How do I explain something to the Girl I am dating? Will this be a Red Flag for her? Need Advice!

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, Fortnite said:

I mean if an older women finds me flattering and thinks I am into them, I'll take it. Obviously, I am not into them, and they probably wouldn't date me like you said, but if I am making them feel good by giving them my attention, I mean that's a great thing!

But that's not being a true friend -it's one sided and misleading.  The opposite of being a friend.  Will that person really want to meet your girlfriend and want to hear about her? 

An example. We're thinking of moving neighborhoods within the next year but staying in the general area.  A real estate agent emailed me sort of "cold call" as I'd only requested general info on a place to live. I can tell she has decades of experience and I wouldn't be surprised if we know people in common. 

I'd love to pick her brain about the hood -more information is good! But I also know if I needed an agent I would not pick her (I know people who I would) and I could rationalize "well if she takes the time to share her insights about this area that's part of her job and she knows maybe I'd refer her to business".  But slim chance of that.

If I led her to believe I was interested in buying as opposed to renting and interested in using her as an agent in order to get her to call me and give me good info that would be me leading her on even if she felt good about courting a potential prospect/networking.  You also made a business comparison above. And I think it's the same with making new friends and not being up front about your motives, your type of interest, future prospects.

Also RawTruth's input is spot on IMHO.

[Fortnite]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

At this point you've been on 6 dates and still don't know her that well. So there's elements you can't exactly plan for.

Between your work, travel and social media friends, the challenge will be finding the time to build a relationship.

Have you and the woman you're dating added each other to your social media? Has she mentioned the excessive amount of social media "friends" you have?

We are not friends on social media but this is because I only do Facebook and she only does Instagram. We have no desire to make FB or Insta accounts ourselves.

[Fortnite]

Seriously, why are we talking about Facebook Friends right now? 
 

Why does it matter how many FB friends you have? Why are we even taking social media that seriously? I said before that social media is only used to stay connected and have discussions mainly on a public level. I really don’t buy into social media much at all. All my personal relationships, we communicate over text and email. 

[Fortnite]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

But that's not being a true friend -it's one sided and misleading.  The opposite of being a friend.  Will that person really want to meet your girlfriend and want to hear about her? 

That is a very good question! I would hope so! Because if not, it would put me in a very uncomfortable position. I honestly believe that friends that don't take interest in your S/O and have no desire to meet are NOT true friends, but more so people that hang around to see how much they can get out of you. 

I agree clear intentions are very important.

[Fortnite]

4 hours ago, Tinydance said:

I'm not sure if this is an age thing or not, as I realise I'm 15 years older than you. I think as people get older, often they'll realise what's really important in life and which people are the true lasting friends. It's understandable that in life priorities change as your life changes. Obviously right now you've never been in a relationship so you have a particular outlook on life and friendships. I think if for example you were 40 and you had a wife and kids, you might realise that they need to be your number one focus. That doesn't mean that you need to dump your friends.  But because as a parent you don't have much free time, you may need to only focus on friends who are your real close friends. Having 3, 500 people on Facebook and 25 + female friends may just not fit in with life as a husband or father. Which I understand you don't have to worry about right now.

Personally I actually would consider it a red flag even that you have 3, 500 Facebook friends. My ex fiance would actually add every single person he met to Facebook and invite to our events and it used to annoy me. When we were having our engagement party, I actually thought very carefully about who I would invite because we had a function room and food catering booked. We didn't actually mail paper invitations but just had the event on Facebook. We were going to mail paper invitations for the wedding. I made my fiance co-host of the Facebook event. Then I realised that he'd invited some people to the engagement party that we basically didn't know. For example he invited this couple that we'd met at a party only once and then we never saw them in person again or talked to them even online. Whereas I had to cull who I invited and didn't even invite some very long term acquaintances. 

I think you also need to understand that in friendships there need to be boundaries. You said something like: "Well if an older lady is flattered, that's great!" I don't think it's great if that woman is actually married and she's into you. You seem to look at friendships and relationships in a bit of a careless and innocent way and that's not always good. Even if you might think nothing of it but you need to try to see the whole picture.

For example, let's say I work with a male colleague and we happen to have a lunch break always at the same time. I think he's a nice guy and I love to go get a coffee. So I could say to him, let's always go get lunch and coffee together on our break. But if I'm in a relationship/married and/or he's in a relationship/married, I need to think about what my partner and their partner would think too and what their views are. And I need to be careful that I don't come across as romantically interested if I'm asking this man to have lunch with me every time.

You need to think in terms of adult relationships and not like with children. Where a boy sees a girl at a playground and it's like: "Yay let's be best friends". Adult relationships and friendships are more complicated.

