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I need a new perspective..


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I need some help finding a new perspective on my responsibilities as a mother and housewife. So for some back story my boyfriend and I have been dating for 14 years, we have a 10 year old child together and he did propose to me two years ago. I put off planning the wedding because it seemed really daunting trying to plan a wedding by myself (hes not really the type to join with that kind of stuff). Anyways at the beginning of our relationship we split everything 50/50. We both had full time jobs and we both split the rent and everything in half. After about 3 years of dating i got pregnant and i was really scared, we talked about it and he agreed that he would step up and pay my half of the bills (so now hes paying everything) while I was out of work due to having the baby. It was hard for me to get back to work and he had to continue to support us while I was home since i had to have an operation that didn't go very well so I was laid up for a while. Once I got better we kind of decided that he would pay the bills and I would do all of the domestic things like laundry dishes taking care of the baby and grocery shopping cleaning and all that. Well that was fine while I wasn't working but then I got better and we got childcare so I could go back to work.

I paid for childcare while I was working but that was what most of my check was going to so I knew I needed a better job, we moved shortly after into a house instead of an apartment so my household duties got more intense taking care of a whole house now instead of just a tiny apartment. well fast forward 10 years to now, the last couple of years I have been so burnt out. I work from home now I have a good job that pays decent and he works a night shift. I pay both our phone bill, and food bill and whatever our 10 yr old needs for school and etcetera and whatever else we might need. He still pays 100% of the rent and the electric bill and gas bill. Lately I have been getting so burnt out, having trouble managing my emotions and just feeling overwhelmed, I always have so much to do with doing all the laundry and cooking every night for everyone I also make his lunches for work and make sure he has everything he might need. I also take care of the house and groceries and all that as well as now driving our daughter to after school events and sleepovers and anything that involves her I do. I basically do everything... he works and comes home and plays video games then goes to bed. I feel like I'm starting to have some resentment towards him but I shouldn't because I'm the one who agreed to this. And yes I have tried asking him for help but he DOES NOT like to help at all. He will put off tasks until I just do it because I cant wait all day on him so at this point I just don't even ask anymore. I just feel like an empty shell of myself, we cant even go out cause its too expensive, he sleeps all day cause he works at night so I never see him or get to talk to him and our daughter goes to school and I work from home alone all day in the dark (my work desk is in the bedroom where he sleeps so I have to be very quiet all day and work with the lights off) and now I'm just feeling like my brain is breaking.

I'm constantly in charge of everything, when they eat, what they eat, what clothes they wear (i buy everything that's not related to bills so i buy everyone's clothes and all that kind of stuff)  I have to manage my time so that when I get off work I can either go get our daughter or bring her somewhere and also make sure that I have time to make dinner and that everyone is taken care of and all their needs are met. All of this really makes me feel like a single mom and I feel horrible about whining because lots of single moms do this every day. I need to find a way to be more happy in my life, I feel so stressed out all the time especially while trying to plan a wedding as well! I just wish I could be everything they need me to be and more but I'm just... mediocre. I never do the laundry regularly cause I'm always busy, I burn dinner ALOT. I'm late picking up our daughter for her after school programs and I over spend when I go to the grocery store. I don't know what to do I need to be more efficient and just better overall. if you read this far thank you so much for reading this and please if anyone can help me, I would really appreciate it.  

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Ahh yeah, a few challenges for sure 😕 .

1) any way he can change from night shift?  my son did this for his wife, as she was struggling as well.. being alone at night and became the same way at work.

2) Can you change your work place? To another room?  Why is that set up in a room he sleeps in all day? 😕 .  No good on you!

3) Can you two make a date night now & then?  Any family nearby or hire a sitter.  

I get it, I have an ex who would work shifts, it was very hard on everyone!  That lifestyle is not easy.

Also, maybe you can try to 'change it up' a bit re: your own schedule. Eg, make certain days your 'laundry day'. Same for shopping days eg. Thursdays.  Life can be a little easier when we 'schedule' things.

Other than that, yes, life is challenging in it's own ways.  We can get drained having to do so much ( I had 4 to tend to - and it got me in the end) 😕 .

And IF he says anything re: lack of things getting done, you say 'oh well, it'll still be there tomorrow - cause I am not getting it done today!' 😉 

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Sorry you are feeling burned out with all of this.

You have taken on a lot of the burden here, and your BF should be picking up his slack. Though I will ask what does he do for work? And what do you do? Could you all live as you are on just what your BF makes?

