Guy suddenly acting distant after heavily pursuing me

[Kwothe28]

5 minutes ago, jwrunner81 said:

He had initially invited me to go with him in the early days of us talking and even told my mother that he wanted me to go with him, but then stopped talking about it, so I guess I was "uninvited." 

You said that second time I think? Why was he talking to your mother? That is just weird.

Anyway, again, he just "slow fades" now. Dont contact him and prefferably even block him. That man doesnt deserve your attention.

[jwrunner81]

13 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

You said that second time I think? Why was he talking to your mother? That is just weird.

Anyway, again, he just "slow fades" now. Dont contact him and prefferably even block him. That man doesnt deserve your attention.

In hindsight, it was all very strange.  He had invited me to go with him on this Florida trip only 2-3 days after we had started talking and BEFORE we had even met in person.  We had literally just met and started talking and already, in his mind, he had me on a plane going on this trip with him.  He talked to my mother because I had him on FaceTime when I had to stop by my parents' house on my way home from the gym one evening and he asked to meet her, so I handed my phone to her so she could "meet" him.  The very first thing he said to my mother was, "Your daughter is a very special person.  She's fiercely independent, isn't she?!"  At the end of the conversation, my mother said to him, "Just treat her well" and he assured her that he absolutely would.  They talked for a good 15-20 minutes and he also talked to her on the phone every night when I was at his house (my mother calls me every night before she goes to bed).  From that point on, he kept saying, "Your mom loves me!"

I am definitely done contacting him.  He hasn't responded to my last 2 text messages and he hasn't texted since Friday morning, so I'm not going to make myself look like a desperate, needy idiot by continuing to reach out when he hasn't even responded to my last couple of texts.

[boltnrun]

30 minutes ago, jwrunner81 said:

apparently his ex-girlfriend asked him to check on her house to make sure all was well there as she was out of town.

Ahhh...the "ex" was out of town.  I would presume she's back, hence his current unavailability.

I highly recommend you don't send him any more messages (apparently as recently as yesterday morning you were still messaging him?)  Maybe he'll pop up if his "ex" goes out of town again 🙄I suggest you suddenly be "busy" and therefore also unavailable.  Permanently.

[jwrunner81]

10 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Ahhh...the "ex" was out of town.  I would presume she's back, hence his current unavailability.

I highly recommend you don't send him any more messages (apparently as recently as yesterday morning you were still messaging him?)  Maybe he'll pop up if his "ex" goes out of town again 🙄I suggest you suddenly be "busy" and therefore also unavailable.  Permanently.

Yes, this is my exact thought as well, sadly.  He hasn't mentioned ANYTHING about his "ex" to me EVER, aside from the fact that she is /was allegedly his "ex."  I know absolutely nothing about her or what their backstory is.  I did see him texting a girl named "Kristen" on his phone and he did this with me sitting right next to him.  I think that's his "ex."  He was sending her videos/photos that he took while we were at the beach.  Clearly, he wasn't over her and he was probably rebounding with me.  Maybe they have reconciled since I returned home?  His communication didn't completely drop off after I got home.  He did still FaceTime me fairly regularly the first few days that I was home, but then his contact started to dwindle more and more and it has now been nearly 2 weeks since he last FaceTimed or called me.  Maybe he is just breadcrumbing me with spotty texting to keep me as an "option" for when he's conveniently "available" again.  Maybe SHE is going to Florida with him tomorrow and that's why he suddenly stopped mentioning me going with him.  I have no idea, but whatever the reason, it's incredibly hurtful because he totally led me on by making me believe that we had something going between us and I really, really liked him.  😞 

[Batya33]

31 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I think the fact that he is the one she calls to check on her house says a lot. 

I don't agree that he should have lied and pretended it was someone else's house. I simply think he showed you his hand (so to speak) by making it obvious that they communicate enough that he was the person she sent there, and he thought little of taking you there with him to do it. 

My guess is they are still in each others' lives to such a degree that actually dating him would be uncomfortable anyway.  

She just met him and if it was an emergency no harm in telling her right then it was a friend's house but much better to call someone else to check or tell ex to call someone else.  If he cared.  He didn't.

