Need advice on my boyfriend's communication

[wadadada]

(English isn't my first language so please bear with me)

Me (F23) and my boyfriend (F26) have been dating for two months now. He works part-time a lot and this means that his time we can hang out varies from day today and from week to week. In the beginning, before we were officially dating, he used to text me a couple of times a day but recently his texts have been slower and slower, to the point that I usually have to wait two days for him to text me back. This wouldn’t bother me that much if it wasn’t for the fact that I am a graduating master's student who also doesn’t have a lot of time in the week, and I usually only text him about when and or where to meet up next. So it’s kind of frustrating that I also cannot plan my week because his responses have been so slow.

Also, this was from the beginning however, he is very private with his phone which I respect because we’ve only been dating for a short while and I literally have no business being in his phone anyway. But my previous relationship,  ended with my ex cheating on me, also becoming distant and also kind of hiding his phone for me. Said, ex was a gaslighting and toxic person, and also the reason why I have trouble bringing up more serious topics in conversation in a relationship because he always start a narrative and made it look like I was starting a fight when I was just calmly trying to tell him what had been bothering me.

I have never accused my current boyfriend of cheating (or been angry to him about the texting), but because of the way my previous relationship affected me I have becoming anxious about the fact that he might be cheating because of the way he’s texting behaviour has changed lately in combination with him being private about his phone on the regular. When I quickly tried bringing up in a conversation that his texting has been slower and slower, he apologised and told me that his work has been crazy lately.

I would love to have a healthy conversation about this to either find a compromise or just at least have a talk about it because I don’t want him to feel pressured to text, but I also want to stop feeling anxious like this. I’ve talked about it a couple of friends and they don’t think he’s cheating and that I should be too anxious about this, but I thought it would help to get an outside perspective on this which is why I’m making this post. Thank you for any answers in advance.

(FYI, I know I need to work on myself and my insecurities so please be nice to me lol)

[MissCanuck]

I don't necessarily think he is cheating, but he also doesn't seem as interested in the relationship as you do. 

If his communication is already slowing down after just 2 months, it's not a good sign. It's one thing not to be tied to one's phone, but it's another to take 2 days to reply to one's own girlfriend. 

I'm sorry. I think this is fizzling out for him. 

[DarkCh0c0]

56 minutes ago, wadadada said:

but recently his texts have been slower and slower, to the point that I usually have to wait two days for him to text me back.

Two days?!!

This is not how healthy communication works. Why can't he text you back same day? His excuse is work, but the reality is you're settling for scraps and he's not that into you. HE is not that into you. When you see how someone treats you with his actions so poorly, believe his actions and not his words.

In your shoes, I would text the guy and tell him this isn't working out for you. Wish him well and then block him.

In a healthy relationship you would be a priority and not an option. There's no need to self-doubt again and play victim here. Just cut any man off your life who doesn't treat you as you would treat him. 

I'm sorry. I know it's scary, but don't settle for scraps. When you stay with him you show him you're okay with being treated like an option. So, have the courage to kick him to the curb 💪

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, wadadada said:

In the beginning, before we were officially dating, he used to text me a couple of times a day but recently his texts have been slower and slower, to the point that I usually have to wait two days for him to text me back.

If he could do it before, but cant do it now, he is slowly fading away and checking out. Wouldnt be  surprised if there is "I just dont have time for a relationship" BS talk coming soon. 

Doesnt mean that he is cheating though. People are checking out from relationship from various reason. However it is concerning and  something that you shoud take as a red flag.

[wadadada]

Thank you for the replies! It's nice to have my feelings validated because I had been feeling like I was going crazy and was maybe overreacting. 

We have two-day trip together next week for Christmas that's already booked and payed for so I will have a proper conversation about it during that. Again I'm not good at 'confrontation' like this. But thanks to your replies I know I can stand my ground and let go of him if he's not willing to change this. 

Thank you all for the insight! (update might follow after Christmas)

(also I obviously meant my "boyfriend (M26)" lol)

[SherrySher]

You're both young and this is a new relationship. But if I am going to be honest, two days to reply back to you, is a red flag.

