Boyfriend offering lifts to female coworker

[Andrina]

Why not suggest to him that you double date for dinner? Perhaps it will put your fears to rest. I'm friends with a gay male couple at work who my husband has met as we've gotten together many times for house parties, and he likes them.

Basically, affairs always come to light without a person having to pry. The only control you have is to be the best gf you can be, and to make sure a person meets all of your main needs. Beyond that, let the cards fall where they may, because it's unrealistic that you will go throughout life without being hurt. I wouldn't make that your goal, because it's unrealistic.

[tattoobunnie]

She has already asked for food recs.  Go together as a group.  Meet women, make friends you don't feel pressure that they are stealing your dude.  Honestly, who cares if any person cheats on you, anyone can.  That's on them as being a shi7ty person; not you.  But if you keep treating them like dirtbags undeservingly, you are self-sabotaging yourself.  It doesn't matter if you two breakup, because if you don't work on your own issues, you will carry it onto the next and next relationships.

[catfeeder]

There are two kinds of jealousy. One is caused by suspicious behaviors of another, and the other is a consistent mistrust of others, no matter who they are.

If you've found yourself living on the edge of mistrust regardless of who you're dealing with, then you're basically self-imposing a continual IV drip of the same kind of pain you'd suffer if you got blindsided, anyway.

So you're giving yourself the pain regardless of what a partner does or doesn't do. This means if he ever cheats, you've suffered the pain in double doses, and if he never cheats, you've suffered the pain for no good reason.

I'd take this to your therapist and ask for ways that you can train your brain away from doing this to yourself.

We can't control other people. Trusting doesn't guarantee we can never get hurt, just as going to sleep at night doesn't guarantee we will always be safe. But people who are too tense to sleep are unhealthy, and people who are too tense to trust are equally unhealthy. 

 

[Cherylyn]

I wouldn't care if she's a lesbian or not.  If my husband became too chummy with any woman or man when we were dating or now in our marriage, I wouldn't be fine with it.  I thought I was supposed to be the chosen one to be very close to him on all levels?  What am I?  Chopped liver?

Your husband should exercise and practice common sense boundaries with her or anyone for that matter. 

I could see helping someone with transportation infrequently or during emergencies.  However, habitual transportation help is unreasonable and it's taking advantage of another person's car, gas, wear 'n tear, maintenance, etc.  Is your husband moonlighting as an unpaid Uber driver? 

Your husband's colleague needs to figure out other means of transportation and be responsible for herself. 

The closeness on social media is plain weird.  He needs to learn to distance himself from a colleague and transform into having a professional rapport and nothing more. 

The honorable thing to do would be for him to confront her with his stance out of respect for you.  #1 no more car rides unless it's an infrequent emergency.  Regarding social media, no one can control how she responds to his posts.  Either ignore or he should tell her that it's time to unfriend her and revert to a cordial, professional rapport in person at the workplace and nothing else.  Both sides need to exercise discretion. 

You need to have a discussion with your husband and either teach him how to behave respectfully towards his wife even when you're not looking over his shoulder or you need to tolerate and accept him without complaint. 

[Cherylyn]

I wouldn't call it insecurity.  It's what a couple is comfortable with, what their agreed values are, their unspoken code preferences between them and some may call it more "old school" which is fine. 

I realize many couples have very comfortable close, camaraderie with those of the opposite gender or same gender, spend a lot of time together socially or in a car or whatever or wherever and that's fine as long as there's an agreement or pact to do so.  It's also fine if both partners or spouses engage in the same agreed upon behavior.  However, it's not for every couple.

There's a neighbor who lives across the street from me and he's nice and friendly.  The postman is very nice to me as well.  Both are married but even if they weren't married, I can't see myself getting chummy with them, going out for a meal, going out for drinks, giving each other rides,  doing the "friendlies" thing or none of that out of respect for their wives and out of respect for my husband and vice versa for them. 

My male colleagues and other members of society are nice to me but other than brief, superficial chit chat, it's as far as it goes.  We have our boundaries.  

My husband speaks well of his female colleagues but it's just polite acquaintance type rapport.  As a group, they've dined out for lunch with his boss.  He's not pals with them.  They're kind to each other but they're only cordial at best.  It has nothing to do with insecurity. 

I guess we're more old-fashioned but we're happy and compatible with what we've established for so long.  It's the same with my siblings, their husbands, wives, my in-laws, their husbands, wives, my friends, their husbands and wives as well.  It goes without saying.  For us, it's common sense. 

We have friends.  We just draw the line at some point and it works for us. 

I support whatever other couples do. 

