I just begged my boyfriend to stay with me.

[deliriousdentrite]

TLDR: I begged my bf of 4 years to stay with me and he agreed, but now I can't help but feel anxious and unstable. I feel worthless that he was able to drop me so easily since it was out of the blue. Idk how to move on from this situation since things now feel weird and awkward between us. I'm overthinking what I should do or say or text. Please help lol. (please read the context if possible)

CONTEXT BELOW:

My boyfriend of 4 years and I got into a disagreement the other day. Basically, I got upset about something and he tried to explain himself, but in that explanation I felt he was lying, so I hung up on him. He tried to text me but I was just rlly upset and wanted some space so I didn't respond. The next day I was feeling a little better, and decided that I wasn't going to throw my entire relationship away because of this small mishap. But when I tried calling him, he told me he thought we weren't good for each other and wanted to end the relationship.

We've been through a lot for the past 4 years and had a rocky start. He broke my trust severely a really long while back (7 years), but in the 4 years we've officially been together, he's been the best boyfriend anyone could ask for. I'm still struggling to get past my trust issues and insecurities that formed because of that past incident, which is why I tend to get upset over small things.

After that phone call, I went to his place so we can talk in person. He told me he was frustrated because he doesn't think we're growing/changing. We've had this issue about me getting upset and insecure and not trusting him for years. Along with that, we tend to neglect our responsibilities when we are with each other, and it is extremely unhealthy.

I was stressed out and begged him not to give up on us. I told him it wasn't fair since he never told me that my trust issues and explosions of anger made him that unhappy. I wished he told me how much it affected him beforehand so he'd give me the chance to change myself. In the end, he agreed to stay and told me I had to stop being so critical of him and stop scrutinizing his actions. He wanted me to stop being so concerned with him and looking at him so much, and instead look at myself and work/concentrate on bettering myself. And I promised I would.

The next day, I told him that I shouldn't have reacted the way I did because a relationship takes two. I asked one more time what he honestly wanted to do, and said whatever his decision is, I would accept. He told me he wanted to try again. I asked him why he would try to break up with me, and he said it was because he was scared we wouldn't work out. I asked how can we move on from this, and he said step by step.

Things are relatively quiet now, it's been 2 days since the incident. I feel like I just got shot, and now I'm trying to get back up and recuperate. I'm going to keep my promise and start working/concentrating on myself. I'm gonna stop obsessing over what he's doing, and force myself to not look at anything related to him whatsoever (activity/location). If I ever get the urge to see what he's doing, I will combat that by doing selfcare (shower/walk/drink tea/call a friend). I would also appreciate advice on what to do if I ever start to feel anxious about him.

Right now, for example, I am feeling quite anxious because he sent me a good morning message asking how I slept, and I replied but he has not yet responded to my reply and it's already the evening. This is a bit normal for us, but I'm getting particularly anxious right now. I'm thinking maybe he changed his mind about us trying again, or maybe that incident made him lose feelings for me or fall out of love with me. And perhaps he didn't realize it at the moment, but does now and doesn't know how to break it to me.

I wanna stop being concerned and anxious entirely, and just focus on myself like I promised. I want to learn how to do this, not only for him and the relationship, but also for myself.

[Jaunty]

I'm sorry, but I don't think it's  your partner's responsibility to explain to you that your "trust issues and explosions of anger" make him very unhappy.  Those are toxic things to bring to a relationship.

Surely you know this.  No doubt it's part of what you mean when you say you've "been trough a lot" over the past 4 years.   

You are responsible for yourself, and I bet you know what acceptable behavior is.  Explosions of anger are not acceptable behavior in healthy relationships.   This is not news to you - correct?

You need to get a therapist, NOW.  Your anxiety and obsessing need to NOT be played out in your relationship.  They are not your bf's problem.  Calming you down and reassuring you are not his jobs.  You need someone to help you learn how to deal with your anxiety - I don't think you're going to find that on this message board.

 

[Wiseman2]

29 minutes ago, deliriousdentrite said:

. I told him it wasn't fair since he never told me that my trust issues and explosions of anger made him that unhappy. 

