Friend broke up with me, ooof

[1a1a]

I asked a friend I hadn’t seen in a while if she’d like to catch up and she replied along the lines of ‘I love you but I feel like we don’t click anymore and I don’t want to catch up’.

Well, that’s certainly a thing that happens. And most people just ice me out so this is quite courteous to formally let me know. 
 

Still stings a little. Maybe the fact it doesn’t sting more reinforces she made the right call (as in I wasn’t invested enough). Maybe I have known many people I was fond of but didn’t click with (the difference between us being for me the fondness is enough for me to maintain the connection). 
 

So, that is that. I wonder what happened between Oct and now that crystallised that for her. I wouldn’t be surprised if she had been feeling it for longer though. At one point she backed off the friendship because she felt like I was wrapped up in my problems and didn’t have mental space to hear hers (which, was surprising to hear because I think if she’d shared them with me I would have listened. And that disconnect might further demonstrate that we’re a bit incompatible.) *sigh*

[Cherylyn]

I'm sorry you were dumped and rejected by your friend.  It happens.  It even happens amongst family members. 

Her 'I love you but feel like we don't click anymore . . ." comment sounds insincere.  She should've omitted the "I love you" part and just wrote that both of you are incompatible with each other and she no longer wishes to invest in the friendship.  A person who loves you doesn't drop you just because they're tired of you.  Her "I love you" statement was hypocritical.

A courteous and kinder way to let you go would've been something like this:  "I'm sorry.  I'm dissolving and exiting this friendship.  We are incompatible.  You were consumed with your problems and you didn't have mental space for mine.  Whether it was a misunderstanding or not, with all due respect, I wish to end the friendship.  Please do not contact me anymore.  Thank you.  Sincerely, ________."  It would've been diplomatic and kinder to give you a text such as what I wrote.  It stings less.

There's nothing you can do about a friendship which either went awry or wasn't meant to be.  All you can do is navigate your future friendships with what you've learned from your previous friendships.  A tip for you:  In order to keep friendships fresh and prevent it from growing stale, back off.  Don't over do it with electronic correspondence or occupy excessive amounts of time for a friend which will lead to fatigue, boredom and burnout.  Also, beware of becoming an 'energy vampire.' 

I have friends from decades ago and we're still very close because we don't bother each other frequently.  We give each other time and space. 

You'll have nice friends in the future.  Hang in there.  Have a Blessed New Year 2023.

[Kwothe28]

Oof, that is just cruel. She could have just said she is busy. Its OK though, at least now you know that you shouldnt count on her for anything.

5 hours ago, 1a1a said:

At one point she backed off the friendship because she felt like I was wrapped up in my problems and didn’t have mental space to hear hers (which, was surprising to hear because I think if she’d shared them with me I would have listened.

Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our problems that we dont notice that other people also want to be heard. You should be careful about that. Still cruel from her to do it in this way.

[Capricorn3]

I understand that you would be hurt, but I actually think kudos to her for being honest.  Way too many people are not true friends and insincere and just string you along.  Sometimes "cruel to be kind" is the right way to go. At least you know where you stand.  I value honesty above insincerity.

I'm sorry you're hurt.

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, 1a1a said:

At one point she backed off the friendship because she felt like I was wrapped up in my problems and didn’t have mental space to hear hers (which, was surprising to hear because I think if she’d shared them with me I would have listened. And that disconnect might further demonstrate that we’re a bit incompatible.) *sigh*

Maybe she's extra sensitive to this kind of thing based on past experiences. 

I wish I'd been more honest with a former friend trying to reenter my life for the past several months.  I found her too wrapped up in her own head/self-absorbed and I didn't need to share "problems" with her but she would go MIA for long periods of time with no apologies, and I felt like she had a very entitled attitude and that typical rules didn't apply to her and it was a turn off.  The last straw was when I'd listened, been supportive, tried to help and she never bothered to acknowledge a very religious holiday she knows about and knows I observe plus she then went MIA for over a year.  I didn't try to contact her either. When she resurfaced over a year later to say "hi" as if no time had passed I was on a family holiday and texted her quickly like that -she then texted how she'd been "thinking about me" and then was "concerned" about my abrupt response. 

So I replied something like -I don't understand -you're thinking about me and was concerned but haven't been in touch in so long? No real response to that. Now she texts every holiday or if I express concern over one of her FB posts (she's an attention monger -I only reply if it's something like an illness she or her son have or an accident -then I comment that I hope all is better soon and like that). I do NOT want to risk being in close touch again -she'd done the MIA thing more than once but over a year is too much for me to give another chance. 

I do feel comfortable keeping in very casual touch and I do care at some level what happens to her and certainly to her son.  Your post made me wonder whether it's fairer to cut the cord as your former friend did.

