I don't know what to do

[H o p e]

What was rebuffing about his text?

About the waiting part: I choose to be very patient because he had to be patient too, in a way. And not to mess things up, since we met for business. If I already did the waiting, I can do it for a little while. I'm smitten with him. It doesn't mean I stop living in between.

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, H o p e said:

In second, he wrote this coffee is not meant to be. I thought, my gosh, how harsh, but it was obviously a comment about bad timing, because in his third last sentence, he wrote 'I am abroad till wednesday. 😞 Some of us have to work during holidays 😛'.

I replied I understand cause sometimes I have to work holidays and weekends too, and I wished him success. And I suggested he contacts me when he's back, trying to make another joke that perhaps we should just switch from coffee to tea. 😊

And that was it, no reply from him later and it's been four days. I have no intention of reaching out again.

This was rebuffing your attempt to set up coffee and on top of that -not replying . 

[MissCanuck]

Why are you so hung up on this man?

It seems you're pinning an awful lot of hope on him when you barely know him. He might dress up like a Care Bear in his spare time, for all you know. You're quite enamoured by what you perceive on the surface, in other words, but you have no idea if his true self matches your idea of him. 

 

[H o p e]

2 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Why are you so hung up on this man?

It seems you're pinning an awful lot of hope on him when you barely know him. He might dress up like a Care Bear in his spare time, for all you know. You're quite enamoured by what you perceive on the surface, in other words, but you have no idea if his true self matches your idea of him. 

 

I know awful lot about him. Good stuff. I can't tell you more than that.
I've noticed him around years ago, but only from afar. As I already wrote, he is a respected member of our community.

[H o p e]

7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

This was rebuffing your attempt to set up coffee and on top of that -not replying . 

To me, it was funny how fatalistic that sounded, yes, but I took it more as a comment how once again, we can not meet, now because of his absence. You know, instead of saying: Damn! ...

[Batya33]

11 minutes ago, H o p e said:

To me, it was funny how fatalistic that sounded, yes, but I took it more as a comment how once again, we can not meet, now because of his absence. You know, instead of saying: Damn! ...

Take anything less than enthusiasm in seeing you as a NO.

[Batya33]

14 minutes ago, H o p e said:

I know awful lot about him. Good stuff. I can't tell you more than that.
I've noticed him around years ago, but only from afar. As I already wrote, he is a respected member of our community.

Yes but you don't know him personally and you are romantically interested in him so the other stuff you know of him is largely irrelevant-other than it somewhat increases your safety in being with him in person.  I had first meets through dating sites with men where we knew of each other professionally.  Sometimes it helped.  Often it actually didn't. Apples and oranges.  

[boltnrun]

Knowing someone professionally doesn't mean you know them personally. I've known people who have impeccable professional credentials and reputations who have attempted suicide, who abuse their wives, who have substance abuse issues, who are involved in extramarital affairs...and on and on.

Of course this man could be a wonderful man both professionally and personally. 

I would put him on a back burner and continue your social life however it was before this all happened. 

[H o p e]

42 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Take anything less than enthusiasm in seeing you as a NO.

Considering everything I wrote about our communication,

I think he was very enthusiastic - about cooperating with us, when meeting in person, with coffee proposal within his responds after the launch. He was not pushy when it took me a while, which I liked. We agreed I get to tell him when I feel the desire for coffee.

Q: What would be enthusiastic from him in these last texts when he was already miles away reading my messages?

I actually respect this silence more than I would appreciate his respond sounding 'okay, so be it, let's go', telling me he's actually not into it but is doing it anyway.

Maybe I'm just too hopeful.



 

[H o p e]

37 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Knowing someone professionally doesn't mean you know them personally. I've known people who have impeccable professional credentials and reputations who have attempted suicide, who abuse their wives, who have substance abuse issues, who are involved in extramarital affairs...and on and on.

Of course this man could be a wonderful man both professionally and personally. 

I would put him on a back burner and continue your social life however it was before this all happened. 

I agree.
But let's just say I do know a lot about his life philosophy etc., through mutual contacts. Not the details, but I know enough to respect him a lot, without idolizing.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, H o p e said:

I know awful lot about him. 

That's my point. You know things about him - but you don't know him personally. They are not one and the same. 

Regardless, it seems this isn't going to amount to more. You tried, so at least you can say you gave it a shot. Best to put it behind you now. 

[Tinydance]

22 minutes ago, H o p e said:

Considering everything I wrote about our communication,

I think he was very enthusiastic - about cooperating with us, when meeting in person, with coffee proposal within his responds after the launch. He was not pushy when it took me a while, which I liked. We agreed I get to tell him when I feel the desire for coffee.

Q: What would be enthusiastic from him in these last texts when he was already miles away reading my messages?

I actually respect this silence more than I would appreciate his respond sounding 'okay, so be it, let's go', telling me he's actually not into it but is doing it anyway.

