Can't eat at people's home or what they bring that they cooked at home...

[Charlie1984]

Hi,

For some of my life when I was a kid, I didn't give it a whole lot of thought when it came to eating food at someone's house or the dish they made at home and brought to a gathering. Slowing through my young adulthood, I found myself straying from this. I take issue to eating something that I can't assess the cleanliness of it or how it was made. But now well into my 30s, I find myself repulsed by eating at someone's home that isn't my own or eating something made elsewhere. It's getting to the point that even when I see someone cooking on TV I am grossed out by the thought of digging into their finished dish. I do eat a restaurants with no issues, well at restaurants with A ratings and look clean anyways. I find this is becoming an issue when a co-worker or friend says they intend to bring something for me to try. It's such an uncomfortable topic now and not sure how to go about it. I have gotten some, thrown it away and was petrified someone would catch on. I have faked stomach issues. I have lied and said I did get some. I have been direct about my issue, didn't seem to go off well. Any advise on how to go about this? I really can't stomach it. I shouldn't have to feel this way but I do and I need help. Thanks so much!

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, Charlie1984 said:

I have gotten some, thrown it away 

That's fine. Just say thanks and find a way to dispose of it more discreetly. Or find other excuses, such as dieting or health restrictions, etc. For example dietetic, gluten-free, no-carb and a whole host of things that are trending and everyone seems to be on..

[Tinydance]

I don't know if I sound uptight but I really hate wasting food. It seems terrible to me to just throw it away. My suggestion would be not to take anything people give you if you were just going to get rid of it. Don't forget also this person actually cooked it themselves. They paid for the ingredients and took time to make it and you just throw it out. I mean, I understand you don't want to offend them. But is it not possible just to say something like: "No thank you, I'm not hungry at the moment." Maybe just try to avoid having to take the food to begin with.

If someone invites you over for dinner, maybe offer that you'll actually bring the meal yourself. Or invite them for dinner at your place and cook. 

In terms of eating at restaurants you can control that a lot better because you don't actually have to go there if you don't want to.

Do you feel in similar ways about any other things? Or it's only the food? Like, do you feel like surfaces are dirty or gross or door handles or anything like that?

The reason why I ask isn't to make you feel bad or anything. The way you feel is valid because that's just your feelings. I was just wondering whether you might like to talk to a medical professional about it?

I mean, people can feel in all kinds of ways but this actually seems a bit extreme. Most food at restaurants is fine because they have to actually follow particular cleanliness and food safety protocols. If they didn't the restaurant would eventually get shut down. When people cook at home, the ingredients are usually fresh,  no preservatives or chemical additives because the person made it themselves at home. 

I'm not saying you need to force yourself to eat these meals if you don't want to and it makes you anxious. To me this just seems like some kind of bigger issue. Like maybe having OCD but of course I don't know and I'm not a doctor.

[Cherylyn]

I too have issues with potlucks in particular.  I don't know if your cat sat on your kitchen counter as you cooked and prepared food to bring to the buffet table.  I don't know if you double dipped your same spoon while tasting and cooking the dish you brought to the potluck, backyard barbecue party or holiday meal.  I'm leery.  🥴

I'm fine at restaurants or doing take out meals but it's generally loaded with excessive amounts of sodium so we don't dine out nor take out meals often.  I cook a lot at home and we subsist on leftovers. 

Whenever I'm at someone's house, I tend to steer clear of a lot of food but I'm fine nibbling on pre-packaged appetizers, for example or chips.  I don't give myself a lot of food and end up pushing it around with my fork on the plate.  I decline desserts.  I eat before I leave home so I'm not starving at the host's house. 

Or, instead of eating at the host's house, offer to help!  Help set up, prepare food, serve and clean up after guests eat.  Contribute your labor.  Whenever I've hosted gatherings, I appreciate anyone who jumps right in to help without hesitation.  Don't wait for anyone to ask for help.  Generally, they won't ask for help but more hands make for light work.  People who help are godsends. 

