Lightning Energy

[OldSoulPH]

I am writing to ask for genuine, non-judgmental words of wisdom for a difficult situation.

I have been married to “Kate” for almost 8 years, together for almost 10. Like any couple, we have had our fair share of ups and downs.  About 1.5 years after our wedding, Kate and I attended a gathering of a few of her friends from college whom I had not met yet.  Long story short, I developed a crush on Kate’s friend “Melissa,” who is single.  I didn’t think too much of it at the time but I unintentionally found myself thinking about Melissa far more often than I should have.  It definitely was not love at first sight, but after spending more time with her (in a group setting), the passion for her continued to grow.  We could talk for hours and she could instinctively understand me.  After about a year of knowing Melissa, we again attended another gathering of friends.  When we met that night, we made eye contact for about 3 seconds, and I felt like I had been struck by lightning, a feeling that I have never felt with any other woman.  Ever since then (about 5 years), I knew that this was way more than a crush.  The happiness and comfort I feel when with her is beyond surreal, and it’s very possible that Kate sensed it and became jealous and/or threatened.  I have never cheated on Kate, but she has since greatly reduced the time I can interact with Melissa.  I don’t even think they consider themselves friends anymore.

Yes, I am well aware that even if I had a chance with Melissa, it may not have worked out.  However, mourning the loss of this potential relationship has taken its toll on me over the years.

I am not a strong believer in the sayings “if it’s meant to be, it will happen.” This adage takes choice out of the equation, as we choose who to let into our lives.  Any relationship takes work as well, from both people. Surely the divorce rate would be much lower if this saying were true.

So what I am asking:

If you are a man responding to this, how have you dealt with intense feelings for another woman, and the anger/frustration that came with not meeting her first?

If you are a woman responding to this, what goes through your mind if you develop this lightning energy with a married man? What do you then do about it?

Any other details that are needed, please let me know.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

Is Melissa interested in you? You wouldn't be lusting after someone this intensely if things were right with your marriage and inside yourself.

Perhaps unpack and sort this out with a therapist because you know it's hurting your wife that you've chosen to check out of the marriage and live in a fantasy.

[Batya33]

I think you experienced the lightning energy because of your dissatisfaction with Kate mostly not because Melissa is all that. Plus it's safe because she is basically unavailable to you and always has been.  So I see your options are -commit to reinvigorating the spark with Kate either on your own or with a counselor and/or marriage counselor or leave the marriage and a year after your divorce is final consider dating again. 

I wouldn't look for instant lightning energy or leave it up to fate in this situation because it's a much better approach and look if you take responsibility for the fact that you can control your reactions to feelings even if you can't control your feelings and the "meant to be" has no real place when you've taken marriage vows -meaning you promised "for better or for worse" and you don't get a pass for "well I can't help it as it was meant to be."

[OldSoulPH]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is Melissa interested in you? You wouldn't be lusting after someone this intensely if things were right with your marriage and inside yourself.

Perhaps unpack and sort this out with a therapist because you know it's hurting your wife that you've chosen to check out of the marriage and live in a fantasy.

While it’s pretty clear in my mind for a number of reasons that Melissa feels the same way about me, you make a valid point. Very much appreciated.

[OldSoulPH]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I think you experienced the lightning energy because of your dissatisfaction with Kate mostly not because Melissa is all that. Plus it's safe because she is basically unavailable to you and always has been.  So I see your options are -commit to reinvigorating the spark with Kate either on your own or with a counselor and/or marriage counselor or leave the marriage and a year after your divorce is final consider dating again. 

I wouldn't look for instant lightning energy or leave it up to fate in this situation because it's a much better approach and look if you take responsibility for the fact that you can control your reactions to feelings even if you can't control your feelings and the "meant to be" has no real place when you've taken marriage vows -meaning you promised "for better or for worse" and you don't get a pass for "well I can't help it as it was meant to be."

Thank you very much. I completely agree.

[Andrina]

10 hours ago, OldSoulPH said:

but after spending more time with her (in a group setting), the passion for her continued to grow.  We could talk for hours and she could instinctively understand me.  

