Opinions Wanted

[Lambert]

Hi my ENOTALONER buds

A while back @Cherylyn asked about if/when anyone had regretted ending a friendship and if yes, how they went about approaching the other person.  Or something like that.  Forgive me @Cherylyn for not getting it right.  🙂

Anyhoo-- I had a friend that I ended a friendship with due to their toxic BS. I decide that didn't want to be friends with this person anymore.  Two years have passed, and I STILL feel it was the right thing.  I appreciate the good for what it was but I am no longer in the same place with this person.  

But didn't they reach out to me with a birthday wish.  To be honest, yes, it was nice but also had the same old toxic, manipulative, victim tone, BS that they always have, "thank you for years of wonderful friendship... blah blah blah"

For my part, I did thank them and wished them well.  Fine.  It's over.

I mentioned this to a friend.  I was surprised that this friend said I now had to wish them a happy birthday.  I explained I have no intention of starting up the friendship again and acknowledging their birthday.  But this friend said-- life is too short and I should be a bigger person.  Especially since I know when their birthday is, so it's the right thing to do.  

What do you think of that?  To wish a happy birthday or not?  I know how I feel, but it does beg the question... Do I owe this person a birthday wish?  Isn't it rather a mixed signal that I want to engage more?

Thanks in advance and happy Holy Week to all who are celebrating.  💗

[Batya33]

Tough one. But I say. No. You don’t because it’s been two years. I only would if you were still FB friends. And the person publicized her bday. Then I’d feel like  if you want to stay connected on FB and she wished you happy BD you do the same on FB. 

[Lambert]

Thank you @Batya33  

I think my friend that advised me to respond in kind means well.  But as it is my decision, I think they don't understand the level of resentment I would still feel towards this person if I had them in my life.  I don't want them in my life.  And I also don't always subscribe to the adage of being the bigger person.  I don't think I have to go out of my way to harm them either.  But I responded and very kindly to boot.  I think that is enough.  

[Batya33]

I totally think the friend means well too.  I do subscribe to being the bigger person. In this case I don't think you have to say Happy Bday to be the bigger person.  

[itsallgrand]

I agree with you and Batya. 

Better to let sleeping dogs lie when you do not wish to have regular interaction with the person.

 

[Kwothe28]

I am with your other friend. They wished you a happy birthday. Its a polite thing that, if you know the date, wish them back. I am a firm believer in reciprocity. If they, no matter the intention, got past personal issues and wished you a happy birthday, then there is no reason for you not too. No, that doesnt mean you are intending to restart the friendship or that you wish to engage more. It just means you are polite as well. If you want to make it less personal, do it over Facebook wall if you are still friends there.

[Lambert]

just for context- neither of us are on Facebook... I guess she could be but I'm definitely not.

[boltnrun]

I don't see how wishing someone a happy birthday makes you a "bigger person".  It's just a birthday greeting.

[catfeeder]

I'm sure your friend is lovely, but if I bought into that premise, I'd be responsible for tracking down birthdays of everyone I know or have known who may have wished me a happy birthday this year.

That makes no sense.

While this may sound cynical, when someone has proven to be a manipulator, I don't tend to view even their most benign or kind comments at face value. Telling someone to have a nice day can have a myriad of meanings behind it or none at all, but I certainly don't feel obligated to hold it in my pocket to reciprocate it down the road.

And btw, happy birthday!

[greendots]

Happy Holy Week to you as well, Lambert!

Completely agree with boltnrun that a birthday greeting is nothing more than a birthday greeting. Even some brands sent you birthday greetings. Nothing special about it.

Honestly, depends on whether you want to keep her as an acquaintance or don't want to have her in your life at all. If it's the latter, then not communicating at all is best. At most, a "thanks" in reply to the birthday greeting suffices. If it's the former, then a generic birthday text, whilst not necessary, is the polite thing to do. Especially, if you are bound to run into each other due to work or socially.

[Cherylyn]

@LambertThank you for the shout out!  🥰 💗

It was gracious of you to thank your former friend for the thank you text.  Just a perfunctory, blunt, "thank you" was all you needed.  It was kind yet peacefully distant which was well mannered. 

As for reciprocating with a birthday greeting to her,  no, don't send the birthday greeting text of 'Happy Birthday' since your purpose is to cease the friendship towards estrangement.  Never hang onto a friendship which isn't worth it.  It's out of the question. 

The right thing to do?   How about your friend not having done the wrong thing(s) to you in the first place?  Put that spin on that!  What goes around comes around.  This is called giving yourself self-respect. 

Like you @Lambert, I was soft on people only to be burned yet again.  "Fool me once,  shame on you.  Fool me twice,  shame on me."   I'm so sick 'n tired of giving people multiple chances only for them to treat me like a sucker.  If you give in by being sweet,  they're playing you for a fool. 

