Sent a rejection message to girl who was still in a relationship. She hasn't responded. Am I the bad guy?

[JonClark]

Hi, 

So I went on three dates with this girl, then traveled back home and since it was long distance we tested everyday and had some phone calls as well. It was going well, started having feelings for her. She acted very interested but then a week ago she was distant and pulled back. Yesterday we spoke on the phone and she mentioned she hung out with her boyfriend (I thought since she was seeing me and in contact with me that they broke up but apparently not). 
 

So after the phone call ended I figured I don’t want to be an option in this situationship we had, so today I texted her “Hi, I don’t think this thing we’ve got going has any sense. You still have a boyfriend and I’m interested in you more than just a friend, so it’s best if I walk away. If you ever find yourself single then let me know and if I’m still interested we can go from there. Right now I need to end this. Take care”

she read it and didn’t respond. Now I feel like I’ve done something wrong, like I should’ve called her instead 😞

Can someone analyze this for me and tell me if I did the right thing or why she hasn’t responded? She’s been online a few times since then. 
 

Help me please. 

[Kwothe28]

Its like a prophecy coming through

On 10/5/2022 at 3:00 AM, Kwothe28 said:

You messaging her every day is even worst for you. As you are building a fantasy about somebody who will discard you as soon as the next smuck shows up at her door. Worst of all, looks like she already did and she is just looking for attention.

Sorry to hear that. You did good by not keeping yourself out there. You need and deserve better then some girl where you would be relegated to "attention giver" while she has a boyfriend there. I wouldnt expect an answer from her, she "ghosted" you. Probably because she was "offended" that you just wouldnt keep her out there knowing she has a boyfriend. No big deal, as Ive said, you handled it perfectly. That is what you were suppose to do in a situation like this.

[Cherylyn]

You didn't do anything wrong.  Texting was good.  No sense building a relationship with someone who already has a boyfriend.

Should she become available,  I'd seriously reconsider.  She lacks integrity which is alarming.  She is sneaky and could very well deceive and betray you one day.  Beware.

[JonClark]

7 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

You didn't do anything wrong.  Texting was good.  No sense building a relationship with someone who already has a boyfriend.

Should she become available,  I'd seriously reconsider.  She lacks integrity which is alarming.  She is sneaky and could very well deceive and betray you one day.  Beware.

And is all of this fair towards her boyfriend? The way she acted towards me and the way she went on three dates with me is just pathetic behavior towards me and her boyfriend. 

[JonClark]

17 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Its like a prophecy coming through

Sorry to hear that. You did good by not keeping yourself out there. You need and deserve better then some girl where you would be relegated to "attention giver" while she has a boyfriend there. I wouldnt expect an answer from her, she "ghosted" you. Probably because she was "offended" that you just wouldnt keep her out there knowing she has a boyfriend. No big deal, as Ive said, you handled it perfectly. That is what you were suppose to do in a situation like this.

The way she made me feel with all the attention she was giving me and really acted like we were an item and for what? Why did she do this? 

[Cherylyn]

2 minutes ago, JonClark said:

And is all of this fair towards her boyfriend? The way she acted towards me and the way she went on three dates with me is just pathetic behavior towards me and her boyfriend. 

It's unfair to both of you, her boyfriend and you.  She is sneaky and exhibits deceitful behavior.  Beware.  It is a form of betrayal.  She's playing both sides of the fence.  To her, it's a game.  Don't play.  If I were you, I'd judge her character with scrutiny because you don't want to have a relationship with a woman whose character is in question.  She's shady and distrustful.

[JonClark]

4 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

It's unfair to both of you, her boyfriend and you.  She is sneaky and exhibits deceitful behavior.  Beware.  It is a form of betrayal.  She's playing both sides of the fence.  To her, it's a game.  Don't play.  If I were you, I'd judge her character with scrutiny because you don't want to have a relationship with a woman whose character is in question.  She's shady and distrustful.

I also find it extremely heartbreaking that she would go to such lengths as to call me when she was walking home alone after work in the middle of the night because she felt secure with me but had a boyfriend she could've called instead. Or when she texted me about her accomplishments and/or advice surrounding a certain topic instead of her boyfriend making me feel like she was head over heels in love with me.

What kind of a woman does all of this? Did she get a pleasure out of manipulating me or was she having trouble with her boyfriend and I was just the scapegoat? 

[Kwothe28]

5 minutes ago, JonClark said:

The way she made me feel with all the attention she was giving me and really acted like we were an item and for what? Why did she do this? 

Bad character. She wanted you there and acted accordingly but didnt want to commit and dates others. If you were not long distance you would discover her bad character before. But since you were, consider yourself lucky discovering that before you lost more time there. It would be easier to move on from all this.