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, jwrunner81 said:

Yes, this is my exact thought as well, sadly.  He hasn't mentioned ANYTHING about his "ex" to me EVER, aside from the fact that she is /was allegedly his "ex."  I know absolutely nothing about her or what their backstory is.  I did see him texting a girl named "Kristen" on his phone and he did this with me sitting right next to him.  I think that's his "ex."  He was sending her videos that he took while we were at the beach.  Clearly, he wasn't over her and he was probably rebounding with me.  Maybe they have reconciled since I returned home?  His communication didn't completely drop off after I got home.  He did still FaceTime me fairly regularly the first few days that I was home, but then his contact started to dwindle more and more and it has now been nearly 2 weeks since he last FaceTimed or called me.  Maybe he is just breadcrumbing me with spotty texting to keep me as an "option" for when he's conveniently "available" again.  I have no idea, but whatever the reason, it's incredibly hurtful because he totally led me on by making me believe that we had something going between us and I really, really liked him.  😞 

How did he lead you on? Did he ask you to be his exclusive girlfriend and ask you to stop pursuing other options as he would too? Did he make another time/place plan to see you? The Florida plan was tentative. If not then presumably he understood you'd just met, that you were fine with having sex without being committed yet, and that he was expressing feelings to you of course that he may have felt at the moment but he didn't ask you to be in a committed relationship with him. 

And you didn't ask him for that during the 5 days.  You made assumptions.  And I think you did so because you were enjoying yourself -you loved how he treated you, enjoyed being intimate and now it's coming out that he's making comments about his ex right after being inside of your body. 

But at that point the good outweighed the bad -it was a great fling for you, romantic and you accepted the downside of potentially feeling attached and you were fine to leave him without any specific plan to see each other again.  I don't think he led you on.  I think he should have been clear that he doesn't want to see you again.  You're giving him the power to keep texting you like some sort of after thought text buddy.  Perhaps reconsider settling for scraps and cut off contact. 

[boltnrun]

2 minutes ago, jwrunner81 said:

making me believe

But you wanted to believe.

I've had men tell me they love me five minutes after meeting me.  I had a man at a bar tell me I was the most beautiful women he'd ever met (I had a really hard time not rolling my eyes when he said that).  You got swept up because you wanted the fairy tale.

I'm not saying this to slam you because obviously this situation is very hurtful.  But you're vulnerable to this happening again if you don't understand your role in how this played out.

No one else is going to be looking out for you as much as you should be.  Don't be so anxious to find someone that you choose to overlook basic common sense self-preservation. 

And definitely block him from contacting you and then delete his contact info.  Otherwise you may be tempted to respond the next time his "ex" goes out of town or you may be tempted to contact him to "just say 'hi'" or to "see how he's doing" on a night when you're feeling lonely.

[jwrunner81]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

How did he lead you on? Did he ask you to be his exclusive girlfriend and ask you to stop pursuing other options as he would too? Did he make another time/place plan to see you? If not then presumably he understood you'd just met, that you were fine with having sex without being committed yet, and that he was expressing feelings to you of course that he may have felt at the moment but he didn't ask you to be in a committed relationship with him. 

And you didn't ask him for that during the 5 days.  You made assumptions.  And I think you did so because you were enjoying yourself -you loved how he treated you, enjoyed being intimate and now it's coming out that he's making comments about his ex right after being inside of your body. 

But at that point the good outweighed the bad -it was a great fling for you, romantic and you accepted the downside of potentially feeling attached and you were fine to leave him without any specific plan to see each other again.  I don't think he led you on.  I think he should have been clear that he doesn't want to see you again.  You're giving him the power to keep texting you like some sort of after thought text buddy.  Perhaps reconsider settling for scraps and cut off contact. 

Oh, he did lead me on.  He came right out and said that we were in a relationship and told me to "get used to" him pampering/taking care of me.  We were also discussing my next visit.

[Batya33]

Just now, jwrunner81 said:

Oh, he did lead me on.  He came right out and said that we were in a relationship and told me to "get used to" him pampering/taking care of me.  We were also discussing my next visit.

