Should We Break Up So I Can Flirt with The Other Guy?

[PixieManiac]

Hi everyone.

My boyfriend (27) and I (30) have been together a little less than a year. Everything started out so well, but here’s the story. He is white and im black. That will come into play later. 

We met online and because he lived only a few states away, we met and officially started dating. I was thrilled to just have someone and he was perfect. Respectful, kind, a gentleman. We spent a week together and I genuinely felt happy for the first time in a long time and I felt like this guy was it. He was the one.

The two of us talked about all of our plans. He was in school and planning to go into a certain field, he wanted to move here and go to one of the schools here to finish his degree. 
Fast forward a few months, I have a major medical procedure. It was an emergency and he was with me (from a distance) the whole time. About 6 months I had a very serious medical issue. He made me feel beautiful every single day. 
A few months ago, he came back to visit and it could be my medical issues or something else entirely, but I felt different. He felt more clingy. He seemed less willing to accept when I was uncomfortable even though he would apologize profusely if I brought it up. He seemed less mature and less respectful. My family isn’t by any means perfect, but I didn’t expect him to curse like a sailor and tell dirty jokes around my mom and sister. I eventually had to politely ask him not to. 
I didn’t want to kiss him and I didn’t feel comfortable. But once he went back home, I felt the space and again I felt like this guy was the one.

Now, he has a new job, he’s no longer in school, no clue if he still intends to go back or go into the field he wanted to. He loves his new job, but if we were to stay together, I would have to move. I had no intention of doing that. I also found out that a coworker of his frequently uses the N word, hard R regularly. And they work together a LOT. Now, I don’t know how these convos go, but I would immediately ask for a different partner or report him for using slurs, but he hasn’t and probably won’t.

On top of this, I am feeling the worst I’ve ever felt mentally and I barely hear from him. He works so much and I had to almost break up with him for him to see that im still here. 
 

On the other hand, I have a guy friend who is super nice, also works a lot, but tends to respond anytime he’s able to. I’ve known him longer than my boyfriend and he is also closer (one state away, about 2 hours in distance) and I adore him. He’s not perfect, but he makes me feel better. 
 

My boyfriend isn’t a bad guy. He’s supportive, helpful, always listens and my family loves him, but im feeling a little less love towards him than I did before.

Logic says break up with him and see where the other road goes, but I don’t think it would be that simple and I’m scared. Im scared of what he might do, im scared of losing security. Im scared of once again having a future without someone. 
 

Any advice would be much appreciated.

[Cherylyn]

He curses like a sailor and tells dirty jokes around your mom and sister.  You had to politely ask him not to.  This guy is NOT the one!

He's with a co-worker who frequently uses the N and R words regularly.  This co-worker is a very bad influence and he should've asked for a different partner or report him for slurs.  I agree.  And he won't?  That is alarming indeed.

Listen to logic and break up with him.  Don't be scared.  To the contrary, you should be scared if you're stuck with him.  You need to break free.  You would be more insecure with him than without.  He sounds like a jerk to be quite honest.  You would have a better future with a man who knows how to treat everyone with respect --especially you.  He is NOT the one.  He's a dud.

[Wiseman2]

30 minutes ago, PixieManiac said:

, I am feeling the worst I’ve ever felt mentally and I barely hear from him. He works so much and I had to almost break up with him for him to see that im still here. 

There seems to be too many logistical challenges and too many incompatibilities to make this work. You're unhappy with the situation.

Why not free yourself so you can start talking to and meeting local, available, compatible men? 

LDRs are inherently difficult so even without the incompatibly, it would be frustrating to maintain.

[Kwothe28]

51 minutes ago, PixieManiac said:

On the other hand, I have a guy friend who is super nice, also works a lot, but tends to respond anytime he’s able to. I’ve known him longer than my boyfriend and he is also closer (one state away, about 2 hours in distance) and I adore him. He’s not perfect, but he makes me feel better. 

Translation: I already found him a replacement and now I am picking him apart so I would have a reason to break up. Childish and immature. If you want to break up and date somebody else, do just that. Just dont think you are ready for anything serious when you act like that. The  pattern of choosing long distance relationships also shows it.

[MissCanuck]

58 minutes ago, PixieManiac said:

But once he went back home, I felt the space and again I felt like this guy was the one.