You've posted before how you get in your own head and how you wanted to reach out to friends because you were needing to let out your extroverted side or something like that - i it possible you gave off a self-absorbed type vibe or energy even if your intentions were otherwise? Are you approachable enough? (Maybe she is extra sensitive-just asking).

What I do on a phone call or in person -if the person starts sharing I give them FULL attention. I mean no interruptions, if in person my device is put away or my body is completely turned away from it.  Good eye contact.  Good follow up questions if the person stops speaking.  Approachable body language.  And especially if it's a tough subject or the person is hesitant to share.  

I also think the "I love you" comment is ridiculous.  Also why had it been awhile -who stopped contacting whom?

I'm sorry you're upset!

[Coily]

On one hand it’s fine that she was blunt about it. It let’s you know not to waste your time with someone who doesn’t value you.

On the other hand, it’s insufferably callous on her part.  She could have simply made a polite excuse and let that time and distance grow naturally. This slap upside the head would sting anyone.

[Starlight925]

While this rejection stings, it's an opportunity to really look at yourself and figure out just what went wrong in this friendship, what your part is in it.  I'd want to truly know, so that I could course correct, if it was me.

I say this after years & years of watching friendships dissolve.  Some of mine, some of friends who no longer speak.  In every single instance, the "dumpee" never understands just WHY.

I had a birthday dinner party earlier this year and invited two friends who no longer speak.  I figured, this might open up the opportunity, with their husbands there, to be cordial, and open the door.  Funny enough, each was out of town that weekend.  The "dumpee" friend is still hurt about this, years later, as the "dumper" friend sent her an email similar to the one you received.

I have 2 other friends now, one is the "dumper".  The "dumpee" has ZERO idea why.  Since it's not my business to tell why (even though I know), I sent them both a text saying we should have a holiday drink together, which is occurring this Tuesday.  Wish me luck, lol.

In almost every single case, the "dumper" feels that they were not listened to, heard, or validated.  

I left a friendship about 10 years ago for this reason, and in the past couple of years, she reached back out, so we are back in touch.  I do love her (so I think that CAN be true of what your friend said), but I can't stand how she interrupts me constantly.  I'm telling her about something important to me, and mid-sentence, she says, "I like that shirt.  Where'd you get it?", etc.

Whereas, like @Batya33 says, when someone talks to me, it's full on attention.  Phone's silent, in my purse.  Texts can be responded to later.  A friend recently didn't respond to my text for about 2 hours, and when she did, she apologized, but she was on the phone with someone else and wanted to give them her full attention.  I told her, no apology necessary, and how much I appreciate that!  She then said, ok Starlight, full attention to you....what's up?  

[1a1a]

Appreciating the perspectives. 
 

I’ve certainly been unfriended many times before and mostly in that quiet, always busy when invited out kind of way and there have been times in the past where I’ve felt varying degrees of hurt by that. Like they checked out of the friendship and didn’t bother to tell me. I think I might have come to a place of acceptance of that method now, I see it happen, read between the lines, get the hint. To have it formally stated really does stir in one a desire to ask why or to bargain. (Turns out there’s a movie in the cinema at the moment on this very topic called The Banshees of Inisherin)

 

She definitely is a sensitive sort. Not even the first sensitive soul to end a friendship with me (while expressing some kind of continued care, just from a distance). Maybe there are things in a friendship she wants and likes that I don’t do and she never expressed wanting them. (Judging by how she interacted with me though, giving gifts and maybe way more regular phone calls are things that she likes and would make her feel cared for. Actually I have a small stock pile of gifts to give to her by now but we’ve seen each other all of once or twice this year and on the catch-up days I forgot to bring them. Didn’t realise how limited edition those would be!)

 

Thinking about how enjoyable her company was in the first place, we did have good experiences together or we wouldn’t have gravitated towards each other. I suppose we tried it out, being friends, and as we got to know each other better it didn’t turn out to be a good fit. 

[1a1a]

Additional contemplation. There have been a few times over the last half a year where she’s given me a call, usually kind of later in the evening and I’ve missed it. I send a text the next day but maybe she wants and needs a friend that’s available to pick up those calls, maybe even makes some herself (I’m not much of a phone call person. )

Maybe further indication that she’s right that we don’t click. (Although clicking for me feels more like a vibe in person. Which, maybe she’s right about that too and I just have a higher threshold for the absence of click before I don’t want to see someone anymore. )

Ahhh, more opportunity to practice letting go. 

 

[Jibralta]

Is this the friend with the engagement party?

[1a1a]

No, a different one. (I think that friendship not alive and also not dead, on ice perhaps. Last interaction was a bit of chitchat after she messaged to thank me for coming to what turned out to be her wedding).