The best thing you can do for yourself is see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

You mentioned a lot of mental health symptoms, start there. Don't go it alone. While self care is important, it's a temporary fix. 

It's important to get to the root of the "explosions of anger" rather than hope you can use willpower to change. 

It may or may not work out with him, but taking care of yourself and your physical and mental health is a win-win situation for you in the long run.

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, deliriousdentrite said:

or maybe that incident made him lose feelings for me or fall out of love with me.

It wouldn't be just that one incident, though. It would be a culmination of incidents like this over time, and you admit this is a pattern in your relationship. It is obvious that insecurity and "explosions of anger" damage a relationship and would make anyone unhappy, OP. He shouldn't have needed to spell that out for you. 

6 hours ago, deliriousdentrite said:

we tend to neglect our responsibilities when we are with each other, and it is extremely unhealthy.

What does this mean, exactly? What repsonsibilities do you both neglect when you're together? 

If the behaviour is this deeply-rooted in you, then distraction techniques are not going to be sufficient in addressing them. You could use the help of a good therapist. It's a positive step that you recognize you need to sort this out, but it remains to be seen whether it's too late for the relationship. It may be, which you will need to accept. It is his prerogative to call it a day if he is unhappy and wants out. 

For now, give him space. The dust has clearly not settled for him, and it would unrealistic to think things will go back to the way they were any time soon.  

[deliriousdentrite]

11 hours ago, Jaunty said:

You are responsible for yourself, and I bet you know what acceptable behavior is.  Explosions of anger are not acceptable behavior in healthy relationships.   This is not news to you - correct?

Everything you said is not news to me of course. I know that I am responsible for my own emotions. I did not include it in my post, but he has a huge habit of lying to me when he thinks I will react negatively. I've given him many chances to be more honest, but he still would lie here and there. This is what prevented me from actually healing from my trust issues (that he caused btw, as mentioned in the post). This is also why I reacted that way and hung up on him during the first argument mentioned.

There have been many times when I thought of ending things with him because he couldn't just be honest with me, but I kept holding on because I believe he can change for the better. The source of his lies are not because he's necessarily doing anything wrong, but moreso just behavior he's use to and has done ever since he was young to avoid trouble.

I am extremely self aware of my own flaws and I have put myself through *** for this man because I never wanted to give up on him. I lost my own self respect, I let myself be stepped on, let so many things slide, then berated myself for not trusting him. I questioned myself countless times in my head, "Why can't you just trust him?" and would speak to myself the same way you are speaking to me now.

But in the end, trust must be earned, right? Yes, I am responsible for my own actions but tell me, how do I feel safe and secure with a man who lies? Yes, I blame myself for everything. You seem to as well. But there's that small part of me that sometimes thinks this isn't my fault.

[deliriousdentrite]

11 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's important to get to the root of the "explosions of anger" rather than hope you can use willpower to change. 

Sorry if "explosions of anger" seemed a bit dramatic, but I just meant when he does something wrong towards me I tend to get upset, even if it was something he didn't mean to hurt me.

And the trust issues come from an incident in the past where he legitimately broke my trust.

I really don't think I have any serious mental health issues. But I would appreciate more clarity on what you meant by me mentioning "a lot of mental health symptoms". What exactly did I say to make you think there was something mentally wrong with me?

[Jibralta]

11 hours ago, deliriousdentrite said:

he's been the best boyfriend anyone could ask for.

Anyone? I don't know about that. Who would actually ask to have a liar for a boyfriend?

[harmony]

Yeah I'm just kinda confused about this big incident that you never got past. Do you mind clarifying what you never got past? because it could be that's the key here, that you're trying to overlook something that just can't be overlooked and it's making you miserable.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, deliriousdentrite said:

And the trust issues come from an incident in the past where he legitimately broke my trust.

Were you friends or FWB or dating when this betrayal occurred? If he's still lying even to avoid a blow-up unfortunately it's creating a catch-22 situation. Perhaps it's time to reevaluate how peaceful you feel in this relationship if you feel this incident was the root cause of the current issues and distress you're having.

[Jaunty]

If he lies to avoid an unpleasant reaction from you, that lying is on HIM and not you. 

That said, you have played a big part in creating this dynamic, if a bad scene from you is predictable if he tells you a truth that you don't like.

