Relationship advice, not sure to continue on?

[Geroge Bensen]

Been dating my GF for 3 years now, I am M she is F. Maybe I have answered my own question but I was wondering if anyone else has experienced anything similar and if they over come it or broke up?

So our relationship has been up and down, mainly due to her insecurities and personal issues which made dating hard when we first got together. We have similarities in what we do: gym, music, films/tv, places we like to go/eat which is what held us together BUT I can't help think that there are better options for me. Recently, I started to not find her sexually attractive, I find it hard to think of her in that way and when she touches me, I feel like it's a friend even when we have sex it feels like I am forcing my self to preform. 

I do love her, when we've had a break I miss her a-lot, but I think more as a friend not as a desired partner. I get attention from other girls when I am out, or at work and can't help but feel attracted to other females, it's like I need that excitement as well. My GF is kinky she will dress up etc and I can find her attractive, but I don't know if it will pass or this is just how our relationship will be now. For the people that have been in longer term relationships is this normal? Can it pass? Or once you see the person in this way is it hard to come back from? It has been this was for a while now, I can't see a long term future living like this as I want to want to jump my partners bones as I have a high sex drive, I want to find them super attractive like I do other females but not sure if this just happens after a while?

Any advice is much appreciated 
George 

 

[justplainme]

in my marriage i had this feeling a few times and just did not find her attractive and i loved her but knew i was not in love with her and it got to a stage where i tried and tried but i could not change what i felt as she was not a romantic woman or showed affections, i was married to her for 20 years but in the end i knew i was not happy and i ended the marriage in ways it was the best thing i have done and also the worst because sometimes i wish i worked on it but when you get attention elsewhere its hard but the grass is not always greener. i would suggest that you speak with her and maybe get relationship counseling if thats an option but you have to do whats right for you in the end

[Batya33]

As with your other post on same topic yes please do let her go and stop wasting both your time.

[Geroge Bensen]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

As with your other post on same topic yes please do let her go and stop wasting both your time.

LOL I don't get some peoples response, I want more information and see other peoples point of view 'just let her go' the world would be a better place

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately you describe the relationship as "rocky". Do you live together?

You've been dating 3 years and already you're checked out. It's not fair to either of you to drag things out.

[Geroge Bensen]

6 minutes ago, justplainme said:

in my marriage i had this feeling a few times and just did not find her attractive and i loved her but knew i was not in love with her and it got to a stage where i tried and tried but i could not change what i felt as she was not a romantic woman or showed affections, i was married to her for 20 years but in the end i knew i was not happy and i ended the marriage in ways it was the best thing i have done and also the worst because sometimes i wish i worked on it but when you get attention elsewhere its hard but the grass is not always greener. i would suggest that you speak with her and maybe get relationship counseling if thats an option but you have to do whats right for you in the end

She has mentioned getting counselling but to be honest a 3 year relationship shouldn't need counselling in my opinion, you like who you like, if you go off some one then maybe that's the end of it. BUT I know how it feels when you love some one but your not in-love with them, so its hard.

[Geroge Bensen]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately you describe the relationship as "rocky". Do you live together?

You've been dating 3 years and already you're checked out. It's not fair to either of you to drag things out.

We stay together as she has her own place but not all the time. Yes rocky as in I don't know what to expect from her, we could go out and she makes a fuss about some thing or doesn't like something when I am easy going and am happy in any situation. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Geroge Bensen said:

LOL I don't get some peoples response, I want more information and see other peoples point of view 'just let her go' the world would be a better place

Remember that line "you had me at hello" from Jerry Maguire? You had me at - I am thinking of other women I could be with/date -and telling yourself lies like "I can't help but be attracted to other women" -I mean -of course no one can control their feelings and my marriage vows didn't require me to do so -of course I've noticed attractive men throughout my marriage and before - and I even had a sort of celebrity crush on a local radio personality for a few years. 

Difference is I have no problem not being blind/noticing attractive men/having a harmless crush and NOT wanting to act on it and not acting on it and not wondering if "grass is greener" - because I'm happy in my marriage, I'm secure in my choice of him and when I took my vows it was magical and also natural feeling. 

I didn't fight with myself and rationalize "well I'm human and she's good enough and I mean I wonder what it would be like with other women but oh gee I can't help my feelings and I miss her when she's gone but you know I could replace her with someone better but she's here now and she loves me so okkkkk I might as well marry her......"

Stop lying to yourself and her -find someone where you're excited to marry the person and can notice attractive people and not have to twist yourself in a pretzel as you feel rocked to the core with doubts about whether there's someone better out there. 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Geroge Bensen said:

We stay together as she has her own place but not all the time. 

Do you live together as a couple? If she's complaining a lot and you're daydreaming about an escape it doesn't seem like either of you are happy. While it's easier to coast along, it's doubtful this is just a phase and things will improve without major changes.

[Geroge Bensen]

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you live together as a couple? If she's complaining a lot and you're daydreaming about an escape it doesn't seem like either of you are happy. While it's easier to coast along, it's doubtful this is just a phase and things will improve without major changes.

