Setting Goals, Moving, Life Transitions, and Job Planning

[Alex39]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

Alex, I hope you aren't at home worrying and stressing and having anxiety over the two accounts. Or that you think you can't post on here anymore. Just acknowledge you have the two accounts and ask the mods for one of them to be deleted. 

No honestly, I'm not worried about that. I put in a request to delete one of them.

I'm more nervous about work tomorrow, having a bit of anxiety. Wanting to hide my face. Feeling scared that maybe my message has been spread around everywhere or I'm in some kind of trouble. That my bosses are going to not like me around anymore and I'll be "talked to" . That they feel I shouldn't have shared so openly. My accusations were pretty extreme, true of course, but sound extreme for some to hear. 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I'm more nervous about work tomorrow, having a bit of anxiety. Wanting to hide my face. 

Ok deal with this first and let it play out. From your more recent condensed and organized account of what happened,it doesn't seem that bad. There's no reason to create yet another crisis about moving, changing jobs,etc. Try not to live from self-created crisis to crisis. If you did indeed contact your therapist, discuss this tendency and see what kind of recommendations the therapist makes.

[MissCanuck]

36 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

There's no reason to create yet another crisis about moving, changing jobs,etc.

This is what I see, too. 

How much of this desire to change jobs and be closer to your controlling Mom is borne out of your current fears about your work? 

 

[DarkCh0c0]

I agree with @MissCanuckand @Wiseman2 If you are doing this out of stress Alex, take a pause. When you're going through a stressful situation, it's not the time to add stress do it by making big house moves and distancing from your friends. It's not a time to flee neither.

You own your own place and that's huge. You like it too and it's your safe space. Why stir that boat?

[Anonymous]

Never never make important life altering decisions while highly emotional. They never work out because they aren’t made with rational thought . 

[Seraphim]

^ My post don’t know what it did there. 

[Tinydance]

11 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

^ My post don’t know what it did there. 

Lol I nearly just thought this was Alex because she was just told she could post anonymously. Sorry I doubted you Alex lol

[Seraphim]

2 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Lol I nearly just thought this was Alex because she was just told she could post anonymously. Sorry I doubted you Alex lol

Huh ? No. She has two accounts and posted above that she asked kamurj to delete one . 

[Kwothe28]

19 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

^ My post don’t know what it did there. 

You accidentaly ticked "Post anonymosly" maybe. Happened to me once, couldnt revert it after lol

[Seraphim]

1 minute ago, Kwothe28 said:

You accidentaly ticked "Post anonymosly" maybe. Happened to me once, couldnt revert it after lol

Probably. I had just literally woken up and literally had only one eye open. 

[Tinydance]

9 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Huh ? No. She has two accounts and posted above that she asked kamurj to delete one . 

I know I was just joking.

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, HungryGhost said:

I too have experienced friends essentially vanishing as soon as they get married. Their priorities change and it does get lonely.

Me too and I had a good friend vanish on me as soon as I married and had a baby (had the baby shortly after our wedding -before the wedding she had all these plans to spend time with me -her initiation -once my son was born, etc). Most of my married friends did not vanish on me and I got married at 42- 10-15 years after most of them did.  Yes especially when they had kids I had  to do more accommodating of their schedules.  I did for good friends.  I was my friend's first babysitter -I was single/no kids -her daughter was 5 days old. 

I was invited to their homes, to parties, to events, we met up at restaurants, at parks, etc. And it was one of the ways I met men - married people set up single people.  

And yes I had smug married friends, friends who somehow thought because I was single I had no responsibilties despite having an intensely busy/unpredictable stressful full time job, attending to family responsibilities as an aunt and daughter, doing volunteer work, and of course husband hunting.  ;-).  I'd suggest the OP spread her wings for sure but do her best to be flexible with friends going through different life stages whether that is marriage, caring for an ill parent, going back to grad school, etc.  

I like the suggestion of -if housing and/or job is good you're doing well.  Once I was on my own and moved out I made sure I moved to a high rent district near my parents' home (happened to be where I grew up) because I could then walk to work and was where allll the single guys were.  It helped so much with dating even logistically because I had more time to date despite the long hours -I wasn't traveling long distances to see a boyfriend, etc. 

If you can afford it! I sacrificed space for that. My apartments were around 550 square feet and I even shared it with my husband and newborn and all their stuff for three months lol.  You do what you need to do.  But I lived in a doorman/secure building, deliveries were easy, etc. I did not spend $$$ on decor or furniture because I was in a city where most of the time we were out and about- parks, theater, coffee shops, walking and people watching etc.

