Relationship advice, not sure to continue on?

[boltnrun]

8 minutes ago, WalterSobcha said:

If you're committed to the relationship

Everything he's written indicates he is NOT committed to the relationship. He's only still in it because he hasn't gotten the wherewithal together to leave. It's inertia, not love or commitment, that's keeping him there. 

[Batya33]

14 minutes ago, WalterSobcha said:

I disagree with this. If you're committed to the relationship and think it could benefit from counselling, why not do it? And three years together is not nothing.

Because he already has one foot out the door - the dream of someone else and that he could find another spouse who’s better fro him. They’re not engaged or married and have no kids. Counseling might confirm what he knows is true and stop him from rationalizing his temptation to settle so it might be helpful for that. 

[Geroge Bensen]

3 hours ago, bluecastle said:

Sorry about the confusing feelings. 

Can I ask how old you are? Curious for a bit of context. All in all, and echoing others, it seems that you are being driven primarily by a fear of change rather than by love for and faith in your partner. In addition to the loss of attraction—and likely related—it really doesn't sound like you respect her all that much as person.

The early years were difficult, in your mind, because of her. Just as the ups and downs, as you see them, are mainly rooted in her insecurities. To say nothing of the imbalance of how you are easygoing while she is an unpredictable fuss. If that's how you see things—and, hey, even if all that is hard fact—then you really have to ask yourself the tough question. Namely: What are you getting from all of the above? 

That may sound harsh, but I don't mean it that way. Have been in versions of your shoes, as have many. From my own experience, I think it's pretty normal that sexual juju waxes and wanes here and there over the course of a relationship, but, generally speaking, once respect starts waning? Well, then you're really in the danger zone, and perhaps beginning to see that something critical wasn't there from the start.  

 

 

I am 33 she is 35 and yes you are completely right. The respect has gone for many reasons, that is something I didn't think about, not sure I can gain that back from what has happened in the past which has also has added to it, to be honest I don't think I had a-lot of respect to begin with and now it's diminished more it has weighed heavy on my feelings.
She admits to her wrong doings and what I have said is fact but that doesn't change anything plus it's a path way for it to happened again. 

[MissCanuck]

This relationship has pretty clearly run its course. 

I have been in long-term relationships and while it's normal for the thrills to wane and things get a bit mundane, it's a bad sign when you plain don't find your partner attractive anymore. It appears this is a build-up of problems over time and the result is that you have grown apart and don't see her as a romantic partner anymore. 

That's okay, but you need to end it sooner rather than later. 

[bluecastle]

44 minutes ago, Geroge Bensen said:

to be honest I don't think I had a-lot of respect to begin with

This is something to reflect on with some humility—ideally once you free yourself, and her, to find a romance that's more fulfilling. 

Was it that the sexual chemistry was once so fuego that you didn't mind being with someone you didn't respect? Was it that your own under-explored insecurities led you to be attracted to someone around whom you could feel superior?

I'm just riffing here, but all in all it seems the big thing you'd lose, in losing this relationship, is the high-ground comfort of feeling like the easygoing one who hasn't committed the egregious wrongs. Which, once you zoom out, isn't actually very high ground, you know?

It seems you know this relationship has run its course. Acting on that knowledge is hard, but likely not as hard as jogging in place and hoping to end up somewhere new. 

 

 

[catfeeder]

If you were to read your post written from your GF instead of you, what would you advise her to do?

[Geroge Bensen]

11 hours ago, bluecastle said:

This is something to reflect on with some humility—ideally once you free yourself, and her, to find a romance that's more fulfilling. 

Was it that the sexual chemistry was once so fuego that you didn't mind being with someone you didn't respect? Was it that your own under-explored insecurities led you to be attracted to someone around whom you could feel superior?

I'm just riffing here, but all in all it seems the big thing you'd lose, in losing this relationship, is the high-ground comfort of feeling like the easygoing one who hasn't committed the egregious wrongs. Which, once you zoom out, isn't actually very high ground, you know?

It seems you know this relationship has run its course. Acting on that knowledge is hard, but likely not as hard as jogging in place and hoping to end up somewhere new. 

 

 

It was the sexual chemistry at first. I never think like I am on the high ground/have not done anything wrong, I think of her as my equal and give her every bit of a chance for us to be equals and not judge nor would I think I am superior in any relationship, I would like us to be on the same level always and respect that.

