How do I explain something to the Girl I am dating? Will this be a Red Flag for her? Need Advice!

[Fortnite]

6 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

I hate to be blunt and ruin this but she is probably going to have a problem with you having so many female friends.

 If she had as many male friends that she texted and communicated with all the time as you do would you have a problem with it?  Be honest, would it cause you any worry? Insecurity?

  Also this is your first gf ever and it has only been 5 dates so please stop thinking you love this young woman since you hardly know her and she hardly knows you yet. 

 What you need to figure out is what will you do if she in fact has an issue with all these friends.  Stop seeing her or stop talking to your friends.

 From reading your responses it seems like these friends are more of a distraction from your real life than people that add substance and companionship.  Just my take on it.

  Lost

Honestly, as long as I trusted my girlfriend, I really would not have a problem with her communicating with a number of guy friends. As long as I felt that I was her priority when it came to investment for the most part, I'd be fine. I would definitely want to meet those friends, but I wouldn't push it. However, if I felt she was hiding something from me, then I might feel uneasy, but only if I really had a reason to be suspicious.

If she had an issue with it, I would probably ask her why, and at first, I would talk about it with her and see if we can come to a compromise in order to make her more comfortable. Like maybe propose the fact that I create group texts with all those friends that are girls and include my girlfriend in all those texts so she can see what we are talking about. That would definitely be one proposal. Another thing I would propose is that I'd stop hanging out with those girls one on one, and always invite her along. If she can't come, I'll make sure that either their husband's or another one of their friends is present to avoid 1 on 1s. However, if we cannot come to a compromise, and she insist I stop communicating with those friends, I will break up immediately with her. I REFUSE to cut communication with those 25 friends that I have known and have been key to my life. I will not do that for the world. 

These friends being a distraction? Excuse Me? Those friends have been important people in my life one way or another. And I care for them so much. I LOVE people in general, and would never ever call any one of my friends a distraction. They all add substance in different ways.

[Batya33]

Obviously it's bizarre to demand that someone you're dating cut off communication with 25 friends. But with 25 friends you will face situations where she feels she is being treated rudely, or feels they are not being thoughtful if let's say you two have a child and they insist you leave the child with a sitter too often, etc.  Have you had to choose who to prioritize -yet -with any of these 25 friends?

[Fortnite]

6 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Obviously it's bizarre to demand that someone you're dating cut off communication with 25 friends. But with 25 friends you will face situations where she feels she is being treated rudely, or feels they are not being thoughtful if let's say you two have a child and they insist you leave the child with a sitter too often, etc.  Have you had to choose who to prioritize -yet -with any of these 25 friends?

I’ve had to make choices before in the past on who I’d prioritize on certain visits yes. We’re all relaxed about it. Honestly, I don’t think any of these 25 friends really have high expectations of me and nor do I of them. It’s mostly, we just have mutual love and respect for each other and we try to see each other whenever possible and we can make it work. But there’s no pressuring or high expectations. We both realize that we have lots of priorities in life that do not involve each other, and it’s ok. We’re very relaxed, and the only expectation we really have of each other is just being intentional in keeping up and trying to see each other whenever we can make it work.

Also in terms of a child, that would be our choice, and if a friend were to demand that, that’d honestly be intruding on our private business in my opinion. 

[Fortnite]

13 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

Also this is your first gf ever and it has only been 5 dates so please stop thinking you love this young woman since you hardly know her and she hardly knows you yet. 

LOL!!! You have a point! This just makes me laugh because I was always the kind of person that would get attached to people quickly without knowing them very well. 
 

It’s like I’d meet someone for the first time, they’d become a new acquaintance that I quickly become extremely fond of, and then by the next week, I’d be making sacrifices for them, and going way out of my way to see them as if they were one of the most important people in my life!!! 
 

I’d form a specific idea of them in my head and get so attached! Some people felt uncomfortable by it while others would feel so honored, flattered, and find it cute!

[MissCanuck]

Why do you want to attach yourself so quickly to people?

That’s what I would be wondering if I  were dating you and observed this behaviour.

[Tinydance]

I know people can be different and have different opinions but to be honest I'm not really seeing your point of view. I know you're 23 and you've never been in a relationship before and I'm 38 and been in many. Personally I think you defending your friendships with these 25 + female friends is coming from your inexperience with romantic relationships.

