Looking for advice on handling a disappointing visit

[pastoralcucumbers]

Hi All, 

 

I’m looking for some advice. I’ve been talking to a girl for about a month. We live in different cities, but I had already visited her once before. Things had been going great up until this past weekend.  

 

This past weekend I went to visit her for a few days. On the second day, I woke up congested and with a splitting headache. I attributed it to getting very little sleep the night before (this sometimes happens to me), so I went to the nearest drugstore and picked up some cold meds to clear things up. 

 

My symptoms abated, but I felt weird and anxious after that (I’m usually confident and relaxed with her). I didn’t feel like myself. I felt like I was trying to act normally.  She noticed, and at the time we attributed it to the pressure of meeting up again and the high expectations we had set for one another. When the drugs wore off, my symptoms returned even worse. At that point, I recognized that I was actually sick and flew home so as not to endanger her any further (I tested and it’s not COVID). 

 

After returning home and looking up the side effects of the meds, I called her and explained what I thought happened. Nevertheless, she seemed put off. We agreed to stop talking until I’m back in town next month (I happen to be moving there soon, so I’m looking at apartments). I understand where she’s coming from; we were in the early stages, so she has only my word that my behavior wasn’t typical. 

 

I like this girl. I don’t want something as arbitrary as the common cold to end things before they even begin. If anyone has any insight on how to best approach the situation, I’m all ears. 

[reinventmyself]

36 minutes ago, pastoralcucumbers said:

 

I like this girl. I don’t want something as arbitrary as the common cold to end things before they even begin. If anyone has any insight on how to best approach the situation, I’m all ears. 

If something this arbitrary causes her to be offput by it, reconsider how much you really like this girl.  If she was crazy about you, she should have the opposite reaction, reaching out to check on you and showing a little bit empathy or interest.

You can't fix a lack of interest.  Her being put off by you becoming ill is a bad look on her.

At this point all you can do is contact her as agreed and see what happens.  Other than that, there isn't much you can do.  

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, pastoralcucumbers said:

. We agreed to stop talking until I’m back in town next month. she has only my word that my behavior wasn’t typical. 

What was this atypical behavior? It seems like it wasn't about getting ill per se, but something that happened during the visit if she wants no contact. 

[pastoralcucumbers]

4 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

If something this arbitrary causes her to be offput by it, reconsider how much you really like this girl.  If she was crazy about you, she should have the opposite reaction, reaching out to check on you and showing a little bit empathy or interest.

You can't fix a lack of interest.  Her being put off by you becoming ill is a bad look on her.

At this point all you can do is contact her as agreed and see what happens.  Other than that, there isn't much you can do.  

Thank you for your quick response. I really appreciate it.

It isn't so much that I think she lacks empathy - my concern after speaking with her is that my explanation wasn't persuasive. I've noticed that in the post-covid dating world, people seem less likely to excuse bad behavior when someone says they're sick, because so many people use it as a pretense, i.e. a boy who cried wolf.

Ultimately, I think you're right. There probably isn't much I can do other than reaching out when I'm feeling like myself again.

[pastoralcucumbers]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

What was this atypical behavior? It seems like it wasn't about getting ill per se, but something that happened during the visit if she wants no contact. 

I didn't do or say anything inappropriate or offensive, I was just acting generally off and anxious - most likely a mix of the cold itself and the cold meds I was hopped up on. I had actually met with some other friends during my visit, and they also commented that I seemed off.

Not talking until I'm back in town was a mutual decision. I was actually the one that first suggested it, because I got the sense that it would be uncomfortable for both of us to continue talking until we could meet in person again and confirm that the awkwardness of this past visit was a fluke.

[smackie9]

She probably felt you lacked interest, and you just gave it an excuse. She's having second thoughts. Let her have her space to think about it....let her miss you. 

[pastoralcucumbers]

I should add – she had previously expressed some uneasiness about the temporary distance (I’m moving there within the next few months, and I fly out about once a month to see friends and family). I'm going for a few weeks next month. I’m worried that my unattractive behavior this past weekend either validated those feelings, see my earlier comment about us thinking it was anxiety due to the pressure of me coming to visit, or just turned her off, i.e. thinking that was the real me. In a way, it is about the distance, because if I lived there I could have just rescheduled our plans once I started to feel off instead of trying to push through it.

