I can't forget a crush my boyfriend had

[ratorade]

My boyfriend and I are together since 3 years now and I feel like we are pretty solid, we have our issues but who doesn't? 
We live appart like 6 hours by car away from each other and are both studying at university (different ones since we are not in the same city). 

A year ago approximately was our first year of uni away and we both make some friends. Since the beginning of uni he started talking to me about a girl, that she was great and all and assured me that he wasn't attracted and so on.

Months after that he proceed to tell me that he have a crush on her. I was in a really bad place at the time, mental health issue, friendships falling appart, my study field which was a huge disillusion and so on. I know it's not an excuse but when he told me that he had a crush on his closest friend, that he was basically seeing and talking to everyday, sharing his daily life with whereas I was miles away from him, I felt so overwhelmed I shut the conversation and asked for a break saying i couldn't handle that at the moment. 

We ended up not being able to bear the break and  ended it 2 days after that. 

I felt unsecure after that since he was still hanging out with her, never alone though, talking with her... I didn't want to ask him to cut her off because i felt like he should be able to behave and if not then i would break up and the story was done. 
Our relationship got better after that, we were sharing a lot, expressing our feelings, our love for each other. Everything was great. 
Until... 3 month ago he tells me he likes her again, he have desire for her and so on. Out of nowhere. He proceed to explain how he felt like we weren't communicating, when he was saying he loved me almost every day, that I was the love of his life! I felt so blindsided i just went quiet, not understanding what happened.

After that i can't trust him, i feel like is attraction for her is just too strong and i feel like ***, like I'm not enough even though he choose to stay together i just feel worthless. 
Now i can't imagine building a life with him even if i deeply love him I'm just kind of shut down. 
The girl in question is now in a relationship with his bestfriend from uni (who knows all about this crush) so there is no way something would happen between them but it's not even that the problem for me, it's my bf feeling. It just hurt me so much. 
We talked about it a lot and i told him how i didn't know if i could get through that, forget and forgive him. He felt sad and was truly comprehensive but i feel like nothing is enough. I always come back to this story. I can't pass through it. 
I don't know what to do.. Please help me, how to get over it? 

TL;DR: My bf got a crush on a close friend of his twice and i don't know how to get over it

[Kwothe28]

If he has a crush on her he is free to explore that. Just without you in the picture. Because its direspectful to you that he is with you. While he likes somebody else. And to even tell you that in the open? You should  have left him at the spot never to look back again. 

This whole thing is messy. He is with you but likes somebody else. His best friend is with that somebody even though he knows your bf likes her. And wouldnt be suprised she knows that too. You should just remove yourself from all that mess. It doesnt do you any good nore to your mental health. Leave all that mess and work on yourself. You deserve better then somebody who would openly tell you he likes somebody else while he is with you.

[Andrina]

In telling you this, he doesn't really care that you may walk away, and actually is probably hoping you will because he's too cowardly to make a clean break from you himself.

If he were serious about longterm with you, he would've had the maturity to put up boundaries and not be best buddies with female he has a crush on. He hasn't ended that friendship, nor distanced himself enough so that he thought of her as just another platonic friend, so he values her over you.

It's not uncommon for young people to want to have a lot dating experiences before ultimately settling down. That's what's happening here. 

For your own good, I'd make a clean break and go no contact. A hard thing to do since you've been in daily contact for 3 years, but the faster you go cold turkey, the faster you will be able to heal and move on. Take care.

[Cherylyn]

Your boyfriend is whack. 

You need to be with the type of man who honors you,  who has his whole heart for you and puts you on a pedestal in his heart with all sincerity.  Any other type of man is a real deal breaker. 

Set your standards higher. 

You get over it by knowing you deserve to be treated with utmost respect and consideration.  Anyone less is not worthy in your life.  You deserve to be treated with honor and a man who is honorable in the first place.  You get over it by valuing integrity above all else and making sure your principles are steadfast,  unwavering and absolute. 

Shop around.

[SooSad33]

I say be done with him now. No one needs to feel second best 😕 .

