Looking for advice on handling a disappointing visit

[pastoralcucumbers]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Why did you choose to do that under the circumstances?

What do you mean?

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, pastoralcucumbers said:

What do you mean?

Why choose to raise all sorts of expectations about how the time should go and how romantic it should be etc- that very often can backfire.

[pastoralcucumbers]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Why choose to raise all sorts of expectations about how the time should go and how romantic it should be etc- that very often can backfire.

I think it definitely did backfire. It wasn't deliberate. I think both of us were very excited and had such a great time on the first date and in the hours we spent communicating since then that we built it up in our heads. I think those unrealistic expectations so early on coupled with my illness combined to create a perfect storm.

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, pastoralcucumbers said:

I think it definitely did backfire. It wasn't deliberate. I think both of us were very excited and had such a great time on the first date and in the hours we spent communicating since then that we built it up in our heads. I think those unrealistic expectations so early on coupled with my illness combined to create a perfect storm.

Yes it was deliberate -you are an adult.  If you have long term goals then you choose how to get to know someone and how to interact.  My husband and I were long distance for a few years -I get it- the excitement -but I also was careful to keep my feet on the ground despite having my head in the clouds at times.  I don't think hours of typing and talking like that to a new person who is long distance is conducive to getting to know someone in a realistic way. You chose the excitement/fantasy of it over the long term goals.  

[pastoralcucumbers]

35 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes it was deliberate -you are an adult.  If you have long term goals then you choose how to get to know someone and how to interact.  My husband and I were long distance for a few years -I get it- the excitement -but I also was careful to keep my feet on the ground despite having my head in the clouds at times.  I don't think hours of typing and talking like that to a new person who is long distance is conducive to getting to know someone in a realistic way. You chose the excitement/fantasy of it over the long term goals.  

We're all doing the best we can based on the experiences we've had. I've never really been in a long distance relationship before, especially not one that began long distance. I promise you, I am devastated. Had I understood at the time what you just described above, I would have seriously pumped the brakes and tempered expectations, e.g. toned down the discourse and shortened my visit or even put things on hold until I was boots on the ground.

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, pastoralcucumbers said:

We're all doing the best we can based on the experiences we've had. I've never really been in a long distance relationship before, especially not one that began long distance. I promise you, I am devastated. Had I understood at the time what you just described above, I would have seriously pumped the brakes and tempered expectations, e.g. toned down the discourse and shortened my visit or even put things on hold until I was boots on the ground.

I mean sure that's a truism, obvious.  I was talking about your specific situation and asked why you made the choices you did.  Totally live and learn.  Often since you've experienced friendships I assume you can take those skills into potential romantic relationships too.  Sounds like you might make different choices next time.  I am sorry you feel devastated and hope next time it is not devastating because you will get to know a new person at a reasonable pace over time and perhaps focus on local dating.  

[pastoralcucumbers]

Thank you to all who responded to this thread. 

 

Having spent the past week reflecting, I think ultimately the bigger issue isn’t so much her reaction as it is mine. I think when I started to feel off, my brain went into panic mode for fear that it would ruin the weekend, and my anxiety and stress took over. 

 

This is not the first time something like this has happened, and I’ve found that ever since a severely traumatic breakup several years ago, I’ve been unable to appropriately handle/respond to what would normally be nonissues in a developing relationship, eg getting the sniffles.

 

I’ve decided to enter therapy to try to work through any related issues, and I’m meeting with a psychiatrist tomorrow to address any underlying, contributing anxiety disorders to the extent they exist. I have not yet decided how or when I will reach out to her but would like to try reconnecting at some point in the future. 

[Jaunty]

So it seems that maybe you had an actual panic attack, or several, and that put her off?

[pastoralcucumbers]

30 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

So it seems that maybe you had an actual panic attack, or several, and that put her off?

Something like that - kind of like I tried acting my way through a fight or flight response 

[Jibralta]

On 2/27/2023 at 1:41 PM, pastoralcucumbers said:

Nevertheless, she seemed put off.......

I like this girl. I don’t want something as arbitrary as the common cold to end things before they even begin. If anyone has any insight on how to best approach the situation, I’m all ears.

To you, it's just the common cold. To her, it's a matter of personal hygiene. Or maybe it's a matter of personal space (as in, she needs more of it). Matters of hygiene and personal space are quite..... personal.

On 2/28/2023 at 11:51 AM, pastoralcucumbers said:

She  relayed beforehand how stressed the distance was making her, even though I would be moving there in the near future.

Maybe the problem she has with the distance that's between you is that it's decreasing...

[pastoralcucumbers]

1 hour ago, Jibralta said:

To you, it's just the common cold. To her, it's a matter of personal hygiene. Or maybe it's a matter of personal space (as in, she needs more of it). Matters of hygiene and personal space are quite..... personal.

Maybe the problem she has with the distance that's between you is that it's decreasing...

As soon as I realized I was sick, I left so as not to put her at risk, and by her own admission she didn’t realize I was Ill and just thought I was normally like that. In terms of personal space, she was the one that asked me to come a day earlier and planned our entire schedule, while I was the one that insisted on leaving a day early because I felt unwell and on not talking until I was back in town.
 

If you’re suggesting the problem is that she just realized she ultimately didn’t like me in person, there’s nothing I can do about that. However, our past interactions, similar issues in my previous relationships, and the fact that we both recognized that I was acting off suggests there’s more going on here, so I’m going to explore that possibility in a professional setting and if that doesn’t yield any results then it is what it is.