A lot of people are not really OK with their partner having opposite gender friends. Often they're OK with it only in a certain capacity. For example, that they all catch up in a group or couples double dating sort of thing. Many people don't like it if their partner was communicating too much with a friend of the opposite gender or catching up one-on-one. To be honest I think you're a bit naive to think that it's really no big deal. I'm not saying you're not allowed to have ANY female friends but you have a bit of an extreme case here.

1. ALL your friends are female and it's a very large amount.

2. Some of them are double and triple your age.

3. You travel every week for work, Face Time and visit these friends regularly.

If I was your girlfriend, I would want my partner to focus on ME. I don't want to be like woman number 26 or number 30 in his life. I want to be his number one. 

Also I don't really understand how you're saying you "truly love" all these friends because that's a lot of people. I just don't think that a person can honestly have time to build true and deep close friendships with 25 + people. Usually people only have a few close friends and the rest are acquaintances. To me having that many "close friends" just seems a bit like people collecting just because you like to have a lot of people in your life. Just how some people keep adding people to Facebook and end up with like 1, 000 Facebook friends but it's not their real friends.

[Tinydance]

5 hours ago, Fortnite said:

LOL!!! You have a point! This just makes me laugh because I was always the kind of person that would get attached to people quickly without knowing them very well. 
 

It’s like I’d meet someone for the first time, they’d become a new acquaintance that I quickly become extremely fond of, and then by the next week, I’d be making sacrifices for them, and going way out of my way to see them as if they were one of the most important people in my life!!! 
 

I’d form a specific idea of them in my head and get so attached! Some people felt uncomfortable by it while others would feel so honored, flattered, and find it cute!

I actually don't think that's normal to get so attached to someone in one week. Real friendships and relationships take time to build.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Fortnite said:

Also in terms of a child, that would be our choice, 

It's only been 5 dates. Try not to get ahead of yourself. Focus first on dating this woman and establishing a relationship. As far as your friends, that's fine. You'll adjust accordingly when you have a relationship. it's impossible to map everything out until you get to know her better.

[Batya33]

[Edited to add -I read Tinydance's post more carefully after I wrote this and I really like how she put this and it's similar to my sense of things maybe?]

 

It sounds like you get attached quickly then go into people pleaser mode so that is flattering to the recipient who enjoys that sort of thing -being pampered/intensely focused on -and to many it's also a turn off, a pink or red flag- too much too soon.  I mean when my son was 7 he met a boy at the playground, I think they raced their hotwheels cars and a couple of minutes later I overhear him saying "OK so - we're friends now, right??" That's cute for a 7 year old (I think the boy agreed yes they were!).  

I get a strange sense from how you define and are behaving in what you are calling close friendships.  It's strange for me because for most of my life pre-kid (so from ages let's say 4-43) I was extremely social, extroverted, constantly meeting people, making really close friends, good friends, friends, acquaintances.  I am less so now but I get the importance of friendships, the priorities, having close friends of opposite gender.

My sense of you is your inordinate focus on these 25 or so good friends has a strong component of this people pleaser mentality, of clinging on for dear life, to the point where you're this focused and worried after just 5 dates because you also have to explain to this person why you choose to get so attached to people so fast and start going all out for people you barely know. 

That part is not about being a good friend or good person - it's more about your neediness I think.  Yes of course  you mean well and are a good friend but something is not sitting right with how you describe this arrangement and how you go about meeting and getting quickly attached to people.

[Fortnite]

12 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Why do you want to attach yourself so quickly to people?

That’s what I would be wondering if I  were dating you and observed this behaviour.

Well I was kind of saying it as a joke, but usually the main reason I would do that is if I do not regularly come into contact with them and see them everyday. I still want some kind of friendship with them, and that is the only way to make it happen.

[Fortnite]

7 hours ago, Tinydance said:

I know people can be different and have different opinions but to be honest I'm not really seeing your point of view. I know you're 23 and you've never been in a relationship before and I'm 38 and been in many. Personally I think you defending your friendships with these 25 + female friends is coming from your inexperience with romantic relationships.

A lot of people are not really OK with their partner having opposite gender friends. Often they're OK with it only in a certain capacity. For example, that they all catch up in a group or couples double dating sort of thing. Many people don't like it if their partner was communicating too much with a friend of the opposite gender or catching up one-on-one. To be honest I think you're a bit naive to think that it's really no big deal. I'm not saying you're not allowed to have ANY female friends but you have a bit of an extreme case here.

