss decided.
I just proceeded.
Everything that happened after meeting him was a suprise.
Before, we never had any interaction whatsoever, online or live.
I only knew of him because he is in business.
He did not know me.
I would never organize a business situation to get into personal relationship, I already wrote that when given the idea we should perhaps do another business interaction.
That's also what I would advise to colleagues and that's why it was ironic for me.