How do I explain something to the Girl I am dating? Will this be a Red Flag for her? Need Advice!

[Fortnite]

Just now, Batya33 said:

Do you extend the trips ? How often are you home and available to date ?  Do you expect a girlfriend to be able to travel often with you ?

She has her own job so probably not. But my plan is that I will travel during the week for work, and on the weekends, I can spend time with my girlfriend. It will include some compromises, but we can work it out. She has her own life as well. 

[Fortnite]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Please understand that she might not want to tag along for a meal where she barely knows these people who live far away and they’re not even your family. What if she wants to do an activity that won’t fit in with your meal schedule ?  Think this through carefully. 

Well let me say this. Honestly I don't actually prioritize family as much, and when I was growing up, I considered a lot of these friends kind of like family, and prioritized them more in terms of trust and who I'd share things with. Call me crazy, but I was never the most loyal to family. Really my parents are the only ones in my family that I even make it a point to see. None of my grandparents are still alive, and I am not close with anyone else. Therefore, I call these friends brothers and sisters and they are kind of like my family to me. 

Not to mention, my parents live in Italy anyways, so I can't just see them at anytime. They only come back once every 2 years, so I usually do make sure I spend time with them then.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Fortnite said:

Well let me say this. Honestly I don't actually prioritize family as much, and when I was growing up, I considered a lot of these friends kind of like family, and prioritized them more in terms of trust and who I'd share things with. Call me crazy, but I was never the most loyal to family. Really my parents are the only ones in my family that I even make it a point to see. None of my grandparents are still alive, and I am not close with anyone else. Therefore, I call these friends brothers and sisters and they are kind of like my family to me. 

Not to mention, my parents live in Italy anyways, so I can't just see them at anytime. They only come back once every 2 years, so I usually do make sure I spend time with them then.

I didn’t mean it that way. Also it sounds like perhaps you are more invested in these long distance friends than Vice versa.  How often do they come to visit you ?  They have their own families right ?

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, Fortnite said:

But yes, of course we'll do things as a couple. A lot of those friends I only meet up with for meals and don't often spend all day with. We have the whole day to do things just as a couple. 

But she may not want to be squeezed in between your friend visits. I know if I was traveling with a committed partner I wouldn't want to combine our trips with visits to his friends. I would want our own stand alone vacation. 

What if she says "I would like us to go on our own trip that doesn't include visits or meals with your friends. Can we do that?"

[Fortnite]

6 hours ago, boltnrun said:

But she may not want to be squeezed in between your friend visits. I know if I was traveling with a committed partner I wouldn't want to combine our trips with visits to his friends. I would want our own stand alone vacation. 

What if she says "I would like us to go on our own trip that doesn't include visits or meals with your friends. Can we do that?"

Of course I would do that for her. I do think it is very important to get time alone with your partner and have a 1 on 1 vacation for sure. Not only am I willing to, but I would want to devote at least one one on one holiday with my girlfriend per year, possibly more. 

That being said, both this girl and I are very religious, and we strictly have boundaries that we do not sleep together prior to marriage. We are strictly virgins until getting married. 

[Fortnite]

7 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I didn’t mean it that way. Also it sounds like perhaps you are more invested in these long distance friends than Vice versa.  How often do they come to visit you ?  They have their own families right ?

Again I will see them if they travel to my town, but they don't visit as often as I visit them and we are ok with that. We are very chill, and there are no obligations at all.

[Batya33]

25 minutes ago, Fortnite said:

That being said, both this girl and I are very religious, and we strictly have boundaries that we do not sleep together prior to marriage. We are strictly virgins until getting married. 

So  then your female married friends socialize with you - they are not as strict then? From what I've heard if that is the rule then typically females who follow that rule wouldn't hang out one on one with males?

[Fortnite]

52 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

So  then your female married friends socialize with you - they are not as strict then? From what I've heard if that is the rule then typically females who follow that rule wouldn't hang out one on one with males?