Basically, you crossed relationship boundaries. The people you share chemistry with, outside of your marriage, are the exact people you should avoid hours-long, emotional talks with. Just as if you had a co-worker you think you would have liked to date if you were single, you don't regularly ask them to lunch, you don't stop at their desks daily for long chats. You don't exchange phone numbers, etc.

It's common to enter into emotional affairs when you're lacking an emotional disconnection with your primary partner. 

In fairness to your wife, you have only two choices. End all contact with her friend, and work on reestablishing an emotional connection with your wife. There are articles and books to inform you how to do this, and as mentioned, marital counseling.

If what's broken can't be repaired, divorce. Your wife doesn't deserve a man who sees her as being in the way of his happiness. Free her so she can find someone who is crazy about her.

As for the friend, you will totally think this is ridiculous because you're so enamored, but don't be surprised if she doesn't end up being the prized gf you've dreamed of. Though I do engage in chats with my husband's guy friends, I wouldn't engage in hours-long emotional chats that would leave his wife uncomfortable. And even if a friend and her husband divorced amicably, her ex would be totally off-limits for someone I'd date. This woman's kindness factor, common sense, and ethics are questionable IMO.

[OldSoulPH]

35 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Basically, you crossed relationship boundaries. The people you share chemistry with, outside of your marriage, are the exact people you should avoid hours-long, emotional talks with. Just as if you had a co-worker you think you would have liked to date if you were single, you don't regularly ask them to lunch, you don't stop at their desks daily for long chats. You don't exchange phone numbers, etc.

It's common to enter into emotional affairs when you're lacking an emotional disconnection with your primary partner. 

In fairness to your wife, you have only two choices. End all contact with her friend, and work on reestablishing an emotional connection with your wife. There are articles and books to inform you how to do this, and as mentioned, marital counseling.

If what's broken can't be repaired, divorce. Your wife doesn't deserve a man who sees her as being in the way of his happiness. Free her so she can find someone who is crazy about her.

As for the friend, you will totally think this is ridiculous because you're so enamored, but don't be surprised if she doesn't end up being the prized gf you've dreamed of. Though I do engage in chats with my husband's guy friends, I wouldn't engage in hours-long emotional chats that would leave his wife uncomfortable. And even if a friend and her husband divorced amicably, her ex would be totally off-limits for someone I'd date. This woman's kindness factor, common sense, and ethics are questionable IMO.

Thank you for your honesty, I appreciate it.  Much of what you said here is exactly what I keep telling myself, and will most likely seek professional help to work through it.  Part of the issue is that Kate refuses marriage counseling and thinks she is never wrong.  Everything is always my fault (goes back to before Melissa was in the picture).

Kate also recently made the comment that Melissa is morally corrupt, something she never once mentioned in the past 6 years. I haven’t figured out if that is really the truth (as we all have made mistakes throughout life) or if it is just Kate’s angry talk.  Most likely a little of both.  Kate and I usually can’t talk about Melissa without getting into an argument.

Again, thank you for your honesty.

[boltnrun]

Kate knows you have the hots for Melissa. She's probably not blind or stupid. Especially if you can't help yourself from bringing Melissa up.

And if Melissa is encouraging your attention, what kind of morals does she have? By not only engaging in an inappropriate involvement with a married man, but her FRIEND'S HUSBAND? That's next level uncool. 

[OldSoulPH]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

Kate knows you have the hots for Melissa. She's probably not blind or stupid. Especially if you can't help yourself from bringing Melissa up.

And if Melissa is encouraging your attention, what kind of morals does she have? By not only engaging in an inappropriate involvement with a married man, but her FRIEND'S HUSBAND? That's next level uncool. 

Very true, thank you for the reply.

[Capricorn3]

You seriously need a reality check.  Your lovely little fantasy of cheating with Melissa is going to come back and bite you in the a$$.  This is your wife's friend, although she's fast losing the "friend" title if she gets involved with you.  Both you and the "friend" need to back off and you need to focus on your wife and your marriage and at the very least try marriage counseling, or you go for counseling on your own to help you sort out all of your issues.  If none of that works, wait until you are divorced before getting involved in another relationship.