By the time I married at 42 I'd saved enough $$ to be able to contribute to my family's income as if I were working outside the home rather than being a SAHM. I still have my pottery barn coffee table -all scuffed-from those days (little kids and nice furniture aren't a good mix so we kept it lol) - I bought it over 20 years ago and my laptop sits on it right now.  Everyone has their preferences on decor but I'd consider what the priorities are for space etc.  OP I know you're a fan of decorating your space and you're proud of your home and that's great and keep an open mind about where your savings/$$ are going in case your preferences can be tweaked a little if you need more options.  

 

[boltnrun]

Yes, it's probably tempting to want to run home to Mom because you're fearful. But that isn't going to fix anything.

I presume you didn't call a crisis hotline, contact your therapist's emergency line or go to a mental health ER, which is why you're panicking and trying to rush to the comfort of your mom. But you have to figure out how to deal with crises on your own.

I'm going to presume when you went to work this morning nothing was different.

[Alex39]

4 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

This is what I see, too. 

How much of this desire to change jobs and be closer to your controlling Mom is borne out of your current fears about your work? 

 

Probably 50% of it. I think my fear started making me look at jobs and moving. Then it did open my eyes to what is out there. Jobs that pay more and interesting housing options. So I think what started in fear, then opened my eyes to what is out there and that it wasn't bad to look or think about it. 

[MissCanuck]

I think that moving closer to your Mom is going to further entangle you in what is quite a dysfunctional relationship between you two. 

Be careful there, Alex. You might slide backwards. 

[moodindigo91]

I agree with whoever said that if you like your housing situation and your job, I would stay where you are and try to make it work. I think it's normal to feel lonely at times. I live alone myself, currently actually like my house and my job. I also have a dog. But most of my family lives across the country, in other countries. The closest family member I have is about a 10-12 hour drive away. I live in a new city away from my friends as well. 

I think you should be able to make new friends no matter where you end up living, and I think that you should try and make it a point to go out and make new friends at this time in your life. Especially if some of your current friendships are in a waning phase. You don't need to be so tied to your family. I am still close with my family even though I hardly ever see them in person. We talk often. You seem to be stressing yourself out trying to manage spending time with your family (maybe out of a sense of guilt? or loneliness?) that you are hardly allowing yourself to be yourself and enjoy your condo and your city. 

Seems like you need to just take a few steps back and think about what it is you really want and what you need to do to get there in your own right. (You don't need your mom to arrange a marriage for you.) 

[Cherylyn]

I agree with others.  Stay put.   Visiting family or anyone for that matter is best because too much togetherness leads to contempt.  I have local relatives and in-laws yet we don't see each other often for this very reason.  We need space,  time and enforced,  healthy boundaries.

As for married friends with children,  count me in as one of those who've since vanished.  However,  I didn't disappear completely.  Of course,  I'm frenetically busy but we manage to get together albeit not as frequently as my childless days.  We've accommodated everyone's schedules and pick up right where we left off.  No harm,  no foul.  Priorities have since shifted.  There are only so many hours in a day between employment,  marriage,  babies,  children and the crazy busy schedule it all entails.  No big revelation there and it's to be expected.  It's called life.

You can always make new friends.  Not all friends are married and having babies.  There are still a lot of single people no matter what age. 

Married friends with babies will squeeze you in somehow as long as you're willing to cooperate.  Perhaps you'll be asked to tag along during their errands or meet at park play dates.  Bring a portable chair to sit on a soccer field with during their little Billy's sports practice or weekend games.  Or, you'll be invited to their children's birthday parties or special events.  Or, for a quick walk or coffee.  Time is limited and if you're willing to see your friends even if you have to share them while they're distracted,  take what you can get because many times,  it's all they're willing to offer of themselves.  Take it or leave it.  Many friends have to multi-task in order to be with you.  Gone are the days when you had their sole undivided attention. 

It sounds like you love condo ownership and enjoy your new home.  One of your friends is only 15 minutes away.  Keep this arrangement.  If it isn't broken,  don't fix it.   You are saddled with a mortgage payment so it would be a hassle to uproot with selling your condo,  finding a new residence,  packing,  moving,  unpacking and resettling elsewhere.  It is a major undertaking and an expensive inconvenience. 

Seeing your married friends once a month sounds reasonable.  You're lucky to see them once a month.  There were times when I couldn't see my friends once a month as a new,  young mother of two babies.  It was quite the juggling act. 

Not staying for days with family is to your benefit.  Too much togetherness leads to stress and arguments which are quite unpleasant.  Don't wear out the welcome mat.

Enjoy popping in for dinner, watching a movie and taking walks with your mother.  It's just enough.  Too much togetherness will lead to boredom and monotony.  There is a difference between enjoyable visits and seeing each other day in and day out which isn't exciting anymore.  Keep in mind,   if you're with your mother too much,  here come the favors.  You'll be asked to do chores,  tasks,  errands,  accompany her more in public,  etc.  There goes your freedom.  You won't have much time for yourself anymore.  You'll be roped into commitments.  Remain realistic.

