Girl acting all emotional, need advice urgently!!!!(UPDATED)

[eddie500]

OK, I gave an update on this post

Posted: Sun Jun 05, 2005 4:26 am

This is the 33rd Reply in this post.

I also have an important question there! Advice needed.

 

Very intersting with personal stuff, please read and offer advice.

 

OK, I tend to think I have a lot of experience/knowledge picking up girls.. but I think I'm inexperienced when it comes to actually having a girl and keeping the relationship going smoothly.

 

This current girl which I just started seeing who totally seems to be into me is complaining about some of the ways I do things. Things happened rather quick between us and she was the one who asked me to sleep over asked me to have sex etc. We have been intimate for only 3 nights and I slept over each of those nights, and had sex. She is 27.

 

For example, she is complaining about that I didn't really call her or E-mail her the next day after we slept together. And she expects me to call her or write her like everyday???

She is also complaining that when I come over her place in the beginning of seeing her I will act totally normal.. and won't hug her or look at her in a way that shows that I like her. (I just like to do this in the first 30 minutes, becuase I think its fun)

Also stupid other stuff that I don't really give many complements etc.

 

She bascially says that I'm not showing any respect. But the thing is we spend hours together intimately, we stay up late into the night together being intimate etc. I'm very fun to be with and we laugh and always have interesting talk. SHe also has given me many completments like, she thinks I'm very good looking, loves my voice, thinks I'm intelligent, and talks about many other things that she likes in a man that I have. Bascially she does seem to like me.

 

But Why is she complaining about these small details? Is it becuase she really really likes me and wants to be always reassured that I like her?

Would someone that really likes someone, complain about these things?

 

So what is going on here? You people must understand that if I act too nice and too loving into the girl she will lose interest in me, as she will think she has me.

 

For example, look at this E-mail she just sent me... Why would she write me something like this?

 

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I know this is probably going to piss you off, but I just want to make myself clear:

 

As I said this morning, if you want to see me again, you will have to put some effort into it (and with this I do NOT mean money). If you want to see me again, you will treat me nicely and accordingly. Because I have been hurt before and I have been treated badly before and I am not going to get hurt and treated badly again.

 

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But please understand I have been treating her nicely trust me. ANd why would she be getting like this? I mean we only have been intimate since last saturday! Not even a week. Yes we did have sex but she was the one who asked for it!

 

I do like this girl a lot.. but I'm thinking that this girl can be carrying a lot of emotional baggage. When she is normal.. she is very fun to be with and speak with.. most of the time she was normal.

 

Also, why has told me that I got her to easy? What does that mean I got her to easy?

 

So please advice needed here, does this girl hate me or really have strong feelings for me? I'll tell you I'm not really sure about anything.

 

I asked her to tell me her true feelings, and she writes this back.

 

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and: as long as you havn't said one nice thing to me, i am certainly not going to tell you how i feel towards you. sorry, thats a risk you have to face. you are the guy. you are supposed to make the first step.

 

plus i don't really think it is all because of what i feel for you or not. i am just really sensitive to not being treated nicely (ask my brother, we fight because of that a lot of times, because he can also be rude, and i will simply not take i! t)

 

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SO need some advice here. All viewpoints are welcome.

 

But you must understand I'm not acting mean. ANd I don't really like that this girl is making me feel that I'm treating her badly because I'm not.

 

I am bascially acting like a man..

[DN]

She sounds like an emotionally high-maintenance girl, a bit like an exotic hot-house flower - looks great but needs a lot of attention. Who knows what happened in her previous relationships - whether it was her demanding too much or them not giving enough, but the fact she also blames her brother for the same sort of thing is a red flag to me, not every man in her life can be at fault.

 

How does her father treat her? If he treats her like a princess, she may think she is one.

 

Compromise may be in order - some of the things she wants you may be able to do, but if you feel she is demanding too much, or is trying to control how you behave, then tell her she had better calm down or find someone else to flatter her.

[arwen]

I don't think she is necessarily high maintenance. I think the both you you have opposed behaviours and needs due to the past.

 

You don't want to be too caring/loving because in the past that meant a girl would lose interest, she has been hurt and is scared it will happen again, thereforeeee she needs more reassurance.