Open communication is only possible if the people involved both are on board with being respectful and trustworthy when it's time to talk about tough things.

You're backpedaling from "explosions of anger" but I will still refer to that:  It's a strong negative reaction and will really make healthy communication between a couple impossible.  

 

[bluecastle]

4 hours ago, harmony said:

I'm just kinda confused about this big incident that you never got past. Do you mind clarifying what you never got past?

I'm also curious about this. What happened 7 years ago that you guys haven't been able to resolve? And can you give some examples of the lies he has told that have upset you? 

From the outside, it seems you two have a very, very fraught dynamic. Whatever he did 7 years ago does not seem to have been forgiven, in earnest, either you forgiving him, him forgiving himself, or some combination. As such, you live in near constant fear of him being dishonest while he lives in near constant fear of how you might react to something, and those fears play off each other, tightening a knot you want to loosen. 

But without understanding these roots it's hard to offer much more advice. 

[tattoobunnie]

18 hours ago, deliriousdentrite said:

he never told me that my trust issues and explosions of anger made him that unhappy.

Try being accountable for your own actions.  Trust issues and explosions of anger is on you, and would upset anybody.  He isn't your punching bag.

[SooSad33]

8 hours ago, deliriousdentrite said:

Everything you said is not news to me of course. I know that I am responsible for my own emotions. I did not include it in my post, but he has a huge habit of lying to me when he thinks I will react negatively

I'd say he does this because he knows what's coming ... no good. Ends up affecting your trust again. ( so, none of this is good for you two) 😕 

8 hours ago, deliriousdentrite said:

There have been many times when I thought of ending things with him because he couldn't just be honest with me, but I kept holding on because I believe he can change for the better. The source of his lies are not because he's necessarily doing anything wrong, but moreso just behavior he's use to and has done ever since he was young to avoid trouble.

Okay, then this lying bit is on him.  My kid has a friend the same way, then, yes it affects a relationship.  Doesn't it?

 

8 hours ago, deliriousdentrite said:

I lost my own self respect, I let myself be stepped on, let so many things slide, then berated myself for not trusting him. I questioned myself countless times in my head, "Why can't you just trust him?"

IMO, this relationship is just unhealthy for the both of you.  He's feeling hounded by you and you simply cannot believe him. 😕 .  Then he's right, this will not improve.

 

 

[MissCanuck]

9 hours ago, deliriousdentrite said:

And the trust issues come from an incident in the past where he legitimately broke my trust.

Did he cheat on you?

[smackie9]

I think this would clear up if you both are able to sit down, express your feelings and resolve this thing from 7 years ago. Sounds to me you never got closure...to be satisfied he was remorseful, corrected his actions and grew from the experience. After 7 years, most people change and have moved on from it. If you keep holding it in, you will keep pushing him away with your resentment. So talk it out. 

[waffle]

12 hours ago, deliriousdentrite said:

Everything you said is not news to me of course. I know that I am responsible for my own emotions. I did not include it in my post, but he has a huge habit of lying to me when he thinks I will react negatively. I've given him many chances to be more honest, but he still would lie here and there. This is what prevented me from actually healing from my trust issues (that he caused btw, as mentioned in the post). This is also why I reacted that way and hung up on him during the first argument mentioned.

There have been many times when I thought of ending things with him because he couldn't just be honest with me, but I kept holding on because I believe he can change for the better. The source of his lies are not because he's necessarily doing anything wrong, but moreso just behavior he's use to and has done ever since he was young to avoid trouble.

I am extremely self aware of my own flaws and I have put myself through *** for this man because I never wanted to give up on him. I lost my own self respect, I let myself be stepped on, let so many things slide, then berated myself for not trusting him. I questioned myself countless times in my head, "Why can't you just trust him?" and would speak to myself the same way you are speaking to me now.

But in the end, trust must be earned, right? Yes, I am responsible for my own actions but tell me, how do I feel safe and secure with a man who lies? Yes, I blame myself for everything. You seem to as well. But there's that small part of me that sometimes thinks this isn't my fault.

Oh hell no.  

Definitely get yourself a mental health eval to see why you're desperately clinging to this man and this situation.