Keep your job.  Flexible jobs are not easy to attain.  There's more to a job than money.  Think of your lifestyle preferences,  convenience,  great benefits such as medical insurance,  retirement,  tons of time off and unlimited sick leave.  You can't put a price on that.  It sounds to me that you've got a happy medium going on so keep it.   Sure, there are other high paying jobs but you'll have to settle for less perks and are you willing to sacrifice less enjoyment for more money? 

If you'll be an hour away from friends,  naturally you'll end up drifting apart and fading away.  Anytime getting together becomes a hassle,  enthusiasm to see each other wanes because no one wants to take that much time,  energy,  resources and inconvenience to see each other.  It's bound to happen.

50 minute commute several times a week will wear on your nerves and it's exhausting.  Long commutes several times a week means less time to enjoy living in your condo and relaxing with your pets.  Long commutes grow old very fast.  Make your life convenient.  Don't create unnecessary hardships for yourself.

You're very busy just like most people.  You don't see them as much as it is so why change it?  You're alone anyway but cherish your alone time and take family and friends in snippets which is just enough.  Again,  too much togetherness is no longer exciting.  Keep your visits with friends and family fresh and brief.  Any other way is not as wonderful as you imagine.  A lot of time with family and friends sounds wonderful in a fantasy but realistically too much time with others grows frustrating to the point where you yearn to be alone!  Don't drive yourself nuts. 

If you decide to move someday,  take your time to mull everything over.  Don't ever make impulsive,  rash decisions.  Always secure your next job before quitting your current job.  Always make sure there's an overlap.  If you need more time to find a new residence,  temporarily move in with your mother while taking your time finding a new condo,  house or apartment.  Haste makes waste.  Some jobs have great pay and great benefits.  You'll have to thoroughly research what is available to you.  In many cases, there are tradeoffs in one way or another whether it's living arrangements,  locale,  geographical distance from family and friends,  benefits and the whole lot.  There's a lot to consider.  Don't rush.  These are all important decisions impacting your daily life for years to come.  Hopping around from home to home,  job to job doesn't look good on your credit score and resume.  It makes you look as if you flip flop a lot with an indecisive personality which is a red flag to many. 

Learn to embrace your financial independence and alone time.  You have more freedom despite feeling lonely.  Being with others means more responsibilities and commitments.  Focus on your pets, taking family and friends in small doses,  exercise,  prioritize your health,  get into hobbies,  special interests,  read books,  immerse into intellectual pursuits,  watch great movies at home,  be industrious with maintaining your condo and there's so much to do with your time.  Don't mope. 

Don't rely on your mother setting you up which is awfully risky.  Figure out dating on your own.  Your mother isn't you. 

If you seek a husband,  settling down with a family of your own someday and what I have,  then remain patient.  There are high quality men who are very attracted to a financially strong woman.  I doubt you'll have a problem there.  Perhaps you're looking at all the wrong places.  Whittle down your preferences in your mind.  Pick your friends' brains.  They might know eligible bachelors as they've done their homework for you.  They've sized up men for you in advance.  They can tell you everything such as personality,  character,  background,  occupation,  health habits or lack thereof,  where they reside,  etc.  Have your wits about you.  Develop street smarts.  Where there is a will,  there is a way. 

 

 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Cherylyn said:

Married friends with babies will squeeze you in somehow as long as you're willing to cooperate.  Perhaps you'll be asked to tag along during their errands or meet at park play dates.  Bring a portable chair to sit on a soccer field with them while their little Billy's at sports practice or weekend games.  Or, you'll be invited to their children's birthday parties or special events.  Or, for a quick walk or coffee.  Time is limited and if you're willing to see your friends even if you have to share them while they're distracted,  take what you can get because many times,  it's all they're willing to offer of themselves.  Take it or leave it.  Many friends have to multi-task in order to be with you.  Gone are the days when you had their sole undivided attention. 

I didn't find that and didn't do that to my friends- yes some adjustments just like with any life changes. 

No, I was not going to hire a sitter when I usually didn't just to meet your new boyfriend who's not a fan of  young kids, no I'm not going to leave my sleeping baby alone in the apartment even for "two minutes" to go down to the lobby to see your boyfriend who I haven't seen in 10 years (yes I was asked to do this and she was surprised I wouldn't leave "just for two minutes"), yes, I will make sure my husband is available to be home with our son so I can go to the theater with you, yes, I will do a 3 hour volunteer shift at the local public radio station while my son is in school and  find time to clean another time, yes, I will chat by phone with you for a long time and barely mention my son because I want to focus on other things and your life.  And on and on. 