 

I think there is a gap in (non)verbal communication. She needs more attention, the last time she was intimate with someone she got hurt. You feel like she blames you for not caring enough.

 

Maybe the two of you should take things slower. At least try to really open up the lines of communication. See what happens if you do give in a little bit, call her a bit more often this week and try to be a bit more affectionate if you see her.

 

I think she is very scared to feel used for sex, that is not your fault. I recognize myself in part of the description you give of her. I had a period in my life I behaved the same

 

Take care,

 

Ilse.

[Rainz]

I think she doesn't feel that you're attentive enough towards her, says that you haven't not one nice thing to her...do you pay her compliments? Do you notice if she gets a new hairdo? A new outfit or something? ...I also think that you perhaps don't come onto her and initiate sex, it seems she is the one doing it and they may well be making her feel insecure.

Do the two of you go out places together? Or do you only meet up at her place? She may feel you should be taking her out as well? Who knows?

 

Ultimately though, you need to talk this out with her, and explain to her the tings you have told us here. That you feel you are making the effort etc...maybe she needs to be more specific about what she wants from you, after all, you're not a mind reader.

[imagi]

You just started dating this girl? My concern is just that.. she's expecting all of these things.. and you just started dating. She sounds very insecure with your relationship.. Maybe you could put a little more effort into the relationship. Call her or text her a compliment during the day so she knows your thinking about her or what not. At the same time.. expecting you to do that every day nonstop sounds a little excessive..

 

I'm really very torn. If I were you, her behaviour would have turned me off by now. There's a line between needing that reassurance and asking a lot of someone you want to be with.

[eddie500]

I'm really very torn. If I were you, her behaviour would have turned me off by now. There's a line between needing that reassurance and asking a lot of someone you want to be with.

 

I am turned off by that behavior, I do like this girl but I don't like this new behavior of hers. Yes we were only together less than a week.. and I think this is far too much.

 

I mean she is bascially giving me an ultimatum, and I'm too proud to really take any ultimatum's from a girl.

[Iceman26]

Right on man, dont take that kind of crap.

 

You want someone you can be yourself around, not a puppet dancing on some girls strings. She is telling you how to behave, what, are you a child?

 

Run away from this girl dude. If she is acting like this in the beginning, can you imagine how she is going to be 6 months to a year down the line?

 

Get out while you can!

[DN]

I find it passing strange that, despite women's equality, we are still hearing calls for the man to be the one who had to pay compliments, call the next day, take her out .. . come on, folks, this is the 21st century. Why can't she call the next day; why can't she take you out? Just because she had sex with you doesn't mean you owe her anything, anymore than she owes you anything; presumably, she got as much out of the sex as you did.

 

She says she has been treated badly in the past but is that just because they didn't meet her expectations, or because they were genuinely nasty? In any event, there is no reason for her to take any real or imagined bad behaviour by exes out on you.

[eddie500]

Well this is interesting, After all her complaining about the way I act, and about having to treat her nicely and accordingly "just read my first post above"

 

She sends me this when I was out today.

Email at 8:27PM

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what about this: if you want to, you can come over, and we have a nice evening (for a change). I took a nice long nap, so I am totally relaxed, not tired, not aggressive, not b*tchy... We could go for a walk, or go rent a movie, or go someplace and have a drink... If you want to, I can come and pick you up at your place so you don't have to bother taking the tram. I would really like to spend some NICE time with you. What do you think?

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Email at 8:57PM

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I am not sure, if you just didn't read my email or if you just don't feel like seeing me. If you don't want to see me, please tell me. I don't have a problem with it if you just don't want to come over.

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Email at 9:37PM

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I would really like to see you. I would also come over to your place. please give me a call, please

 

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Like she is really complaining how I'm acting, but really wants to spend time with me, I mean I just saw her last night. What do think of this?

[DN]

Interesting. She may be fine now - but what happens when she gets tired and stressed?

 

Did you call or message her? If so what did you say?