[Jibralta]

5 hours ago, 1a1a said:

Maybe further indication that she’s right that we don’t click. (Although clicking for me feels more like a vibe in person. Which, maybe she’s right about that too and I just have a higher threshold for the absence of click before I don’t want to see someone anymore. )

18 hours ago, 1a1a said:

At one point she backed off the friendship because she felt like I was wrapped up in my problems and didn’t have mental space to hear hers

At the risk of oversimplifying things, it sounds like the two of you were just incompatible. She is the one who realized it (and not you) because she is the one whose needs weren't being met in the friendship.

It sounds to me like she was a little upset with you for not behaving the way that she wanted you to behave, hence the "we don’t click anymore and I don’t want to catch up" statement. I think that was probably a little petty of her. But she may have a difficult time dealing with disappointment--her problem, not yours. 

This 'break up' doesn't make you a bad friend. You simply don't have the same needs that she does, so you didn't realize that she requires a certain amount of maintenance. 

I personally specialize in cultivating low-maintenance friendships. I highly recommend it. I find it makes for a less complicated life.

[catfeeder]

19 hours ago, 1a1a said:

I asked a friend I hadn’t seen in a while if she’d like to catch up and she replied along the lines of ‘I love you but I feel like we don’t click anymore and I don’t want to catch up’.

Ewww, I'm so sorry. Yeah,  that sounds as though there was something about your last interaction that made her angry, and maybe it was her last straw.

Quote

...At one point she backed off the friendship because she felt like I was wrapped up in my problems and didn’t have mental space to hear hers ...

This is valuable information. 

I once had an accidental lesson in the way I related to others. It was caused by a time when my problems were too overwhelming to speak of, yet at the same time, my anxiety was so high that I didn't want to be alone. This prompted me to accept or pursue every possible invitation just so I could 'be' with others.

And 'just be' is what it became. I was so exhausted that my energy was too low to engage my typical 'entertaining' personality And guess what happened? During each interaction I ended up feeling like I was actually getting to know this person in a way that would have never occurred to me before.

Once I was too tired to get in my own way, holy smokes--all my relationships blossomed. I became cognizant of how much I valued each of these people during a time when I needed to forget my own troubles, and I felt rewarded every single time.

I became the best listener I'd ever been in my life. I encouraged others to keep going, say more. I asked questions or stayed quiet and allowed the last thing another said to either ring true to themselves, or ring false, or ring a bell of recognition of a connection with something else. I avoided giving advice or matching stories. I laughed when I could tell they wanted to laugh. I let them cry. I said or did nothing to interrupt, invalidate or dismiss, even accidentally, because I didn't have my own stuff sitting on deck to 'get to'.

This didn't mean that I was secretive, I'd answer stuff, I just didn't take over. 

I have since found no better way to 'normalize' myself beyond my problems. An occasional vent here or there, maybe, if I can make it quick and turn it into an opening for equal-opportunity sharing.

This time in my life had me raising the question, "Why couldn't I have seen this and done this earlier?"

5 hours ago, 1a1a said:

...There have been a few times over the last half a year where she’s given me a call, usually kind of later in the evening and I’ve missed it. I send a text the next day but maybe she wants and needs a friend that’s available to pick up those calls, maybe even makes some herself (I’m not much of a phone call person. )

Yeah, relegating someone to a text-only friend when they want to talk is kinda ... not good.

Maybe teaching yourself how to become more of a phone person, even if just for the sake of concern for others, might be a useful skill to have in your pocket for when someone might need you?

Head high, we all learn from living. Write more if it helps.

[catfeeder]

49 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

This 'break up' doesn't make you a bad friend. You simply don't have the same needs that she does, so you didn't realize that she requires a certain amount of maintenance. 

This can certainly be true. I would consider whether I might have ran-over this person with my own self-involvement, and if that answer is a 'no,' then she may be someone who tries to assign a therapist role to people who have never claimed to want that.

[Lambert]

I think it's pretty common to end friendships. that's why the long- lasting ones are so special.

 

[Ironman3]

On 12/26/2022 at 4:20 AM, 1a1a said:

I asked a friend I hadn’t seen in a while if she’d like to catch up and she replied along the lines of ‘I love you but I feel like we don’t click anymore and I don’t want to catch up’.

Well, that’s certainly a thing that happens. And most people just ice me out so this is quite courteous to formally let me know. 
 

Still stings a little. Maybe the fact it doesn’t sting more reinforces she made the right call (as in I wasn’t invested enough). Maybe I have known many people I was fond of but didn’t click with (the difference between us being for me the fondness is enough for me to maintain the connection). 
 