Are their children in the marriage? Does Melissa have children?

When you play with fire, you get burned.

[OldSoulPH]

3 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

You seriously need a reality check.  Your lovely little fantasy of cheating with Melissa is going to come back and bite you in the a$$.  This is your wife's friend, although she's fast losing the "friend" title if she gets involved with you.  Both you and the "friend" need to back off and you need to focus on your wife and your marriage and at the very least try marriage counseling, or you go for counseling on your own to help you sort out all of your issues.  If none of that works, wait until you are divorced before getting involved in another relationship.

Are their children in the marriage? Does Melissa have children?

When you play with fire, you get burned.

Thank you for your honesty.

[MissCanuck]

On 12/2/2022 at 5:53 AM, OldSoulPH said:

what goes through your mind if you develop this lightning energy with a married man? What do you then do about it?

This actually happened to me once, although it wasn't anything drawn out. 

Many years ago I met a man who I clicked with quite nicely. We had chats here and there and he was attractive, and I was attracted to him. 

However, he revealed after a short time that he was married. That brought it all to a screeching halt for me. I stopped talking to him and left it there.

You need to really dig deep and ask yourself why are still married. It is obvious you are not happy and don't really have those deep feelings for your wife. 

[OldSoulPH]

9 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

This actually happened to me once, although it wasn't anything drawn out. 

Many years ago I met a man who I clicked with quite nicely. We had chats here and there and he was attractive, and I was attracted to him. 

However, he revealed after a short time that he was married. That brought it all to a screeching halt for me. I stopped talking to him and left it there.

You need to really dig deep and ask yourself why are still married. It is obvious you are not happy and don't really have those deep feelings for your wife. 

Thank you very much for responding to that area of my question.  What you said makes sense.
 

I feel that I am still married because I vowed to be with Kate for better or worse.  It has been becoming more difficult due to her refusal to seek counseling or other professional help and not being open to the fact that her behavior (disrespect, sometimes verbal abuse) is frequently a problem.  This was going on even before I met Melissa. 

Despite what some may think, my feelings for Melissa developed unintentionally, and I am well aware that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side.  Perhaps this is not entirely about Melissa herself but also about the desire for a woman who treats me better.  Several of my family members have told me I deserve much better than Kate.

[boltnrun]

Then it's time for a serious, sit down talk with your wife.

I had one with my husband when he was completely disregarding me. I told him I was at the point where I was thinking about leaving him. Not for someone else (because there wasn't anyone else) but because he acted like he didn't even want anything to do with me. I said if things didn't change for the better I would be forced to make a tough decision. And he hugged me and said he didn't want to lose me and that he would do whatever it took. So for the next full year we completely focused on us and our child. No outside influences from friends (that was me), no obsession with work (that was him), just being together.

I strongly recommend you do the same. If your wife dismisses your concerns or tells you you're wrong, tell her "then I guess you've made the decision for the both of us" and start looking into your options.

And leave "Melissa" out of it. A quality woman wouldn't go after her so called friend's husband.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, OldSoulPH said:

Thank you very much for responding to that area of my question.  What you said makes sense.
 

I feel that I am still married because I vowed to be with Kate for better or worse.  It has been becoming more difficult due to her refusal to seek counseling or other professional help and not being open to the fact that her behavior (disrespect, sometimes verbal abuse) is frequently a problem.  This was going on even before I met Melissa. 

Despite what some may think, my feelings for Melissa developed unintentionally, and I am well aware that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side.  Perhaps this is not entirely about Melissa herself but also about the desire for a woman who treats me better.  Several of my family members have told me I deserve much better than Kate.

Many feelings are unintentional. How you react to most feelings with very rare exception is intentional.  Your choices here are not an exception -you can control how you react to these feelings.  I'm sorry about your issues in your marriage.