Just doing a mental run down here, and a mixed bag of ideas.

  • You two work very different schedules, which makes it rough regardless of the other tasks at hand, and especially with bonding. Small windows of time together, filled with getting the kids ready, meals etc; will put a strain on even the most supportive of relationships.
  • You are carrying a lot of burden with work and child care; which makes it easy for resentments to grow and fester. because you two have such different schedules it's hard to work on problems.
    • As such if he works a heavy manufacturing job, his daily burnout from those stresses and him trying to decompress; will make it seem like he's more indifferent. Not right to procrastinate, but he can justify things in his head.

I think one of the first small steps is to find a different place to do your work, where you can have the lights on or open the blinds. Working in an environment that is dark leads to all sorts of problems in and of itself.

You need to find a way to schedule time for the two of you, it doesn't have to mean going out on the town, it could be simple as making a picnic lunch and just getting out of the house for a weekend. If you two can afford living more frugally and on his pay alone, maybe it's time for that discussion.

As someone else on here says, write more if it helps you process this all.

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I relate with most everything you said. I also work from home and manage our household, and our 9 and 3 year old daughters. It’s really a lot. All last year I was depressed, lonely, frustrated, and angry. I’m slowly taking steps to come out of it, including being honest about where my heads at with my husband, scheduling my first therapy appointment, but most importantly: accepting myself.

It’s the last few lines of your post that really stood out to me. About being mediocre and wanting to be better and more efficient. But you are not a robot that can learn shortcuts and get faster/better at doing a set amount of tasks. You are a human, with ambition and ideas and feelings. You have an endless amount of tasks that need doing at any given moment and you don’t ever feel like you’re “caught up”, much less ahead of the game. It’s completely understandable that you feel overwhelmed, burned out, and unappreciated. Try to acknowledge that and accept it. It’s okay that you feel this way, everyone goes through phases of life that are just too much to carry. 

I encourage you to try to share your truth with your boyfriend. Let him know upfront that it’s not his fault, and you don’t want him to fix it for you, you just need him to listen so he can understand how you feel, and it helps you to better understand yourself by talking through it.

If you guys can find a common understanding, you can work together to make a plan for having more balance. This is the foundation of a relationship…being a team and working through life together.

You’re doing a great job, you really are. Being a mom and an employee and a wife and a housekeeper and an accountant and a secretary…it’s an impossible job. It’s okay to let the laundry go. Has anyone had to go naked yet? Doubt it. It’s okay to grab some $1 McDoubles for dinner occasionally (bonus: no dishes), or teach your 10yo how to make spaghetti. You are doing it all right now, and if you feel worn thin, it’s okay to ask your family to pick up some slack so you can rest. You deserve that, and they deserve the opportunity to be there for you.

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The situation has changed.  He is not paying 100%, but you're still doing 100%.  You don't say in your post.  Have you talked to him about this? (not just, hey can you finish the laundry)

Obviously, that is the first step.  Would it be great if he stepped up without you saying anything?  Yes.  It would.  But that isn't happening.  

I would talk to him about this and not in "I'm pissed you haven't figured this out" way.  In a hey, we need to figure this out because I am drowning.  Here's what's been happening with me. What do you think?  Basically, a conversation.

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15 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Ahh yeah, a few challenges for sure 😕 .

1) any way he can change from night shift?  my son did this for his wife, as she was struggling as well.. being alone at night and became the same way at work.

2) Can you change your work place? To another room?  Why is that set up in a room he sleeps in all day? 😕 .  No good on you!

3) Can you two make a date night now & then?  Any family nearby or hire a sitter.  

I get it, I have an ex who would work shifts, it was very hard on everyone!  That lifestyle is not easy.

Also, maybe you can try to 'change it up' a bit re: your own schedule. Eg, make certain days your 'laundry day'. Same for shopping days eg. Thursdays.  Life can be a little easier when we 'schedule' things.

Other than that, yes, life is challenging in it's own ways.  We can get drained having to do so much ( I had 4 to tend to - and it got me in the end) 😕 .

And IF he says anything re: lack of things getting done, you say 'oh well, it'll still be there tomorrow - cause I am not getting it done today!' 😉 

There is no other option for his work hours, he needs that shift because it pays more plus he really enjoys not working with the public (he works at Lowes night shift manager doesn't have to talk to public)

 

I cannot change my work area, we live in a tiny apartment now and there's only two bedrooms one for us and one for our daughter. The only area is in the Livingroom but he has his gaming computer set up out there so the only other place i can put a desk is in our bedroom. It worked great when he worked during the day but not so much now.

