Should I walk away or hold on?

[sophiarose]

I (32f) was seeing a guy (32m) for 5 months. A month ago he broke it off in a panic. We had got to the point where we were spending a lot of time together. We were usually together for the full weekend, and spent most nights together during the week too. 

We'd both been in serious long term relationships before that had ended amicably, so we both had a good idea of what didn't work for us. When we met it was like something I'd never experienced before, I'd never felt so instantly comfortable with someone, it was so easy. There was an immediate friendship as well as incredible chemistry. We both got involved in each other's hobbies and spent the summer camping and hiking together as much as we could. 

We were both in therapy and quickly opened up with each other about our struggles and past traumas, the support we had for each other was absolutely wonderful. Communication was very open and calm. It was basically everything I'd ever wanted, however, his past experiences meant that his self esteem was pretty low. We worked on it together and I tried to help him to see himself in a better light. 

Midway through our time together he revealed that he had been in a complicated situation with someone else before we met and that he had unresolved feelings around it. It was difficult because he had to deal with this person a lot professionally and didn't feel like he could get the distance he needed to fully get over it. I was calm and supportive when he told me and we agreed to work through it together.

When he broke off our relationship, the main reason was that he wasn't able to resolve these feelings and felt that was unfair to me. The other woman had made it clear to him in the past that nothing further was going to happen with them so it wasn't a case that anything was going on with them, he just couldn't get over it.

We had a very emotional goodbye, I didn't want it to end but I wasn't going to beg for him to stay. We slept together once after the break, but I then said I needed to go no contact. I didn't initiate any contact with him for three weeks (three impossibly painful weeks), but he would message me every few days or so and I would politely end the conversation. 

We started talking a bit more this last week and he came over at the weekend. Nothing sexual happened but we cuddled and talked about our lives and he was visibly struggling when it was time for him to leave. He said he didn't want to go and we just stood by the door for a while, leaning our foreheads against each other. He has since said that the last month has been incredibly confusing and he has no clarity around the situation. He initiates contact at least once a day. 

My head is telling me to walk away, but my heart is telling me to hold on a little longer and just give him time. I love him. I love literally everything about him. I want him by my side when I'm happy or sad, when something exciting happens he's the first person I want to call. I want to hear about his day after work. Every morning that I wake up without him feels so heavy. 

To clarify - I have good self esteem. I don't need him to make me feel worthy, I'm independent and have a busy life, so this isn't a case of me missing him for what he could do for me, or needing him to fill a hole in my life. I just love who he is as a person, I feel more of a connection with him than I have ever felt.

Has anyone else ever been in a situation like this? What did you do? 

[Coily]

Welcome to ENA.

I think unfortunately you need to start walking away from this guy. Yes it’s an amazing connection from the sound of it, but sadly he’s not capable of giving you the love you deserve. Since he is stuck in the past, you need to look to your future.

Best of luck, I hope you find that guy who can give without hesitation.

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, sophiarose said:

I (32f) was seeing a guy (32m) for 5 months. A month ago he broke it off in a panic. We had got to the point where we were spending a lot of time together. We were usually together for the full weekend, and spent most nights together during the week too. When he broke off our relationship, the main reason was that he wasn't able to resolve these feelings and felt that was unfair to me.

Sorry this happened. It sounds like they are on/off and communicate regularly at work. Unfortunately if this were just a rebound or past thing, it would have shown up before 5 mos. together. Either way he is to damaged/flaky to date at this time.

[moodindigo91]

Ugh I'm sorry about this. It sounds like he really is trying to do right by you though by removing himself from the relationship knowing that he isn't capable at this time of providing you with the type of commitment you deserve. In my opinion, it doesn't have to be so black and white as, should I walk away or hold on. You can do both. You say you're independent and have a busy life, great! Just go on living it. Go no contact for now. But I think it's okay to leave a small space in your heart open for the possibility later down the road. But you should also not let this hope prevent you from going out and meeting new people and possibly fostering other connections that could develop into the type of relationship you want a deserve. IDK if that makes any sense, but I think that is the nature of life. Lots of people on this forum act like life is very black and white, this decision or that decision. Life is much more complicated, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. In any event, he is not ready to offer you what you want from him. So, you need to "walk away" for now. 

[Kwothe28]

Unfortunately, he is stuck on somebody else who doesnt want him. Its a perpetual cycle of people sometimes. You are stuck on waiting him, he is stuck on that other girl, that girl probably on somebody else, some other guy is maybe stuck on you etc. You cant break his cycle. But you sure can break yours. 

