Relationship advice, not sure to continue on?

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Betterwithout said:

I think maturity plays a role in consciously "un-wiring" things.  With this type of scenario and others.
I have done a lot of un-wiring myself in terms of the way I was raised and things I have learned a long the way.  I believe that un-wiring is a large part of therapy for many individuals especially for those marginalized in society.   

Great discussion here.

Batya33:  it is great that you have a well matched partner.  You are one of the lucky ones.

 

I don't.  I think it's about finding the right person.  My mom and dad met as teenagers, so did my high school best friend and her partner and my friend's daughter the same (and they married in 2013) - no grass is greener and for sure they were "mature" for their age but not "mature" like that. I do feel lucky and also worked extremely hard for years at dating and becoming the right person to find the right person.  Totally worth it.

[Betterwithout]

9 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Though their is always a risk

Many big life decisions are risks which need to be explored with courage.  "Take the risk or suffer the what if".  
I know of many who took the GIG approach and fell flat on their face, but they understood the risk and moved on ultimately.

[bluecastle]

I'm finding it hard to square this sentiment...

8 hours ago, Geroge Bensen said:

I never think like I am on the high ground

With this...

4 hours ago, Geroge Bensen said:

but I do know she had more to learn coming out of another relationship and how to be appropriate

And especially this...

1 hour ago, Geroge Bensen said:

I think she knows I am a good catch for her and think's she wouldn't meet a 'better' person to be honest.

At some point you were attracted to the qualities you are now frustrated with: the anxiety, the insecurity, the lack of "learning." It's hard, I admit, not to see some of that attraction coming from what it offers, or once offered, you: validation that you were the more learned one, the more appropriate one, the good catch.

I would challenge yourself to explore all that, in some capacity, so as you move forward you're doing so with a different compass. Might be as simple as you've grown into a different shape, and needed these years to better understand what makes the right match for you—someone you don't feel needs to learn, perhaps, but who challenges you to keep growing just by being who she is. 

 

 

[Betterwithout]

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I don't.  I think it's about finding the right person.  My mom and dad met as teenagers, so did my high school best friend and her partner and my friend's daughter the same (and they married in 2013) - no grass is greener and for sure they were "mature" for their age but not "mature" like that. I do feel lucky and also worked extremely hard for years at dating and becoming the right person to find the right person.  Totally worth it.

I am a very practical person, and I think there are several soulmates and super compatible people for each of us but believe fate plays a role in us finding that person.
My parents met as teenagers too, happily married for 54 years, but maybe it was because they were the "right person"  and found each other to be the right person.  I consider them fortunate.  My Mom's sister and brother both got divorced, and they used to all hang out together.
Fate (right place, right time) also plays a role along with self-awareness and working hard at becoming the right person.

 

[boltnrun]

My brother claims to want a woman with whom he can have intellectual, challenging conversations about politics, science, sociological topics and sports. He loves programs about history, science, sports and inventions.  He consistently chooses women whose favorite TV show is the Real Housewives and who don't know the names of elected officials and who don't pay attention to topics like the climate or sports. So I have to conclude he doesn't really want an "intellectual" woman or one who shares his interests. He tends to choose them for their looks and then mirrors them when it comes to activities they get involved in and even how he dresses. 

What was it about this woman that attracted you initially? Do you still find those attributes ones you want in a partner? 

[Batya33]

24 minutes ago, Betterwithout said:

I am a very practical person, and I think there are several soulmates and super compatible people for each of us but believe fate plays a role in us finding that person.
My parents met as teenagers too, happily married for 54 years, but maybe it was because they were the "right person"  and found each other to be the right person.  I consider them fortunate.  My Mom's sister and brother both got divorced, and they used to all hang out together.
Fate (right place, right time) also plays a role along with self-awareness and working hard at becoming the right person.

 

Yes I agree it's part luck and timing and agree there can be more than one right person of course. I think that if your'e with a person and wondering if there is a more right person you are not with one of the right matches for you.  

For me the timing was due to me being brave enough to walk away from my LTR 5 months before my ex fiancee from almost 8 years earlier (not the ex boyfriend I walked away from) contacted me for a catch up dinner because he was in town.  Had I not been brave enough to walk away I'd have met him for a platonic lunch but that would have been it.  Luck in that we were supposed to be long distance but because of an external circumstance instead of being long distance right away we were able to date locally for the first 6 months -then were long distance for the next 2 years on and off.  That I think helped us get to know each other again.  

I had one former close friend insist it was just that I was lucky to find a husband -she is and was unhappily single, with her boyfriend for 30 years now who never got around to marrying her or having a child with her.  I didn't like that mindset that it was "all" luck.  It's simply not true for me.

[Betterwithout]

12 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I didn't like that mindset that it was "all" luck.