We wouldn’t hangout one on one in a private place, but meeting for coffee or a meal for like 1-2 hrs is totally ok. 
 

Although like I said before, when I do see my female married friends, it’s often not one on one. Usually with their husbands or one of their other friends.

[Tinydance]

10 hours ago, Fortnite said:

I totally see where you're coming from, but my work involves a lot of travel as well. I often combine having meals with friends and business trips. I have to travel almost every week for work.

Dude honestly, I think with you needing to travel for work and Face Timing and visiting 25 + friends, do you honestly have time to have a girlfriend? You need to understand that in a relationship you need to actually give a lot of time to that relationship if you want it to be serious. You can't only see your girlfriend once a week or Face Time once a week. She needs to take up the majority of your time except probably your job.

[Tinydance]

2 hours ago, Fortnite said:

Of course I would do that for her. I do think it is very important to get time alone with your partner and have a 1 on 1 vacation for sure. Not only am I willing to, but I would want to devote at least one one on one holiday with my girlfriend per year, possibly more. 

That being said, both this girl and I are very religious, and we strictly have boundaries that we do not sleep together prior to marriage. We are strictly virgins until getting married. 

Well that's no problem but to actually get to the point that you would want to get married, you need a lot of quality time together first.

[Fortnite]

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

Well that's no problem but to actually get to the point that you would want to get married, you need a lot of quality time together first.

Yes and that should take at least a year, possibly 2-3.

[Fortnite]

2 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Dude honestly, I think with you needing to travel for work and Face Timing and visiting 25 + friends, do you honestly have time to have a girlfriend? You need to understand that in a relationship you need to actually give a lot of time to that relationship if you want it to be serious. You can't only see your girlfriend once a week or Face Time once a week. She needs to take up the majority of your time except probably your job.

I think 2 full days every weekend is a good amount. And anytime I’m in town, I do plan to spend time with her. She’s always welcome on my travels but she has her own jobs as well.

 

I can’t control my work responsibilities. They require me to travel.

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, Fortnite said:

I think 2 full days every weekend is a good amount. And anytime I’m in town, I do plan to spend time with her. She’s always welcome on my travels but she has her own jobs as well.

 

I can’t control my work responsibilities. They require me to travel.

Yes- so I was also honest about that when I worked full time at an intensely demanding career with travel and unpredictable hours.  The men who "got it" were men who had similar careers and schedules and were similarly ambitious and driven.  Then there were men who were in awe at first of what I did - until the first time I had to cancel a tentative weekday plan for work -or maybe the second.  Be selective if you choose to continue this particular career path.  Be up front and direct about that.  

I made time for relationships as I wanted to be a married mom if possible and certainly without settling.  But sometimes time meant an hour to grab dinner with my SO -in my office where I was working late.  And these days I too often have to explain to friends that -no- my husband does not have a 5 hour block of time to attend a bday party in the suburbs on a Saturday afternoon because his career requires long hours and since he is also my husband and extremely involved parent that often means catching up on work on weekends.  But when I make new friends I'm up front -I say- I can meet but if you want both of us there it's going to be a lot more difficult to schedule.

Families where the spouses work normal hour jobs or the mom is home and the dad works more like 9 to 5 very often don't get it and slap the workaholic label on our life so fast your head will spin (or imply it, so ridiculous).  Others however are willing -as I am always -to think outside the box and realize people have different lifestyles and don't all follow the same path.

So I would tell your new girlfriend - "I'm really interested in and enjoying getting to know you.  I travel regularly for work.  I am home most of the time on weekends but often not able to do plans during the week because I'm out of town.  On some business travel I'm able to grab a meal or take a walk with a friend who lives in the area when I'm not working.  Maybe sometimes if you have time off from work you can come with me and explore the city while I'm working and then we can do something later.  I know you have a job but just throwing it out there. "

Also be ready to discuss if you plan on this sort of schedule/career long term.  Especially if you'd like a family some day.  Some people make it work -I had to especially when my son was born, until age 7.  Still do but a little less so.  But I knew from our first date getting back together exactly what being with him would entail given his career. It helps me when I feel some resentment or just plain exhausted.  A lot actually - I liked knowing up front.  I bet most people do.  Good luck!