 

I have no problem taking a step back until I’ve actually moved there. What I’m wrestling with now is whether and how to communicate in the meantime.

[pastoralcucumbers]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

She probably felt you lacked interest, and you just gave it an excuse. She's having second thoughts. Let her have her space to think about it....let her miss you. 

Possibly... in the moment it felt like the lack of interest was coming from her end. At the very least, I wasn't planning to reach out until I'm back to 100%.

[Jaunty]

I'm still wondering exactly what the behavior was that you think put her off.   You mention "excusing bad behavior" and that your explanation wasn't "persuasive enough."  This makes me think that you're aware of some specific thing(s) besides acting anxious.

My perspective is different from the other poster; if you didn't feel well and your behavior was so off that it required a persuasive explanation, I'm thinking it could be a valid red flag for a person.  You showed how you act when you are not feeling well and maybe she really didn't like that.   

If I've got the timeline right, you have spent time with her twice?  Both were multiple day dates, i'm assuming.  And you're planning to move there.  So there is a ton of pressure on this extremely early stage of dating, because it looks like you're moving right into a committed relationship that's all set up.  If she thinks you act like a real pill when you don't feel well, she might decide she is not ready to sign up for the long haul right now.

Some "normal" dates are very useful when starting up a new relationships. The ones that can be cut short or cancelled if you're sick.

Get well soon.

[pastoralcucumbers]

33 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

I'm still wondering exactly what the behavior was that you think put her off.   You mention "excusing bad behavior" and that your explanation wasn't "persuasive enough."  This makes me think that you're aware of some specific thing(s) besides acting anxious.

My perspective is different from the other poster; if you didn't feel well and your behavior was so off that it required a persuasive explanation, I'm thinking it could be a valid red flag for a person.  You showed how you act when you are not feeling well and maybe she really didn't like that.   

If I've got the timeline right, you have spent time with her twice?  Both were multiple day dates, i'm assuming.  And you're planning to move there.  So there is a ton of pressure on this extremely early stage of dating, because it looks like you're moving right into a committed relationship that's all set up.  If she thinks you act like a real pill when you don't feel well, she might decide she is not ready to sign up for the long haul right now.

Some "normal" dates are very useful when starting up a new relationships. The ones that can be cut short or cancelled if you're sick.

Get well soon.

Thanks, Jaunty.

I'm not aware of any specific things other than acting anxious.  We discussed it at length while I was there - it wasn't anything specific, more like awkward energy. The best way I can describe it is like I was pretending to be fine and the result just came off as tense and kind of strange. I think she was already a little bit anxious and I wasn't in a position mentally because of the illness and the meds to assuage that anxiety - those things can make you feel WEIRD.

 

Your timeline is mostly right - the first date was just one day. Just to be clear, I'm not moving there for her. The move has been planned for about 8 months now. I think you're right in that it probably is a lot of pressure for this early on.  

 

I agree about the value of "normal" dates early on. I think part of the problem, which I now realize was a mistake, is that I felt the need to keep going even though I wasn't feeling great because I was just there for the weekend; under normal circumstances I would have just cancelled and not risked it, but I didn't want to offend her by cancelling when I was already there.

[Batya33]

I don't like how she reacted to your being ill.  At all.  I'll share an example -not mine though.  Many years ago a lovely woman I know met a guy while living in a foreign country for a month.  He came to visit her and I believe there were plans for him to relocate (he eventually did; they've been married for many years). 

They were in their 20s.  Only dating a short time.  Well, while he was visiting she suddenly became very ill.  Turned out to be a bad case of appendicitis.  This guy -he stayed by her side, helped her with everything - and he was new in her life! He was so caring and just wonderful. I believe this was a real part of why she knew he was the one. It's really important how someone treats you when you're unwell.  

I've been there -fell ill, took meds that made me feel weird and/or I felt self-conscious, etc - I'm sorry that happened and agree with the others you probably dodged a bullet.

