Is it ever okay to lie in a relationship to protect your partner?

[Yawrum]

Hi everyone,

In your opinions and experiences, is it ever okay to lie to your partner if it means protecting them from getting angry etc.?

My girlfriend and I have been together for a year now but early on in our relationship, I found out that she was still friends with her ex that she dated prior. She reassured me that they were only friends and nothing more, and even back when they dated, it was never sexual or intimate. He also didn't treat her the best and this led me to not really like her talking to him still. 

With that said, early on he did come and visit her from a different state and she allowed him to stay in her room for the night but on separate beds since she has two. When he came she did call me and tell me he was there since she felt it was wrong if she didn't tell me. I respected this about her, and the next time we got the opportunity to be in her friend's state, I asked if I could also meet him and talk to him. In front of me she said that it would be fine to do so, but behind my back, she was texting him and telling him to not come out and just text back saying that he's busy so that I could see. So she basically lied to me so that I couldn't meet up with him and her reasoning behind these lies was because she knows that I didn't like him coming over to visit her and also hearing the stories of how he treated her back then, that I might get into an argument with him if we had met. She never cheated physically or anything like that and I know this for a fact based on other details not included here. Their relationship is strictly platonic.

What hurts me really isn't that he visited her anymore, but more so that she thought that lying to protect the relationship and protect me from getting into an argument with her friend was the right thing to do and this really hurt me even till now. 

In your opinions and experiences, is it ever okay to lie to your partner if it means protecting them? In this situation would you guys just forgive and just move on and make sure it doesn't happen again? I really don't know what to do as it keeps popping up in my head.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Yawrum said:

  she thought that lying to protect the relationship and protect me from getting into an argument with her friend 

Sorry this is happening. How old is she? Does she live with her parents? How can someone be "an ex" if they never dated were intimate or sexual?

It's time to reconsider the relationship.  You're trying to control her and that never works. Are you rifling through her phone?

Obviously people lie to protect themselves and themselves only. She doesn't respect you and you don't respect her. It's a toxic situation.

Don't use the "it hurts me when..." excuse. The fact is your relationship is a sham and a mess because of controlling behaviors and deceitful behaviors.

 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Yawrum said:

In this situation would you guys just forgive and just move on and make sure it doesn't happen again?

Nope. I would see this as a dealbreaker. 

I am sorry, but I think you are being willfully naive to believe that nothing at all happened when he came for a sleepover. Her scrambling to contact him and lie to you is your cue. She is still hiding something, and it's not to protect you, but to protect herself. 

I'm sorry, man. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Nope. I would see this as a dealbreaker. 

I am sorry, but I think you are being willfully naive to believe that nothing at all happened when he came for a sleepover. Her scrambling to contact him and lie to you is your cue. She is still hiding something, and it's not to protect you, but to protect herself. 

I'm sorry, man. 

Yes this is to protect herself.  

Yes sometimes it is ok to protect your partner or a loved one with a lie if it's not something you did wrong but something you witnessed that, if your partner knew would needlessly upset him or her - needlessly so that telling the truth on balance is a bad idea

.  I know of examples like this involving romantic partners, as well as knowledge of what a person who passed said or did that would needlessly upset the loved one who is grieving. 

I lied to my son when he was 4 when he asked a question about what happened during 9-11 after seeing the new tower going up in the distance.    Told him the truth when he was 7 and able to handle the truth.  Like that. 

Almost always it's not about something the person did wrong but knowledge the person has/something the person saw - where the person's partner or loved one if they knew would be needlessly upset and therefore the truth is not worth it or not worth it at that time.  

I don't see it as any different between romantic partners -it's all about the motive and there is no set in stone of "never lie/always tell the truth" -sometimes it depends and if it depends because the person is trying to protect herself that's not a good motive. It's not to protect "the relationship" because if she wanted to protect the relationship she wouldn't be playing with fire in the first place.  

 

[smackie9]

Did she have a reason to not trust you to keep things cordial with this guy? 

[Kwothe28]

4 hours ago, Yawrum said:

With that said, early on he did come and visit her from a different state and she allowed him to stay in her room for the night but on separate beds since she has two.

Suuuuure. And I am a tooth fairy.

Dude came for one thing and got that one thing. And you were lied and played by her so she could "bed and breakfast" her ex. I wouldnt even go into an argument with him, it aint his fault. Would just dump her on the spot for that.

[catfeeder]

I would have dumped her long before this. I’d have told her that I don’t involve myself with anyone who is still involved with an ex. If she’s ever free and clear of all contact with all exes, she can let me know. If I’m still available then, maybe we can meet to catch up.

Sticking around while she mistreats you isn’t smart. Have you noticed?

[Cherylyn]

She's shady for continuing her friendship with her ex while having a boyfriend.  It would be respectful to you had she discontinued her friendship with her ex while having a boyfriend.  It's common sense.  He also didn't treat her well so it doesn't make sense to proceed with her friendship.  Nonetheless,  two is company, three's a crowd. 

