Just found out my boyfriend has been cheating on me for 1 month

[eNotAgain]

My (now ex) boyfriend has been cheating on me for 1 month. I have been so devastated after finding this out that I havent been able to eat for 2 days (other than a few slices of bread) and I keep going over and over everything in my mind unable to focus on anything else.

We were together for 4 months. I was head over heels in love with him and falling deeper in love every time I saw him. He was saying so many sweet things to me about the future together, even bought me a ring and a necklace, talking about how amazing he thinks I am and how he's been looking for someone like me for a long time, saying my ex's were stupid to cheat on me, etc.

This month everything changed. He suddenly started going days without responding to my texts. He blamed his job, working 12 hour days. He stopped calling me babe. Texts and conversations became dry. No emotion from him. When I would say something sweet such as, I am so lucky to have you - he literally pushed me off of him and changed the subject (due to his guilty conscience, now I understand why). He made up lame excuses to cancel date plans last minute.

I stupidly believed it was the stress from his job because thats literally what he told me. I found out he was sleeping with a girl who looks similar to me. This really hurts. All the emotion apparently went to her, because he is just seeing her now - not a bunch of other girls, he was just cheating on me with her. I think that hurts more for some reason because all those sweet things he was saying to me, he's now saying to her.

She has this huge white straight beautiful smile from pics on her instagram and I feel like absolute trash now. I sent her a message on instagram telling her he's been cheating on me with her but she never replied - probably won't. Which means she's probably believing whatever lies he's telling her about me right now. Like oh dont mind her, thats my crazy ex who cant take a hint, or something.

Valentines day is coming up. I already bought him a watch with his name engraved on it. I feel so stupid now. He's probably going to spend valentines day with her. I need some words of encouragement because this truly hurts and my confidence plummeted.

I obviously broke up with him when I found out but he chose to ignore me when I confronted him.

Please dont say "It was only 4 months." I know it was short, but that doesn't mean the feelings weren't big. 

[boltnrun]

This is the doctor who was "soooo busy" and didn't like texting and needed to "decompress" away from you? Yeah, that guy wasn't worth any of your tears.

Please don't contact his girlfriend anymore. He will indeed say something derogatory about you to her which, who cares, but it will not cause her to break up with him and bring him back to you. Why would you want him back anyway 🙄

It's OK to be upset. It's normal to not have any appetite and to feel sad and even heartbroken. I found the bad feelings got less when I gave myself permission to feel bad for a certain amount of time each day, say 15 minutes every four hours. 

I would list the watch for sale on eBay. Someone might have the same name and want it for themself or as a gift. 

You'll feel better soon, I'm sure.

[Cherylyn]

I'm sorry.  Better to breakup now than later. 

[spinstermanquee]

That stinks, eNotAgain.  The writing was on the wall when he went a week incommunicado.  You deserve better...

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. How did you find out and how did you know to contact her?

It sounds strange, but try not to take it personally. Sometimes hindsight is 20/20 and in this case, he turned out to be a player. 

In the long run you probably dodged a bullet. Think about the ease of his lies and duplicity. Unfortunately this may not be his first rodeo as far as womanizing and superficial charm. 

What's done is done. Now delete and block him and all his people.

4 mos is not the issue. It's the creepiness of this calculated deception and the callousness of it.

You'll be ok. In fact you'll be a lot better without a snake like this in your life.

[MissCanuck]

Yes, I recall that he pretended to be too busy and too stressed from work to be in touch with you. You sensed something was off, and you were sadly absolutely correct. 

It will hurt for a while. But you are human, so it's important that you let yourself feel what you feel. However, you need to stay off her social media now and not reach out to her anymore. 

Spend this time taking care of yourself and patting yourself on the back for trusting your instinct that this wasn't right. Yes, you made excuses for him but I strongly get the impression that it was only because you didn't want (yet) to listen to the niggling voice that this guy was not being upfront with you. 

