How do I explain something to the Girl I am dating? Will this be a Red Flag for her? Need Advice!

[Fortnite]

Hey Everyone, 

So I am a 23-year-old guy that just graduated from college a couple years ago, and working full-time. I recently started dating a girl that is 22-years-old. We've been on 5 dates, and are likely going to make it official pretty soon. This is my very first girl ever. I have never ever dated before, nor have I even been on one date before this. I love this girl a lot and very excited for what the future holds for the relationship.

Anyways, here is the issue here. Well honestly I don't consider it an issue at all, but I fear that my girl will find this as a red flag, and I just do not know how to tell her. I have about 25+ platonic friends that are girls (no romantic attraction whatsoever). However, when I say friends, I mean "friends" by dictionary definition. Not these casual situational friends or acquaintances. I mean "Friend" as in, we are purposeful friends, we text a lot, we FaceTime, we see each other, and they are priority friendships for me. Just like 2 guy best friends or 2 girl best friends. Most of them don't actually live in the area currently and are far away from me, so its not like I really get to spend much time with them these days in person, but I'd say that I FaceTime each one of them around once every 1-2 months for about an hour long. We text pretty regularly, but the texts are often about deep subjects like politics, the news, sports, hypothetical situations, funny stories, etc. We'll often be emotionally open with each other as well. 

Now I do have boundaries with these girls, like we would never hangout 1 on 1 in a closed space. Usually we always make sure a third person is there, or we meet for coffee or a meal at a restaurant. I do intend to introduce this new girl that I am dating to all of those people whenever I get the chance and go to their towns to visit them, but because many of them are long distance, its not like I can take my girlfriend around to see them just easily. Some of those girls that I am referring to are older married ladies like between 35-65 years old, while others are my age married, dating, or single. It's a huge variety. That being said, I DO make special trips around the country to see them from time to time (I do plan to tag my girl along on those trips from now on). The other thing that I am afraid my girl might find weird is that I am pretty darn emotionally attached to those friends, and they do mean a lot to me. Like I am very intentional with them and put a lot of effort into those relationships just like I do with my guy friends. 

I am not sure how weird this is, but just a little bit of background, I am actually a Third-Culture-Kid and lived a lot of my childhood life in Italy. My parents are both American but they live in Italy because they work for an international non-profit organization that has them living there. Therefore, in Italy we are a lot more purposeful, intentional, and serious about our friendships, and we are not just casual like you find here in the states. Friendships are more of a priority in Italy, and we value them a lot, are affectionate, and keep friends for life. This is nothing like the casual acquaintances you find here in the states where people call you a friend but they really don't mean anything by it. Some of those friends are other Americans that I met in Italy as their parents were with the same organization as my parents were with, and some we met at conferences involving the same organization, while others are friends from college here in the states. Most of them live here in the states now. When I was in college, you won't believe how many people were wielded out by my emotional attachments, many girls even mistaked my strong affection towards them, for having romantic interest. Anyways, I taught a lot of people here in the states about my different perspective on what friendship means do to my background, and some were very fascinated by it and those are the people that are still my friends now.  

I am also someone that loves people in general, and if there is anytime I might meet someone along my life journey, and I feel like I've had a good conversation with them, and really enjoyed their company, we'll exchange numbers, and keep in touch, whether it is a guy, girl, or whoever. Obviously, I would tell my new girl about all this (nothing is a secret from her), and include her in all those relationships. Just clarifying, some of those girls are not people that I have shared much of a life experience with, but just know them and crossed paths at different conferences throughout the years, and make efforts to see them. 

Anyways, do you think my new girl that I am dating might find this as a red flag? How did I explain all this to her? Girls on here, what do you think? Would all that I explained above be a red flag to you? Also I wouldn't mind a single bit if my girl had guy friends in the same way. It's completely natural to me. What you all think? Any ideas on how do I explain this to my girl?

[MissCanuck]

I don't think you need to sit her down and explain this to her. That would make it into a bigger deal than it acutally is. 