I agree Batya, it's never all luck.  Life doesn't work that way.   There are bigger factors at play especially knowing who you are and what you want in a partner.  It is great to hear you are happy 😃

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, Betterwithout said:

I agree Batya, it's never all luck.  Life doesn't work that way.   There are bigger factors at play especially knowing who you are and what you want in a partner.  It is great to hear you are happy 😃

Yes -it is not bliss all the time for sure but that's never ever what I expected.  After so many near misses with settling and being the Runaway Bride maybe I appreciate what I have even more.

[boltnrun]

A successful relationship also requires effort and a conscious choice and desire to be in the relationship. Both parties have to be completely committed and have a common goal to be together in a loving way. And there must be mutual respect. Love is not possible without respect. 

I could have done more things to try to make my marriage work. But in my case it would have involved stifling a big part of who I was. I am social. I enjoy friends and extended family. I enjoy experiences with my "nuclear" family as well as with extended family and friends. My husband wanted it to be the three of us, him, me and our child. No one else. That was our major irreconcilable difference. He also was of the mindset that women are overly emotional and they spend money recklessly, requiring a firm hand. I had enough life experience to know I was a responsible and logical person who didn't need strict guidance in my daily life from my husband. Another irreconcilable difference. 

So even though I cared for him as a person and as my child's father, and even though I firmly believe he's a good man, we were not right for one another. And that is why I chose to end the marriage after 14 years. I hope he's happy and healthy (he's had two bouts with cancer and I sincerely hope he is in permanent remission), but we do not belong together. 

[Kwothe28]

3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

My brother claims to want a woman with whom he can have intellectual, challenging conversations about politics, science, sociological topics and sports. He loves programs about history, science, sports and inventions.  He consistently chooses women whose favorite TV show is the Real Housewives and who don't know the names of elected officials and who don't pay attention to topics like the climate or sports. So I have to conclude he doesn't really want an "intellectual" woman or one who shares his interests. He tends to choose them for their looks and then mirrors them when it comes to activities they get involved in and even how he dresses. 

 

Reminds me on a famous joke:

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what she does with the money.

The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he married the one with the largest breasts.

[Geroge Bensen]

On 1/11/2023 at 5:27 PM, bluecastle said:

I'm finding it hard to square this sentiment...

With this...

And especially this...

At some point you were attracted to the qualities you are now frustrated with: the anxiety, the insecurity, the lack of "learning." It's hard, I admit, not to see some of that attraction coming from what it offers, or once offered, you: validation that you were the more learned one, the more appropriate one, the good catch.

I would challenge yourself to explore all that, in some capacity, so as you move forward you're doing so with a different compass. Might be as simple as you've grown into a different shape, and needed these years to better understand what makes the right match for you—someone you don't feel needs to learn, perhaps, but who challenges you to keep growing just by being who she is. 

 

 

Yes exactly, it is hard as I do know I love her but I am not in love with her. She can be caring, kind and we can have fun but deep down I know this isn't what I want for ever.

[justplainme]

27 minutes ago, Geroge Bensen said:

deep down I know this isn't what I want for ever.

then you have to do the hardest thing and move on trust me i have been dating someone which is everything i want and need in my life but she just is not into me as much as i am to her but i have to walk away and will be doing that next week it will be an emotional rollercoaster but you have to do whats right for you and you alone, with my exwife i found it all went downhill the moment i just loved her and was no longer in love with her and that took me 6 years to finally set myself free and as hard as it is it is also the best thing i ever did so good luck to you and remember to take care of yourself 

[Tinydance]

31 minutes ago, Geroge Bensen said:

Yes exactly, it is hard as I do know I love her but I am not in love with her. She can be caring, kind and we can have fun but deep down I know this isn't what I want for ever.

Well in that case I think you've answered your own question!

[Geroge Bensen]

On 1/11/2023 at 6:40 PM, boltnrun said:

A successful relationship also requires effort and a conscious choice and desire to be in the relationship. Both parties have to be completely committed and have a common goal to be together in a loving way. And there must be mutual respect. Love is not possible without respect. 

I could have done more things to try to make my marriage work. But in my case it would have involved stifling a big part of who I was. I am social. I enjoy friends and extended family. I enjoy experiences with my "nuclear" family as well as with extended family and friends. My husband wanted it to be the three of us, him, me and our child. No one else. That was our major irreconcilable difference. He also was of the mindset that women are overly emotional and they spend money recklessly, requiring a firm hand. I had enough life experience to know I was a responsible and logical person who didn't need strict guidance in my daily life from my husband. Another irreconcilable difference. 

So even though I cared for him as a person and as my child's father, and even though I firmly believe he's a good man, we were not right for one another. And that is why I chose to end the marriage after 14 years. I hope he's happy and healthy (he's had two bouts with cancer and I sincerely hope he is in permanent remission), but we do not belong together. 

