30 And Never Had A Girlfriend, Too Ugly?

[Mammalyssa]

4 minutes ago, mylolita said:

Curious to know how the ladies and the gents feel about this new climate!

 

Are we allowed discussions like this on eNA moderators? @HeartGoesOn!

 

x

Have you not heard the saying... sometimes it's easier to ask forgiveness than ask permission! Lol 

[mylolita]

32 minutes ago, Distressedmamma said:

Have you not heard the saying... sometimes it's easier to ask forgiveness than ask permission! Lol 

Priceless!!!

 

x

[Batya33]

17 hours ago, mylolita said:

find making friends so easy - it's just like, one day, we were talking, next week, they are here having coffee at the house, and the week after, our kids are playing together, then they constantly text, and arrange meet ups etc. The thing I find difficult is thinking, is this person someone I deeply click with? Plenty of nice conversations and even deep conversations can be had but, when all is said and done, was it just a nice time? Do I really care for them? 

To me those are acquaintances not friends -I find that easy too -not in person lately but when my son was younger I met several parents at various playgrounds and activities. I met a lovely family here in my city for a year from Korea and we met at the school bus stop and then would meet with the kids after school.  Lovely mom and kids- my son and them enjoyed playing together but I'd never have been good friends with her -not enough in common - although ironically we emailed after years of not when the tragedy happened recently in Seoul. 

I've been going on biweekly parent walks with the parents from my son's new school. One woman I spoke to for 20 minutes -nice convo -she reached out to meet up one on one so we did.  And I found her cold/distant/self-absorbed.  Asked almost nothing about me/my family despite having ample opportunity.  She didn't text after -I mean I guess it was on me to make another plan but she didn't seem into me lol.  I've seen her 3 more times at the group walk and we're cordial.  I could ask her and she'd likely say yes -on a superficial level.  I don't really need that (and her children are much younger than my son).  

 I'm talking about making lasting friendships.  I think this is related to the OP in this sense -I could ruminate over why that parent wasn't into me -did I do anything wrong? It's been very hard to meet people during the pandemic -also no volunteer work for years, etc.  I could wonder if it was my clothes, my looks, etc - I can see where if this happened every time you go down that path but I have enough of a foundation of reasonable confidence not to go there to any extreme. The OP doesn't and is making all sorts of assumptions.

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, Distressedmamma said:

Lol... I've enjoyed the 14 pages of back and forth.. not necessarily stayed on topic but how interesting are the different point of views that are so varied by people's life experiences!

Me too! And I respect your spunkiness and directness and hope not to ask for forgiveness or permission LOL (loved that concept too).  

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, mylolita said:

The game has changed so much from even 20 years ago. No one knew online dating would be a thing - people used to put a short little ad in the paper yonks back. One of the main problems of modern dating I am finding is that, in the past, you only had a “local” pool to choose from.  It was very rare someone met someone else from out of their town or state or county (if you are British like me!) now, it’s international. With the whole online thing, you can be tempted to look at anyone, anywhere. Almost too much choice in a way. The culture has changed as well. My generation are in no special rush to settle down, we feel like we have “all the time in the world”. 

I'm 56.  To me it wasn't a sea change with meeting people through dating sites. I met men through personal ads in my 20s as did my sister (how she met her first husband, how I met a fiancee).  I didn't date online so to me it was just another way to meet a person for a blind date - through a website instead of a print ad or through a set up by friends.  I had many many friends in no rush - my rush was about wanting a family and I saw my sister who had 4 kids actually struggle to get pregnant in her 20s and I was worried.  I grew up in a major city with a huge dating pool and at 28 I moved 9 miles to the very center of that city to be even closer and on my own, independent.  

My friend's daughter is 26 and couldn't wait to marry her boyfriend and start a family -they are together over 10 years with 3 kids.  My friend's son in his early 30s married his long term fiancee last week.  My other friend's son in his early 30s got married about 3 years ago to his long term girlfriend.  My friend's daughter partied a lot in her teens then really wanted to marry and married in her mid 20s now has 2 going on 3 kids in her mid 30s.  I have a friend with 3 kids in their 20s/early 30s.  Two are married and the other is engaged for years now.  

