Feeling tortured by past relationship and what to do next?

[jack1434]

Hi everyone, 

I am looking for some help as to how to work out the next steps to my life after a very difficult period. I am still tortured by a break up with my ex around 7 months ago. I am sorry this is such a long story, I just feel I need to explain my issues properly and would be so grateful for your help.

I (32 M) met my ex girlfriend (27F) in late 2019 before the pandemic. When I met her I felt like I had discovered someone really special. She is incredibly kind, loving, intelligent and funny. We have similar backgrounds and values, have the same job and can effortlessly have fun and interesting conversation. In the time since, we have grown so close, travelling the world and having some unforgettable experiences. She was the best friend I have ever had. 

Around 6 months into the relationship, I noticed I became quite fixated with her physical flaws. This became something of an obsession for me, and tormented me whilst I was in the relationship. I found it impossible to be happy as I had a felt sense of something ‘not being right’, finding some of her facial features at times unattractive. However, I also fell in love with her deeply as a person and this only grew over time. She offered me such unconditional love and unwavering support. I have never met anyone with her unique combination of personality traits, and I longed to make things better and defeat the doubting thoughts. 

Over time I sought counselling around the relationship, but this did not seem to improve matters. After around 2.5 years, my inability to commit and background intermittent negativity about the relationship became too much for my girlfriend and she essentially gave me an ultimatum. Consumed with doubt, I painfully left the relationship, but felt no relief. I felt too guilty and shameful to go on any longer with the doubts, and felt she deserved better. I was extremely worried that I was going to waste her youth and never forgive myself for it.

Over the next few months, whilst living separately, the despair increased and we would alternately reach out to each other in an attempt to overcome these issues. However on each occasion we would meet up, despite my best efforts, the same obsessive thoughts took over and we have not talked for 6 weeks now. We both saw the foundations of such a fantastic relationship going to waste, and the sorrow was and continues to be overwhelming. 

I have a background of low mood, anxiety and possible OCD that I feel contributed to my fixation with the flaws in our relationship. I have read a lot into attachment styles and it seems that I would fulfil a lot of the characteristics of a fearful avoidant. It feels like I can’t be fully happy in the relationship but the alternative, being without her, is even more painful. 

I see a future where I will possibly (or maybe not) meet someone I find more conventionally attractive to me, but ultimately know that the importance of this fades and you are left with the personality long term. In this respect my ex girlfriend haunts me and I feel such sadness as to how I did not make it work. I know she would still take me back if I could make concrete commitments with enthusiasm. Yet… the underlying doubts remain.

My underlying fear is that I am going to regret this hugely, that she is going to meet someone else and I will never forgive myself for letting such a beautiful person go for such superficial reasons. I know many of you will say it went on for too long etc, but I have beat myself up for too long about it already. 

How I can overcome my shame, guilt and doubt about what I have done? Was this simply my biology proving a barrier to commitment or did my mental health issues and attachment style destroy a great relationship? Is there anyway I can defeat this and make the relationship work?

[Andrina]

15 minutes ago, jack1434 said:

How I can overcome my shame, guilt and doubt about what I have done?

You can start by realizing people are only human and make mistakes. I can't answer what else is at play as far as your psychology goes. 

Chemistry is a vital ingredient that was missing here, because if it was there, you wouldn't find her features off-putting. People who have everything, chemistry and an enjoyment of their partner's personality, plus sharing life goals and ethics, don't seem to have any issue with looks fading over time. Your theory: a person whose looks are subpar to you should be irrelevant because everyone gets older and less unattractive anyway, is a false theory. It doesn't work like that.

You've taken a lot longer to get over this because you've allowed contact, so can never get closure. You will have to go no contact for good, and realize you have done her a favor, even as it hurts the both of you right now.

I recommend a book of fiction I read, called The Librarian by Christy Sloat. Though it's fiction, it really is insightful about how we might fantasize that if we could go back in time and change decisions we once made, that the outcome would've been a beautiful fairy tale. But the reality is often the opposite, or far worse than what we'd imagined.

Learn to embrace whatever decisions you make so you can come to a sense of peace.  And learn to use the words in your head wisely, to make the reel in your brain work for you, not against you. You've use the word "tortured." Instead, you could retrain your brain to think, "I'm upset about the breakup, just as everyone is in a breakup. But I'll go through all the steps of mourning and healing so I can eventually move on, learning from it all."

Take care.

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, jack1434 said:

She was the best friend I have ever had. 