We dont live together just sleep overs, its her personality to be like that, shes up tight and picky when im relaxed and chilled. 

[Kwothe28]

According to Sternberg there are 3 components of love(passion, intimacy and commitment) and based on that 8 types of love. Yours is "Empty Love". You dont feel passion toward her as its long gone, intimacy is probably not there either and even though you are commited as you are in a relationship, you are also wondering what else is out there and want to explore. Its sadly something that happens when it comes to long term relationships. And if you feel you dont feel like you are with the partner but only with a friend, and feel that you can do better, you need to let other person go and try that. She deserves to find somebody that would indeed love her as a partner, and so do you.

[Batya33]

You say you’re happy in any situation but you’re not. You’re not happy in this situation because you’re regularly having grass is greener thoughts and feeling doubtful about staying since you believe there might be someone better out there. That’s not too chill is it ?

today there was an FB post by a 50 something woman who married a couple of months before me many years ago.   She was telling “us” she is so thrilled she didn’t settle for her wonderful husband (particularly wonderful because now she has to commute 2 hours each way regularly and he rises at 5 to help with the kids and works full time ). 
here’s the back story. Over 15 years ago his wife died. He loved her so.  She was one of my my best friends and cousin. He wasn’t sure he ever wanted to marry again and was in his early 30s no kids.  He started dating about a year later.  I remember him being “meh” about certain of the women until he met his future wife. At a singles event. 
after the second date he called me “I really like her. I want to send flowers to her office - which florist do you recommend?”  He ended up calling the fanciest hotel in the city and begging them to tell him which florist they used and he used it. 
He’d been through hell taking care of my cousin who was terminally ill when they married.  For two years he was her hero. And yet when he met the right person over a year after she died he wasn’t too scared to try again. He didn’t wonder if the grass was greener.  
His wife - is attractive and smart and successful and a great mom and loves him. But she’s no model (and wouldn’t call herself one) and she’s not chill lol - she’s pretty driven !- he is very chill by comparison.  But they fit.
They wanted to be together. She did not settle but almost had in the past and she posted today to remind herself and everyone else how awful it is to settle and how worth it  was to wait. I waited too.

I risked never having a biological child by not settling. There were several opportunities to marry Mr Right on Paper but I’d have been settling. No guarantees of finding the right person but it’s never an excuse to settle IMHO. 

[Geroge Bensen]

12 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You say you’re happy in any situation but you’re not. You’re not happy in this situation because you’re regularly having grass is greener thoughts and feeling doubtful about staying since you believe there might be someone better out there. That’s not too chill is it ?

today there was an FB post by a 50 something woman who married a couple of months before me many years ago.   She was telling “us” she is so thrilled she didn’t settle for her wonderful husband (particularly wonderful because now she has to commute 2 hours each way regularly and he rises at 5 to help with the kids and works full time ). 
here’s the back story. Over 15 years ago his wife died. He loved her so.  She was one of my my best friends and cousin. He wasn’t sure he ever wanted to marry again and was in his early 30s no kids.  He started dating about a year later.  I remember him being “meh” about certain of the women until he met his future wife. At a singles event. 
after the second date he called me “I really like her. I want to send flowers to her office - which florist do you recommend?”  He ended up calling the fanciest hotel in the city and begging them to tell him which florist they used and he used it. 
He’d been through hell taking care of my cousin who was terminally ill when they married.  For two years he was her hero. And yet when he met the right person over a year after she died he wasn’t too scared to try again. He didn’t wonder if the grass was greener.  
His wife - is attractive and smart and successful and a great mom and loves him. But she’s no model (and wouldn’t call herself one) and she’s not chill lol - she’s pretty driven !- he is very chill by comparison.  But they fit.
They wanted to be together. She did not settle but almost had in the past and she posted today to remind herself and everyone else how awful it is to settle and how worth it  was to wait. I waited too.

I risked never having a biological child by not settling. There were several opportunities to marry Mr Right on Paper but I’d have been settling. No guarantees of finding the right person but it’s never an excuse to settle IMHO. 

That is very true and thank you for sharing, I know a-lot of people will settle. I am chilled in diff ways, as in: if my food is late I won't ruin the evening, if it rains it won't ruin my mood and if they run out of my fav dessert I won't complain and on the flip side I am extremely driven and unlike my friends who wont just settle and why I have this feeling BUT I have not been in a long term relationship so this is confusing to me and I feel like I can find a better spouse for sure.

[Days and Confused]

Grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, but the same thing will happen if you decide to change pastures.

It's normal, for the fireworks to fade when you settle into a comfortable relationship.  It's up to both of you to keep the sparks alive! and it sounds like she is doing her part by dresssing up.

You love her, so fall in love with her again and do all those special things you use to do at the begining of the relationship.

If you're good looking, you're gping to get attention from others, but theres a big diference between flirting and wanting to have a realationship with you...

You have a relationship now, work on it.