The very best choice I made when I was single -I paid off my grad school loans and at age 31 started saving my $ -I had a high paying job with great raises and bonuses.  I knew I wanted to be a SAHM for longer than maternity leave and I didn't want to limit myself to meeting a man who could be-or wanted to be- the main breadwinner. 

Certainly financial stability,certainly ambitious and excellent work ethic -but he didn't need to make the big bucks.  For 8 of the 11 years I saved I was single -meaning I was in some long term relationships but not married.  No kids. 

By the time I had our son and was married my husband could provide no issue.  But I insisted for the 7 years I was home on contributing from my savings and worked with my financial people as to what kind of income I had from my nest egg.  I liked contributing financially to our expenses -not sure if it was half or a little less but it was significant. Now I work part time and contribute in that way.  I didn't need to find a "breadwinner" - but I did meet some men who were sort of gold diggers when they learned more about my career. And they lacked a strong work ethic/stability. I certainly didn't want to be the main breadwinner either more than temporarily. 

Many women get married/have a child before age 42 so they're not working 15-20 years before marriage as I did -I get it -but I like the idea of saving if the woman believes she wants kids and wants to be home (some women would prefer nanny/daycare -I respect that!! -and some women have to work in order to keep the family afloat -I respect that too!!).

[Kwothe28]

6 hours ago, mylolita said:

And men, would you even dare suggest to any modern woman that “I’ll take care  of you?” For fear of chauvinistic backlash? 

My country is more traditional. So I dont think anyone would be offended that a man would be a sole "breadwinner" if the circumstances allow it. Especialy women. As we are more traditional lots of them are "family oriented" so they dont mind having to spend few years at home before they get back to working. 

Economic circumstances as well as more modern views did change things a bit. So, both partners usually work. For example, my sister married rich. But still got back to work after maternity leave. Mostly because her Boss is one of those "ruthless privateers"(she works for private company) so she had to go to work even during maternity sometimes. Because she didnt want to lose her job and had her project exam soon(you do qualify for that only after spending some time working as an architecht).

Lots of couples do choose economic independence which is generally nice. Its not old times anymore and its better for a family that both parties work. But it does "set you back" as far as a family goes. Lots of couples either get kids "by accident" and then get married(there is a joke here about asking if the bride is pregnant on wedding day), or wait for a long time until everything comes into place. Which in my country can take a while. My friends got married this year after 6 years of dating and 4 living as a tennants together. They waited until they have a wedding(postponed it for 2 years because Rona) and to get their own place. And now they finally thinking about the kid. He is 39, she is 35. Still not too late but more and more couples get that much into 30s before they opt for kids.

[mylolita]

26 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

My country is more traditional. So I dont think anyone would be offended that a man would be a sole "breadwinner" if the circumstances allow it. Especialy women. As we are more traditional lots of them are "family oriented" so they dont mind having to spend few years at home before they get back to working. 

Economic circumstances as well as more modern views did change things a bit. So, both partners usually work. For example, my sister married rich. But still got back to work after maternity leave. Mostly because her Boss is one of those "ruthless privateers"(she works for private company) so she had to go to work even during maternity sometimes. Because she didnt want to lose her job and had her project exam soon(you do qualify for that only after spending some time working as an architecht).

Lots of couples do choose economic independence which is generally nice. Its not old times anymore and its better for a family that both parties work. But it does "set you back" as far as a family goes. Lots of couples either get kids "by accident" and then get married(there is a joke here about asking if the bride is pregnant on wedding day), or wait for a long time until everything comes into place. Which in my country can take a while. My friends got married this year after 6 years of dating and 4 living as a tennants together. They waited until they have a wedding(postponed it for 2 years because Rona) and to get their own place. And now they finally thinking about the kid. He is 39, she is 35. Still not too late but more and more couples get that much into 30s before they opt for kids.

This is very very true!

