Guy suddenly acting distant after heavily pursuing me

[jwrunner81]

Hello everyone,

I'm brand new to this site and am in need of some advice regarding my current situation.  I am a 41-year-old female who is a recent widow.  Sadly, my husband passed away 8 months ago very suddenly and unexpectedly.  He suffered from many health issues, but his passing was definitely not expected.  We had been together for 22 years (since I was only 18 years old), so I was with him for over half of my life and my entire adult life.  Our marriage was far from perfect (it had actually become toxic), but losing him has been extremely difficult and obviously very life altering.  

 

A couple of months ago, my best friend (who was also my husband's best friend) and I decided to join some dating sites.  I wasn't sure how I felt about it, but I figured I'd at least give it a go since she was doing it with me.  She's been divorced for 10 years and I'm a lonely widow, so we saw no harm in giving it a shot.  I was immediately turned off when I saw all of the garbage on these sites and didn't see any guys who I would be even remotely interested in.  I ended up deactivating all of my profiles on these sites, except for one.  Something deep in my gut told me to just leave that one profile active and simply revisit it when I felt more ready.

 

Well, exactly one month ago yesterday, I randomly decided to go back on this site.  I  had a new message from a guy who was very handsome and, after reading his profile, I saw that we had quite a few things in common, including our careers, so I responded to him.  He's a fire chief and a paramedic and I, too, was a paramedic for many years when I was younger, so we had that in common among several other things.  We live 300 miles apart in different states (he's actually from the same state that my late husband was originally from) and he's also 14 years older than me, but that didn't bother either one of us and we started chatting.  He told me that he hated dating sites and asked if we could exchange phone numbers, which we did.  We then immediately started texting, which then led to FaceTiming.  I'll admit that things started moving pretty quickly.  He would call, text, and FaceTime me multiple times per day.  We would spend literally HOURS on FaceTime talking about anything and everything.  The conversations just flowed so effortlessly and, before we knew it, the time had completely gotten away from us and we had been on FaceTime for a good 3-4 hours.  He would even FaceTime me from work when he had time and he would FaceTime me as soon as I would text him when I woke up to say good morning.  There were several nights where we fell asleep together on FaceTime because neither one of us wanted to hang up.  The way he would look at me nearly made me melt.  Even my own husband never really looked at me the way that this guy did.  He kept telling me what a pleasant and unexpected surprise I was, how captivating I am, what a beautiful smile I have, and he repeatedly commented on how much he loved my wit, charm, slight cockiness, and personality.  He additionally said how impressed he was by my independence, my success in my career and being a homeowner, and my dedication to my health and fitness.  He told me that he was looking for a relationship that had substance and I told him that I was looking for the same.  He even met my parents and my best friend via FaceTime and had good conversations with all of them, which I took as a very positive sign since not all guys want to meet your family and friends so quickly.  He told my mother, "Your daughter is a very special person."  

 