[1a1a]

Can you imagine yourself back to the first kiss the next time she kisses you? How did that first kiss make you feel? Remember that feeling 

[Sihana]

It all comes down to wether the relationship makes you happy or not.

[Geroge Bensen]

16 minutes ago, Days and Confused said:

Grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, but the same thing will happen if you decide to change pastures.

It's normal, for the fireworks to fade when you settle into a comfortable relationship.  It's up to both of you to keep the sparks alive! and it sounds like she is doing her part by dresssing up.

You love her, so fall in love with her again and do all those special things you use to do at the begining of the relationship.

If you're good looking, you're gping to get attention from others, but theres a big diference between flirting and wanting to have a realationship with you...

You have a relationship now, work on it.

Yes but there are also things she does to put me off of her that out weigh the efforts to try and spice things up, maybe your taste can change over time to and you desire different things and the person your with no longer fits the criteria, even if they try.
I have tried to work on things but it does seem to lead back to the same situation which is not feeling to good about things, its ok sometimes but then thinking about a holiday or planning to buy a property etc thats where it gets murky and I am worried.

[Geroge Bensen]

1 minute ago, Sihana said:

It all comes down to wether the relationship makes you happy or not.

There are happy times but there has also been alot of un-happy times, in the beginning the relationship wasn't good but did get better BUT the memories of the un-happy times do haunt the present.

[Sihana]

4 minutes ago, Geroge Bensen said:

There are happy times but there has also been alot of un-happy times, in the beginning the relationship wasn't good but did get better BUT the memories of the un-happy times do haunt the present.

I mean, are you happy right now?

 

 

[Geroge Bensen]

1 minute ago, Sihana said:

I mean, are you happy right now?

 

 

I would say I am happy but confused. 

[smackie9]

All you are doing is avoiding change...change in your life, scared of the unknown, fear of being alone. But assure you, adapting to life without her is doable. The process can be hard, but at the end, it's rewarding to have a fresh start. You are totally missing out, and this relationship is holing you back. 

[bluecastle]

Sorry about the confusing feelings. 

Can I ask how old you are? Curious for a bit of context. All in all, and echoing others, it seems that you are being driven primarily by a fear of change rather than by love for and faith in your partner. In addition to the loss of attraction—and likely related—it really doesn't sound like you respect her all that much as person.

The early years were difficult, in your mind, because of her. Just as the ups and downs, as you see them, are mainly rooted in her insecurities. To say nothing of the imbalance of how you are easygoing while she is an unpredictable fuss. If that's how you see things—and, hey, even if all that is hard fact—then you really have to ask yourself the tough question. Namely: What are you getting from all of the above? 

That may sound harsh, but I don't mean it that way. Have been in versions of your shoes, as have many. From my own experience, I think it's pretty normal that sexual juju waxes and wanes here and there over the course of a relationship, but, generally speaking, once respect starts waning? Well, then you're really in the danger zone, and perhaps beginning to see that something critical wasn't there from the start.  

 

 

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[SooSad33]

6 hours ago, Geroge Bensen said:

Recently, I started to not find her sexually attractive, I find it hard to think of her in that way and when she touches me, I feel like it's a friend even when we have sex it feels like I am forcing my self to preform. 

I do love her, when we've had a break I miss her a-lot, but I think more as a friend not as a desired partner.

I get attention from other girls when I am out, or at work and can't help but feel attracted to other females, it's like I need that excitement as well. My GF is kinky she will dress up etc and I can find her attractive, but I don't know if it will pass or this is just how our relationship will be now. For the people that have been in longer term relationships is this normal? Can it pass? Or once you see the person in this way is it hard to come back from? It has been this was for a while now,

I can't see a long term future living like this as I want to want to jump my partners bones as I have a high sex drive, I want to find them super attractive like I do other females but not sure if this just happens after a while?

I underlined the main points....

Of course it'll hurt a bit in the beginning when you end it.  But, why drag it on any longer? You've obviously fallen out of love with her.

You do NOT see her as long term and nowadays, more as a 'friend'.  That says enough.. right?

Real love is deep.  You yearn for that person no matter what.  You want to be around them and it just feels right for you.

It is wrong to continue to string her along when you know inside, this isn't for you.

Like I said, it'll be hard for a while, as you wean yourself off her and work on accepting it's done.  Yeah, that takes a little while, as you've grown used to each other and was for 3 yrs.

So, when you do go there, you be honest and then just be done - with all of it.  Don't offer to be 'her friend'.  Don't agree to continue any interactions.. don't agree to have any connections at all. It's so you can both work on accepting, healing & moving on in a healthy manner.

And is best you be single for a good while.  Don't go jumping into something too fast.  Or you be rebounding.  That's not fair at all on anyone.

You move on and begin dating again when you know you're truly over this one.

 

[WalterSobcha]

6 hours ago, Geroge Bensen said:

She has mentioned getting counselling but to be honest a 3 year relationship shouldn't need counselling in my opinion

I disagree with this. If you're committed to the relationship and think it could benefit from counselling, why not do it? And three years together is not nothing.