[smackie9]

I dunno...it's a thin line. The thing to do is to set reasonable boundaries you both can agree on. OK to give anyone a ride home if they pitch in for gas, ok to interact at work, not ok to text a lot with each out outside of work, not ok to have late night text messages, the xx is not appropriate (IMO), bonding with your coworkers ok, but no one on one drinks after work, include each other who is texting or what they are texting (something me and my husband just do as conversation),etc. 

Just communicate with him that's all you need to do. 

[anonymous43089]

23 hours ago, smackie9 said:

I dunno...it's a thin line. The thing to do is to set reasonable boundaries you both can agree on. OK to give anyone a ride home if they pitch in for gas, ok to interact at work, not ok to text a lot with each out outside of work, not ok to have late night text messages, the xx is not appropriate (IMO), bonding with your coworkers ok, but no one on one drinks after work, include each other who is texting or what they are texting (something me and my husband just do as conversation),etc. 

Just communicate with him that's all you need to do. 

What would I say to him though? Not like I can tell him I looked through his phone

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, anonymous43089 said:

What would I say to him though? Not like I can tell him I looked through his phone

Why not? Do you feel you did something wrong? Are you afraid to tell him for some reason?

If you're close enough to share a bed and other intimate moments you should be able to discuss this with him.

[Andrina]

1 hour ago, anonymous43089 said:

What would I say to him though? Not like I can tell him I looked through his phone

The mistake you made is to become exclusive with him without discussing relationship boundaries. Because you have to share them to be in a happy, successful relationship. Better late than never. Be clear and honest with yourself of what you want those boundaries to be, and then communicate what they are to him, i.e., "I realize we never discussed relationship boundaries. I want to tell you mine to see if we're on the same page."

If he's not and argues with you--isn't willing to bend because he prefers his own which don't match yours, then you will have a hard decision to make. If you don't want to settle and live an upsetting life when a person doesn't match you, you will have to free yourself from the situation. If he's willing to see your point of view and finds it reasonable, he will agree to the relationship boundaries you find important.

I know how you're feeling, because even if she is a lesbian and he has no romantic interest in her, there is a different dynamic because of the opposite genders, and you like being the only female besides his family that you want him having that sort of closeness with.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[anonymous43089]

On 1/12/2023 at 9:54 PM, Andrina said:

The mistake you made is to become exclusive with him without discussing relationship boundaries. Because you have to share them to be in a happy, successful relationship. Better late than never. Be clear and honest with yourself of what you want those boundaries to be, and then communicate what they are to him, i.e., "I realize we never discussed relationship boundaries. I want to tell you mine to see if we're on the same page."

If he's not and argues with you--isn't willing to bend because he prefers his own which don't match yours, then you will have a hard decision to make. If you don't want to settle and live an upsetting life when a person doesn't match you, you will have to free yourself from the situation. If he's willing to see your point of view and finds it reasonable, he will agree to the relationship boundaries you find important.

I know how you're feeling, because even if she is a lesbian and he has no romantic interest in her, there is a different dynamic because of the opposite genders, and you like being the only female besides his family that you want him having that sort of closeness with.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

I did this with him many times therefore I don’t think it’s an issue with boundaries because i’m very assertive when it comes to stuff like this. I know what I will and won’t accept.

 

update is that I said to him, have u had any female coworkers in your car directly and he said no and that he would tell me if he has. I asked again to make sure and he still said no. So he has lied to my face and i’m sat here thinking why the f he has lied about having a lesbian woman in his car. 

[anonymous43089]

1 minute ago, anonymous43089 said:

I did this with him many times therefore I don’t think it’s an issue with boundaries because i’m very assertive when it comes to stuff like this. I know what I will and won’t accept.

 

update is that I said to him, have u had any female coworkers in your car directly and he said no and that he would tell me if he has. I asked again to make sure and he still said no. So he has lied to my face and i’m sat here thinking why the f he has lied about having a lesbian woman in his car. 

Also to all the people telling me that I should trust him, do you see why I don’t? When he lies about things he shouldn’t be lying about

[Jaunty]

On 1/7/2023 at 6:29 PM, Cherylyn said:

I wouldn't call it insecurity.  It's what a couple is comfortable with, what their agreed values are, their unspoken code preferences between them and some may call it more "old school" which is fine. 

 

OK.  Then the OP needs to break up with her boyfriend.   Just like you would if your husband had female friends.  

To each their own, but  I find the idea that having friends of the opposite sex is somehow forbidden territory to be similar to confining friendships to the same race, same religion, political party, income level, nationality, etc.  I have no time for it.   If a person can't be trusted to keep their  libido at bay if they are interacting with somebody with different genitalia than their own ...  I would not want to date them.   

 

 

[Jaunty]

21 minutes ago, anonymous43089 said:

Also to all the people telling me that I should trust him, do you see why I don’t? When he lies about things he shouldn’t be lying about

 You know about all of this because you go through his phone, correct?  So, you can't be trusted either.   You invade his privacy and use what you find out against him.

