Setting Goals, Moving, Life Transitions, and Job Planning

[Alex39]

I'm at a crossroads in life. I originally moved two hours from my family for a job. I was near all my friends. I rented an apartment. But it was tough for family to visit. It was really far away and I didn't have the space for them to stay so we used couches and uncomfortable arrangements for years. It was a long rough ride. I couldnt pop home for family birthdays or events because it wasn't an easy commute.  But I did have a fun social life with my friends for many years. But then friends settle and it slowly ended.

Then I get a new job 20 minutes north of my apartment. So I decide then to move 20 mins north of my new job. Now I'm only an hour and 15 mins from my family. It's a much better ride. I'm only 30 to 40 mins from my friends. I own my own condo and I love it. One of my friends lives really close only 15 minutes away so we've grown closer.  Got a great deal on my place. Fixed it up to my tastes. I love the area. 

I visit home and the ride is much easier. But now I don't see my friends as much. They are married and having babies. Maybe only once a month.

I visit my family more, but it's tough. I can't stay for days. I leave my pets at home. Dog and a cat. It's still a traveling situation. I sometimes stay overnight. But then have to rush back. 

When I do visit home, I'm saddened to leave. I wish I could have my own space and my own home. But pop in for a dinner after work, or to watch a movie with my mom. My mom and I love going walking. I'd walk with her all the time.

I've now been considering moving closer to my family. Maybe getting a remote work at home job. I could make more money and be like 35 minutes from my family. That's one option. But I'd have no friends and I'd be a good hour from them. 

I've also considered moving a bit more north, being 45- 50 minutes from home. Keeping my job. And I only go in two to three days a week as it is, so a 50 minute commute to work won't be too bad, not every day.

I love my job because it's flexible. I go in when we have meetings, go in when I feel like it,  leave when I want, work when I want. We get really great Healthcare and retirement. Tons of time off. Unlimited sick time. But the pay is on the lower side. The benefits are the best I've seen.

I'm afraid if I move too close to my family that I won't have any friends. But I don't see them much as it is and I'm always alone. If I was near my family, I wouldn't have to be alone anymore.

But I like my job and my house. But a higher paying job would help me pay off debt. But I might be worked harder with poor benefits.

I keep going in circles with options and I can't figure out what I should do. I also love my condo that I own. But again, I'm very lonely. I feel like I should be goal setting and figuring out a plan but I don't know what is right or wrong. My mother is trying to set me up with a man from back home. I don't know how she thinks we'll date with me being an hour and 15 minutes away. She has hope that if we like each other we will and then we'll make moves together and live together.

How do I know what to do? 

[boltnrun]

I wouldn't uproot my life for a guy I haven't even met yet, let alone gone on a single date with.

[DarkCh0c0]

16 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

My mother is trying to set me up with a man from back home. I don't know how she thinks we'll date with me being an hour and 15 minutes away. She has hope that if we like each other we will and then we'll make moves together and live together

Maybe for a start you can ask your mother to stay out of your dating life and let you figure it out on your own like an adult? She has no business doing this to you. And YOU are in your prime years and don't need to rush into finding a man. Not on your mom's terms.

As for the rest, ask yourself what are the top things you value in life and make your decisions based on these. Do you value family, career, money, comfort, romance, friendships (new and old), hobbies, ect.? In which order? If you make a move, are you willing to put yourself out there to find new friends? And, nothing says you won't be able to keep seeing your current friends if you do make a move.

[Batya33]

Make a pros cons list as objective as possible.  Setting it down on paper will help so much IMO.

I see a con as moving closer to your family given how critical, judgey and controlling your mother is over you/to you.  That doesn't seem like a good way for you to forge your own independent life.  Also if you only bought your condo in the last few years it might not seem wise financially to sell it so fast.

Also factor in finding a good pet sitter/place to board your pets so you don't have to rush back to care for them as often.  

The man you've never met should not even be on any list.

[DarkCh0c0]

3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I wouldn't uproot my life for a guy I haven't even met yet, let alone gone on a single date with.

Yea, no need to be desperate.

[boltnrun]

21 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I see a con as moving closer to your family given how critical, judgey and controlling your mother is over you/to you. 