For close friends, for networking, for not draping myself in the mantle of motherhood so that no other job is as time consuming or unpredictable (not true, I lived it and I had a handful of a kid -love him to bits).  In this way I kept my perspective and I was a better mother for keeping my life broad and diverse.  Without hiring sitters or spending $$$ for activities -and the friends who mattered adjusted just as I did for them in the 15 years before I had kids and they had kids.

 

[Cherylyn]

39 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I didn't find that and didn't do that to my friends- yes some adjustments just like with any life changes. 

No, I was not going to hire a sitter when I usually didn't just to meet your new boyfriend who's not a fan of  young kids, no I'm not going to leave my sleeping baby alone in the apartment even for "two minutes" to go down to the lobby to see your boyfriend who I haven't seen in 10 years (yes I was asked to do this and she was surprised I wouldn't leave "just for two minutes"), yes, I will make sure my husband is available to be home with our son so I can go to the theater with you, yes, I will do a 3 hour volunteer shift at the local public radio station while my son is in school and  find time to clean another time, yes, I will chat by phone with you for a long time and barely mention my son because I want to focus on other things and your life.  And on and on. 

For close friends, for networking, for not draping myself in the mantle of motherhood so that no other job is as time consuming or unpredictable (not true, I lived it and I had a handful of a kid -love him to bits).  In this way I kept my perspective and I was a better mother for keeping my life broad and diverse.  Without hiring sitters or spending $$$ for activities -and the friends who mattered adjusted just as I did for them in the 15 years before I had kids and they had kids.

 

I agree.  There are adjustments to be had.  I couldn't afford to hire a daytime babysitter nor would I have wanted to in order to be with friends.  If I had to bring two baby boys with me,  I did and they were willing to tag along while I was on-the-go in order to chat with me in person.  They were squeezed into my schedule and I was squeezed into theirs.  We made do with however way we could manage and go about this. 

I remember meeting friends for dinner while my husband tended to my two sons who were babies and preschoolers.  We couldn't see each other as often nor spend as much time together but were willing to accommodate whatever little spare time and attention there was.  Everyone was understanding. 

I had more flexibility with one child.  An only child was so easy.  Then when the second baby arrived,  it was definitely challenging because now I had two schedules to juggle with each son instead of an only child which to me was a piece of cake compared to two kids.  It was still doable but not as easy as an only child to be sure. 

I too have lifelong, extremely loyal and devoted friends.  However,  all of us realize that expectations and reality of everyone's lives requires a lot of patience and coordination.  We still make it work though even if we can't be together as often as we'd like.  Fortunately, most of my closest friends are local which makes it convenient to see each other.   

[Batya33]

On 10/31/2022 at 12:47 PM, Cherylyn said:

had more flexibility with one child.  An only child was so easy.  Then when the second baby arrived,  it was definitely challenging because now I had two schedules to juggle with each son instead of an only child which to me was a piece of cake compared to two kids.  It was still doable but not as easy as an only child to be sure. 

Some have way more challenges with one child than with four and some have no challenges with two because they outsource almost everything and some outsource with one child and still are exhausted because they don't have night time help.  I know all of it -directly only with my one who was a handful and I loved every minute of it and my husband traveled a great deal those first few years (both for business and to care for one or both of his aging and disabled parents) so I solo parented a lot.  And I kept to a very strict nap schedule.

I had daytime sitter a few times.  When he was 4 and 5 my teenage niece was a part time mother's helper for 2 months (summer time - maybe 12 hours/week).  The first summer I think I left them completely alone one afternoon and went to see a movie and the second summer once or twice.  But yes it did free me up a bit to meet a friend even if she was there with him because I could focus more on my friend (mostly I wanted to give her a 'job" and we adored each other so it's all good -she now is in her 20s with 3 boys and lots of outside help).  

My mother watched my son 1.5 hours when I had a medical appointment and he was 4 weeks old and starting when he was 5 and we were in town briefly she'd watch him about an hour at a time while I went outside to exercise and then shower.  She wishes she could have watched him a lot more but because of her age and caring for my father she simply couldn't.  

I never hired a daytime sitter other than that.  We hired a night time sitter a couple of times.

I have friends who have two kids and very often their parents watch one or both and/or they put one in pre school etc.  For sure two schedules is more than one and I have friends who have one child with intense special needs who have more problems juggling than friends with three kids-and-a-dog. 

It's very individual and also depends on spousal help/availability, family help, comfort with sitters (low comfort here) and also parenting styles.  I was super rigid with nap schedules so I didn't just sort of cart my child around even if it was his nap time - I had my windows of time when I could make plans and I had to be really selective at times because latecomes/flaky types meant my 1.5 hour lunch window was now 45 minutes.  I have friends who leave their 10 year old alone for hours at a time -we could not do that because of how/where we lived.  For example. 

