Boyfriend offering lifts to female coworker

[anonymous43089]

I found out that my boyfriend has been giving lifts to a female coworker who is lesbian and who has a gf. I saw that he has been texting her too. Should I be concerned? he doesn't now that I know.

He has mentioned her here and there but not in a way that shows they are close. For example he mentioned around my birthday that she was asking him places to go to with her gf because him and I go to nice places. (even though we rarely do).

From what I have found out, it seems like they are pretty close if they are texting about their fav shows and he is giving her lifts home from work. She has also been tagging him in funny posts on facebook related to work. 

[anonymous43089]

They also use xx after each message

[Batya33]

Do you trust your boyfriend? Is she bisexual? Why are  you worried about a woman who is a coworker and a lesbian? I realize they're "flirting" but if she is lesbian by definition she wouldn't mean anything by it.  

[anonymous43089]

what makes you realize they are flirting? and I can't know whether to trust him because you never know people truly who they are. I don't know if she is bisexual as she currently is in a relationship with a woman.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, anonymous43089 said:

what makes you realize they are flirting? and I can't know whether to trust him because you never know people truly who they are. I don't know if she is bisexual as she currently is in a relationship with a woman.

This is simple.  Do not be in a serious romantic relationship with a man you do not trust.  The end.

[anonymous43089]

but if it were any other guy i'd not trust them either. You can't ever fully trust someone 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, anonymous43089 said:

but if it were any other guy i'd not trust them either. You can't ever fully trust someone 

Then don't be in any serious romantic relationship.  Do you trust him not to cheat on you? That is what I mean.

[anonymous43089]

I can't because if I fully trust and then he does cheat on me i'm going to be heartbroken and it would come as a shock because I fully trusted him. I watch a lot of dating advice videos and they usually say, don't trust someone 100%

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, anonymous43089 said:

I can't because if I fully trust and then he does cheat on me i'm going to be heartbroken and it would come as a shock because I fully trusted him. I watch a lot of dating advice videos and they usually say, don't trust someone 100%

I didn’t ask about 100%.  Do you trust him not to cheat on you. Forget about dating videos. Are you in a relationship where you’ve promised exclusivity and you trust him to keep his promise to you ? Part of being in a relationship is vulnerability.  There’s always a risk of being hurt.  You manage the level of risk by picking someone you care for and who cares for you and who you believe is a trustworthy person of integrity and who you trust to keep his promises to you. Without that basic trust there’s no relationship and your love and commitment isn’t based on anything genuine - you have one foot out the door and you are keeping your distance.  I never wrote anything about 100 percent 

he is exchanging flirtatious messages with a lesbian coworker. She might not be a lesbian. He might be attracted to the challenge of a lesbian - or he might see it that way. If you trust him not to cross lines and behave inappropriately as per your commitment then there’s no issue. If you don’t trust him don’t date him. If you feel he would choose the challenge of flirting with her and winning her over instead of being loyal to you then don’t date him. 

[anonymous43089]

I don't think they were flirtatious?

[anonymous43089]

I agree, I have one foot in and one foot out but I just feel it's too risky to put both feet in. I don't want to get hurt again or betrayed. I feel like I would be this way with any guy though 😞

[Batya33]

Just now, anonymous43089 said:

I don't think they were flirtatious?

I’m done. I would find xx flirtatious. But it’s irrelevant. You don’t trust your boyfriend to be loyal to you. That is the issue. Not his coworker. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, anonymous43089 said:

I agree, I have one foot in and one foot out but I just feel it's too risky to put both feet in. I don't want to get hurt again or betrayed. I feel like I would be this way with any guy though 😞

Right then it’s not fair to expect him to be committed to you. Let him date others and you date others and date him casually. Let him meet someone who is all in and wants to be all in with him. He’s wasting his time with you because you’re not all in and it’s unfair to him. 
it’s too risky to put both feet in with a person who you know not to be a trustworthy person of integrity with good values and good character. Or someone who doesn’t care about you etc. you do have to be willing to take a risk for the great privilege of being in a committed relationship based on love. If it’s not worth it to you then just date casually. 

[anonymous43089]

You have a point. 

[anonymous43089]

But I have a reason to not trust him considering that he has hidden this all from me though?

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, anonymous43089 said:

But I have a reason to not trust him considering that he has hidden this all from me though?

Why does he have to tell you if he is friends with a coworker who is lesbian and involved in a relationship? My husband doesn't know about all my platonic acquaintances and friends.  Same on his end I'm sure especially when it comes to coworkers and colleagues. He travels regularly and interacts with many many people including people who give him rides during business trips and vice versa. I don't expect him to tell me about all the people he associates with.  

Do you two have an agreement that you have to tell each other about all the people you interact with or hang out with or it's "hidden?"

[anonymous43089]

I guess he doesn't have to tell me but not telling me makes me feel like something more is going on and if he is close to her which to me, I feel he is, then he should tell me about her. 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, anonymous43089 said:

I guess he doesn't have to tell me but not telling me makes me feel like something more is going on and if he is close to her which to me, I feel he is, then he should tell me about her. 

So if he makes a new friend and he starts to get close to that person platonically he has to tell you about it? Certainly if that is your agreement and he knows that that's true.  But to me it's not generally true.  Just because you don't trust him and are jumping to conclusins about a lesbian coworker who is in a relationship doesn't mean he has to be burdened with your not trusting him.  He has to report to you "guess what I am becoming closer friends with my coworker!"? That starts to be a wee bit controlling IMO.