Before you met -he was a stranger.  If he didn't and you didn't have an actual talk about what you meant by in a relationship when you met - exclusive dating, not looking to date anyone else -no it was not an exclusive relationship.  Or even sexually monogamous if you didn't mention that either.  What you wrote was words from a stranger for all purposes -someone you'd never met.  Sweet words and no he wasn't ever your committed partner.  Sorry!!  If you cared enough you would have confirmed when you met him what your standards were and what you were looking for and confirmed same page.

I did that on a second date once with a man I'd known for over a year as a friend.  We fooled around -no sex, clothes on.  I said to him "I want you to know flings are not my style and not my style with you."  Then 6 weeks in when he wanted to have sex I said I wasn't ready to have sex unless we were exclusively dating and he asked if he could still meet women for coffee.  I said no.  He agreed. 

That was the only relationship where I had sex and the decision to be exclusive was because of when to have sex -in every other serious relationship he asked me to be exclusive months before we had sex because he saw serious potential.  But yes - you were not direct and neither was he.  I think you chose to ignore for the upsides and that's fine -you had great benefits from this interaction! As you wrote! I'm sorry you felt led on to think he wanted to be in an exclusive relationship with you at that time.  And run the other way if a stranger says those things IMO -that's a huge red flag.  

[Jaunty]

21 hours ago, jwrunner81 said:

  I also should have made me court me A LOT longer than just a couple of weeks before agreeing to meet him in person

I disagree with this strongly.   "Courting" via text and other virtual means does not signify much.  If the person is sincere, they are not more so because they kept it up longer.  It's so easy (and common) for people to succeed magnificently with misleading and outright catfishing others into believing they're in a solid relationship online.  No sweat at all.  Someone can keep a few plates spinning very successfully.   You're not going to learn anything further about them by longer, either, if they are halfway decent at spinning.

In general, long online flirtations and "relationship building" just leads to more painful heartache when it fails to work out IRL.  

Always meet asap.  

But, as others have said, trying to get into an LTR with a stranger who lives very far away based on online interactions probably has a terrible success rate.   LDR's work out sometimes, usually when and if the people are already connected when the distance happens.

21 hours ago, jwrunner81 said:

He actually wanted me to come to visit him a week earlier, but I was extremely hesitant and didn't go, but ended up going a week later - still far too soon, and now I'm basically being ghosted as a result.  The whole situation just sucks.  I had been neglected and emotionally abused for so many years by my late husband that I was literally CRAVING this sort of attention from a guy and I got much too wrapped up in all of this attention and affection that he was showing me to clearly see the warning signs/red flags.  He had me so convinced that he was genuine and sincere in his words and actions.  I guess I also thought that he would be more settled/mature and not play these types of games since he's older.  Silly me.   

I don't think you're ghosted as a result of what you did.  The relationship, your chemistry, or simply the guy were not going to work out for you.   You just had way too many eggs (and your whole heart) in that basket, unwarranted. 

The guy definitely has behaved like an a*s and he probably is actually one - ghosting after all of that can't be okay.   He owed it to you to let you know that he was not going to move forward with the relationship.   But I'm not sure he intentionally played games.  He might have been as into it as you were, but either felt differently after the IRL part, or realized that he was not going to do this LDR thing once reality set in.  

 

[Lambert]

Hi @jwrunner81

I am sorry about your husband's passing.  And all you're going through with this guy.  We can't really explain the actions of another person.  Did he start out trying to meet a vulnerable lady that wasn't local?  All part of a mean, callous plan?  You will never know.  But there is a big lesson here... if it seems too good to be true, it is.  

On line dating has changed the dating world.  It's much easier to meet people, but quality and quantity are two very separate things.  People will tell you what you want to hear.  It feeds their ego to be your hero. And they know to say to gain your trust. 

I understand the ruminating thoughts and feeling foolish.  I think anyone in this situation would and if you read this forum long enough, you will see-- many do.  But what's done is done.  You can be mad and feel how you feel, it's all part of the process to heal and do better next time.

Don't let one bad guy and one lapse in judgement swear you off all men. Take this as an opportunity to define some boundaries.  Things like-- only local guys.  Local guys with whom you share regular in person interactions and dates.  Taking your time to get to know someone before you decide you can trust them, is key. 