[Cherylyn]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Some have way more challenges with one child than with four and some have no challenges with two because they outsource almost everything and some outsource with one child and still are exhausted because they don't have night time help.  I know all of it -directly only with my one who was a handful and I loved every minute of it and my husband traveled a great deal those first few years (both for business and to care for one or both of his aging and disabled parents) so I solo parented a lot.  And I kept to a very strict nap schedule.

I had daytime sitter a few times.  When he was 4 and 5 my niece was a part time mother's helper for 2 months (summer time).  The first summer I think I left them completely alone one afternoon and went to see a movie and the second summer once or twice.  But yes it did free me up a bit to meet a friend even if she was there with him because I could focus more on my friend (mostly I wanted to give her a 'job" and we adored each other so it's all good -she now is in her 20s with 3 boys and lots of outside help).  

My mother watched my son 1.5 hours when I had a medical appointment and he was 4 weeks old and starting when he was 5 and we were in town briefly she'd watch him about an hour at a time while I went outside to exercise and then shower.  She wishes she could have watched him a lot more but because of her age and caring for my father she simply couldn't.  

I never hired a daytime sitter other than that.  We hired a night time sitter a couple of times.

I have friends who have two kids and very often their parents watch one or both and/or they put one in pre school etc.  For sure two schedules is more than one and I have friends who have one child with intense special needs who have more problems juggling than friends with three kids-and-a-dog. 

It's very individual and also depends on spousal help/availability, family help, comfort with sitters (low comfort here) and also parenting styles.  I was super rigid with nap schedules so I didn't just sort of cart my child around even if it was his nap time - I had my windows of time when I could make plans and I had to be really selective at times because latecomes/flaky types meant my 1.5 hour lunch window was now 45 minutes.  I have friends who leave their 10 year old alone for hours at a time -we could not do that because of how/where we lived.  For example. 

I was strict with my routine, too.  Naps were non-negotiable.  We did everything early in the morning such as park play dates,  picnics and then it was straight home for clean up,  sons' naps and a glorious 3 hour break of wonderful silence from noon to 3PM.  I either rested myself or did quiet chores such as fold laundry,  wrote postal thank you notes (if there were any,  that is),  caught up reading my daily newspapers (not online - real paper!),  read library books,  etc.  I didn't want to make noise.  There was never any background racket (TV drone, radio, vacuum, slicing / chopping food prep, etc.).  I was strict about their closed doors and maintaining a very quiet house but that's just me.  Then when they awoke,  it was snack time,  I read library books to them (always borrowed maximum stacks of library books constantly - I sanitized each book, too!).  After that,  they went to my park-like backyard to play on a large swing set which the previous owner left us.  Swing set has two swings, teeter totter swing for two, box swing for 4 kids, slide and bar swing.  We invited neighborhood kids to play in the backyard on occasion.  Then they came indoors,  cleaned up, dinnertime,  bath time,  bedtime stories and to bed early.  My preschooler son was enrolled at our local preschool two mornings per week.  Then the following year, it was 3 mornings per week,  then pre-K  was 5 mornings per week when he was 5 years old.  Older son had a late birthday so he was enrolled in kindergarten at age 6. 

I never hired a babysitter.  If I wanted to get together with local friends,  I had my stroller with baby son and my preschooler son because it was a double stroller.  We met at parks for play time,  a change of scenery,  picnics and other times, it was at an amusement park,  children's museum or local neighborhood private swim club.  Same thing at the swim club with picnic lunch and getting together.  If I wanted to be with my friends for other times,  then my husband would tend to our sons so I could go out by myself and meet them for lunch, dinner, shopping, various outings and the like.  My local mother, sister, MIL & FIL (mother and father-in-law) were available to care for our sons while my husband and I enjoyed a night on the town with dinner,  ballet,  symphony,  theater,  travel,  road trip,  weekend getaway,  etc.   

Having had an only child,  I will say was a piece of cake compared to two sons.  I had a lot more time for an only child.  With two sons,  while still manageable and doable,  it required more of a juggling act.   I forced myself to become super organized and efficient than ever before. 

Two kids was still manageable.  I remember my mother with 3 kids and she said her third child pushed her over the edge.  I clearly remember how super busy she was with 3 kids vs. 2 or only one child.  I've  heard the same comments from other mothers who've had more than 2 children.  Even if husbands help with 3 children, there's more scrambling to do when you have 4 hands but 3 children instead of 2 or only one child.  At any rate, I survived to tell about it. 