[anonymous43089]

Yeah I see what you mean. I guess i'm just really struggling with my own trust issues and insecurities. He hasn't really given me a reason not to trust him. He has hidden things from me in the past but there hasn't been anything major. I just don't want to get hurt and the thought that there is another female in his car and that he could be laughing with or enjoying her attention or company makes me feel sick. I want to be the only one in his life that can give him that.

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, anonymous43089 said:

Yeah I see what you mean. I guess i'm just really struggling with my own trust issues and insecurities. He hasn't really given me a reason not to trust him. He has hidden things from me in the past but there hasn't been anything major. I just don't want to get hurt and the thought that there is another female in his car and that he could be laughing with or enjoying her attention or company makes me feel sick. I want to be the only one in his life that can give him that.

Oh ok.  Find a person who doesn't want to talk to any females other than you because there is always a risk that since he is a human being he might make friends with others and laugh with them and have close personal conversations as friends do.  Find a person who will prioritize your insecurities and be an open book -show you his phone every day and devices and prove to you that he spoke to no females other than in purely business conversations or maybe his mom or sister if that is ok with you.  Don't be surprised if you end up losing sexual attraction because it's a little bit like a mommy-son interaction (although also quite controlling for a mom and son -I don't control my son in that way).  

There are people who also believe that only the man and woman should laugh with each other and enjoy being around each other and no one else.  It's rare but if that's what you feel you need for your insecurities (meaning not because you care so much about the person -it's about you and your insecurities) then find that person -or get therapy to resolve these issues.  

Please know that the person who will put up with that likely will also want you to account for all your movements and interactions when you leave the house and will put restrictions on where you are allowed to go and who you are allowed to see to avoid the risk you might have a blast laughing with and getting to know a new person as a friend.

Does that sound fun, loving, and caring? I mean if it does go for it. He's not that guy.

For me personally it enhances a relationship when both people have close friendships outside of the relationship and have fun and do fun activities outside of the relationship -then come back home and share all the fun stories and perhaps introduce their partners to their new acquaintance or friend -or not.  It's pretty darn stifling and suffocating to feel restricted to having a great time only with one's partner.  For most people.  Especially it if's because of insecurities.  JMHO.  Good luck to you and you do you, ok?

[anonymous43089]

Thanks so much for putting it that way. It's honestly helped, I really needed to see you put it that way for me to realise. I've been to therapy twice and she said I have low self esteem and I really have tried to work on it and I've had moments where i've been fine and fully trusting him and feeling confident in myself but right now i'm going through the worst of it again. I'm thinking, if I feel this mistrustful then surely this means it's my gut and something really is happening? and then my mind says, well if he's hiding it there's a reason for it. idk, my head is a complete mess at the moment but I really am grateful you have listened to me and told me it like it is rather than sugar coating. I really appreciate it ❤️

[MissCanuck]

22 minutes ago, anonymous43089 said:

well if he's hiding it there's a reason for it.

Is he hiding it, though? Or it's just not that noteworthy enough to make a point of mentioning to you?

I don't see much to worry about here.  But if I trust my partner, I also don't take issue with opposite-gender friendships. Your boundaries are not necessarily the same as mine, but it still boils down to whether you trust him and find this sort of interaction with another woman problematic.

I am going to assume you discovered all this by going through his phone? 

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, anonymous43089 said:

Thanks so much for putting it that way. It's honestly helped, I really needed to see you put it that way for me to realise. I've been to therapy twice and she said I have low self esteem and I really have tried to work on it and I've had moments where i've been fine and fully trusting him and feeling confident in myself but right now i'm going through the worst of it again. I'm thinking, if I feel this mistrustful then surely this means it's my gut and something really is happening? and then my mind says, well if he's hiding it there's a reason for it. idk, my head is a complete mess at the moment but I really am grateful you have listened to me and told me it like it is rather than sugar coating. I really appreciate it ❤️

But your gut in this case isn’t your gut. It’s insecurity. When I feel anxious that I left the fridge open by accident even though rationally that can’t be is it me gut? (And of course fridge is closed). I remember seeing “signs “ and having a gut feeling - emotional- that this time I was pregnant and I wasn’t - I simply wanted it to be true so very badly. Sometimes we do get intuitions about a partner being unfaithful. Something seems off. Don’t confuse insecurity with “gut”- you already have a tendency to mistrust and be suspicious because you have low self esteem so of course you’ll be biased in favor of “he must be cheating on me”. You don’t need gut. You have the information already about his interactions and if you violated his privacy by going through his phone that’s the bigger problem. 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, anonymous43089 said:

 there is another female in his car and that he could be laughing with or enjoying her attention or company makes me feel sick. 

How long have you been dating? Have you been hurt before or cheated on?

Is there a reason you went through his phone to confirm a gut reaction to something?

Are you jealous that they do a lot together or afraid he's interested in her?

How is your relationship overall? You don't seem too happy with him or the time you spend together.

[Tinydance]

If this colleague is actually a lesbian and she also has a girlfriend, what is your concern? This woman would have no interest in your boyfriend romantically and he knows he has no chance with her too. He obviously has female friends so if you don't want to date a guy with female friends then he's probably not the right person for you.