OldSoulPH

It’s really tough and I’m so sorry you are going through this. I’ve learned over time and from past relationships that any situation that causes you that much pain and anxiety to the point of affecting your physical health is simply not going to work. I once lost over 50 pounds because of a woman who did nothing but play games with me. As a guy who has suffered from anxiety and depression among other things my entire life, I admire you for your efforts and wish I could be with a woman who cares as much as you do. So many women would look the other way as soon as there is a hint of anything negative - one woman who I was pondering proposing to even dumped me when I lost my job unexpectedly. Everyone has flaws, and life will undoubtedly have challenges along the way. But you don’t deserve to be treated the way he is treating you. One thing I have learned is that someone’s situation is no excuse for treating anyone badly. If he really loves you, he wouldn’t do what he is doing. Read that last sentence over and over. A recent reply to one of my posts in another forum really hit home for me. I used to think every couple has their fair share of ups and downs, probably because of everything I went through growing up. Then someone said in her 33 years of marriage, the downs are few and far between because they work together and respect each other. One should feel safe, comfortable, and loved, not stressed, disrespected, and belittled. You deserve to be happy. Don’t let this guy continue to negatively affect your health. I’m here if you want any advice from a guy’s perspective. I feel your pain and am happy to help if I can.

Thank you

Yes unfortunately

Never been officially diagnosed by a psychiatrist but Jekyll and Hyde is the best way to describe it. More than just mood swings - she can become borderline violent without warning.

Thank you, very well said.

Thank you. There are many reasons for my unhappiness with Kate, unfortunately too many to count. Most of it can be traced back to her multiple personalities. I never know which one I will encounter at any given time, and it can change in an instant without warning. Sometimes she says she doesn’t know what she would do without me then 1 hour later she threatens divorce. It’s something I’ve almost become numb to, but still very unhappy. Even our little one can already pick up on her unhealthy mood swings, I know she could benefit from professional help, which I still hope she will utilize at some point soon.

Kate and I have a 19 month old son, and he is the happiest little boy. Melissa has no children.

I think I know in my gut what I have to do, and it will not be easy.

Very well said, thank you so much.

If only Kate could adopt the reaction style you describe here… I feel the same way. It’s innate for me to control how I react to things. In the case of the other woman Melissa, I have always kept my true feelings inside except for my psychiatrist and my other therapist. Nonetheless, I have historically been an “easy read” so it’s probably very noticeable how happy I become around Melissa. But I never allowed it to escalate into a potential affair. I wish I could say it was just having the hots for Melissa, but because it has persisted for so long, it unfortunately is more complicated in my view. Again, it’s something I have to sort out with a professional.

I have been thinking the same thing. Anything this detrimental to my well-being is not worth it. Still a very difficult decision.

Thank you very much, very well said.

I can see after reading some of these replies that I probably didn’t use the right words to convey the message. Will try again here. How Melissa feels about me is irrelevant to my relationship with Kate. Have I wanted to have a heart to heart talk with Melissa? Of course, but it would not only be very inappropriate but I would also run the risk of losing her as a friend altogether, which has happened to me in the past with others who were not interested. Do I think Melissa has an idea how I feel about her? I would be surprised if she said she had no clue. Do I know for sure how Melissa feels about me? I really don’t, but there is enough for me to think the feelings may be reciprocated, but can’t be explored as I am married. What I should have said instead of understanding female psychology is, if, Melissa has no interest, I wish there was a way to figure that out on my own, as I could then start the healing process without losing her as a friend. One post mentioned that it is very concerning that this has gone on for as long as it has, and I couldn’t agree more. All of this was completely unintentional on my part, and I’m still trying to work it out with my therapist about how it all happened. While some may disagree, this is not about a sexual attraction to Melissa. Is an emotional connection a more accurate description? Probably not. But there is something about her that stands out in my mind. I cannot put it into words. Would a relationship have worked if we were both single? Only God knows. My marriage has a lot of problems, but I made a vow for better or worse. While it’s too much to type, there has been a lot of “worse” over the past few years, issues that have nothing to do with Melissa or any other women. Jekyll and Hyde personality, verbal abuse, the constant feeling that nothing I do will ever be good enough, etc. There is only so much a person can take. Previous counseling attempts were futile, as my wife refuses to accept her faults. I am by no means perfect, but I recognize what I have done wrong and work to correct it. Continuing to work on this with a therapist is probably the best course of action for now. I appreciate everyone’s input.

Thank you

Point well taken, thank you.

I could not have said it better myself. You are right, it makes no difference whatsoever. Sometimes I get too caught up in pondering the “what if” scenarios. At this point it’s just me trying to better understand female psychology to bring some type of clarity on how I should move forward.