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Geroge Bensen said:

It was the sexual chemistry at first. I never think like I am on the high ground/have not done anything wrong, I think of her as my equal and give her every bit of a chance for us to be equals and not judge nor would I think I am superior in any relationship, I would like us to be on the same level always and respect that.

You are behaving appropriately and at some point you will be leading her on if she doesn't know you'd be settling for her if you married her.  It's lovely to treat a person as an equal whether friend or romantic partner - but if there's an expectation on her end that this relationship has a future including marriage you might be treating her daily as an equal but misleading her as far as future intentions.

I treated my wonderful on again off again ex as an equal -this came naturally- he is a person I held and hold in high esteem - over the on and off 7 years caused by my doubts -he wanted to marry me, I wasn't sure.  I'd miss him and come back, he'd take me back and it would be really good and then the doubts would resume. 

It was awful and yes I treated him with respect -except looking back it wasn't respecting the relationship because we obviously were not on the same wavelength as far as our future and although I was open and honest about my doubts and all out panic at times I likely should have walked away permanently a lot sooner.  We stayed in touch for about two years after we finally ended things.  5 months after we finally ended things I had an epiphany as to why we weren't the right match for marriage, for forever -and I even told him -it wasn't a "criticism" and he actually agreed -in a calm way. 

I am so thrilled I finally had the courage to walk away from this man I loved and respected and treated like an equal because we both met our right people and we each married in the same year and each had one child (we were both older and he ended up marrying a woman who was a bit older than him).  Thank goodness I didn't settle, didn't have him settle and freed each other to find our right people. 

I stopped being in touch with him once he met his future wife -I stepped aside in that way because I sensed from the time he met her (and told me via message) that she could be the one -didn't want to give the appearance even of being in contact- ironically his wife contacted me 6 months after they married and wanted to meet me -I'd never met her, didn't know of her, and she emailed me from her husband's email address.  So yes we saw each other one more time at the wife's request -a double date.  Life is strange that way but it worked out for the best.  

[wayneees]

You’ve mentioned a few times that somehow your confusion stems from what happened in the past? Was there cheating involved from her end? 
 

And have you had affairs or anything that affected her at the same time?

[Geroge Bensen]

3 minutes ago, wayneees said:

You’ve mentioned a few times that somehow your confusion stems from what happened in the past? Was there cheating involved from her end? 
 

And have you had affairs or anything that affected her at the same time?

There hasn't been cheating but insecurities from her end and learning how to be a GF.

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, Geroge Bensen said:

There hasn't been cheating but insecurities from her end and learning how to be a GF.

What did she have to learn? Did you have to learn how to be a boyfriend? Did you "teach" her how to be a girlfriend and while she was learning was this a turn on to you or a turn off?  Do you think you are learning now how to commit to someone for forever or do you think you already know how to -just that she isn't the one to whom you wish to commit?

[wayneees]

Have you in any way contributed to her insecurities? I.E  flirting or going behind her back? 
 

It looks like you think that the grass is greener on the other side. Since you’ve mentioned that you think you can find someone better than her if you guys split.
 

Moreso, it’s like you’re looking for an excuse to blame that the break up are the results of her insecurities and not because of you think you can find someone better. 

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, wayneees said:

Moreso, it’s like you’re looking for an excuse to blame that the break up are the results of her insecurities and not because of you think you can find someone better. 

Perhaps it is both. Insecurities can be a turn off and fuel the thoughts of someone "better".

[wayneees]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Perhaps it is both. Insecurities can be a turn off and fuel the thoughts of someone "better".

Agree, it can be a turn off but not a dealbreaker if he really love her. I think it’s more of he thinks that he can find better. 

[Geroge Bensen]

14 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

What did she have to learn? Did you have to learn how to be a boyfriend? Did you "teach" her how to be a girlfriend and while she was learning was this a turn on to you or a turn off?  Do you think you are learning now how to commit to someone for forever or do you think you already know how to -just that she isn't the one to whom you wish to commit?

Im not perfect either but I do know she had more to learn coming out of another relationship and how to be appropriate, it was bad timing, add bad anxiety on top of that along with over thinking etc
And yes, it comes down to looking at your spouse thinking you want the best for you and her. You want a woman who can take care of children etc

[Geroge Bensen]

13 minutes ago, wayneees said:

Have you in any way contributed to her insecurities? I.E  flirting or going behind her back? 
 