Long story short, he invited me to come visit him after we had been talking for about a week to a week and a half (I know, I know - VERY fast and not something that I would normally do, but I just felt that I needed to do this or I would always wonder).  He also said that he would come and visit me as well and we talked about exploring a potential relationship, even if it had to be long distance for a while.  He was even talking about us taking trips together.   He wanted to pay for me to fly to where he lives, but I felt more comfortable driving in my own vehicle.  The 5-hour drive didn't bother me at all.  In fact, I actually kind of enjoyed it.   I was originally only supposed to stay for 2-3 days, but we were having such an amazing time that he asked me to stay a couple of extra days, which I did.  My best friend stayed at my house to take care of my cats and dogs while I was away.  I spent 5 days at his house and he showered me with SO much attention and affection.  He REALLY pampered me, which is not something that I'm used to AT ALL.  I felt like I was dreaming.  I don't think I've ever been treated so well by a guy in my life.  He would open doors for me, give me massages, refused to let me pay whenever we would go out (even though I tried very hard to), etc.  He also talked to my mother on the phone every single night, which I found very sweet.  We had amazing conversations, watched some great movies, snuggled by the fire at night, went on beach walks and hikes in the woods with his new puppy, and had so many laughs together.  I don't even remember the last time I had laughed so hard.  He had me in complete stitches on several occasions.  These were seriously the best 5 days I've had in MANY years and I was so sad when it was time for me to come home.  I actually cried as I was leaving.  He gave me a very passionate kiss and a huge hug before I left.  Yes, we were sexually intimate twice while I was there.  Maybe it was too soon for that, but it was wonderful.  My late husband and I hadn't been intimate in many years due to his health issues and it felt amazing.  I felt such a connection with him, both sexually and emotionally.  I just can't explain it, but it was like fireworks when we were together.  It was very clear from his actions and body language that he felt the same way.  One night, I fell asleep with my head in his lap while watching a movie and I woke up to him holding my hand and kissing my forehead.  He was looking at me with so much passion in his eyes.  I mean, REALLY?!  Can you blame me for being on cloud 9?!    

 

However, after I got home from this visit a little over 2 weeks ago, things started to change.  The frequency in which I would hear from him really started to dwindle.  He would still call, text, and FaceTime occasionally, but not NEARLY as much as he did prior to me visiting him.   He has been very distant and he now hasn't FaceTimed me in over a week when he used to FaceTime me at least a couple of times per day.  Also, he now doesn't text me unless I text him first.  I just don't get it.  He seemed so infatuated with me until I got home from visiting him.  I kept looking for red flags and the ONLY one that I have come up with is the fact that he is 55 and has never been married and he didn't mention any of his previous relationships to me whatsoever.  I was an open book with him about my marriage and the difficulties that my late husband and I had, but I got nothing in return from him about his ex-girlfriends or why none of his previous relationships worked out.  He wasn't giving up ANY of that info whatsoever.  I kind of got the vibe that his most recent breakup was fairly recent, but he didn't go into any detail at all.  One of my friends questioned why he is still single at his age, which is a totally valid question, and it's a question that I don't have the answer to.

 

I really, really, really like this guy.  I know that we've only known each other for a month and things moved quickly, but I fell HARD for him and now he's acting so distant.  He hasn't completely ghosted me since he does still respond to my text messages and we have casually talked about me visiting again, but he has now stopped calling and FaceTiming me and I always have to be the one to send a text first in order to hear from him.  Is it possible that he just needs space?  Is he now realizing that things moved too fast and he's now backing off a bit?  Does he have commitment issues?  Is he stringing me along to "keep the door open," so to speak?  Could he be dealing with some sort of personal issues that I don't know about that's causing him to suddenly be largely silent and distant?  Could this all have been totally fake to begin with and he just wanted to get me into bed?  Was I simply his rebound?  I know that he is fully aware that I like him very much and he repeatedly said how much he liked me prior to these last two weeks.   I'm just SO confused.  How can he go from one extreme to another?  He went from being in almost constant contact with me and seemingly wasn't able to get enough of me to acting so distant and no longer calling me and making me text him first in order to have any communication with him.  Would I be out of bounds expressing my concerns to him and asking what's going on?  We've only known each other for a month and I certainly don't want to come across as too needy, clingy, or desperate, but I really thought we had a strong connection and had such an amazing time together.  My heart is just shattered and I really miss him and our conversations.  I hadn't felt this happy in many years.  I'm now at the point where I'm thinking maybe I should just back off on my texting him and let him contact me when he's ready.  I have absolutely no idea what could be going on here, but it's been driving me absolutely insane for over 2 weeks.

 

Any advice on how to handle this situation would be greatly appreciated!

[MissCanuck]

It sounds like you were love-bombed. 

Be wary of anyone who goes all in like this and is too hot and heavy right off the bat. That is usually not a good sign of things to come. He might be rebounding. He might have other issues. He might even be seeing someone else. The point is that when someone dives in head-first, it's often an indicator of other problems that you won't see until you are already attached. 

