I need a new perspective..

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, TeeBell said:

If i told him i was getting mcdonalds for dinner i think he would just decline to eat.  he has had to wear underwear two days in a row 

Try doing less perfectionism.  Stop babying and mothering your BF .

Take care of yourself and your child primarily. Your BF can do laundry and get take out. If he doesn't like that, it's ok.  You're not his mother. He can take better care of himself. It's not your (and certainly not a child's) responsibility to mother a grown man.

You have a child to mother. Make sure you are not asking a child to do household work your BF should be doing.

Don't teach your daughter bad habits like acting like a servant. You shouldn't act like one so stop teaching her that. Teaching her how to enable your BF and compensate for his drinking, bad habits, etc. is not good for your child.

As far as the other issues. Follow up with your physician about the health issues and do check out the link I provided for support, info and help from AA. Economics has never been an incentive to cut back or quit alcohol or drugs. You'll need more info and support in order for you to start feeling better.

[Jaunty]

A lot of your problems are rooted in codependent behavior.   You've taken on everything that's going on in your household and it's burying you.   You need to parse out what is YOUR stuff and then figure out how to deal with it.

What exactly is "too much" for you?   Identify those things, and write down some actually do-able potential solutions.  Some of these will require that your boyfriend participate.  

What is clearly, absolutely NOT WORKING?  From your posts, an example I would cite is probably your space allocation in the apartment.  You need to work from home, he needs to "recreate" by gaming after he works night shift.  You and your bf MUST get together and plan how things can be organized differently so it's functional.   You CAN do some things in your space, if you can change your perspective from being overwhelmed and buried to solution-oriented. 

Believe me, I know this is much easier said than done.  I understand that you are feeling overwhelmed and buried and when we feel like this, we get trapped and paralyzed.  But it's what is required.

You have said that he will not do anything.  You have to stand your ground.  He WILL do something, or he will 

[Cherylyn]

On 2/3/2023 at 3:52 AM, Batya33 said:

10 year old can help clean for the housekeeper/declutter - even if 10 year old helps given how stressful the family's schedule is on the mom the sort of deeper cleaning a decent housekeeper/cleaning service does is well worth it IMO and then there will be less to do in between the biweekly cleanings.  Also it forces you to declutter which is good.

I did a lot as a 10 year old.  I did the following: Dust, vac, mop, cleaned kitchen and bathrooms, laundry, washed cars and took care of my siblings.  I was my mother's helper and extra hands make for light work. 

[Jaunty]

17 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

I did a lot as a 10 year old.  I did the following: Dust, vac, mop, cleaned kitchen and bathrooms, laundry, washed cars and took care of my siblings.  I was my mother's helper and extra hands make for light work. 

I do have concerns, though, about how the 10 year old is faring in this household.  It sounds quite dysfunctional and like everyone is miserable - mother with chronic pain and both parents evidently in some stage of inebriation when the child is at home.   She can and ought to participate, but there is a strong chance that the kid will be feeling like she's responsible for "fixing" very adult problems here.  
 

[Cherylyn]

On 2/3/2023 at 12:35 PM, TeeBell said:

I get that everyone thinks we are drinking too much but honestly i think thats the least of my problems. If i never mentioned that i drank at night to ease the  pain of my skin condition all of my problems would still persist. 

I get the point of if we stopped drinking we would have 300$ a month to spare but housekeepers in my area cost about 65$ an hour, say we hire one for 3 hours once a week that comes to 195$ a week which comes to around 780$ a month. That is a lot of money and i really just dont see that as an option. I  understand people can live very modestly and we have been for a long time but it wears down on you, never getting anything to look forward to, just stuck in the same routine over and over day after day. We used to go out to the local bar sometimes and get some food and have a beer together, that was before things got crazy expensive and we had to stop doing that. We used to oder from the local pizza place on friday nights and that was fun, pizza night!! not anymore its too expensive. I just work, do housework, take care of daughter and then go to bed and repeat over and over and over, at least we have netflix and i can watch a show before i go to bed with my daughter. Its just so monotonous. I would rather spend the 300$ on our electric bill then a maid to be honest.  

@TeeBellI hope your doctor can help ease your skin condition medically. 

A maid at $65 per hour doesn't have to clean your house 3 hours once a week.  You can afford partial cleaning for an hour such as basic dust 'n vac every other week and once a week for an hour for strictly kitchen and bathrooms.  There are all sorts of housecleaning service plans which are budget friendly. 