1. ALL your friends are female and it's a very large amount.

2. Some of them are double and triple your age.

3. You travel every week for work, Face Time and visit these friends regularly.

If I was your girlfriend, I would want my partner to focus on ME. I don't want to be like woman number 26 or number 30 in his life. I want to be his number one. 

Also I don't really understand how you're saying you "truly love" all these friends because that's a lot of people. I just don't think that a person can honestly have time to build true and deep close friendships with 25 + people. Usually people only have a few close friends and the rest are acquaintances. To me having that many "close friends" just seems a bit like people collecting just because you like to have a lot of people in your life. Just how some people keep adding people to Facebook and end up with like 1, 000 Facebook friends but it's not their real friends.

I see what you're saying! And first of all, I agree 100% that your S/O should be person number 1 in your life, and if I do end up actually liking this girl and wanting to move forward, she will definitely be number 1. Otherwise, I wouldn't end up dating her. We're not official yet though, so I am still thinking and trying to figure out how much I like her. She is probably doing the same.

Again though, I'm ok with using a group text or meeting them with a third person there and not 1 on 1 if it makes my girlfriend more comfortable. What do you think? Would that solve the issues? I can sacrifice one on ones. And NOT all my friends are female, I do have male friends too.

LOL, I have about 3,500 FB friends, but most of them are just acquaintances that I don't know super well. OK let me tell you this: growing up, I was a third culture kid that moved to different places almost every 1-2 years and met a lot of new people. Also building relationships is part of my job now, as I work for a non-profit organization that is mainly focused on ministry. Due to the nature of my job, there is really no lines between professional and personal relationships. My job requires me to build relationships with people basically. It's a religious organization. 

[Fortnite]

7 hours ago, Batya33 said:

[Edited to add -I read Tinydance's post more carefully after I wrote this and I really like how she put this and it's similar to my sense of things maybe?]

 

It sounds like you get attached quickly then go into people pleaser mode so that is flattering to the recipient who enjoys that sort of thing -being pampered/intensely focused on -and to many it's also a turn off, a pink or red flag- too much too soon.  I mean when my son was 7 he met a boy at the playground, I think they raced their hotwheels cars and a couple of minutes later I overhear him saying "OK so - we're friends now, right??" That's cute for a 7 year old (I think the boy agreed yes they were!).  

I get a strange sense from how you define and are behaving in what you are calling close friendships.  It's strange for me because for most of my life pre-kid (so from ages let's say 4-43) I was extremely social, extroverted, constantly meeting people, making really close friends, good friends, friends, acquaintances.  I am less so now but I get the importance of friendships, the priorities, having close friends of opposite gender.

My sense of you is your inordinate focus on these 25 or so good friends has a strong component of this people pleaser mentality, of clinging on for dear life, to the point where you're this focused and worried after just 5 dates because you also have to explain to this person why you choose to get so attached to people so fast and start going all out for people you barely know. 

That part is not about being a good friend or good person - it's more about your neediness I think.  Yes of course  you mean well and are a good friend but something is not sitting right with how you describe this arrangement and how you go about meeting and getting quickly attached to people.

OK, I generally do not go into people pleasing mode. I have my boundaries and don't have the time to go all out for people all the time. There have been plenty of requests that I have had to reject just due to boundaries, etc, and me having other responsibilities. I will admit, I probably do cling on to more people than the average person would, but that is because I notice real qualities in people on deeper levels that I'm unsure if most people pay much attention to, and I admire those qualities in those specific people. Everyone is different. We all bond better with some people than others. 

When it comes to my neediness, obviously we all need friends and people in our live. That is a given, but I also enjoy helping them and doing things for them because I love them. I'd never do something for someone that I didn't really want to do out of kindness or obligation. 

From my experience though, while I wouldn't say people pleaser, I have got very attached quickly, and some people I think were turned off and did feel like it was a red flag because it was too much too soon. They felt I was too attached for how well I knew them, and it seemed really weird. IDK why it was so weird to them, but my guess is likely because those qualities can often be displayed by narcissists or toxic / dangerous people just to gain trust, and they were afraid of that. 