No. This guy is really not the one if you need space in the relationship to desire him. 

59 minutes ago, PixieManiac said:

im scared of losing security. Im scared of once again having a future without someone.

These are not good reasons to stay with someone you're not that into. You like the idea of having a boyfriend more than you actually like him as a person. It's time to let him go. 

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, PixieManiac said:

My boyfriend isn’t a bad guy. He’s supportive, helpful, always listens and my family loves him, but im feeling a little less love towards him than I did before.

That to me is not the standard to be with someone.  And you're going on feelings -feelings wane and strengthen but loving is giving -like he gave to you when you were ill. I think you're looking for reasons to end it -the other guy and the racist issues at his work -which are awful but .... it's his work and if he's not contributing to it -that's his choice.

Certainly staying silent as your bf is is a choice too but when it comes to work sometimes you have to put your head down and work till you can find something better - I endured and was privvy to various forms of discrimination at work directed towards me and others and I wasn't the whistleblower except one instance where I was mocked and heckled by an employee for moving too slowly -he didn't know I was pregnant and exhausted .  Had HR decided not to speak to him I would have gone about my day. 

It's awful to hear what you described above.  Awful! But he is his own person and it is his workplace and no you can't micromanage his reaction even though you are Black. I'm really sorry.

As far as the man you are flirting with - I mean he doesn't sound right for you either- it sounds like he's a puppy you're thinking of adopting because it's more convenient than the puppy you do have who makes messes.  Still I'd end it with a person you're keeping around as a security blanket.  

[PixieManiac]

Thank you all so much for your replies. I had a long conversation with my mom about it and after many tears, I think I’ve made a decision to take a break. My mental health is really bad right now and I don’t want that to determine how I feel about him. I may need to talk with him and see if things can change and if they can’t, then that’ll be what I need to make a final decision. 

[SooSad33]

19 hours ago, PixieManiac said:

On top of this, I am feeling the worst I’ve ever felt mentally and I barely hear from him. He works so much and I had to almost break up with him for him to see that im still here. 
 

On the other hand, I have a guy friend who is super nice, also works a lot, but tends to respond anytime he’s able to. I’ve known him longer than my boyfriend and he is also closer (one state away, about 2 hours in distance) and I adore him. He’s not perfect, but he makes me feel better. 
 

My boyfriend isn’t a bad guy. He’s supportive, helpful, always listens and my family loves him, but im feeling a little less love towards him than I did before.

I say go for it.

BUT, I also feel YOU should focus on your own 'mental health' first, before you plan on anything re: this new interest.  Or you may just end up feeling too overwhelmed & messed up even more in due time 😕 .

As for your present bf, I don't see that working, as by sounds of it, you've emotionally checked out and I do not think you truly 'love' him. ( since you've got your eyes on someone else already).  It has been less than a year and although he's got some pleasantries, he's not for you.

[lostandhurt]

I totally agree with Kwothe28.  Don't swing from one limb to the next.

Break up with him because it is not working out, not because you have something better possibly lined up.  What happens when some new "friend" comes into your life?  Will you suddenly start finding issues with the new bf and cut him loose for the new guy?

 Break up with your bf and spend some time figuring out what the type of person you want in your life then begin dating but date close to home instead of long distance all the time.

It seems like you use the distance like a shield to protect yourself...

 Lost

[greendots]

You cannot change people. You either accept them for who they are now (as in the present) or you don't. In other words, would you be able to live with your boyfriend's current flaws?

When you accept someone as they are, you are so aware of their flaws that you are able to work with them. Rather than getting frustrated by them. And since you chose to accept them as they are, it's your responsibility to manage how you deal with their flaws. But if your boyfriend has flaws that you couldn't tolerate at all, then best to let him go.

Even some of the nicest people on earth have flaws that we can't stand at all. And that's okay. They just aren't suited for us.

[smackie9]

Your BF HAS made changes....for the worst. Some people put on their best behaviour at the beginning saying all the right things, painting a perfect future together....BUT eventually they start to show their true selves and become something different. Whatever mental/physical health issues you are going through are not being helped with him being in the picture.

Your mom is right you need to take a break. Stop using relationships as an emotional crutch...that's called codependency, and that's where you will get yourself into unhealthy situations. Clear your head, get physically and mentally healthy before dating again.