Keep in mind that you actually know very little about him. You spilled all to him (avoid doing this in the future with someone you barely know) but you can't say much about him and his life beyond his job and where he lives. So while the superficial stuff feels good, you don't know him beyond that. He might be one of those men who loves the thrill of the chase but then gets bored and moves on as soon as he's scratched that itch.

I would suggest you dial your expectations way back here. Understand that you had a good time together but that doesn't necessarily mean you two will become an item. If he is pulling away, then it's likely going to fizzle out here. For your own benefit, operate under this very simple premise: if he were interested in keeping this going, you would not be sitting here wondering what's happened. 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, jwrunner81 said:

 He additionally said how impressed he was by my independence, my success in my career and being a homeowner,  

Sorry this is happening. Condolences. It's fine to step out and try dating again. However be careful about red flags such as too much too soon and particularly sharing financial information.

Avoid anyone who contacts you from a distance or confiding in strangers too much, especially about your assets and financial status.

If you feel vulnerable and lonely that's understandable.  It's normal to want companionship again. However take your time and pace yourself.

[Kwothe28]

I am sorry but you seem to stumble upon a classic case of a "player" on dating app looking for some action. He "sweatened" you with words, you fell for it, even spent your own money to see him. And now he is doing "slow fade". He created a false sense of security to you and you fell for that. I am sorry but, people on dating app, they do be like that. Handsome fire chief has a bundle of interests. For example if you would go back to dating app you would see how he changed his pic and actively using it. Or just blocked you there so you wouldnt see his activity. Hence why he insisted on a phone number. Not because he hates getting interests from women. 

Its OK. Look at it as just another experience and move on. And be more careful next time.

[Sindy_0311]

Hi I’m sorry you are going through this. Here is my opinion: 

I think you have been giving to much since the beginning, and I see two major issues : 

First issue is : he being willing to date a woman living long distance. Why bother dating a someone living so far away if you have so many possibilities on online apps to meet someone who lives close. Maybe to make the fade away easier… I never talk to guys who live more that 45 minutes away, first off all because I want them to come to my area for the first meet and first dates. I would NEVER drive 5 hours to meet a guy. When a guy asks me to go to his part, I refuse and move one because it means to me he isn’t taking my comfort in consideration. 

Second issue is he invited you to stay home for 2-3 then 5 days. To me that sounds more like a vacation romance. If his intention to see you again was genuine he wouldn’t have spent so much time with you. But for the time being, you were there and it was convenient to him, he got all he wanted and some extra time. By that I mean, he enjoyed his time even if he wasn't being any future... Some men would just like some company from time to time even if they don't like you that much. they would just take what they can get from you. In the dating process, I usually meet first time for coffee, then I/we decide whether we want to spend more time with that person on a proper date, and after the first date we decide whether we like that person enough to go on the 3rd date, etc. But in-between, you have time for yourself to digest the meetings and figure out whether you like that person. I would be exhausted spending even 12 hours with someone on a first date, so I let you imagine 5 days… I guess he might got tired... You have to give men a bit of space to miss you and wanting more from you. 

I also have to say, sometimes men need to backoff a bit after intimacy which is totally normal. They usually tend to be more silent in the following days (due to hormones etc…) But after two weeks, I guess he is just gone. I suggest you don’t reach out to him anymore and try to date people closer to your area. Also in the future, I wouldn’t be so transparent about my interest in someone. You never tell a guy you like him until you don’t know about his true intentions towards you… 

[Batya33]

Please never ever go to a stranger's home for a first meet or a first date after the first meet in most cases (meaning if you only know him through a dating site, especially if he doesn't live close by)  - get a hotel room where he doesn't know which room, etc.  You're very fortunate you weren't harmed by him or anyone else he knows/might have been staying or visiting there or had access to his place.