Your mother is overly controlling, overly critical and overly involved in your life. Why would you want to make it easier for her to dictate your life for you? And now she's trying to choose the man she wants you to live with, before you've even met him?

Look, I too had a conflicted relationship with my mother. But she was not able (despite her best efforts) to control my life. She was exceedingly jealous of my husband but I married him anyway. I didn't date some guy she picked out for me.

I would advise you to keep the distance. Hire a pet sitter. I did and it worked out very well. I was able to travel for up to four days at a time without any worries.

Also, work on finding new friends. According to your previous threads you have two who you are close to, so keep those friendships and seek to meet others.

[Seraphim]

Stay where you are . You like it . 

[Alex39]

44 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Your mother is overly controlling, overly critical and overly involved in your life. Why would you want to make it easier for her to dictate your life for you? And now she's trying to choose the man she wants you to live with, before you've even met him?

Look, I too had a conflicted relationship with my mother. But she was not able (despite her best efforts) to control my life. She was exceedingly jealous of my husband but I married him anyway. I didn't date some guy she picked out for me.

I would advise you to keep the distance. Hire a pet sitter. I did and it worked out very well. I was able to travel for up to four days at a time without any worries.

Also, work on finding new friends. According to your previous threads you have two who you are close to, so keep those friendships and seek to meet others.

I think the reason my mother and I have the relationship we have is honestly because when we visit, we are rushing to spend time together, we are in close proximity living together when she visits me or I her, and we are just too close when we spend time. If I lived nearby, we could grab dinner, but then I could go back to my home. Instead of, her spending the weekend with me, in my place, stuck together and no escape. Her idea of helping is sometimes being too controlling. And because I am far away she can't help as much, so she tries to overly help when we are together. Because she wants to help and be a good mother helping her child. I know its not perfect, but I know she has good intentions.

[Batya33]

My sense is a man in your age group with a healthy sense of self/self esteem is not going to be happy with how you interact with your mom and how you let your mom treat you.  It will be a point of stress and living close by will make it worse for him and your relationship together.  

[Tinydance]

Sorry to harp on about this and you can do what you want. But have you given any thought to all my previous advice about you meeting men through online dating and social avenues like Meetup groups? I know you really want to meet someone but being set up probably isn't your best option. Your older friend from work was trying to set you up with her son and that didn't actually go anywhere. You don't even really know who this man is your Mum wants to set you up with and you're thinking to move closer to your Mum already.

There is nothing wrong with trying to meet guys but I think the avenues you're trying are mainly dead ends. Like some random on Facebook or waiting for older women like your Mum and work friend to set you up. I think you need to take control. On online dating there are so many guys whose profiles you can see and actually try to find compatible men who you have things in common with. Also at social events you can meet many guys at the same time.

I get a sense maybe you're scared to actually put yourself out there. So you just wait for men to come to you, like being deliberately set up by someone else. Being set up is one option but there are many other options too.

I also think if you're lonely you can actually meet new friends from social groups as well. In my late teens and early 20's I used to go out with my best friend S all the time because she was single. Then at 24 years old she met her now husband and then had two kids with him. She wasn't very free anymore as she was busy with her family. I didn't see her much. I went to a women's Meetup group and there met my other best friend. I was 26 and she was 20 - 21. Because she was younger she wasn't looking to settle down and she had plenty of time to hang out. We got along really well despite the age gap and had a blast.

Not all women in their 30's have settled down, many are still single. You can still see your girl friends who are married but you can make new friends too. Through those new friends you may even be able to meet guys.

I don't really see the point of moving from your apartment that you love and actually own and moving closer to your mother. Your mother makes you feel bad and it won't solve any of your loneliness or guy issues. Just my opinion.

[Tinydance]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

I wouldn't uproot my life for a guy I haven't even met yet, let alone gone on a single date with.

My thoughts too

[Tinydance]

24 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

My sense is a man in your age group with a healthy sense of self/self esteem is not going to be happy with how you interact with your mom and how you let your mom treat you.  It will be a point of stress and living close by will make it worse for him and your relationship together.  