Talking for hours on the phone does not equate to hours of knowing someone in real life.  We get to know who someone is through experiences and time.  time where you can witness how they act, re-act, if they live up to the words they say.  There is no shortcut to this.  It takes time to see the person for who they are. 

Stick around here, read what other people experience, give some advice to others and keep posting.  You'll get over this and make better choices in the future.  It's ok.  ❤️

[Batya33]

Online dating changed for those who choose to date online as the OP kind of did typing and talking for hours and days before meeting and getting her hopes and expectations up with a stranger-even going to his home! In the 80s and 90s before the dating sites it was very easy if you wanted to go clubbing/random bars 3-4 nights a week with huge quantities of singles to meet and hook up with including men and women who were fans of reeling people in with sweet words especially with alcohol involved or drugs. 

And including people who meant the sweet words they were saying -at the moment - especially if there was chemistry and attraction.  Just as with dating sites most people who went to singles bars and clubs knew there was quantity, knew that it wasn't a typical place to find a serious relationship -with exceptions of course!!- and if they encountered the sweet word/insta-relationship type -even if the person meant it at the moment -they took the person's number and dated in person in public and sober over a period of time. 

That way if the stranger they met at a bar turned out to be a quality person of character and integrity they could take the time to learn that- over time- and quickly end the dating if it wasn't so.  No different with dating sites- if you don't try to date online just like you shouldn't tell yourself you're in a relationship with someone you met at a bar and went home with. 

[Batya33]

Also if you are looking for potentially long term or a serious relationship reconsider going to a stranger's home on the first meet. I mean he let you into his home- a stranger - which to me shows a lack of judgment -but, it's just not a good look, a good first impression when a man sees a woman open to coming to his home hundreds of miles away the first time they've met.  Or even a mile away.  It risks him not seeing you as serious potential, questioning your judgment (as opposed to being flattered by how you are so into him and "trust" him that much).

Five years ago I decided to meet a woman I knew only via FB in person -she had a son my son's age.  To be totally nice she offered to pick us up etc and we'd go somewhere.  I'd never met her.  We had so much in common and had talked for weeks but there was no way I was going in a car with her or having my son in her car.  We met where I could get there on our own.  Second time -I might have -but not first.

 

[jwrunner81]

50 minutes ago, Lambert said:

Hi @jwrunner81

I am sorry about your husband's passing.  And all you're going through with this guy.  We can't really explain the actions of another person.  Did he start out trying to meet a vulnerable lady that wasn't local?  All part of a mean, callous plan?  You will never know.  But there is a big lesson here... if it seems too good to be true, it is.  

On line dating has changed the dating world.  It's much easier to meet people, but quality and quantity are two very separate things.  People will tell you what you want to hear.  It feeds their ego to be your hero. And they know to say to gain your trust. 

I understand the ruminating thoughts and feeling foolish.  I think anyone in this situation would and if you read this forum long enough, you will see-- many do.  But what's done is done.  You can be mad and feel how you feel, it's all part of the process to heal and do better next time.

Don't let one bad guy and one lapse in judgement swear you off all men. Take this as an opportunity to define some boundaries.  Things like-- only local guys.  Local guys with whom you share regular in person interactions and dates.  Taking your time to get to know someone before you decide you can trust them, is key. 

Talking for hours on the phone does not equate to hours of knowing someone in real life.  We get to know who someone is through experiences and time.  time where you can witness how they act, re-act, if they live up to the words they say.  There is no shortcut to this.  It takes time to see the person for who they are. 