 

We cannot go out anymore, its too expensive. We used to go on a date once a week but we had to stop. I miss it. 

 

I really like your idea of making myself a schedule, i think that could increase my efficiency and then i might not be so overwhelmed.  

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17 minutes ago, Coily said:

 

You have taken on a lot of the burden here, and your BF should be picking up his slack. Though I will ask what does he do for work? And what do you do? Could you all live as you are on just what your BF makes?

 

Technically he is doing his agreed upon end of the tasks which is paying the rent. He used to run a big company and made like 60k a year, the company got sold and he got fired by the new owners and he was struggling to find a new job because he was overqualified for a lot. He finally found a decent job at Lowes, hes the nighttime manager and also stocks shelves at night with the rest of the crew. He says it can be boring sometimes if no trucks deliver product. There is absolutely no way we can live off his salary now, we need my income to contribute i also have a car payment that i pay.

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7 minutes ago, Lambert said:

The situation has changed.  He is not paying 100%, but you're still doing 100%.  You don't say in your post.  Have you talked to him about this? (not just, hey can you finish the laundry)

Obviously, that is the first step.  Would it be great if he stepped up without you saying anything?  Yes.  It would.  But that isn't happening.  

I would talk to him about this and not in "I'm pissed you haven't figured this out" way.  In a hey, we need to figure this out because I am drowning.  Here's what's been happening with me. What do you think?  Basically, a conversation.

I see what your saying. When i try to have this conversation he is really supportive and says im doing a great job and if i need help i can just ask him. When i do ask him he kind of huffs about it but he will sometimes do it on his own time if he wants to. Other times he will say yes but then put it off until i have to do it myself. I have told him sometimes its taxing for me to make so many meals in one day and tell him i dont want to make his lunch that day, he usually responds with "awwww man but when you make my lunch it makes me think of you" and of course that makes me want to do it because i like the idea of being on his mind. He likes when i do things for him and he does thank me sometimes so its hard because i just want to make him happy. 

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48 minutes ago, TeeBell said:

I'm constantly in charge of everything

Don't do anymore of his laundry.  Stop making his lunches.  Don't make him breakfast or dinner.  Don't buy clothes for him.  If he wants to eat, he can cook.  If he gets mad, tell him "get a pan to cook, or there's the door"

As scary as you might be, he won't leave.  He's just gotten used to treating you like a doormat, and being a child you take care of.

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8 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

Don't do anymore of his laundry.  Stop making his lunches.  Don't make him breakfast or dinner.  Don't buy clothes for him.  If he wants to eat, he can cook.  If he gets mad, tell him "get a pan to cook, or there's the door"

As scary as you might be, he won't leave.  He's just gotten used to treating you like a doormat, and being a child you take care of.

Yes this I agree.  Also if he is home playing video games - take time out and/or leave and go sit in a coffee shop or in the parking lot by the grocery store and veg or go for a run or do you -do something for you- let him hold down the fort.  

Also is part of this that you two aren't married? I didn't understand at all why you didn't get married because of planning a wedding - the reception if you choose to have one takes planning for sure -but getting married does not - you can have a religious officiant or go to a courthouse and you can have very immediate family/best friend as a witness and you're married.  Is any of this resentment about you two not having a marital commitment - is it part of other stuff that's kind of meh about the relationship??

I planned my wedding when I was pregnant -planned pregnancy - it took a month. I bought a dress and shoes, borrowed a veil, made reservations for 10 people for lunch at a local, favorite restaurant and we had a religious officiant at my in laws' home with 10 people there -all family and one close friend. It was awesome.  We also had to go get the marriage license and his wedding band.  That took a couple hours.  My husband said he'd be happy to have a reception later if I wanted and I didn't want one (we did throw a party for my in laws' 50th anniversary when our son was 4 months old so we got to see lots of family and friends then.  

I'm just wondering if part of you feeling emotional and taken for granted and treated disrespectfully also has to do with neither of you bothering to get married after he proposed.  

I have a 13 year old.  I was home for the first 7.5 years which is what we both wanted so much.  My husband worked more than full time and traveled and had crazy hours and also worked on an advanced degree.  He spent tons of time with our son -all he could.  He insisted I get a housecleaner weekly (I opted for twice a month).  That helped. 

