Me (18f) and my depressed boyfriend (22m) are going through a really rough period and I don’t know what to do.

[anchiixz]

I met my boyfriend online around two years ago, and we have been in a LDR for about a year and six months now. 

Most of the time, our relationship is great, mature, and loyal - however, there are periods when it gets REALLY really hard. 

 

My boyfriend suffers from depression, and has had periods when he completely isolates himself and shuts me off. In November, he began having a really hard time - he would go for barely talking to me for a month, to basically texting me once a week till January. 

Having BPD, my own mental illness couldn’t physically let me go through this constant ghosting and pushing away - so, I broke up with him and we agreed to try again when he heals.

 

A month later, he texted me again, saying he’s been trying his best to work on his mental health. Me, being the anxious-attached partner, immediately took this as a sign that he wanted to get back together. 

Although he told me he’s still not 100% okay, I insisted on trying again and getting back together and that I will stay with him through anything and everything. This was very obviously something I shouldn’t have done - I should’ve let him heal before doing anything again, especially because I underestimated how bad his mental health can get.

 

Since then, (February 8th) we’ve had our ups and downs. He started going to therapy every day (for a bit more than two weeks now) and is on meds for his depression and ADHD. 

However, he seems so distant and cold - when I compare our old texts to now, I can see how much more ‘emotions’ he had before, how much he told me he loved me and missed me, and just any intimate texts in general. He used to help me when I was feeling down, and was always by my side. I get them rarely now - almost never, and I genuinely don’t know if it’s because of his depression or just because he doesn’t love me as much anymore. He isn’t as excited when I send him pictures of me, and even the explicit ones (he said his libido has been low ever since he got on meds). However, we still talk about the plans for our future and I can see that he sees me in his. There are times when he genuinely is excited to talk to me, call, and just spend time together in general.

 

We also had a fight two days ago. He just came back from his appointment and told me ‘he was exhausted’. After that, I tried texting him and he wouldn’t answer for the whole day.

I got upset, and told him that I’m tired of begging him to just stop ignoring me (he has a habit of doing that). He blamed me saying he needs space and that I should’ve figured that out when he said he was exhausted. (keep in mind, I’ve learned to give him space when he needs it. I literally just asked him to tell me when he needs space, and to not ghost me).

We haven’t talked since then, and I honestly don’t plan to check my messages for a few days at all. Maybe we need some time apart.

 

I need advice on how to cope with this. If someone has ever dealt with depression and taking meds, or someone who has, I’d love some advice on how to cope with that as well. 

I constantly offer him support, but he prefers to isolate and deal with it himself.  I always say I’ll be here if he needs me.

 

Does he not love me anymore, or is it his mental health that’s building a barrier between us?

 

 

I DON’T plan on breaking up with him, so please don’t tell me to leave him because I won’t. 

I was thinking about going off for a week or two and refrain from talking to him even if he texts me. 

 

I’m just scared things will stay like this, and that our relationship will never be like it used to be. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, anchiixz said:

I met my boyfriend online around two years ago, and we have been in a LDR 

Having BPD, my own mental illness couldn’t physically let me go through this constant ghosting and pushing away 

Sorry this is happening. How often do you see each other in person?  

You're right to give him space. 

In the meantime, see your physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Keep the focus solely on attending to your own wellbeing. Try let him cope in his own ways in his own time. Wait until he contacts you, otherwise step back and focus on improving your own life.

Redirect your focus and energy on school, work, hobbies, interests, friends and family. Let him deal in his own way. Even though you mean well, people generally don't want to feel like someone's project. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, anchiixz said:

He blamed me saying he needs space and that I should’ve figured that out when he said he was exhausted. (keep in mind, I’ve learned to give him space when he needs it. I literally just asked him to tell me when he needs space, and to not ghost me).

We haven’t talked since then, and I honestly don’t plan to check my messages for a few days at all. Maybe we need some time apart.

You don't have to break up with him.  It doesn't sound like other than a label of your own creation there is no romantic relationship to break up.  How often do you see him in person? So you think you should have to ask someone not to ghost you and to have the common sense/basic manners to call or text "I'm going off line for a few days?" 

I've had a female penpal for about 2 years.  We connected through a FB group for readers (us) and writers.  We've never met or spoken by phone but we text every day.  We love chatting.  We also are connected on FB but rarely are in contact through FB.  If she or I went days without texting - unless beforehand we texted "going offline" or going out of town, etc  it would be really rude and I would worry about her!! It's never happened and indeed we've mentioned how that would never happen. 

And we're not romantically involved at all and may not ever meet each other unless I visit where she lives (which might happen for other reasons).  If she ghosted me maybe I'd give her one more chance because I'd be worried something happened to her and I wouldn't go through it more than once.  Why are you tolerating this with this person? Because he has depression? It's easy to text a couple of words to prevent that ghosting situation.  He doesn't not because of depression -because he doesn't value you or your interactions.  