Stick around here, read what other people experience, give some advice to others and keep posting.  You'll get over this and make better choices in the future.  It's ok.  ❤️

Thank you so much for the kind words.  This has been so very difficult for me.  Despite the fact that my husband and I had a very rocky/toxic relationship for the last several years, I've been extremely lonely since he passed away 8 months ago.  I have my friends, family, and pets, but I really miss the companionship and closeness of a life partner.  My husband and I were so distant, largely as a result of his many health issues that progressed over the years and his outright refusal to take proper care of himself, and he was very emotionally abusive, so I've really been lonely for much longer than these last 8 months since he passed.  I've been craving that intimacy, closeness, and connection with someone, and this guy sure talked the talk and walked the walk when I was with him in person.  I had never experienced so much chivalry in my life.  He opened every single door for me, held my hand, and showed me constant attention and physical affection.  During the first day or two that we were talking, I did have my guard up and I was being very cautious.  I wasn't even sure how I felt about our interaction as it felt a bit strange (maybe because I'm brand new to this whole thing after being with my husband for 22 years); however, as we talked more and started FaceTiming, I began feeling more and more comfortable and at ease with him.   He seemed so sincere and genuine.  He repeatedly told me what an unexpected and pleasant surprise I was.  I mistakenly thought the fact that he's older would mean that he's too mature for head games and would be more ready to settle, but boy was I wrong about that.  He said all of the right things to tear down my wall and get me to let him in and, a couple of weeks later, had me making the long trip to meet him, during which time I fell for him even harder.  Well played, sir!  Well played!  Now, I'm left totally shattered.  I know that we've only known each other for a little over a month, but I had so much hope based on his words and actions.  I literally thought I had hit the jackpot with him.  I even said to my best friend, "How in the hell did I get this lucky on my very first attempt at dating?!"  Never again will I fall for something like this.  

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, jwrunner81 said:

He had invited me to go with him on this Florida trip only 2-3 days after we had started talking

This is completely crazy. 

The more you write, the more concerned I become about your lack of boundaries and sense of self-protection. I get that you were wrapped up in the thrills, but for your own physical and emotional well-being, you really need to be more careful and exercise a lot more discretion. 

Yeah, this trip went okay but the fact that you weren't at all troubled by how this internet stranger was trying to pin you down so fast  is worrying. 

[Batya33]

Again I am so sorry for what you went through with your husband and marriage and all of it and your loss.  

I agree with Miss Cannuck.

[Lambert]

9 minutes ago, jwrunner81 said:

Never again will I fall for something like this. 

I hope for your sake this is true.  Many people disregard common sense & red flags because they want something to be true.  It's a tough lesson.  But on the bright side, he didn't rob or harm you.  It really is foolish to go to a stranger's home.  You just never know what a predator might do to lure you away from your surroundings and loved ones.  

 

[jwrunner81]

10 minutes ago, Lambert said:

I hope for your sake this is true.  Many people disregard common sense & red flags because they want something to be true.  It's a tough lesson.  But on the bright side, he didn't rob or harm you.  It really is foolish to go to a stranger's home.  You just never know what a predator might do to lure you away from your surroundings and loved ones.  

 

This is very true, and I've always known this.  I just had the thought in my head that since he's a fire chief, he obviously has a clean background and is reputable/responsible.   He's all over the internet from his job when you google him, so I knew that he truly was who he said he was, but I still should have exercised more caution, because people can be MUCH different behind closed doors in their personal life than they are professionally.   Luckily, our visit went extremely well and he was amazing and incredibly sweet the entire time, but now I am getting the shaft.  😞 

[jwrunner81]

I can't believe that I forgot to mention this sooner, because it's a fairly significant detail (at least I think it is), but about a week or so ago while we were texting, he sent me a video of his puppy playing with another dog on the beach (one of the beaches we had gone to while I was visiting him).  I responded by saying that I missed it there and then playfully said, "And I might also kind of miss you as well, haha."  I was sort of testing the waters to try and gauge what he was thinking/feeling by saying this in a playful/innocent/slightly flirtatious manner to see how he would respond, and his response was one single word, "Please" and then he didn't text or call me again for the rest of that night.  Just one word...."please" and that was it.  No "I miss you, too" or "That's so sweet.  I can't wait to see you again" or anything of that nature, just that one abrupt word - "please."  I have no idea how to interpret that response to me admitting that I missed him.  Does it mean that he doesn't believe that I could possibly miss him?  Is he just THAT emotionally unavailable?  What in the world does "please" mean as a response to someone telling you they miss you?!  It's nearly impossible to tell via text since it's just a word on a screen and there is no tone of voice to go with it.  I was allowing myself to be authentically vulnerable by telling him that I missed him, even if in a playful and lighthearted manner so as to not come on too strong, so his response followed by silence for the rest of the night was pretty deflating, to say the least.