He is either not as interested anymore, or he is looking elsewhere.

 

[Wiseman2]

22 minutes ago, wadadada said:

We have two-day trip together next week for Christmas that's already booked and payed for so I will have a proper conversation about it during that. 

Does he ignore your texts? You seem to have insight that your previous experience may be influencing being anxious about the texting.

It doesn't seem like he is cheating but you may want to talk to him about planning dates in advance. Focus on texts that are informative and suggest where and when to see each other.

You don't need to "confront" him but just mention that you would like to be more organized about getting together. Focus more on that rather than the frequency of texting. It's important to find the balance between coming across as clingy and coming across as enthused about planning dates.

[wadadada]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Does he ignore your texts? You seem to have insight that your previous experience may be influencing being anxious about the texting.

I mean lately he replies late, but when he does we always manage to set up a time to meet. He's never cancelled on those dates and is very attentive during them, so I guess I wouldn't really call it ignoring perse. Which is why I've been feeling so conflicted about the situation. 

15 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You don't need to "confront" him but just mention that you would like to be more organized about getting together. Focus more on that rather than the frequency of texting. It's important to find the balance between coming across as clingy and coming across as enthused about planning dates.

I'll try and see where that conversation brings me!! I'm currently (maybe naively so) holding onto the hope that we can find a solution/middle ground by properly addressing this and having a healthy conversation/discussion about it. 

[MissCanuck]

Ask yourself this: would you ignore his messages for 2 days?

If not, why not? I am assume because you are happy to hear from him and eager to speak with or see him. 

Now ask yourself this: What does it tell you that he doesn't bother replying for days at a time? 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, wadadada said:

Thank you for the replies! It's nice to have my feelings validated because I had been feeling like I was going crazy and was maybe overreacting. 

We have two-day trip together next week for Christmas that's already booked and payed for so I will have a proper conversation about it during that. Again I'm not good at 'confrontation' like this. But thanks to your replies I know I can stand my ground and let go of him if he's not willing to change this. 

Thank you all for the insight! (update might follow after Christmas)

(also I obviously meant my "boyfriend (M26)" lol)

I agree with the others and I can imagine you're upset at this sort of treatment. No need to confront -show through your actions.  Make plans on your own if he doesn't get back to you promptly and be casual and lighthearted "I didn't hear from you so I made other plans" -if he cares he'll step up to the plate and get back to you(he has a job, right - imagine if he didn't respond to a request for a meeting or to set up a time to do a project?)

Why does he do part time? Has he shown admiration for your accomplishments in pursuing a grad degree? I don't think he needs to show you his phone for any reason (I'm married -my husband and I don't look at each other's phones and we show each other if there's a reason like a text or a photo meant for both of us and we don't know each other's passwords and have never asked).

For about half of my 24 dating years we mostly had landlines and, later, answering machines and voicemail  -yes, before you were born -I stopped dating in 2005.  And guess what -people got back to each other promptly if they cared - the standards were different because there was no way to be able to talk daily with a landline if you didn't have access -but we made plans in advance, we showed up on time (yes, even without cell phones) etc  

I would give this guy twice the space he needs and do not confront -he's an adult -show him how to treat you by not being so available if he can't be bothered to send a text in a reasonable amount of time. 

No need to lecture or have some deep talk about Communication.  This is basic stuff, common sense and basic courtesy and respect.  When you find someone who cares about you -I'm not talking loves you to the end of the earth -just cares in all the right ways - you won't ever have to wonder about the person's reliability in general (we all make mistakes/ mess up/think we texted but didn't/get caught up and forget -but this is the exception never the rule).  Teach someone how to treat you by holding your head high, having good boundaries  - let his mom and dad and kindergarten teacher teach him basic manners.

Good luck!

[Wiseman2]

57 minutes ago, wadadada said:

 hope that we can find a solution/middle ground by properly addressing this and having a healthy conversation/discussion about it. 

Why don't you text him more often? The alternative is asking him to change his behavior and text you more often.