[Coily]

I'd be ready to be done with her over that lack of empathy. Then again I was extremely ill and the woman I was seeing at the time got made u wouldn't text or call her daily, as I wasn't at work. In retrospect I was glad to be done with that level of demand.

In your case, see how it plays out, but her wanting to limit contact after this, us kind if insulting.

[pastoralcucumbers]

45 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I don't like how she reacted to your being ill.  At all.  I'll share an example -not mine though.  Many years ago a lovely woman I know met a guy while living in a foreign country for a month.  He came to visit her and I believe there were plans for him to relocate (he eventually did; they've been married for many years). 

They were in their 20s.  Only dating a short time.  Well, while he was visiting she suddenly became very ill.  Turned out to be a bad case of appendicitis.  This guy -he stayed by her side, helped her with everything - and he was new in her life! He was so caring and just wonderful. I believe this was a real part of why she knew he was the one. It's really important how someone treats you when you're unwell.  

I've been there -fell ill, took meds that made me feel weird and/or I felt self-conscious, etc - I'm sorry that happened and agree with the others you probably dodged a bullet.

It's funny, I actually have a family friend with a similar story. They had only been on a few dates when she got a bad case of appendicitis. He took her to the hospital and stayed there all night while she was having surgery and recovering. She says that was the moment she knew he was the one.

 

In this case, I was getting progressively sicker as the weekend went on.  For most of that time, I don't think it was clear to her that I was sick / hopped up on cold meds. As soon as I realized what was happening, I left so that I wouldn't risk exposing her anymore than I already had. However, by that time, we had already spent hours and hours together.

 

[pastoralcucumbers]

28 minutes ago, Coily said:

I'd be ready to be done with her over that lack of empathy. Then again I was extremely ill and the woman I was seeing at the time got made u wouldn't text or call her daily, as I wasn't at work. In retrospect I was glad to be done with that level of demand.

In your case, see how it plays out, but her wanting to limit contact after this, us kind if insulting.

I understand wanting to limit contact before I'm back next month. I was the one that suggested it and she agreed. From her perspective, the me that she saw on date #1 and in our long-distance communications since then was the manicured version, while this past weekend was the real version. Even if I think that's not the case, she doesn't know me well enough to believe otherwise. Personally, I've had the wool pulled over my eyes more than a few times. If we were to continue talking as we had been, it wouldn't do anything to disprove that skepticism or ease that concern.

[Cherylyn]

Wait until you are healthy and see if she is willing to see you again.  Hopefully, next time, when you are feeling much better and drug-free, a good time can be had by all.  If she's unreasonable and not willing to see you again under better circumstances, she's not meant to be with you.  If she's the dramatic, complicated type, it's best to steer clear and she's not the type to be with you long term.

[pastoralcucumbers]

6 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Wait until you are healthy and see if she is willing to see you again.  Hopefully, next time, when you are feeling much better and drug-free, a good time can be had by all.  If she's unreasonable and not willing to see you again under better circumstances, she's not meant to be with you.  If she's the dramatic, complicated type, it's best to steer clear and she's not the type to be with you long term.

Thanks, Cherylyn. I think that's probably the best way to go about it.

[catfeeder]

Scheduling that much time together after only 1 date is a lot of pressure. Too-much, too soon. It can turn either or both people really raw.

Maybe give her a ring after you're settled in town and learn whether it's something she'd able to laugh about with you, or not.

If not, she's not your match, so skip her.

[pastoralcucumbers]

2 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Scheduling that much time together after only 1 date is a lot of pressure. Too-much, too soon. It can turn either or both people really raw.

Maybe give her a ring after you're settled in town and learn whether it's something she'd able to laugh about with you, or not.

If not, she's not your match, so skip her.

Would you say I should reach out when I'm in town looking at apartments next month or hold off until I'm fully moved and settled in a few months?

 

When she and I spoke after I got back, she mentioned grabbing coffee the next time I'm in town to see if we could try again with a clean slate. However, I'm reluctant to reach out so soon because if the experience turned her raw, one month does not seem like enough time for us to be able to look back and laugh about it. I'm not in a place where I feel can laugh about it.