Honestly just because I add people on FB does NOT mean that they're actually a real friend. It just means they are someone I know. I would never invite just any random people to events, but again, I don't really organize my personal life and events on Facebook. To be honest, I only look at social media as the next step after just a social club, like this Forum. The difference is, I have met all my FB friends in person, but I use it as only a step up from things like "This Forum" and it's not really much about my personal life. 

I agree that boundaries are important in friendships, but I'd say I have more relaxed boundaries than the average person. In your example, if you're asking that man to have lunch everyday, I don't see anything wrong with it head on, but if I were you, I would run it over by my S/O / Spouse first and see what they think. The other person is responsible for communicating with his S/O / Spouse. But generally I wouldn't ask an opposite gender to meet one on one everyday unless I am interested romantically. I do think that's excessive. However, if we did it in a group, I wouldn't see anything wrong with that. I agree that if you asked a guy to get lunch one on one every single day, that could signal romantic interest. 

[Batya33]

32 minutes ago, Fortnite said:

That is a very good question! I would hope so! Because if not, it would put me in a very uncomfortable position. I honestly believe that friends that don't take interest in your S/O and have no desire to meet are NOT true friends, but more so people that hang around to see how much they can get out of you. 

I agree clear intentions are very important.

Right. So if you sense an older woman is flattered because she thinks you are into her it’s a good idea especially if you have a partner to tell that person and also show through actions you have no such interest in her. Actions meaning choosing not to do certain things as well which might give the wrong idea.  
For example my older neighbor asked me years ago if I’d be her walking companion since she saw me power walking daily. she needed the motivation. I knew this was not a favor I was willing to do so very politely I said that given my tight schedule I’d be unable to do that arrangement. I didn’t want to. I don’t want to work out with anyone else. It’s my time and I have such limited time and I have no interest in helping this person in that way.
She likely was a little surprised. She seemed like a very nice person. But if I’d taken the opportunity to befriend her I’d likely have mislead her to believe that if she kept asking I’d agree to walk with her. Same with you. If you see a person is flattered by your attention and a woman then it’s the right thing to do to keep your distance completely or find a way to simply and directly tell the person how it would be great to get to know each other and how you are happily in a relationship.
It’s fine if you say this as separate statements as you don’t want to assume romantic interest. I’ve had that not work well but all it meant was the person still asked me out and I said no. Then stopped contact. 

[Jaunty]

You have different experiences of friendships than many other people do. It's not because of cultures, it's personal.

Even the most socially engaged club kid doesn't have 25 "close" friends, generally speaking. 

There is usually a core group of true close friends, of a much lower number.   I assume that the woman you're dating also has different experiences of friendship than you do.   She is likely to read your situation as being more similar to the average, and not feel threatened by your 25 "close" female friends.

You may be making a mountain out of a molehill.  This discussion right here is pretty confusing.  I suggest you don't subject your budding relationship to any of this.

Just keep dating, getting to know, and see where that goes.  At the same time, do what you do with all the other people, while remaining aware that you need to prioritize a romantic interest, if this is really what you are interested in developing.  

See how it all plays out.

[boltnrun]

One of my three closest friends is a young man 24 years younger than me.  I do not secretly think or hope he finds me attractive lol.  He's the exact same age as my son which in my mind would be, frankly, kind of icky.  That definitely is not the basis of why I am close friends with him.  He and I just hit it off.  We communicate pretty much every day but only see one another every two years or so because we live several hundred miles apart.  And he's married, and we did see one another without his spouse present when we used to live in the same city, but nothing inappropriate ever happened.  Not even close.

However, I don't have 25 friends that I travel to see.  I'm traveling to see another close friend in a couple of months (she and her spouse have also traveled to see me) and a third friend and I get together when I visit her city (my former city) or she visits my area, again about every year to two years.  But that's it.  And these are people I've known for years, not someone I met once and got immediately attached to.  For me, real friendships form over time.  Only once did I feel an immediate affinity for someone and she and I became friends, but again it was over the course of several months.  And I don't ask people for their contact info to try to form a friendship right after meeting them because to me that would be presumptuous.  Or travel to them specifically to ask them to be my friend, because again that would seem pushy and presumptuous.

All I can advise is you take into account this woman you're dating might not want to spend her precious vacation time visiting all of your friends.  She likely will want to spend it with you and possibly with some of her friends.  So please don't insist she "tag along" while you visit these 25 friends.  

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Fortnite said:

We are not friends on social media but this is because I only do Facebook and she only does Instagram. 

Ok, then the topic of excessive FB 'friends' may not come up, so just focus on getting to know each other. You may have to reframe how you relate in in-person relationships, like dating this woman. Make sure you enjoy dating and being with someone close by.