Why would a man keep having casual sex with a woman who has treated him badly several times?

[Coily]

Maybe he is protecting other men from your terrible behavior?

[Kwothe28]

26 minutes ago, Cher_C said:

No, I just don't get why a person would put up with someone who has issues just because they are getting free sex. When they can easily find someone else. I wouldn't have sex with a man if he treated me the way that I've treated him I'd be done with him. 

Are you "good looking"? It would explain why he brushed over this "Crazy B, run when you see her approaching" moves

30 minutes ago, Cher_C said:

I accused him of having sex with his best friend, I contacted his best friend and asked if they were in a relationship. I walked in his house announced and I've said bad things to him. I've called him a liar told him he wasn't attracted to me etc. 

Also, I am sorry but men and women usually dont look at sex at the same way. While you may look at it through emotions and how you may not sleep with him if he treated you badly(lots of women look at sex through emotions), he maybe looks at sex through sheer physical act. Which it ultimately is for him, because, you are casual, not in a relationship.

[smackie9]

Men can enjoy sex without emotional attachment. Sex is just sex…they say crazy makes good sex. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Cher_C said:

No, I just don't get why a person would put up with someone who has issues just because they are getting free sex. When they can easily find someone else. I wouldn't have sex with a man if he treated me the way that I've treated him I'd be done with him. 

And... drum roll -that is because you two are different people.  I don't get why a person would have casual sex but I don't care that I don't get it - all I know is some people enjoy casual sex and to me if two single consenting adults enjoy casual sex -good for them! 

He can't easily find someone else because perhaps he is weighing the risks of STDS -why go with a brand new stranger - and what if that woman doesn't want to use a condom etc.  You're easy for him to hang out with -he has your number, he knows when you're available.  Perhaps the convenience is really important to him and you make it easy since you contacted him so he knows you are a sure thing and will likely say yes when he's horny and wants to have intercourse.  

 

[Jaunty]

Ok.  I'm pretty sure I remember you from other posts with a different username.  If not, there was a poster with the exact same situations that you describe.  

If I'm right, you are one of the women (seems like there are quite a few on these forums) who is pretending, for reasons of their own, to want to be FWB / booty calls with guys.  But then they impose any number of  "relationshippy" twists into it.   

If you look honestly at yourself and your motivations and actions, do you think this fits?  Because I don't think that your issue is that you treat a man you are having casual sex with badly - the core issue is that you are lacking boundaries in several directions.

If it's a booty call - who he is having sex with besides you, or not, is absolutely none of your business.  Who his ex is, and his relationship with her, is absolutely none of your business.  What he thinks or feels about you, even, is also none of your business.  

Your lane, in these types of situations, begins and ends with your sex acts.  You meet, you do sex, you're out.  

This is not for everybody, and tons of women and men alike are not going to handle it well or get anything good out of it.  There's no shame in not being a good candidate for a recurring booty call.  

Are you one of these, for whom "hookup" doesn't work?  Seems like it.

So ... why are you participating in a hookup situation when you are in no way prepared to maintain the detachment and boundaries necessary to do that?  

Maybe you have deep seated jealousy and boundary issues when you are in a relationship - so you are trying to avoid those by "pretending" you are having NSA sex?  But the jealousy and boundary issues are there too, for you, because they are issues you need to deal with.

Could this be the case?

 

[LootieTootie]

1 hour ago, Cher_C said:

No, I just don't get why a person would put up with someone who has issues just because they are getting free sex. When they can easily find someone else. I wouldn't have sex with a man if he treated me the way that I've treated him I'd be done with him. 

A person can keep choosing to have sex with you even if you come with drama. That doesn't make them care about you, or like you, or love you. If anything, they're just using you. Of course they can turn around and say the same about you.

Which is why I never liked having FWB or situationships... Women can't compartmentalize as well as men and we get the feels more than men and that makes us get in our heads more than we should be.

I think what's happening here is you're getting bent out of shape for someone you should not be getting bent out of shape about. He's a booty call and if you can't treat him as such, you need to stop seeing him because this isn't good for your mental health.

 

[boltnrun]

My ex husband used to lecture me when I called him to ask for an advance on child support because I had unexpected expenses. I would call and ask and then when he launched into the inevitable lecture about how irresponsible I was with money I would hold the phone away from my ear and occasionally say "you're right" into the mouthpiece. In the end, every time, he sent me the money. So I saw it as just an annoyance I had to put up with to get what I needed.