 

I sometimes wonder if the modern couple just have much higher standards on what they have come to expect before they have children? Most still want a decent sized home in a good area, or best area they can get; a holiday every year, a new or nearly new car. My mum and dad, when they got married, had to borrow a cooker; they had no money at all. We didn’t even have a tv until I got to about 6 years old. It wasn’t an isolated case - most of their friends were like this. Can you imagine my generation being okay with scrimping and lending and mending? The whole attitude has changed! My Mum said she has two pairs of trousers and three shirts on rotation. She always looked amazing to me but my Dad only started making decent money once he finished studying in his early 30s. My Mum was 26 when she had me and 28 when she had my sister, and was considered an older mother! This was early 90s - England 🥴

 

I might see if they will let me set up an off topic thread if anyone is willing to discuss! Would love to hear everyone’s views and experiences with the dating market, modern expectations, modern career and work balance and marriage and children and the like! 
 

x

[mylolita]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I'm 56.  To me it wasn't a sea change with meeting people through dating sites. I met men through personal ads in my 20s as did my sister (how she met her first husband, how I met a fiancee).  I didn't date online so to me it was just another way to meet a person for a blind date - through a website instead of a print ad or through a set up by friends.  I had many many friends in no rush - my rush was about wanting a family and I saw my sister who had 4 kids actually struggle to get pregnant in her 20s and I was worried.  I grew up in a major city with a huge dating pool and at 28 I moved 9 miles to the very center of that city to be even closer and on my own, independent.  

My friend's daughter is 26 and couldn't wait to marry her boyfriend and start a family -they are together over 10 years with 3 kids.  My friend's son in his early 30s married his long term fiancee last week.  My other friend's son in his early 30s got married about 3 years ago to his long term girlfriend.  My friend's daughter partied a lot in her teens then really wanted to marry and married in her mid 20s now has 2 going on 3 kids in her mid 30s.  I have a friend with 3 kids in their 20s/early 30s.  Two are married and the other is engaged for years now.  

The very best choice I made when I was single -I paid off my grad school loans and at age 31 started saving my $ -I had a high paying job with great raises and bonuses.  I knew I wanted to be a SAHM for longer than maternity leave and I didn't want to limit myself to meeting a man who could be-or wanted to be- the main breadwinner. 

Certainly financial stability,certainly ambitious and excellent work ethic -but he didn't need to make the big bucks.  For 8 of the 11 years I saved I was single -meaning I was in some long term relationships but not married.  No kids. 

By the time I had our son and was married my husband could provide no issue.  But I insisted for the 7 years I was home on contributing from my savings and worked with my financial people as to what kind of income I had from my nest egg.  I liked contributing financially to our expenses -not sure if it was half or a little less but it was significant. Now I work part time and contribute in that way.  I didn't need to find a "breadwinner" - but I did meet some men who were sort of gold diggers when they learned more about my career. And they lacked a strong work ethic/stability. I certainly didn't want to be the main breadwinner either more than temporarily. 

Many women get married/have a child before age 42 so they're not working 15-20 years before marriage as I did -I get it -but I like the idea of saving if the woman believes she wants kids and wants to be home (some women would prefer nanny/daycare -I respect that!! -and some women have to work in order to keep the family afloat -I respect that too!!).

This is very interesting Batya that even yourself as quite a forward independent woman didn’t like the idea of being the sole breadwinner for the rest of! 
 

I would love to expand on all of this - if I started up an off topic could we copy your reply into it?

 

x

[mylolita]

Sorry OP - if anyone would like to discuss/debate ideas on modern dating, society - anything! Please fire in! 
 

OP - I hope you find your other half!

 

x

[mylolita]

1 hour ago, mylolita said:

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Sorry OP - if anyone would like to discuss/debate ideas on modern dating, society - anything! Please fire in! 
 

OP - I hope you find your other half!

 

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x

Thread is in OFF TOPIC THE MODERN DILEMMA

 

x

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, mylolita said:

This is very interesting Batya that even yourself as quite a forward independent woman didn’t like the idea of being the sole breadwinner for the rest of! 
 

I would love to expand on all of this - if I started up an off topic could we copy your reply into it?