Another alternative would be to start giving your daughter a reasonable allowance.  It will be your affordable, age appropriate pricing for a 10 year old.  She can be paid for her chores so she can budget what she can afford such as clothing, shoes, toiletries, entertainment, social life with her friends or whatever her personal preferences are.  This teaches her money management and earning whatever she wants instead of you buying whatever she wants. 

Have a spread sheet or chore chart, tape it to a wall and have her check off whatever chore was completed on assigned days.  Run a tight ship.

[Cherylyn]

2 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

I do have concerns, though, about how the 10 year old is faring in this household.  It sounds quite dysfunctional and like everyone is miserable - mother with chronic pain and both parents evidently in some stage of inebriation when the child is at home.   She can and ought to participate, but there is a strong chance of the kid will be feeling like she's responsible for "fixing" very adult problems here.  
 

My late father was a chain smoking, heavily in debt, alcoholic wife beater and my mother was miserable.  It was hard to ease her pain in every which way.  I wasn't responsible for "fixing" their lives.  I helped because it was called doing the right thing.  I wanted to help and do my part.  Sometimes my mother asked me to help and I helped.  It was a moral obligation to pull my weight and it taught me to be very responsible, conscientious and reliable which carries over to this day.  Unfortunately, my siblings are not the same as me though.  Even though circumstances were somber, my background taught me to mature and grow up fast which was a boon during adulthood.  I toughened up quickly early on so I was stronger than most during adulthood which was to my advantage. 

[Batya33]

11 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

I did a lot as a 10 year old.  I did the following: Dust, vac, mop, cleaned kitchen and bathrooms, laundry, washed cars and took care of my siblings.  I was my mother's helper and extra hands make for light work. 

My mom didn't let us do much and was and is a great housekeeper -very neat and tidy person - that was her way and we also had a monthly (maybe every two weeks?) cleaning person for the 2 bedroom apartment -he was very inexpensive because he loved to work -he was hearing impaired, couldn't speak properly and this kept him busy and we also fed him well when he came- he loved the big deli sandwiches and a beer we got him! - but he did the heavy duty cleaning/moving of furniture.

What I did at age 10 -some cooking, some baking, and also stayed out of my mom's hair because I was a bookworm and wrote and typed stories (1970s!)  -so I may not have had chores but I also didn't create work/need attention.  I had no siblings to take care of -one older sister.  

We had no large house or yard and the building had a maintenance staff.  My mom has lived there for 56 years now and the staff love her and can't do enough for her.  It's not a fancy place to live or fancy apartment and she loves it and it was a great way to grow up in the middle of a major city with so much diversity and culture.  Nothing like suburbs and for that I am personally thankful -but also meant that not a lot of driving -by age 11 I was riding public transit by myself.  No chauffering us around -mom didn't drive/didn't need to.  And with a small apartment much less cleaning and no upkeep needed.  

[boltnrun]

Yeah, I don't think a ten year old should be having a bunch of household chores to be responsible for.  Kids should be allowed to be kids!  I don't mean they should have no chores at all.  My kids took out the trash and folded laundry and put clean dishes away.  But they shouldn't be cooking and cleaning and doing laundry.  They grow up fast enough, let them enjoy their "kid time".

The boyfriend/husband needs to realize the child is his as well as hers. Why he'd want to prioritize a fancy car for himself over providing for his child is puzzling.  Instead of coddling the boyfriend they have to work as a team to make sure the child gets her needs met and household tasks are taken care of.  Part of that is getting rid of money wasters like booze, expensive car payments and premium movie subscriptions.  

[Batya33]

16 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Yeah, I don't think a ten year old should be having a bunch of household chores to be responsible for.  Kids should be allowed to be kids!  I don't mean they should have no chores at all.  My kids took out the trash and folded laundry and put clean dishes away.  But they shouldn't be cooking and cleaning and doing laundry.  They grow up fast enough, let them enjoy their "kid time".

The boyfriend/husband needs to realize the child is his as well as hers. Why he'd want to prioritize a fancy car for himself over providing for his child is puzzling.  Instead of coddling the boyfriend they have to work as a team to make sure the child gets her needs met and household tasks are taken care of.  Part of that is getting rid of money wasters like booze, expensive car payments and premium movie subscriptions.  