Maybe I'm just too hopeful.



 

Yes, he was acting enthusiastic, but this was work and professional interaction. Most people try to act friendly at work, smile, etc. You also need to remember that some people actually act more friendly than others in general. It really depends on people's personality. I remember one time I was in a cafe and the waiter kept chatting to me, smiling, joking around with me. I thought, wow, he's into me? But then I actually saw he was talking friendly like that to all the customers, even male. I don't really see how you were reading a lot of romantic interest in your interactions with this guy. I personally didn't really see much there from everything you wrote.

All your interactions with him were within work context only. Yes, he touched your arm but maybe he's a bit of a flirtatious person in general or maybe he just thought nothing of it. Also in a work context when he said: "I'll take you for coffee to thank you" may have actually meant literally just that, to thank you for your work. Maybe he was even considering inviting some of your other colleagues too.

I understand you were attracted to him but you hardly knew him so what is your obsession with him? I know when people like someone they can read into things and I've done it myself too. But considering your interactions were within work only, how do you know how he'd behave with you outside of work? And keeping in mind he actually didn't want to catch up outside of work because he declined coffee with you twice. He was also not texting you, it was always you texting him. Why do you think if a guy likes you that he would act like he DOESN'T like you? If he was interested he'd be messaging you and he'd go for coffee with you. It's very straightforward.

[Tinydance]

28 minutes ago, H o p e said:

I agree.
But let's just say I do know a lot about his life philosophy etc., through mutual contacts. Not the details, but I know enough to respect him a lot, without idolizing.

Yes so what? We can know a lot of people - colleagues, classmates, friends of friends. That doesn't mean they're into us romantically.

[Tinydance]

1 hour ago, H o p e said:

To me, it was funny how fatalistic that sounded, yes, but I took it more as a comment how once again, we can not meet, now because of his absence. You know, instead of saying: Damn! ...

He might actually not even be overseas. He might have just said that.

[Tinydance]

1 hour ago, H o p e said:

What was rebuffing about his text?

About the waiting part: I choose to be very patient because he had to be patient too, in a way. And not to mess things up, since we met for business. If I already did the waiting, I can do it for a little while. I'm smitten with him. It doesn't mean I stop living in between.

Rebuffing is "I guess this coffee is not meant to be". Like that's pretty clear? Also yes you're smitten with him, but he's not smitten with you. I think you need to respect that the other person is actually not interested.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, H o p e said:

I replied I understand cause sometimes I have to work holidays and weekends too, and I wished him success. And I suggested he contacts me when he's back, 

There's nothing more to do. You left the ball in his court,which was a good idea. 

[boltnrun]

There was a guy who used to come by my department just about every day, chatting and laughing and joking around with my supervisor. She presumed he was interested in her. She even was speculating about how it would be when they moved in together, surmising that she would be able to quit working and be a stay at home mom to her child because that guy was a couple levels above her and made good money. She had everything all planned out and he hadn't even asked her out. Welp, turned out he's gay and came by to talk to her because they share a mutual interest in all things Disney. Of course he liked her and thought she was nice and fun to talk to, but she assumed he was into her and was mentally planning their future together. Oops. 

Of course I have no idea if this man likes you or wants to date you (which can be mutually exclusive). If he reaches out to ask to see you, I guess you'll know then. If not, oh well, no harm no foul. 

[Tinydance]

5 hours ago, H o p e said:

Okay, let's suppose he's taken - you mean, on top of his saying it's not meant to be, he shouldn't have encouraged me? Because the sad emoticon after him saying he's away in this case was very unnecessary for me to read, it suggests he's sad he can't be around, I mean, come on. Why put emotions in messages at all? If I'd like to refuse someone, for example, even in a polite way, I wouldn't use any emojis. Because using more serious tone would tell I am not kidding.

Actually I think these days using emojis doesn't necessarily mean that much. Also yes there are certain emojis, like the ones with hearts, that mean something romantic. But I think using other emojis doesn't necessarily mean anything. I actually always use a smiley emoji, even when I message my boss at work every time.

Granted my boss is also a female lol I think you've HUGELY read into everything. You are clutching at straws really because you don't have very much showing actual interest from this guy. When you said: "Happy Birthday" and he said: "Oh thanks 🤩", literally he just said thank you and that's all. It's like if you say to someone: "Have a good day" and they say: "Thanks". Doesn't really mean anything except that person is being polite.

[Batya33]

He was not enthusiastic about setting up a coffee date - he may have been at one point. At present he is not. I had a similar situation to Bolt coworker. He flirted outrageously with me at work. We were graduate school co interns.
 

Everyone noticed. I was single. I asked him to lunch and he accepted.
At the pizza place Class Clown became reserved and awkward as he all of a sudden mentioned his “girlfriend”. Yes he had one. Didn’t know. And didn’t need to ask since this was two coworkers grabbing pizza during the work day. I was really surprised. Guess he just liked flirting with me. 