[smackie9]

I have been with my husband for almost 33 years....I tell you we don't have regular ups and downs. The downs are very rare, minute because we have good communication and get along well. When I hear "we have our ups and downs like most people" ...this isn't all that true. This leads me to believe you are not in the best relationship with your wife, and that is why you are mackin for this Melissa. You finally have found someone that is actually your match/communicate well with/and you both support and understand each other....all this is what is lacking in your own marriage. This does happen to a lot of people no doubt and do act on it with happy results. I'm not going to judge here. If you feel that strongly about it, you may as well go for it. I feel this will never be resolved if you stay in your marriage. Your wife doesn't want address anything/communicate, so this I say is why in reality things are not that great with you two. Best of luck in where you do.

[OldSoulPH]

11 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Then it's time for a serious, sit down talk with your wife.

I had one with my husband when he was completely disregarding me. I told him I was at the point where I was thinking about leaving him. Not for someone else (because there wasn't anyone else) but because he acted like he didn't even want anything to do with me. I said if things didn't change for the better I would be forced to make a tough decision. And he hugged me and said he didn't want to lose me and that he would do whatever it took. So for the next full year we completely focused on us and our child. No outside influences from friends (that was me), no obsession with work (that was him), just being together.

I strongly recommend you do the same. If your wife dismisses your concerns or tells you you're wrong, tell her "then I guess you've made the decision for the both of us" and start looking into your options.

And leave "Melissa" out of it. A quality woman wouldn't go after her so called friend's husband.

Thank you - I completely agree.   I have tried that many times with Kate and one or more of the following happens - defensiveness and unwillingness to accept responsibility for her actions, attempting to shift the fault to me, or empty divorce threats of her own. I have lost count of the number of times she has brought up divorce over the most trivial things (even before I knew Melissa), but acts like nothing is wrong later that same day.  It’s very unhealthy to say the least.

I really want Kate to seek professional help but I can’t force her to.  There is only so much a person can take.

[OldSoulPH]

10 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Many feelings are unintentional. How you react to most feelings with very rare exception is intentional.  Your choices here are not an exception -you can control how you react to these feelings.  I'm sorry about your issues in your marriage.

You are absolutely right.  The fact that I even developed feelings for another woman after I was married is something which I am very embarrassed and ashamed.  Nonetheless, I still have had to deal with it internally and sometimes I feel like my soul is in prison. Apart from this message board, the only person who I have told about these feelings is my psychiatrist. But the happiness and comfort I feel around Melissa are probably easily noticeable to those who are with us. It’s tough to say the least.  I can say that I have never met Melissa without Kate being present and never talked about anything inappropriate with Melissa.  But I can see how it can be perceived that a boundary was crossed.  

[OldSoulPH]

10 hours ago, smackie9 said:

I have been with my husband for almost 33 years....I tell you we don't have regular ups and downs. The downs are very rare, minute because we have good communication and get along well. When I hear "we have our ups and downs like most people" ...this isn't all that true. This leads me to believe you are not in the best relationship with your wife, and that is why you are mackin for this Melissa. You finally have found someone that is actually your match/communicate well with/and you both support and understand each other....all this is what is lacking in your own marriage. This does happen to a lot of people no doubt and do act on it with happy results. I'm not going to judge here. If you feel that strongly about it, you may as well go for it. I feel this will never be resolved if you stay in your marriage. Your wife doesn't want address anything/communicate, so this I say is why in reality things are not that great with you two. Best of luck in where you do.

Thank you for your reply - I am very grateful for your perspective.  It’s possible that growing up I was frequently led to believe that all marriages have their fair share of ups and downs, so I was not surprised when my wife and I had our share of issues.  After reading your post I thought back to a few months ago when I was talking to one of my neighbors - a woman in her early to mid 80s whose husband recently passed away.  She told me in 61 years of marriage, they never argued once.  I didn’t think too much of it at the time but now it’s starting to have an impact on my thought process.  Some days my wife and I can’t even go 61 minutes without arguing about something.  It’s not healthy.  The grass may not necessarily be greener on the other side, but what I have been dealing with, especially the last few years, is something I can’t keep up forever.