Keep in mind that texting is not dating. Dating is dating. So what happens in person is more important.

It's possible he's relaxing and feeling more comfortable but you're panicked he's losing interest, which seems unlikely given the dates and planned upcoming trip.

How often do you typically see each other? 

 

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Keep in mind that texting is not dating. Dating is dating. So what happens in person is more important.

I thought she was referring to him not responding also to plan when to see each other -that is dating - you have to have two people who want to be together and put in the effort to make that happen with care and thoughtfulness whether by telegram or text.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, wadadada said:

 I quickly tried bringing up in a conversation that his texting has been slower and slower, he apologised 

Don't revolve your life around him after 60 days dating. You already talked to him about it so repeating yourself seems like nagging. Step back.  The solution is observation not repeated talks that don't yield much. Try to put the past behind you and date with confidence and careful observation rather than jumping in with both feet, then wanting to fix and change things. Unfortunately the solution to not being heard, is not talking more.

[wadadada]

43 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Why does he do part time? Has he shown admiration for your accomplishments in pursuing a grad degree?

He just does part time to pay for his rent until he can find a more permanent full time job. And yes! he has shown admiration for my grad degree! Also like your suggestion, I have been keeping busy with both school and my friends who live close to me here so it's not like I'm waiting all day for him to reply.

51 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

(we all make mistakes/ mess up/think we texted but didn't/get caught up and forget -but this is the exception never the rule)

the two day thing has only been happening fairly recently, and like I said it happens to be a busy period for him (part-timers usually get more hours in December nearing the holidays, this was also the case when I worked my student job), which is why I've mostly let it slide for now. 

I will see where it gets me! At the end of the day his irl behavior very loving

Thanks for the advice!! 🙂

[wadadada]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why don't you text him more often? The alternative is asking him to change his behavior and text you more often.

Keep in mind that texting is not dating. Dating is dating. So what happens in person is more important.

It's possible he's relaxing and feeling more comfortable but you're panicked he's losing interest, which seems unlikely given the dates and planned upcoming trip.

How often do you typically see each other? 

 

I just don't feel like blowing up his phone or texting more is the solution for this. I agree with you on the fact that the irl stuff is more important!! We see each other about once a week usually by the way.

56 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Don't revolve your life around him after 60 days dating. You already talked to him about it so repeating yourself seems like nagging. Step back.  The solution is observation not repeated talks that don't yield much. 

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I thought she was referring to him not responding also to plan when to see each other -that is dating - 

It really was just in a passing conversation like "your texting has been so slow lately" "oh yeah sorry work has been insane lately" and then we just started talking about the next thing. So do still think it might be best to maybe just express myself more clearly on the matter once and see where it goes after? Because like Batya33 said it's mostly about the texts for making plans, and it can get annoying when those don't really get a response as fast.

I appreciate your insight!! Thank you!!

[Andrina]

6 hours ago, wadadada said:

he is very private with his phone

What exactly does he do with it? Of course, other people shouldn't be snooping, but if a person has nothing to hide, they just set it on a coffee table and are comfortable leaving it there when you're in the living room and they leave to go to the bathroom, etc. So, yes, it's important to note if he guards it like a vulture over carrion.

What's his relationship history? Are you two exclusive? Do you ever let him be the one to initiate getting together, or is you doing so all or the majority of the time? Have you met any of his friends? How often does he text others in your presence?

Too busy to text? People text while sitting on the toilet, LOL. People take lunch/dinner breaks, and can be replying to a text between bites.

There are some things it's great to communicate about for improvement in a relationship, but in this case, I likely wouldn't even bother. If guy isn't excited to connect with me at least a few times a day, it'd be a clear sign to me that he's just not that into me.

During my dating years, I learned if a guy didn't make it crystal clear how into me he was, I was wasting my time.

Good luck and keep us updated.

[wadadada]

14 minutes ago, Andrina said:

What's his relationship history? Are you two exclusive? Do you ever let him be the one to initiate getting together, or is you doing so all or the majority of the time? Have you met any of his friends? How often does he text others in your presence?