 

x

I was forward and independent from a career perspective.  From a personal and family perspective I wanted to be home full time with my child for at least the first couple of years.  So, I did not want to be the sole breadwinner nor was I looking for a man to be.  As I wrote as a temporary thing sure. Life happens!

I've never owned a private home -no desire at all -so happy we don't! We do own a car.  I've never owned a car on my own -no desire.  But yes because we married so late we had much more than when my parents married each other in their early 20s for sure!

[Wiseman2]

It's important to remember that physical attraction based hookup apps such as Tinder Attract more male users.

In fact it's 75% male/25% female, so as a guy looking for dates, these types of apps will just put you in a huge pile of unnoticed users.

If you want to try for more success, try a relationship-based paid app such as eHarmony where there are more female users than male users.  

[MysteriousTelephone]

On 11/9/2022 at 2:38 PM, Kwothe28 said:

I did read. I mean I wasnt here for a week so maybe missed a few pages but its more- less the same. My problem isnt with you and that you are unwilling to approach women in general, we know that you are not. My problem is that I am telling you that you need to do that constantly in order to get a girl. Not one girl once in a while but constantly every time you get a chance. Because "soul crushing" or not, you just need to move forward. And while some men can just wait and approach some girl once in a while and get the shot, you are the one that needs to work on it. Constantly approaching, trying to take a number, getting on dates etc. No matter how hard rejections are for anybody, because I doubt there is a human being on Earth that is just immune to it. But they just brush it off and move forward. So can you.

Again, if you are out socially 4-5 nights a week, to how many girls are you approaching in those days? To how many of them have you asked the number? Add them on social media maybe? Tried to call them out? For example, since this thread started, have you tried to approach any of girls while you are out? And with what results?

Because I have a feeling its maybe 1 or 2. And that you need to that far more fequently in order for somebody to stick around. 

I don't know where you got the idea that I only approach someone "once in a while", because that's not something I've alluded to.

I can't give you hard numbers on the amount of people I approach in a week or month. I will approach more people in a dance social or meet-up event than I will at the gym, for example, though I do still talk to people there. Suffice to say, I do my best to talk to everyone at a dance class, social, or meet-up group. Sure, some people will be males, or women who aren't single, but you don't know that unless you talk to them, right? Of the ones who are single and I feel there's a click, or even if I just think they're fun people, I will do my best to take things further.

I have to ask, since you're very interested in hard numbers, exactly how much can I do for it to be counted as 'enough'? Going out socially 4-5 nights a week? Not good enough. Ask out 4-5 people? Double it. Currently renting? Buy a house, you scrub. Like, you must admit this is more effort than 99% of the population has to go through to find someone who thinks they're borderline attractive.

On 11/9/2022 at 2:59 PM, Tinydance said:

I understand he can be completely honest here and say whatever he wants, as opposed to in real life. But everything he's been saying has been basically judging himself and saying that every other person has it better. "My friends are all hot and find someone, all other guys find someone, 14-year-olds find someone". First of all, that is just really not the case. Most people are not hot or rich so dating isn't a piece of cake for anyone. Your average person does have to actually try. And there is a lot of rejection. I'm speaking from my own personal experience.

I'm happy to sympathise with someone's situation but also why do I have to sympathise with OP more so than any other person who puts effort into dating and struggles? Which is actually a lot of people. He has even said many times that he can't think of anything actually wrong with him and neither could any of his friends. I'm sure he's not hideous so why should we feel sorry for him.

Like I've said, I can only speak from my experience. My friends are, verifiably, attractive people who've had no problems getting dates. Even the people I know who are more 'average' looking, have not had this issue either. I've not met, nor spoken to a person who made it into their 20s without having a relationship. This isn't up for debate.

On 11/9/2022 at 6:14 PM, mylolita said:

This has been real interesting for me. It is very rare that someone asking for advice only wants to hear from people who haven't succeeded in their field of question, and rejects any advice from people who have won in love or, at least, succeeded in some aspects where they need help or advice. Interesting!!!