[Flora]

Yeah...well. I think for being the first week she is being a bit too demanding. I do agree that you should have called her the day after sex. Perhaps I'm old fashioned. Like some of the other posters said, it's time for a heart to noggin w/this gerlie. Just tell her how you feel about her and say that you don't want to be moving this fast. It's nothing personal, and your intentions aren't to hurt her. Damn...I've been seeing a guy for nearly a month, we've slept together, go out once or twice a week...have a great time every time. He's very affectionate and attentive...but hasn't once given me any outright COMPLIMENTS....I'm not pushing it though...i'm all about taking it slow. I want it to be real...I want him to know me. Remind her that actions speak louder than words. Be kind.

[DN]

I do agree that you should have called her the day after sex.

 

Not to be argumentative - but why couldn't she have called him. Why is the onus on the man to be the one to call? Especially when she was the one to initiate sex in the first place.

 

It's all very well to be old-fashioned - but are you old fashioned enough to be paid less for the exact same work, or not to have the right to vote, or be obedient to your husband? With equal rights comes equal responsibilities - and that applies to maintaining relationships as well.

[DropToZero]

Wow Eddie!!! CONGRATS MAN!!! You have escalated to the same level I was at with the last girl I went out with...except you and your girl have gone much further hehe

 

Anyways....she seems VERY clingy....I don't know what it is...

 

I think its hard when you're in the place you're in right now....to see this from a different perspective...b/c I didn't see it during my time with the girl I with until after we were over. Maybe I can help clear some things up...okay...here goes...

 

Email at 8:27PM Email at 8:57PM Email at 9:37PM

 

Okay for one right there....that's very clingy..she may as well have called you 3 times in the past hour praying you'll pick up b/c she wants to spend tim with you. Do NOT give in, as much fun as you are having with her...she does NOT own you, she is NOT your g/f ...yet, but I have a feeling she could be. Think about this tho...3 emails in an hour, this girl is obviously soooooooo frickin crazy about you right now, she cannot get you out of her mind...and you're obviously in control of the entire situation b/c she is complaining so much.

 

Personally...I'd put her in check with that...say "I've only known you a week, I'm havin an awesome time, but we're NOT b/f and g/f, so don't act like we're exclusive already!" She won't 'give you up' if you keep doing what you're doing, this girl so obviously cannot get you off her mind. She's really attracted to the point that its driving her nuts that you're not with her right now, and if you give in(too much), you'll be giving her what she wants...and you and I both know what happens then...so don't. If she wants to be exclusive, she'll say so....and it seems like she wants that already lol...I dont know what you want, but you've done an awesome job so far...b/c you have to see this from another angle with it being a girl that you love being with, but also won't leave you alone.

 

Hah, now help me...I'm having a hard time thinking I can 'start over' again after my recent events...send me a prvt man, tell me what you're doing with her to get her this crazy, just wanna see what you've been doing...maybe learn something. Later

[ShySoul]

This is what happens when you have sex with someone, especially early on in a relationship. With sex comes emotions and a deep attachment. She is feeling very attached to you and, rather or not you want to consider her clingy, this is something you have to deal with. I am sure you are not being mean to her, but you also aren't looking at this as a serious commitment. She, on the other hand, is. She's allowed herself to get very very close to you, and seemingly wants things to go further between you two. It's not like either of you is really wrong or mistaken, its that you have two different ideas of where this relationship is at.

 

If you sleep with someone, the least you can do is call her the next day. That's just polite and shows that what happened was important to you. The last thing a girl wants is to sleep with someone and then not hear from them, wondering if thats all the guy wanted in the first place. And talking each day is also appreciated. It doesn't have to be a long conversation, but a quick call or letter to say hi and ask how they are goes a long way in showing someone that you are thinking of them. It's this kind of simple gesture that makes a girl feel special and important.

 

Girls like compliments. Give them. Again, its just a small gesture of appreciation for her. You may think its fun to play around with her and be distant for a while, but from her point of view you are giving her the cold shoulder and ignoring her.

 

She says she has been hurt in relationships, you refer to her pain as "emotional baggage." Maybe instead of looking at her feelings as something negative that will cause problems, you should look at it as something you can help her through. She probably has been hurt before and is now leery that you will turn out to be a jerk like the other guy was. This is all the more reason why she needs to hear compliments, told how much you care. Otherwise shes going to think you are like the people in her past who hurt her. Show her that you are different.