I definitely don’t want to be alone but don’t want to deal with abuse either.  What also is on my mind…if, hypothetically, I was starting over today being single again.  If, for example, I tried to be with any woman other than Melissa, I feel I would be settling.  Even with no guarantee it would ultimately work out, Melissa is the only woman with whom I have ever felt that intense lightning energy.  Sometimes just the thought of her causes my arms and legs to become numb.  I know it sounds crazy, but that is what I experienced.  It makes everything that much more complicated.  I just wish I knew if lightning could strike twice in the same person.

[spinstermanquee]

Oldsoul,

You're not happy.

Your wife isn't happy.

She suspects you are looking around and it makes her further unhappy.  Worse still, it's her buddy.

Why can't you sit her down and tell her why you are unhappy, get it out in the open where at least it can be examined?  You both have decisions to make.  BTW the "she needs therapy" and other negative comments cast a bad light (sort of like... justification for cheating behavior).

Please don't even include the other woman in your conversations.  That is a total red herring and also the biggest indicator this needs a team approach.  Give your wife the information she needs to make the right decision for her, IMO that is the best way to honor the time and love you have shared in the past - it's not nothing, right?  Say, "We're not on the same page any more and it bothers me.  We're not close anymore.  I don't feel loved.  Do you?  Can we do something about this or is it over?  Let's figure this out together."

From experience I can humbly say, ... it's never one person's fault.  Problems in partnerships always have multiple factors.  I have had to eat my fair share of crow in my long term marriage (that started with lightning energy and magnetic attraction)!

Good luck my dear.  <3<3<3

Edited to add:  Please finish what you're doing now before you start another project 😉

 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, OldSoulPH said:

I really want Kate to seek professional help but I can’t force her to.  There is only so much a person can take.

Two things would help you make decisions.

1. Contact an attorney privately and confidentiality for your options in the event of divorce. Do not tell her or threaten divorce, just inform yourself.

2. Go to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist. Do not tell her or insist she go.. Privately and confidentiality discuss your thoughts with the therapist.

"You need therapy!" Never works. Living in a  fantasy is a poor coping skill for a conflicted marriage. It's just an escape,which is a passive aggressive way to check out, tune your wife out and you know that's just making matters worse.

Therefore you're the one who would benefit from therapy the most. You're not going to fix or change your wife. Especially daydreaming about her friend.

[OldSoulPH]

2 hours ago, spinstermanquee said:

Oldsoul,

You're not happy.

Your wife isn't happy.

She suspects you are looking around and it makes her further unhappy.  Worse still, it's her buddy.

Why can't you sit her down and tell her why you are unhappy, get it out in the open where at least it can be examined?  You both have decisions to make.  BTW the "she needs therapy" and other negative comments cast a bad light (sort of like... justification for cheating behavior).

Please don't even include the other woman in your conversations.  That is a total red herring and also the biggest indicator this needs a team approach.  Give your wife the information she needs to make the right decision for her, IMO that is the best way to honor the time and love you have shared in the past - it's not nothing, right?  Say, "We're not on the same page any more and it bothers me.  We're not close anymore.  I don't feel loved.  Do you?  Can we do something about this or is it over?  Let's figure this out together."

From experience I can humbly say, ... it's never one person's fault.  Problems in partnerships always have multiple factors.  I have had to eat my fair share of crow in my long term marriage (that started with lightning energy and magnetic attraction)!

Good luck my dear.  <3<3<3

Edited to add:  Please finish what you're doing now before you start another project 😉

 

Thank you, very well said.

[OldSoulPH]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Two things would help you make decisions.

1. Contact an attorney privately and confidentiality for your options in the event of divorce. Do not tell her or threaten divorce, just inform yourself.

2. Go to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist. Do not tell her or insist she go.. Privately and confidentiality discuss your thoughts with the therapist.

"You need therapy!" Never works. Living in a  fantasy is a poor coping skill for a conflicted marriage. It's just an escape,which is a passive aggressive way to check out, tune your wife out and you know that's just making matters worse.

Therefore you're the one who would benefit from therapy the most. You're not going to fix or change your wife. Especially daydreaming about her friend.