Your girlfriend lacks discretion and empathy.  It doesn't matter that she told you about her ex staying in her room but slept in separate beds.  The fact that he was there in the first place with her is extremely alarming and foolhardy. 

Her lying to you is mixed with her version of convenience and prevention.  She prevented an awkward and potentially angry moment between you and her ex.   Everything about her lacks integrity and morals.

It should hurt you that she's seeing someone on the side, continues contact with him on a regular basis and giving you excuses regarding your not meeting him in person.  Everything about what she is doing to you should hurt you; not just her lying. 

No, I wouldn't just forgive and move on.  I could do the latter but not the former.  A deceitful person won't change for you because deceit and betrayal are habitual.  She will deceive you in the future.  Next time, she won't even bother telling you anything and will do something behind your back in order to "keep the peace" with you.  She is playing you for a fool.

A dishonest person is a real deal breaker in all relationships.  It's time for you to dissolve and exit this sham of a relationship.  You need to shop around.

I truly do NOT trust nor like sneaky and tricky people.  I avoid them like the plague.  I lose former respect for anyone who tested me sorely as should you. 

 

 

 

[Yawrum]

6 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Did she have a reason to not trust you to keep things cordial with this guy? 

Well, a little after that night happened, some people close to her that also know me started saying false stuff about her and this whole drama started and they also brought up her ex friend, which I heard all of which she felt that me listening to all this gossip that I'd start questioning her friend if we did meet and she didn't want any arguments to happen anymore.

[Yawrum]

7 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Yes this is to protect herself.  

Yes sometimes it is ok to protect your partner or a loved one with a lie if it's not something you did wrong but something you witnessed that, if your partner knew would needlessly upset him or her - needlessly so that telling the truth on balance is a bad idea

.  I know of examples like this involving romantic partners, as well as knowledge of what a person who passed said or did that would needlessly upset the loved one who is grieving. 

I lied to my son when he was 4 when he asked a question about what happened during 9-11 after seeing the new tower going up in the distance.    Told him the truth when he was 7 and able to handle the truth.  Like that. 

Almost always it's not about something the person did wrong but knowledge the person has/something the person saw - where the person's partner or loved one if they knew would be needlessly upset and therefore the truth is not worth it or not worth it at that time.  

I don't see it as any different between romantic partners -it's all about the motive and there is no set in stone of "never lie/always tell the truth" -sometimes it depends and if it depends because the person is trying to protect herself that's not a good motive. It's not to protect "the relationship" because if she wanted to protect the relationship she wouldn't be playing with fire in the first place.  

 

This was what she told me, that at the moment, I was very heated about her friend after what happened, so it wasn't the right time to meet him. Once I am more calm in the future and understanding of the situation, she would have been fine with me meeting him. The reason I know that nothing happened that night was because for one, she called me to let me know he was there instead of hiding it. And second, she wanted to prove it was nothing so she left her phone camera facetime on the whole night while we slept (I know not the best way but we are long distance also). To be honest though it's been hard after this even though deep down inside, I know nothing happened between them physically and she's also my first serious relationship. 

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, Yawrum said:

Well, a little after that night happened, some people close to her that also know me started saying false stuff about her and this whole drama started and they also brought up her ex friend, which I heard all of which she felt that me listening to all this gossip that I'd start questioning her friend if we did meet and she didn't want any arguments to happen anymore.

Is it really worth all this needless drama and stress to be with this person? 

[Batya33]

Just now, Yawrum said:

And second, she wanted to prove it was nothing so she left her phone camera facetime on the whole night while we slept (I know not the best way but we are long distance also). To be honest though it's been hard after this even though deep down inside, I know nothing happened between them physically and she's also my first serious relationship. 

OK -so here's some common sense advice -if you or your partner feel the need to record what is happening when they are not with you as you describe then by definition it is not a healthful relationship.  In fact it is unhealthy and potentially damaging to your mindset for future relationships.

[Yawrum]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Is it really worth all this needless drama and stress to be with this person? 

I thought about this countless time as well and thought does every relationship go through this much drama? I know all relationships have issues to some extent, but since she is my real first serious relationship, I have nothing to compare to.

[SherrySher]

11 hours ago, Yawrum said:

Their relationship is strictly platonic.

Who are you kidding? They used to have sex. They used to tell each other they love one another.

Those doesn't just magically disappear, especially since it's not been over that long and she's still having him sleep in the same room, and secretly texting him in order to lie to you.

Please pull the wool back off your eyes.

[SherrySher]

2 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

I truly do NOT trust nor like sneaky and tricky people.  I avoid them like the plague.  I lose former respect for anyone who tested me sorely as should you. 

Absolutely.

They both lied behind your back and you caught them ONCE, once that you know of.

You have no idea how many times they have lied to you or will continue to lie to you.