I think different families do it differently and I am aligned with what you wrote.  Similarly, I had a boyfriend whose parents told them when they were teenagers that they should not get paying jobs in like retail/fast food over the summer -the preference was that they either go to camp/work at a camp/do educational internships and/or go to those college summer programs for teenagers- that there was plenty of time to work for $.  It always stuck with me. 

My parents didn't make us get jobs but we both did once we could work -I was a dunkin donuts gal part time lol during high school, one summer I was a live-in mother's helper at a beach house, but other summers I did internships that did not pay but were excellent for my resume/getting into college, etc. 

But again it depends on the family. My sister only babysat for me a few times -again with the attitude that she shouldn't be burdened taking care of me.  She's 5 years older.

[Jaunty]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Yeah, I don't think a ten year old should be having a bunch of household chores to be responsible for.  Kids should be allowed to be kids! 

Especially when the household and family are functioning under considerable duress.  The 10 year old is certainly internalizing all of this.

[Cherylyn]

16 hours ago, Batya33 said:

My mom didn't let us do much and was and is a great housekeeper -very neat and tidy person - that was her way and we also had a monthly (maybe every two weeks?) cleaning person for the 2 bedroom apartment -he was very inexpensive because he loved to work -he was hearing impaired, couldn't speak properly and this kept him busy and we also fed him well when he came- he loved the big deli sandwiches and a beer we got him! - but he did the heavy duty cleaning/moving of furniture.

What I did at age 10 -some cooking, some baking, and also stayed out of my mom's hair because I was a bookworm and wrote and typed stories (1970s!)  -so I may not have had chores but I also didn't create work/need attention.  I had no siblings to take care of -one older sister.  

We had no large house or yard and the building had a maintenance staff.  My mom has lived there for 56 years now and the staff love her and can't do enough for her.  It's not a fancy place to live or fancy apartment and she loves it and it was a great way to grow up in the middle of a major city with so much diversity and culture.  Nothing like suburbs and for that I am personally thankful -but also meant that not a lot of driving -by age 11 I was riding public transit by myself.  No chauffering us around -mom didn't drive/didn't need to.  And with a small apartment much less cleaning and no upkeep needed.  

My mother needed help.  She worked full time, often times 3 jobs 7 days a week plus I tended to my younger siblings.  My mother is very clean but she couldn't do everything all by herself and my late father?  Forget it.  He never helped her because he was very chauvinistic.  

Housecleaning wasn't done in one fell swoop.  It was spread out over days and weeks.  I helped my mother cook but at age 10, I didn't do the actually from start to finish cooking by myself.  I assisted.

Maid service isn't cheap in my area.  Maids are able bodied, not disabled and it is pricey.  Many of my friends have partial maid service such as every other week and certain tasks are on rotation.  Licensed and bonded housecleaning services cost more but then again, there's protection for the consumer going this route. 

I grew up in the suburbs and only lived in an apartment during the first few years of my marriage.  Then it was onto a condominium, several starter houses, more moves up to our current house in a residential suburb.  It's definitely more upkeep but I enjoy having my own land, a lot of space between neighbors, no shared walls, no elevators with other tenants and privacy.  I have the best of both worlds with not being far away from diversity and culture.  It's quiet where I am.  There are no car noises nor other forms of transportation such as trains, subways, freeways, highways nor flight paths. 

There is chauffeuring around with my SUV (and childhood station wagon) but it's the norm and fortunately, not often.  We warehouse shop at Costco, stock up, grocery store is nearby, shopping is conveniently close and it's a way of life. 

Life was rough in the beginning but my circumstances groomed me to handle life better during adulthood.  I was prepared because I toughened up quickly.  I noticed this difference when I attended my HS reunion years ago.  My former classmates who grew up rather spoiled and too comfortably had high divorce rates and many of them didn't fare well with jobs.  I had to claw my way to where I am in life and it's been very rewarding.  

I am different than my siblings though.  They tend to be lazy.  My younger sister was coddled and it shows.  I am the more responsible, thorough type because my mother taught me well.  I run a tight ship with my own household.  My husband is the same.  His mother trained him well.  He helps me with anything. 

 

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Maids are able bodied, not disabled and it is pricey

I gave my example as how we did it in my family - he was able bodied to clean -big and strong man.  We loved him and he loved working with our family -would buy presents for me and my sister and proudly show my mom the loose change he found behind furniture he moved to vacuum.  When I had a cleaning service twice a month for 10 years pre covid in my apartment it was pricey and worth it.