[indea08]

On 2/27/2023 at 10:06 PM, Fortnite said:

Hey Everyone, 

So I am a 23-year-old guy that just graduated from college a couple years ago, and working full-time. I recently started dating a girl that is 22-years-old. We've been on 5 dates, and are likely going to make it official pretty soon. This is my very first girl ever. I have never ever dated before, nor have I even been on one date before this. I love this girl a lot and very excited for what the future holds for the relationship.

Anyways, here is the issue here. Well honestly I don't consider it an issue at all, but I fear that my girl will find this as a red flag, and I just do not know how to tell her. I have about 25+ platonic friends that are girls (no romantic attraction whatsoever). However, when I say friends, I mean "friends" by dictionary definition. Not these casual situational friends or acquaintances. I mean "Friend" as in, we are purposeful friends, we text a lot, we FaceTime, we see each other, and they are priority friendships for me. Just like 2 guy best friends or 2 girl best friends. Most of them don't actually live in the area currently and are far away from me, so its not like I really get to spend much time with them these days in person, but I'd say that I FaceTime each one of them around once every 1-2 months for about an hour long. We text pretty regularly, but the texts are often about deep subjects like politics, the news, sports, hypothetical situations, funny stories, etc. We'll often be emotionally open with each other as well. 

Now I do have boundaries with these girls, like we would never hangout 1 on 1 in a closed space. Usually we always make sure a third person is there, or we meet for coffee or a meal at a restaurant. I do intend to introduce this new girl that I am dating to all of those people whenever I get the chance and go to their towns to visit them, but because many of them are long distance, its not like I can take my girlfriend around to see them just easily. Some of those girls that I am referring to are older married ladies like between 35-65 years old, while others are my age married, dating, or single. It's a huge variety. That being said, I DO make special trips around the country to see them from time to time (I do plan to tag my girl along on those trips from now on). The other thing that I am afraid my girl might find weird is that I am pretty darn emotionally attached to those friends, and they do mean a lot to me. Like I am very intentional with them and put a lot of effort into those relationships just like I do with my guy friends. 

I am not sure how weird this is, but just a little bit of background, I am actually a Third-Culture-Kid and lived a lot of my childhood life in Italy. My parents are both American but they live in Italy because they work for an international non-profit organization that has them living there. Therefore, in Italy we are a lot more purposeful, intentional, and serious about our friendships, and we are not just casual like you find here in the states. Friendships are more of a priority in Italy, and we value them a lot, are affectionate, and keep friends for life. This is nothing like the casual acquaintances you find here in the states where people call you a friend but they really don't mean anything by it. Some of those friends are other Americans that I met in Italy as their parents were with the same organization as my parents were with, and some we met at conferences involving the same organization, while others are friends from college here in the states. Most of them live here in the states now. When I was in college, you won't believe how many people were wielded out by my emotional attachments, many girls even mistaked my strong affection towards them, for having romantic interest. Anyways, I taught a lot of people here in the states about my different perspective on what friendship means do to my background, and some were very fascinated by it and those are the people that are still my friends now.  

I am also someone that loves people in general, and if there is anytime I might meet someone along my life journey, and I feel like I've had a good conversation with them, and really enjoyed their company, we'll exchange numbers, and keep in touch, whether it is a guy, girl, or whoever. Obviously, I would tell my new girl about all this (nothing is a secret from her), and include her in all those relationships. Just clarifying, some of those girls are not people that I have shared much of a life experience with, but just know them and crossed paths at different conferences throughout the years, and make efforts to see them. 