[Tinydance]

20 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

He was not enthusiastic about setting up a coffee date - he may have been at one point. At present he is not. I had a similar situation to Bolt coworker. He flirted outrageously with me at work. We were graduate school co interns.
 

Everyone noticed. I was single. I asked him to lunch and he accepted.
At the pizza place Class Clown became reserved and awkward as he all of a sudden mentioned his “girlfriend”. Yes he had one. Didn’t know. And didn’t need to ask since this was two coworkers grabbing pizza during the work day. I was really surprised. Guess he just liked flirting with me. 

I don't think also that just touching someone arm, while it's too familiar, necessarily means romantic interest. I've actually had some people touch my arm, even straight female. Or people who don't know you much and give you a hug. There are some people who are just touchy feely. Also there are people who are maybe a bit "fake". They say things they don't necessarily mean or make offhand comments. I've been on dates with people like that who said: "I'll give you a call soon", "Let's get dinner soon", but I never heard from them again.

One time I joined a website to make platonic friends. I met up with a woman from there for coffee, to get to know each other potentially to be friends. It became very clear to me straight away we were completely different and we didn't click. We had nothing whatsoever in common. She was up herself, shallow, bimbo "Barbie" sort of girl and I don't get along with people like that. She was making judgemental comments about overweight people and I was actually a bit overweight myself. It was clear we weren't getting along but at the end of the meeting she was like: "Great to meet you hun, we need to catch up soon!" Then obviously I never heard from her again and she never heard from me again lol

[Jaunty]

6 hours ago, H o p e said:

Okay ... And later he changed his mind to not buying me a coffee - why?
 

Okay ... you're in your 40's and  a busy professional.

Surely you've had countless encounters with new people during your life already when someone said "let's get coffee sometime" and it never happened.  Did you or they twist yourselves up in knots trying to figure out "why"?  I hope not.  

I'm still a bit concerned that you think you fell in love with him.  You exchanged a few texts and a couple of emojis.  Once he touched your hand.  

If this guy has a sense that you think you're in love with him, and he is a business associate, that could be a great reason for him to decide to give you a wide berth.  

I doubt this is the case, though.  He's just living his life just like he did all the time before you first encountered him just a few weeks ago.   

 

 

[H o p e]

41 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

There's nothing more to do. You left the ball in his court,which was a good idea. 

Yes, I think so, too.
If he's still interested, he knows where to find me.
And I have nothing more to do, really.

[H o p e]

12 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Okay ... you're in your 40's and  a busy professional.

Surely you've had countless encounters with new people during your life already when someone said "let's get coffee sometime" and it never happened.  Did you or they twist yourselves up in knots trying to figure out "why"?  I hope not.  

I'm still a bit concerned that you think you fell in love with him.  You exchanged a few texts and a couple of emojis.  Once he touched your hand.  

If this guy has a sense that you think you're in love with him, and he is a business associate, that could be a great reason for him to decide to give you a wide berth.  

I doubt this is the case, though.  He's just living his life just like he did all the time before you first encountered him just a few weeks ago.   

 

 

Of course, numerous times I've heard the phrase and I will hear it in the future. Yet I didn't expect it to be his phrase, concidering the interaction we had - he seemed genuinely interested. Mutual attraction was there. Immediately after launch, he wrote to me, and to me, his thank you was so eager it almost sounded as an excuse to ask me for that coffee. 😉

Before my last texts, he couldn't have known I am that interested that I would get back with another proposal. Maybe now he does have a clue. But hey, it's how it was framed from beginning. Him telling me to tell him when I want to go. He didn't pursue me, asking do you have the time on x-y-z day. Usually, that's what guys do. I am not comfortable in initiating all the time at all.

[H o p e]

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

He might actually not even be overseas. He might have just said that.

That would mean he would be posting fake online photos from abroad these days. I doubt he'd have the interest/time to mislead hundreds of people, really.

[H o p e]

43 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Actually I think these days using emojis doesn't necessarily mean that much. Also yes there are certain emojis, like the ones with hearts, that mean something romantic. But I think using other emojis doesn't necessarily mean anything. I actually always use a smiley emoji, even when I message my boss at work every time.

Granted my boss is also a female lol I think you've HUGELY read into everything. You are clutching at straws really because you don't have very much showing actual interest from this guy. When you said: "Happy Birthday" and he said: "Oh thanks 🤩", literally he just said thank you and that's all. It's like if you say to someone: "Have a good day" and they say: "Thanks". Doesn't really mean anything except that person is being polite.

At first we didn't use emoticons at all. He could have gone back to being serious if he wanted to create more distance. I don't overindulge in emoticons, I'm juts saying we're all smart enough to know the difference in tone they can make.