Honestly I don't typically make him lunch or dinner.  I'll steam veggies/bake potatoes and put them in tupperware or foil in the fridge -he helps himself - I buy a precooked rotisserie chicken ,we do some take out and I make omelets and tuna salads, and used to do some stir fries.  I do prepare food for our son but I often let husband fend for himself -he also has leftovers from business dinners and lunches and we all do some takeout.  

Point is when I was home full time (I work part time now, for the last 6 plus years -I am 56) - my job was primarily childcare.  The rest I saw as very secondary.  Yes I've always done everyone's laundry because if he did his own it would be at inconvenient times.  And I'd brought a hefty nest egg to the marriage so I insisted on contributing $$ each month when I was home (he didn't ask).  

It is time to have that talk and you may have to have him do things "his way" as long as they get done.  And I'm a fan of simply leaving the house -your daughter is 10 not 2- and saying "bye see ya in ____ hours" and if you have to get work done bring your laptop with you.  Let him experience being an involved parent.  

Good luck and I'm sorry you're so tired and stressed -I get it!!

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If he has time for video games he has time to pick up some house chores. The problem here is you. We teach people how to treat us. And you allowed him to avoid his chores knowing you will pick it up if he doesnt do it? So why would he do it? When he knows that even if he doesnt and slack, you will do it for him?

Sit down with him and tell him he needs to pick up his fair share of choirs because you wont do it anymore for him. And discuss what he should pick up. That he needs to take out the trash, drive kid around if it needs for school, anything that would make your load less hard.

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25 minutes ago, TeeBell said:

When i try to have this conversation he is really supportive and says im doing a great job and if i need help i can just ask him.

Why should you have to "ask" him for help??? He's the father, he lives there - he sees what goes on and what is needed so why isn't he getting off his behind and saying "hey so I'll unload the dishwasher while you start dinner."  Or "I'll check in with Daughter to see if she has homework/a test coming up and if so we can do that after dinner."

You don't need to be patted on the head and told you're doing a great job -you need him to take initiative and do what needs to be done.  He should assume you "need" a partner who also does part of the housework/food prep/clean up.  I tell my husband I prefer to do the kitchen stuff but he does certain stuff without asking - and he also does any handy things our maintenance people don't.  

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3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes this I agree.  Also if he is home playing video games - take time out and/or leave and go sit in a coffee shop or in the parking lot by the grocery store and veg or go for a run or do you -do something for you- let him hold down the fort.  

Also is part of this that you two aren't married? I didn't understand at all why you didn't get married because of planning a wedding - the reception if you choose to have one takes planning for sure -but getting married does not - you can have a religious officiant or go to a courthouse and you can have very immediate family/best friend as a witness and you're married.  Is any of this resentment about you two not having a marital commitment - is it part of other stuff that's kind of meh about the relationship??

I planned my wedding when I was pregnant -planned pregnancy - it took a month. I bought a dress and shoes, borrowed a veil, made reservations for 10 people for lunch at a local, favorite restaurant and we had a religious officiant at my in laws' home with 10 people there -all family and one close friend. It was awesome.  We also had to go get the marriage license and his wedding band.  That took a couple hours.  My husband said he'd be happy to have a reception later if I wanted and I didn't want one (we did throw a party for my in laws' 50th anniversary when our son was 4 months old so we got to see lots of family and friends then.  

I'm just wondering if part of you feeling emotional and taken for granted and treated disrespectfully also has to do with neither of you bothering to get married after he proposed.  

I have a 13 year old.  I was home for the first 7.5 years which is what we both wanted so much.  My husband worked more than full time and traveled and had crazy hours and also worked on an advanced degree.  He spent tons of time with our son -all he could.  He insisted I get a housecleaner weekly (I opted for twice a month).  That helped. 

Honestly I don't typically make him lunch or dinner.  I'll steam veggies/bake potatoes and put them in tupperware or foil in the fridge -he helps himself - I buy a precooked rotisserie chicken ,we do some take out and I make omelets and tuna salads, and used to do some stir fries.  I do prepare food for our son but I often let husband fend for himself -he also has leftovers from business dinners and lunches and we all do some takeout.  