Also had you done a background check on him? How do you know he gave you accurate info?  You spent 5 days with him -the typing/talking/facetime stuff before you met doesn't count - many people go on 5 dates and decide to move on - as he seems to have done.  I'm sorry for the loss of your husband and that you are hurt/disappointed. But maybe just cherish the memories -anyone can be on their best behavior for a fling/trip - but it sounds like you did have fun!

I wouldn't express anything to him -you barely know him and he clearly doesn't want you to know much about him.  You chose to get attached before meeting, you had the benefit of a really fun and romantic fling and I'd leave it in the past.  I'm sorry you're hurting -give closure to yourself -he'll come up with some cliche way to explain it -if he responds at all.  

[JTCW]

8 hours ago, jwrunner81 said:

Would I be out of bounds expressing my concerns to him and asking what's going on? 

No, you have a right to know what's going on. 

Ask him if he is still in this because you don't want to waste your time.

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, JTCW said:

No, you have a right to know what's going on. 

Ask him if he is still in this because you don't want to waste your time.

Many people cut off contact after a handful of dates and this was a first meet- she agreed to go to his home, had a great time, agreed to have sex with no commitment to exclusivity or even monogamy it seems - and after the first meet/multiple meal date he apparently lost interest.  Silence = lack of interest. It's a risk doing things this way -but again she had a blast so that's the siliver lining.

[Jaunty]

Unfortunately, this is a common scenario around here.  

Going forward, try to pace yourself with the "connection."  It's not that hard to have a romantic, exciting online relationship.   It's also fairly easy to really hit it off with somebody the first couple of times you meet.

In reality, most first dates do not end up leading to successful LTR's.   

You invested a tremendous amount before you had the first date, and then the first date became a huge thing.  Ideally, you'd want to be in a "learning" state of mind when you first meet a person from OLD rather than taking up a serious relationship the first time you set eyes on each other.  

I really think people need to limit their contact and what they share with EVERY online contact, no matter how "right" it seems to be.   And pace things so a meeting comes BEFORE all this deep sharing, and a few dates happen before giving your heart.

Also, starting a long distance relationship from OLD is very ill advised.   I'm not sure I can think of any that actually worked out, from the multitudes I've read about on here.   

LDR's can work.  I think that there needs to be actual real life connection, though.  Fantasy building with a complete stranger really doesn't create a foundation that would sustain the challenges of an LDR.  

I'm not sure if the guy played you or not.  Maybe he was carried away just like you were and then faced reality after you left.  Or, maybe he's a bad guy.  

I'm sorry, I know this is hurtful.  

[reinventmyself]

Unavailable people operate on almost a subconscious level.   He's never been married, he reached out to someone 300 miles away.  Given these two things alone gives him a better than good chance nothing will come to fruition.

A fully (emotionally) available person would likely have been married and would only pursue women in his own area with a better guarantee of something to show for his time invested.

This arrangement was safe for him.  Even if it was subconscious. No doubt he enjoyed the time with you, but his pattern of needing space kicked in and he withdrew. 

Thats my take.

[boltnrun]

It seems he deliberately chose you because you two are so far apart physically. He doesn't need to worry about running into you at the supermarket or the bank. A man who's truly available wouldn't choose a woman who lives far away.

I would stop with initiating texts. If you never hear from him again you'll know he's a faker. 

I'm sorry you got swept up. Just know for the future not to allow yourself to go all in before you even meet. Facetime doesn't count as in person interaction.  Date locally and in person. 

[jwrunner81]

9 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

I am sorry but you seem to stumble upon a classic case of a "player" on dating app looking for some action. He "sweatened" you with words, you fell for it, even spent your own money to see him. And now he is doing "slow fade". He created a false sense of security to you and you fell for that. I am sorry but, people on dating app, they do be like that. Handsome fire chief has a bundle of interests. For example if you would go back to dating app you would see how he changed his pic and actively using it. Or just blocked you there so you wouldnt see his activity. Hence why he insisted on a phone number. Not because he hates getting interests from women. 