My husband is always helpful and amazing so motherhood and being his wife is harmonious,  easy and smooth.  My husband does anything such as chores / errands / cooking / cleaning / laundry / tasks, etc.  He always picks up the slack just like his late father always did for his wife.  I'd do it all over again without hesitation whatsoever.  I can't even remember the last time I ever went to a gas station.  Gas tanks are always "magically" full.  Cars are always maintained,  house is always repaired and maintained, front and back yard lawns are always manicured.  He's very handy.  We never have to hire contractors,  plumber, electrician, auto mechanics,  pool guy,  gardener, etc.  My husband is a 'jack of all trades.'  He's Mr. Home Depot.  He enjoys being a 'do it yourself guy.'  He even constructed a gate and fence according to my specifications.  We went to the nursery, I picked out the various roses and he planted them.  Happy wife equals happy life.  😊

I sure miss our late Golden Retriever.  She used to "help" my husband by following him around while he was tending to his various tasks or chores.  She would slip into the crook of his arm while my husband planted roses.  I sure miss that sweet girl.  She was so smart, calm, quiet and of 'Guide Dog for the Blind' caliber. 

I remember my childhood neighbors had 4,  5,  6,  9,  11 kids and it seemed crazy busy to me.  They were all raised properly and turned out very well.  However,  two kids were my limit and my husband was fine as well.  It all worked out in the end.

I've never left my small children alone except while they were napping to pick up newspapers from my driveway,  retrieve my postal mail from my front door's mail box,  chat with my next door neighbor for 5 minutes in our front yards,   have a brief low toned phone chat in my garage or have a snack in my backyard. 

When my sons were little,  other mothers volunteered to watch my boys while my sons swam at the swim club if I had to use the restroom.  No thank you.  I took the boys out of the pool and they accompanied me to the nearby restroom.  I've had other mothers volunteer to watch my sons during other outings.  No thank you.  If they had to use the restroom,  I went with them.  For organized sports,  I was always in the bleachers or on the field with my portable chair.  I wasn't about to run errands during their sports practice or games while they had to go it alone to the locker room / shower / restroom areas all by themselves.  No way.  The reasons were obvious.   I was very protective and it paid off.  It's just the way it was and I did it my way.  I didn't care what anyone else thought.  It was done and they're still safe to this day because of my "stubborn" insistence.  Again, as long as mission was accomplished, all is well.  My husband and I always had "eagle eyes" on our sons.  Better safe than sorry.

[Batya33]

Yes. Parents have different experiences.
I love how I grew up and love how we live now as far as location and proximity to everything I value. I don’t value swim clubs or lawns or home decor (except good linens and towels and really soft throw blankets!). I do like to visit suburbs and I do like to visit a swim club (our park pool is about a fifteen minute walk and our building has a pool)

 I do value excellent public transportation and gorgeous parks, walking distance to major museums and theater and food shopping, variety of real real ethnic foods within walking distance (although more for my son and husband than me these days ), being able to walk almost everywhere I need to go or a short bus or subway ride, and raising our son like this. I happened to grow up like this also but it’s only one small reason we’re doing it this way. 

I love how I was able to show my son from the time he was a baby all of this. How he was rarely in a car watching the world whiz by or sitting in traffic. taking him on subways in all different cities from the time he was 3 and showing him all the subway maps which he loved.
Spending most of our time except nap time playing outside or exploring and not inside in a house. hanging out for an hour at the Starbucks down the street where I read him books and I sipped some coffee and I gave him some food from home or maybe some fancier veggie chips. The time he crawled around a museum play room floor and split his lip and cried so I treated it with public restroom wet paper towels followed by his first taste of pumpkin cream cheese muffin at Starbucks to seal up the boo boo.

Followed by a stroll home while I was on the phone with my mother in law who reassured me and was delighted her grandson survived and consumed a few bites of muffin. 

I respect all different parenting styles and values. As someone I admire likes to say when she can’t relate “I completely understand all the words you use but not how they’re put together “ (in this case like swim club and a manicured lawn, an outdoor mailbox and multiple cars (we have one - husband drives and prefers walking if at all possible ) - I understand all those words and to me when it’s all put together broadly as a way of life it’s basically the stuff of a world I don’t relate to other than through friends and I guess certain movies and shows.
 

In my 20s I thought I’d want it desperately as soon as I married. I broke off an engagement to Mr Right Now at age 23 and soon realized luckily what a poor fit that lifestyle would have been for me. And what a good fit it was and is for others. 33 years ago. Totally right choice still.

There are so many ways to raise a family. And op don’t get bogged down in shoulds. You do you whatever that means. 

[Cherylyn]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Yes. Parents have different experiences.
I love how I grew up and love how we live now as far as location and proximity to everything I value. I don’t value swim clubs or lawns or home decor (except good linens and towels and really soft throw blankets!). I do like to visit suburbs and I do like to visit a swim club (our park pool is about a fifteen minute walk and our building has a pool)

 I do value excellent public transportation and gorgeous parks, walking distance to major museums and theater and food shopping, variety of real real ethnic foods within walking distance (although more for my son and husband than me these days ), being able to walk almost everywhere I need to go or a short bus or subway ride, and raising our son like this. I happened to grow up like this also but it’s only one small reason we’re doing it this way. 