Rather, let her understand your friendships by living your life as you normally do and be transparent about it. If she asks questions, be honest. 

Time will tell if she is comfortable with it. Some women will be fine, others might not. It's only been 5 dates so try not get ahead of yourself. It's not a relationship yet so don't put too much pressure on yourself. 

2 hours ago, Fortnite said:

When I was in college, you won't believe how many people were wielded out by my emotional attachments

This is saying something, though. How attached are you, exactly? What do people find weird about it? I live in Italy as well, and I know frienships can be different here, but not to the point where the emotional attachment is unhealthy. There might be something you are saying or doing that others find off-putting. It would help if you could provide examples. 

[Kwothe28]

3 hours ago, Fortnite said:

Anyways, do you think my new girl that I am dating might find this as a red flag?

Most probably yes. Different cultures mean different level of cultural norms. What you who is raised by Italians consider "normal", Americans would probably considered "weird". Because they just dont go around befriending 60 year old Grandmas when they are 20 year old.

But hey, maybe she accepts it. Though I wouldnt bet on that if some of your friends are about your age and single. And that is another thing. You maybe consider it friendship. Some of those 20+ ladies are maybe not. So be careful with that if you will go around visiting them.

[Fortnite]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

I don't think you need to sit her down and explain this to her. That would make it into a bigger deal than it acutally is. 

Rather, let her understand your friendships by living your life as you normally do and be transparent about it. If she asks questions, be honest. 

Time will tell if she is comfortable with it. Some women will be fine, others might not. It's only been 5 dates so try not get ahead of yourself. It's not a relationship yet so don't put too much pressure on yourself. 

This is saying something, though. How attached are you, exactly? What do people find weird about it? I live in Italy as well, and I know frienships can be different here, but not to the point where the emotional attachment is unhealthy. There might be something you are saying or doing that others find off-putting. It would help if you could provide examples. 

Understood! I think the main thing that some people here in the states found weird about my attachments is that very often I’ll meet them for the first time, strike up some conversations, and then ask for their numbers for the sake of keeping in touch but more so on a platonic rather than romantic level. And I’d be intentional about wanting to spend time with them. Could be with another person present, but I feel like in the US, some people often feel that if a guy is really intentional in spending time with a girl and texting that he doesn’t know extremely well, he has romantic interest. Just because I might make a new friendship like that a priority, doesn’t mean I’m romantically interested.

Im not sure if this is so much Italian culture or more so a Third-Culture-Kid type culture. TCKs tend to build relationships and get attached a lot faster due to moving around a lot, coming & going at a much bigger extent, and wanting to maintain lifelong relationships. Like for example, it’s not unheard of for TCKs to only have known someone for one week and start sharing really personal stuff and already calling them a close friend and someone important in our lives that we care a lot about. I know that sort of thing would take a lot longer here in the US (probably a year at least).

And not everyone finds it weird but I’d say about 50% of the girls I met in college; including ones that I didn’t even make an effort with but they noticed how I behave around others.

 

[Fortnite]

31 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Though I wouldnt bet on that if some of your friends are about your age and single. And that is another thing. You maybe consider it friendship. Some of those 20+ ladies are maybe not. So be careful with that if you will go around visiting them.

Wait, are you saying that maybe the girls see it as more than friendship?

I mean I can’t read their minds, so anything is possible, but I’d think they’d really be expecting a lot more from me if they were exploring something romantic. Most of those girls live like 200-800 miles away, and I only make trips to their towns to see them 1-2 times a year. We FaceTime quite a bit, but again I’d think they’d expect a lot more time investment if they were romantically attracted and want me to visit them much more. Also, I’m not private about my friendships, and I’m pretty sure they know that I have those relationships with many girls.

[MissCanuck]

15 minutes ago, Fortnite said:

Im not sure if this is so much Italian culture

What you are describing is not typical in Italian culture, based on my experience of having lived here in Italy for more than a decade now. 

15 minutes ago, Fortnite said:

Like for example, it’s not unheard of for TCKs to only have known someone for one week and start sharing really personal stuff and already calling them a close friend and someone important in our lives that we care a lot about.