 

I mean, someone who'd had the same problems and got through it, would be nice. So far as I can tell, nobody on this forum has had those issues to this extent, only mentions of a friend or brother in law with similar problems.

I don't want to hear from pretty people telling me it's easy, you just need to go out and have fun and it will happen, I get enough of that from my friends.

On 11/9/2022 at 6:25 PM, mylolita said:

I find making friends so easy - it's just like, one day, we were talking, next week, they are here having coffee at the house, and the week after, our kids are playing together, then they constantly text, and arrange meet ups etc. The thing I find difficult is thinking, is this person someone I deeply click with? Plenty of nice conversations and even deep conversations can be had but, when all is said and done, was it just a nice time? Do I really care for them? 
 

You'd be surprised, a number of people I know find it very difficult to make friends. Either through shyness, less socially aware, or just not really having a 'knack' for it. I've always found it easy, so I find it difficult to relate when they tell me they don't have many friends, which is literally the problem I'm facing when I tell people it's a difficult world when you're ugly.

On 11/10/2022 at 7:10 AM, mylolita said:

The game has changed so much from even 20 years ago. No one knew online dating would be a thing - people used to put a short little ad in the paper yonks back. One of the main problems of modern dating I am finding is that, in the past, you only had a “local” pool to choose from.  It was very rare someone met someone else from out of their town or state or county (if you are British like me!) now, it’s international. With the whole online thing, you can be tempted to look at anyone, anywhere. Almost too much choice in a way. The culture has changed as well. My generation are in no special rush to settle down, we feel like we have “all the time in the world”. 
 

Women are going off at 25 and just starting their careers. They are too busy for the guys. More and more women are happy to be single and not have children as well. I read a statistic that for the first time in history, women who are 30 and over and don’t have children is higher than those who do (50.1%) which means, more women don’t have children than do! And there was a pretty eye opening statistic that said the largest number of western births are to mothers in the 40-45 age range category over the 20-25! More 40 plus year old women are having babies than women 25 and under!

Sure, things have changed as a society, younger people have been given something of an 'extended adolescence': whereas historically you'd be a married homeowner with at least one child and a full-time job at 18, now it's considered normal to stay in education longer, stay a home longer, and put off having children until they've accomplished things they want to do first. Part of it is clearly economical: the cost of raising a child to 18 years is around £200,000, wages have not kept up with inflation meaning home-ownership is very difficult in your 20s without help from parents. We're living in a different world to the ones our parents grew up in.

None of that seems to have anything to do with my particular issue, but it's interesting nonetheless.

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's important to remember that physical attraction based hookup apps such as Tinder Attract more male users.

In fact it's 75% male/25% female, so as a guy looking for dates, these types of apps will just put you in a huge pile of unnoticed users.

If you want to try for more success, try a relationship-based paid app such as eHarmony where there are more female users than male users.  

I feel I should clarify: I've not been solely relying on one platform for my self-marketing. I've used all the big hitters: Okcupid, Match, Bumble, Plentyoffish, Hinge, Once, you name it.

[mylolita]

Hey Mysterious!

Thank you for replying. I am getting a picture here you really do think you are unattractive and this is the sole and only cause you don't have a girlfriend by now?

You said this:

"None of that seems to have anything to do with my particular issue, but it's interesting nonetheless."

I would say, it does! And is one of the reasons why you might be in your 30s and saying this instead of being in your 20s. The average age for settling and marrying and generally entertaining serious relationships is going up all the time. Extended adolescence is a perfect way to describe this! If women, and men, are all getting out of university much later, with big debt, they are not settling down, potentially not looking for anything serious yet. They get established in their career, put lots of energy and time into it - you hear it a lot - I have no time for a relationship. People, both genders, seem to be getting to about 30 and then saying oh, I'm ready now! (For something serious!) Women especially don't seem to be entertaining marriage and serious relationships until older. 

I do think, as a generation, we expect much more. For example, my Grandma and Grandad, when they married, couldn't afford a house either, so like most couples went and lived with the ladies parents for a year or two. My Grandad actually was a master carpenter! And he built, from scratch, a traditional wooden caravan for them to live in. My oldest aunty was born in that caravan! It was only 3 years later, they afforded to move out and into a council house it was. They scrimped their whole life.