I love how I was able to show my son from the time he was a baby all of this. How he was rarely in a car watching the world whiz by or sitting in traffic. taking him on subways in all different cities from the time he was 3 and showing him all the subway maps which he loved.
Spending most of our time except nap time playing outside or exploring and not inside in a house. hanging out for an hour at the Starbucks down the street where I read him books and I sipped some coffee and I gave him some food from home or maybe some fancier veggie chips. The time he crawled around a museum play room floor and split his lip and cried so I treated it with public restroom wet paper towels followed by his first taste of pumpkin cream cheese muffin at Starbucks to seal up the boo boo.

Followed by a stroll home while I was on the phone with my mother in law who reassured me and was delighted her grandson survived and consumed a few bites of muffin. 

I respect all different parenting styles and values. As someone I admire likes to say when she can’t relate “I completely understand all the words you use but not how they’re put together “ (in this case like swim club and a manicured lawn, an outdoor mailbox and multiple cars (we have one - husband drives and prefers walking if at all possible ) - I understand all those words and to me when it’s all put together broadly as a way of life it’s basically the stuff of a world I don’t relate to other than through friends and I guess certain movies and shows.
 

In my 20s I thought I’d want it desperately as soon as I married. I broke off an engagement to Mr Right Now at age 23 and soon realized luckily what a poor fit that lifestyle would have been for me. And what a good fit it was and is for others. 33 years ago. Totally right choice still.

There are so many ways to raise a family. And op don’t get bogged down in shoulds. You do you whatever that means. 

Yes I am definitely doing me which I know what it means.  Will do.  Absolutely.  😊

I've only known living in a suburban residential neighborhood.  My childhood home was on a cul-de-sac in a suburban residential neighborhood.  My husband and I lived in an apartment, condominium and townhouse when we were childless.  When our baby boys arrived,  we've lived in several suburban houses and moved up to our current house.  

My husband grew up in suburbans houses.  He lived in an apartment and while it was fine for him on a temporary basis, he too prefers living in a suburban house.  It is our comfort zone.

I have the best of both worlds because everything is nearby.  I don't have to travel far to get to anywhere.  I am fortunate not to live in the middle of nowhere. 

I know several people in my life who live in bustling cities or a metropolis and while I'm happy for them,  it's not my cup of tea.  I enjoy having space,  no shared walls with neighbors or tenants,  no shared hallways,  no elevators,  no stairs,  no stairwells,  ample space between neighbors,  my own spacious front and back yards,  being able to go anywhere at my whim and I can walk anywhere if I so fancy that day.  My husband, sons and I do not enjoying being in crowds.  I also have very large parks with zoos,  trains around the lake for children,  horseback riding,  trails,  all of it.  I have a lot of choices.  Museums,  theaters,  diverse cuisine,  cultural activities,  universities,  intellectual pursuits,  every exercise under the planet,  entertainment and everything is at my disposal.  Nature type outings are not faraway either.  Starbucks?  Yes, they're ubiquitous in my area as well but there are better places than Starbucks or so I've since discovered courtesy of my friends. 

Nearby schools are great.  This is why we bought our current house after several moves to arrive at this point.  We have so many schools that buses are unnecessary. 

I miss walking my late Golden Retriever at a nearby neighborhood park.  We also live near a country club golf course.  I enjoy walks there or riding my bicycle around its huge lake.  We have wildlife here such as white snowy egrets, ducks, ducklings, geese, goslings, peacocks, turtles and herons to name a few.  I enjoy feeding my backyard squirrels.  They're tame, friendly and very cute.  We also have several large bird feeders which attracts colorful birds.  Hawks have visited our fountain-bird bath.  It's a good, peaceful life. 

I'm glad you married late in life and had a child late in life.  It worked out great for you. 

I didn't have any goals to marry during my early 20s.  It just so happened that I did.  I was at the right place at the right time.  The timing was impeccable.  I most definitely met and married 'Mr. Right' and married into his amazing family.  If I hadn't,  some other lucky wife would've been typing this comment instead of me!

Most of my friends married about the same time.  If anyone else had a different timeline, then that's fine.  My friends and I have more in common because our age brackets including all the children were in the same age bracket.  None of us are at different stages in life and again, it wasn't the plan.  It just so happened to turn out that way. 

One of my closest friends is single and childless.  Even though our lifestyles are different,  we still enjoy meeting for lunch every month.  My other close friend married about the same time I did.  Both sets of couples and both sets of sons are all the same age just like our other friends, couples and children. 