I wrote many times families do it differently -if my parents had needed our help to clean or babysit or whatever we would have done it.  In the 1960s when my parents purchased their apartment my grandparents purchased one across the street so they could help us and they did as babysitters and just being awesome family members. We have no family to help as we relocated as newlyweds with a new baby for my husband's job 800 miles away.  Which is one reason it was great we both wanted me home the first 7 years. 

There are so many permutations between how people want to live (as I've written I know that for many reasons I would hate living in the suburbs or in a large house and I love visiting the suburbs and large houses). 

IMO the way the OP is living now is not sustainable because there are two parents both working and a child who's 10 but "only 10" for certain purposes.  Two parents who are not coordinating/working together in a sustainable way that is not good for the child, for the mom's health, for the upkeep of the home without way too much stress and sacrifice (IMO).  With all permutations ones that include parents who drink and use drugs as described here IMO do not fall within the normal range of "you do you -whatever works for your family".  

A former neighbor of mine had 3 kids under 6.  Two from her drug addicted ex who was in prison and a baby with her husband.  Husband had a good job and was very controlling.  My friend stayed home with kids plus baby in a small apartment.  I believe she cheated on him and he divorced her.  She was barely 30 at the time, he was in his 30s. 

She then slowly got addicted to opioids (I do not believe she was drinking or using when I knew her in person -this was about 8 years ago).  She had to move out of our building, he did too and met and married another woman.  Because of her drug use he got full custody of their son -barely 2 years old at the time. 

From what I could see on FB -and from her private messages to me back then - her mom then got custody of the other two kids hundreds of miles away.  It was a sad downward spiral -she lacked marketable skills and obviously with the drug issue.... she went to jail for some drug relate charge for awhile then got out. I lost touch with her (I gave her a little $ at one point).  It's really scary how fast this spiral can happen -she was a smart, attractive, educated, sweet woman who made some bad choices that then escalated.  It can happen so fast. Please be careful OP.

[Cherylyn]

11 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I gave my example as how we did it in my family - he was able bodied to clean -big and strong man.  We loved him and he loved working with our family -would buy presents for me and my sister and proudly show my mom the loose change he found behind furniture he moved to vacuum.  When I had a cleaning service twice a month for 10 years pre covid in my apartment it was pricey and worth it.

I wrote many times families do it differently -if my parents had needed our help to clean or babysit or whatever we would have done it.  In the 1960s when my parents purchased their apartment my grandparents purchased one across the street so they could help us and they did as babysitters and just being awesome family members. We have no family to help as we relocated as newlyweds with a new baby for my husband's job 800 miles away.  Which is one reason it was great we both wanted me home the first 7 years. 

There are so many permutations between how people want to live (as I've written I know that for many reasons I would hate living in the suburbs or in a large house and I love visiting the suburbs and large houses). 

IMO the way the OP is living now is not sustainable because there are two parents both working and a child who's 10 but "only 10" for certain purposes.  Two parents who are not coordinating/working together in a sustainable way that is not good for the child, for the mom's health, for the upkeep of the home without way too much stress and sacrifice (IMO).  With all permutations ones that include parents who drink and use drugs as described here IMO do not fall within the normal range of "you do you -whatever works for your family".  

A former neighbor of mine had 3 kids under 6.  Two from her drug addicted ex who was in prison and a baby with her husband.  Husband had a good job and was very controlling.  My friend stayed home with kids plus baby in a small apartment.  I believe she cheated on him and he divorced her.  She was barely 30 at the time, he was in his 30s. 

She then slowly got addicted to opioids (I do not believe she was drinking or using when I knew her in person -this was about 8 years ago).  She had to move out of our building, he did too and met and married another woman.  Because of her drug use he got full custody of their son -barely 2 years old at the time. 

From what I could see on FB -and from her private messages to me back then - her mom then got custody of the other two kids hundreds of miles away.  It was a sad downward spiral -she lacked marketable skills and obviously with the drug issue.... she went to jail for some drug relate charge for awhile then got out. I lost touch with her (I gave her a little $ at one point).  It's really scary how fast this spiral can happen -she was a smart, attractive, educated, sweet woman who made some bad choices that then escalated.  It can happen so fast. Please be careful OP.

Paying for an inexpensive disabled maid isn't as expensive as hiring company type professional housecleaning services who are licensed, bonded and insured because paying benefits is expensive.  Granted, we don't feed maids meals, offer free beverages nor liquor but we pay for their benefits and our legal protections.  However, I wish I can find a disabled, inexpensive maid.  I too would offer free meals and beverages if I could. 

