Chime in

[Tiffani]

Back story: Dating 11 years- no breakups before getting married. Will be married 5 years in August. Have 3 year old.

Issue: separation has been a topic of discussion as there is little to no sexy time. His stance is he can't be motivated to do anything unless he has sex (not motivated to go to work. Help clean. Small tasks around the house. Help with our child) My stance is I work sometimes 6 days a week, 10 hour days. Drop off and pickup our child. Feed the family. Bath time. Everything. He will clean his messes around the house and his laundry and towels but that's the extent of cleaning. I feel I do 10 tasks without any help (or complaints at this point) and his stance is he'll help after he gets sex. He initates sex by saying "do you want to do it" which is a total turn off. And when the little does actually go to bed at a decent time, he's playing the game...any advice whatsoever?

[MissCanuck]

9 hours ago, Tiffani said:

His stance is he can't be motivated to do anything unless he has sex (not motivated to go to work. Help clean. Small tasks around the house. Help with our child)

I would find a different partner, honestly. This man is not a good husband or father if he refuses to assume basic responsibilities unless he has sex. How gross. 

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Tiffani said:

not motivated to go to work.  I work sometimes 6 days a week, 10 hour days. Drop off and pickup our child. Feed the family. 

How long has he been unemployed? Does he have physical or mental health issues? Does he have bad habits such as gambling drinking gaming all day?  Is he supposedly a stay-at-home parent?

Immediately discontinue cooking, cleaning, shopping or doing anything for him. Focus solely on yourself and your child. Discontinue sleeping in the same room.  Discontinue enabling his laziness.

Privately and confidentiality consult an attorney for your options in the event of divorce.  The sooner you can legally extricate this parasite from your life, the better off you and your child will be.

[boltnrun]

He expects you to "pay" for the basics of being a husband, father and adult with sex?

That's not a husband, that's someone who views himself as a client and you as a sex worker. Very disrespectful. 

Was he like that before you married him?

[SherrySher]

Blackmailing anyone for sex, is not okay.

He is basically using sex as a bargaining tool, saying he will help out, IF he gets sex.

That's very toxic and unhealthy.

It sounds as though he also does little to nothing to help "set the mood", or romance you at all.

It's no wonder you feel turned off.

You might want to start off having a talk with him and letting him know that you don't want sex to be something that is demanded when it comes to helping each other run the house and manage your life together.

Sex shouldn't be used like that, nor should you be punished if you don't comply.

It's also unreasonable of him to expect and demand sex when you are not only trying to look after a child all day long, but you are trying to manage all kinds of things in order to make your homelife work.

You get tired, you aren't in the mood, it's not okay for him to expect sex at the drop of a hat like that.

Lastly, sex should be about physical intimacy, love, an emotional connection between you two since you are a married couple.

Even if it was on the fly and you wanted it to be passionate, he is going about it all the wrong way.

He is not making any kind of effort at all to entice you, romance you.

He has zero foreplay, nothing that makes you feel turned on.

It's no wonder it falls flat for you.

If things are to improve at all, you two should sit down and talk to each other and come to an agreement on when sex is okay and that it should be a mutual decision, and definite foreplay that goes on for both of you.

Otherwise he is just going to make you feel more and more colder about sex and it will start to feel more like work.

[Coily]

Let's not just jump directly to the divorce train. This guy is far from ideal, but have things changed for him, or you? In the past was sex a big factor in your relationship? Who is initiating the separation talk?

Have you two had a proper conversation over this, or are there fights where no one listens?

What kind of career/work has he done in the past?

I think there is more than sex at the root of this, sure maybe he's just a lazy bum, or there could be something else where he has unresolved problems. Does he feel valued as a provider to the family outside of sex, or has he reduced to affection between you two as just equaling sex?