As for the workplace or at someone's house, don't lie nor fake stomach issues which is deceitful.  Say, "No thank you" and repeat.  You don't have to give reasons.  After a while, they'll leave you alone. 

[DancingFool]

When intrusive, obsessive thoughts like this get to a point where it's affecting the quality of your life and relationships with people, it's time to seek professional help. On that note, undiagnosed and untreated issues get worse with age, which is exactly what you are experiencing. Please get proper help as this is well beyond the scope of well meaning chat boards.

[Seraphim]

16 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

I don't know if I sound uptight but I really hate wasting food. It seems terrible to me to just throw it away. My suggestion would be not to take anything people give you if you were just going to get rid of it. Don't forget also this person actually cooked it themselves. They paid for the ingredients and took time to make it and you just throw it out. I mean, I understand you don't want to offend them. But is it not possible just to say something like: "No thank you, I'm not hungry at the moment." Maybe just try to avoid having to take the food to begin with.

If someone invites you over for dinner, maybe offer that you'll actually bring the meal yourself. Or invite them for dinner at your place and cook. 

In terms of eating at restaurants you can control that a lot better because you don't actually have to go there if you don't want to.

Do you feel in similar ways about any other things? Or it's only the food? Like, do you feel like surfaces are dirty or gross or door handles or anything like that?

The reason why I ask isn't to make you feel bad or anything. The way you feel is valid because that's just your feelings. I was just wondering whether you might like to talk to a medical professional about it?

I mean, people can feel in all kinds of ways but this actually seems a bit extreme. Most food at restaurants is fine because they have to actually follow particular cleanliness and food safety protocols. If they didn't the restaurant would eventually get shut down. When people cook at home, the ingredients are usually fresh,  no preservatives or chemical additives because the person made it themselves at home. 

I'm not saying you need to force yourself to eat these meals if you don't want to and it makes you anxious. To me this just seems like some kind of bigger issue. Like maybe having OCD but of course I don't know and I'm not a doctor.

I agree, just don’t take the food. Food is so expensive it is ridiculous. Too expensive to throw out. Just say no. 

[boltnrun]

Have you ever seen inside a restaurant kitchen?

I understand how you feel about cleanliness. I too am somewhat of a fanatic about cleanliness. However, a mantra I've been using lately is "Well, it's highly unlikely this is going to kill me". And so far I haven't died from eating something someone else cooked.

But if it really does bother you, please say "no" as insistently as they tell you to eat. Persisting after you say "it looks terrific, but no thank you" is rude of them.

[Batya33]

I tend to be like  you about eating something where I don't know who/how prepared it other than certain restaurants or fast food places that are busy, clean looking, and under strict regulations here.  I have my regular sub shop -a chain -been going for years and it's almost always the same people preparing the sandwiches and I will ask nicely if I think they should wash hands again -like if he is putting a tray of uncooked cookie dough in the oven just before making my food (yes he wears plastic gloves but still).

Just say no thank you.  My friend won't eat in front of people -it's just how she is - so she attends all sorts of gatherings and makes sure they know in advance if they're making individual food or assuming she will eat -she brings her water bottle or drinks water.  She's charming company!

I do think your concerns are a bit "over the top" and with the pandemic and all we're all more on edge about hygiene and cleanliness.

An anecdote - when my son was 7 I took him on a plane to attend his grandfather's funeral.  We were to return a few days later.  He has no allergies to speak of.  We were at my inlaws' home after the funeral and as you can imagine many brought food.  This woman brought a homemade dish that I think contained some kind of meat -sort of like a savory pastry?

I did not want my son to eat it.  He's 7, I didn't know what the dish had in it (who knows if there was an allergy we didn't know of) but mostly - I didn't want him to get sick if the food was spoiled/contaminated - I didn't know the cook either. Didn't know how long it had been out of refrigerator or whatever.