Yeah why do you actually want to live close to your mother? If my mother treated me like that I'd want to keep a good distance from her lol

[Seraphim]

56 minutes ago, amkxoxo39 said:

I think the reason my mother and I have the relationship we have is honestly because when we visit, we are rushing to spend time together, we are in close proximity living together when she visits me or I her, and we are just too close when we spend time. If I lived nearby, we could grab dinner, but then I could go back to my home. Instead of, her spending the weekend with me, in my place, stuck together and no escape. Her idea of helping is sometimes being too controlling. And because I am far away she can't help as much, so she tries to overly help when we are together. Because she wants to help and be a good mother helping her child. I know its not perfect, but I know she has good intentions.

Using two accounts will get one banned. 

[Alex39]

35 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Using two accounts will get one banned. 

I don't have two, I only have this one account

[Seraphim]

1 minute ago, Alex39 said:

I don't have two, I only have this one account

It is weird she is answering like she is you. 

[Alex39]

Just now, Seraphim said:

It is weird she is answering like she is you. 

Oh no, darn it, I do have two accounts. I didn't even realize. How do I delete one? I honestly didn't realize I was logging in with one email and then Google for another. Can I delete one account? I don't want two. 

[HungryGhost]

If you like your job AND your house, I would encourage you to give your current situation a really thorough chance. For much of my adult life, I have had either a job i enjoyed OR a good housing situation, but rarely both at once. Also, if you own your place, ask yourself if you really NEED a higher income. If you are able to have everything you need and live a good lifestyle on what you make, maybe it's enough. 

I too have experienced friends essentially vanishing as soon as they get married. Their priorities change and it does get lonely. Is there a possibility you could make some new friends where you are who are at the same stage of life as you?

The distances you are describing are not very far apart, so although it makes a bit of a difference in commute times, you would still be in the same area regardless. Maybe you just need a bit more time to adjust and get used to those distances and commute times.

[Seraphim]

7 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

Oh no, darn it, I do have two accounts. I didn't even realize. How do I delete one? I honestly didn't realize I was logging in with one email and then Google for another. Can I delete one account? I don't want two. 

Only the admin can delete . 

[Alex39]

3 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Only the admin can delete . 

Can I contact one to delete this?

[Tinydance]

14 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

Oh no, darn it, I do have two accounts. I didn't even realize. How do I delete one? I honestly didn't realize I was logging in with one email and then Google for another. Can I delete one account? I don't want two. 

Yeah I think you can. You can post in the forum assistance topic and ask for help how to do it.

[Seraphim]

9 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

Can I contact one to delete this?

There is only one Admin, kamurj. 

[boltnrun]

I KNEW you were AMK! I even said this in one of your previous threads. It was too much of a coincidence that you two have almost identical stories AND you're both named Alex.

I remember your previous thread about when you matched with a guy on Bumble. And that thread ended up being about several different guys.  So it seems you have been getting yourself out there. Which is good.

However, your mom is overly involved and overly controlling. Keeping distance between the two of you is ideal. You can have her stay over when it suits you OR you can visit when you have time and availability. If you lived nearby she'd probably be dropping by nearly every day. That would be very intrusive and invasive. Or she'd be shoving this guy she wants to fix you up with in your face and that would be awkward if the two of you didn't hit it off.

I vote for keeping your condo and staying where you actually enjoy living.

Oh, and that 50 minute commute? That would get old really fast even if it's only three days a week. Trust me.

[Kwothe28]

Why do you need 2 accounts when you can post anonimously from one? xD

Also, I think you are just a little bit "homesick". Meaning that you miss your old home and family a bit. Nothing wrong with that but you need to be your own woman with all obligations that come with it. Meaning work, pets, even dating. Do your own thing and live life at your fullest. So dont move close to home and away from job. Its more convinient to be closer to job then closer to your parents unless you need to take care of them or something.

[catfeeder]

Hire petsitters or pet hotels so you can travel and relax.

I think spending too much time with your mother will squelch your life force and stifle your growth.

I don't meant this in general, I'm speaking to your specific situation.

[boltnrun]

Alex, I hope you aren't at home worrying and stressing and having anxiety over the two accounts. Or that you think you can't post on here anymore. Just acknowledge you have the two accounts and ask the mods for one of them to be deleted.