With my situation, I had no choice.  I helped my mother because it was survival mode and even though it wasn't "fun" doing chores, in hindsight, I'm glad my beginnings were atypical and rough.  I was better prepared for life and independence earlier than my peers.  In society, all around me, I've discovered a lot of adult whiners because they had it so easy where they came from.  Since my start wasn't smooth, I can handle anything thrown my way.  My skin is thicker than most. 

I was only a teenager when I worked graveyard shifts and enrolled in school by day.  My siblings are ditzy wimps.  They whine a lot.  They're helpless, lazy, cluttered, not neat, tidy nor organized.  As an aside,  whenever they test me, they're in for a rude awakening.  They don't understand the very hard road I've traveled and if need be, I show them a side to me which is steely.  They'll try to pull a fast one; only to be defeated every time courtesy of their big sister.  Hehe.  I'm underestimated until I drop an atomic bomb. 

I've had people try me sorely and because of my past, I'm not weak.  Having responsibilities as a child teaches a child how to swim in this world so nothing comes as a surprise nor shock.  I've had to grow up fast but I also matured faster, too so the adult world doesn't intimidate me.  I can thank my mother for this.

My best friend asked me recently:  Where do you get your toughness from?  I told her, "It's from my mother.  I grew up observing my gutsy mother.  It's in my blood."

Regarding my house and accumulated assets,  my husband and I never received help from family.  All prosperity was achieved the old-fashioned way:  By the sweat of our brow.  We toiled and reaped what we've sowed. 

As for the OP, since her husband is a deadbeat and doesn't help run the household machine, then the OP does it or enlists her daughter to help however possible.  Or, cut corners, budget wisely and hire a maid once in a while or whatever she can afford.  Do what is possible, burnout or the house will go to pot.

And yes, everyone is in the realm of "you do you, I do me" mentality because we can't control what other people do or how they live their lives.  It's the hard truth. 

There are sad circumstances even within my extended family yet I can't and won't "suggest" how they live their lives or tell them how to conduct their households.  I don't agree with how they live but whom am I to say?  I could "recommend" but I choose not to interfere.  If they live the way they do, it's their right.  I've got nothing to do with it.  Hence, yes indeed:  You do you and I'll do me all the way. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Cherylyn said:

Paying for an inexpensive disabled maid isn't as expensive as hiring company type professional housecleaning services who are licensed, bonded and insured because paying benefits are expensive.

As I wrote this was when I was a child in the 70s.  We didn't think of him as a "disabled cleaning person" -we thought of him as his first name (I don't know if I knew his last name!).  It was a great arrangement and mutually beneficial.  As I wrote, in my own family, we hired a professional cleaning service twice a month for ten years.  Stopped when covid hit.  Have not yet resumed.  

As I also wrote above I understand why you and I had different experiences in what we did to help around the house as kids - I wrote that there are so many permutations of family situations and arrangements.  I think there are many ways children can learn responsibility and resilience and only one way is helping with housekeeping.  I'm sorry you had struggles growing up as you described.  As did we just different.  

I am particularly concerned about the alcohol and drug use in the OP's household - the other stuff is related most likely -symptoms of the bigger problem - and yes I feel comfortable advising her as I did with respect to the alcohol and drug use.  As far as the division of labor and what her child is tasked with or otherwise certainly I defer to her decisions parenting.  And it's hard to make good decisions about parenting, childcare, housekeeping if you become reliant on shots of vodka and drugs which it looks like she is on a path to.  And that worries me for her and her daughter too.

[Cherylyn]

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

As I wrote this was when I was a child in the 70s.  We didn't think of him as a "disabled cleaning person" -we thought of him as his first name (I don't know if I knew his last name!).  It was a great arrangement and mutually beneficial.  As I wrote, in my own family, we hired a professional cleaning service twice a month for ten years.  Stopped when covid hit.  Have not yet resumed.  

As I also wrote above I understand why you and I had different experiences in what we did to help around the house as kids - I wrote that there are so many permutations of family situations and arrangements.  I think there are many ways children can learn responsibility and resilience and only one way is helping with housekeeping.  I'm sorry you had struggles growing up as you described.  As did we just different.  