Obviously your relationship is broken and beyond repair.  He is not telling you because you are not able to handle the reality that he drives a woman in his car.  This is not an excuse - he's being dishonest and that's not okay.  He needs to break up with you and be with someone who would be okay with him having friends of his own choosing. 

And YOU need to break up with him and be with some one who, like you, does not believe that people can / should be friends with others who you find threatening for any reason whatsoever.

If you want to try to save this you will have to be honest with him; it's a 2 way street.  But I truly don't think it's possible.  You won't believe him (and why would you at this point), so you won't respect his privacy, and 

Sorry.

[Cherylyn]

5 hours ago, Jaunty said:

OK.  Then the OP needs to break up with her boyfriend.   Just like you would if your husband had female friends.  

To each their own, but  I find the idea that having friends of the opposite sex is somehow forbidden territory to be similar to confining friendships to the same race, same religion, political party, income level, nationality, etc.  I have no time for it.   If a person can't be trusted to keep their  libido at bay if they are interacting with somebody with different genitalia than their own ...  I would not want to date them.   

 

 

I fully support what other couples or people do, @Jaunty.  All I was saying was that not everyone shares the same preferences and habits.  All of my married friends, relatives, in-laws and extended family members and us have friends of the opposite gender as we socialize together or go out together with other couples.  As groups, we have friends from many walks of life, allegiances to different political parties, various faiths (religions), multiple races, incomes and nationalities.  They are great people in our lives and they're respectful of us which is beyond beautiful.  It's what we do and what we're comfortable with.  If other couples have 1:1 opposite gender friends with going out for clubbing, bars, movies, engage in frequent electronic correspondence, meet for dinners and the like, I'm all for it.  Whatever floats their boat.  Just because I agree and support what other people do, doesn't mean my husband, friends and I all share the same viewpoints, opinions and lifestyles.  It's a free country to do as you will.  By all means.  Yes indeed, to each his or her own.  I couldn't agree more.  You do you and I'll do me.  🙂

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

If other couples have 1:1 opposite gender friends with going out for clubbing, bars, movies, engage in frequent electronic correspondence, meet for dinners and the like, I'm all for it. 

This is an odd way to describe it. How people interact is so varied.  I've never gone clubbing with an opposite gender friend while in a relationship because that is an activity that is like going on a date.  I have had lunch with my male friend (my husband was invited -but nominally - he knows he could come but we meet when my friend -who also does IT work for us- is in town -and often when my husband is at work) - but it doesn't float my boat - it's an activity I would do with a woman or a man - meaning I don't know of people who have opposite gender friends for the purpose of getting away with date-like activities and calling it "friendship". 

I would have dinner with my male friend if that's the only time he can meet while in town if our schedules worked.  Same for my husband. Not to have a date like activity because the friend happens to be opposite gender.  Just to spend time with the friend.  

There are couples who have opposite gender friends and go on dates with them or play with fire like sharing a hotel room, getting drunk at a club. or sending regularly flirty texts - that is not a situation of a couple being comfortable with having opposite gender friendships.  That is a situation of a couple being comfortable with interacting with the opposite gender in situations where there is a high risk of it crossing lines. 

It's not consistent with being in a relationship where the couple promises not to date or look to date others and not to have sex with others.  Even if it's not "cheating." 

And it's also not a platonic friendship - platonic friends don't place themselves in situations, or choose to get drunk in certain situations where there is a high risk that one or both will act out impulsive sexual desires.  Because that's not respectful of one or both of their marriages/commitments -that's not being a true friend.  That says to me the motive is not to hang out with a platonic friend but to push the limits and get some thrills.  

I'd be fine if my husband gave lifts to a female coworker all else equal.  Not if she was flirtatious with him, not if she behaved in a disrespectful way about our marriage/family life.  I trust him 100%.

[Wiseman2]

On 1/4/2023 at 7:34 PM, anonymous43089 said:

 the thought that there is another female in his car and that he could be laughing with or enjoying her attention or company makes me feel sick. I want to be the only one in his life that can give him that.

How long have you been dating? It's great you're taking care of yourself and your physical and mental health. Discuss the snooping and your findings with the therapist. See if you're in the right relationship or with the right man.

Perhaps there's baggage behind this fear of infidelity?

While boundaries are important, do you think it's unrealistic that you're the only female allowed in his life?

Unfortunately it seems he hides (or rather, is private about) what's on his phone because of your direct confrontation.  Sadly you've entered a cat and mouse situation where you're suspicious and looking to confirm that but can't admit that you're snooping.