Yes, the best friend. With best friend you can have adventures and unforgetable experiences and feel close. But since there is no romantic attraction, you are friends, not lovers. Same in your case, you managed to hold on a relationship with her for quite some time. But since there is no attraction, it was doomed to fell apart. 

There are cases like that where it can work. For example there are people who just dont care about physical attributes that much. Or in a case of one "individual" I know, marry somebody like that to slave around home and take care of kids and then find a younger and pretty lover. 😑But, my brother in Christ, you said on the last thread that you are literally repulsed by her and her physical look. There is nothing to "save" there. Somebody else would maybe love her with her flaws or even despite of them. You just cant. And there stops any further discussion as you just cant love her as she is. So, its better for both of you that its over. In time you will forgive yourself and move on.

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, jack1434 said:

I know she would still take me back if I could make concrete commitments with enthusiasm.

How do you know this? Are you still communicating with her? 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, jack1434 said:

Around 6 months into the relationship, I noticed I became quite fixated with her physical flaws. This became something of an obsession for me, and tormented me whilst I was in the relationship. I found it impossible to be happy as I had a felt sense of something ‘not being right’, finding some of her facial features at times unattractive. However, I also fell in love with her deeply as a person and this only grew over time.

I had this sort of issue in an on again off again LTR in my 30s.  He actually was not attractive looking.  However I felt chemistry -I found that he sparkled -I mean that's the only way I can describe it - and while knowing he was not my type physically plus his facial features simply weren't that attractive to me -I got involved and I loved him and he loved me and wanted to marry me.  I too would become fixated at times.  But what I realized later -those fixations -it's simply a symptom of a bad match chemistry wise - we simply didn't click enough to go the distance. And honestly when I had space finally after the final breakup I realized that we just weren't comfortable enough around each other -I mean literally I would find conversations forced too much of the time or feel awkward.

I didnt' feel at home and it wasn't because of his face -I mean sometimes when I fixated obviously it also affected my comfort level but separately our personalities just didn't mesh enough.

Please don't beat yourself up.  You know what -I bet even if she told you that on her own she wanted plastic surgery and all of a sudden her face would be your "type" I have a feeling you'd still have core-shaking doubts.  I'm sorry.

(Oh and my ex married a very attractive woman around 3 years after we broke up - I really don't know at all about the health of their relationship but I met them one time together and I mean they seemed in love/attracted).  

[Jaunty]

You need to give yourself permission to require physical attraction in a romantic / intimate relationship.  That's not wrong.

What is wrong is to stay with someone when you are aware of being fixated on how unattractive you find them.   This woman does deserve to be free to find love with a man who will appreciate all her great qualities that you also recognize, and at the same time, finds her physically attractive.

People who are not objectively beautiful still inspire physical attraction in others all the time.  Who knows how or why that works; I tend to chalk it up to "chemistry."

If you think that OCD is standing in your way because you cannot overlook imperfections in a partner's appearance, then you can get some help for that.   In the meanwhile, though, don't stay with a woman when you outright find her unattractive.  

[bluecastle]

Sorry for the troubles. 

Echoing others, I think you're making something simple far more complicated than it needs to be. In short, you didn't find her attractive, didn't have the physical chemistry that you long for (understandably) in a romantic partner. This doesn't make you a monster, or superficial, but simply human. If you can take that as a lesson here (that you've learned something crucial you need for romance) rather than as some personal flaw (that you messed up) perhaps you can start letting go of the angst.

Per that, I'd encourage you to create a new loop to spin around inside for a bit. Try replacing "quite fixated with her physical flaws" with "quite aware of the lack of physical chemistry" and see if that helps with shedding guilt and finding some self-forgiveness. Seems more accurate from the bleacher seats, all in all, since all of us humans have different lenses. What is scorching hot to me might be pure meh to you, and vise versa. It's not about flaws vs flawlessness, in short, but individual ecosystems.  

All relationships are, in a sense, an experiment conducted with a degree of blindness, since no human being ever knows themselves (their needs, their wants) fully. You gave this one a very fair shot. Ultimately, you realized you couldn't be the person she deserves and that you want to be with and alongside another person. Realizing that, you made a brave and hard choice—to end it, so you can each have room to find something with sturdier legs. That's all really good stuff. Hard and painful, no doubt, but also good. 