 

Maybe she feels like you did get her too easily. She slept with you pretty quickly, that is pretty much the definition of getting someone easily. She probably feels like she got too attached too quickly and is wondering if thats a mistake on her part. She needs to see signs from you that it wasn't a mistake and that you really do love her.

 

She gives you lots of compliments. Maybe she feels like she is putting all the effort into this relationship? She compliments you, she emails you, she asks to see you and asks you to stay over. Maybe she wants to see more effort coming from you? Perhaps she would like it if you asked her to stay over at your place. Perhaps she needs to hear that shes good looking, intellgent, and an incredible women. Perhaps she wants to feel like you need to be with her as much as she needs you. This is part of being intimate, taking the initiative and making her feel special by doing small but thoughful things like calling someone just to say hi, even if its only for 5 minutes.

 

If you want a girl to be interested in you, you have to show them you are. It won't be acting too nice or too loving and she won't lose interest. I've learned this the hard way, you have to show her how much you care. This isn't a matter of one person having the other, if you play that game you will end up losing her. So to quote a song, "swallow your pride, buy the roses, if you love her tell her so."

 

She spelled it out for you. Listen to her words and act on them:

 

"you are supposed to make the first step...plus i don't really think it is all because of what i feel for you or not. i am just really sensitive to not being treated nicely"

 

She's been making so many steps and giving so much of herself, but she doesn't feel you are taking the initiative like a guy is suppose to do. She is also sensitive about being treated with respect, most likely because of something that happened to her in the past.

 

I'm sure you are not treating her badly, but you aren't treating her with the kind of special attention and respect that you would give to a girlfriend. And if you've slept with someone 3 times and been intimate and friendly as you say, thats what she is going to expect.

[Rainz]

It's only been a week?? I didn't realise, she does need to really calm herself down and just relax at this point........but then as Shysoul says, that's what can happen when sex happens early in the relationship.

 

I agree that he should have called her the next day, it would show that she's on his mind and it isn't just in it for a quick fling. Because things happened so quickly she may be feeling that he's only possibly using her for sex or something?

[Flora]

I do agree that you should have called her the day after sex.

 

Not to be argumentative - but why couldn't she have called him. Why is the onus on the man to be the one to call? Especially when she was the one to initiate sex in the first place.

 

It's all very well to be old-fashioned - but are you old fashioned enough to be paid less for the exact same work, or not to have the right to vote, or be obedient to your husband? With equal rights comes equal responsibilities - and that applies to maintaining relationships as well.

 

 

Well, I think most would agree that men and women are equal in those areas you mentioned. Women still enjoy being courted and feeling like the object of a man's desire. Love, sex, and emotion tend to be a gray in respect to equal rights. This woman obviously isn't into having meaningless sex, and although she initiated it she probably anticipated more from him then just sex. Judging by his posts I doubt he would have given her the impression that he was just looking for sex. I could be wrong. The guy I'm dating now didn't call me the day after we had sex, and I didn't call him either. I was a little pissed at first, but I got over it.

[DN]

I do agree that you should have called her the day after sex.

 

Not to be argumentative - but why couldn't she have called him. Why is the onus on the man to be the one to call? Especially when she was the one to initiate sex in the first place.

 

It's all very well to be old-fashioned - but are you old fashioned enough to be paid less for the exact same work, or not to have the right to vote, or be obedient to your husband? With equal rights comes equal responsibilities - and that applies to maintaining relationships as well.

 

 

Well, I think most would agree that men and women are equal in those areas you mentioned. Women still enjoy being courted and feeling like the object of a man's desire. Love, sex, and emotion tend to be a gray in respect to equal rights. This woman obviously isn't into having meaningless sex, and although she initiated it she probably anticipated more from him then just sex. Judging by his posts I doubt he would have given her the impression that he was just looking for sex. I could be wrong. The guy I'm dating now didn't call me the day after we had sex, and I didn't call him either. I was a little pissed at first, but I got over it.

 

Was he a little pissed that you did not call him? Why should men not enjoy being courted and being the object of a woman's desire? As I said, it's all very well being traditional when it suits you but then don't complain if there is a double standard that traditionally works against you.