I agree, I think I have respect for her as a friend but not the deep respect as a lifetime partner, I question things in my head she does a-lot and this has been going on for a while which makes me loose the respect as a partner. I do feel like I stifle my personality being around her, not all the time but 50/50, I would not want to give anyone a firm hand in telling them what to do, I want to feel equal to my partner and not question there actions.
That is compatibility. 

[Batya33]

55 minutes ago, Geroge Bensen said:

I agree, I think I have respect for her as a friend but not the deep respect as a lifetime partner, I question things in my head she does a-lot and this has been going on for a while which makes me loose the respect as a partner. I do feel like I stifle my personality being around her, not all the time but 50/50, I would not want to give anyone a firm hand in telling them what to do, I want to feel equal to my partner and not question there actions.
That is compatibility. 

You don't have to go beyond -you don't see yourself marrying her. Never try to convince yourself to marry someone (I mean tht's obvious right?).  The rest is just backpedaling/and trying to find additional reasons to leave.  You don't need to question the compatibility part -it's all subsumed in "I'm not that into her".

It was so hard and sad to leave my 7 year on and off again serious boyfriend who was and is a great person who wanted to marry me and have a family with me.  I was 38.  I would have missed out on marrying the right person and having our son which is unimaginable. (and he married the right person in the same year I got married and they had a son - funny how life works).

[Geroge Bensen]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

You don't have to go beyond -you don't see yourself marrying her. Never try to convince yourself to marry someone (I mean that's obvious right?).  The rest is just backpedaling/and trying to find additional reasons to leave.  You don't need to question the compatibility part -it's all subsumed in "I'm not that into her".

It was so hard and sad to leave my 7 year on and off again serious boyfriend who was and is a great person who wanted to marry me and have a family with me.  I was 38.  I would have missed out on marrying the right person and having our son which is unimaginable. (and he married the right person in the same year I got married and they had a son - funny how life works).

I don't see my self marrying this person or settling to have children that wouldn't be right.
It is hard as this is my first long term relationship, feeling these feelings are new but make you grow as a person and cutting tie's with some one you share most of your life with is hard. 
I commend you for doing so and it payed off.

[boltnrun]

Most everything that's worth doing is "hard". 

Of course you could take the "easy" way out and stay with her, marry her, have children with her and be with her forever. Because, you know, that wouldn't be "hard".

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Geroge Bensen said:

I don't see my self marrying this person or settling to have children that wouldn't be right.
It is hard as this is my first long term relationship, feeling these feelings are new but make you grow as a person and cutting tie's with some one you share most of your life with is hard. 
I commend you for doing so and it payed off.

I promise it will be much harder if you marry the wrong person and subject an innocent child to that situation. 

[Geroge Bensen]

15 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I promise it will be much harder if you marry the wrong person and subject an innocent child to that situation. 

Yes agree, that would be much harder then to part ways when you can't take it anymore and be at an age where meeting some one will be much harder.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Geroge Bensen said:

Yes agree, that would be much harder then to part ways when you can't take it anymore and be at an age where meeting some one will be much harder.

Well not just that. The expenses and stress of a divorce and or partnership and imagine the effect on a child- and you would know you chose to settle and subject a child to an unstable situation. It wasn’t easy finding the right man in my late 30s. It wasn’t easy trying to conceive and being pregnant in my early 40s. But at least for me my professional goals didn’t come easy either. The opposite.  

[Betterwithout]

13 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Well not just that. The expenses and stress of a divorce and or partnership and imagine the effect on a child. 

I can speak to this, since I have been there, done that.
One bad side effect is that I have to see my ex wife every weekend.  If we had not kids together, I would never have to see her again!  I feel bad for my kids having two separate homes. 

[Betterwithout]

I just would like to build a little on my "rule of 3's"  found another one...

You are both in your early 30's, which for many, marks a transition period.
(sowed wild oats, established in careers, etc) and ready for the next big transition...
starting a family.
Since this is your first LTR, perhaps you are holding onto that firmly.
"if I break up, will I find another LTR that is better than what I have now."
"do I see her as a potentially good Mother"
"am I ready to be a parent, are we ready to be parents"
"is our sex live going to diminish further than it is now"
etc.

I would say you are at a very pivotal life changing moment which is difficult to navigate, which is why you came here seeking advice.
Many of us here have had real life experiences worth sharing, and they have their merits, but 
do you have other people you can confide to?  siblings, parents, friends, co-workers, etc?

[Batya33]

As a woman in her 30s (I started dating my future husband right around my 39th bday) I tended to get too much advice -including from family and close friends - to settle and stop being so picky/no one is perfect.  Also the equally unhelpful advice "you know when you know" and "when you least expect it" 

Thank goodness I didn't listen to it and act on the "just marry and learn to love him/settle" -but it was sure tempting.