But some really felt flattered, and loved it. I'd say it's a little like dating where I get intensely focused right away but just in a platonic way, and can get a little obsessed. But as I see more of them and get to know them better, that fixation dies down and becomes more of a normal relationship and it'll often turn into just real platonic love. It's almost a similar cycle to the start of romantic relationships but just in a platonic way. This happens with guys as well with me actually.

It's actually very similar to how they make friends in the Netherlands. It's often like dating. You'll meet someone for the first time. If the interaction goes well, you'll get more, if not you'll never hear from them. Then you kind of think in your head, how this person will fit into your life, and how you can include them as a friend. This is the Dutch way of making friends, although they do it a lot slower than I myself would often. 

A lot of the people that find this really flattering and love it are the older ladies actually.

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, Fortnite said:

My job requires me to build relationships with people basically. It's a religious organization. 

Have you been seeing the woman in this thread? Has it progressed to more than a few dates?

It seems like the biggest challenge will be making time for a relationship, not how many friends you have or if they're men or women.

[Fortnite]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have you been seeing the woman in this thread? Has it progressed to more than a few dates?

It seems like the biggest challenge will be making time for a relationship, not how many friends you have or if they're men or women.

Yes! We’ve been on about 6 dates now! It’s slowly progressing.

[Batya33]

I would be careful before assuming that this reflects something “deeper “ in you or some sort of incredible talent in connecting with people / or “noticing “ their deep qualities  as far as your choice to focus on this many friendships and this sort of attachment. That’s because the focus with a potential partner will have to be a lot more simple and basic and if you explain it as “well it’s just because I’m such a loving and insightful person and so many people are drawn to me and Im unlike typical people who are so buried in their phones and keep their distance “ etc. it’s just not gonna fly.
The whole how you do this because you have superior insight or superior friendship skills blah blah - in this context it’s going to come across sort of braggy and like she’s signed on to be with the Pied Piper of friendship.
 

Or will come across too cynical about how friendships are simply not valued anymore but you - you are different and she should be grateful you’re such a good friend.  

Because when push comes to shove she’s not gonna go along with you practicing your talents by amassing all these friends with the result that you spread yourself too thin for a man who says he wants a serious partner. Just a suggestion. 

[Fortnite]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I would be careful before assuming that this reflects something “deeper “ in you or some sort of incredible talent in connecting with people / or “noticing “ their deep qualities  as far as your choice to focus on this many friendships and this sort of attachment. That’s because the focus with a potential partner will have to be a lot more simple and basic and if you explain it as “well it’s just because I’m such a loving and insightful person and so many people are drawn to me and Im unlike typical people who are so buried in their phones and keep their distance “ etc. it’s just not gonna fly.
The whole how you do this because you have superior insight or superior friendship skills blah blah - in this context it’s going to come across sort of braggy and like she’s signed on to be with the Pied Piper of friendship.
 

Or will come across too cynical about how friendships are simply not valued anymore but you - you are different and she should be grateful you’re such a good friend.  

Because when push comes to shove she’s not gonna go along with you practicing your talents by amassing all these friends with the result that you spread yourself too thin for a man who says he wants a serious partner. Just a suggestion. 

Oh No, I didn't mean to brag at all. Sorry if it came across that way. I won't go as far as to say that one way is better than the other. Everybody is different, has their own needs, views, and meaning of what friendship is. Nobody is better than anyone else. Everyone is different and unique in their own ways.

What I meant to say is that what I look for in friendship is different from most people, and therefore I pay attention to certain qualities in people that many might overlook in friendships or not take notice of. This means that these specific people are good choice friends for "ME personally", but not at all does it mean they are better than the other person, NO NO NO NO NO. 

I think what I was trying to say is my definition of friendship and what matters to me is a little different when compared to most people at least in the USA culture. 

[Tinydance]

3 hours ago, Fortnite said:

OK, I generally do not go into people pleasing mode. I have my boundaries and don't have the time to go all out for people all the time. There have been plenty of requests that I have had to reject just due to boundaries, etc, and me having other responsibilities. I will admit, I probably do cling on to more people than the average person would, but that is because I notice real qualities in people on deeper levels that I'm unsure if most people pay much attention to, and I admire those qualities in those specific people. Everyone is different. We all bond better with some people than others. 