I know a lot will go the just cut him off route, that could lead to unintended escalation of the fighting. Set deadlines and structure, as he is lacking that in himself. Also give yourself a time limit as to how long this crap can go on before you do pull the plug. Until he starts showing a willingness to effect change it's a matter of time until it's done.

 

 

[Andrina]

He is childish, and doesn't care that you're exhausted. A partner is supposed to ease your troubles, not create them.

Has his lack of a work ethic and not holding a steady job (assuming from the little you wrote) been the reason you have to work more than 40 hours per week?

IMO, I wouldn't even see a reason for discussions and counseling with a man who doesn't have the basic sensibility or capability of a mature, expected love. You can't get blood from a cold stone, as the saying goes. And your caregivers spend more time with your children than their own dad? How sad.

He provides nothing accept demands, so wouldn't life be better without him?

[Tiffani]

To clarify he does have a job. Pays fairly well to be honest. They have been great with him calling in and such. He covers mortgage ($1000) i cover all utilities groceries maintenance items and such. This is the reason he justifies his behavior because he has a job. When he gets off its all gaming time. He did lose his mom a year and a half ago and they were VERY close. He was taised with both parents in the home. They were married approximately 30 years before she passed. His dad had a new lady friend within 3 months. He and his other 2 brothers are not on speaking terms. So there's definitely depression going on on multiple levels.

I appreciate outside opinions other than family and friends. He's great at gaslighting

[Cherylyn]

He's great at gaslighting.  Oh boy, run for the hills.  There is no getting around a person who is a master at gaslighting.  Gaslighters are lost causes.  It's like beating a dead horse.  You'll forever talk in vicious, endless circles with a gaslighter and lose every time. 

He's using sex as a bargaining chip.  If you give him regular sex,  then he's apt to help you run the household and raise a family together.  No sex?  Then forget it.  That deal's off the table.  He's out of his mind if he expects to cut a deal with you.

He will not change for you.  He's digging his heels by insisting upon getting his way.  He's using sex as manipulation in the relationship and power over you which is nasty and ugly of him.

Either accept his deal and get the help you need in this sham of a marriage or dump him.  He will continue giving you a miserable marriage should you remain with this jerk.   If he truly loves his child, he would've consistently treated the mother of his child with love and respect yet he does not nor is it likely in the future at the rate he's going.  It's not looking good for you and your child.  I'm sorry.

I hope you can do something about this.  You deserve to be treated right.  Your husband wants you to acquiesce and if you refuse to cooperate,  then you're a slave elsewhere doing everything else to sustain home and family life.  Dump the chump.

[Coily]

1 hour ago, Tiffani said:

To clarify he does have a job. Pays fairly well to be honest. They have been great with him calling in and such. He covers mortgage ($1000) i cover all utilities groceries maintenance items and such. This is the reason he justifies his behavior because he has a job. When he gets off its all gaming time. He did lose his mom a year and a half ago and they were VERY close. He was taised with both parents in the home. They were married approximately 30 years before she passed. His dad had a new lady friend within 3 months. He and his other 2 brothers are not on speaking terms. So there's definitely depression going on on multiple levels.

I appreciate outside opinions other than family and friends. He's great at gaslighting

After he lost his mother, did you notice behavior changes? Or had he been this irresponsible before then?

If he was that close with his mother his grieving could be much more drawn out. If he is not seeking to work through this he will possibly continue this flat spin in his life. Make no mistake these are not excuses, but if you want to work this marriage he will need to be a willing participant in helping himself.

 

[Cherylyn]

I'm sorry for his loss.  I know a lot of people who've lost loved ones including my husband and me yet we don't use it as an excuse for marriages to become a train wreck.  Gaslighting,  making deals for sex and a helping concession and acting like an _________ is intolerable and unacceptable, period.

My advice is if both of you continue on this sick track with no improvement in sight,  you're the one who has to question if you have the patience of a saint or what are you going to do about it?  Be stuck with him as his sex slave for his offer to help you around the house?  Feel trapped in this sham of a marriage?  Or, will you work on your exit plan?  Everything hinges upon you.  It's something to stop and think about. 