Thank you, very well said.

[redswim30]

On 12/2/2022 at 9:48 AM, OldSoulPH said:

Thank you for your honesty, I appreciate it.  Much of what you said here is exactly what I keep telling myself, and will most likely seek professional help to work through it.  Part of the issue is that Kate refuses marriage counseling and thinks she is never wrong.  Everything is always my fault (goes back to before Melissa was in the picture).

Kate also recently made the comment that Melissa is morally corrupt, something she never once mentioned in the past 6 years. I haven’t figured out if that is really the truth (as we all have made mistakes throughout life) or if it is just Kate’s angry talk.  Most likely a little of both.  Kate and I usually can’t talk about Melissa without getting into an argument.

Again, thank you for your honesty.

Taking Melissa completely out of the equation, because she's not really the problem here.  

Your marriage is not in good shape.    A marriage in which one party cannot ever admit they are wrong or take responsibility for their actions, is a marriage that is doomed to fail.  Because this requires ONE person to shoulder every issue themselves, which isn't a real partnership.  So either that person reaches a breaking point and leaves or else takes it, but grows resentful and unhappy and often ends up in an affair. 

Your wife has some severe problems if she's going to start quantifying someone else as "morally corrupt" that is a friend of hers.  Pretty ballsy for someone who can't even be honest with her own husband. 

The problem is your wife doesn't know how to share her real feelings about anything, which is incredibly unhealthy for you both.  Your wife isn't stupid, she is likely aware you and Melissa are crushing on each other, but instead of discussing it openly and honestly, she is treating you like a parent who is scolding their child and even telling you what to think about Melissa.  And she's not saying the right things.   If I noticed my husband getting emotionally invested in someone else- I'd want to know what was not working in our marriage, not start calling other people "evil" as a deflection.

I think you have no choice but to have a serious and HONEST conversation with your wife.  Expect it to be ugly.  IMHO, you should tell her that you need to seek marriage counseling.  If she won't do that, then you need to just lay all your cards on the table.  " I really want to work on your marriage.  Several issues continue to arise that make me fear for the future of our relationship. We need to be able to discuss our feelings openly and honestly.  I feel it would be best to do this together with a third, unbiased party.   I really want you to work on it with me.  But if you will not, then I need to seek individual counseling. But I will not stay stuck in the loop that we are currently in." 

And she what she says.  If she unwilling to budge at all, then you might need to start to consider whether you want this marriage to continue.   Nothing will get better by her burying her head in the sand and calling others names.  

[lostandhurt]

So to answer your question from a man.

  When I was single it seemed not many women were interested in me even though I had plenty of attention I guess but after I became engaged and then married things changed.  I felt like I was getting way more attention than before even though I was married and I was not flirting in the least.  Why I have no idea but I had a couple of very beautiful and exciting women continually try to get close to me but the thing is even though I was very attracted to them physically and intellectually I never came close to being attracted emotionally.  Why?  Because I was promised to someone else and that was a promise I made.  Did I ever think to myself "Where were you when I was single?"  Yes I did but I never forgot the promise.  

  So I never felt like I lost anything by not allowing something between myself and one of these women to grow and I certainly didn't need to mourn it either. Frankly I think you have imagined this into much more than it is because you want it to be more than it is.  Fantasy is tough to beat when you have a day to day real life with your wife.  There are no chores in a fantasy, the sex is always awesome in a fantasy and it is always exciting but in the end it is just a fantasy.

 If your wife will not attend counseling then go without her.  Nothing will motivate her more than knowing you are sitting down telling some stranger all about your marriage and wife without her there to defend herself.  You go a few times and when she asks "How did it go?" Just smile and say "It went really good, I am really starting to get some of the answers I have been looking for"  then just walk away.  It will drive her crazy wondering what is going on in those sessions and if she  persists with questions just invite her to come the next time.

 I wonder if you married Melissa and then met Kate later on if the same thing would happen...

 If you are not happy try to fix it.  If that doesn't work then end the marriage and work on yourself BEFORE dating anyone.

Do the right thing

 Lost