Sometimes I think we might look back on the 70s and 80s and think everyone had money and owned a home young. Maybe if you ask around family members, you might be surprised! I was! My in laws couldn't have afforded their council house either if it wasn't for family scraping together for a deposit. I mentioned before, my Mum and Dad just managed to scrimp to get a tiny starter home in the early 80s, and it was literally bare! No tv, a borrowed second hand cooker, a bed and a sofa that a friend had given them second hand! Who does this now? We almost don't have the stomach for it do we!

My parents didn't expect a huge expensive wedding, spa days, beauty treatments, gym memberships, benefits, a new car, holidays, £4 coffees, or eating out on the regular, or takeaways weekly or monthly? Did they each own a £800 phone? Or huge expensive TVs? None of their friends did. My Dad ended up through sheer hard work and study going into a medical profession and their financial hardships turned upwards but, he was well into his 30s, and me and my sister had already been born. Who will take on that pressure now? I will always admire my Dad for working 6 days a week, then studying at night school, all while supporting my Mum who stayed at home and raised us two young girls. She never worked until she wanted to. He treat us all like princesses and we had nothing! What man does this now? What women will do this now? The culture has massively changed. We cannot sacrifice anymore, I say this for myself included. I think this attitude and culture is definitely contributing to dating woes, relationship woes - and pushing everyone further in age before they are willing to settle down, because both sexes seem to expect many, many things, that previous generations would simply never have expected, and not many people can still afford this big expected list until they are at least in their 30s or beyond!

x

 

[Wiseman2]

40 minutes ago, MysteriousTelephone said:

I feel I should clarify: I've not been solely relying on one platform for my self-marketing. I've used all the big hitters: Okcupid, Match, Bumble, Plentyoffish, Hinge, Once, you name it.

Make sure your pics are recent and varied. And your profile suits the app and is varied. If women see you on every imaginable (and unpaid) platform it's overexposure and looks like "marketing", which is off-putting as any hard-sell is. Don't "market" yourself. Be yourself. If you boast too much about what a catch you are, it's a turn off.

[Batya33]

I never had extended adolescence. I know married people who act like teenagers and single people who act like responsible adults. Many single people care for aging parents or help a lot with nieces and nephews etc. or siblings with disabilities. And work really hard and own homes etc. 

I was in an elaborate wedding in 1987 - I was maid of honor and my friend then bought a really nice starter house in Florida with her husband - they moved. He was an accountant and she was a teacher and they were in their early 20s and she loved nice stuff. And grew up very average middle class and he was one of many children very little money. 
I went to many elaborate weddings in the 80s and 90s. My parents and my husband’s parents married in the 50s.  I had a small wedding-11 people including us and a lovely lunch and wedding cake after with champagne that was  gifted to us. I loved my wedding. Magical. Took me 6.5 weeks to plan.
 Never wanted a big party. Never wanted or had a shower.  Or a baby shower or a gender reveal party or engagement party. I wanted to marry my husband. I wore a beautiful borrowed veil and new shoes I loved - had so much fun picking them out waddling around the store in my third trimester.  
My in laws decorated their modest home with pretty flowers - we got married in their living room - and it was snowing a little. it was magical but also so natural. I respect those who want a big party to celebrate the wedding. I felt so much joy and celebration. And so utterly natural. Including my clothes and the wedding officiant fee and all else it cost $1,500.  

[mylolita]

13 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I never had extended adolescence. I know married people who act like teenagers and single people who act like responsible adults. Many single people care for aging parents or help a lot with nieces and nephews etc. or siblings with disabilities. And work really hard and own homes etc. 