When it comes to my neediness, obviously we all need friends and people in our live. That is a given, but I also enjoy helping them and doing things for them because I love them. I'd never do something for someone that I didn't really want to do out of kindness or obligation. 

From my experience though, while I wouldn't say people pleaser, I have got very attached quickly, and some people I think were turned off and did feel like it was a red flag because it was too much too soon. They felt I was too attached for how well I knew them, and it seemed really weird. IDK why it was so weird to them, but my guess is likely because those qualities can often be displayed by narcissists or toxic / dangerous people just to gain trust, and they were afraid of that. 

But some really felt flattered, and loved it. I'd say it's a little like dating where I get intensely focused right away but just in a platonic way, and can get a little obsessed. But as I see more of them and get to know them better, that fixation dies down and becomes more of a normal relationship and it'll often turn into just real platonic love. It's almost a similar cycle to the start of romantic relationships but just in a platonic way. This happens with guys as well with me actually.

It's actually very similar to how they make friends in the Netherlands. It's often like dating. You'll meet someone for the first time. If the interaction goes well, you'll get more, if not you'll never hear from them. Then you kind of think in your head, how this person will fit into your life, and how you can include them as a friend. This is the Dutch way of making friends, although they do it a lot slower than I myself would often. 

A lot of the people that find this really flattering and love it are the older ladies actually.

Would you say you're an attractive guy? I think the reason why the older ladies find it flattering isn't necessarily because they think you're a super nice guy (you probably are) or there's a great friendship connection. Honestly I think you sound a bit naive and innocent. I know you've never dated anyone before or had sex and that's OK. Not all the time but unfortunately a lot of the time male and female interactions are based on physical and sexual attraction. A large portion of the time they're not just sweet and innocent like they are between little boys and girls but they have an agenda, you know? Maybe YOU don't have an agenda but many other men and women do.

The reason why the older ladies find you flattering is because they're double or triple your age and it's probably been a very long time since a young man interacted with them who isn't their son or grandson. It's not common for guys to act so attached towards women they just met, especially if there's such a big age gap. So my guess is they actually think you might be into them/they're into you. Maybe they're not into you in the sense that they'd actually date you but they feel good that a much younger guy is giving them attention. For example, my best friend is 39. She's married with two kids and has been with her husband for 14 years. She went clubbing one time with a girl friend and a guy in his 20's hit on her. She was telling me that excitedly and was like: "OMG I was so flattered!"

Sorry but to me you actually do seem like someone that just likes to say you have a lot of friends or you know a lot of people. If you have 3, 500 Facebook friends that's just crazy. There is no way most of them can even be your acquaintances. People that have that many Facebook friends probably just add every single person they ever meet or even add randoms.

[lostandhurt]

So it sounds like if your gf has a problem with your vast amount of female friends you will break up with her.

 I certainly hope it doesn't come to that but at least you have decided what you will do when the time comes.

Since this is your first romantic relationship I am sure you know you have a lot to learn.

I wish you the best and after the friendships get brought up some time in the future come back and let us know how it all worked out.

 Lost

[Batya33]

29 minutes ago, Fortnite said:

think what I was trying to say is my definition of friendship and what matters to me is a little different when compared to most people at least in the USA culture. 

What an odd comparison and generalization! There is no USA culture related to friendship - and so how do you come to the notion that you have a different definition of friendship than most people in the USA culture?  I'm American.  I have and have always had friends from a variety of cultures.  As many in the USA do.

[TheRawTruth]

What I would do, is ask her about HER friendships. Who is her best friend, or her longest friend. A simple "Oh yeah, you guys close?" can get her to go on and on about that friend which opens up the subject. So when she asks, "What about you?" You can tell her how much you value friendship. You can mention the Italy thing if you want to, or you can just say "I actually have lots of people I consider friends. Guys AND girls. Nooo, not like THAT. I mean ACTUAL friends, like platonic. I don't get to see them much because many live out of state, but I value them."

This way, the conversation is happening. She's aware of it. She understands your view on things, and it's not a surprise later. You don't have to say "25 of them are girls but only 6 of them are guys." No. There's no REASON to say that. She didn't ask. Sometimes the specifics are unnecessary unless they inquire. If they do, fine. But volunteering the AMOUNT of friends when you already think she may react negatively is counterproductive.