 

[Kwothe28]

It happens. Early months are mostly getting to know each other. When you dont even know how he is, especially when you are blinded by "rose colored glasses" at start, its easy to not see some things. Yes, you should be lucky you discovered at start. And not when you invested yourself more.

Also, you are focusing on the wrong thing. Your focus is on "How could he do this to me?". Its natural that you are hurt there, but its an abudant question. That will only lead you to more pain. Instead switch of to "He showed me who he is and that he is bad". That way you will go faster to acceptance and be ready to move on in time.

[Batya33]

I'm sorry you're hurting.  Please do not contact this woman again. You have no idea how this guy will react if you anger him or whether she will get angry at you and retaliate.  Could be she knows he was dating you and she's cool with it.  I'm really sorry he betrayed you -what an icky feeling.  I hope you feel better soon.  The best revenge is live your best life -if you have no appetite at least drink enough water and use some good smelling face cream or lotions and wrap yourself in soft pajamas and blankets.  You matter and you deserve respect and caring!

[Andrina]

As Gwyneth Paltrow said: The best way to mend a broken heart is time and girlfriends.

I always found a great movie that deals with women's struggles with men combined with humor is a good way to temporarily indulge in my pity plus laugh a little. A great movie for that is Bridget Jones' Diary.

He had lots of red flags flying, so perhaps with time and distance away from him, you will see things through a more realistic lens that you can learn from going forward. He's a jerk and there's nothing you can do about that. But realize what you overlooked for too long so you don't make the same mistakes in the future.

Take care.

[Starlight925]

3 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Also, you are focusing on the wrong thing. Your focus is on "How could he do this to me?". Its natural that you are hurt there, but its an abudant question. That will only lead you to more pain. Instead switch of to "He showed me who he is and that he is bad". That way you will go faster to acceptance and be ready to move on in time.

^^ This is great advice, especially the bolded.

I'm so sorry this happened to you.  My heart is with you.  Something wasn't quite smelling right with his whole "too too busy" routine, which is why you came here for advice.  You knew it wasn't a great start to a new relationship, you questioned it, and unfortunately, your red flag detector was correct.

Don't worry about who she is, how white her teeth are, or anything else about her.  He's woo-ing her now just as he did you; he's buying her the little gifts he bought you; he's telling her the sweet nothings he told you.  This is about what a cad he is, not about her.  She might need a friend in her future, as the way you get 'em, is usually the way you lose 'em.

 

[Lambert]

Aww.  I am sorry.  That does stink.  I have been there.  but it doesn't matter.  He doesn't matter.  He's a cheater and a loser.  Definitely not good enough for you and now you know that.  You have a whole life ahead of you and now you are free to love yourself, enjoy yourself and eventually meet someone that will treat you the way you deserve.  

Onward and upward!  Thank you, NEXT!!

[Jaunty]

Ugh.  What a ***wad.   I'm sorry.  Listen to the others who advise not to contact the woman again.   If you can discipline yourself - YOU CAN - block her from all your social media along with him.   It seems that you know a lot about what's going on with him.  It's best to just make it all invisible to yourself, it will help you move on better, cleaner and faster.   

[eNotAgain]

I know I shouldn't care, but do relationships with the other woman last? Are they going to ride off into the sunset together because he chose her over me? I know its petty to even ask but I'm still really hurting and it matters to me. 

But even if they dont last, it doesn't change the fact that he chose her. I can never forget that part. I find myself comparing me to her and she seems more professional than me. As a doctor, he probably found her more wife material. Sucks.

[Jaunty]

15 minutes ago, eNotAgain said:

I know I shouldn't care, but do relationships with the other woman last? Are they going to ride off into the sunset together because he chose her over me? I know its petty to even ask but I'm still really hurting and it matters to me. 

I wouldn't really look at this as an "other woman" situation.  You were with him for 4 months, and he's been seeing her for 1 of those. A quarter of your time together.