I can't speak for anyone but for me,  I'm actually grateful to have met and married my husband when I did.  I hail from a painfully tumultuous background.  My childhood family life was miserable and I grew up observing my chronically sad mother.  My late father was a chain smoking, wife beater alcoholic who abruptly left my mother with 3 children to raise all by herself with nary a penny of child support.  She worked 3 jobs 7 days a week.  My grandmother was supposed to babysit but she would often leave all day with my baby brother.  When I was 8 years old,  I was locked out of the house about 5 times.  I remained outside on the front porch from after school until 9PM when she FINALLY pushed my baby brother's stroller under the cover of darkness.  I could see her under the street lights as she approached my front porch.  I was cold, hungry and fortunately, my mother sent her packing after I snitched. 

When my father died,  I toiled working full time night shift while enrolled in school by day full time.  Eventually, I switched to day shift, ascended in my career and met the love of my life. I wasn't searching for anyone nor anticipating marriage either.  Heck, I never even had a boyfriend, never dated in high school, never had a relationship, none of it.  I was fine working hard and ascending in my career.

Once when I visited my cousin,  we used public transportation and I can't say I enjoyed it.  I'm unaccustomed to sharing my space with a bunch of strangers on a train or subway.   I do not like rail stations,  airports,  none of it.  I do not like crowds.  As for driving in traffic,  as long as I time traffic and drive freeways during off hours if it's not within my area,  there is a workaround.  As for local errands, doctor visits, visits with friends and the like,  there is no traffic.  Side streets and cars are sparse. 

Apartment life was OK but my personal preference is living in a suburban house.  To each his or her own. 

I like high quality linens,  towels,  throw blankets.  I have my favorites of all that at home as well.  I like a lot of things such as nice clothes,  shoes,  handbags and although I don't have a lot of jewelry,  I like my engagement ring, wedding band, my husband's wedding band, several earrings and necklaces.  I don't have a lot of jewelry but whatever I have is of very high quality and not puny.  It's not gaudy nor tacky either.  I like going to the hair salon.  I can do my own manicure / pedicure which looks professional.   I've always been this way ever since I was only 5 years old.  Ever since I was a little girl,  I've always been very dainty and feminine.  I had a toy box full of different shaped purses and make-up / manicure sets.  I enjoyed ice skating (as do my husband and sons).  

So, whatever that means is what it means to me.  It's a very comfortable,  blessed life indeed. 😊     

[Batya33]

I've never labeled what I do as apartment life or what friends who live in the burbs as private house-life. Or condo life or townhouse life, etc.  I have a home as do they.  What it looks like is largely irrelevant as long as to each of us it feels like home. 

  Which is for the OP - find what feels "at home". (I didn't bring up Starbucks other than as one thing my son and I used to do on the way to something else since it was down the block, just like our park -museum is 10 blocks away major live performance theaters/symphony 10-20 minute walk and our library for the story time we went to a 12 minute walk).  I too love the trees and fall colors and birds and ducks, squirrels and heron- they're on our one block walk to the park and/or in the park which is a lot like Central Park in NYC but is not NYC lol.  It's the backyard we share with lots of people!

OP -find what feels at home to you - it's often hard to discern what feels like at home vs. shoulds, vs. what your friends tell you should feel like home (but doesn't).  I saw a lot of different lifestyles -a benefit of marrying/having a baby later but if I had met the right guy I was ready in my early 20s.  I didn't intentionally postpone in that sense.  Although I did get in my own way a bit as I suspect you are as well OP.  When I knew what was right for me, when my husband and I knew what was right for us, I enjoyed observing others' choices that might differ from mine and was able to stick to what felt at home for me and my family.

And yes there is sometimes societal pressure -tune it out.  If you're not tuning it out sometimes it's because deep down you agree with whatever it is that's the source of the pressure. But not usually. 

I remember when my son was around 4 months old a male colleague of mine who called to congratulate me on the baby and ask a quick work question while I was on leave insisted I "must" buy a baby swing to get my son to sleep/nap well.  Must.  He was a very forceful type person. 

I hung up and said to my husband "Ok we HAVE to get a swing -I will look on Amazon now."  He looked at me and said "but why - he's sleeping just fine and why do we need one more thing in our house" (we were in temporary housing for the summer in order to spend time with family before we relocated). 

I paused.  I thought about it and I realized I was ready to jump and order another device/thing just because someone who had been through the baby/young kid phase said so.  I was so tired I guess I was so easily malleable.   OP -watch out for those vulnerable times when someone gives unsolcited input related to some quick fix/magic bullet for some problem you may or may not have.  Resist, pause, think it over.

Good luck.

[boltnrun]

Alex, I hope this discussion is helpful to you because it's gone off on a tangent lol.