imagi

I started cutting to feel something. I was numb. I stopped, and I started again pretty seriously because of a lot of negative crap that was happening in my life. All of those 'incidents' were because I was numb, or because I needed to feel real pain. Pain that people could see because the pain that I was being given, no one was believing because the person who was abusing me never physically hurt me enough to leave marks. . so a bit of both I guess

I have to admit I didn't read this really thoroughly, I just skimmed. But, it doesn't sound like your friend doesn't care, they might be acting like it, but it doesn't sound like they don't care at all. I know when I was younger, my friends knew what I was doing, but never mentioned anything to me because they were afraid to. When I came outright and told them that I wanted to stop and I was trying, they never said anything when they saw cuts. They didn't try to smother me, and it wasn't because they weren't worried or didn't care, because they were and they did, but it was because they didn't want it to seem like they were going to be the self-injury police. They let me take things at my own pace, and still to this day will listen. I know that if I ever started to cut again, they would be just as supportive, and probably wouldn't say anything again out of fear of offending me or smothering me with help. As for what other people are saying, it does sound like your main motivation to stop hurting yourself is other people.. if it's other people it won't last. Use other people to help you stop, but don't start trying to stop unless its just for you. I'm sorry to hear about your family situation though, I hope it gets better.

When I did cut, they were usually not super super deep cuts, but they certainly weren't scatches. I'd cut deep enough that they would bleed for awhile at least. I don't think I can ever remember having a cut that bled too much for me.

Last summer while I was home, I sought out my counsellor from a couple of years ago to look through my files. It was an uphill battle just to have access to my files because they thought I was trying to sue them or something. Anyway, I read over my file to find out when was the last time that I had cut myself. It took me awhile to find the session, but I found out that it was August 15. By the time I got to read it though, it was past the 15th so I couldn't celebrate my accomplishment. This year -- I vowed to not miss it. I just got back from being out a celebration with all my friends.. and believe me it was a very ecclectic bunch.. I separate groups of friends that never mingle, so it was interesting. Anyway, I just thought I would post here because this is the closest thing I have to a group of people who understand the triumph of lasting four years. My friends are supportive, and always have been.. but a lot of them don't understand the battle that it is to get up on a daily basis and make it through until bedtime with cutting. I wanted to post this too, as a testiment. It's brutal. There are days I don't know how I'm going to make it the day. It's a constant struggle, and something that -- for the most part -- I deal with internally. But, it's possible. I never give myself any sort of encouragement, and I always down play when I've done well. But not today. I'm sorry if this seems pompish to anyone who is reading this, but I'm just happy for myself for once.. Anyways, I'm exhausted and have to work in the morning.

I'm trying to think of what started it. Before I had started to cut, I had been zoning out.. being numb and such. I really just wanted to feel something, I hated feeling all the pain, rage, self-loathing etc, and there happened to be a broken piece of glass around the one day that I happened to slip into this.. 'trance' type thing. It seemed like a good idea at the time...

I don't know. If they aren't listening to how you feel, and are being insensitive and jerkish like that.. Aside from screaming at them or not talking to them ever again, I don't see how that's going to be solved. Seriously, what kind of person doesn't listen to someone when they say something like that? I'm sorry you've been put in this situation.

I agree with the other posters, but it might just be that your friends are horrifically dense. My best friend was addicted to cocaine/heroin pretty bad for awhile, but he stopped. His other friends always used to joke when they'd go out to party that they couldn't do either of them. It drove him crazy and made him feel like hell.. because they wouldn't quit and we're always on about "Oh, we can't do this because SOMEONE'S a coke head".. They were stupid enough that they didn't think "oh what I'm saying is going to be hurting him in some way". He had to vehemently blow up at them to make them realize that what they were saying was effecting him so much. Now, they're pretty much fine. He obviously hasn't forgotten about it, and it bothers him.. but yeah So what I'm attempting to get at is, your friends are obviously being idiots, but it might not be that they're trying to hurt you.. It might just be that they're that dense.

I don't know what the age of 'adultness' is there in England. In Canada, if someone is under 16, the doctor has the right to decide whether or not the person is causing enough harm to themselves to warrant intervention, and I know they can break patient/doctor confidentiality because you're still a minor. I don't really hear of that happening a lot, but I know not all doctors are willing to be discreet when the person is still under 16. I had a friend who's doctor told their parents about her cutting because he decided she was "causing harm to self or others". I don't know what you're doctor's like, but I thought I'd add that. To me though, everyone's right going to your doctor seems like the best plan still.

rock on metallica chick. keep up the good work!

Normally I'm really comfortable with age gap relationships. I really see no problem if too people are both at the same level of understanding and living their life... But, for me I've seen a lot of relationships flop when they were between someone 16 or younger and 18 or over. I'm not saying it can't work, but most people do a lot of growing up between 14 and 16. It doesn't seem like many years difference, but most 18 year olds are life years away in terms of maturity (not to say that most 18 year olds are extremely mature to start with) from people who are you younger. I argue about this with my friend a lot because he has a fascination with dating 15 year olds (he's 18), but then he wonders why the relationship rarely works out.. Oh well. This probably isn't what you wanted to hear, sorry.