Anyways, do you think my new girl that I am dating might find this as a red flag? How did I explain all this to her? Girls on here, what do you think? Would all that I explained above be a red flag to you? Also I wouldn't mind a single bit if my girl had guy friends in the same way. It's completely natural to me. What you all think? Any ideas on how do I explain this to my girl?

If I were the potential girlfriend in this - and I’m trying to remember the mindset of a ~23 yr old - the make or break would be how you welcomed me into this, and your reaction to my feelings. You seem pretty unwavering in your point of view related to friendships, which is not wrong. However, if I (she) feel uncomfortable or want to know more, I (she) would need you to be understanding, open and honest, and patient. If I feel safe to tell you how I feel and trust that you’re going to help me feel better, then I’d likely adopt your ideas on friendship.

Many times in my past, when I’d voice concerns or frustration about another female, the man becomes defensive. They start arguing at me about why they weren’t wrong and why I shouldn’t be upset. It’s absolutely infuriating. If this is your approach, there aren’t many women who will stick around with 25+ competitors. 

Women are very strong, resilient, and understanding….IF you can listen to understand them. It’s all about how you make us feel.

[Batya33]

27 minutes ago, indea08 said:

If I were the potential girlfriend in this - and I’m trying to remember the mindset of a ~23 yr old - the make or break would be how you welcomed me into this, and your reaction to my feelings. You seem pretty unwavering in your point of view related to friendships, which is not wrong. However, if I (she) feel uncomfortable or want to know more, I (she) would need you to be understanding, open and honest, and patient. If I feel safe to tell you how I feel and trust that you’re going to help me feel better, then I’d likely adopt your ideas on friendship.

Many times in my past, when I’d voice concerns or frustration about another female, the man becomes defensive. They start arguing at me about why they weren’t wrong and why I shouldn’t be upset. It’s absolutely infuriating. If this is your approach, there aren’t many women who will stick around with 25+ competitors. 

Women are very strong, resilient, and understanding….IF you can listen to understand them. It’s all about how you make us feel.

For me it has very little to do with gender and much more to do with what a huge part these large number of friends play in his life and on top of that he’s often not around during the week. I recall being involved with a man who lived with his sibling and together they had a huge group of friends who were like family as their family was not close by. I liked them but at times it was too much because they’d randomly call or stop by on “date nights “ and my bf would allow them to come over too often. 

[Fortnite]

1 hour ago, indea08 said:

If I were the potential girlfriend in this - and I’m trying to remember the mindset of a ~23 yr old - the make or break would be how you welcomed me into this, and your reaction to my feelings. You seem pretty unwavering in your point of view related to friendships, which is not wrong. However, if I (she) feel uncomfortable or want to know more, I (she) would need you to be understanding, open and honest, and patient. If I feel safe to tell you how I feel and trust that you’re going to help me feel better, then I’d likely adopt your ideas on friendship.

Many times in my past, when I’d voice concerns or frustration about another female, the man becomes defensive. They start arguing at me about why they weren’t wrong and why I shouldn’t be upset. It’s absolutely infuriating. If this is your approach, there aren’t many women who will stick around with 25+ competitors. 

Women are very strong, resilient, and understanding….IF you can listen to understand them. It’s all about how you make us feel.

Thanks for this, as this is really what I was looking for! Now I have some follow up questions for you in regards to this!

If my potential girlfriend expressed concern or that she is uncomfortable, I would definitely listen and try to figure out the reasons and maybe ask her what I can do to make her more comfortable. I am willing to make sacrifice and compromises for her sake of course. However, if she were to demand I cut off contact with those people, I would likely break up with her, because that is just possessive to me. 

Can I ask, what would you have expected from your boyfriend after you voiced concerns about another female in his life? Is it ok if I ask you to give me an example of a time you were concerned, you expressed it, how he responded, and how you wish he responded? Just would like to know better if you don't mind sharing an example!