Point is when I was home full time (I work part time now, for the last 6 plus years -I am 56) - my job was primarily childcare.  The rest I saw as very secondary.  Yes I've always done everyone's laundry because if he did his own it would be at inconvenient times.  And I'd brought a hefty nest egg to the marriage so I insisted on contributing $$ each month when I was home (he didn't ask).  

It is time to have that talk and you may have to have him do things "his way" as long as they get done.  And I'm a fan of simply leaving the house -your daughter is 10 not 2- and saying "bye see ya in ____ hours" and if you have to get work done bring your laptop with you.  Let him experience being an involved parent.  

Good luck and I'm sorry you're so tired and stressed -I get it!!

So i do realize that i have kind of gotten myself in this situation. There is a lot that has not been said, other issues in our relationship that we have worked hard to get past (cheating ect.) I make dinner every night for our family, im home and if i dont do it then im just lazy. It just gets tiring every single night like i run out of ideas of what to make! and i have no cooking skills so im very limited to what i can make in the first place. I work full time 8 am to 5 pm and he works full time 8 pm to 5 am. I do leave the house when i go to the grocery store and am gone for about an hour and they both just sit at their computers and do whatever. They prob dont even notice im gone. Being married is not a priority for us really, we have been together for 14 years we are basically married already. we had planned to get married much earlier in our relationship but that didnt work out for.. reasons. I feel like we are at a place where everyone is happy except for me and im afraid to push it because i dont want to ruin our whole family just because im whiny and lazy and cant do some chores. i just wish i could change my mindset and make that the thing that gives me joy and happiness. 

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8 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

If he has time for video games he has time to pick up some house chores. The problem here is you. We teach people how to treat us. And you allowed him to avoid his chores knowing you will pick it up if he doesnt do it? So why would he do it? When he knows that even if he doesnt and slack, you will do it for him?

Sit down with him and tell him he needs to pick up his fair share of choirs because you wont do it anymore for him. And discuss what he should pick up. That he needs to take out the trash, drive kid around if it needs for school, anything that would make you load less hard.

I do realize i got myself into this positiion. He has some really strong personality traits and one of them is that i cant "tell him what to do" he will just automatically not do it. I have to ask him, and it has to be an easy task or he will procrastinate which is something he has done the whole time we have been together. He will always wait until the last second to do anything even if its for him, if we have to go anywhere he wll wait until 15 mins before we leave to take a shower and get ready. The other issue is that he is asleep during our normal waking hours, he works 8pm to 5am so he is not accessable during the day to even help with chores. Luckily i work from home and i am able to get some things done during the day while he sleeps (i have to be quiet though). 

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1 minute ago, TeeBell said:

I feel like we are at a place where everyone is happy except for me and im afraid to push it because i dont want to ruin our whole family just because im whiny and lazy and cant do some chores. i just wish i could change my mindset and make that the thing that gives me joy and happiness. 

How I would change my mindset:

Frame it differently.  "I am able to do all the chores.  When I do all the chores and work full time my body rebels - I forget to drink enough water/eat properly/get daily cardio exercise. I end up grabbing food/drinking too much soda or coffee.  I then feel overtired and irritable."  I need more time to take care of me.  I need to get enough sleep, drink 10-12 glasses of plain water a day, get daily brisk cardio exercise at least 20-30 minutes/day at least 5 days a week. I don't feel well and eating/sleeping/exercising properly will help my mindset."

To do that I will need to outsource (make your list - laundry once a week? a housecleaner once or twice a month? takeout food or prepared food for dinner twice a week? ).  I also will need Boyfriend to (make another list - take out the garbage/bring in dinner for himself ____ times a week/make his own or buy his own lunch).  Also if he can't pick up daughter or take her to activities hire a sitter type who can do so if not all the time a lot of the time.  

 

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5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Why should you have to "ask" him for help??? He's the father, he lives there - he sees what goes on and what is needed so why isn't he getting off his behind and saying "hey so I'll unload the dishwasher while you start dinner."  Or "I'll check in with Daughter to see if she has homework/a test coming up and if so we can do that after dinner."

You don't need to be patted on the head and told you're doing a great job -you need him to take initiative and do what needs to be done.  He should assume you "need" a partner who also does part of the housework/food prep/clean up.  I tell my husband I prefer to do the kitchen stuff but he does certain stuff without asking - and he also does any handy things our maintenance people don't.  