[jack1434]

Thanks so much for your replies everyone

I think much of the pain comes from the fact that sometimes I would find her attractive and could see her beautiful features so clearly. I have hundreds of photos of her where I think she looks completely gorgeous. Then at other times, depending on angles, lighting, make up etc I would see her as very much being unattractive and this would send me into a spiral. All whilst in the background loving her more and more everyday for the person she is. I feel completely comfortable with her and love being around her.

This just leaves me with a sense of utter confusion.

Maybe it could be a chemistry thing as some have pointed out. I can't help feeling though that sometimes feeling completely and unconditionally loved for some people feels too comfortable and kills the chemistry. I hope I'm not one of this people. My last girlfriend I had no problems with the physical appearance but I felt she was not not trust worthy and cold, feeling anxious rather than avoidant as have in this relationship.

I think I potentially have developed a sense that people who I find conventionally very attractive often have flaws such as being self absorbed and vain. Although this can't be true for every woman I just have my experiences to go on!

[jack1434]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

How do you know this? Are you still communicating with her? 

When we last spoke several weeks ago she reiterated that all she wants from me is proper commitment and that if she truly felt this she would love more than anything to go into the future with me as a team. Obviously things could have changed since but my feeling is if I truly convinced myself and her of this it could still happen 

[catfeeder]

29 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

Try replacing "quite fixated with her physical flaws" with "quite aware of the lack of physical chemistry" and see if that helps ... What is scorching hot to me might be pure meh to you, and vise versa. It's not about flaws vs flawlessness, in short, but individual ecosystems.

Yep, this sounds like a good exercise for your OCD, Jack. Sure, that may be one driver behind your difficulties, but not in the way you suspect. You believed that it was your barrier to finding contentment, even while it was your guard rail against trying to force a fit with the wrong puzzle piece. 

You've latched onto the narrative that someone with the most rare and fabulous qualities MUST be the right fit. Why not challenge that assumption? Think of all of the wonderful teachers and coworkers and fellow travelers you've stumbled across already in your lifetime. Why would you feel guilty and ashamed for not making each of them into your mate?

It's the same scenario in this case, only you didn't allow for the key barrier to be physical attraction rather than age or position or gender or any other unconscious guard rail.

We're each allowed our private deal-breakers, and physical attraction is as valid as any other. Take from this experience that we can't force a 'good' fit with the wrong match, no matter how fabulous a person they might otherwise be.

This is your lesson on allowing for wrong matches to pass early, and you can make this a brutal experience that's the opposite of self-affirming, and you can use it to drill yourself into a deeper hole to climb out of, OR, you can allow for discomfort to be a mild but valid caution and grow more confident in your picking-skills from the lesson as you navigate your future.

You get to decide. Head high!

[catfeeder]

17 minutes ago, jack1434 said:

When we last spoke several weeks ago she reiterated that all she wants from me is proper commitment and that if she truly felt this she would love more than anything to go into the future with me as a team. Obviously things could have changed since but my feeling is if I truly convinced myself and her of this it could still happen 

Staaap the contact. Trust what you know and allow her to move forward. Do that for her, even at the expense of feeling lousy about it.

From there you'll be liberated to focus on how you want to frame this outcome. You can use it to poison yourself and harm your future, or you can use it to confirm for yourself that you will not settle for an imbalanced relationship that does not honor your own internal voice.

[bluecastle]

14 minutes ago, jack1434 said:

I think I potentially have developed a sense that people who I find conventionally very attractive often have flaws such as being self absorbed and vain.

This is pretty common, by which I mean: It's pretty common to have a bad experience with anything and then paint it all with a broad brushstroke. Say I eat a hamburger and feel awful afterward. I may "swear off" burgers for a while, and come to believe burgers are "bad for me." In reality, however, probably a number of factors went into that bad burger experience: lack of exercise, the specifics of the restaurant, whatever, and in time I come to understand that I love burgers, just not at that one place, and with some other factors at play. 

I offer that loopy analogy to try to encourage a less binary mode of thinking about all this. Like the narrative of: the deeper the love, the less the chemistry. That's 90s sitcom stuff to a degree—a very rigid story that removes all of the nuance that makes people and connections so wonderful (and occasionally so frustrating and devastating!), to say nothing of training yourself to believe that deep love and fuego chemistry can't coexist (oh, they can!).  