It took me awhile to read through everything that you wrote. By the time I was done, I was just left with this overwhelming sense of shock and horror for everything that you've had to go through. I can't even imagine someone doing all of that to you, and then at the end financially screwing you over because her mother told her she could. I'm so sorry for everything that you've had to go through. Seriously, I can't even think of what to say to that. I have no idea how I would cope with something like that.. I hope things pan out for you in the end.

I just wanted to say that I find all of the people that post here inspirational. Whether its been 18 years, a day and a half, or you haven't been able to stop cutting.. I find it all inspirational to me when I find it hard to continue on not cutting. Kudos!

I'm far too tired to intelligently comment about what was said above in the thread, so I'll stick to what it was started for. 1434 long and gruelling days. 3 years 11 months and 3 days

By the time you read this it'll be 30 days hopefully. congrats! You should be really proud of yourself.

When I get like that I get scared too =( I don't even know what to say because I know how attracting/appealing/mesmermizing it is to be involved in cutting and how completely absorbing it is. You've got the strength in you to stop, but it might take awhile for you to stop forever and for always. I wonder if you've told your friends or family about the slip up. I knwo you said before that you hadn't, but some time had passed since then.

There was a big thread on here the other day discussing what constitutes 'rape'. I personally believe that if it wasn't consentual sex, it's not right.. but it isn't legally considered rape unless there has been a definate moment where the person has said no. If someone violates your personal space or has sex with you in a manner which isn't consenual.. I consider that to basically be rape without the fighting.. If that makes sense.

That's fantastic! Good for you.

I know what your going through. I remember exactly what it was like trying to stop and how difficult it was all 7000 times I actually made an attempt at quitting before I could do it for real. Be strong for yourself. You know you can do it. You did it for two weeks. Even if it seems impossible, it can be done. Cutting is a coping tool, and stopping when your addicted is just as hard as quitting any other addiction. You need to learn how to do everything that involved any sort of stress, and that sort of personal growth takes large quantities of time, stress, love, and ice cream. .. sorry.. I'm here for you if you need someone to rant to. Keep up the good work and stay strong

I can see the previous poster's point.. However, should there not be a point in this guy's life where he realizes that his relationship with his mother is interfering with the possibility of him having his own family and close contacts. I can understand your frustration. My ex boyfriend wasn't half as bad as your boyfriend that your with now, and it drove me nuts. Hope's right though. You're going to have to make a decision about whether or not this is something that you can deal with for the rest of your life, and if it's not.. you're going to need to figure a lot of things out. This guy is not going to change, and if he isn't listening to your concerns, then he isn't even respecting your opinion on the situation. It's sweet that he cares for his mom the way that he does, but you guys need to have time for the two of you that is mother free also.

Maybe you can get your friends to run interference for you. Make the trek out to Scarborough, and ask your friends to cover for you. If you work, tell your mom/grandma that your shifts are longer than they really are so you can get your girlfriend to come into your area of town to hang out with you, or you can go out to Scarborough. Lying and sneaking around isn't the best solution to things, but if your parents aren't letting you make your own choices and mistakes, sometimes it can be the only solution. You've done the mature and responsible thing, you've tried to be reasonable with your family, and they aren't treating you like you deserve to be treated. If your girlfriend were being a bad influence or what not, I can understand that your grandma/mom wouldn't want you to see her, but you guys sound like you're good for each other.

A lot of people insist that "once you stop you need to stop forever and if you slip up that's bad on you". I however, don't believe that for a second. If you're making the effort to stop, good for you. If you slip, learn from it. Use your mistakes to teach you how to do better the next time you try. If it helps, set your own goals like "I'm going to go another two weeks at least". I don't know if this helps. I hope it does. There is no formula for stopping, just.. be proud of what you can do, and learn from when you can't. If you're having problems contacting one counsellor, is there another that you could possibly speak to? Good luck again. I hope your successful =)

I'm sorry to hear that happened. Don't ever feel like a complete failure. It's rare that people stop 'cold turkey'. I haven't met anyone that's been able to do it. They've all relapsed (including myself) several times before they were able to give it up for good. If you want a counsellor with your history, pick the one that you felt the most comfortable with and that you feel that could be the most help to you, and give them a call. Just tell them that you're having a really hard time, and need an appointment asap. They may be better now. I've actually told several people to go by the double up rule. If you made it a day.. go for two the next time.. and then for four etc. I don't know if that helps you any, and I know several people find it preposterous to suggest that to someone.. but it's worked with a lot of my friends and even myself.

Awesome on you. You should be proud of yourself =)

With the exception of my one friend, who cuts as a way of decorating his skin.. my friends who cut are terrified of letting people know that they cut. I've seen some of them go to really strange lengths to hide their cuts/scars.

Warm up with something smaller. Get him to use his fingers (or something about the same size?) before you try full on anal sex. When your comfortable with something smaller, try him again. Take it slowly though. If your serious about trying it, give it some time otherwise you'll only end up hurting yourself in the long run.