I know nothing about what you call TCK, but again, the above is not Italian culture. Most of the locals I know here would not proceed into friendships at warp speed like that, and they too would be uncomfortable with someone trying to get too close too quickly. Perhaps there is some weight to your theory that you having moved around a lot means you try to attach yourself a lot more quickly to new people. 

But given your past thread, you struggle to respect boundaries in friendships and tend to push yourself onto people. Have you gotten any help for that since your last thread? 

[Kwothe28]

37 minutes ago, Fortnite said:

Wait, are you saying that maybe the girls see it as more than friendship?

 

Do you know how many threads we get here from the women who message or FaceTime somebody from far away mistakenly thinking they like them back to start something? Quite a few. So its entirely possible some of those 20+ women arent exactly thinking in "friendly" direction. And that they have mistaken your "friendliness" for something else.

The same way your girlfriend maybe wont look at all those friendships and think they are platonic. Its a possibility that you need to be willing to take. 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Fortnite said:

.We've been on 5 dates.. I do intend to introduce this new girl that I am dating to all of those people whenever I get the chance and go to their towns to visit them, 

Take it one step at a time. It's 5 dates so keep asking her out and developing your relationship.

Trying to map all this out or give her a dissertation on culture, friendship, talking about taking her along to meet them, etc. isn't necessary and it's simply too confusing.

Many people are bicultural and many people are extroverted and many people have online chat friends. So complicating things with elaborate explaining  could be off-putting.

So just focus on the dating and getting to know her better. Having online chat friends is fine, but mapping out how she's going to meet them is way too much too soon.

Date and have fun getting to know her. 

[Batya33]

I'm American. born here, have always had friends -male and female, all ages and close friends. I don't agree at all with your generalizations.  I think you should regard your preferences as far more individual than cultural.  Are you friends with the spouses too and/or do they know about you? I wouldn't say a word to a new person just like you're not entitled to know about all of her friends.  Just let things evolve and know that different people -no matter their culture etc- have different boundaries.  Yes in certain religions there are strict boundaries about interacting with the opposite gender etc but barring that it's almost always individual.  Good luck!

[SooSad33]

17 hours ago, Fortnite said:

I'd say that I FaceTime each one of them around once every 1-2 months for about an hour long. We text pretty regularly, but the texts are often about deep subjects like politics, the news, sports, hypothetical situations, funny stories, etc. We'll often be emotionally open with each other as well.

IMO, they are only friends.  Not sure you should truly worry about any of this.

All you explained is what friends do! 🙂 

 

17 hours ago, Fortnite said:

I am also someone that loves people in general, and if there is anytime I might meet someone along my life journey, and I feel like I've had a good conversation with them, and really enjoyed their company, we'll exchange numbers, and keep in touch, whether it is a guy, girl, or whoever.

You're an outgoing, social person, by sounds of it, right?  No one should be penalized for it.

So, do as you do. And maybe, should she question anything, you explain you're just friends - you'll see over time if she can handle it or not.

 

[Fortnite]

Thank you all for your input! I think I was maybe overthinking this! I’ll admit, I often get caught up reading stories about suspicious people with their S/Os cheating on them on here, Reddit, and different threads, and it just freaks me out sometimes, as to what people get scared of. I guess I don’t need to really talk much about it unless she asks, but I’ll make sure I don’t hide anything either!

[SooSad33]

23 minutes ago, Fortnite said:

I often get caught up reading stories about suspicious people with their S/Os cheating on them on here, Reddit, and different threads, and it just freaks me out sometimes, as to what people get scared of.

Yeah, this is so no good.  I know a few who's kinda 'lost themselves', because of all they've seen, read, etc.

No, get your head out of all of this.  All is okay in moderation - is what I say.

But, live outside that box!  Look outside now & then, get some air, go do stuff.  Don't get lost in all of that crap.