I was in an elaborate wedding in 1987 - I was maid of honor and my friend then bought a really nice starter house in Florida with her husband - they moved. He was an accountant and she was a teacher and they were in their early 20s and she loved nice stuff. And grew up very average middle class and he was one of many children very little money. 
I went to many elaborate weddings in the 80s and 90s. My parents and my husband’s parents married in the 50s.  I had a small wedding-11 people including us and a lovely lunch and wedding cake after with champagne that was  gifted to us. I loved my wedding. Magical. Took me 6.5 weeks to plan.
 Never wanted a big party. Never wanted or had a shower.  Or a baby shower or a gender reveal party or engagement party. I wanted to marry my husband. I wore a beautiful borrowed veil and new shoes I loved - had so much fun picking them out waddling around the store in my third trimester.  
My in laws decorated their modest home with pretty flowers - we got married in their living room - and it was snowing a little. it was magical but also so natural. I respect those who want a big party to celebrate the wedding. I felt so much joy and celebration. And so utterly natural. Including my clothes and the wedding officiant fee and all else it cost $1,500.  

I too also had a tiny private wedding in a friends garden! 
 

But, we have to remember, the majority of people are working class (if in the uk) or not making loads of money. If you live in circles where people are middle class or up, you will be attending a load of expensive weddings, but the majority of people don’t live like this, but my point is, they are trying to and getting in lots of debt to boot, further putting back big life decisions like starting a family, or buying a house.

 

People often cite financial reasons for not starting a family sooner. For so many people, I think this is self inflicted and an issue with todays culture of spend spend spend and gotta have it! 
 

I think it’s pushing everything back, or at least, contributing too it - so you have people unable to afford their first house or get married or the big one, afford children, because people expect everything to be financially sorted before they have their 2.1 babies, but we know that for so many, this isn’t possible, but the modern guy and girl struggle to accept… any struggle! 
 

x

[MysteriousTelephone]

14 hours ago, mylolita said:

Hey Mysterious!

Thank you for replying. I am getting a picture here you really do think you are unattractive and this is the sole and only cause you don't have a girlfriend by now?

You said this:

"None of that seems to have anything to do with my particular issue, but it's interesting nonetheless."

I would say, it does! And is one of the reasons why you might be in your 30s and saying this instead of being in your 20s. The average age for settling and marrying and generally entertaining serious relationships is going up all the time. Extended adolescence is a perfect way to describe this! If women, and men, are all getting out of university much later, with big debt, they are not settling down, potentially not looking for anything serious yet. They get established in their career, put lots of energy and time into it - you hear it a lot - I have no time for a relationship. People, both genders, seem to be getting to about 30 and then saying oh, I'm ready now! (For something serious!) Women especially don't seem to be entertaining marriage and serious relationships until older. 
 

Hey MyLolita!

Once again, it's not me thinking that I am unattractive, that just seems to be the most realistic answer at this point. If everything else is more-or-less taken care of, what other conclusion can you draw?

Regarding your societal thoughts: I do agree with most of what you say, I really do. However, I disagree with this idea that women want nothing to do with men because they're waiting until their 30s to have kids. It's.... well it's just not true. Women date in their teens, they date in their 20s, their 30s, whatever. While most of the women I know have certainly started to have children later in life, they absolutely did not spend their 20s having "no time" for men. It's bizarre to me to watch men and women get together, and un-get together throughout their 20s, and have the reason why nobody wants me to be "Well, women just don't have time for boys in their 20s". It's not that I'm not buying it, it's that it's categorically untrue.

14 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Make sure your pics are recent and varied. And your profile suits the app and is varied. If women see you on every imaginable (and unpaid) platform it's overexposure and looks like "marketing", which is off-putting as any hard-sell is. Don't "market" yourself. Be yourself. If you boast too much about what a catch you are, it's a turn off.

Oh absolutely, I've done my best to curate a variety of images that display different things: playing sport, out with friends, in nature, sometimes a photo from a wedding. Absolutely not a boastful person on such platforms.

[mylolita]

2 minutes ago, MysteriousTelephone said:

Hey MyLolita!

Once again, it's not me thinking that I am unattractive, that just seems to be the most realistic answer at this point. If everything else is more-or-less taken care of, what other conclusion can you draw?

