How can I make this right? Gave her an STI.

[drizzy135]

This has been very very stressful for me recently.
So I have been seeing this girl for just over 1.5 years and we started off slowly as friends casually but spent a lot more time together and eventually fell in love and saw a potential future together. We decided to be exclusive 4 months ago but have been having sex for over a year.
She lost her virginity to me and it was a very big thing for her as she was waiting until marriage. I have been her only sexual partner.

So, at the start of November she noticed some painful bumps in her genital area and we both really freaked out as it looked like herpes. I did not have any symptoms at the time. She got checked out and the doctors confirmed it was herpes with a swab. I thought back to a few months ago when I had mild symptoms but I didn't see anyone at the time and they healed themselves. In hindsight, it was probably my first herpes outbreak but I did not know that.

I feel so awful and feel like I have completely ruined her life. She has been very angry with me and has cut me off completely from her life. She has deleted me off social media and told me not to message her despite that I have still tried. But it has been a month now since our last interaction. We currently live around one hour away and haven't seen each other since before this all happened.
What can I do? Do I accept that she will never forgive me for this? Or do I give her time and try to approach her again later? I really really love this girl and want to spend the rest of my life with her. It has been two months now and I don't think I can get over her. She is the love of my life.

[boltnrun]

When did you contract herpes? Before you two were dating, or while you two were having sex but not "exclusive"? 

I presume you had unprotected sex with someone else. Unfortunately herpes isn't one of those STIs you can prescreen for. 

It's unlikely she will want to reconcile, but if she ever does it has to be her decision with no pressure from you. Don't message her anymore. All you can do is respond if she reached out to you.

And going forward be sure to always use condoms. You will also have to disclose to all future partners that you have herpes, even if you don't appear to be having an outbreak. 

[drizzy135]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

When did you contract herpes? Before you two were dating, or while you two were having sex but not "exclusive"? 

I presume you had unprotected sex with someone else. Unfortunately herpes isn't one of those STIs you can prescreen for. 

It's unlikely she will want to reconcile, but if she ever does it has to be her decision with no pressure from you. Don't message her anymore. All you can do is respond if she reached out to you.

And going forward be sure to always use condoms. You will also have to disclose to all future partners that you have herpes, even if you don't appear to be having an outbreak. 

Thank you for replying. I must have got it when we were not exclusive but still having sex. I always wore protection. Unfortunately, the lesions on me are on areas not covered by a condom. 

 

[Seraphim]

Not likely she will forgive you so just let it go and disclose to all further partners. 

[MissCanuck]

22 minutes ago, drizzy135 said:

Do I accept that she will never forgive me for this?

Yes, this seems the most realistic. 

This is life-changing for her (and you)and she has made the choice to remove you completely. There is nothing more you can or should do about that. Leave her be and focus on letting go. 

27 minutes ago, drizzy135 said:

I really really love this girl and want to spend the rest of my life with her.

This seems inconsistent with having sex for a year but only becoming an exclusive couple 4 months ago. What took so long to reach that point? 

[Wiseman2]

25 minutes ago, drizzy135 said:

.She has deleted me off social media and told me not to message her despite that I have still tried. 

Sorry this happened. It would be best to leave her alone. She most likely told trusted friends and family and the last thing you need on top of all this is a harassment or stalking charge or a restraining order.

While HSV is rather ubiquitous, she can end it for that or any other reason. 

[boltnrun]

19 minutes ago, drizzy135 said:

Thank you for replying. I must have got it when we were not exclusive but still having sex. I always wore protection. Unfortunately, the lesions on me are on areas not covered by a condom. 

 

So you only realized she's the love of your life four months ago? 

Did you tell her you were having sex with other women during the non-exclusive year? Or did you conceal this from her? If you did tell her, how did she respond? 

As you know, herpes is forever. There is no cure although there are treatments. She will have to work with an OB doctor to try to give birth vaginally if she has children in the future, and if she is having an active outbreak she will have to have a C-section. She will have to tell anyone she dates in the future that she has herpes. These things will have a major impact on her life. So you can't be surprised that she's angry, frightened and upset with you.

Unfortunately this is just one of those difficult things that life sometimes brings. 

[WalterSobcha]

37 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I presume you had unprotected sex with someone else.

Herpes is highly contagious and can be transmitted even if you wear a condom. So basically, if you are having sex with someone who has herpes, chances are you are bound to catch it eventually, even if you are careful and clean.