[Cherylyn]

Just now, JonClark said:

I also find it extremely heartbreaking that she would go to such lengths as to call me when she was walking home alone after work in the middle of the night because she felt secure with me but had a boyfriend she could've called instead. Or when she texted me about her accomplishments and/or advice surrounding a certain topic instead of her boyfriend making me feel like she was head over heels in love with me.

What kind of a woman does all of this? Did she get a pleasure out of manipulating me or was she having trouble with her boyfriend and I was just the scapegoat? 

She is playing you for a fool.  What kind of woman does this?  A woman who knows how to play games, that's who. 

It's better to know now than later.  You would be wasting your time and energy on a woman who will give you a lot of unnecessary angst, depression, misery, stress and pain.  Don't wait until she's available.  Make yourself unavailable.  Be with a woman whom you can intuitively trust with all your heart.  Any other woman is a gamble.  You'll lose if you risk being with a questionable woman.

Trust is not a gift.  Trust is earned and this woman has not earned your trust.  Move on.  She's not worth it.  She's trouble and it won't work.

[JonClark]

1 minute ago, Cherylyn said:

She is playing you for a fool.  What kind of woman does this?  A woman who knows how to play games, that's who. 

It's better to know now than later.  You would be wasting your time and energy on a woman who will give you a lot of unnecessary angst, depression, misery, stress and pain.  Don't wait until she's available.  Make yourself unavailable.  Be with a woman whom you can intuitively trust with all your heart.  Any other woman is a gamble.  You'll lose if you risk being with a questionable woman.

Trust is not a gift.  Trust is earned and this woman has not earned your trust.  Move on.  She's not worth it.  She's trouble and it won't work.

But there are both men and women that start to hangout as friends with someone because their current relationship is on the rocks and as soon as they have a green light from that new 'friend' they dump their current bf and replace him. There are lots of girls jumping from one relationship to another and maybe I just didn't pass her tests?

[JonClark]

4 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

She is playing you for a fool.  What kind of woman does this?  A woman who knows how to play games, that's who. 

It's better to know now than later.  You would be wasting your time and energy on a woman who will give you a lot of unnecessary angst, depression, misery, stress and pain.  Don't wait until she's available.  Make yourself unavailable.  Be with a woman whom you can intuitively trust with all your heart.  Any other woman is a gamble.  You'll lose if you risk being with a questionable woman.

Trust is not a gift.  Trust is earned and this woman has not earned your trust.  Move on.  She's not worth it.  She's trouble and it won't work.

The biggest problem with all of this is that I'm friends and frequently visit the bar she works at and now I don't know how to act when I go back and visit that bar?

[Cherylyn]

1 minute ago, JonClark said:

But there are both men and women that start to hangout as friends with someone because their current relationship is on the rocks and as soon as they have a green light from that new 'friend' they dump their current bf and replace him. There are lots of girls jumping from one relationship to another and maybe I just didn't pass her tests?

Be glad you dodged a bullet by not passing her tests.   She is high risk.

[boltnrun]

Just now, JonClark said:

The biggest problem with all of this is that I'm friends and frequently visit the bar she works at and now I don't know how to act when I go back and visit that bar?

I thought you said you were long distance.

2 hours ago, JonClark said:

I went on three dates with this girl, then traveled back home and since it was long distance

How would you be able to frequent the bar where she works if you're long distance?

[Cherylyn]

4 minutes ago, JonClark said:

The biggest problem with all of this is that I'm friends and frequently visit the bar she works at and now I don't know how to act when I go back and visit that bar?

Act natural.  There is nothing wrong with saying 'hello.'  You can be well mannered, respectful yet maintain a safe, cool, frosty distance.  Enforce healthy boundaries.  Treat her politely as you would a colleague.  Know your limits and she will get the message.  Control yourself and your actions.  Be steadfast and unwavering.  This is how you respect yourself.  Be kind to yourself by not entangling yourself with the wrong people or people who won't be good for you long term.  Tread lightly.  Exercise discretion.  Remain cautious and conservative.  Protect yourself and play it safe.

[JonClark]

3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I thought you said you were long distance.

How would you be able to frequent the bar where she works if you're long distance?

When I go back I'm usually there for some weeks and in those weeks I frequently visit that bar. 

[boltnrun]

45 minutes ago, JonClark said:

When I go back I'm usually there for some weeks and in those weeks I frequently visit that bar. 

Then act the way you normally did before she tried to snag you into her cheating games.

And hope you don't run into her boyfriend.

[lostandhurt]

1 hour ago, JonClark said:

The biggest problem with all of this is that I'm friends and frequently visit the bar she works at and now I don't know how to act when I go back and visit that bar?

You act like the stand up guy you are that did exactly the right thing.  She is the one that should hide her face not you.

If you run into her just be pleasant but distant.  Say hi but don't engage and if she does engage in small talk like nothing happened ask her how her bf is doing.

 Don't adjust your life because she pulled this stuff.  Just be glad you weren't her next bf that would be suffering the same fate.