Make it clear that you'd happily introduce you to all of them. But ALSO make sure she likes you as much as you like HER. So far, you've said you LOVE her very much, but you've only been on 5 dates. So let's be sure the feelings are mutual before you invest so much.

[Fortnite]

58 minutes ago, TheRawTruth said:

What I would do, is ask her about HER friendships. Who is her best friend, or her longest friend. A simple "Oh yeah, you guys close?" can get her to go on and on about that friend which opens up the subject. So when she asks, "What about you?" You can tell her how much you value friendship. You can mention the Italy thing if you want to, or you can just say "I actually have lots of people I consider friends. Guys AND girls. Nooo, not like THAT. I mean ACTUAL friends, like platonic. I don't get to see them much because many live out of state, but I value them."

This way, the conversation is happening. She's aware of it. She understands your view on things, and it's not a surprise later. You don't have to say "25 of them are girls but only 6 of them are guys." No. There's no REASON to say that. She didn't ask. Sometimes the specifics are unnecessary unless they inquire. If they do, fine. But volunteering the AMOUNT of friends when you already think she may react negatively is counterproductive.

Make it clear that you'd happily introduce you to all of them. But ALSO make sure she likes you as much as you like HER. So far, you've said you LOVE her very much, but you've only been on 5 dates. So let's be sure the feelings are mutual before you invest so much.

Sounds Good!

[Fortnite]

7 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

So it sounds like if your gf has a problem with your vast amount of female friends you will break up with her.

 I certainly hope it doesn't come to that but at least you have decided what you will do when the time comes.

Since this is your first romantic relationship I am sure you know you have a lot to learn.

I wish you the best and after the friendships get brought up some time in the future come back and let us know how it all worked out.

 Lost

I'll definitely let you know what happens after it all takes place. Will probably take a couple months at least though. I am not in a rush, but just want to be prepared. I'm the kind of person that likes to plan ahead and be prepared for awkward situations before they happen so I know exactly what to do and how to respond in case something happens!

Kind of similar to how in companies, we always prepare for fire alarms, and have drills. I do that with relationships as well. 

[Fortnite]

7 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Would you say you're an attractive guy? I think the reason why the older ladies find it flattering isn't necessarily because they think you're a super nice guy (you probably are) or there's a great friendship connection. Honestly I think you sound a bit naive and innocent. I know you've never dated anyone before or had sex and that's OK. Not all the time but unfortunately a lot of the time male and female interactions are based on physical and sexual attraction. A large portion of the time they're not just sweet and innocent like they are between little boys and girls but they have an agenda, you know? Maybe YOU don't have an agenda but many other men and women do.

The reason why the older ladies find you flattering is because they're double or triple your age and it's probably been a very long time since a young man interacted with them who isn't their son or grandson. It's not common for guys to act so attached towards women they just met, especially if there's such a big age gap. So my guess is they actually think you might be into them/they're into you. Maybe they're not into you in the sense that they'd actually date you but they feel good that a much younger guy is giving them attention. For example, my best friend is 39. She's married with two kids and has been with her husband for 14 years. She went clubbing one time with a girl friend and a guy in his 20's hit on her. She was telling me that excitedly and was like: "OMG I was so flattered!"

Sorry but to me you actually do seem like someone that just likes to say you have a lot of friends or you know a lot of people. If you have 3, 500 Facebook friends that's just crazy. There is no way most of them can even be your acquaintances. People that have that many Facebook friends probably just add every single person they ever meet or even add randoms.

Attractive guy? Please don't ask me. I am not the one to judge myself. That is for others to decide, not me. If I share my thoughts, I either come across as arrogant or terrible self esteem depending on what I think. I'm not going to answer as to whether I am an attractive guy or not, as that is for others to decide. 

However, if I am being honest, I would NOT call myself the kind of cool guy that the majority of girls would probably find very attractive and want to date. I am quite different and out of the ordinary. All I can say, is I am NOT normal, and people in general would find me kind of weird (not in a bad way necessarily but just different, out of the ordinary, and unpredictable). 

I am well aware of the common hidden agenda between male and female interaction, and it makes me sad honestly. I often think that hidden agenda usually is way more on the male side though. At least that is what I always hear.

I will admit that when it comes to Facebook, I DO tend to add everyone I meet. Social Media is a place to stay connected and up to date with people, and not where my private life is at all. Its not so much just to say I know people, but more so I like to keep connections open or the possibility of reaching out to someone if I need something or trying to build relational connections for one reason or the other. I also blog a lot about food and soccer on there, so I accept people because they might want to follow my comments on food and soccer. 