It looks like you think that the grass is greener on the other side. Since you’ve mentioned that you think you can find someone better than her if you guys split.
 

Moreso, it’s like you’re looking for an excuse to blame that the break up are the results of her insecurities and not because of you think you can find someone better. 

No her insecurities were buried deep from childhood and past, im not looking for an excuse im looking at the realistic possibilities of the future.

[Tinydance]

I'm not sure I can give advice in regards to long term relationships. I've been in a few serious relationships but they were all only about two years long. So I guess maybe I didn't actually have time to get "bored" with them lol My thoughts on your situation is, it depends how long you haven't been finding your girlfriend physically or sexually attractive. Some of my friends in very long term relationships did say that the relationship can get a bit stale after a while. But they didn't say that they didn't love their partner or felt nothing towards them physically. My perception of long term relationships is yeah the passion might dwindle and maybe won't feel the butterflies and fireworks anymore. But you still know you love that person and you do feel sexually attracted to them. When you have sex with them you don't just feel nothing or feel like you're just with a friend.

And as Batya33 said, you might find other people attractive or get a little crush here and there. You might think: "Such and such is cute" but it's more like a fleeting thought. You wouldn't be thinking that being with other people is better and you should be with other people.

One poster said that you should keep working on your relationship because any relationship can get boring after a while. I mean, yes relationships take effort but it shouldn't feel like you're forcing yourself. I think there's a difference between thinking: "We hit a rough patch but I still want to be with this person" and "I kinda want out of this relationship".

[Betterwithout]

On 1/10/2023 at 7:10 AM, Geroge Bensen said:

I can't see a long term future living like this as I want to want to jump my partners bones as I have a high sex drive, I want to find them super attractive like I do other females but not sure if this just happens after a while?

Firstly, I would like to share what I call "the rule of 3's" 
After 3 dates, you usually know if you want to continue dating
After 3 months, you meet their family and friends and have had a share of intimacy, a few disagreements, and then you re-evaluate and decide if you want to continue
After 3 years, most ask themselves, "is this long term?"  "is this meant to be"  "is this person "the one"

Since you are at the 3 year mark...this is forefront in your mind.
I do think you have answered your own question.

However, the "grass is greener" metaphor is very popularly used and for good reason.
Wired in our DNA is to wonder if we would be better off with someone else.  This is a part of being imperfect humans, always looking for perfect humans, which is a fallacy.  (I do this also personally)

The other girls catching your eye might be missing on the connection you have with this girl  ("We have similarities in what we do: gym, music, films/tv, places we like to go/eat which is what held us together")   Maybe the next girl will have the same sex drive and be super attractive, but hates watching movies, doesn't care for the same music as you, and is not on the same financial page as you.

In case I've muddied the waters.... always ask what your heart truly feels.
 

[Geroge Bensen]

6 minutes ago, Betterwithout said:

Firstly, I would like to share what I call "the rule of 3's" 
After 3 dates, you usually know if you want to continue dating
After 3 months, you meet their family and friends and have had a share of intimacy, a few disagreements, and then you re-evaluate and decide if you want to continue
After 3 years, most ask themselves, "is this long term?"  "is this meant to be"  "is this person "the one"

Since you are at the 3 year mark...this is forefront in your mind.
I do think you have answered your own question.

However, the "grass is greener" metaphor is very popularly used and for good reason.
Wired in our DNA is to wonder if we would be better off with someone else.  This is a part of being imperfect humans, always looking for perfect humans, which is a fallacy.  (I do this also personally)

The other girls catching your eye might be missing on the connection you have with this girl  ("We have similarities in what we do: gym, music, films/tv, places we like to go/eat which is what held us together")   Maybe the next girl will have the same sex drive and be super attractive, but hates watching movies, doesn't care for the same music as you, and is not on the same financial page as you.

In case I've muddied the waters.... always ask what your heart truly feels.
 

Yes this is true and interesting for the rule of 3.
We have similar interests as you've stated, but if the attraction goes and when doing those things they don't feel the same anymore that is also a big issue. Not wanting to hold hands or be close when watching a movie can be painful, not wanting to book a holiday etc although these things are super important as well as the financial issue's, I would want to date some one on the same level as me that I will look forward to doing the smallest of things with. 

I guess I can give it a week or two and see how I truly feel, go on a date or two and see if I can connect and if not then its for the best we go separate ways.