So, do just that. You need to find somebody who you like and actually wants to be with you and make the life with you. That guy maybe likes you enough to sleep with you but not enough to be with you. He wants some other girl that doesnt want him. You cant do anything about that. But you can cut him off and move on. Because its detrimental to you that he tries to pursue somebody else while he comes to you for comfort. You are doing yourself a diservice in what you do. That needs to stop and you need to cut that immediately. 

So yes, walk away. Block if you have to. Because this isnt something healthy for you and your mental health.

[DarkCh0c0]

2 hours ago, sophiarose said:

however, his past experiences meant that his self esteem was pretty low. We worked on it together and I tried to help him to see himself in a better light. 

You're not his therapist nor mom. It's NOT your job to fix him.

You take him at face value TODAY as if this is the best version he is and will be.

2 hours ago, sophiarose said:

Midway through our time together he revealed that he had been in a complicated situation with someone else before we met and that he had unresolved feelings around it.

So his heart and mind are not ready to let someone new fully in. He still partially wants to be with someone else. He's not able nor wanting to be fully devoted to you.

Definitely walk away and stop wasting your time with him. Block and delete if you need to. Stop sending him the message that you are desperately available and a text away. Give value to your time and only put it in men who share what you want. There are men out there who are available and looking for a relationship too. You can find a connection with plenty of other men too.

I'm sorry. Breakups can be tough. Take care of you 💚

[smackie9]

Walk away and take a breather. Be single for awhile, and let him figure out his stuff. I say this to many, sharing your grief/struggles so early in a relationship is what can become false intimacy. It's emotional overload and that could have been some of the cause of his reluctance to continue. Your new love of your life is not your therapist, and I can't stress that enough. When starting a relationship, keep it simple, joyful, and do your best to talk about positive things, happy highlights. That will move things in the right direction and give you a solid healthy connection. You follow your gut, take care of yourself, and happiness will find it's way back to you 🙂 

[Andrina]

Since you care for him and I don't, I'm seeing things with more objectivity. You asked for no contact for your own good. He cares more about an ego boost, and the possibility of a FWB than he cares for you. If he had an ounce of care for you, he'd know it's hurtful to keep you dangling on a line that he'll never reel in. He would've respected your wishes.

He's just not that into you, otherwise he would have never released you to be single, knowing that would likely mean forever. The right guy will never break up with you--not even once. And if you did get back together, expect he'd bail as soon as the newness wore off again. On-again, off-again relationships mean the relationship isn't meant to be. I know I've never taken anyone back whether the guy did the breaking up or I did. 

Nobody, including this nowhere man, is worth putting yourself on ice for. Block and delete. You cannot have closure until this happens, nor will you be able to have a free heart to bond with someone else when you're ready to date. Don't be like him. I can almost guarantee he stayed in touch with that ex outside of work, which didn't allow him closure. Or it was just a lame excuse because he didn't want to be truthful about the real reason.

And for the future, even if you're really into a guy and even if he agrees to all that together time, don't overdo it like you did with him. Give yourselves some time to miss each other, and stay involved in your own hobbies/interests and time spent with girlfriends. Treat yourself like the treasure you are so that you're available when a man who deserves you asks you on a date. Take care and let us know how it goes.

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you. I can appreciate the seduction of your feelings toward him, but his focus is elsewhere, and it's always on us to look out for our own best interests.

It makes no sense to make yourself available as a comfort to him. Not because meaner is better, but because respect is a foundational condition for love, and you cannot win that respect by positioning yourself as a fallback girl.

So I'd stop making this about him and where he stands, and instead I'd view this through a lens of what you deserve. And that's not as anyone's temporary rebound bandage.

I'd quit all contact, and next message from him would be met with a kind but clear boundary. "If you are ever free and clear of all attachments to anyone else, let me know. If I'm still available then, maybe we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish you the best, but please don't contact me again."

This leaves your door cracked open even while it frees you to move forward and explore men who don't have a divided focus.

Head high, and adopt the definition of 'complicated' as a propeller blade that makes you run rather than lean in.

[Cherylyn]

He's only seeing you as his therapist.  Tell him it's time to part ways peacefully.  Request him to adhere to  NC (no contact) and wish him all the best.  If he's relentless and refuses to resopect your wishes,  ghost,  block and delete him.  Since you don't need him to fill a void in your life,  concentrate on your independence.  In the future, be with a man who is secure and self confident because you need positivity; not a man who is nothing but a constant drag like a ball and chain.