[Fortnite]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

For me it has very little to do with gender and much more to do with what a huge part these large number of friends play in his life and on top of that he’s often not around during the week. I recall being involved with a man who lived with his sibling and together they had a huge group of friends who were like family as their family was not close by. I liked them but at times it was too much because they’d randomly call or stop by on “date nights “ and my bf would allow them to come over too often. 

Regardless of how close your BF was to those people, I think he should've set some boundaries in terms of having some nights solely for date nights with you, and not letting them just pop in or come over at anytime. 

As I said, I love all those friends, but they wouldn't just come by or interrupt date nights. All those friends and I have some boundaries that we don't just call without setting up a time or stop by without plans unless it is an absolute emergency. All times we hangout and FaceTime generally need to be planned / scheduled in advance. 

[smackie9]

What you should be doing is telling your friends you have a GF. Then lets see who your real friends are. 

[Fortnite]

Just now, smackie9 said:

What you should be doing is telling your friends you have a GF. Then lets see who your real friends are. 

Obviously I will tell them when it is official, but what am I supposed to expect from them after that?

[smackie9]

Just now, Fortnite said:

Obviously I will tell them when it is official, but what am I supposed to expect from them after that?

Since you have never been in a relationship before you will experience some changes in yourself and how your friends treat you. Some people get totally absorbed in the new relationship and their friends don't really see much of them. Some friends might feel neglected, give up and fade away. As time goes on, you may lose friends and gain new ones through her. There are people who get jealous, feel uncomfortable about the friends, etc This is typical stuff. You will just have to see where it takes you. 

[Batya33]

55 minutes ago, Fortnite said:

Regardless of how close your BF was to those people, I think he should've set some boundaries in terms of having some nights solely for date nights with you, and not letting them just pop in or come over at anytime. 

As I said, I love all those friends, but they wouldn't just come by or interrupt date nights. All those friends and I have some boundaries that we don't just call without setting up a time or stop by without plans unless it is an absolute emergency. All times we hangout and FaceTime generally need to be planned / scheduled in advance. 

Yes but your friends are long distance. In general he was good about it and I did like the upsides of the close knit group.  

So -examples - my husband had one issue one time with one male friend of mine.  When we'd started dating he did not want me to meet my male friend for a one hour drink prior to the plan we had for the three of us to meet for dinner.  He'd never met this person and he felt that this guy's request so that he and I could talk about a personal issue he was having was inappropriate given that it was a date night.  We resolved it quickly. I called my male friend and told him . Male friend understood and we all met and he went out of his way to get to know and befriend my future husband.

Other example - I was fine with my husband meeting his ex girlfriend for dinner while on a business trip - she'd gotten married, they were former colleagues and he found it valuable to sort of keep the networking options open/keep the peace.  But if there hadn't been those professional concerns I likely would have told him I was not comfortable and I'm quite certain he would not have met her. 

I am friends with a woman my husband dated after he and I cancelled our wedding. He dated her briefly, it was not serious and I met her about 3 years after they dated and we became friendly once she married and had kids and we were in her city for a few months during certain summers.   They also are in the same field.  My son was friendly with her kids and she married a man by the same first name as my husband and we all are friendly.  It works.

I was once in a situation at a large group dinner where it so happened one of his former college classmates was also there.  I thought she was crossing lines/being somewhat flirtatious.  I did not like it.  But he was not responding so to me it was no issue -not with him, anyway.

But, we were at a wedding once -my friend. There was a lot of swing dancing -my husband knows how to.  I was newly pregnant but not showing.  I needed the restroom fairly often lol.  So I walked away for 5-10 minutes.  When I returned this random woman and my future husband were dancing.  Swing.  I cut in.  I gave her a look. 

He told me it was really awkward -she asked him to dance and he declined -said I was in the restroom and I wouldn't like it if I returned and he wasn't at our table.  She was pushy, saying that with swing dancing it's ok.  He felt awkward and figured I'd be back soon enough and make myself known LOL. 

I was fine with his decision and she had to deal with me staring at her maybe a few times.  But I trust him completely.  So given that maybe other women would have responded differently.  I get that Random Pushy Swing Dancing Lady was not his "friend" but it's another boundaries example.  

