Complicated and draining. Should we move on?

[Amod47]

Hi all. Hoping for some outsider insight as I'm really struggling to get out of my own head.

I've (27)been with my boyfriend (32) for slightly over 3 years. We were a Pandemic relationship so we never got to spend our honey moon period together but otherwise we were strong for the first year. After things things started to slip and it's just got worse since.

To cut ! very long story short, he still lives with his mum and because of a lot of mental health issues since his dad died she is extremely dependable on him. She doesn't do anything in the house and won't leave the house. This means in our whole rationship ive only met her once and never been invited to his house. This is where the main problem starts, I can not ignore the fact I've never been invited into his home life. There's a whole side to him I dont know about and he keeps giving me false promises that it will happen but it never does. He said it won't happen until his home is clean and much better than how it is now. I've also never met his friends. On a side note I don't believe there's any other reasons apart from that noted, or that he's hiding anything. 

He's not willing to budge on the matter and I'm not willing to let me desires go of having a close family. He wants children one day but I'm struggling with the thought that my future children will be going to a stranger, because he's made it clear I'll never have a strong relationship with his Mum but she will want to be part of grandchildren lives. 

I've dreamt of having a large family and having strong bonds. I don't want to give this up and I feel selfish  but I also feel terrible because it's only him and his Mum, so he doesn't have anyone else. 

My family live an hour away so it's sometimes difficult for me to see them and I've always made it known to him I'm nervous to start a family because I'll be so isolated. So not having any ties to his side either makes me nervous. He only has his Mum.n

Another side issue, we never have sex. It's always been a problem and no matter what we do we just can't seem to get it to happen. We both want to, but when it comes down to it we both get into our own heads and it just vets awkward. We're both so used to it failing now both of us are too nervous to initiate it. There's also been a few instances along the lines which have made mess attracted to him.

We can't seam to come to a solution. It's very much I either A) get over the fact I won't be part of his home life  and start being a good happy girlfriend again or B) move on but feel like a terrible person for doing so. He promises me it will happen but those promises have lasted 3 years already.

I feel like 27 is too old to start again. I don't know what to do. I love him but i can't trust his promises anymore. 

[Cherylyn]

He doesn't sound like "the one."  ☹️ 

Perhaps he's embarrassed to show you his mother's house.

Don't feel like a terrible person for moving on.  You're not a terrible person.  You can't force two incompatible people to be with each other.  It won't work.  I wouldn't trust his false promises either if I were you.

You're still young at 27 and you're not too old!  You can start again and anew.  Remain positive.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. Where do you spend your time together? Don't let him camp out at your place any longer. You need to see how he lives. Before you can assess anything. Try not to stay out of pity. You need to live your own life.

[Amod47]

 

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Where do you spend your time together? Don't let him camp out at your place any longer. You need to see how he lives. Before you can assess anything. Try not to stay out of pity. You need to live your own life.

I lived in a shared house right now so when we see each other we spend the whole time in my room unless we go for food etc 

[bluecastle]

Sorry about all this. 

From the outside—or at least when viewed through my own lens—it sounds like there are some very real ingredients missing here. Zero sex? Can only speak for myself, but that's always been a pretty major and critical component of romantic relationships—the thing you share with your partner and no one else. Putting everything else aside, is that something you can be happy letting go of in life? 

While I can to some degree understand his reluctance to have you over to his mother's house, I'm curious to understand why he forbids you meeting his friends as well. Does he go out with them regularly and not invite you? What does he say when you ask to meet them? 

All in all, it sounds to me like if you let go of the idea of 27 being "too old" that you'd know what to do. Keep in mind that you've only been an adult for 6 years, and, should all go well, you've got maybe 60 more to go. How you spend every one of them is the story of who you are, so ask yourself who you want that person to be and if the choices you're making now are bringing you close to that person or further.  

[Wiseman2]

35 minutes ago, Amod47 said:

I lived in a shared house right now so when we see each other we spend the whole time in my room unless we go for food etc 

Are you sure he's single? It's odd you've never met anyone in his life or been to his house.  Try to get that sorted out before you go further. Does he have ED? you mentioned the intimacy is almost completely missing.

[smackie9]

Yup, move on. 

[Batya33]

I would move on based on incompatibility.  Also consider whether a future partner would have to agree to move to where your parents are since you seem to want to be near your family if you have kids (I moved 800 miles away from my city of 43 years to a city where I knew no one -with our five month old -for my husband's job).

