My Wife never seems to be happy. Is this my fault

[Hmmokay]

Hi, Everyone hope you all are well. 

Just starting with thank for taking the time to read this. Please do let me start with I am sorry for any punctuation mistakes.

I have been dating my current wife for 6 years and we got married 3 years ago. So where do I start we got married and first couple month was brilliant and then a year came up and everything went pretty much down hill and at times it just feels like we holding on to a thread. 

I am always made to feel I have done something wrong or never understood her and it’s like treading on egg shells, just waiting for her to start again. 

Since marriage every birthday supprise has been around or over £700 but to her it just never seems to be enough no matter how much I spend she always says this is not what I wanted and I don’t know her. I sit and listen to what she says but it’s always you should know me better you know me for 6 years. Even this year I renovated the house exactly how she wants but apparently it’s still a *** hole. I even randomly purchased her some flowers today on the way home from work which i admit I rarely do but today thinking she will be happy but she started to nit pick at them as all she likes are roses and i did knew this but couldn’t find any roses so I thought she would be happy but she wasn’t. 

As she started to nit pick I became a little upset and went upstairs she followed me to the bedroom and started to cry and once I asked why she said “why don’t you know me or try to understand me about what I like and don’t like” ect. I replied with I do as much as I can why don’t you understand, specially recently all my money gone to the renovation I am trying to budget. She replied with “You have been saying you can’t get what i want since i met you becuase you are trying to save”. I walked off and just seem nothing will make her happy I don’t know isit something i am doing wrong by not getting to know her even though I feel I do. 

Currently she crying very loud at the stairs and throwing things around. Feels like until I don’t say sorry and go make it up she won’t stop.

Other things like:

 1.When she is upset and crying or we argue she will not allow me to sleep. She will turn the light on and remove my duvet so for my own sleep i will say sorry. 

2.When we argue and it gets bad she text me saying she will take half of the house ect even though I purchased this house before I was married to her so for the sake of the house I will say sorry and carry on. 

3.I will always be saying sorry to sort our arguments out even though I know it’s not my fault.

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, Hmmokay said:

 we got married 3 years ago. So where do I start we got married and first couple month was brilliant and then a year came up and everything went pretty much down hill 

Have you considered marriage therapy? Clearly there's unspoken unresolved issues that are manifesting as these chronic arguments. What happened a year ago? Are there issues with intimacy? Finances? In-laws? Do you both work? 

[Kwothe28]

Have you ever thought that you married a superficial ungrateful woman? She is like a kid that bullies you when she doesnt get what she wants. Some of the stuff she does are literally abuse. 

What does she do for you? Does she buys you 700 pounds presents? Does she cook for you? Treats you nicely otherwise? Was she like that when you dated?

I am gona be frank, from what you described she seems like an entilted brat. A "Golddigger" even. That married you for money and now she can do whatever she wants. And you are allowing that to her because of some illusion of peace. And in circumstances like that, sorry, but divorce is the best option. Nothing what she takes is worthy of you being abused. You need to get out of there fast. 

[boltnrun]

No matter what you do it's going to be wrong or not good enough. Her goal is not to be happy and satisfied but to abuse you. 

I'm sorry you married an abuser.

And BTW, marriage counseling doesn't work with abusers. Counseling is for people who want insight and who sincerely want to make changes. She likely thinks YOU are the problem and doesn't think she needs to change a thing. In fact, she enjoys berating and punishing you and as a bonus she gets to cry and play the victim. 

I do recommend you look into individual counseling. An outside party can help you to see more clearly.

[Coily]

She's absolutely a terrible abuser, short of physical abuse it couldn't be more obvious. I mean crying and breaking things? Is she a toddler?

Since this is YOUR home, you need to make sure you keep it. She's like a locust, swooping in feeding upon you and your assets. I highly recommend  you document what you can during these incidents, if she's been breaking things take pictures. If she sends you nasty texts, save them. You need to ensure when divorce comes that your lawyer can flood the courtroom with the evidence of her abuse.

She will undoubtedly try to ruin you when she realizes the  gravy train is coming to an end. So brace for it. Though if she's so unhappy, she should be willing to hit the road so she can chase bigger wallets.

[Cherylyn]

Have an in depth conversation with your wife with zero distractions.  Both of you need to communicate better.  Don't try to figure out your wife.  She needs to know your thoughts, too.  Both of you should have a calm,  mature discussion so there is thorough comprehension regarding how both of you feel. 

Don't apologize just to keep the peace.  That was my mistake with some people in my life (not husband).  I groveled pathetically despite not being at fault in order to make amends and reconcile.  I will no longer sell my soul just to appease and pacify others.  No way.  Never again. 

While surprises are nice,  if both of you are misreading each other,  it's better to give, receive or save according to agreements.