This man is figuratively holding the phone away from his ear while you act badly because he knows ultimately he'll end up getting what he showed up for...an orgasm with you as the conduit. 

[Jaunty]

6 minutes ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

Bc sex is good? Umm...idk why a man would need more of a reason than that.

It doesn't even have to be particularly good.  "A warm place to put it" which is convenient is a valuable asset for many young, single fellows.  

[tattoobunnie]

"Cheaper to keep her."

More cheaper when it's free with no need to pay for dates.

You will be surprised what men will put up with for sex. 

[Cher_C]

I saw him today and he told me that his mother has Cancer and that he's been looking after her. That he's currently laid off. And that his bestfriend(a woman and her kid) is living with him. He's been knowing her for 10 years and he said he's helping her and he said it's stressful. Because she's going through a rough time. I asked him if they were in a relationship and he said no. I told him I didn't want to come between anything if they were together and he said they weren't. 

I feel bad for him about his mother he's really close to her. I don't know if I should just stop talking to him. I really don't know why he told me about his mother. 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Cher_C said:

I saw him today and he told me that his mother has Cancer and that he's been looking after her. That he's currently laid off. And that his bestfriend(a woman and her kid) is living with him. 

Perhaps it's a good time to step back and focus on your own wellbeing. His situation is becoming increasingly complicated. He seems to be telling you he has too much going on for casual encounters.

Even if he claims he's not in a relationship, he's living as a family with this woman and her child now, so that isn't the best situation for you to be part of. 

 

[Cher_C]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Perhaps it's a good time to step back and focus on your own wellbeing. His situation is becoming increasingly complicated. He seems to be telling you he has too much going on for casual encounters.

Even if he claims he's not in a relationship, he's living as a family with this woman and her child now, so that isn't the best situation for you to be part of. 

 

Just because you live with someone doesn't mean you are living as a family. Have you ever heard of roommate? 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Cher_C said:

 Have you ever heard of roommate? 

He simply has too much on his plate right now. It seems he's trying to let you know that he's going to be busy with things.

Whether or not they're involved is irrelevant. She's living in his house and he's got his hands full with that and losing his job and his mother's illness. 

Step back and regroup so you can focus on what the best way to move forward is for you.

[Batya33]

16 minutes ago, Cher_C said:

Just because you live with someone doesn't mean you are living as a family. Have you ever heard of roommate? 

Have you ever heard of roommates having sex when they are horny, for example? Doesn't need to be living as a family to have intercourse -as you well know and believe, intercourse is freely available between consenting adults.  

He's sharing with you that he has a lot going on.  Whether or not he has sex going on with his best friend.  You're not a priority right now and you will be -just as he will be and has been to you -when he feels like having sex with you.

[boltnrun]

My cousin met his wife when she and her daughter rented his spare room. He had a girlfriend when the woman and her child moved in but with proximity and the two of them being young, attractive people they fell in love. It can and does happen.

Would you be jealous or hurt if that happened?

[Jaunty]

2 hours ago, Cher_C said:

Just because you live with someone doesn't mean you are living as a family. Have you ever heard of roommate? 

Why are you grilling him about his relationship with this person?  It is none of your business.   This is another example of a boundary problem.  In this case you haven't "treated him badly" but you are overstepping massively.  

People who are having casual sex need to be prepared for when any of their sex partners find someone they care about and stop the booty calls.   

Maybe he will be having a relationship with this lady by Saturday.  Not in your lane.

[lostandhurt]

OP

I am curious what you want?  What do you want for your life?  A relationship?  You know a real relationship with commitment, love and respect.

Or are you happy to have a free life with someone around once in a while to fulfill your physical needs.

 Do you know what you want?

 Lost

[rosie2]

Hello, I have a similar situation with my FWB - I was unmedicated for most of last year (I have bipolar) while we were sleeping together and I was really off the charts, ending up being hospitalised three times with lots of police, and am now back on three medications.  When i was all over the place most of the time i just adored my sweet and gorgeous FWB but i had lots of crazy moments texting him loads and loads of messages getting more and more worked up into a state.  Also shouting at him and falling down on the pavement upset when we were on the street which embarrassed him, trying to stop him leaving the house when i was upset and he wanted to walk away.   He did walk out on me in distress and got into his car, later texting to say he doesn't go places to have bad experiences. 