 

[Tinydance]

Well, my personal belief is that yes males and females can be friends if neither of them is attracted to the other one. You asked women's opinions though so I'll just give you my opinion. Personally I do think you having all these female friends is a bit weird but it's not only because they're female.

Just my own belief with friendships is that it should be quality over quantity. I do have a couple of groups of close friends but they're not 25 people lol You're saying that all these 25 + women are not just acquaintances but your actual good friends and you put a fair amount of effort into the friendships. Just the way I see it is that you can't really have a truly close friendship with someone if you're actually spreading your time and attention between 25 + people. If you were studying at college full-time and now would be working, plus want a romantic relationship with that girl, I think you would struggle to keep Face Timing so many friends on a regular basis for 1 - 2 hours. 

I know you haven't been in a relationship before, but when you're in a relationship you should be mostly focusing on that person. I'm not saying you can't have friends or your own hobbies, but you need to have a good balance. In my opinion when you have a partner and you don't live with them, you should be dedicating most of your time to them. For example, you might see them a couple or a few times a week, and friends and family maybe once a week. Even if your friends were male, if you're texting and Face Timing them a lot, how can you have time to build your romantic relationship? I think especially at the start of the relationship you actually need to spend quality time with that person and really get to know them.

Also if you're 23 and you're "good" friends with women who are ranging between the ages of 35 - 65, sorry but that's weird. Women who are 65 are your grandmother's age. I'm not sure what you have in common with a woman who is probably retired or close to being retired, married and with kids and grand kids. I'm actually surprised they're friends with you lol Just personally I think the massive age differences you have with these women are bizarre, but that's just me lol 

I think you also need to keep in mind, yes in America it's a different culture than Europe. So you probably need to act more according to that culture because you're actually in the US, not in Italy. That's why there's even the advice that when you travel overseas, you need to study about certain cultural things and expectations and act accordingly. 

The other thing is that you mentioned some of your female friends are married. I think you need to be respectful towards their husbands in terms of having boundaries and acting appropriately towards these women. I'm not actually saying that you send them flirtatious messages or take them out on dates. I'm sure your intentions are platonic but their husbands don't know that. And the age difference might seem weird to them as well. I'm 38 and if my partner was often Face Timing a 23-year-old girl and going to visit her by himself in another city/state, I'd be like: "Hmmm, what's going on here?"

I think if you do end up getting serious with this girl, you might need to cut back on how much you contact these women. Also you probably shouldn't go visit them by yourself. You should bring your girlfriend along with you. Also 25 + female friends is a lot. I don't think you would have enough time to keep up friendships with all of them, especially if you have a girlfriend as well. So you may need to downgrade some of these women who aren't as close to just acquaintances that you speak to only occasionally.

[Tinydance]

14 hours ago, Fortnite said:

Understood! I think the main thing that some people here in the states found weird about my attachments is that very often I’ll meet them for the first time, strike up some conversations, and then ask for their numbers for the sake of keeping in touch but more so on a platonic rather than romantic level. And I’d be intentional about wanting to spend time with them. Could be with another person present, but I feel like in the US, some people often feel that if a guy is really intentional in spending time with a girl and texting that he doesn’t know extremely well, he has romantic interest. Just because I might make a new friendship like that a priority, doesn’t mean I’m romantically interested.

Im not sure if this is so much Italian culture or more so a Third-Culture-Kid type culture. TCKs tend to build relationships and get attached a lot faster due to moving around a lot, coming & going at a much bigger extent, and wanting to maintain lifelong relationships. Like for example, it’s not unheard of for TCKs to only have known someone for one week and start sharing really personal stuff and already calling them a close friend and someone important in our lives that we care a lot about. I know that sort of thing would take a lot longer here in the US (probably a year at least).

And not everyone finds it weird but I’d say about 50% of the girls I met in college; including ones that I didn’t even make an effort with but they noticed how I behave around others.