[Sindy_0311]

Please, don’t… don’t say you miss me, don’t become over sentimental, don’t ask me to respond to that… a please is always a please don’t… 

[jwrunner81]

7 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Please, don’t… don’t say you miss me, don’t become over sentimental, don’t ask me to respond to that… a please is always a please don’t… 

Yeah, that was my assumption as well.  It's kind of funny because before I went to visit him (while we were in the planning stages of my trip), he asked me to bring one of my t-shirts to leave with him when I left because he would probably miss me and want something of mine to hold onto.  Stupid me obliged and I did leave one of my gym shirts at his house.  Total BS, I know.  

[jwrunner81]

One other thing I failed to mention - when I was at his house, there were a couple of women's hygiene products in his bathroom.  One of them was Garnier micellar water (a makeup remover) and then a women's Dove product that were both on the counter by the sink in his master bathroom.  Not entirely sure who those belonged to, but I know that he sure as hell has no need for makeup remover....

[Sindy_0311]

1 minute ago, jwrunner81 said:

One other thing I failed to mention - when I was at his house, there were a couple of female hygiene products in his bathroom.  One of them was Garnier micellar water (a makeup remover) and then a women's Dove product that were both on the counter in his master bathroom.  Not entirely sure who those belonged to......

Wow this is a very telling detail. It surely belongs to a “regular” one. 
 

The thing about his ex, it hit my mind that he might be in an open relationship. They don’t live together but apparently they rely on each other for emergencies. That made me think about me and my ex husband. We have been divorced for almost two years now, we had a kid together, and even separated we still see each and rely on each other. Also I have to mention that we casually spend nights together even if he has a girlfriend since 8 month. I’m not proud of it but it’s just how it is. We still enjoy each other very much even if we both know we are not good match as a married couple. I still have his keys and he also has mine. When he is with his girlfriend he asks me to ring the bell, because he didn’t tell her. So I guess your guy is still in a relationship with his ex. Otherwise, why would he still have contact with her without a kid involved? Guys usually don’t stay friend with their ex unless there is still something going on or if they had children together. Please forgive my bad English. It’s late here in Switzerland!! 

[jwrunner81]

4 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Wow this is a very telling detail. It surely belongs to a “regular” one. 
 

The thing about his ex, it hit my mind that he might be in an open relationship. They don’t live together but apparently they rely on each other for emergencies. That made me think about me and my ex husband. We have been divorced for almost two years now, we had a kid together, and even separated we still see each and rely on each other. Also I have to mention that we casually spend nights together even if he has a girlfriend since 8 month. I’m not proud of it but it’s just how it is. We still enjoy each other very much even if we both know we are not good match as a married couple. I still have his keys and he also has mine. When he is with his girlfriend he asks me to ring the bell, because he didn’t tell her. So I guess your guy is still in a relationship with his ex. Otherwise, why would he still have contact with her without a kid involved? Guys usually don’t stay friend with their ex unless there is still something going on or if they had children together. Please forgive my bad English. It’s late here in Switzerland!! 

That could definitely be a possibility.  I'm almost positive that they never lived together.  She has her own house in the same town (the one we had to go check on) and, quite frankly, he doesn't strike me as the type of guy who would want a woman living with him.  He comes across as a dude who appreciates having his space, hence why he has probably never been married and has no kids to speak of, just a puppy.  The whole situation is very mysterious and bizarre to me!  I still wonder why he didn't discuss any of his past relationships with me at all!  I told him all about my marriage!

Also, he obviously prefers younger women.  He's 14 years older than me and I think he mentioned that his ex was even a bit younger than I am.....

[Sindy_0311]

6 minutes ago, jwrunner81 said:

I still wonder why he didn't discuss any of his past relationships with me at all!  I told him all about my marriage!

I assume he didn’t talk about past relationships because they are not past. He might have some regulars or even a (some ) girlfriend but he doesn’t live with her. Maybe the one with the bad paint color… single guys (mostly older good looking ones) often have plenty of women at their disposal. They enjoy their single live jumping from a woman to an other on a regular basis.