Its OK. Look at it as just another experience and move on. And be more careful next time.

I actually checked this last night.  He has not been active on the dating site and has not changed any of his photos, etc.  He actually did text me on his own this morning asking how I was feeling since I've been sick this week.

[smackie9]

He love bombed you because he likes the thrill of it, and you are thirsty for romance. You are losing your head over this and not making the right decisions. Pursuing this is not going to make him be different in his behavior. You will be locked into this cycle of, he contacted me, I'm over the moon to, I haven't heard from him is days, weeks etc. he's never been married because he keeps people at arms length. Doesn't like the responsibility of a committed relationship with it's demands. Hot/cold people are to be avoided because they never change, this is how he is. 

[jwrunner81]

8 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Please never ever go to a stranger's home for a first meet or a first date after the first meet in most cases (meaning if you only know him through a dating site, especially if he doesn't live close by)  - get a hotel room where he doesn't know which room, etc.  You're very fortunate you weren't harmed by him or anyone else he knows/might have been staying or visiting there or had access to his place.

Also had you done a background check on him? How do you know he gave you accurate info?  You spent 5 days with him -the typing/talking/facetime stuff before you met doesn't count - many people go on 5 dates and decide to move on - as he seems to have done.  I'm sorry for the loss of your husband and that you are hurt/disappointed. But maybe just cherish the memories -anyone can be on their best behavior for a fling/trip - but it sounds like you did have fun!

I wouldn't express anything to him -you barely know him and he clearly doesn't want you to know much about him.  You chose to get attached before meeting, you had the benefit of a really fun and romantic fling and I'd leave it in the past.  I'm sorry you're hurting -give closure to yourself -he'll come up with some cliche way to explain it -if he responds at all.  

Yes, I agree and I normally would never do this; however, after video chatting on FaceTime many, many times and Googling him, seeing that he really is the fire chief in his town and is very well-known with many articles about him and his fire department as well as his accomplishments and many video interviews with him from various news outlets in his town, I felt it was safe, and it was.  He was exactly who he said he was.  He even brought me to his fire station and to meet his parents.  I had an amazing time.  I would never travel to someone's home unless I truly felt comfortable.

[Andrina]

16 hours ago, jwrunner81 said:

I  had a new message from a guy who was very handsome and, after reading his profile, I saw that we had quite a few things in common, including our careers, so I responded to him.  He's a fire chief and a paramedic

Like others have said, does it make sense that a good-looking guy with a decent job seeks out women living very far away? Why choose the most difficult type of dating there is? If it doesn't make sense, then he has things to hide. Sounds like he chooses this way of dating so that he gets a new woman each month to make the effort of going to his place for marathon love-making. And then he doesn't have to put in the effort a more serious relationship requires because that's too much work for him. Paying the appropriate amount of attention to you after he met his immediate goal would serve the opposite of his future goals.

9 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I never talk to guys who live more that 45 minutes away, first off all because I want them to come to my area for the first meet and first dates. I would NEVER drive 5 hours to meet a guy. When a guy asks me to go to his part, I refuse and move one because it means to me he isn’t taking my comfort in consideration.

I agree with every word Sindy wrote. I did OLD for several years after my divorce, and this rule served me well. Local dating is the way to go for so many reasons, including dating at a normal pace--crucial for success. Even with local dating, you have to be careful about overdoing it. Even if the chemistry is strong and you're enjoying each other's company. Stick to no more than a few hours for a first meet, and not much more on the next few dates. 

 

17 hours ago, jwrunner81 said:

Also, he now doesn't text me unless I text him first. 

So why aren't you sitting back to let him initiate, and if he doesn't, you'd get an even clearer answer of whether or not he makes enough effort to satisfy you? And then you were going to visit him again, instead of seeing if he missed you and would come your way this time?

Don't be the only one driving the train, because if you are, you have to admit he's just not that into you. He's giving you bread crumbs.