From the outside, it seems that maybe you were keen to give this a go because she was so different than other people you'd been with prior. You did some math that perhaps looked like: Hot + great chemistry = self-absorbed and untrustworthy, so maybe less hot + lukewarm chemistry (+ all the wonderful attributes) = what I really want. My take on that is throw out the Sharpie and whiteboard and take this chapter as life nudging you to listen to—and to trust—the spot where mind and body are connected. It's a hard spot to access, and it's experiences like the ones you've described that help us tune into its pitch.

 

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

I think I potentially have developed a sense that people who I find conventionally very attractive often have flaws such as being self absorbed and vain.

Interesting how you write this in the passive voice.  Is it really true that "I find people who most see as "hot" typically are self-absorbed and vain."  Or are you sort of being super-tentative to avoid what is really true "I make too many assumptions about a person based on looks and because I'm narrow minded I chose a woman who was not conventionally attractive because I assumed that meant she had more depth."

I've known many many people who look hot and are lovely on the inside too.  I've known many people who are not conventionally attractive at all and they attract people like magnets -it's incredible.  And for the right reasons.  Also let's say you dated someone with a really bumpy nose that detracted from her being conventionally attractive -then she got a nose job - would you be worried that she'd then become self-absorbed and vain? 

[Cherylyn]

Don't fault yourself for not being completely attracted to her despite her personality and character.  You have every right to shop around and wait until the next woman checks all the boxes for you.  It's better for both of you not to waste time and energy on each other.  Even though she is willing to take you back,  it would be unfair to her because you won't be completely satisfied with her regarding her physical appearance. 

Life is full of regrets.  You either allow those regrets to eat you alive or you can think more positively and strive for whatever you're looking for in a person or endeavors.  Keep moving forward.

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, Cherylyn said:

It's better for both of you not to waste time and energy on each other.  ... you won't be completely satisfied with her regarding her physical appearance. 

Yes, and, you don't even know whether that's the entire reason you were turned off by her. Looks may have presented as the most obvious, but we can't always know WHY we can't get the right spark for another.

I've been super-crazy-attracted to certain teachers, bosses and other authority figures who would gross out my friends, and I've been ultra-turned off by some of the very men my friends would fawn all over.

It's not a personality defect to recognize that someone who is perfect on paper doesn't turn you on. We each have unique ways of translating chemistry. When those ways don't align with another's, it makes no senes to fault ourselves for that. It means that the right match for us is simply not them.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, jack1434 said:

   6 months into the relationship, I noticed I became quite fixated with her physical flaws. This became something of an obsession for me, and tormented me whilst I was in the relationship. 

You may be unhappy with anyone unless you address the "low mood, anxiety and possible OCD". 

You seem to have insight that this isn't about her or her objective beauty. 

See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

The reason being is you have identified some mental health symptoms including body dysmorphia by proxy. (google it)

That means you may find fault in this one the next one, etc. because you'll take the issues with you unless you address the underlying cause of distress.

Is this the same woman?: 

 

[TheCrow]

12 hours ago, jack1434 said:

Hi everyone, 

I am looking for some help as to how to work out the next steps to my life after a very difficult period. I am still tortured by a break up with my ex around 7 months ago. I am sorry this is such a long story, I just feel I need to explain my issues properly and would be so grateful for your help.

I (32 M) met my ex girlfriend (27F) in late 2019 before the pandemic. When I met her I felt like I had discovered someone really special. She is incredibly kind, loving, intelligent and funny. We have similar backgrounds and values, have the same job and can effortlessly have fun and interesting conversation. In the time since, we have grown so close, travelling the world and having some unforgettable experiences. She was the best friend I have ever had. 

Around 6 months into the relationship, I noticed I became quite fixated with her physical flaws. This became something of an obsession for me, and tormented me whilst I was in the relationship. I found it impossible to be happy as I had a felt sense of something ‘not being right’, finding some of her facial features at times unattractive. However, I also fell in love with her deeply as a person and this only grew over time. She offered me such unconditional love and unwavering support. I have never met anyone with her unique combination of personality traits, and I longed to make things better and defeat the doubting thoughts. 

Over time I sought counselling around the relationship, but this did not seem to improve matters. After around 2.5 years, my inability to commit and background intermittent negativity about the relationship became too much for my girlfriend and she essentially gave me an ultimatum. Consumed with doubt, I painfully left the relationship, but felt no relief. I felt too guilty and shameful to go on any longer with the doubts, and felt she deserved better. I was extremely worried that I was going to waste her youth and never forgive myself for it.