 

[Fortnite]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Yes but your friends are long distance. In general he was good about it and I did like the upsides of the close knit group.  

So -examples - my husband had one issue one time with one male friend of mine.  When we'd started dating he did not want me to meet my male friend for a one hour drink prior to the plan we had for the three of us to meet for dinner.  He'd never met this person and he felt that this guy's request so that he and I could talk about a personal issue he was having was inappropriate given that it was a date night.  We resolved it quickly. I called my male friend and told him . Male friend understood and we all met and he went out of his way to get to know and befriend my future husband.

I was once in a situation at a large group dinner where it so happened one of his former college classmates was also there.  I thought she was crossing lines/being somewhat flirtatious.  I did not like it.  But he was not responding so to me it was no issue -not with him, anyway.

Almost all the examples you mentioned sound pretty legit. I do have a question about these two. 

For the first example you mentioned, if I was the male friend, I probably would've done the exact same thing as he did. Go out of my way to befriend the husband. However, not everyone would do that. But I was just wondering, why didn't the male friend just talk about the personal issue with you and your husband? Thats probably what I would've done. Also how was it a date night if your male friend was tagging along? 

How was the classmate being flirtatious? Was she crossing boundaries in her texts and taxing things that were not really appropriate? 

[greendots]

Eeeh.... for example, I have genuine male friends who I have hung out with alone when in a relationship. Naturally, we did stuff like going out to lunch, walking at a park or some such. No sleeping overnight or anything that isn't appropriate when you are in a relationship.

Also, I usually assume that friends of the opposite gender who are married or in a relationship will bring their plus one when we hang out, even if it doesn't ultimately happen.

I think you need to ask her how she feels about it and see whether you guys are compatible on that front.

 

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, Fortnite said:

But I was just wondering, why didn't the male friend just talk about the personal issue with you and your husband? Thats probably what I would've done. Also how was it a date night if your male friend was tagging along? 

How was the classmate being flirtatious? Was she crossing boundaries in her texts and taxing things that were not really appropriate? 

My male friend had never met my husband and didn't want to catch up on personal stuff in front of him.  Makes perfect sense to me.  The former classmate was being too flirtatious in person at the group dinner.  Hadn't seen my husband in years and I think I'd met her once.  I was uncomfortable with her body language and the sense she was trying to flirt.  But I trusted my SO (we'd only been together -again -a few months at that point if I remember).  

As an aside- I've never actually looked at any texts on my husband's phone unless he showed me/wanted me to see.  Never had a desire.  Same with mine. I've never looked at any emails or messages on any of his devices -same from him to me. I didn't have a cell until 2009 when I was in my 3rd trimester of pregnancy and we didn't have smartphones till 2015 so before that we almost never texted.  I do not think I could be in a relationship like that.  In the "old school way" for the same reasons we don't ask each other who we're on the phone with either. 

Sometimes we know -it's obvious - and sometimes we tell each other in advance if it's a work call or important so we're not disturbed but I believe in a lot of private space in a relationship. 

If you are constantly texting/messaging with all of these people that's fine -as long as -IMO-that phone is put away while you are with your SO unless it's an emergency or you're not "with" each other -like getting work done in the same room, etc.  

[lostandhurt]

I hate to be blunt and ruin this but she is probably going to have a problem with you having so many female friends.

 If she had as many male friends that she texted and communicated with all the time as you do would you have a problem with it?  Be honest, would it cause you any worry? Insecurity?

  Also this is your first gf ever and it has only been 5 dates so please stop thinking you love this young woman since you hardly know her and she hardly knows you yet. 

 What you need to figure out is what will you do if she in fact has an issue with all these friends.  Stop seeing her or stop talking to your friends.

 From reading your responses it seems like these friends are more of a distraction from your real life than people that add substance and companionship.  Just my take on it.

  Lost