I wonder like the OP if we may have feelings for each other beyond the NSA sex, but it's unclear when he has told me straight he doesn't want a relationship and likes being single.  However I am amazed at my behaviour to him (esp multiple nasty messages) and how he has 'stuck by me' - my own family nearly all fell out with me last year but he was hanging in there with me.  He came to visit me in hospital several times (though I was begging him for help from the ward in a desperate state) and says supportive and sweet things sometimes to me about my progress/ recovery.   

I think when you have mistreated someone and there are still somehow there for you it means a lot.  It is quite touching, and my worry is I am getting really fond of this guy because though he called me out for my behaviour he didn't leave me during this challenging year.  I even got arrested for stalking and he continued to see me (I wasn't stalking it was a false allegation but all part of my crazy 'adventures' when delusional and very unwell off my meds).   In fact he was the only one in my life who asked me if i was ok after the arrest.  Family had a go at me and friends started to go quiet on me.   It has been an isolating time and yet this 'casual' nsa relationship has been the one thing which weathered the storms (and there were lots of storms).

It is hard to accept it is just about the sex when someone has been there throughout a bad period, one you are ashamed of where you have treated them poorly.  But i think ultimately, it is probably about the sex.  We have had good times in bed and I am still happy to see him for sex, I just have a real soft spot for him because he still comes round after a year of crazy behaviour and unstability which pushed away lots of my support network.

 

The hard thing is to stop myself now from getting too invested emotionally.  I need to protect my feelings as i am in recovery and must look after my mental health.  We just meet for sex and the sex is great so i don't want it to end, but i might end it if i feel like i am falling for him.   Mnay times i have just wanted him to be there and hold me in his lovely arms while i cry about everything i have been through, but that will probably never happen.  He is just horny sometimes, like myself.

 

Try to stay realistic, and also just because it is NSA sex it doesn't mean the guy doesn't care at all for you, but also it is not a boyfriend girlfriend relationship, so him hanging in there may not be a sign that he wants to commit more to you.   My guy rarely initiates texts or dates as i will message him, so he probably isn't that into me beyond the FWB.   I wonder sometimes like when he bought me flowers for my birthday and said he had never done that before.  I actually dried them and pressed them in the pages of a heavy book as i was so touched and they were lovely. 

 

FWB can progress to one person having feelings and wondering if the other one might be as well.  I'd say assume they are not and look after your heart, try not to read into things they say/ do as that starts to get under your skin and then the relaxed / casual pros of a FWB gets lost.   Also, apologise for your behaviour but don't feel awful about yourself.  It takes time to work on yourself and change how you respond to things. 

 

Time will tell what happens with you and this guy, there are plenty of fish out there so maybe get out there and meet other people - including friend! i have been investing in my friendships more (they want me to end it as it is only fwb but i have too much of a soft spot for him).  Good friends are worth a lot 

Take care

 

 

 

[redswim30]

OP, I assume you want an answer beyond, " He wants to have sex" 

^ though that is the likeliest scenario here. 

I feel thru your posts you are fishing for someone to say that he likes you, and that's why he keeps choosing to sleep with you.  But I don't think that's the case.  He doesn't care how you "treat him", you aren't in a relationship, you're just sleeping together.  It's pretty easy to sleep with people you wouldn't necessarily date. 

Don't have casual sex if you can't accept that to most people that's exactly what it is- casual, no strings attached sex.   It's pretty simple. 

 

[Batya33]

39 minutes ago, rosie2 said:

think when you have mistreated someone and there are still somehow there for you it means a lot.  It is quite touching, and my worry is I am getting really fond of this guy because though he called me out for my behaviour he didn't leave me during this challenging year.  I even got arrested for stalking and he continued to see me (I wasn't stalking it was a false allegation but all part of my crazy 'adventures' when delusional and very unwell off my meds).   In fact he was the only one in my life who asked me if i was ok after the arrest.  Family had a go at me and friends started to go quiet on me.   It has been an isolating time and yet this 'casual' nsa relationship has been the one thing which weathered the storms (and there were lots of storms).

It is hard to accept it is just about the sex when someone has been there throughout a bad period, one you are ashamed of where you have treated them poorly.  But i think ultimately, it is probably about the sex.  We have had good times in bed and I am still happy to see him for sex, I just have a real soft spot for him because he still comes round after a year of crazy behaviour and unstability which pushed away lots of my support network.

I think it says either the person feels the benefits are worth the downsides or the person has incredibly low self esteem.  Certainly best friends and family members stick by each other even if one person has a mental illness but a healthy person being mistreated/abused/harassed by a person with a mental illness will find a way to help from a distance. 