Over the next few months, whilst living separately, the despair increased and we would alternately reach out to each other in an attempt to overcome these issues. However on each occasion we would meet up, despite my best efforts, the same obsessive thoughts took over and we have not talked for 6 weeks now. We both saw the foundations of such a fantastic relationship going to waste, and the sorrow was and continues to be overwhelming. 

I have a background of low mood, anxiety and possible OCD that I feel contributed to my fixation with the flaws in our relationship. I have read a lot into attachment styles and it seems that I would fulfil a lot of the characteristics of a fearful avoidant. It feels like I can’t be fully happy in the relationship but the alternative, being without her, is even more painful. 

I see a future where I will possibly (or maybe not) meet someone I find more conventionally attractive to me, but ultimately know that the importance of this fades and you are left with the personality long term. In this respect my ex girlfriend haunts me and I feel such sadness as to how I did not make it work. I know she would still take me back if I could make concrete commitments with enthusiasm. Yet… the underlying doubts remain.

My underlying fear is that I am going to regret this hugely, that she is going to meet someone else and I will never forgive myself for letting such a beautiful person go for such superficial reasons. I know many of you will say it went on for too long etc, but I have beat myself up for too long about it already. 

How I can overcome my shame, guilt and doubt about what I have done? Was this simply my biology proving a barrier to commitment or did my mental health issues and attachment style destroy a great relationship? Is there anyway I can defeat this and make the relationship work?

You simply didn't fancy her. And weren't in love. Sorry man but it's as simple as this..what you do next is up to you but trust me on this: do not ever settle..

[jack1434]

Thank you so much again for your replies. I'm so grateful for your thoughts and time.

 

15 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Think of all of the wonderful teachers and coworkers and fellow travelers you've stumbled across already in your lifetime

I hear what you are saying. I have sometimes thought that I was forcing a 'square peg into a round hole'. However, I think part of the issue is that I have put my ex on a pedestal, whereby I honestly think she is the best person I have met throughout my life time so far. In terms of values, kindness, fun, interests. The only sticking point being that I SOMETIMES find her unattractive with other times seeing her beauty and fancying her! I think it is because everything was SO close to perfection, that it is so difficult to move on, knowing full well that someone else is going to come across her and realise what a gem they have found. 

 

15 hours ago, bluecastle said:

so maybe less hot + lukewarm chemistry (+ all the wonderful attributes) = what I really want. My take on that is throw out the Sharpie and whiteboard and take this chapter as life nudging you to listen to—and to trust—the spot where mind and body are connected.

 

Yes I think this may well have happened. I guess my concern is how many people actually get hot + sizzling chemistry + all wonderful attributes when my experience to this date is that I have not met anyone I feel that for (always one of the these areas seem to be a compromise). Even looking at my friends partners, I sense that best looking often have their drawbacks personality wise. 

 

15 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I chose a woman who was not conventionally attractive because I assumed that meant she had more depth."

I think she would be considered conventionally attractive by most people, and looks beautiful at times. I worry that I have maybe just picked her looks/flaws apart. I overanalysed it to a point where now I'm not even sure what I think.

 

14 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

You have every right to shop around and wait until the next woman checks all the boxes for you. 

 

There is a concern that I might be holding out for perfection, when at the end of the day, this is not real AND the other person has to feel this way for me too. Maybe I have a lack of confidence that I can achieve this and my ex feels like safety. Would I rather spend another 20 years searching for perfection or go with an amazing person who loves me dearly, maybe in a few years physical appearance is going to go down in importance of my list of boxes.

 

8 hours ago, TheCrow said:

Sorry man but it's as simple as this..what you do next is up to you but trust me on this: do not ever settle..

 

Does everyone settle to a certain extent, as they get older? As I progress through my 30's I do worry as my friends all get married and have children I'm getting left behind and the dating pool is starting to diminish. 

 

I guess within the relationship you do have to have a feeling that everything is right in order to progress. In this case, it has always just been a conflict between knowing whether this is just me sabotaging the relationship with criticism, or whether this is the 'inner nudge' that someone described above. 

[Wiseman2]

21 hours ago, jack1434 said:

. I am still tortured by a break up with my ex around 7 months ago

This is great insight. It seems this has nothing to do with her or her looks,  but something gnawing inside yourself. It may sound trite but, if you're not happy with yourself you won't be satisfied by anyone.

[Batya33]

Are you truly expecting sizling hot chemistry and desire 99.9% of the time or is it that when you find her unattractive you rationalize that of course you can't expect to be at "hot" for her all the time? If the former -yes it's possible (no we don't have that, no I never expected to feel sizzing hot rip your clothes off attraction for my spouse all the time/no I did not settle at all because I never looked for that level of constant chemistry in a long term relationship/marriage.  ).