 

Just a question, do you find that you specifically get along better with women than men? I guess I'm just wondering why you have only female friends. You mentioned you often ask women's phone numbers to be friends. Do you also do this towards men? I mean, you don't have to be friends with guys if you don't want to. But as I mentioned I think in everything it's good to have balance. Most of my friends are female but I do have a couple of close male friends and some acquaintances. I actually like having male friends to get a more male perspective on life and I think it's good to be friends with more than only one gender. I would probably also recommend that you don't ask for women's phone numbers but rather just ask to add them to social media. Asking for a phone number I think in most cultures actually means you're romantically interested in that woman.

[Tinydance]

1 hour ago, Fortnite said:

Thank you all for your input! I think I was maybe overthinking this! I’ll admit, I often get caught up reading stories about suspicious people with their S/Os cheating on them on here, Reddit, and different threads, and it just freaks me out sometimes, as to what people get scared of. I guess I don’t need to really talk much about it unless she asks, but I’ll make sure I don’t hide anything either!

Well people do cheat on their partners sometimes and it's a real thing that can happen. That's why I was saying that you need to be mindful how you're acting towards these women. And how you're being perceived by them, their partners, and your girlfriend.

[Fortnite]

6 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Just my own belief with friendships is that it should be quality over quantity. I do have a couple of groups of close friends but they're not 25 people lol You're saying that all these 25 + women are not just acquaintances but your actual good friends and you put a fair amount of effort into the friendships. Just the way I see it is that you can't really have a truly close friendship with someone if you're actually spreading your time and attention between 25 + people. If you were studying at college full-time and now would be working, plus want a romantic relationship with that girl, I think you would struggle to keep Face Timing so many friends on a regular basis for 1 - 2 hours. 

I know you haven't been in a relationship before, but when you're in a relationship you should be mostly focusing on that person. I'm not saying you can't have friends or your own hobbies, but you need to have a good balance. In my opinion when you have a partner and you don't live with them, you should be dedicating most of your time to them. For example, you might see them a couple or a few times a week, and friends and family maybe once a week. Even if your friends were male, if you're texting and Face Timing them a lot, how can you have time to build your romantic relationship? I think especially at the start of the relationship you actually need to spend quality time with that person and really get to know them.

Also if you're 23 and you're "good" friends with women who are ranging between the ages of 35 - 65, sorry but that's weird. Women who are 65 are your grandmother's age. I'm not sure what you have in common with a woman who is probably retired or close to being retired, married and with kids and grand kids. I'm actually surprised they're friends with you lol Just personally I think the massive age differences you have with these women are bizarre, but that's just me lol 

The other thing is that you mentioned some of your female friends are married. I think you need to be respectful towards their husbands in terms of having boundaries and acting appropriately towards these women. I'm not actually saying that you send them flirtatious messages or take them out on dates. I'm sure your intentions are platonic but their husbands don't know that. And the age difference might seem weird to them as well. I'm 38 and if my partner was often Face Timing a 23-year-old girl and going to visit her by himself in another city/state, I'd be like: "Hmmm, what's going on here?"

I think if you do end up getting serious with this girl, you might need to cut back on how much you contact these women. Also you probably shouldn't go visit them by yourself. You should bring your girlfriend along with you. Also 25 + female friends is a lot. I don't think you would have enough time to keep up friendships with all of them, especially if you have a girlfriend as well. So you may need to downgrade some of these women who aren't as close to just acquaintances that you speak to only occasionally.

OK maybe, I wasn’t clear enough with some of what I wrote. To be honest, I do have a lot of free time and I’m really not worried about that. I tend to really prioritize relationships a lot. When I say I text them often, I don’t mean like everyday, but more so, we have text conversations going on nonstop and we usually respond whenever we have the time and energy. This could range from just an hour later to possibly not hearing from them for a few weeks. Mainly just ongoing conversations that both my friends and I get to whenever we have the time. In regards to FaceTiming, I do that on average once every two months with all of them. It really doesn’t actually take that much time, and of course I will always make sure that I have plenty of time for this new girl and she’ll be my priority of course! Also on another note, I can text extremely fast and it really doesn’t take much energy from me at all. I can send a long text to someone in less than a min.