All those signs you saw before and during that extended first meet are really meaningless, although you believe they hold enormous value. Sorry, but you don't see the real person emerge until the honeymoon stage is over, and his honeymoon stage was extremely brief.

You've been out of the dating scene a very long time, and you've never even done dating in adulthood. Your naivety, unfortunately, will have you hurting a lot until you start dating more wisely. I suggest, for now, to get off OLD and try Meetup.com groups instead and see if you have any luck in that venue of meeting single men in your age group. It's a lot less stressful than OLD. Good luck.

[boltnrun]

I met my husband when I was a teenager and didn't date until after my divorce in my 30s. Trust me, I made all sorts of bad choices and decisions.

One thing I can tell you for sure is a man who deliberately seeks out women who live several hundred miles away is doing it on purpose. And his purpose is to serve him, not you. 

[jwrunner81]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

I met my husband when I was a teenager and didn't date until after my divorce in my 30s. Trust me, I made all sorts of bad choices and decisions.

One thing I can tell you for sure is a man who deliberately seeks out women who live several hundred miles away is doing it on purpose. And his purpose is to serve him, not you. 

To be fair to him (and I'm not defending his current behavior and I failed to mention this in my original post), the dating site somehow put me in the incorrect location/region, so he thought I was only a little over an hour away from him, but I'm actually 5, so he didn't deliberately message me thinking that I was as far away as I actually was.  He thought I was much closer to him.

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, jwrunner81 said:

I actually checked this last night.  He has not been active on the dating site and has not changed any of his photos, etc.  He actually did text me on his own this morning asking how I was feeling since I've been sick this week.

He may be on other sites. Stop checking unless you have a super strong stomach.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, jwrunner81 said:

Yes, I agree and I normally would never do this; however, after video chatting on FaceTime many, many times and Googling him, seeing that he really is the fire chief in his town and is very well-known with many articles about him and his fire department as well as his accomplishments and many video interviews with him from various news outlets in his town, I felt it was safe, and it was.  He was exactly who he said he was.  He even brought me to his fire station and to meet his parents.  I had an amazing time.  I would never travel to someone's home unless I truly felt comfortable.

It doesn't matter how much you type/talk/background check -you had no idea who else would be there/have access, or what he was like behind closed doors.  You are so very very lucky/

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, jwrunner81 said:

To be fair to him (and I'm not defending his current behavior and I failed to mention this in my original post), the dating site somehow put me in the incorrect location/region, so he thought I was only a little over an hour away from him, but I'm actually 5, so he didn't deliberately message me thinking that I was as far away as I actually was.  He thought I was much closer to him.

But once he found out he continued to pursue.  

Regardless, he is not acting like someone who's interested in pursuing this relationship.

[Wonderstruck]

Look up the "love-bombing - devalue - discard" cycle.

He love-bombed you, and now you are in the "devalue" phase.

Which means that he is currently love-bombing someone else right now.

Unfortunately, it also means that you'll be discarded soon.

[limichelle]

I’m sorry, I too believe you were love bombed. 
 

A sensible person will pursue you more gradual and let things develop over time. When someone tries to force a connection or speed things along it’s usually for their own motives.

 

Whatever those motives are we won’t know. Just be alert next time someone starts pulling out all the stops right away.

[savignon]

It is so painful to go through something like that- I'm so sorry.  I agree with the Love-Bombing and you might find some solace in doing some research/reading on that.

I remember I read one time that people who love-bomb are such passionate lovers as if "the ship is going down" and they'll never see you again... because they actually know they'll never see you again.  Womp womp.

Been there- totally sucks.

Chalk it up as the good time it was and count it as your own rebound/back-in-the-saddle rendezvous.  Now, onward and upward to something more meaningful! 