If the latter it's kind of a silly comparison - you feel panicky and shook up when you find her unattractive and it's too much of the time for your comfort level. 

The other issue is you've put her on a pedestal so it feels like it all comes crashing down.  I don't think pedestal like that is healthy, sustainable or desired by most people (meaning the person who is on the pedestal). 

I admire my husband a great deal and at the same time I don't regard him on a pedestal or as "perfect" and he wouldn't want me to. 

Typically putting someone on a pedestal in a marriage/LTR is not because the person is perfect but because you are insecure about deserving the person. 

I mean -in daily life -if your partner comes to you for advice about a friend or a work situation she wants you to be objective if you can and if she's on a pedestal you're going to default to "you're perfect/the other person is wrong of course/tell them they better do X to keep you because you're better than they're ever going to find" etc.  

You have to figure out what your musts are for an LTR for you to feel reasonably excited and sure. Where any doubts are resolvable or temporary.  Not core-shaking.  She might be a gem and not perfect for you.  It's an individual list -for some the sex has to be great, for others there's a specific physical type that's a dealbreaker (or a must) and for others looks are way down on the list after personality, education values, financial values, etc - no judgments here. 

But when you find yourself doing the hyperbolic "nobody has sizzling hot chemistry alllll the time" to me that's a bad way to choose a mate -rationalizing and generalizing rather than blunt self-honesty means settling or a risk of settling.  

[catfeeder]

5 hours ago, jack1434 said:

I think it is because everything was SO close to perfection, that it is so difficult to move on, knowing full well that someone else is going to come across her and realise what a gem they have found. 

Wul, c'mOn, Jack. She's not a possession. She's not your thing to guard.

This is something to work out with a therapist. 

[catfeeder]

5 hours ago, jack1434 said:

I guess my concern is how many people actually get hot + sizzling chemistry + all wonderful attributes when my experience to this date is that I have not met anyone I feel that for (always one of the these areas seem to be a compromise). Even looking at my friends partners, I sense that best looking often have their drawbacks personality wise. 

Some people spend their entire lives seeking the right person. So it only makes sense that if you haven't found the right chemistry with anyone yet, that's why you haven't settled for anyone yet.

Everyone has flaws, everyone is perfectly imperfect. We each have unique value, and we each have a unique lens through which we view others. So the goal is to keep meeting people until we strike simpatico with the right person for US. That doesn't mean 'mass appeal to everyone'.

When you see flaws in another person's partner, it means--good! They each found the right person for THEM. Why would you feel discouraged by that?

[catfeeder]

5 hours ago, jack1434 said:

I worry that I have maybe just picked her looks/flaws apart. I overanalysed it to a point where now I'm not even sure what I think.

It doesn't really matter. Even if she were perfect and you imagined flaws that weren't really there, no matter how you slice it, you were UNREADY with her.

Even if you could identify one specific thing, like a mole on her cheek, that sent you spinning over a lack of attraction, and you find out in 5 years that she had the mole removed, that wouldn't change the fact that you were not attracted to her.

So stop spinning. That won't change the results.

[catfeeder]

5 hours ago, jack1434 said:

Would I rather spend another 20 years searching for perfection or go with an amazing person who loves me dearly, maybe in a few years physical appearance is going to go down in importance of my list of boxes.

This is myopic thinking; these are not your only two options. If imperfection is your real barrier, then instead of searching for perfection for 20 years, why not seek instead the kind of professional work with a therapist who can help you resolve the barrier, instead?

 

[Cherylyn]

8 hours ago, jack1434 said:

There is a concern that I might be holding out for perfection, when at the end of the day, this is not real AND the other person has to feel this way for me too. Maybe I have a lack of confidence that I can achieve this and my ex feels like safety. Would I rather spend another 20 years searching for perfection or go with an amazing person who loves me dearly, maybe in a few years physical appearance is going to go down in importance of my list of boxes.

 

 

If you're insecure about what you want and your future,  you might as well not waste her time and energy.  Release her so you can sort out your own thoughts no matter how it transpires in the future. 

Her physical appearance will bother you and give you doubts.  No sense hanging onto her when she can be with someone else who doesn't care about what she looks like. 

It's a great big world out there.  You could very well find a woman who has good character and the type of physical appearance you prefer.