[Cherylyn]

7 hours ago, Batya33 said:

This is an odd way to describe it. How people interact is so varied.  I've never gone clubbing with an opposite gender friend while in a relationship because that is an activity that is like going on a date.  I have had lunch with my male friend (my husband was invited -but nominally - he knows he could come but we meet when my friend -who also does IT work for us- is in town -and often when my husband is at work) - but it doesn't float my boat - it's an activity I would do with a woman or a man - meaning I don't know of people who have opposite gender friends for the purpose of getting away with date-like activities and calling it "friendship". 

I would have dinner with my male friend if that's the only time he can meet while in town if our schedules worked.  Same for my husband. Not to have a date like activity because the friend happens to be opposite gender.  Just to spend time with the friend.  

There are couples who have opposite gender friends and go on dates with them or play with fire like sharing a hotel room, getting drunk at a club. or sending regularly flirty texts - that is not a situation of a couple being comfortable with having opposite gender friendships.  That is a situation of a couple being comfortable with interacting with the opposite gender in situations where there is a high risk of it crossing lines. 

It's not consistent with being in a relationship where the couple promises not to date or look to date others and not to have sex with others.  Even if it's not "cheating." 

And it's also not a platonic friendship - platonic friends don't place themselves in situations, or choose to get drunk in certain situations where there is a high risk that one or both will act out impulsive sexual desires.  Because that's not respectful of one or both of their marriages/commitments -that's not being a true friend.  That says to me the motive is not to hang out with a platonic friend but to push the limits and get some thrills.  

I'd be fine if my husband gave lifts to a female coworker all else equal.  Not if she was flirtatious with him, not if she behaved in a disrespectful way about our marriage/family life.  I trust him 100%.

@Batya33I really don't care what other couples agree to do.  I'm fine with it and I fully support whatever other people do.

As for my marriage, my friends, in-laws and relatives, we have our way of doing things and it's our own personal preference.  It's ingrained and ironclad. 

There are lots of opposite gender friends in relationships (or same gender relationships) who have opposite gender (or same gender) friendships and do whatever they want.  I think it's great and so wonderful.  Meeting for dinner, going to a club, bars,  all in the name of friendship, movies, theater, nights on the town, trips, vacations, (it's not cheating) entertainment, sports venues, museums or whatever sounds swell.  Engaging in frequent electronic correspondence, social media, in person socializing, etc is the norm for them.  More power to them.  If it makes them happy,  I'm happy for them. 

As for chauffeuring colleagues, my husband and I've done the same especially during emergencies or as infrequent favors.  It is fine.  The problem would be habitual rides if it's not a carpool situation where each motorist is taking turns, contributing towards gas / wear 'n tear on the car or if our kindness is taken advantage of.  There is a difference in "help," exercising discretion and overstepping common sense boundaries. 

It's not a matter of trust for my marriage and the people whom we associate with friends or family.  It's simply how we are, period.  It's not up for negotiation nor debate.  Whatever other people do is absolutely fine and again, I fully support them.  You do you and I'll do me. 

[Batya33]

I meant that you described opposite gender friendships as doing activities like clubbing - that’s odd because that’s what single friends do or male/female couples might do - seems to me you were selecting date like activities because the platonic friends were a man and woman - so of course many couples would be unhappy with their partner doing date like activities with a so called platonic friend of the opposite gender.
Far different from / for example - being worried about a man giving his female friend a lift to her mother’s house every Friday morning for s month until she could get her car fixed so she could save $$ and they could catch up.  

[Cherylyn]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I meant that you described opposite gender friendships as doing activities like clubbing - that’s odd because that’s what single friends do or male/female couples might do - seems to me you were selecting date like activities because the platonic friends were a man and woman - so of course many couples would be unhappy with their partner doing date like activities with a so called platonic friend of the opposite gender.
Far different from / for example - being worried about a man giving his female friend a lift to her mother’s house every Friday morning for s month until she could get her car fixed so she could save $$ and they could catch up.  

@Batya33It's not odd.  I know people who have partners or spouses and they carry on socializing with their friends same gender or not and do whatever suits their fancy.  It doesn't matter the location.  It's still platonic despite so many locations.  As long as there is a mutual agreement between partners or spouses to socialize on their terms, I don't see anything wrong with it.  They're actually happy and I'm happy for them. 

Whatever other people or couples do is fine with me and my circle of friends, family, relatives and in-laws.  However, it's simply not our way.  We have our own ingrained habits, opinions and preferences regarding our lives and lifestyles.  We fully support what other people do though. 

As for giving lifts, my husband and I helped others with transportation.  The problem is when the chauffeur is taken advantage of and goodwill wears out.  For example, chauffeuring becomes an expectation as opposed to doing occasional favors such as for emergencies, temporary car repairs, being left stranded somewhere, missing a ride or some type of random, urgent need.  Again, there are exceptions.  However, my husband and I do not want to become permanent chauffeurs for anybody.  People are responsible for their own transportation in general.  We don't bother each other.  It's common sense.