To answer your questions:

He has dated a couple of people before me, and yes we are exclusive. He does initiate getting together as well, I'd say its 60% me 40% him. I've met a couple of his friends, and he rarely texts or checks his phone when we're together but that was also the case when we were hanging out with said friends.

16 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Too busy to text? People text while sitting on the toilet, LOL. People take lunch/dinner breaks, and can be replying to a text between bites.

I also thought the same, but I've also avoided texting people back for DAYS because of depressive episodes so idk. Which is why I'm gonna properly talk about it next week, and if it gets me nowhere I have all the information I need I guess.

Thanks for the reply!

[DarkCh0c0]

44 minutes ago, wadadada said:

I've also avoided texting people back for DAYS because of depressive episodes so idk

You're trying to make excuses for his unacceptable behaviour.

Keep in mind that if someone is too depressed to text back, then they are not ready to be in a relationship.

[smackie9]

5 hours ago, wadadada said:

Thank you for the replies! It's nice to have my feelings validated because I had been feeling like I was going crazy and was maybe overreacting. 

We have two-day trip together next week for Christmas that's already booked and payed for so I will have a proper conversation about it during that. Again I'm not good at 'confrontation' like this. But thanks to your replies I know I can stand my ground and let go of him if he's not willing to change this. 

Thank you all for the insight! (update might follow after Christmas)

(also I obviously meant my "boyfriend (M26)" lol)

I wouldn't recommend having a serious chat about his behavior during what is to be a time of joy and reconnection. Let it be stress free and fun. Let him see what he has been missing. There's a time and place to sit down and have a conversation about issues, and on vacation isn't it. 

Just think about it....just imagine you are set to have some relaxation, and fun, and all of a sudden your BF starts into you about something. Total buzz kill. 

[wadadada]

9 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

I wouldn't recommend having a serious chat about his behavior during what is to be a time of joy and reconnection. Let it be stress free and fun. Let him see what he has been missing. There's a time and place to sit down and have a conversation about issues, and on vacation isn't it. 

Just think about it....just imagine you are set to have some relaxation, and fun, and all of a sudden your BF starts into you about something. Total buzz kill. 

Fair point

[DarkCh0c0]

7 hours ago, wadadada said:

We have two-day trip together next week for Christmas that's already booked and payed for so I will have a proper conversation about it during that. 

Okay, let me explain.

You cannot have a conversation about how someone is knowingly treating you. It's not useful.

It's like you're asking someone why they are stealing and whether they aren't aware that stealing is wrong. ALL adults know stealing is wrong and so having to have that convo is just a waste of time. Your bf is an adult and he knowingly texts you late. He actively doesn't give you some time of his day to reply back on time. He forgets your existence for a couple of days while he's working or seeing other people, and then he remembers to get back to you.

I'd say, if you absolutely can't leave that trip, enjoy it but don't talk about this. Once the trip ends, move in separate ways.

Don't act out of desperation. You are worthy and deserve better 💚

[Coily]

Probably in the minority here; but the texting regularity could be genuinely be him being busy and stressed at work. It could also be that texting is not in his method of communication and that early on he was wanting to put on the facade to develop the relationship. (Not painting him in a good light either.)

I think it's clear that you both need to communicate about how to communicate if you want to give this relationship more time. Perhaps it would be better to switch to phone conversations over texts for time critical planning.

 

[Jaunty]

How often do you actually see each other?

[MissCanuck]

Be careful not to make too many excuses for him, OP. 

I say don't bring it up again. Step back and observe. Watch what he's inclined to do on his own, without any nudging from you. 

That will tell you where his interest really is at this point, even if it's not what you want to see. 

[SherrySher]

2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Be careful not to make too many excuses for him, OP. 

I say don't bring it up again. Step back and observe. Watch what he's inclined to do on his own, without any nudging from you. 

That will tell you where his interest really is at this point, even if it's not what you want to see. 

I agree. You want his attention and interest to be authentic and not out of force or guilt.