I mean if an older women finds me flattering and thinks I am into them, I'll take it. Obviously, I am not into them, and they probably wouldn't date me like you said, but if I am making them feel good by giving them my attention, I mean that's a great thing!

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Fortnite said:

. I'm the kind of person that likes to plan ahead and be prepared for awkward situations before they happen 

At this point you've been on 6 dates and still don't know her that well. So there's elements you can't exactly plan for.

Between your work, travel and social media friends, the challenge will be finding the time to build a relationship.

Have you and the woman you're dating added each other to your social media? Has she mentioned the excessive amount of social media "friends" you have?

[Tinydance]

4 hours ago, Fortnite said:

Attractive guy? Please don't ask me. I am not the one to judge myself. That is for others to decide, not me. If I share my thoughts, I either come across as arrogant or terrible self esteem depending on what I think. I'm not going to answer as to whether I am an attractive guy or not, as that is for others to decide. 

However, if I am being honest, I would NOT call myself the kind of cool guy that the majority of girls would probably find very attractive and want to date. I am quite different and out of the ordinary. All I can say, is I am NOT normal, and people in general would find me kind of weird (not in a bad way necessarily but just different, out of the ordinary, and unpredictable). 

I am well aware of the common hidden agenda between male and female interaction, and it makes me sad honestly. I often think that hidden agenda usually is way more on the male side though. At least that is what I always hear.

I will admit that when it comes to Facebook, I DO tend to add everyone I meet. Social Media is a place to stay connected and up to date with people, and not where my private life is at all. Its not so much just to say I know people, but more so I like to keep connections open or the possibility of reaching out to someone if I need something or trying to build relational connections for one reason or the other. I also blog a lot about food and soccer on there, so I accept people because they might want to follow my comments on food and soccer. 

I mean if an older women finds me flattering and thinks I am into them, I'll take it. Obviously, I am not into them, and they probably wouldn't date me like you said, but if I am making them feel good by giving them my attention, I mean that's a great thing!

 

I'm not sure if this is an age thing or not, as I realise I'm 15 years older than you. I think as people get older, often they'll realise what's really important in life and which people are the true lasting friends. It's understandable that in life priorities change as your life changes. Obviously right now you've never been in a relationship so you have a particular outlook on life and friendships. I think if for example you were 40 and you had a wife and kids, you might realise that they need to be your number one focus. That doesn't mean that you need to dump your friends.  But because as a parent you don't have much free time, you may need to only focus on friends who are your real close friends. Having 3, 500 people on Facebook and 25 + female friends may just not fit in with life as a husband or father. Which I understand you don't have to worry about right now.

Personally I actually would consider it a red flag even that you have 3, 500 Facebook friends. My ex fiance would actually add every single person he met to Facebook and invite to our events and it used to annoy me. When we were having our engagement party, I actually thought very carefully about who I would invite because we had a function room and food catering booked. We didn't actually mail paper invitations but just had the event on Facebook. We were going to mail paper invitations for the wedding. I made my fiance co-host of the Facebook event. Then I realised that he'd invited some people to the engagement party that we basically didn't know. For example he invited this couple that we'd met at a party only once and then we never saw them in person again or talked to them even online. Whereas I had to cull who I invited and didn't even invite some very long term acquaintances. 

I think you also need to understand that in friendships there need to be boundaries. You said something like: "Well if an older lady is flattered, that's great!" I don't think it's great if that woman is actually married and she's into you. You seem to look at friendships and relationships in a bit of a careless and innocent way and that's not always good. Even if you might think nothing of it but you need to try to see the whole picture.

For example, let's say I work with a male colleague and we happen to have a lunch break always at the same time. I think he's a nice guy and I love to go get a coffee. So I could say to him, let's always go get lunch and coffee together on our break. But if I'm in a relationship/married and/or he's in a relationship/married, I need to think about what my partner and their partner would think too and what their views are. And I need to be careful that I don't come across as romantically interested if I'm asking this man to have lunch with me every time.

You need to think in terms of adult relationships and not like with children. Where a boy sees a girl at a playground and it's like: "Yay let's be best friends". Adult relationships and friendships are more complicated.