Yes, he cheated and treated you terribly in doing so, but you have no way of knowing whether this woman and he have a relationship that has longevity or if he was just fooling around with her.   It could be a fling - but on the other hand,  they could end up married some day.  

I think you said she is a nurse.  It matters very little and is not an excuse. Cheating is cheating, but things like this happen frequently when someone sees another person many hours of the day and gets close - while the person they're dating, they see rarely. 

Your desire to know what's between them is understandable but you NEED to let go of it.   

 

[Batya33]

28 minutes ago, eNotAgain said:

I know I shouldn't care, but do relationships with the other woman last? Are they going to ride off into the sunset together because he chose her over me? I know its petty to even ask but I'm still really hurting and it matters to me. 

But even if they dont last, it doesn't change the fact that he chose her. I can never forget that part. I find myself comparing me to her and she seems more professional than me. As a doctor, he probably found her more wife material. Sucks.

She may not have known he was dating someone else seriously.  He wasn't married or engaged to you.  She might be a person who doesn't see it as "other woman" in that instance. Who knows, who cares.  I've seen men I dated including one seriously who chose women who were more attractive than me.  I mean that's life.  I moved on.  It stings but it's part of dating -I'm sorry!

[Kwothe28]

24 minutes ago, eNotAgain said:

I know I shouldn't care, but do relationships with the other woman last? Are they going to ride off into the sunset together because he chose her over me? I know its petty to even ask but I'm still really hurting and it matters to me. 

 

Again asking the wrong questions. You seem to be hyper focused on how he chose her. But you need to understand that it doesnt matter. All it matters is that he treated you bad and cheated. Would you be more happy that you discovered all that down the line? After Valentine? Or while you married the guy? How he sleped with some nurse from work? 

He showed you that he is a bad partner. What he does right now really doesnt matter. 

[Betterwithout]

37 minutes ago, eNotAgain said:

I know I shouldn't care, but do relationships with the other woman last? Are they going to ride off into the sunset together because he chose her over me? I know its petty to even ask but I'm still really hurting and it matters to me. 

But even if they dont last, it doesn't change the fact that he chose her. I can never forget that part. I find myself comparing me to her and she seems more professional than me. As a doctor, he probably found her more wife material. Sucks.

Your heart is delicate and hurt and it is completely normal to feel like this, especially since its fresh, but one day you will realize it was all for the best.  Sorry for the cliche...but it's true.

Will the mental energy you have invested on this situation bring him back?  No
Will comparing yourself to the other women help your self esteem?  No
If this thought pattern continues in your head for several months/years, is it productive?  No

If they do ride off in the sunset together, there is a very good chance he will cheat on her eventually too
Once a cheater, always a cheater has been proven to many.... time and time again.

Let your heart heal and keep your chin up

[boltnrun]

40 minutes ago, eNotAgain said:

I know I shouldn't care, but do relationships with the other woman last? Are they going to ride off into the sunset together because he chose her over me? I know its petty to even ask but I'm still really hurting and it matters to me. 

But even if they dont last, it doesn't change the fact that he chose her. I can never forget that part. I find myself comparing me to her and she seems more professional than me. As a doctor, he probably found her more wife material. Sucks.

What kind of "prize" did she get really? A man who lies and deceives and cheats. He deceived her and likely continues to do so. Do you really feel you got the bad end of the deal here?

I do not subscribe to the adage "once a cheater always a cheater". Look, I was unfaithful in the past. But I didn't (and don't) want to be that selfish a-hole anymore. I feel remorse, regret and guilt.  So I will never cheat again. However, this man is an ACTIVE liar and cheater and presumably feels no remorse. So you are free from a lying, selfish person. A win for you. 

It's OK to feel icky for a while. But the ickiness will subside once you realize what a POS that man is. 