 

Inasmuch as I would like to start over fresh in a month, she made some comments over the weekend that rubbed me the wrong way, including that maybe I could find someone in my current city. When I say she seemed put off, I mean a complete emotional 180. Even if someone assumes that the anxiousness I experienced as a result of the cold/cold meds was my actual emotional baseline, that comment was disrespectful and condescending, and I am going back and forth over whether that should be a non-starter for me.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, pastoralcucumbers said:

When she and I spoke after I got back, she mentioned grabbing coffee the next time I'm in town to see if we could try again with a clean slate. 

You could try to have coffee when you're there but unfortunately it seems like she's ending things and it may be due to any number of reasons. It seems you may be incompatible and the cold medication event was simply a deciding factor rather than the sole cause of the breakup.

[poorlittlefish]

9 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I don't like how she reacted to your being ill.  At all. 

Turning things around, maybe she didn't like how the OP reacted to being ill. By his own admission, his symptoms were akin to a cold, yet he had to explain his 'atypical' behaviour to her. We don't know how weird or badly he came across with this behaviour, but maybe the way he acted was a red flag to her.

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, pastoralcucumbers said:

I’m moving there within the next few months, and I fly out about once a month to see friends and family.

It seems this has a lot to do with it. Especially combined with her comment about dating locally. 

Distance relationships are quite difficult in themselves.  However you're moving for your own reasons, independent of her, which is good.

Hopefully you can stay with friends and family when visiting and not be her houseguest. 

The cold medication thing is not the real issue. She simply doesn't seem that interested in a LDR or  possibly being a welcome wagon when you do relocate.

All you can do is step back and coordinate your relocation with friends, family, your employer and realtors. Then see how it goes as far as reconnecting at some point.

[pastoralcucumbers]

The visit was originally intended to just be for a couple days - Friday evening to Sunday morning. She  relayed beforehand how stressed the distance was making her, even though I would be moving there in the near future. To help, I offered to fly in a day early and extend my visit the following month. This solution made her happy, but, in hindsight, it didn't help for two reasons: (1) by Friday afternoon I would have realized I was sick and probably would have cancelled my flight, and (2) it masked a bigger problem - the anxiety and pressure created by a fast moving, long distance relationship.

 

I genuinely think that had I been feeling well, I would have been able to ease some of her concerns by just being my normal, fun, relaxed self. I think my anxiety fed into whatever anxiety she was already feeling, creating a positive feedback loop. Ultimately, however, it may not have done much to change the outcome, as we would still be long distance for at least a few more months, during which time things could have come to a head for a different reason.

 

Hopefully, the damage isn't so great that I can't try to salvage things when I move. The question is, what communication, if any, should I initiate before then? Most of the responses above seem to suggest that I should hold off until I fully relocate.

[pastoralcucumbers]

7 hours ago, poorlittlefish said:

Turning things around, maybe she didn't like how the OP reacted to being ill. By his own admission, his symptoms were akin to a cold, yet he had to explain his 'atypical' behaviour to her. We don't know how weird or badly he came across with this behaviour, but maybe the way he acted was a red flag to her.

Again, it's not that I acted badly (I regret using the term "bad behavior" above). By her own admission and my own recollection of what happened, it's more like I was just being aloof. We had built up this expectation of an intimate, romantic weekend together. However, when the weekend finally arrived, I came across as distant, tense, anxious, and awkward, most likely because my brain and body were trying to multitask being sick and being with her.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, pastoralcucumbers said:

We had built up this expectation of an intimate, romantic weekend together.

Why did you choose to do that under the circumstances?

[pastoralcucumbers]

8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You could try to have coffee when you're there but unfortunately it seems like she's ending things and it may be due to any number of reasons. It seems you may be incompatible and the cold medication event was simply a deciding factor rather than the sole cause of the breakup.

That's definitely possible. The thing is, leading into this past weekend, our chemistry and communication was the best I've ever experienced, and she shared that sentiment on multiple occasions. It felt like I had found someone who I clicked with and adored me, and by all accounts that seemed to be true. There were no indications before this of any incompatibility, just the opposite. The events of this past weekend were a total 180.