[Betterwithout]

5 minutes ago, Geroge Bensen said:

Yes this is true and interesting for the rule of 3.
We have similar interests as you've stated, but if the attraction goes and when doing those things they don't feel the same anymore that is also a big issue. Not wanting to hold hands or be close when watching a movie can be painful, not wanting to book a holiday etc although these things are super important as well as the financial issue's, I would want to date some one on the same level as me that I will look forward to doing the smallest of things with. 

I guess I can give it a week or two and see how I truly feel, go on a date or two and see if I can connect and if not then its for the best we go separate ways.

Do you think she is truly content in the relationship.  Remember with both parties in a funk or at a 3 year crossroads, there is a good possibility she also has her foot out the door.  Your evaluation is also part of her evaluation.
I don't want to generalize, but in my experience most women I have met are exceptionally perceptive, much more than men.  

By the way, I bring up financial because it's a critical factor.  If mismatched, financial incompatibilities can destroy the most loving and hottest couples apart.

 

[Geroge Bensen]

9 minutes ago, Betterwithout said:

Do you think she is truly content in the relationship.  Remember with both parties in a funk or at a 3 year crossroads, there is a good possibility she also has her foot out the door.  Your evaluation is also part of her evaluation.
I don't want to generalize, but in my experience most women I have met are exceptionally perceptive, much more than men.  

By the way, I bring up financial because it's a critical factor.  If mismatched, financial incompatibilities can destroy the most loving and hottest couples apart.

 

I think she knows I am a good catch for her and think's she wouldn't meet a 'better' person to be honest. It is confusing as I know people who have settled for people, or are with some one they know isn't the best for them and I would never want to be in that situation.

[Betterwithout]

21 minutes ago, Geroge Bensen said:

It is confusing as I know people who have settled for people, or are with some one they know isn't the best for them and I would never want to be in that situation.

I think there are different ranges/levels of "settling" for people.
What settling looks like to you, might be different for someone else.

Nobody wants to settle, or feel like their partner settled for them either!

I stand by ...what does your heart tell you?  Nobody can advise you what your heart says or does not say.   Of course, feelings will be hurt if a breakup will occur, but maybe it's better that you both find people that are more compatible.  I've been in your shoes and 90% of the time it was the right choice.
Same with changing jobs.
 

[Batya33]

54 minutes ago, Geroge Bensen said:

Wired in our DNA is to wonder if we would be better off with someone else.  This is a part of being imperfect humans, always looking for perfect humans, which is a fallacy.  (I do this also personally)

The other girls catching your eye might be missing on the connection you have with this girl  ("We have similarities in what we do: gym, music, films/tv, places we like to go/eat which is what held us together")   Maybe the next girl will have the same sex drive and be super attractive, but hates watching movies, doesn't care for the same music as you, and is not on the same financial page as you.

In case I've muddied the waters.... always ask what your heart truly feels.

My wiring for this un-wired when I became the right person to find the right person - I was 39 and I was well aware of GIGS from many past serious and not serious relationships -many.  When I found the right person as I wrote above I knew that technically there could be someone better but I didn't care -nor did I ever dwell on it and still do not, 17 years later.

[Betterwithout]

29 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

My wiring for this un-wired

I think maturity plays a role in consciously "un-wiring" things.  With this type of scenario and others.
I have done a lot of un-wiring myself in terms of the way I was raised and things I have learned a long the way.  I believe that un-wiring is a large part of therapy for many individuals especially for those marginalized in society.   

Great discussion here.

Batya33:  it is great that you have a well matched partner.  You are one of the lucky ones.

 

[Kwothe28]

13 minutes ago, Betterwithout said:

Nobody wants to settle, or feel like their partner settled for them either!

That is true. Because nobody wants to feel like they deserve "better" and how their partner is "inferior" so they will feel like they could do better and seek that better. And nobody wants to feel like their partner is settling for them because that means they are "inferior" and partner would do better if they ever want to. Both are not the position anybody would want to be in it and are not very fullfilling.

Though their is always a risk of "buyers remorse" kind of thing. Because lots of people think they can do better. But in a reality, its questionable at best.  For example OP thinks he can do better. And by all means I encourage him to try. But in a reality, all those women that look at him at work, maybe wouldnt want to be with him. Or would just want sexual adventure. Or if they even want relationship maybe the wouldnt be compatible. So it is a risk of sort. But the one he should be willing to take if he feels like he feels.