YOU deserve someone who is into ONLY you, totally.  Sadly, it may be that he has turned to her, being closer to her in his surroundings, a little too much! Either way, it shows you that his eyes & attention has strayed, I'm sorry for your hurt 😕 .

This is where YOU learn your own self worth & self respect.

Be strong and be done now.  He needs to work on himself a little and grow up.

[smackie9]

This is where you make your decision to end it. You really can't make this go away any other way.

[MissCanuck]

This relationship has run its course, OP. 

He isn't invested in you anymore, and his interest is with someone else. Even if nothing ever happens with her, your boyfriend just doesn't ave the right feelings for you any longer. That is how you know it's time to end it. He's checked out, and you deserve a man who is into you and nobody else. 

[poorlittlefish]

Your boyfriend is 6 hours away, so he's going to do whatever he's going to do with this other girl (and has likely already done it), because he's not going to be caught.  He's told you to your face that he desires her, so he's making it clear that he no longer cares about you or your relationship.  Leave him to it and go find yourself a better guy who's much closer to home.

[ratorade]

Hey, 

I've read all of your responses and I'm shocked, I didn't excpeted everyone to tell me to dump him.

I feel like it is pretty normal to have crush when your in a relationship, that is fine. But yes here the problem is how my bf handle things... It was clearly ***ty and nor respectful of me. Seeing your text made me feel pretty dumb for staying with him but at the same time I truly believe he loves me and does want to screw things over between us. 

His crush is over now, or so he said, tbh I don't trust him but it is what it is. I want to be done with all this story I just don't know how and it feels like maybe I never will. But the things is that my bf is gonna do a break from his degree for a year to be in the same city as me, we're planning on moving in together. That is also why I cannot break up with him. He is stopping school for me, for a year. It would be ***ty to break things of now plus I want to give him a last chance. 

I cannot wrap my head around us beeing over. So... Any advice to move on? 

Also thanks a lot for all your support! 

[boltnrun]

You said three months ago he told you he still has a "crush" on her.  Now you're saying this:

2 hours ago, ratorade said:

His crush is over now, or so he said,

Which is it?

2 hours ago, ratorade said:

my bf is gonna do a break from his degree for a year to be in the same city as me, we're planning on moving in together. That is also why I cannot break up with him.

Um, yes you can.  You're going to stay in this relationship because he might be coming back for a year?  What if he doesn't?  Or what if he does but he keeps spending time with the other girl?

[MsAin1st]

Why would you move in with someone you don’t trust? Also, what happens after a year is done?

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, ratorade said:

I'm shocked, I didn't excpeted everyone to tell me to dump him.

Probably because most of us are older and more experienced, and know when we see a relationship that isn't going to work. 

Crushes come and go. But he felt so strongly about her that he actually told you about her. That is how you know his feelings for you just aren't the same anymore. His crush being "over" isn't going to change that. 

It's hard to admit to yourself, I realize, but this isn't a question of you finding a way to move past the pain and trust him again. It's going to be about you understanding what all of this means for his feelings for you, and the fact that his heart and mind are not with you the same way anymore. Moving in together is a really bad idea. You two don't have a solid enough relationship any longer to support that, and you stand to get even more hurt when the end finally comes. 

 

[Andrina]

5 hours ago, ratorade said:

But the things is that my bf is gonna do a break from his degree for a year to be in the same city as me, we're planning on moving in together. That is also why I cannot break up with him. He is stopping school for me, for a year.

If you care in the least bit about him, you will not agree to this plan of him leaving college for a year. It's a bad idea to halt his education like this. If you two can't be strong enough to manage a LDR, then it'd be better to go your separate ways now and then when you're both done with college, if you're both single, you can then make a plan to close the distance and try again.

Assuming both of your brains haven't reached the full maturity of an adult brain, which is 25, you'd be wise to listen to older people who've had the life experience to know your plan is whacked. 

P.S. If you don't listen, be prepared that going from rarely seeing each other to living together 24/7, will blow up in your faces.