Regarding your societal thoughts: I do agree with most of what you say, I really do. However, I disagree with this idea that women want nothing to do with men because they're waiting until their 30s to have kids. It's.... well it's just not true. Women date in their teens, they date in their 20s, their 30s, whatever. While most of the women I know have certainly started to have children later in life, they absolutely did not spend their 20s having "no time" for men. It's bizarre to me to watch men and women get together, and un-get together throughout their 20s, and have the reason why nobody wants me to be "Well, women just don't have time for boys in their 20s". It's not that I'm not buying it, it's that it's categorically untrue.

Oh absolutely, I've done my best to curate a variety of images that display different things: playing sport, out with friends, in nature, sometimes a photo from a wedding. Absolutely not a boastful person on such platforms.

Yes but they are exactly that! In and out of non-serious relationships, enjoying hook up culture, nothing too serious. If we all were thinking in our early 20s, I want to seriously find my husband/wife, by time the majority of us got to 30, with everyone working towards the same goals (marriage or, very serious life partner) the majority would have it. Instead, I think we have a serious conflict of interests going on and no one knows which what way or what goals to have or chase and we want it all but don’t take any serious steps to get it!

 

I am your generation Mysterious at 32. I really do think your problem has layers, and the attitude of my generation is one of them.

 

I’m not fobbing you off here. I had to be with a guy nearly 10 years older than me because all the guys the same age as me were running around living with their mums playing the field and talking out their second degree with no thought for settling down in all seriousness. It’s lucky I have a thing for older men 🥲🥴🥴🥴

 

 

x

[mylolita]

I just want to add, I think it is big picture relevant to this whole modern conundrum - that the nuclear family - husband, wife, couple of kids, woman in the home, man going out to work - is so uncool, so un promoted, so unwanted by anyone in my generation, that the only people left doing it are extremely religious people who have their church communities and live in the Deep South it seems!
 

Try being a woman in todays society and saying all you want to do is raise a bunch of kids and keep a home! See how that concept goes down with other modern men, or other women! Prepare to get beat down and told you need more! Subtly hinted that you are oppressed or stupid! 
 

No men in my generation seemed to want serious marriage or to support a wife and plenty of kids, this is why me and my husbands minds met alike, and he was older and more likely to be traditional.

 

My same age friends are either single and still party, in long term relationships but it is hit and miss, don’t own their own home, no children, hardly even thinking of children. My sister just turned 31. No children, parties at the weekend, not married, only just started her career a year or two back. Is this quite typical? I think, as I look around - yes! 

 

x

[MysteriousTelephone]

1 hour ago, mylolita said:

Yes but they are exactly that! In and out of non-serious relationships, enjoying hook up culture, nothing too serious. If we all were thinking in our early 20s, I want to seriously find my husband/wife, by time the majority of us got to 30, with everyone working towards the same goals (marriage or, very serious life partner) the majority would have it. Instead, I think we have a serious conflict of interests going on and no one knows which what way or what goals to have or chase and we want it all but don’t take any serious steps to get it!

 

I am your generation Mysterious at 32. I really do think your problem has layers, and the attitude of my generation is one of them.

 

I’m not fobbing you off here. I had to be with a guy nearly 10 years older than me because all the guys the same age as me were running around living with their mums playing the field and talking out their second degree with no thought for settling down in all seriousness. It’s lucky I have a thing for older men 🥲🥴🥴🥴

Right, but you do understand that people in their 20s have completely normal relationships, right? I was looking to get me one of those. Or on a base level, have the validation of having someone being attracted to me. You know, the little things.

You're saying that women in their 20s aren't ready to settle down, but also that women in their 20s don't like guys who also aren't settling down, and I just don't see how the two are compatible. If you're in the headspace of just going out and having fun, it would not matter if the guys you're interested in are of the same mindset. Similarly, if you're ready to settle down and so are they, that's great! It's only when there's an imbalance there's a problem.

Regardless, when a woman rejects me just from the sight of me, she has no indication as to my thoughts on settling down, wether I own a home or not, drive, have or even want kids. It's a rejection at a base level.

[kamurj]

Topic has run its course, closed.