So, that is that. I wonder what happened between Oct and now that crystallised that for her. I wouldn’t be surprised if she had been feeling it for longer though. At one point she backed off the friendship because she felt like I was wrapped up in my problems and didn’t have mental space to hear hers (which, was surprising to hear because I think if she’d shared them with me I would have listened. And that disconnect might further demonstrate that we’re a bit incompatible.) *sigh*

Yup, certainly a thing that happens. There's something about the time and headspace friendship happens in. I have looked at some of my friends and thought "how did we ever come to be?", especially the ones you don't think will be in touch later end up staying forever. I value my friends a lot and always look for ways to connect with people. Connecting with new people, keeping meaningful people in my life and being there for them is very fulfilling for me. And this has happened more times than I can remember. What I tell myself is, it happens sometimes and it's not you and it's not them. You can't force things and definitely can't make people feel things they don't want to, even if their current feeling is a misunderstanding. Leave them be, it will happen if it has to. I also appreciate her honesty in openly telling you. Most people prefer to ghost you for whatever their reasons. 

[Batya33]

I thought again about the "I love you but don't want to be your friend".  I had a close friend for over 10 years -we met as neighbors in the same high rise in the late 90s! But she got flakier and flakier, then went through a messy divorce with two kids and 10 years into the friendship I moved away.  Over the last 5 years she will pop in with a message or card and often want to talk/plan a phone call -I'll give options for phone call and then she goes MIA sometimes for close to a year.  Her life is a bit train wreckish.  

Lately she's been in touch a bit more and I realize -I do adore her (love? I guess?) and I do feel connected -we have history! I was at both her daughter's christenings and helped get them ready, was at her wedding,etc.  She is a good person and very giving and generous and thoughtful.

I do adore her AND I would never make a plan with her when we plan to be in our hometown. I simply can't trust her to show up and we have so little time when we make those trips lately to see family and some friends.  So I wouldn't break up with her so to speak even though I've felt like it but I have much much stricter boundaries so I don't get subjected to her flakiness.  

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I thought again about the "I love you but don't want to be your friend".  

...I realize ...

I do adore her AND I would never make a plan with her

Yes! This does happen, too.

I don't view it as hypocritical to recognize that some people are best loved from far away. I feel this way about several people, each for different reasons. I cannot be around them even while I still love them.

 

[1a1a]

Today she popped up in my news feed sitting and smiling in a field of nasturtiums. Beautiful picture of a pretty good egg. 
 

Still bumped the scab though. I had a look at her timeline. The last post was from Feb, her talking about managing to keep alive a peace lily I’d given her for Christmas, she was elated. (One of the rare times I stepped up to the present plate). That’s it, no further posts till this profile pic update. 
 

I’ve been in two minds about removing her from Facebook, is that just my ego talking, demanding a consequence for her kindly ripping the band aid off. And my mind wants to do that tying itself in pretzels double think thing what if she was afraid we weren’t friends anymore because of low contact and that message had been a test, how would 1a1a react? Would she fight to save the friendship? (No 1a1a, pointless line of thinking, why would you want to be friends with someone who communicated their needs that obliquely?!)

 

Then I thought, we were friends in feb and in the intervening year that ceased to be and that is very common and normal and ok, and it’s ok to disconnect on Facebook too. We’re not friends in real life anymore. She formally stated that. Why on earth be pretend friends on a social media site and leave yourself a window into the life of someone who actively does not want you to be a part of it?! 

[Batya33]

I would unfriend.  I was unfriended by a woman who went MIA on me in 2017, politely responded to a few of my emails -one was about a storm that affected her family and one was when her husband passed away last year (he got sick around the time she went MIA and no I don't feel badly that I wasn't "there" for her as I reached out about the storm a couple of months after she went MIA) - she told me where I could donate $ in his memory -I'd known the husband separately/independently and I did. I discovered she unfriended me but her husband's brother did not so I "see" posts by her.  

You also can just unfollow.  I've done that.

[Cherylyn]

I say, "Good riddance!"  If some people are going to act that way, you're better off not having a friend like that.  You deserve to have a friend who treats you better, treats you with respect, likes you, has enthusiasm to be a real friend and spend time with you.  Everyone else is a waste of your precious time and energy. 

[Starlight925]

Re:  Unfriending.  

Interesting that she hasn't unfriended you.

I left a friendship 1 1/2 years ago.  I emailed her with quite a long explanation as to why.  She is not on social media at all, but her husband is, as are two of her best friends that I met through her.  Interestingly, none have unfriended  me, and I suspect it is to they can "keep tabs" on me.  One even likes my posts.

You know what?  I really don't care.   Let them see a picture that gets posted while I'm doing something.  What does it really matter?

I agree with the advice above to hide her for now, so you're not viewing her posts.