Maybe though I wouldn’t actually say super close friends with all those 25 people, but definitely intentional and not casual acquaintances. I’d say probably somewhere in between a casual acquaintance and a close friend. It’s like I don’t see them on a regular basis but I’m very intentional with them and about staying in touch and seeing them 1-2 times a year.

Friends with women 35-65 years old? LOL!!! I will admit that that’s the weird side of me, and many people have told me it’s weird. It’s not the same kind of friendship as a peer to peer, but we really get along well and I really enjoy the wisdom I can get from older people, and I enjoy teaching them about what life is like in my generation and how we’re different. We also bond a lot over board games, hiking, and just mutual respect and chemistry. 

As for my married friends, I know all their husbands. I wouldn’t say I’m as close with their husbands as I am with them, but they know me and when I do travel to see them, usually I see them with their husbands as well. Although if their husbands aren’t available, we’ll sometimes just get a meal together at a restaurant. But I do plan to tag my girl along when I see them from now on as I want her to meet them and be friends as well, LOL!

It’s true that I might not be able to talk to those friends as often, but I still wouldn’t downgrade them to acquaintances. I’d say maybe just more distant friends but still very valuable and intentional.

[Fortnite]

6 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Just a question, do you find that you specifically get along better with women than men? I guess I'm just wondering why you have only female friends. You mentioned you often ask women's phone numbers to be friends. Do you also do this towards men? I mean, you don't have to be friends with guys if you don't want to. But as I mentioned I think in everything it's good to have balance. Most of my friends are female but I do have a couple of close male friends and some acquaintances. I actually like having male friends to get a more male perspective on life and I think it's good to be friends with more than only one gender. I would probably also recommend that you don't ask for women's phone numbers but rather just ask to add them to social media. Asking for a phone number I think in most cultures actually means you're romantically interested in that woman.

Yes I do this with guys as well! And I do have some guy friends, but I do feel like I tend to get along better with women. Mainly because I prefer just talking and having deep conversations rather than doing stuff. Most of my guy friends are actually the husbands of a lot of those women. As I mentioned before, I’m not close with all of their husbands, but some of those women, I’m actually very close with their husbands as well.

To be honest, a lot of those women don’t even use social media that often. How about asking for emails though? I feel like many of my friends use texting and email as their main method of communication. I never like to depend on social media for that. I think email is a good way to stay connected though; what do you think?

Honestly though, I don’t usually ask for their numbers directly. Instead I ask, “Hey can we keep in touch and stay connected?” And then if they say yes I ask how can we do that. Also I don’t even have social media accept Facebook, and I don’t use it all that often. I’m very old fashioned when it comes to that, but I really have no idea how platforms like Instagram, snap chat, or anything else work. I’m not on those platforms. 
 

Im curious, what you think of what I said?

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Fortnite said:

 I do plan to tag my girl along when I see them from now on as I want her to meet them and be friends as well.

It's only been 5 dates, so try to develop your relationship first. Keep in mind she has her own friends. Wait until you're in a relationship before trying to introduce these friends.

[Batya33]

So let's say your new "girl" wanted to spend a week visiting her family with you along, join her friends for a holiday, spend an evening at the theater or a concert with her friends or family such that you now had a lot less time to travel to see these other friends.  How would that feel? Are you ok decreasing that time you spend traveling? Because local friends you see in person as a logistical matter you can do that in a short period of time during the day, no travel no being away overnight.  

Some examples.  I have a guy friend who I met originally because we considered trying to meet and potentially date despite being long distance.  He lived a 2 hour plane flight away at that point. It was through a dating site.  in 2005.  We didn't meet and we really didn't flirt as he wanted a situation where I'd "wait" for him and not date anyone else till we could meet a month later.  We met as friends 5 years later. 

By then I was a married mom, living in a city closer to him where he happens to have close relatives and visits 1-2 times a year.  We met for a walk in the park and my husband couldn't make it. Also tagging along was a woman he'd had a first meet with the day before as well as my baby in a stroller! Since then I've met him for lunch twice when he's been in town, and now he actually does IT work for us (remotely).  