For example my mother had my father put in a nursing facility once his alzheimers became advanced to the point he was putting the stove on randomly in the middle of the night.  She knew she didn't want to have their home on fire and couldn't afford 24/7 care so she stuck by him by finding a good nursing facility and visiting him as often as possible, by having me help with some financial and legal aspects etc.  Because my mom is a healthy person who loved and cared for her spouse while still taking care of herself and her safety and wellbeing.

I had a friend who shared with me after about a year of friendship that she was bipolar.  A few months after that she started mistreating me.  I enjoyed her friendship when she treated me properly.  So I started avoiding making one on one plans with her because she'd often be flaky (because of her illness? who knows).  

[Batya33]

45 minutes ago, rosie2 said:

Try to stay realistic, and also just because it is NSA sex it doesn't mean the guy doesn't care at all for you, but also it is not a boyfriend girlfriend relationship, so him hanging in there may not be a sign that he wants to commit more to you.   My guy rarely initiates texts or dates as i will message him, so he probably isn't that into me beyond the FWB.   I wonder sometimes like when he bought me flowers for my birthday and said he had never done that before.  I actually dried them and pressed them in the pages of a heavy book as i was so touched and they were lovely. 

 

FWB can progress to one person having feelings and wondering if the other one might be as well.  I'd say assume they are not and look after your heart, try not to read into things they say/ do as that starts to get under your skin and then the relaxed / casual pros of a FWB gets lost.   Also, apologise for your behaviour but don't feel awful about yourself.  It takes time to work on yourself and change how you respond to things. 

I would say depends on your standards.  Many people who have casual sex give a darn about their sex partner -for example if the sex partner gets sick while with them the sex partner might offer a tylenol or drive the person home -human beings often care for other humans. It depends on your personal standards.  If your standard is "I'm good with casual sex as long as I know he'd give me basic care if needed or if I started crying he'd care that I was sad" that's your standard and that's fine. Especially if the person sees having intercourse in that sort of arrangement as a benefit.  

 

[rosie2]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I would say depends on your standards.  Many people who have casual sex give a darn about their sex partner -for example if the sex partner gets sick while with them the sex partner might offer a tylenol or drive the person home -human beings often care for other humans. It depends on your personal standards.  If your standard is "I'm good with casual sex as long as I know he'd give me basic care if needed or if I started crying he'd care that I was sad" that's your standard and that's fine. Especially if the person sees having intercourse in that sort of arrangement as a benefit.  

 

Yep, for me it has always been about the sex as i don't want a relationship at the moment and I've seen several guys casually the last year.  This one is the best in bed hence why it lasted beyond a few weeks.  I don't know if he sees other women but i would not be surprised as we are both free.  The sexual adventure we're having has been so much fun, for both of us, so I'm v glad he's been understanding about my meltdowns as that is ultimately what this arrangement is all about.  I'd be sad to lose him because of the hot sex.  I wonder if i could have sustained a traditional 'relationship' this last year having psychosis etc.  This casual partner has sustained perhaps because we agree there is no commitment/ investment.  I can't imagine being his girlfriend, it isn't what i want.  Lots of us for different reasons can't or don't want to be in a relationship, so when you find each other for some great sex it is actually something worth holding onto.   

 

PS sorry if i hijacked this thread with my story

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, rosie2 said:

Yep, for me it has always been about the sex as i don't want a relationship at the moment and I've seen several guys casually the last year.  This one is the best in bed hence why it lasted beyond a few weeks.  I don't know if he sees other women but i would not be surprised as we are both free.  The sexual adventure we're having has been so much fun, for both of us, so I'm v glad he's been understanding about my meltdowns as that is ultimately what this arrangement is all about.  I'd be sad to lose him because of the hot sex.  I wonder if i could have sustained a traditional 'relationship' this last year having psychosis etc.  This casual partner has sustained perhaps because we agree there is no commitment/ investment.  I can't imagine being his girlfriend, it isn't what i want.  Lots of us for different reasons can't or don't want to be in a relationship, so when you find each other for some great sex it is actually something worth holding onto.   

Yes for sure -if you both enjoy having sex with each other and you're both single and it's consensual go for it.  When I wasn't in a serious relationship I chose not to have casual sex.  By definition I know I cannot have good sex let alone great sex outside of a committed, loving, exclusive relationship.   Others do and can.  It's a choice.  You and your sex partner are on the same page which is great and you two have fun by having sex.