Once you find out the person you're dating lied to you, it should be a done deal.

[Yawrum]

Just now, SherrySher said:

Who are you kidding? They used to have sex. They used to tell each other they love one another.

Those doesn't just magically disappear, especially since it's not been over that long and she's still having him sleep in the same room, and secretly texting him in order to lie to you.

Please pull the wool back off your eyes.

That's the thing, I know nowadays everyone assumes all has sex once in a relationship, but she and her ex friend never had sex when they dated. She was still a virgin when she met me and that was what I really valued about her aside from all this drama since we are both religious also.

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Yawrum said:

I thought about this countless time as well and thought does every relationship go through this much drama? I know all relationships have issues to some extent, but since she is my real first serious relationship, I have nothing to compare to.

Do you have parents or friends? Close relationships with others? That's a good point of comparison for drama.  Always has been for me.  Have you ever had this extent of drama in any of those relationships and if so what did you do about it.

And in a word, no, absolutely not.  I've been with my husband this time around for 17 years and for about 6 hours -all at once for one day - I think we'd been dating less than a year maybe? - I felt insecure about him as far as him strangely not being in contact and I worried it had something to do with me.  I was wrong.  That's the extent of the "drama" that was a nothing burger.  

[SherrySher]

1 minute ago, Yawrum said:

That's the thing, I know nowadays everyone assumes all has sex once in a relationship, but she and her ex friend never had sex when they dated. She was still a virgin when she met me and that was what I really valued about her aside from all this drama since we are both religious also.

Has a doctor confirmed this? Because this girl already lied to you.

 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Yawrum said:

That's the thing, I know nowadays everyone assumes all has sex once in a relationship, but she and her ex friend never had sex when they dated. She was still a virgin when she met me and that was what I really valued about her aside from all this drama since we are both religious also.

In your religion what is valued more - virginity or telling the truth?

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Yawrum said:

That's the thing, I know nowadays everyone assumes all has sex once in a relationship, but she and her ex friend never had sex when they dated. She was still a virgin when she met me and that was what I really valued about her aside from all this drama since we are both religious also.

Also most people who date are sexual or kiss or make out etc so whether or not they had intercourse she dated him because there was sexual attraction.  Sleeping in the same room with an ex boyfriend who you had sexual attraction for is inconsistent with being in a committed relationship.

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Yawrum said:

She was still a virgin when she met me and that was what I really valued about her aside from all this drama since we are both religious also.

 How old is she? If she is "religious" why is she having guys sleep over and telling you packs of lies? Sounds more like a wolf in sheep's clothing than someone you can trust as having decency and integrity.

[Yawrum]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

 How old is she? If she is "religious" why is she having guys sleep over and telling you packs of lies? Sounds more like a wolf in sheep's clothing than someone you can trust as having decency and integrity.

We're both late 20s. This was a one time thing that her friend and her planned well before she met me. She has no family over here and so after they split, they still remained in contact since he was still helping her with things and she couldn't just cut it all off. She told me that in her head, she only thought of it as a friend coming over to visit since she doesn't view him as anything more, but once he came she knew she needed to tell me instead of hiding that. 

[Cherylyn]

Replace your current girlfriend.  She's definitely not a keeper. 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Yawrum said:

We're both late 20s. They still remained in contact since he was still helping her with things and she couldn't just cut it all off. She told me that in her head, she only thought of it as a friend coming over to visit

She's a grown woman, not an innocent young helpless ingenue. Sounds like she generally uses people and lies to facilitate this. Research "Machiavellianism".

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, Yawrum said:

We're both late 20s. This was a one time thing that her friend and her planned well before she met me. She has no family over here and so after they split, they still remained in contact since he was still helping her with things and she couldn't just cut it all off. She told me that in her head, she only thought of it as a friend coming over to visit since she doesn't view him as anything more, but once he came she knew she needed to tell me instead of hiding that. 

What was planned? To see him? Sure she could have kept that plan - in an appropriate way. My ex helped me with my Ipod (yes I had one this was a long time ago) after we broke up -with the music that was stored on there.  My future husband was fine with it.  Yes I went to his house and yes he helped with the music library -took about an hour - we had polite conversation and I left. I may have even hugged him hello or goodbye which I would have done in front of my boyfriend. Certainly if my boyfriend wanted to come too he could have but it was really that simple and that short a visit.  

She could have seen him without cutting it all off.  Included you, met in a public place or if he was helping with something at home no one else in the world could do then she could have had both of you over, worked on it together if possible and made the process faster.  

Please don't be naive and think it didn't occur to her to tell you in advance and check in on how to prioritize your feelings in the matter.  

Yes young teenagers might not have the wisdom or common sense to know what appropriate boundaries are.  I made mistakes that way and luckily escaped true long lasting harm.  Late 20s?? Unless she has a significant intellectual or mental disability she knows.   Please.