[jwrunner81]

After reading some articles about love bombing, that is 100% what he did.  He came on very strong very fast and was quite anxious and excited to have me come visit, and he said that he would come and visit me as well and wanted to meet my family and friends.  As soon as I responded to his message on the dating site, he wanted to exchange phone numbers so we could text/talk/FaceTime.  He told me that he hated dating sites and said that it was difficult trying to date where he lives since it's a primarily gay area (he lives on Cape Cod).  Literally within 5-10 seconds of me giving him my number, he was texting me and we started talking.  Later that day or the very next day, he started FaceTiming me.  We spent HOURS on FaceTime and he would FaceTime me MULTIPLE times a day, especially at night and we would fall asleep together.  It was honestly euphoric, like a drug that I couldn't get enough of.  He had me completely hooked.  He seemed totally infatuated with me and was showering me with compliments on both my looks and my personality.  He told me repeatedly what a "pleasant and unexpected surprise" I was and that he "never expected to meet anyone like me."  He also told me that I was "captivating" and had the "most beautiful smile."  He started talking about us taking vacations together and playing golf together (we are both avid golfers).  He was very eager to meet my parents and my best friend over FaceTime.  Like I said before, I took that as a very positive sign.  My mother told him to treat me well and he assured her that he would.  I'll admit that I fell hard and I nearly melted with the way he looked at me.  As much as I loved my husband, we sadly didn't have a great relationship the last several years he was alive and our marriage was very strained and almost toxic, so I haven't had that kind of attention or affection from a man in MANY years.  I had been craving it for so long.  I also have very little experience with dating since I had been with my husband since I was only 18 years old.  We met the week after I graduated from high school, so I went straight from still living at home with my parents to being with my husband.  This whole dating thing is so foreign and new to me and it has certainly changed significantly since I met my husband nearly 23 years ago in an AOL chatroom. 

Anyway, I did have an amazing time when I went to meet this guy and spent 5 days with him.  It was the most fun I've had in I don't know how long.  He pampered me and showered with with attention and affection.  I REALLY fell hard for him.  The sex was amazing as well.  He even took me to meet his parents and co-workers.  Again, I took all of these things as very positive signs, but I guess I was wrong.  I'm just so hurt and disappointed, and even confused by how he went from being so hot to so cold.  I really, really liked him and I truly thought he was being genuine and honest and I thought he was serious about wanting to pursue a potential relationship.   However, ever since I got home from visiting him nearly 3 weeks ago, I rarely hear from him unless I text him first and he hasn't called or FaceTimed me in 10 days.  My guess is that he still responds to my texts because he might want to keep the door open for another rendezvous at some point.  I know that he had a great time with me (at least from what I could tell), but I think he has serious commitment issues, hence the fact that he's in his mid-50s and has never been married or had a successful long-term relationship.  Most guys his age have at least one marriage under their belt, but not him.  I don't remember the last time I was this hurt and deflated.  This was my first attempt at a relationship since I lost my husband and I've already had my heart broken.  I keep going over everything in my head and wondering if I did or said something to make him suddenly pull away and become so distant, but I can't think of anything.  We genuinely had a great time together.  I've been on cloud 9 this past month since I met him and now it's like a hardly even exist to him anymore.  😞  

 

[jwrunner81]

11 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

This arrangement was safe for him.  Even if it was subconscious. No doubt he enjoyed the time with you, but his pattern of needing space kicked in and he withdrew. 

Thats my take.

I think this is probably spot on.  The vibe that I got is that he has serious issues with commitment, hence the reason he has made it to his mid-50s having never been married or had a successful long-term relationship.  I have absolutely no idea why none of his previous relationships worked out because that's not something he shared with me.  My best friend thinks he didn't share anything about his past relationships because it's probably not pretty and something that he doesn't want to share.  After spending 5 days together, I believe that he needed/wanted his space.  I have absolutely no idea what's going on with him or what he's feeling or thinking, but it sure does suck being left hanging and really liking this guy, but am now barely hearing from him and having no idea what his deal is.  I also feel incredibly stupid for allowing myself to go all in with an obviously emotionally unavailable guy.