27 is young.  Obviously not too late to start over.  I mean you can consider egg freezing in a couple of years I guess.  I dated my husband first time around when we were ages 28-31.  Broke up -even cancelled a wedding - got back together when I was 39 and he 38.  We got married and became parents at age 42.  First marriage for both. Obviously we got married later in life but it's laughable that you think 27 is too old to start over -and that you should settle for someone incompatible. 

[SooSad33]

Oh yeah, you are still so young!  I was involved another 2 times ( long term), from that age. ( after my first LT failed - and had 2 kids). So, you do have plenty of time still 🙂 .

Complicated & draining, is saying YOU are not happy at all with this situation  I think you've been in long enough to see IF things will change.  They haven't.

Then stop wasting time with this one.  Admit you're not happy at all with how things are and say enough.

Heal and move on from this .. and get out there again someday to try again. 😉 

[MissCanuck]

You need to move on, without a doubt.

There are a lot of major things wrong with this relationship. You know this. I think you also know this is not just about his house or his mother. He’s also hiding you from his friends. They know something he doesn’t want you finding out. There’s no other reason for this. 

I’d thus bet tree farm he’s hiding something huge, and I would no longer even care what it was. I’d be done, plain and simple. 

[gamon]

10 hours ago, Amod47 said:

There's a whole side to him I dont know about and he keeps giving me false promises that it will happen but it never does. He said it won't happen until his home is clean and much better than how it is now. I've also never met his friends. On a side note I don't believe there's any other reasons apart from that noted, or that he's hiding anything.

The secrecy is troubling. This whole "The home needs to be clean and better before you can go there" is the biggest line of BS I've read on a forum thread all week, and I've read a lot of BS on forum threads this week.

You might not believe he's hiding anything but that's because you don't WANT to believe it. This whole "ostrich with head in sand" strategy is as unproductive as it is common.

I'm not big on ultimatums, but in this case I'd tell him the relationship cannot continue if you aren't allowed to share this part of his life- in other words you want the grand tour of the house, and you want it soon, or you're going to exit stage left. And you gotta mean it.

[Tinydance]

Well, first of all, if the "home needs to be clean" then shouldn't he clean it? What is stopping him? I think there does seem to be something suss that he never invites you over there. I'm not saying that he's cheating on you or anything like that necessarily but it might be something like the house is extremely messy, him/his mother are hoarders, something along those lines. It could also be that his mother doesn't want people coming over.

What I would be careful of is whether he has a co-dependent relationship with his mother. I understand his father died so obviously his mother is grieving and lonely. I'm not saying that he should abandon her but he does need to live an independent life from her. For example he could move out somewhere not too far away. He could still visit her once a week and help her around the house, etc.

I've known mothers who split up from their husband or the husband died and they became very clingy to their adult child and overly dependent on them. I would observe carefully and see if that's what's going on there. I know it's probably hard to know seeing as you've basically never met the mother or been to the house.

The sex thing also seems like a pretty big issue. If you feel awkward about having sex with him then is it really a romantic relationship or is it more like a friendship?

[catfeeder]

On 4/21/2023 at 4:24 PM, Amod47 said:

... he keeps giving me false promises that it will happen but it never does.

I can't speak for you, but my definition of a 'false promise' is a lie.

He's been lying to you about his home, his friends and his family life for how many years?

Quote

I feel like 27 is too old to start again. 

No, 27 is too old to keep fooling yourself about how you want to spend the rest of your fertility years.

Get clarity and walk FORward, sister!

[tattoobunnie]

On 4/21/2023 at 4:24 PM, Amod47 said:

I've never been invited into his home...I've also never met his friends...we never have sex...I feel like 27 is too old to start again.

27 is a PERFECT time to start again!!!  Best time ever!

Your 20's are all about learning to spot red flags.  Your 30's are for discovering and taking no for an answer for you wants and needs.  Your 40's are for no longer taking no more crap and living your best life.

You've never met his mom who's a hoarder btw.  You've never seen how he handles himself as a man in his own home, or how he is with her.  You've never met his friends or rarely have sex.  Girl, grow some self-esteem.  Life is way to short to stay with a dude who can't get it together.  

It's one thing if you've met his mom and friends, but for all you know, he could be married with kids.  Or he will never make you a top priority, as in never meeting his moms or friends.  She runs the house...not you.