[MissCanuck]

First and foremost, have you ever met him in person? 

[Kwothe28]

I dont think you understand how depression and his meds work. Depression by itself makes it hard for him to function. Meds are strong and make him only do what he must and roll back. When I worked with special needs kids, we had a kid with ADHD. He was very active kid. When he got the right meds he was like a zombie. Meaning that he functioned but was a shadow of a former self. And you expect your boyfriend to have some emotions and to help you when you are feeling down. When he is literally unable to take care of himself and meds he takes probably make him unable to answer your needs of emotions. Because again, its that kind of ilness and until he trully gets better he wont be like he used to be.

You have nothing to seek there. His road to recovery is very long and he wont be able to answer your needs as they are. Because again you are expecting him to be something he cant really be at the moment. To nobody, not just you. So I am sorry but not even you going NC for a week wont fix anything. Because his mental health wont get better in a week. Or probably anytime soon.

[SooSad33]

4 hours ago, anchiixz said:

I DON’T plan on breaking up with him, so please don’t tell me to leave him because I won’t. 

I was thinking about going off for a week or two and refrain from talking to him even if he texts me. 

Yeah, this isn't a game.  So don't 'expect' much in this. As mentioned, it won't change.  Not until he feels semi okay again.  Until her 'feels' more himself again.  And dealing with a mental issue does take a good while to see/feel any change.  Plus, when one gets medicated, that may take a while to even see IF those meds are of a positive effect.. or not.  If not, they try something else.  is trial and error in all of this.

 

4 hours ago, anchiixz said:

Although he told me he’s still not 100% okay, I insisted on trying again and getting back together and that I will stay with him through anything and everything. This was very obviously something I shouldn’t have done - I should’ve let him heal before doing anything again, especially because I underestimated how bad his mental health can get.

When a couple breaks up and then agree to 'try again', unless what caused you to BU the first time has been fixed, expect the same results.

I was advised, when I was your age by my therapist to NOT get involved.  As doing so would hinder my own healing etc.  

With a relationship, comes expectations.  It takes your time and energy, etc.  And yeah, as you can see, he seems unable to 'give' at this time in his life. ( I have dealt with depression, anxiety etc and yes, I pushed my loved one's away often 😕 .  I know it affected some relationships). we live, we learn.. sometimes.

Kwothe28 , above gave a good explanation as well.

So, as I said, don't expect much from him.  Is up to you on whether you choose to remain in this -and if it's a yes, then you wait on him.  He can reach out when HE feels okay to do so ( respect). Meanwhile, is best to make sure you do carry on with your own life outside the relationship.  Don't just sit & wait, get out there, go do stuff with friends & family.

 

[Jaunty]

First, I don't think it's a real relationship because you don't share any parts of "real life" together.  Sounds like a kind of chat buddy situation.

Beyond that, I'd like to caution you against defining yourself, him and your relationship with psychiatric diagnosis.  Depression, ADHD, BPD, pop-psych "attachment styles."  

Certainly these are things that are very real to those of us who have to deal with them, but if they are front and center in our relationships and all the trappings of the relationship revolve around them - we need to take time for ourselves to get sorted out.  

You're very young.  You can build a life that is not defined by mental illness / personality disorders if you strive for health.  Again, this doesn't mean denying the issues, it means managing them so they don't define everything.   Clearly you are highly functional, with the right support this can be your reality.

 

[boltnrun]

When did the two of you meet in person? And how many days per month do you spend together physically in person (not over an electronic device)?

I understand mental health issues make it difficult to form relationships but unless you spend time together in person there can't be a romantic relationship. 

If this online chat situation is causing you distress it may be a good idea to stop communicating.

[smackie9]

Sorry but this is how it is and will always be with him. if it's too much just end it. You are way too young to be dealing with this sort of thing. Free yourself and move on. Trust me there is way better out there. 

[Jennifer Pearson]

18 hours ago, anchiixz said:

I met my boyfriend online around two years ago, and we have been in a LDR for about a year and six months now. 

Most of the time, our relationship is great, mature, and loyal - however, there are periods when it gets REALLY really hard. 

 

My boyfriend suffers from depression, and has had periods when he completely isolates himself and shuts me off. In November, he began having a really hard time - he would go for barely talking to me for a month, to basically texting me once a week till January. 

Having BPD, my own mental illness couldn’t physically let me go through this constant ghosting and pushing away - so, I broke up with him and we agreed to try again when he heals.

 

A month later, he texted me again, saying he’s been trying his best to work on his mental health. Me, being the anxious-attached partner, immediately took this as a sign that he wanted to get back together. 

Although he told me he’s still not 100% okay, I insisted on trying again and getting back together and that I will stay with him through anything and everything. This was very obviously something I shouldn’t have done - I should’ve let him heal before doing anything again, especially because I underestimated how bad his mental health can get.

 

Since then, (February 8th) we’ve had our ups and downs. He started going to therapy every day (for a bit more than two weeks now) and is on meds for his depression and ADHD. 