For example, years ago, I was disappointed several times when my husband bought what I wasn't thrilled about.  Therefore,  I told him exactly what I wanted and which gifts were a waste of money to me.  I'm not a fan of flowers because they just die.  I don't like cake, candy, pie, trinkets nor impractical gifts.  Give me a chic purse (handbag) instead.  I would hint and he got the message! 💗 Or, a nice dinner out or take out.  Or, I'll buy myself clothes, shoes, etc.  I'll go to the hair salon,  get a manicure / pedicure.  Or, we'll have a picnic at the lake or park weather permitting.  We don't "read" each other.  He knows by now what I like and don't like. 

Regarding house improvement type projects, those are joint decisions and we agree to splurge because it's an investment. 

Sometimes I don't want nor need anything because what my husband does for me everyday is priceless.  He's extremely empathetic with high emotional intelligence. 

Ever since our sons were newborns, he has done everything to help me such as child rearing, errands, laundry, cooking, housecleaning, bookkeeping, chores, tasks, house maintenance and repairs everything, plumbing, construction, yard work, car repairs / maintenance, etc.  Unlike some wives, I've never had to run myself haggard by doing too much.  My husband makes being married to him easy, content and blissful.  Sometimes, it's not about the gifts but what you do daily which is worth more than its weight in gold.  

Also, his habits.  He's not a slob.  He's considerate.  During conversations, he doesn't interrupt.  He listens well.  I can take him anywhere.  He never humiliates me.  He never embarrasses me.  Impeccable manners is something I've always cherished in him. 

Pay attention to everything.  Sometimes problems are more deep seeded than gifts, house improvements, money, etc.  Even though both of you are married, get to know each other better because something is sorely amiss. 

I agree with others.  Seek professional marriage counseling.   

 

[redswim30]

I'm sorry to say, you are married to an abuser.  Please get out of this situation. 

I'm all for marriage counseling- but NOT in cases like this.  Not with abusers.  Counseling isn't a magic band-aid.  People have to WANT to change for counseling to be effective at all.  Otherwise, you'll just be spinning your wheels and delaying the inevitable. If she thinks everything is your fault, counseling won't change a thing.  It won't magically "open her eyes". 

Nothing you can do is going to make her happy.  Sounds like she doesn't love anyone, herself included.

Skip the counselor and start looking into lawyers. 

[spinstermanquee]

Hmmokay, reformed ballbreaker here... I caused a lot of pain in my 25+ year marriage by not realizing how I was negatively affecting the connection to my husband, by not honoring or recognizing his love for me.  I took him for granted, and my overall attitude was that our issues were due to a lack on his part.  I originally started therapy to work through the divorce - and in the process realized our issues were mostly on my part (!) - still attending and still trying to be a better person, every day.  He has made efforts too.

It does not sound like your wife is caring about your feelings and does not see a harmonious relationship as a goal - being willing to look at her part of the equation.  Like the pillars of the community here always say, people move towards pleasure and away from pain - she seems to enjoy being in the critical space with you as the bad guy with her as the innocent injured party. 

It's never all on one person in a relationship, there are usually two sides.  But she does sound over the top with her monetary expectations and putting you in the wrong.  I hope there is a way to peace for you both...

[a_lifters_life]

On 3/16/2023 at 3:47 PM, Hmmokay said:

Hi, Everyone hope you all are well. 

Just starting with thank for taking the time to read this. Please do let me start with I am sorry for any punctuation mistakes.

I have been dating my current wife for 6 years and we got married 3 years ago. So where do I start we got married and first couple month was brilliant and then a year came up and everything went pretty much down hill and at times it just feels like we holding on to a thread. 

I am always made to feel I have done something wrong or never understood her and it’s like treading on egg shells, just waiting for her to start again. 

Since marriage every birthday supprise has been around or over £700 but to her it just never seems to be enough no matter how much I spend she always says this is not what I wanted and I don’t know her. I sit and listen to what she says but it’s always you should know me better you know me for 6 years. Even this year I renovated the house exactly how she wants but apparently it’s still a *** hole. I even randomly purchased her some flowers today on the way home from work which i admit I rarely do but today thinking she will be happy but she started to nit pick at them as all she likes are roses and i did knew this but couldn’t find any roses so I thought she would be happy but she wasn’t. 

As she started to nit pick I became a little upset and went upstairs she followed me to the bedroom and started to cry and once I asked why she said “why don’t you know me or try to understand me about what I like and don’t like” ect. I replied with I do as much as I can why don’t you understand, specially recently all my money gone to the renovation I am trying to budget. She replied with “You have been saying you can’t get what i want since i met you becuase you are trying to save”. I walked off and just seem nothing will make her happy I don’t know isit something i am doing wrong by not getting to know her even though I feel I do. 

Currently she crying very loud at the stairs and throwing things around. Feels like until I don’t say sorry and go make it up she won’t stop.

Other things like:

 1.When she is upset and crying or we argue she will not allow me to sleep. She will turn the light on and remove my duvet so for my own sleep i will say sorry. 

2.When we argue and it gets bad she text me saying she will take half of the house ect even though I purchased this house before I was married to her so for the sake of the house I will say sorry and carry on. 

3.I will always be saying sorry to sort our arguments out even though I know it’s not my fault.

Ive been in this situation, married, to an ungrateful person. 

I highly recommend run.