The thing is early on in our relationship i agreed to be the housekeeper in the relationship. I am so tied to it that if i dont do it i feel guilty and like im letting them down. I also feel like i need to do it so i can help provide for our family since i cant pay my share of the rent. The other thing is... we had a daughter not a son. He really wanted a boy so he could "pass on his legacy" but that didnt happen, we got a little girl. She is mine to raise, dont get me wrong he is present in her life but its my duty to teach her how to grow up to be a woman. That is my burden to bear, I am the mother, the rock of the family and its my job to make sure everyone is taken care of. Its my sacrifice to make. 

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3 minutes ago, TeeBell said:

He will always wait until the last second to do anything even if its for him, if we have to go anywhere he wll wait until 15 mins before we leave to take a shower and get ready.

When possible tell him when you are leaving to be timely.  Then leave.

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43 minutes ago, TeeBell said:

Technically he is doing his agreed upon end of the tasks which is paying the rent. He used to run a big company and made like 60k a year, the company got sold and he got fired by the new owners and he was struggling to find a new job because he was overqualified for a lot. He finally found a decent job at Lowes, hes the nighttime manager and also stocks shelves at night with the rest of the crew. He says it can be boring sometimes if no trucks deliver product. There is absolutely no way we can live off his salary now, we need my income to contribute i also have a car payment that i pay.

That's a big psychological hang up for a lot of guys, to go from making decent money to barely able to support your family. He could be depressed a but over this loss of income, how was he before this change of employment? Was he more responsible and proactive around the house? Ignore most of that since OP you answered that elsewhere.

I ask this as I don't like the confrontational approach of "screw it let him make it himself." If his procrastination and shirking is in parallel with his new employment situation, then there may be bigger things at play.

That's not to say don't find ways to improve your situation and stress load, he needs to step up to the plate and have a direct hand in running the household. Maybe doing the laundry a 4AM isn't ideal, but he could fold them, do other tasks that won't wake everyone up. Communicate clearly, maybe work together and write a calendar of tasks for you both.  If you don't budget, then work on one together. You two are in this as a team, or should be.

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Just now, TeeBell said:

The thing is early on in our relationship i agreed to be the housekeeper in the relationship. I am so tied to it that if i dont do it i feel guilty and like im letting them down. I also feel like i need to do it so i can help provide for our family since i cant pay my share of the rent. The other thing is... we had a daughter not a son. He really wanted a boy so he could "pass on his legacy" but that didnt happen, we got a little girl. She is mine to raise, dont get me wrong he is present in her life but its my duty to teach her how to grow up to be a woman. That is my burden to bear, I am the mother, the rock of the family and its my job to make sure everyone is taken care of. Its my sacrifice to make. 

Oh that's ridiculous and you know it -right? It's hard to be assertive in an effective way.  You have to including for your daughter -she needs a strong role model!! What you agreed to was under different circumstances.  You're not teaching your daughter and -newsflash - a girl or boy needs both parents to learn how to be an adult (woman or man).  It's not about bearing a burden or being the "rock" - shed this drama filled flag of motherhood and sacrifice and martyrdom and show your daughter you are a reasonably confident person who is entitled to respect and compassion and kindness.  So is she.

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1 minute ago, Coily said:

That's a big psychological hang up for a lot of guys, to go from making decent money to barely able to support your family. He could be depressed a but over this loss of income, how was he before this change of employment? Was he more responsible and proactive around the house?

I ask this as I don't like the confrontational approach of "screw it let him make it himself." If his procrastination and shirking is in parallel with his new employment situation, then there may be bigger things at play.

That's not to say don't find ways to improve your situation and stress load, he needs to step up to the plate and have a direct hand in running the household. Maybe doing the laundry a 4AM isn't ideal, but he could fold them, do other tasks that won't wake everyone up. Communicate clearly, maybe work together and write a calendar of tasks for you both.  If you don't budget, then work on one together. You two are in this as a team, or should be.

It doesn't have to be that - she can send the laundry out or do takeout at times.  Time is money.  

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1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

It doesn't have to be that - she can send the laundry out or do takeout at times.  Time is money.  

If they are on a tight budget there is no room for sending the laundry out or takeout. I'm just sticking with the idea that you don't have to put someone on the defensive or punish them in order to make progress.