We had a flight home a few days later.  So I politely told her no thanks for both of us. "looks so delicious and we're good thanks" This woman was relentless -she asked me why -I told her a white lie about potential allergies - she told me what was in it and I was like (inside) "lady I am the mom.  I get to choose what he eats and what he doesn't - it's none of your business".  She sort of meant well but basically her ego was bruised. And my son was curious to try but I simply didn't want to risk it.  There was plenty of food he could eat.  And desserts.  I really couldn't stand her persistence and found it so rude.  I don't do that to people.  I might offer and no is no.  

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Have you ever seen inside a restaurant kitchen?

I understand how you feel about cleanliness. I too am somewhat of a fanatic about cleanliness. However, a mantra I've been using lately is "Well, it's highly unlikely this is going to kill me". And so far I haven't died from eating something someone else cooked.

But if it really does bother you, please say "no" as insistently as they tell you to eat. Persisting after you say "it looks terrific, but no thank you" is rude of them.

We go on road trips so I don't always know if the restaurant is perfectly clean but I also know they're subject to standards and don't want bad rep from lots of people getting sick so I look the other way.  At most things. 

But I've been to pot lucks for example at a place of worship where I know they put the perishable food out hours in advance -or long after they should - and I stick to what is "safe" as Cherylyn said.  (I don't do restaurant buffets or salad bars anymore -we did one at Disney that was very clean and very heavily monitored so kids couldn't grab stuff with their hands).

I've seen people not clean their counters or cutting board sufficiently after having raw chicken nearby, etc. -all that cross contamination scares me.  And others have different standards than me as far as how long food can be left out or kept frozen and reheated. 

And yes for a lot of the pandemic I stopped buying my cooked sushi rolls at the market because that was a bit too much handsy stuff in prepping food I was going to eat cold.  I also don't eat lettuce anymore because that's typically the culprit in food poisoning at least where I live.  

I agree there's a point where that level of fear interferes with daily living - but I think you can work with this one.  Just make sure it doesn't get even more severe where you won't eat packaged foods at someone's home for example.  

 

[1a1a]

Co signing don’t take the food if you’re just going to throw it out

And if people are persistently pushy they’re being rude.

And this sounds like an actual manifestation of OCD and you have two choices, carry on living as you are right now with this limitation (which in my opinion is extreme) or seek mental health care to unpack the fear. 
 

I think if you never addressed it though that would be fine, just a quirk of being you, and an opportunity to endlessly practice defending your boundary of ‘no thank you, I don’t want the food. Please don’t give it to me. This looks like a good meal and I want you to enjoy it!’ (Having said that if society breaks down and the food chain breaks you may need to develop more mental resilience fast (I suspect your body’s resilience is already better than you’re giving it credit for. ))

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, Charlie1984 said:

. I find this is becoming an issue when a co-worker or friend says they intend to bring something for me to try. 

A lot of people's homecooking is less than stellar and you're afraid to hurt feelings. Sometimes especially at work, a white lie is best. 

After a polite refusal, it could persist so simply say you're on a special diet so they don't keep inflicting their goodies on you.

[jul-els]

You should see a doctor about this. This a problem only a trained professional can help you with to find out what makes you think/feel this way. 

[hundal]

Like you, I believe in keeping things clean and strongly advise against going somewhere unclean.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, jul-els said:

You should see a doctor about this. This a problem only a trained professional can help you with to find out what makes you think/feel this way. 

I think it depends on the extent and I think many were triggered with lasting effects from the pandemic (even though we learned the virus couldn't survive on food surfaces).  I do think if he stopped buying food at stores all together and went to more extremes I would agree.  There's such a range. 

Yesterday my local Starbucks put out samples of cake in little cups -has been years since I've seen that (meaning pandemic too) - I thought better of consuming one because it was out in the open so I wouldn't know if anyone had touched one or sneezed near one -it was crowded. In the past I would have taken one.  We have a ton of flu going around right now so why take the chance.