But - the last couple of times he's been in town -including this past weekend -I didn't meet him.  I prioritized my family.  I do ask my husband for time to see friends where my husband then has to be in charge of our son - but I do so sparingly because he does so much for me and our family so I have made sacrifices in that regard.

My friend who is single no kids sometimes doesn't get why I can't meet him at night (because then I'll be exhausted the next day and likely need a nap instead of doing stuff with the family), or why I can't ask my husband to pick up our son at school/activity so I can meet.  But he also knows he won't answer his phone till 11am because he sleeps in -but from his perspective that's fine/normal that he can't meet for breakfast let's say while he doesn't "get" the juggling I do in my life.

When my husband has friends/relatives in town he also limits his time with them and/or takes our son along or if we can all go we all go. 

At times we've had disagreements -and had to have pleasant discussions too -about priorities - should he leave us 2 hours early to chauffer around a visiting relative or friend? Race to the airport because his friend called and said his teenage daughter was alone there and missed her flight (he did and there were alternatives that did not involve that) -when he'd just gotten back from a business trip and our son was sick?  Go out late at night to meet a friend who suddenly couldn't meet earlier even though it would mess up my sleep?

Obviously a lot of this has to do with parenting and you may not want kids but there are also other priorities -your girlfriend might have aging parents, a sibling who needs her help, an intense job schedule so she cannot "tag along" on your trips. 

When you have that many friends scattered all over the time you spend texting, emailing, planning trips, going on trips -I mean it's gonna add up.  There's a huge upside to that -you obviously are a caring, giving person and these people seem like good people.  But don't tell yourself you can send a text in under a minute - think about when that minute is happening at the same time your girlfriend calls you and needs to tell you something and think about having her see you on your phone/device so much of the time.  Just stuff to consider.

I have several internet pen pals (all women) and always have.  I have many friends all over the US and international too. More than my husband for sure. His close friends are almost all from his schooling and past and current jobs.  He is really well-liked and a super loyal friend.  I get it. Just giving my perspective.

[boltnrun]

How much vacation time are you allotted per year? And do you use it all visiting these friends? 

Once you're in a relationship you will need to compromise. Your girlfriend might not want to spend HER vacation time "tagging along" on your friend visiting trips. She'll likely want to do something as a couple that doesn't involve others, at least sometimes. Are you willing to do this?

[Fortnite]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

So let's say your new "girl" wanted to spend a week visiting her family with you along, join her friends for a holiday, spend an evening at the theater or a concert with her friends or family such that you now had a lot less time to travel to see these other friends.  How would that feel? Are you ok decreasing that time you spend traveling? Because local friends you see in person as a logistical matter you can do that in a short period of time during the day, no travel no being away overnight.  

Some examples.  I have a guy friend who I met originally because we considered trying to meet and potentially date despite being long distance.  He lived a 2 hour plane flight away at that point. It was through a dating site.  in 2005.  We didn't meet and we really didn't flirt as he wanted a situation where I'd "wait" for him and not date anyone else till we could meet a month later.  We met as friends 5 years later. 

By then I was a married mom, living in a city closer to him where he happens to have close relatives and visits 1-2 times a year.  We met for a walk in the park and my husband couldn't make it. Also tagging along was a woman he'd had a first meet with the day before as well as my baby in a stroller! Since then I've met him for lunch twice when he's been in town, and now he actually does IT work for us (remotely).  

But - the last couple of times he's been in town -including this past weekend -I didn't meet him.  I prioritized my family.  I do ask my husband for time to see friends where my husband then has to be in charge of our son - but I do so sparingly because he does so much for me and our family so I have made sacrifices in that regard.

My friend who is single no kids sometimes doesn't get why I can't meet him at night (because then I'll be exhausted the next day and likely need a nap instead of doing stuff with the family), or why I can't ask my husband to pick up our son at school/activity so I can meet.  But he also knows he won't answer his phone till 11am because he sleeps in -but from his perspective that's fine/normal that he can't meet for breakfast let's say while he doesn't "get" the juggling I do in my life.