Thank you for your perspective, very much appreciated. I am interested to know your thoughts on the more detailed information I share here. I have always been a guy who could never have a physical relationship with a woman unless emotional intimacy was already established. I have never understood guys who say they can have emotionless sex. I am in my late thirties now and I can say I would prefer a romantic walk on the beach, watching a movie, or a heart to heart talk, over sex anytime. Sex will happen when the time is right, and there is no need to rush it. That being said, I can count at least 3 times in my life when I have been the guy you describe. The only difference is that I wanted a relationship with the woman because I was interested in her as a person, not just to sleep with her. Unfortunately, once they found out I saw them as more than a friend, I was not only rejected but I lost their friendship altogether, which really upset me. Did they think I just wanted sex? I would certainly hope not, but I don’t know for sure. There are several reasons why I feel it is different with Melissa. The first is how she acts around me. I have never seen another woman’s face light up like hers, especially her Duchenne smile, when we meet. Second, about 8 months or so after we first met, my wife Kate jokingly (or maybe not so jokingly) told Melissa in front of me that I have a crush on her. Melissa wasn’t bothered at all, and actually seemed very happy about it. Third, she frequently attempts to arrange meetings with both my wife and myself in a group setting, and often has asked personal questions that others would typically not ask. And finally, with rare exception, she always responds to my texts very quickly, often within minutes. Is that enough to conclude she feels the same way about me? Perhaps not, but from a guy’s perspective, that’s pretty strong evidence. Platonic maybe? Hard for me to believe. Nonetheless, Melissa and I have never discussed it as that would be inappropriate because I am married. But I admit I frequently ponder how she may feel about me and how she has dealt with it knowing I am married. And yes, you are right - this does come from disappointment in my current relationship. While I love my wife, she really needs professional help to manage her issues. And it is also very possible a relationship with Melissa would not work out. Still trying to figure out what I should do. It’s definitely not easy. Thank you for your time.

Thank you so much! Still sorting through everything and it may be awhile but I definitely will post an update when I have one.

As a guy, I can tell you that maturity levels vary drastically among men. I personally could never have a physical relationship with a woman without major emotional attachment. I have never been able to understand guys who claim they can do so and simply go on “insertion adventures” in order to add to their list of “conquests.” That being said, reading your initial post, I can’t say strongly one way or another what could be going through his mind. Yes, there is a valid argument that he doesn’t want to come across as too needy or available, as many dating advice websites talk about how a woman’s interest will slowly die if she figures out the man too quickly. However, because you have already slept together, that argument loses some relevance. Just like with a woman, if a man wants to be with you, he will always make time for you no matter how busy he is. In my history of relationships, I always made time every day to let the woman I was dating know how much she meant to me. Some days it was just a good morning and good night text, other days much more, but always something. I agree that his response is lukewarm, but it’s hard to tell why. He could have a demanding job and really not know his schedule or he could be losing interest, among many other possibilities. If it were me and I truly wanted the relationship to continue, I would find other ways to express how I look forward to the next time we meet, even if I wasn’t sure if my schedule would allow on a particular day. But every guy thinks a little differently. I would give it a few more days (no later than Thursday) and wait to see what happens. I’m happy to give unbiased objective advice from a man’s point of view whenever you need it.

Very well said, thank you again.

Thank you for your perspective, much appreciated.

You really hit the nail on the head here - I feel like you read my mind and put it into words for me. I appreciate it very much. Your first paragraph is exactly what happened to me, not just with Melissa but at least 3 other women. I never allowed it to grow with anyone other than Melissa, as she was the only one with whom I felt that lightning energy that is so difficult to describe. It was completely unintentional and unexpected. Nonetheless, it is possible that I have imagined this into much more than it is. While I don’t know for sure what would have happened if I met Melissa first, there is no guarantee it would have worked out, even with the lightning energy on the table. However, the possibility of never having a chance with the only woman who gave me that feeling is something I will probably always mourn to some degree. I may try your strategy when it comes to counseling. Hoping it will lead to something positive. Thank you again.

Thank you very much for sharing your perspective. This lightning energy, could it be biological? To a degree, yes. Melissa is very attractive but so are many other women I have met throughout my life, before and after I was married. What made Melissa different is how she electrified my soul, a concept that I have difficulty describing with words. Looking back, yes there was a spark with Kate - a lot of chemistry that eventually turned into passion. But I never experienced that lightning with Kate, as I had no idea that even existed until after we were married. As others have pointed out, the real problem here is not Melissa herself but other fundamental flaws in my marriage that have to be fixed. In any case, I have always felt terrible for the other feelings that I unintentionally developed, and that is not fair to Kate. Trying to sort it all out, and the perspectives shared here have helped tremendously.

I agree with everything you said here, thank you very much. It is extremely helpful.

Thank you, very well said.