Either put up and shut up or make your life better.  The choice is yours.  You're the one who has to become tough and strong because no one else will do it for you.

[TheCrow]

18 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I would find a different partner, honestly. This man is not a good husband or father if he refuses to assume basic responsibilities unless he has sex. How gross. 

 

They have been together for 11 years, have a 3 year old kid and are going through what every other couple in their circumstances is/was/will be going through. You think it's good advice to say, in this situation, oh just find another partner?

Op I don't have anything useful to say as my husband and I don't have children and our whole set up is completely different. I do think most issues can be overcome if there's a strong base and if said issues are of a regular 'no abuse/affairs' kind. 

Wishing you all the best.

[Tiffani]

16 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long has he been unemployed? Does he have physical or mental health issues? Does he have bad habits such as gambling drinking gaming all day?  Is he supposedly a stay-at-home parent?

Immediately discontinue cooking, cleaning, shopping or doing anything for him. Focus solely on yourself and your child. Discontinue sleeping in the same room.  Discontinue enabling his laziness.

Privately and confidentiality consult an attorney for your options in the event of divorce.  The sooner you can legally extricate this parasite from your life, the better off you and your child will be.

He's had steady employment the last 6 years or so. I'd say yes to mental health but he was raised to not believe in therapy. He has what I like to call an "addictive personality" one month it may be playing the game, next may be hanging with a certain group of friends, next may be working out, next is late nights at the casino. Never know

Considering sleeping apart as the next step before making a major change

[Batya33]

13 minutes ago, Tiffani said:

He's had steady employment the last 6 years or so. I'd say yes to mental health but he was raised to not believe in therapy. He has what I like to call an "addictive personality" one month it may be playing the game, next may be hanging with a certain group of friends, next may be working out, next is late nights at the casino. Never know

Considering sleeping apart as the next step before making a major change

He's an adult.  However he was raised if he's not willing to do therapy it's his affirmative choice.  Was he also raised to play a certain video game or gamble? 

Given these myriad issues if he provides the lame excuse that he won't do therapy because of how he was raised that in itself is a serious concern.  I'm sorry.

[boltnrun]

I doubt he was raised to barter sex for household tasks.

[Tiffani]

10 hours ago, SherrySher said:

You get tired, you aren't in the mood, it's not okay for him to expect sex at the drop of a hat like that.

Lastly, sex should be about physical intimacy, love, an emotional connection between you two since you are a married couple.

Even if it was on the fly and you wanted it to be passionate, he is going about it all the wrong way.

He is not making any kind of effort at all to entice you, romance you.

He has zero foreplay, nothing that makes you feel turned on.

Im very big on emotional connection which he knows. My love language is acts of service. Hes a tie between physical touch and words of affirmation. All this while he's made it seem how all the guys at work get sex on a regular basis. 1)guys lie 2)I'd asked what all they do to help the wives and family. He isn't into giving oral which I realized was his personal preference but I still allowed it to give me a complex up until recently. He does require it each time (another turn off) he doesn't understand foreplay, yes after all these years together. Honestly,not sure how we made a child other than alcohol being involved.  All I'd like is basic romance or acknowledgement which I've explicitly expressed

[TheCrow]

10 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I doubt he was raised to barter sex for .

 

 

[Tiffani]

4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I doubt he was raised to barter sex for household tasks.

Lol! It's so refreshing to have people outside my circle see the Insanity 

[Tiffani]

31 minutes ago, TheCrow said:

Op I don't have anything useful to say as my husband and I don't have children and our whole set up is completely different. I do think most issues can be overcome if there's a strong base and if said issues are of a regular 'no abuse/affairs' kind. 

Wishing you all the best.