When my husband has friends/relatives in town he also limits his time with them and/or takes our son along or if we can all go we all go. 

At times we've had disagreements -and had to have pleasant discussions too -about priorities - should he leave us 2 hours early to chauffer around a visiting relative or friend? Race to the airport because his friend called and said his teenage daughter was alone there and missed her flight (he did and there were alternatives that did not involve that) -when he'd just gotten back from a business trip and our son was sick?  Go out late at night to meet a friend who suddenly couldn't meet earlier even though it would mess up my sleep?

Obviously a lot of this has to do with parenting and you may not want kids but there are also other priorities -your girlfriend might have aging parents, a sibling who needs her help, an intense job schedule so she cannot "tag along" on your trips. 

When you have that many friends scattered all over the time you spend texting, emailing, planning trips, going on trips -I mean it's gonna add up.  There's a huge upside to that -you obviously are a caring, giving person and these people seem like good people.  But don't tell yourself you can send a text in under a minute - think about when that minute is happening at the same time your girlfriend calls you and needs to tell you something and think about having her see you on your phone/device so much of the time.  Just stuff to consider.

I have several internet pen pals (all women) and always have.  I have many friends all over the US and international too. More than my husband for sure. His close friends are almost all from his schooling and past and current jobs.  He is really well-liked and a super loyal friend.  I get it. Just giving my perspective.

I totally see where you're coming from, but my work involves a lot of travel as well. I often combine having meals with friends and business trips. I have to travel almost every week for work.

[Batya33]

31 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

How much vacation time are you allotted per year? And do you use it all visiting these friends? 

Once you're in a relationship you will need to compromise. Your girlfriend might not want to spend HER vacation time "tagging along" on your friend visiting trips. She'll likely want to do something as a couple that doesn't involve others, at least sometimes. Are you willing to do this?

Yes. You put it much more succinctly than me. When my parents married in 1950s my mom’s Sunday plans were to spend the day with extended family at her parents house. They loved my father but there was a language barrier. And my father was not interested in spending one of his days off - sometimes his only day off - sitting inside for hours listening to the same family stories. He liked to take day trips or go to museums or a movie etc. Pre us kids.
 So he told my mom they’d need to limit to more like once a month. They were in their early 20s.  My mom at first had a hard time with it - she moved from her parents home to her marital home -but then completely understood and ended up loving the various activities they did. 

[Fortnite]

34 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

How much vacation time are you allotted per year? And do you use it all visiting these friends? 

Once you're in a relationship you will need to compromise. Your girlfriend might not want to spend HER vacation time "tagging along" on your friend visiting trips. She'll likely want to do something as a couple that doesn't involve others, at least sometimes. Are you willing to do this?

I get about a month of vacation time per year. I usually use it for friends, but also my job requires a lot a lot of travel. I travel almost every other week, sometimes every week, and often to places where those friends live. I'll combine work and friends on the same trip. Sometimes I need to go to conferences as well. But yes, of course we'll do things as a couple. A lot of those friends I only meet up with for meals and don't often spend all day with. We have the whole day to do things just as a couple. 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Fortnite said:

I totally see where you're coming from, but my work involves a lot of travel as well. I often combine having meals with friends and business trips. I have to travel almost every week for work.

Do you extend the trips ? How often are you home and available to date ?  Do you expect a girlfriend to be able to travel often with you ?

[Batya33]

Just now, Fortnite said:

I get about a month of vacation time per year. I usually use it for friends, but also my job requires a lot a lot of travel. I travel almost every other week, sometimes every week, and often to places where those friends live. I'll combine work and friends on the same trip. Sometimes I need to go to conferences as well. But yes, of course we'll do things as a couple. A lot of those friends I only meet up with for meals and don't often spend all day with. We have the whole day to do things just as a couple. 

Please understand that she might not want to tag along for a meal where she barely knows these people who live far away and they’re not even your family. What if she wants to do an activity that won’t fit in with your meal schedule ?  Think this through carefully.