However, he seems so distant and cold - when I compare our old texts to now, I can see how much more ‘emotions’ he had before, how much he told me he loved me and missed me, and just any intimate texts in general. He used to help me when I was feeling down, and was always by my side. I get them rarely now - almost never, and I genuinely don’t know if it’s because of his depression or just because he doesn’t love me as much anymore. He isn’t as excited when I send him pictures of me, and even the explicit ones (he said his libido has been low ever since he got on meds). However, we still talk about the plans for our future and I can see that he sees me in his. There are times when he genuinely is excited to talk to me, call, and just spend time together in general.

 

We also had a fight two days ago. He just came back from his appointment and told me ‘he was exhausted’. After that, I tried texting him and he wouldn’t answer for the whole day.

I got upset, and told him that I’m tired of begging him to just stop ignoring me (he has a habit of doing that). He blamed me saying he needs space and that I should’ve figured that out when he said he was exhausted. (keep in mind, I’ve learned to give him space when he needs it. I literally just asked him to tell me when he needs space, and to not ghost me).

We haven’t talked since then, and I honestly don’t plan to check my messages for a few days at all. Maybe we need some time apart.

 

I need advice on how to cope with this. If someone has ever dealt with depression and taking meds, or someone who has, I’d love some advice on how to cope with that as well. 

I constantly offer him support, but he prefers to isolate and deal with it himself.  I always say I’ll be here if he needs me.

 

Does he not love me anymore, or is it his mental health that’s building a barrier between us?

 

 

I DON’T plan on breaking up with him, so please don’t tell me to leave him because I won’t. 

I was thinking about going off for a week or two and refrain from talking to him even if he texts me. 

 

I’m just scared things will stay like this, and that our relationship will never be like it used to be. 

If I had to guess, I'd say that things between you and your boyfriend are rocky right now. Clearly, you want to be there for him as he deals with his mental health issues, and this shows how much you care.

A person's mood and behavior can be affected by depression and the medications they take. Your boyfriend's emotional distance and coldness may not be indicative of how he feels about you but rather of the difficulties he is having managing his mental health. You should tell him how you feel and find out how he is doing emotionally. Make it clear that you care about him, but that you must establish limits to protect your own well-being.

Separation can give you both a chance to think things over and tend to your own emotional wellbeing. Be sure to discuss your hopes and fears for the future openly and honestly before you part ways.

In addition to supporting him in maintaining his current medication and therapy regimen, you may want to consider doing the same to help you manage the stresses of your long-distance relationship with someone who suffers from mental health issues.

Supporting your partner is important, but so is taking care of your own mental health. It's healthy to put yourself first in a relationship and establish healthy boundaries.

[boltnrun]

Can you share when you met him in person for the first time and how much time you two spend together physically in person? It's hard to determine if you have an actual in person relationship or if this is someone you've communicated with online or over your phone with no in person interaction. 

[Andrina]

On 3/30/2023 at 5:46 AM, anchiixz said:

I met my boyfriend online around two years ago, and we have been in a LDR for about a year and six months now.

People who seek out and are willing to participate in LDRs that start that way, are people who are not ready to be in a fully functional and realistic relationship that local relationships provide.

A computer screen is a seemingly safe barrier to keep the distance, as well as literal distance.

Though you might pooh-pooh my view on things, I'll just let you know for your own good that your brain doesn't reach its full adult maturity until age 25, specifically in the pre-frontal cortex (the decision making area).

You might think that love conquers all. With life experience and a maturing brain, you will realize this isn't the case. Without that process, you will also have not considered the longterm effects and outcome of what a life involves when you have a partner like him.

In my first marriage, I did have a husband who isolated himself, expressed his sadness through anger, and I stayed far longer than I should have. Really, I shouldn't have married him in the first place.

The smartest way to live life is to not rely on a fantasy, hoping for the best. You should know that it's more realistic to have the view of: What you see is what you get. 

You won't breakup? Then know your life will involve feeling the way you feel right now and forevermore. Perhaps worse if you married this man and you're eating dinner alone while he leaves the dinner table early, without conversation, to go to his man cave. How you will be raising your kids mainly alone because he can't deal and leaves the house to do whatever for hours. How he stays in bed all day while you have to do all the housework.

You're young and likely haven't projected that far out, but I'm older and experienced some of those things. Also know that when young, most people have numerous dating experiences while they learn what works for them and what doesn't as far as relationships go. And most don't want to get so serious so young.  What do you do as far as a social life besides having an online LDR? Make sure you have a healthy balance of activities and friends besides a bf, for your own good. Take care.

[HeartGoesOn]

Is this the same guy who doesn't want people online to know about you?  If so, where's the attraction?

[boltnrun]

In your other post you said you dated a guy for a month in person a year ago and then he went back home to the US. And he wants to keep you a secret. Now you're saying you met this guy online TWO years ago. 

Is this two different guys?