[Kwothe28]

Yeah, I dont think you can recover from giving somebody an STD. She is angry for a good reason and dont think you can make this right. Just leave it alone.

[DarkCh0c0]

You both didn't get tested before sleeping together?

How old are both of you? You were running wild and having sex with different partners without getting tested? That's irresponsible sex. You need to get tested between partners. I hope you have contacted all your previous partners and informed them of your STD. They need to know. Or, you can ask the clinic to call them for you if they have that service.

As for your ex, well she's right to be mad. Tough lesson for her to ask a man to disclose his STI results before sleeping with him. I totally understand her anger.

I suggest you let her go for now. It's probably her deal-breaker. She might or not come around. Focus on healing yourself and getting proper treatment. I'm sorry it's like this. I wish you a speedy recovery.

[WalterSobcha]

4 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

I wish you a speedy recovery.

You don't "recover" from genital herpes. It really is forever.

[boltnrun]

4 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

You both didn't get tested before sleeping together?

I don't know if it's still the case, but I was told there is no test for herpes unless there is an active outbreak. There may be a blood test but I believe you have to specifically ask for it.

Medical professionals can weigh in with more expertise.

[DarkCh0c0]

5 minutes ago, WalterSobcha said:

You don't "recover" from genital herpes. It really is forever.

I'm aware. I meant from the outbreak if he's having one.

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, WalterSobcha said:

You don't "recover" from genital herpes. It really is forever.

This is true, unfortunately. My good friend was diagnosed in 1987 and she still gets outbreaks.

[DarkCh0c0]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

I don't know if it's still the case, but I was told there is no test for herpes unless there is an active outbreak. There may be a blood test but I believe you have to specifically ask for it.

Where I am, I actively ask for it as part of the STD tests. It's an STD after all, and sadly a life affecting one, so I always include it.

[smackie9]

Give it time. She's in shock, probably has a million questions, needs to process it all. She needs to understand the virus can hibernate for any length of time, and skin on skin even with a condom can't protect. There is always a risk. So you did all the right things, BUT maybe didn't educate yourself enough about symptoms etc. Maybe, just maybe, once she has time to process this she will start talking to you again. 

 

[catfeeder]

11 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

She needs to understand the virus can hibernate for any length of time,

Yes, and she may or may not ever understand this, depending on how interested she might become in researching it.

You could have been carrying the virus prior to even knowing her. OR, unlikely but possible: she may have contracted it earlier, despite no penetration, because this is a skin-to-skin transmission rather than a blood barrier transmission.

So, for your own head, don't cast yourself as a villain here. This is about biology, not morality. And neither of you actually knows which of you contracted the virus or how.

This is not something I'd ever try to 'sell' her. If she loves you enough, she may research and learn the realities on her own and someday approach you.

Do NOT approach her, with anything, at any time. If the two of you can ever reconcile, it will need to come from her, because she's the one who pulled away.

I'm so sorry for all of your pain, and my heart goes out to you.

 

[Lambert]

the part I don't understand is why you didn't look into your breakout?

[HeartGoesOn]

4 hours ago, drizzy135 said:

I must have got it when we were not exclusive but still having sex.

Did you understand the consequences, or did you ignore the facts and simply roll the dice?

At any rate, there are many lessons to be learned here, before going forward. I wish you well...

 

[Starlight925]

There is a blood test for herpes, the IGG antibodies test.  Positive antibodies show that the virus is present, with antibodies present to surround the virus.

That being said, OP, I am honestly very sorry you went through this.  I believe that you didn't know, and that you wore protection, but that you now have learned a very hard lesson.

Yes, you actually do have to share this with everyone you date in the future.  Legally, I believe, as once you are aware, there can be legal action against you if a future partner becomes infected.

This is not a death sentence, nor is it a sign that you will never find a relationship, or that she will never find a partner.  There are so many HSV-2 positive people out there, and many will be ok to date someone who is positive.  It is so much more common than people think.

The important thing is, not only tell your future partners, but don't have sex at all during the prodromal stage (that stage where you feel like a lesion is coming on), or the actual outbreak itself.

As for this girl, the best you can do is apologize profusely (I believe you have), and then let her be.

FWIW, I have a very good friend, married now 20+ years to a great guy, with 2 kids.  He's this awesome guy who could have gotten any girl, yet when he met my friend, he fell immediately in love. The kicker...she's HSV-2 positive.  She told him on one of their first dates, and he said....so???

[jul-els]

It can’t be undone now, but you can make it worse for her by continuing to contact her when she doesn’t want it. Just let it go.