[Flora]

no...actually he wasn't pissed. He apologized for not calling me...sincerely. I think said poster has been shown that he is the object of her desire...apparently she tells him so. So...i think we'll just have to accept the fact that SOME THINGS will never change. Women are emotional creatures...you can debate that all you want...but it's a fact.

[DN]

no...actually he wasn't pissed. He apologized for not calling me...sincerely. I think said poster has been shown that he is the object of her desire...apparently she tells him so. So...i think we'll just have to accept the fact that SOME THINGS will never change. Women are emotional creatures...you can debate that all you want...but it's a fact.

 

A fact is something that is capable of proof - how can you prove that something will never change? Most of the advances that women have made over the last hundred years were at one point held to be impossible because they were not subject to change - but they did anyway.

 

As to women being emotional - that was also the argument made by those men who wanted to hold women back from positions of power and responsibility.

[DropToZero]

This is what happens when you have sex with someone, especially early on in a relationship. With sex comes emotions and a deep attachment

 

You would know this...how?

 

If you sleep with someone, the least you can do is call her the next day.

 

Again..how?...and why couldn't she call?

 

She needs to see signs from you that it wasn't a mistake and that you really do love her

 

love her? lol ...he's known her a week

 

 

She's been making so many steps and giving so much of herself, but she doesn't feel you are taking the initiative like a guy is suppose to do. She is also sensitive about being treated with respect, most likely because of something that happened to her in the past.

 

Again...he's known her for a 1! WEEK period!...they ARE NOT b/f an g/f...he doesnt HAVE to do anything

 

Eddie give us some response as to what's goin on...Shy..as usual...your comments always sound great...but you're still posting on things you don't know about personally...and I don't like that. Taken from other posts that you have in this forum, I know you're a virgin, so don't comment on his sex life. If he gives in, he'll be doing exactly what she wants, and then she's in control....eddie...don't lose sight of all you've worked for man....remember to stay in control of yourself and your emotions, you and I both know that is how it will all work out. later

[Flora]

no...actually he wasn't pissed. He apologized for not calling me...sincerely. I think said poster has been shown that he is the object of her desire...apparently she tells him so. So...i think we'll just have to accept the fact that SOME THINGS will never change. Women are emotional creatures...you can debate that all you want...but it's a fact.

 

A fact is something that is capable of proof - how can you prove that something will never change? Most of the advances that women have made over the last hundred years were at one point held to be impossible because they were not subject to change - but they did anyway.

 

As to women being emotional - that was also the argument made by those men who wanted to hold women back from positions of power and responsibility.

 

Do you bleed out of your hoohaw one week out of every month? Do posess the ability to carry a child inside your body and then have to squeeze it out through your hoohaw...Do you ever cry no apparent reason whatsoever? Yeah women deal with this crap, because it's in our BIOLOGICAL MAKE UP...hormones...Perhaps some good drugs or a intensive medical procedure could change all of that ....so maybe you are right there...but for most of us we deal with it -- we have careers, we vote, we know what's going on in the world. I'm not trying to have a debate about women's rights...I'm a woman for crying out loud! All I'm trying to say is when a woman gives herself to a man, it's a delicate thing...a lot of emotions get involved--not to say they don't for men--but we are different in how we handle relationships and our emotions. A good deal of us are able to keep our emotions/hormones out of our professional lives. I'm not saying it's not OK for a girl to call the day after sex. I just think that in most cases a man should call the next day. Now...I don't know this for A FACT, but I'm willing to bet that more men use women for sex, then women use men. Men can detach themselves emotionally from sex more easily then women. Why is this? Not sure....Yet again, I'm guessing it's biology. So...without getting into some debate about the advancement of women throughout history...I think I've provided sufficient proof for my argument. Way to stick up for the ladies though...for that you rock!

[DN]

no...actually he wasn't pissed. He apologized for not calling me...sincerely. I think said poster has been shown that he is the object of her desire...apparently she tells him so. So...i think we'll just have to accept the fact that SOME THINGS will never change. Women are emotional creatures...you can debate that all you want...but it's a fact.