Many years ago I threw out a piece of pizza  served to my son -it was served by the birthday boy's father who walked in with the pizza opened the box and started serving with his bare hands.  Um nope.  I didn't care about the food waste -I took a piece by myself and was discreet about doing the switch.  Others ate it.  I didn't go to a doctor about my issue and luckily my son didn't eat the original slice.

[jul-els]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

I think it depends on the extent and I think many were triggered with lasting effects from the pandemic (even though we learned the virus couldn't survive on food surfaces).  I do think if he stopped buying food at stores all together and went to more extremes I would agree.  There's such a range. 

Yesterday my local Starbucks put out samples of cake in little cups -has been years since I've seen that (meaning pandemic too) - I thought better of consuming one because it was out in the open so I wouldn't know if anyone had touched one or sneezed near one -it was crowded. In the past I would have taken one.  We have a ton of flu going around right now so why take the chance.

I don’t know, everyone has their own limits. I have no problem with accepting food from people. I love food. I never get the flu, but to each their own. The op’s asking about his psychological aversion to it. I don’t think that’s anything a layperson can answer for him, imo. 

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, jul-els said:

I don’t know, everyone has their own limits. I have no problem with accepting food from people. I love food. I never get the flu, but to each their own. The op’s asking about his psychological aversion to it. I don’t think that’s anything a layperson can answer for him, imo. 

I have a particularly sensitive tummy so I have to be careful about certain ingredients- I get easily ill from doughnuts and deep fried food.  So if someone offered me that I'd have to say no even if I knew it was perfectly fresh and clean.  

I do think this is a layperson issue as he describes it since I don't see his thinking as over the top at this point.  Like I wrote if he was avoiding going into a store or other daily living stuff that would be over the top.  

[jul-els]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

I have a particularly sensitive tummy so I have to be careful about certain ingredients- I get easily ill from doughnuts and deep fried food.  So if someone offered me that I'd have to say no even if I knew it was perfectly fresh and clean.  

I do think this is a layperson issue as he describes it since I don't see his thinking as over the top at this point.  Like I wrote if he was avoiding going into a store or other daily living stuff that would be over the top.  

Ok. Different strokes for different folks.

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, jul-els said:

Ok. Different strokes for different folks.

Exactly -food is a really sensitive issue for so many people and not an issue at all for others an I think it's hard to relate to the wide range of attitudes, quirks, etc.  

[jul-els]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Exactly -food is a really sensitive issue for so many people and not an issue at all for others an I think it's hard to relate to the wide range of attitudes, quirks, etc.  

Just my opinion. Feel free to take it or leave it. 

[boltnrun]

I'm not so much icked out by the food itself but I am not a fan of communal serving utensils. I never really cared pre-pandemic (went to buffets without a second thought) but now...I see people rubbing their noses or coughing into their hands and then handling the serving spoons. Gross.

So I use my own serving utensils.

[catfeeder]

This is likely to get worse, not better, and can really cramp your life by extending to being unable to take a date to a restaurant. 
 

You may want to see a therapist, one who specializes in phobias and also practices hypnotherapy to tap the source of the problem.

Meanwhile, thank the nice people for being so thoughtful, but you have hard dietary restrictions and can no longer accept meals you haven’t prepared yourself. Don’t detail it.

[moodindigo91]

5 hours ago, jul-els said:

You should see a doctor about this. This a problem only a trained professional can help you with to find out what makes you think/feel this way. 

This is the solution. Sounds like you have some sort of phobia that is linked to stress or anxiety or perhaps is borne of stress or anxiety. You really need to work with a professional to learn how to navigate these fears in your daily life, especially as it seems to be getting worse over time. 

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, moodindigo91 said:

especially as it seems to be getting worse over time. 