Lost

[catfeeder]

4 hours ago, JonClark said:

(I thought since she was seeing me and in contact with me that they broke up but apparently not). 

This is the kind of stuff to clarify when you meet someone. Ask straight up whether she's married or has a BF. If the answer is 'complicated,' run. If the answer is no, also ask how long it's been since her last breakup.

If someone has broken up recently, you might be stepping into a hot mess. It either positions you as rebound guy, or it puts you in the middle of unfinished business.

As for whether sending a text was reasonable, I'd say sure. She wasn't worth more than that after what she did.

Head high.

[SooSad33]

3 hours ago, JonClark said:

But there are both men and women that start to hangout as friends with someone because their current relationship is on the rocks and as soon as they have a green light from that new 'friend' they dump their current bf and replace him. There are lots of girls jumping from one relationship to another and maybe I just didn't pass her tests?

And do you like these kinds of people?  One's who wait on the sidelines to pounce?  That's ridiculous! IMO, people like this have no morals and don't seem to be actually wanting anything meaningful... ya think?

When I dated a guy, if I was truly into him I would TRY to make it work.  If I wasn't that into him, he'd be informed.  But, I don't go boy-hopping. ( and is even worse when you come across someone who's been in a long term relation- that's awful to be in the middle of their mess)  😕 

And yeah, it is common knowledge that a guy is willing to be a 'friend', until he can be more 😉 .. Yeah I know that stuff 😉 . It can happen, of course, where men & women can be 'just friends', since one or both don't see that person that way.

And what the heck is 'pass her test'?  Seriously, is this a game to everyone?  My gawd!

The worst thing to do is be out there hurting other's because you can't figure your own **** out.  I will not beg or compete for a man's attention!  I told someone that once, because he was caught between two of us.. I realized it and I solved that problem for him!

Never mess with someone else's emotions that way.  It's just cruel & selfish.

 

 

[DarkCh0c0]

You've done a good job asserting your boundary.

You know your worth and would only give your energy to women who want to be fully committed to you.

Keep it up!

[MissCanuck]

It sounds like you were her rebound guy while she was on the rocks with her boyfriend, and now that they're back on, she's discarded you. 

Thus, there was nothing for you to mess up. She was playing you from the beginning. Stay away from women who jump from relationship to relationship. They're not the ones you're going to get something solid from. 

[Batya33]

Women and men who have integrity do not date other people if they are in exclusive relationships where they promised not to date other people. 

People who have integrity and date someone, then meet up with an ex and go on a date with the ex don't need to mention that if they are not exclusive but do need to if they then plan to be exclusive with their ex again. 

I was in a situation like that when I got back together with the guy who would be my future husband, after 7 years apart.  I was not dating anyone exclusively, I had been on a few dates with a new person I'd met, and I ended things with new guy as soon as I knew I'd be getting back together with my ex.  Before I knew that my interactions with ex were purely platonic.  The new person and I were not exclusive - he had an active dating profile and I assume he was meeting other women while dating me just as I was having first meets.  

It sounds like your person had not broken up in the first place with her boyfriend so she was cheating on him with you.  I know of many women who date people casually and if someone they dated in the past also wants to go on a date they will -casually - just like any other person.

It's different to me if the two people are not actually broken up and are still having sex and/or seeking to reconcile. And the new person is not aware of this.

But if a person is honest from the beginning "I still occasionally date someone I used to date years ago/I still have sex with one of my exes when he is in town" and the other person is good with it -maybe the other person has a similar arrangement - I mean if it's all out in the open people have all sorts of arrangements and adults can decide whether it's worth the risk of getting emotionally attached.  I mean I would never have done it but transparency and consent is all that's needed.  This woman was deceitful so I'd run.

[smackie9]

What....you were expecting her to leap and say "Oh I will breakup with my BF to be with you!" No response means she understands and accepts your decision. Perfect it's done. You get to keep your dignity. 

[Jaunty]

15 hours ago, JonClark said:

The biggest problem with all of this is that I'm friends and frequently visit the bar she works at and now I don't know how to act when I go back and visit that bar?

You did the right thing for yourself and a "rejection" does not warrant a response, so you're free & clear.

You only went out with her 3 times.  It shouldn't be a big deal to go to the bar.  Especially since you said that it was "long distance."  The bar where she works is not in your area anyway so why worry about that?

[moodindigo91]

16 hours ago, JonClark said:

The way she made me feel with all the attention she was giving me and really acted like we were an item and for what? Why did she do this? 

2 hours ago, smackie9 said:

No response means she understands and accepts your decision. Perfect it's done.

Who cares why she did it? It's over now. Why continue to sit and analyze the situation when you've already rejected the relationship or w/e it was. The most probable answer is that she was bored and wanted attention, and you gave it to her. When you said you were not going to do that anymore, she stopped replying to you. That's everything you need to know.