 

A fact is something that is capable of proof - how can you prove that something will never change? Most of the advances that women have made over the last hundred years were at one point held to be impossible because they were not subject to change - but they did anyway.

 

As to women being emotional - that was also the argument made by those men who wanted to hold women back from positions of power and responsibility.

 

Do you bleed out of your hoohaw one week out of every month? Do posess the ability to carry a child inside your body and then have to squeeze it out through your hoohaw...Do you ever cry no apparent reason whatsoever? Yeah women deal with this crap, because it's in our BIOLOGICAL MAKE UP...hormones...Perhaps some good drugs or a intensive medical procedure could change all of that ....so maybe you are right there...but for most of us we deal with it -- we have careers, we vote, we know what's going on in the world. I'm not trying to have a debate about women's rights...I'm a woman for crying out loud! All I'm trying to say is when a woman gives herself to a man, it's a delicate thing...a lot of emotions get involved--not to say they don't for men--but we are different in how we handle relationships and our emotions. A good deal of us are able to keep our emotions/hormones out of our professional lives. I'm not saying it's not OK for a girl to call the day after sex. I just think that in most cases a man should call the next day. Now...I don't know this for A FACT, but I'm willing to bet that more men use women for sex, then women use men. Men can detach themselves emotionally from sex more easily then women. Why is this? Not sure....Yet again, I'm guessing it's biology. So...without getting into some debate about the advancement of women throughout history...I think I've provided sufficient proof for my argument.

 

Except I don't agree, you have offered no proof at all -merely more opinion. My opinion is that menstruation and childbearing are not reasons to hold women back from doing what they want to and are fully capable of doing - but neither should they be used as a means to assert a double standard to women's advantage.

 

Eddie is asking serious questions about a woman he has known for a week who is making all sorts of emotional and relationship demands on him after she came on to him for sex. There is nothing wrong with a woman initiating sex - but it is hardly traditional at that stage of a relationship. To jump back and forth from non-traditional behaviour to traditional behaviour is, to say the least, confusing and is bound to cause problems in any relationship - especially one that has barely started. There is a strong likelihood that, if he he continues a relationship with her, that this sort of thing will occur again, and probably more intensely.

[Flora]

Except I don't agree, you have offered no proof at all -merely more opinion. My opinion is that menstruation and childbearing are not reasons to hold women back from doing what they want to and are fully capable of doing - but neither should they be used as a means to assert a double standard to women's advantage.

 

Eddie is asking serious questions about a woman he has known for a week who is making all sorts of emotional and relationship demands on him after she came on to him for sex. There is nothing wrong with a woman initiating sex - but it is hardly traditional at that stage of a relationship. To jump back and forth from non-traditional behaviour to traditional behaviour is, to say the least, confusing and is bound to cause problems in any relationship - especially one that has barely started. There is a strong likelihood that, if he he continues a relationship with her, that this sort of thing will occur again, and probably more intensely.

 

I agree with you in regards to Eddie's post. I think things are moving way too fast too soon with them. I'm guessing that Eddie was genuinely nice to this girl and gave the impression that he was interested in more than sex from her. So..despite the fact that she intiated sex, she's looking for more--we've agreed, a bit too much. And do we really know all the details of what was said...the context...etc...is it any of our business? Probably not. We may have gotten a bit off subject with this one. Some things will never change...women's emotional nature...that is. Labeling behavior as being "traditional" or "non tradtional" is plain silly. If the girl wants to call the guy, and it ain't no thang if he doesn't call her...that's awesome. I wouldn't tell a girlfriend to be mad because he didn't call her the day after sex. To each her own...but I could see where she would be. As far as my argument about women's emotional nature...yeah the proof is there...it's biology. Men may not like us for it sometimes, but they have to deal with it too. Not claiming that's an easy job. either We don't always like them checking out other girls either. This is just the way things are...

[DN]

Well, we shall have to agree to disagree - especially about your 'silly' observation; I don't find that sort of remark conducive to intelligent discussion.

[Flora]

Well, we shall have to agree to disagree - especially about your 'silly' observation; I don't find that sort of remark conducive to intelligent discussion.

 

I'm sorry. I didn't know that we had to be so serious. I could have used another word....but I thought I would be respectful.