I am particularly concerned about the alcohol and drug use in the OP's household - the other stuff is related most likely -symptoms of the bigger problem - and yes I feel comfortable advising her as I did with respect to the alcohol and drug use.  As far as the division of labor and what her child is tasked with or otherwise certainly I defer to her decisions parenting.  And it's hard to make good decisions about parenting, childcare, housekeeping if you become reliant on shots of vodka and drugs which it looks like she is on a path to.  And that worries me for her and her daughter too.

Hiring a disabled maid is cheap compared to hiring a bonded, licensed and insured housecleaning service.  Unfortunately, just like buying cheap products from third world countries, it's the disabled, downtrodden or peasant class who are vulnerable to oppressed low wages or less than the going rate.  Cheaper labor is more affordable.  For the same shirt, I would pay double, triple or quadruple the price if sewed in the USA compared to buying the same shirt sewed in a sweat shop third world country.  It's the consumer who commands,  "I'm willing to pay 'X' amount of dollars and not a penny more." 

I've shopped around for maids both fully bonded, licensed and insured vs. maids in my neighborhood who are paid cash under the table, tax free.  They're much cheaper because they're not bonded, licensed nor insured but there is an agreement between homeowner and maid.  "Don't ask, don't tell" is the unspoken code.  Same with gardeners and construction journeymen who either don't speak English or willing to work for less money according to the pact.  Many of them are again, paid under the table, tax free and cheap!  Both parties take advantage of huge cost savings and it's definitely mutually beneficial.  It's an agreement. 

OP will figure out what to do.  It's her life. 

I agree, housecleaning is nothing compared to other hardships in one's background.  Working graveyard as a teenager, tolerating despicable misogynistic colleagues, bosses, working alongside cruel colleagues in order to earn a dollar and enduring so many mean people in my life was a hard row to hoe.  Sometimes, I feel bitter and resentful that life felt so unfair.  However, in hindsight, I'm actually grateful otherwise I wouldn't have the mindset I have to day.  If my life were cushy, I'd cave more, acquiesce all the time and would've become a habitual doormat.   With a cushy background, I wouldn't use my brain to be shrewd especially against some immediate people in my midst (relatives / in-laws).  Having a rough life prepared me piercingly well.  Bring it on.

[Batya33]

32 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

 

LOL Never mind.  OP -I decided not to respond to this post after all as it wouldn't contribute to helping you and it was personally hurtful to me given what I'd written above.  I hope it does show you how different people treat household needs differently of course and I don't wish to go off topic for your benefit despite what I see as some rather unpleasant and concerning words about a person who was special to me and my family in the 1970s.  I hope you are motivated to do what works for your specific situation and family and i hope you feel much better.

[Cherylyn]

@Batya33Cheap labor, affordable labor, it's all the same.  I agree, it was great of you or your family to hire a disabled person because they are at a disadvantage and have difficulties finding productive work. 

It is unfortunate that those who are immigrants, haven't mastered English, disabled or any of them have to accept wages less than those with full, expensive benefits.  My ancestors from several generations back were the same.  They were hard working and earned an honest living.  Unfortunately, they had to take what they could get as beggars can't be choosers.  <= That's an idiom btw.  It's not politically correct to say but both parties exploit or aka (also known as) take advantage of each other.  The one doing the hiring enjoys shelling out less money for the same work they would otherwise pay another person at a higher price.  The person earning less than a fully bonded, insured and licensed employee is willing to earn less because their income is usually unreported, they're paid under the table tax free.  There is nothing wrong with it as long as it's their pact.  I pay taxes but if they don't pay taxes, it's the way it goes.  It's their mutual arrangement.

OP will figure out how to run her household without her husband's help.  Hopefully, her daughter will help and if it's not enough, she will figure out a way. 

[boltnrun]

How did this thread devolve into a lesson on not taking advantage of undocumented, non English speaking or disabled workers? I searched and didn't see anywhere that the OP was even planning to hire a house cleaner let alone a disabled or non English speaking immigrant so she could pay them substandard wages. That's a real stretch IMO. 

I hope this off topic discussion didn't run her off. I've seen it happen before. 

TeeBell, I hope you're able to  talk to your doctor and get to a place where your health is better. I hope you and your boyfriend can work together to resolve your issues. 

[Cherylyn]

@TeeBellYou have suggestions:  Either train your husband, have a "mother's helper" aka (also known as) your daughter doing age appropriate chores, hire a part-time maid or tolerate, endure and don't complain while you run yourself haggard doing everything to sustain the household by yourself.