Thanks so much for the kind words. Sometimes it's good to hear it straight

[Tiffani]

10 hours ago, boltnrun said:

He expects you to "pay" for the basics of being a husband, father and adult with sex?

That's not a husband, that's someone who views himself as a client and you as a sex worker. Very disrespectful. 

Was he like that before you married him?

It's hard to say. I used to work A LOT! when not working I'd travel. We were pregnant within a year of being married although together for 11 years. I'd say from pregnancy forward started the downward spiral. What's most mysterious is he's always been great with all the kids in the family and he always wanted a son. His mom caused the most conflict in our marriage and I feel her feelings have been simmering in his thoughts since she's passed. (Which is a breakthrough thought I may bring up with him)

[boltnrun]

My mother passed away too. That doesn't give me the right to treat my husband, someone I claim to love and who I MARRIED and is the other parent to my child, like a sex worker. Or treat them poorly. 

[Tiffani]

10 hours ago, Coily said:

Let's not just jump directly to the divorce train. This guy is far from ideal, but have things changed for him, or you? In the past was sex a big factor in your relationship? Who is initiating the separation talk?

Have you two had a proper conversation over this, or are there fights where no one listens?

What kind of career/work has he done in the past?

I think there is more than sex at the root of this, sure maybe he's just a lazy bum, or there could be something else where he has unresolved problems. Does he feel valued as a provider to the family outside of sex, or has he reduced to affection between you two as just equaling sex?

I know a lot will go the just cut him off route, that could lead to unintended escalation of the fighting. Set deadlines and structure, as he is lacking that in himself. Also give yourself a time limit as to how long this crap can go on before you do pull the plug. Until he starts showing a willingness to effect change it's a matter of time until it's done.

 

 

We recently discussed me changing from a high school girl, to college graduate, working woman, homeowner, management, fiance, wife, and mom. He's still in high school mindset. Sex has never been a major factor as in he can't go to work or do basic human functions without it! Which is why I initiated the separation talk. My son is getting older and I'm already doing everything alone so it would just be easier to actually do everything alone and he not watch me struggle. The house is in my name only. So is my car which is the only suitable car we have.

He works in a diesel mechanic shop.

Those are great questions to ask. Thanks so much for the feedback!

[Andrina]

40 minutes ago, Tiffani said:

one month it may be playing the game, next may be hanging with a certain group of friends, next may be working out, next is late nights at the casino

None of those activities involve you, and they're not conducive to a good marriage when there isn't a healthy balance of time with you, time doing chores, and time being a dad.

21 minutes ago, Tiffani said:

He isn't into giving oral which I realized was his personal preference but I still allowed it to give me a complex up until recently. He does require it each time (another turn off) he doesn't understand foreplay

Wow, this keeps getting worse and worse. Oral is usually the best part of sex for a woman to receive, especially as a woman ages, when penetration isn't as pleasurable after menopause.

 

3 minutes ago, Tiffani said:

The house is in my name only. So is my car which is the only suitable car we have

Yes, again, this shows his childishness. You deserve a million times better. My first husband was childish as well. I'm 100 percent happier having chosen a far better 2nd husband when I was older and wiser. 

Sorry you're going through this mess. Take care.

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, TheCrow said:

You think it's good advice to say, in this situation, oh just find another partner?

Yes, absolutely. 

When a man won't help parent his own child without being "motivated" by sex, it is negligent and unfair to the child. 

I can not in good faith suggest another path when the man in question is this awful even to his own kid. It's bad enough for OP as his partner, but reprehensible for him as a father. 

[boltnrun]

13 hours ago, Tiffani said:

Sex has never been a major factor as in he can't go to work or do basic human functions without it!

Um, what? Is that what he claims? That's ridiculous. Does he really think all men demand sex before they'll take out the trash or wash dishes or gas up the car? And refuse to do those things unless their wives lie down like a prostitute and service them?

I agree, losing this dead weight will do nothing but give you more space and one less person to clean up after.