[Wiseman2]

49 minutes ago, eNotAgain said:

I know I shouldn't care, but do relationships with the other woman last? 

It seems more like he's playing the field so none of his relationships may go anywhere. Or he'll continue having a few women in rotation. 

[Starlight925]

1 hour ago, eNotAgain said:

I know I shouldn't care, but do relationships with the other woman last?

Here's the harsh truth:  Yes, often they do.

In every case I can think of where the wife had to embrace the new spouse, due to having shared kids with the cheating husband, the wife is now with partners who are actually better for them and adore them.

In the interim, it's a harsh reality.

In the cases I know of, these came after years of marriage, children, houses, finances.  So just be grateful that you found out early, that you noticed these red flags early, and that you didn't waste decades of your life with this louse.

[Starlight925]

Also:  It's not about whether the new partner is "better", "more professional", "whiter teeth", or any other quality you want to ascribe to the person.

It's about him, and what he did.  Not about you, and not about her.

In one case, my friend called me (10 years ago, now), as she found out her husband was cheating.  He's now married to the woman.  My friend couldn't believe it:  This woman was 100 lbs. overweight, super obnoxious, loud, and had less of an education, and a lower-paying job than my friend.  I had the same discussion with her:  It's not about you.  It's about him.  P.S.:  My friend has been married now for about 7 years to an amazing man who adores her.

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, eNotAgain said:

but do relationships with the other woman last?

They can, yes. 

But does it matter? He's a dishonest doosh canoe either way. This isn't someone you'd have been able to build a life with even if he hadn't been currently dating someone else. He lacks integrity and has no respect for you. That means a healthy, happy, thriving relationship would have been impossible. 

How did you come to find out about it? 

[JTCW]

On 2/7/2023 at 5:50 PM, eNotAgain said:

I sent her a message on instagram telling her he's been cheating on me with her but she never replied

She obviously already knew. Don't message her again and don't look at either of their social media.

[Ariya]

Really sorry to hear about this. Sadly, this seems to be the reality of modern dating.

I can understand this because i am also going through something similar, 6 months relationship and he slow-faded/ghosted me...even though i have no proof of cheating but i have a gut instinct there is someone else.

First of all, do not blame yourself. Whatever a person wants to do is between him and his conscience, it is something we cannot control.....i believe in one thing, Karma, let Karma take care of him.

I went through something similar 2 years ago, it was tough, you question your self worth and wondering why he chose her over you, yes, been through all that......it is ok to go through that journey, it is a process, you will feel every inch of your heart aching, almost like you cant breath sometimes...you will cry in the shower, cry when driving, you will cry to your friends....but it will pass.

Take this time to empower yourself, pick up a new hobby or focus on something......i did, while going through the pain, i climbed the highest mountain in my state , all by myself, took me 10 hours to complete the hike , but i did that to signal a new beginning and to let go.  I also went to karaoke so much with my friends i discovered i was good at singing LOL.

A month later, he came back, its like he sensed the energy shift....but i was no longer interested in him...i even feel disgusted by the look of him, wondering what i saw in him.

It will happen to you if you take this time to process this whole thing and take the opportunity to empower yourself.

Its painful now, but nothing stays the same forever, including the bad times.

[inthewind]

🤗🤗🤗🤗 It will hurt! It doesn't matter the length of time a relationship lasted but sometimes the shorter it is the easier it will be. Like everyone said give yourself time to process and heal. It's better to be in alone than in a toxic unhealthy relationship, even though it's hard to see that now. Hang with your friends. Eat your favorite ice cream. Find some super chic rock ballads that make you feel good and dance. It'll help to get the pain and frustrations out in a healthy fashion. Bask in the love that your have around you (family and friends) they will help you through this. Also the people here on this forum are always so helpful. I have been able to rant, rave, etc. when I needed some outside perspectives. Give yourself time to heal. Take care of yourself and be patient. Celebrate all the little victories too while you get back to you!