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5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

How I would change my mindset:

Frame it differently.  "I am able to do all the chores.  When I do all the chores and work full time my body rebels - I forget to drink enough water/eat properly/get daily cardio exercise. I end up grabbing food/drinking too much soda or coffee.  I then feel overtired and irritable."  I need more time to take care of me.  I need to get enough sleep, drink 10-12 glasses of plain water a day, get daily brisk cardio exercise at least 20-30 minutes/day at least 5 days a week. I don't feel well and eating/sleeping/exercising properly will help my mindset."

To do that I will need to outsource (make your list - laundry once a week? a housecleaner once or twice a month? takeout food or prepared food for dinner twice a week? ).  I also will need Boyfriend to (make another list - take out the garbage/bring in dinner for himself ____ times a week/make his own or buy his own lunch).  Also if he can't pick up daughter or take her to activities hire a sitter type who can do so if not all the time a lot of the time.  

 

That is a good suggestion but not plausible for us. Another issue that i did not mention is i have some illnesses that plague me on a daily basis.. im in pain a lot and i have to do a lot to maintain myself just so that im comfortable, let alone any extra stuff to improve my health. Because of my ongoing illnesses, i have used that excuse before, he obliged for a while but then he said i needed to get stronger. That i needed to think mind over matter and that if i change my mindset i can get through anything. He is very supportive in that way by encouraging me but i have kind of worn out the "im overwhelemed i need help" angle. 

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7 minutes ago, Coily said:

That's a big psychological hang up for a lot of guys, to go from making decent money to barely able to support your family. He could be depressed a but over this loss of income, how was he before this change of employment? Was he more responsible and proactive around the house? Ignore most of that since OP you answered that elsewhere.

I ask this as I don't like the confrontational approach of "screw it let him make it himself." If his procrastination and shirking is in parallel with his new employment situation, then there may be bigger things at play.

That's not to say don't find ways to improve your situation and stress load, he needs to step up to the plate and have a direct hand in running the household. Maybe doing the laundry a 4AM isn't ideal, but he could fold them, do other tasks that won't wake everyone up. Communicate clearly, maybe work together and write a calendar of tasks for you both.  If you don't budget, then work on one together. You two are in this as a team, or should be.

Yes it was a struggle for him not being able to provide for us, i really stepped up and did the best i could to pay what i could and thats when we decided to get a joint bank acct. Now we share a bank acct and use our mutual money to pay bills even though he makes a lot more then me so i feel like i buy anything im directly taking away from our rent money since i cant really distinguish which money is mine and which money is his anymore. Also the washer and dryer are in our bedroom along with me and my work desk and the bed he sleeps in.. its a small appt lol. 

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Just now, TeeBell said:

That is a good suggestion but not plausible for us. Another issue that i did not mention is i have some illnesses that plague me on a daily basis.. im in pain a lot and i have to do a lot to maintain myself just so that im comfortable, let alone any extra stuff to improve my health. Because of my ongoing illnesses, i have used that excuse before, he obliged for a while but then he said i needed to get stronger. That i needed to think mind over matter and that if i change my mindset i can get through anything. He is very supportive in that way by encouraging me but i have kind of worn out the "im overwhelemed i need help" angle. 

Right because you don't need help because you are overwhelmed.  You are overwhelmed because there your daughter's father is not pulling his weight. You don't need "help" you need him to step up and act like a partner and a parent.  Encouraging you with words is not supportive -again you're not a puppy who needs a pat on the head.

I'm sorry you have pain and illness! Please stop telling yourself you are making excuses.  State actual facts -not with apology -with assertiveness.  "I am one person.  I can do ______ [list specifically what you feel you can do -not out of martyrdom -for real]"  But I cannot do [another list].  Write this down, print it out and read it to him with normal eye contact.  "So on the list of things I cannot do either we can hire someone or you can take on those tasks."

For example. For grades pre-k and K I took my son to school 95% of the time.  For grades K-7 -except for the year plus school was virtual - I took my son to the bus stop after getting him ready every morning 99.9% of the time.  We missed the school bus zero times in all those years.  .1% of the time my husband drove him -got up and drove -if the bus didn't come.  Other times the bus didn't come we did uber.  Or got a ride. 

This year my son is walking distance to 8th grade - a different school.  I realized I was DONE doing every single morning all those years I did so - and now we don't have to risk missing a bus (which my husband would not have been good at doing those years -they would have missed the bus regularly lol). So partly my husband stepped up to the plate and now walks him to school twice a week and partly -once in awhile -I ask him because either I am busy at work/have an appointment or am darn exhausted.  

He stepped up - and that made a huge difference in the dynamic/conversation.

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