Yes for sure if it gets worse.  I know people who confine their quirks and typically it's based on a bad experience like food poisoning or allergic reaction so they avoid one particular food that isn't really part of their lives anyway. My husband won't eat peanut butter because as a child he was scared of it from a cartoon about it getting stuck to the roof of your mouth -and my mother won't eat it (but both of them eat nuts) - because she simply hates the smell.  

I once met a new person for lunch.  There was a cilantro recall.  The recall seemed to be expanding.  Wouldn't you know it the two places she recommended both were heavy on the menu items with cilantro.  I feared cross contamination and also these restaurants weren't recalling yet -only supermarkets.  I was honest with her -that because of the recall could we please instead meet a half block away at a different and really good place? She said yes but I think as a first impression I put her off.

Similarly I will not eat raw fish ever -I have in my life -I was fine - but I won't take the chance anymore.  I will eat cooked sushi and realize that perhaps someone could use the same knife from the raw to cut the cooked. That risk I'm willing to take. So-should I see a therapist because if someone wants to get sushi I have to explain I can go but can't share raw stuff with them? I'm not allergic.  Just worried about illness.

If so then the people I know who are vegan and do intermittent fasting should see therapists as well.  Yes there are health benefits but it's also an extremely restricted way of eating and I've been in situations where I've had to accommodate people who eat this way.  I do not. 

I accommodate them because my focus is on spending time with the person -and if I don't like the vegan place well fine I'll order something small or a beverage and eat later.  I just don't see why the OP needs to see a therapist because of these restrictions but all these new trendy diets (yes some are trendy, some are not) that involve restricting where the person can eat out and the timing of eating etc are seen as "normal"

[boltnrun]

I know people who refuse to eat at buffets.  They think people sneeze and cough all over the food or take bites and put them back.  They aren't in therapy.  I also know someone who won't order from a food delivery service.  She says she knows FOR A FACT the delivery person sticks their fingers in and eats some of the food.  She is not in therapy.  Although I think that belief is a bit silly.

People have quirks.  I have a LOT of them due to the pandemic.  I actually am in therapy but that's because my anxiety caused me to have to quit my previous job (which ended up being a blessing in disguise!) and was causing me to be unable to live my life.  I'm better now.

But therapy because someone doesn't want to eat food cooked by someone whose cleanliness standards are unknown?  I don't know, that seems a bit over the top.  Unless, OP, you feel it is interfering with your daily life.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

I know people who refuse to eat at buffets.  They think people sneeze and cough all over the food or take bites and put them back.  They aren't in therapy.  I also know someone who won't order from a food delivery service.  She says she knows FOR A FACT the delivery person sticks their fingers in and eats some of the food.  She is not in therapy.  Although I think that belief is a bit silly.

I agree with you Bolt.

I do know that ubereats drivers eat from the food -at least some -been caught on camera. 

Here is my doordash story.  I opened the door to find a doordash bag at my door (apartment).  No one in sight.  I had not ordered food.  I checked the receipt/label and found a restaurant name but not the recipient.  Called restaurant -they did not know.  So I placed the bag in the fridge.  (Did not open the food -I opened the bag to see what was in it so perhaps I could describe to restaurant).  About 15 minutes later the driver pounds on my door and asks for the bag.  I give it to him -no apologies and no explanation.

So.  How does he know I didn't open the food and rewrap it? Tamper with it? How does he know if I left it out (or how long it was out in total -I guess he could estimate when he dropped it off but obviously there was a time lag there.  Answer- he doesn't.  Did he deliver it? Toss it? Who knows -and he didn't ask me if I'd refrigerated it or opened it, etc.

I did use to order food delivery many years ago from specific restaurants.  I don't do food delivery because I'd have to go all the way downstairs to meet the person (it's random if the person can gain access to the building) and it's just not convenient.  But also because the third party could have had the food out for a long time. Just like instacart -I've seen those supermarket delivery people leaving carts of perishables hanging around -no thanks  (And I like to pick my own stuff/produce).