Narcissists engage in love bombing (attention / acknowledgement / flattery / charm / pretense) which is what your former friend is doing to you.  It's her way of luring you back into her web of deceit.  Never be deceived.  Never fall for tricks otherwise someday you'll regret it and feel trapped.  It's better to cut it off now than take a bad gamble which you'll lose every time.  Don't allow that to happen.

I agree with @Andrina.  If you give an inch,  they'll take a mile.  They'll always take advantage of your soft heart. 

Remaining frosty teaches perpetrators that their behavior towards you was unacceptable,  intolerable and you're teaching them that you are enforcing healthy boundaries in order to protect yourself from future risk.  Be shrewd because it will save you. 

Life is too short and be the bigger person?   It depends on the offense.   If the offense was very minor,  petty and easy to forgive,   I'd say,  yes,  continue with acknowledging birthdays, Christmas or whatever.  If the offense was major of any sort,  your life will feel shorter if you continue engaging with a person who fails to treat you with the respect you deserve.  They will deliberately make you feel smaller by reducing you down to size and do you want that?   I doubt it.   No sense of entitlement here.  My take on this is either behave like a decent,  very honorable human being or forget it,   it's a real permanent deal breaker.   It's a two way street, @Lambert.  If you're treated with consistent dignity,  gracious manners, respect and honor,  by all means reciprocate.  If the friendship is unfair,  unbalanced,  lopsided and grossly unequal,  it's a no.   That's a hell  NO.

[Andrina]

8 hours ago, Lambert said:

To be honest, yes, it was nice but also had the same old toxic, manipulative, victim tone, BS that they always have, "thank you for years of wonderful friendship... blah blah blah"

For some people, which could be the case with her, if you give them an inch, they'll take a mile. And one could argue with your friend it could be false hope of reengagement, which might be hurtful to the ex-friend, who obviously sees things through a faulty lens.

[HeartGoesOn]

I wouldn't.  

It's your life, your choice, and you don't owe anyone an explanation.  Life is short, and you can't go in reverse.

[Cherylyn]

The right thing to do?   How about your friend not having done the wrong thing(s) to you in the first place?  Put that spin on that!  What goes around comes around.  This is called giving yourself self-respect.

@Lambert  Correction:  The right thing to do?  How about your friend having done the wrong thing(s) to you in the first place?  You don't have amnesia.  Always remember transgressions committed and let that be your guide. 

I'm not into "forgive and forget."  Sure, it becomes easier to move on with the "out of sight,  out of mind" mentality but forget?   Impossible.  Bad memories remind you to beware and tread lightly otherwise you'll set yourself up for a rude awakening.  ☹️

[Lambert]

Thanks all for the advice! 🥰

[Cherylyn]

1 minute ago, Lambert said:

Thanks all for the advice! 🥰

@Lambert  🥰   💗 And,  thank you so much for yours as well! 

[Lambert]

Just now, Cherylyn said:

@Lambert  🥰   💗 And,  thank you so much for yours as well! 

We're like those little cartton chipmunks chip and dale... 

"thank you and after you"

"no. no. its my pleasure thank you and after you please."

"no. thank you"

😆 

[Lambert]

6 hours ago, catfeeder said:

when someone has proven to be a manipulator

This really nails how I felt even reading her message. like here we go again... love bombing when we haven't communicated in years. 

I don't know.  it's just weird and I don't feel good. wishing her a hbd.... let it be rude. 

That's why I wanted to ask...

thanks! 

[Cherylyn]

1 minute ago, Lambert said:

This really nails how I felt even reading her message. like here we go again... love bombing when we haven't communicated in years. 

I don't know.  it's just weird and I don't feel good. wishing her a hbd.... let it be rude. 

That's why I wanted to ask...

thanks! 

@Lambert Yeah,  the love bombing.  Compliments,  flattery,  charm,  pretense,  deceit,  acknowledgement, etc. all under the veneer and guise of goodness.  Oh gag!   It all gets so old,  real fast.  I don't buy it.  

I agree with @catfeeder about manipulators. 

Another human psychology word to study is:  "Sociopath."  They're a tricky lot and so much so that there's an actual psychological term for it.  They manipulate the friendship by setting you up with their typical narcissistic tactics of love bombing.  Their sole purpose are designs to entrap you.  Their other tactics are to be nice to you with over zealous behavior in any form.  Their motive is because they want something from you whatever it may be.  They want to benefit by extracting something from you.  Again, whatever it may be for their advantage.  Before you know what hit you,  you're left feeling beholden and always obliged.  It's a sick game.  Never fall for their tricks.   NEVER BE USED. 

Unfortunately,  I have a lot of very painful experience in this arena.  ☹️

You're learning to develop street smarts.  👍